The Truth Is:

The struggle is real! This season of life is crazy and chaotic, but it's a beautiful chaos and I wouldn't change a thing!

Our days are long, the mom guilt is strong, the house is a mess, the projects are all adding up and the to-do lists are never ending. The main goal at the end of the day is that everyone goes to bed happy, no matter how long the day was, how exhausted we all are, we survived and we did it together! 

Stop comparing to the moms who look like they have it all together, because chances are they do have it all together, but that's today, not everyday. You can't see behind the scenes. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but like I mentioned above, as long as by the end of the day everyone can goto bed happy, then you have done it in my eyes. Look at your strengths and be proud, and looks at your weaknesses and reassess. There will always be room for improvement! Ask for help when you need it. I struggle with this one myself, but when I do have the help, it makes the worlds difference! 

I can remember wishing for these days, the long days, the fun days, the crazy days, heck even the bad days!! They are here and I am embracing them the very best I can! That's not to say that some days I don't get overwhelmed, because heck, I am no super mom!! My patience level is exhausted every.single.day on the constant, but I must say, even it is getting better, or I am just getting better at acknowledging when I need to step back or pick my battles. 

Toddlers are no joke! They are needy, emotional, loud, frustrating balls of love and energy. I'm pretty sure they are bipolar as well, because there is no way someone can actually go from being super happy to the angriest in less than a minute. But what I have learned is that being a toddler is hard work! They are literally figuring out how this world works! They are learning what is acceptable and what is not, what is considered good behaviour and bad and they are testing what they learn constantly! Throw in the variables of teething, tired, and sickness and they are like ticking time bombs!! Consistency is key! 

 

My days are constantly divided with who needs what first! Priorities become a constant equation. Both kids end up crying and I have to decide who needs me first! 

Babies don't keep! Especially second born babies! I used to think it with Noah, but with Emilya, the days are just flying by!! Luckily she gives one heck of a good snuggle hug, but otherwise she already planning her next move - literally!! Noah didn't move or crawl until like 8 months, but Emilya is already moving around the room with rolling or army crawling.

I will say that while dealing with Emilya's hearing issues and sitting in various waiting rooms with other children with issues, it just opened my eyes big time when I think about how lucky we really are. Even after getting blood work done on Emilya, I went home feeling soo defeated, babies shouldn't have to have blood work and in a perfect world, they shouldn't be able to get sick either. It was soo heartbreaking watching her get blood drawn and then walking back into a waiting room full of children with all sorts of visible and non-visible problems waiting for various procedures and blood work. 

Being a parent is hard!! I think there is even more pressure on today's society of parents as well, because with all this wrong in the world, you want tknow raise them right. You want to teach them about love, yet prepare them for how harsh the world has come! You want them to be kids, but yet cautious in such a crazy world. Soo much violence and hate and it is our job to see them through it, to choose to make them aware or pray they can't see the world for how it really is! When I was a kid the biggest problem was not taking candy from strangers, today our children deal with extreme bullying, bombs, shootings, and BAD people. That isn't to say these things didn't happen when I was younger, but they didn't happen like they do now. 

 

So that is the truth - parenting is no joke. In every single aspect, it will be the most rewarding job, but the most difficult job. The pressure is on to raise a child right, and albeit, maybe it's a pressure we put on ourselves, but with good reason! At the same time, give yourselves a pat on the pack for surviving each and every day, even the days where you coasted by on survival mode! 

 

NINE

Wow, soo crazy to think it has been 9 years today that M and I said "I Do".

Nine whole years. It seems like it was just a few years ago that we were landscaping the farm for our outdoor wedding and picking colors, our wedding party, etc. And heck we were engaged for 2 years before we got married! 

What I will say is that in these last 9 years, we have had some of the best days of our lives and some of the worst. But together, hand in hand we have accomplished soo much and we couldn't be at a happier state in our lives. Life these days literally feels like our dreams coming true. Having not just one
child now, but two is such a blessing. I know, I say it a lot, but sometimes I wonder when I will wake up from this dream, especially having gone through soo much to get to this point in our lives.

I couldn't be a prouder wife than I am these days. To have such a supportive and helpful husband seems to be a rare thing these days. Mike puts in 150% into our family and it shows. I secretly love watching him with the kids and seeing them enjoy him just as much as I do!

In 9 years, I have watched my husband become such a amazing and stronger man and maybe I don't tell him enough how much I appreciate all that he does for us. Life is beautifully chaotic around these parts these days and in a blink of an eye the day is done and I find myself wondering "did I tell him I love him", "did I hug him today", "does he know how much I love and respect him" or "how lucky I feel to have him as my husband"?

I think that is one of the keys to our successful marriage is respecting each other, knowing each other's limits and stepping up when each other needs that break. We work well as a team and have the same goals. I'm not saying he doesn't drive me crazy some days, because we of course drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day it is a good kind of crazy.

It's crazy to look back and see how far we have come. To see how we have faced our hardships and came out on top. 

These are the best days of our lives and they just keep on getting better! 

Happy Anniversary to my love, my partner in crime, my best friend. I know that I will never be able to put into words just how my heart feels, because everyday it is growing fonder and deeper. I am so lucky to have you, our children - yes, OUR children are lucky to have you and I just hope you know how loved and appreciated you really are to me and I am going to work harder at making sure you know that. Here is to several more years together!! 

I love you like crazy - promise promise.

Ashley

Adjusting to Parenting 2 Children

Okay, so I admit, I honestly thought parenting one child was pretty easy... And maybe once I figure out this mom of two business I will say the same thing, but lately I honestly feel like everyone around me has thier shit together and I am over here with the following going down:

- my house is hit constantly with hurricane Noah. I have been working hard at getting him to pick up his toys before meals, but sometimes a few toys end up staying out all night. You bet it is those few toys that I end up tripping over when I get up to pump during the wee hours in the morning. I do blame the renovation and having more toys on the main floor than usual. I also pick my battles. 

- my kitchen... Oh my word. I am grateful for a husband who deals with the kitchen for the most part, because sometimes during my day, getting the dishes off the table from lunch, or cleaning up my mess from preparing just doesn't happen because I don't have enough hands balancing a newborn in one and preventing Noah from diving off his chair with the other. 

- dinner. We should just leave it at that. Hardest part of my day - hands down. Heck even when I have it prepared and just have to put it in the oven, I have miserablely failed because I forget to do it on time. Not only is it Noah's hard time, but now it is also Emilya's time to eat. 

- getting out of the house with two whether on my own or with M, usually results in someone crying. Emilya hates her car seat and Noah is just plain old slow or distracted. I end up frustrated, usually forget the keys or something else I will end up needing. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth all the hassle and arriving anywhere on time is a joke. Clearly I need to get more practice. 

- recovering from a c-section and following the restrictions - another joke. No lifting is the one I fail at most. I could likely get away with following the rule if I didn't have a toddler. But in order to make things happen at a reasonable pace and without exhausting my patience, lifting is required. I will say, it has left me feeling very insecure with leaving the house on my own with two though. I know I don't have the stamina to chase after a toddler in public with a newborn in tow. I know I just need to start doing it and it will come, along with my patience. But we have been practicing with walks and in the backyard and we just aren't there yet. Listening ears are the main issue lately. 

- potty training. Noah luckily has not regressed. We have had accidents, but not consistently. He is actually getting better at telling us in time and is even becoming more indenpendant in this department with helping pull down his pants and what not. But I have also started putting a towel down under his potty for the mess. Boys are messy and towels are easy to wash instead of constantly wiping up and disinfecting each time. Doing it once at the end of the day is fine. I'm hoping to get him going on the regular toilet soon, but the stool is an extra climbing hazard in our house... Unless you like seeing your toddler standing on the toilet seat balancing (not with the seat down either). 

- bedtime. I feel like we deserve an award when it actually happens on time, especially with M working so late with the spring rush. We work hard on avoiding the over tired melt downs, but they usually come. We are also trying to get Emilya on some sort of schedule and it's working. She's usually asleep by 9 pm, which should give M and I an hour to get stuff done around the house and then an hours time to ourselves if we are lucky, however more often than not, I'm heading to bed by 10 anyways. Even on the days both kids nap at the same time and I am able to nap too, I'm just tired. I often remind myself I am still recovering from my csection and I need to listen to my body over tackling the ever growing to do list, mostly filled with jobs that require lifting or vacuuming.

- renovation. This was just extra added chaos. M and I actually got a chance to talk last night while I snuggled a sleeping newborn before putting her down. We both admit we are struggling to get back on track, because we just have no time to get everything done. There is not enough time in the day. We want to get the basement put back together, but when? M is working his spring rush hours, by now include Saturday's, so that leaves Sunday to get the house cleaned and caught up and to tackle the to-do list all the while trying to fit in some fun activities with Noah and family time. I know it will get done in some sort of time and when it does our life will become a bit easier with just maintaining the house. Maybe that will be the goal this weekend. 

You bet I felt like an even bigger hot mess express when I had to take Noah to the hospital on my first week alone with two kids. It was not a boost to my mom confidence one bit. I did manage to keep it together and I know accidents happen, especially with a crazy climbing rough and gruff little boy.

And to think this mama hasn't even had a drink after some of the most stressful days, but in all honesty I'm just to tired! I keep saying it will get better when we get the house put back together post reno, but finding the time to even make that happen proves to be a challenge with M's crazy spring work schedule. 

So yes, it appears that I do not have my shit together. In order to shower, I am showering with my toddler before his bedtime to ensure I get one. 

But at the end of the day, I have two beautiful children and I couldn't be happier. I remember the days I used to pray for these "problems" - okay not the renovation part, but the parenting parts. I know this time with them is soo precious. This post is not to complain about all the above, but it is to remember this struggle and share with other new moms that not everyone has their shit together. We will all have good days and bad, easy or hard. 

Being a mom is one of my very best accomplishments I will ever do and I honestly couldn't be prouder. Our life in my eyes is perfect, even when it isn't. Even after the hardest days. It's beautiful chaos in all reality and the best kind to have. I am blessed beyond words and I couldn't be happier. 

{ Weekend Rewind }

My intentions to blog on Friday are lagging right now with the holidays, and now because of said holidays, I'm falling behind in the posts I need to get up this week!! So hopefully I will manage a post every day this week and I might even have to combine two posts into one!!

Moving on to our weekend. Friday morning Noah went to the farm so that I could get an hour and but in to clean the house. I managed to get all the laundry put away and clean up the bedroom! I really slacked on picture taking this weekend!! Oops!!

Friday night Noah was super snugly and only wanted his mama, which I was happy to oblige and I put him to bed. Crazy to think when these special moments happen, I soak them in and find myself almost teary because all that goes through my mind is how fast he is growing up and he won't want to do this forever. He ended up staying up later due to a longer nap in the day, but he just wouldn't settle easily. Luckily we have it to the point where we don't have to keep going up, we can call up the stairs and tell him to back in bed and go to sleep and he gets back in bed and tries to sleep! He eventually gave up!

Saturday morning we all slept I until just after 8, I didn't sleep well and ended up with a headache again at 3 AM, so M let me sleep in until 9! We woke up to a skiff of snow on the ground and it continued to come down. Noah was just mesmerized with it, it was such a distraction for him.

We decided we would brave the dollar store and Walmart and get everything we need for the week and Christmas dinners, etc. We are officially done shopping. We got home around noon, had lunch, played for a little bit and then put Noah down for his nap, while M and I cleaned most of the main floor. When Noah woke up, we did a few crafts including this one:

M and Noah cleaned up the basement while I showered and got ready for the business Christmas party over at the pub here in the village!

Noah was a champ during dinner, we were so impressed with him. Of course he had to sit with Grandpa but overall he behaved great for being at a restaurant for so long! We went straight into bedtime routine (tubby time, milk, book and bed) and then M and I worked on wrapping a batch of presents!

Sunday morning we were all up just after 8 and got straight to work with finishing up cleaning the house (floors, kitchen), made taco dip, baked somemore cookies, and when Noah went down for his nap M went to get beer and extra chairs.

Family started showing up after 2 and of course Noah only napped for 45 minutes. The kids opened presents, which Noah got a new digger, a new truck and 2 books! Then we played a gift game with adults, which is always fun! M ended up with a cookie tin and I got a bag full of 3M products including a whole whack of washi tape!!

We had 16 people all seated around our dining room table, it was very tight, but we managed. We made the ham and had everyone else bring a part of the rest of the meal, so we ended up with scalloped potatoes, mixed veggies, buns and for dessert we had apple crisp and a pumpkin cake, as well as a whole assortment of homemade cookies!!

The only picture I managed to take was of Noah and Hannah!! 

I promise to take more pictures of Christmas haha! 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!! I can hardly believe Christmas is at the end of THIS week!! Where did this year go??? 

Oh and that bit of snow you saw above has melted and we are now getting dumped on with rain today!! 

30

On Friday I hit the official BIG 3-0!!

I feel like 29 was harder than 30, maybe because I was a pregnant emotional mess or maybe because I see 29 as one of the best years of my life!! Don't get me wrong, 30 is pretty damn special too - I'm officially a mom and that to me is the one thing I felt I was made on this earth to do, despite struggling with infertility for soo long. The one thing I had dreamt about as a little girl and honestly maybe I am still dreaming, because there isn't one little bit of it that I don't love! I get to play "house" everyday with the man of my dreams, the sweetest baby boy, my puppies and kitties - yet this is my real life, not imaginative play!

I did a little retail therapy at lululemon with some birthday cash, sipped on a Somersby, hung out with Noah, who actually napped a lot, J popped over with G for a visit, then we headed to ball and wings after. It was nice and low key! I actually celebrated my 30th with M and Noah when he surprised with me with trip out west as my birthday present! It was amazing! 

Should we take a look at my 30 before 30 list?? 

**30 BEFORE 30**

1. I would like to have a baby.  After battling 4 years of infertility, we had our miracle son Noah in February - 3 weeks early!! Soo blessed!
2. I would like to have our loan paid off!! (In which case, we would be debt-free (aside from the mortgage) This will not be happening.Which is fine. 
3. I would like a pool! - We got an above ground that actually used to be my parents!!
4. I would like to travel to California. This won't be happening either, we decided we would want to go to California with a child instead!
5. I would like to drive out west! No further than Alberta.
6. I would like to have new floors in my bedroom, great room and kitchen.
7. I would like a new camera.
8. I would like to do more photography on the side.
9. I would like to rescue and rehome an animal or two. Unfortunately this didn't happen, however the opportunity did not come up, which is good all around.
10. I would like to be more kitchen inclined. I laugh at this now... Happy to say this is an accomplishment I am comfortable crossing off just in the nick of time!
11. I would like to make a quilt. I made Noah his rag quilt!
12. I would like my husband to have confidence in my cooking. I know I can't REALLY control this, but maybe the more I cook, the more confidence he will gain? Success!!
13. I would like to buy new furniture for the basement. We bought a new sectional!
14. I would like to learn how to use Photoshop!!
15. I would like to have a baby... I know I have this twice, but maybe I will be lucky enough to have 2 by the time I am 30. I want my kids close together! This one won't be happening quite yet! Cut it a little close too the deadline haha. But hopefully Baby #2 isn't another 4 years in the making!
16. I would like to reno my bathroom.... new tub, new floors, maybe main floor laundry, double sinks, etc.  We did this part just before Noah came and ended up finishing it after he was here, since he was 3 weeks early!! We also got main floor laundry a few years ago!
17. I would like to take up reading... I am not a big fan of reading... I actually get quite bored of it, but I feel I would get a lot from it. I maybe read 1 book a year...MAYBE.. that might be stretching it... I would like to read at least 3 I will say. I don't want to overestimate myself! (3/3) Can't say I enjoy it any more than I used to!
18. Take and go on 2 vacations a year!! One summer and one winter. This year I did not get a summer vacation and last year we renovated during it, so I have technically missed out on 2 summer vacations and I miss them!! We cannot stay home for them!! We just about completed this one, but we renovated one winter, I was newly pregnant last summer and we put the pool in instead, plus my Mom was sick. This past winter we were unable to travel due to my pregnancy. We did break the rules with a weekend getaway to the States!
19. I would like to throw a BIG party, like an open house style... This one is a tough one... I did throw M a party for his birthday last year, but the turnout wasn't quite what I had anticipated because of summer holidays! I did have my Dad's 60th too - which was advertised in the newspaper! So this one is being considered done because I tried!
20. I would like to take a photography class. I did an online course!! 
21. I would like to have some type of routine, you know meal plans, financial plans, chore plans, week night plans, etc. It might make life easier, but right now our life is too hectic and busy!  This one is pretty much completed, as long as I stick with it! I have slipped a few times, but we are doing soo much better!
22. I would like to get a newer vehicle to replace our Explorer, there is not much wrong with it, it is just older. I would be open to getting another one, or something similar, hopefully another FORD! We ended up replacing the caliber instead and we didn't replace the caliber with a Ford, we replaced it with Pontiac Torrent! But M also got a new truck replacing the explorer!!
23. I would like for Lily to get her weight down to at least 90 pounds... this pretty much seems impossible to me right now, as we are struggling with her hypothyroidism and next year it may not be a problem... but it is a problem right now...We got her down a few pounds, put her on meds, which ended up making her sick... this is no longer a practical goal! I am happy with her just the way she is! However both her and Gracie have lost weight and are doing great!! She isn't 90 pounds but she is on the right track. I highly doubt we will ever see 90 pounds!
24. I would like to do something out of the ordinary. I don't know what this means yet, but maybe I will by the time 30 rolls around! - I have finally figured out what this is!! Something out of the ordinary would be beating infertility. Its not a path I pictured walking down or getting stuck in, but we beat the incredibly low odds of having a baby, and for that reason alone, its out of the ordinary!
25. I would like to organize a girls group, to do girls night out get togethers! This used to be Monday nights, but then that ended up falling through for a little bit, but now we are back to weekly get togethers and I will say I do love my girl time!
26. I would like to learn how to do make-up! I am horrible at it and never learned how to apply it. I don't actually wear make-up everyday, but when I go out, I would like to feel confident in my make-up. This one did not happen unless Pinterest and Youtube videos count? 
27. I would like to have completed 10 sewing projects, so far I have only completed 2. 10 and many more were done!! Love sewing!!
28. I would like to get back into scrapbooking. This one is being crossed off, digital scrapbooks count... I have made several albums over the last 5 years!
29. I would like to organize our basement.This is half done!! It is a winter project that is for sure! 
30. Last but not least, I would like to have a BIG 30th BIRTHDAY! Whether it be a big party or a trip somewhere, I want to go all out!! M surprised me with a trip out west for 2 weeks with Noah for my birthday!! It was perfect!!!

Now we will need to make a new 5 year goal list!! 

My Dearest Grandma

Last Monday night, we received the news that my Grandma had passed. Actually my sister and I were talking about her as she passed. I meant to share this last week instead of leaving everyone hanging, but my wardrobe needed massive help and quickly. Luckily my sister came through for me with a dress from her closet that I might have to keep in mine for her!  I ended up adding to this letter for the family and reading it as her eulogy, but this is my original letter.

Dear Grandma,

I would start off this letter telling you how missed you will be, but that is the obvious, so I will share a few things that we will miss about you! 

I will never forget your strength. You had been sick for too long and just when they mention that you won't pull through, you would miracously pull through. Like hell someone was going to decide your fate, you were a fighter!

You were soo strong when Grandpa passed, you weren't afraid of your grief like most of us were. You taught me that it is okay to be mad when someone passes away, it isn't a bad thing, but a stage of grief. You showed us that there is a time to cry, a time to mourn and many times to laugh. You have shown us what it is to love endlessly in past or present. You have taught me that God doesn't do things to punish us. He didn't call upon you because we didn't need you or because you weren't loved, but rather because you were soo loved and you have lived a great life. You were part of His plan.  He only takes the best. 

You kept this family going strong and I pray that we are able to continue this even though you are no longer with us in person, but always in our hearts. I would like to think many card games will continue to play at family functions. This will be a way for you to remain alive with us, more alive than ever if you know how this family plays cards. 

Growing up you helped us find faith by taking us to church when we were in London. I could never understand why you would goto church so often, but then I learned that you had a family with God too and your heart was open to all of those in God's family, whether it was going to church just to pray for someone else. You were always soo generous and putting others first.

I will miss your whitty sense of humor and your crush on Mike. I'm glad you approved of the man I chose to marry and loved how you would often tell both Mike and I how lucky we were to have each other. It made us laugh when you would tell Mike that he needed to take you out on a date instead! I remember the day we did take you out and you thought we were joking, but you would never turn down a good meal and dessert was always a must! 

I will miss your hugs. They were endless and I always felt your love through them as you gave us that extra squish at the end. I hope to never forget this part. I hope to be as proud of a parent as you were to all your children and grandchildren. Coming to various school functions to show your support, telling me how proud of me you were after watching me sing in the church choir as a child or perform in a school play in high school. Your love and support will never go unknown to not only me, but all your children and grandchildren. 

I am sad that my son will not grow up knowing you like I did. But we will do our best in making sure he knows who you are. I am happy that he was at least able to see you before you passed away, although you were not well. I saw you lock eyes on him and can just imagine what you would have said to both me and Noah. I will be sure to let him know that he met one of his great-grandparents. 

Grandma, most importantly, I hope you will always know how loved you are. I put this in present tense because even though you are up in heaven, you are still loved down here. You hold a place in each and every one of the hearts you touched. We will all carry you in our hearts. Heaven gained a new angel when they called upon you. I will pick another star in the sky and know that it is you shining down on us. 

I hope you had the best reunion with Grandpa, because we all know how much you have missed him. I am happy you are together again because a love like that should never be separated. Now the two of you can hold hands once again and watch down on all of your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

Thank you Grandma for being a great role model. I want to love like you loved, live as long as you lived and embrace life just as you did. I want to be patient, just as you were and I would love to have some of your strength. I know the last few years have been rough for you, you had your good days and your bad days. It is your good days that only stand out to me in my mind. Thank you for being you. 

To think that someone like you felt proud of us and loved us unconditionally should make us all feel more than just a little good. We can never forget that there is a part of you in each of us, something that you gave to us and asked nothing for in return because that is just who you were. How lucky we are to have had someone who made saying goodbye soo hard.

Mike and I will miss you. 

Love 

Ashley 

Little Moments Like These

I can't help but to now want to document all these little tiny things that Noah has been up to, so I am going to start a monthly (I think) post of all the little moments I want to hold on to forever!

Here we go: 

- your sneezes, when your sweet little face scrunches right up just before sneezing and the adorable noises you make sneezing. You always look soo proud after you sneeze, like "did I just do that all by myself".

- snoring. I have never enjoyed anyone snoring, but you, your snoring is special. It let's me know you are still breathing, the noises that come out are priceless, like none other. I could listen to you snoring all day long!! 

- your smiles. You smile ALOT! I know you have no control over your smiles at this rate in the game, but it seriously just melts my heart!!

- when you reach your hand out and hold my fingers or hug my hand. It pulls still my heart strings! Can you promise to never let go? 

- your wet cat foot leg shake - makes me laugh every time!! What have the cats taught you? You don't even have to be wet to do it. 

- your need to have your hands on your face. You always look soo comfy! 

- the way you calm down when I take you in my arms! I hope I'm always able to do this for you, my arms will be forever open no matter how big or small you are! 

- when you snuggle in and sleep in my arms! I know this won't last forever, so whatever else I needed to get done can wait. 

A Year Ago This Past Weekend

A year ago this past weekend, was a weekend I will never forget for many reasons, and most of them being so very unpleasant.

We found out our IVF cycle failed. It was horrible. One of those moments in life where it makes you wonder WHY? Why is it always no's instead of yes's. When will things begin to look up? And better yet, where do we go from here? It was the bottom of rock bottom. I was done. Done with treatments, done with medications, daily appointments and monitoring, done with needles, done with pretending to be happy, done with pretending this wasn't our story, and done with the constant negativity surrounding our fertility story. Just plain and simple done. 

Both of our IVF cycles failed around Christmas, this one before and the one previous we found out New Years Eve. Why the hell was I cycling around the happiest time of the year? And to add to the misery, our first IVF cycle that was cancelled half way was at thanksgiving. For anyone out there cycling around these times of the year, proceed with caution, because in the worst case scenario the downfall is even harder because the last thing you want is to be happy around family and friends celebrating.

I promised myself I would not do that to myself and M again. But also in my mind I couldn't bear the thought of even trying again, maybe we were meant to be childless, maybe this is where our struggle ends, where we move on with our lives as just Mike and Ashley, the crazy couple with all the pets and too much love for other peoples children. Maybe we should adopt, or foster? 

M was ready to go and find out the next step, and I was reluctant to have any part of it, but went along to the appointment, where we were told that our options were dwindling, this cycle should have worked, maybe we need to do further testing on the quality of our eggs/sperm, but one thing that wasn't offered was a cycle right away, it was let me talk to my colleagues about your AMH, let's retest it. In my head it wasn't a positive outlook ahead. It was our RE exhausting his knowledge and it was money in our bank accounts that were beginning to dwindle. I promised myself I wasn't going to cry during this appointment, I was going to be as cold as this infertility has made me. My hope was shattered, my eyes were dry from being cried out too much, it was all I could do to get out of bed and fake a smile on my face. The only think I managed to mumble out was maybe we could just try a script for clomid when we are ready. My RE said it wasn't a fan of clomid and told us it wouldn't solve our problems, but wrote the script for just one month, I think just so that I could say I had tried it. 

Back to the weekend from hell, we had received the bad news, we had a Christmas Party to attend. I couldn't bear the thought of drinking away my problems and went sans alcohol, just as I would have had I received the positive outcome. But M, he ended up feeling absolutely no pain. I drove everyone home, and crawled into bed where I was finally able to let free on my tears, all the while my husband was puking all over my dining room. The smell was horrid and to make matters worse, I went to let the dogs inside and ended up stepping in it. And that my friends was the end of the end. I yelled and screamed and cried and all of my anger overcame me at that instant. I said horrible things I didn't mean and beat myself up for my failing body. I was the most angry I had ever been and not over the puke, not even at my husband, but at my failing body. It was horrible. 

But this year, this year is soo entirely different. Maybe I needed to experience the above to bring me to today. To make myself know just how lucky and blessed I am. They say once you hit rock bottom, you can only go up. I think that was my rock bottom. My marriage became stronger after I was finally able to get out what I needed to. I had bottled up every comment made to me about when we will have kids, every failed treatment, every fake smile, every baby shower, every holiday - faking it until I made it. 

This year having Baby V in my tummy snuggling and growing away, will not only be something I have dreamt of, but it will be a time I can just be me. Happy, go lucky, ME! I don't have to fake smiles, or drinking, or anything. This pregnancy has allowed me to be me for the first time in 4 long excruciating hard years! I've changed, my eyes are open wider now to a whole new world that many people don't even know. I see things differently and have a whole new perspective on life, our child's life, my marriage, just generally everything.

Everyone has a story and there are often unfortunate parts that take place and as shitty as I can say infertility is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it has broke me down in ways I can never forget, but because of it all, I am soo much stronger, my marriage is stronger. It is a part of our story and I will choose to embrace it now.

Not that our plans happened the way we expected them too, but we managed to pop by the end of the party for a drink and then headed home. But I suppose it wasn't the party that I needed to attend, just the weekend over all. And despite fracturing my ankle, I was still in a way better place than previous years, pain and all. Seeing sweet baby V was an added bonus to it all. Yet another small bump in the road, but a road I am well on my way into achieving.

Thanksgiving Reminders

As another thanksgiving rolls around, I can't help to remember what a hard place I was in just 3 short years ago. Our very first IVF cycle was cancelled and I literally felt like my world had just shut down. God had said no, yet again. Despite this being the beginning of our journey really, as far as treatments went, it broke us down and made us realize that this journey was not going be quite as easy as we had set ourselves up to believe. We had figured that our first IVF would bring us the baby we always dreamed of. You have to put that in your in head, in order to just get through the cycle, or even prep yourself for the cycle, without that hope why else would you do it? You have to believe it's going to work. But when it doesn't, the let down sucks, your world is rocked in ways you never imagined.

For me, I didn't want to celebrate thanksgiving, I was mad, I was ungrateful, as bad as that seems to admit. It was too difficult to look at the things in my life that I am forever grateful for, like our families and friends, our pets, our house, our dreams that have come true, our jobs, our accomplishments, I could continue to list the things that matter in our lives. I made up an excuse as to why we weren't going to thanksgiving with our extended family, because we hadn't shared our struggles, and now was not the time to. I couldn't imagine having to talk about it, yet here I am admitting my faults, because I was wrong. My Mom and sister had tried convincing me to go, but I couldn't bear the thought at that point of pretending to be happy, little did I learn that soon this would be my only coping mechanism to get me through these hard times.

The following years around thanksgiving, and Christmas, and any other time another bump or no came up in our infertility journey it brings me back to remembering how easy it is to forget those important things in your life, even just the small things. The kisses goodnight with M, the quality time with my nieces or nephews, the puppy snuggles, family dinners and games, the walks with friends, those little moments in life that don't seem like much at the time, but looking back it was those exact moments that got me through.

Obviously this year is different for us, I'm teary eyed just writing about how grateful and thankful we are for where we are this weekend! This baby inside of me growing and kicking up a dance party is the answer to soo many prayers at this time of the year. The one thing I have prayed I could be thankful for! Thanksgiving for me this year is good, I'm just soaking in all those small things and I'm happier than ever. But with that being said, I will never forget the silent walls that scream your struggles non-stop at you when you are alone. I will never forget about those still struggling. I will never forget about my own struggles or how far I have come and I will never take this season for granted again.

Now is the time to put the struggles to the side, even just for a day and to truly be happy with what you DO have in your life. Your struggles, no matter what they are will still be part of yesterday and maybe tomorrow, but for one day just soak in the season of thanksgiving. 

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends and family! May this weekend be filled with family, friends, positivity, reflections, faith and hope. 

Our Journey to Baby V - Part 3

We had to wait 3 months for the coil to set in my tube to close it. We decided that we would try conceiving semi-naturally with aid of Femara. I do ovulate on my own, however, being down one tube, I could use the extra help to encourage ovulation on my left side or both sides. We tried with no luck for 3 months starting July 2012.

Come September 2012 we were back at the doctors office discussing yet another round of IVF. Like I mentioned previously I am considered a poor responder so they tested my AMH level and sure enough it was beginning to drop. AMH gives a rough idea on the amount of eggs a woman has left in her body based on the hormone level that comes back. My number had a significant drop since my last IVF. This only made me feel like I was running out of time. My eggs were literally expiring. 

October 11th, 2012 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. My number was literally a decimal point over. I started meds right away and luckily they start working right away because I started my IVF cycle on October 30th, 2012 with the Lupron long protocol again starting up with 2 injections of Lupron a day. On Novemeber 3rd I started stim injections of Bravelle and Menopur. Everything was going smoothly, lots of action going on in my ovaries, more so that before. 

On November 16, 2012 we had our egg retrieval and we got 10 amazing eggs!! A number I was soo very proud of!! My ovaries had got a lot bigger this time and my Estrogen level was indicating that I was at a higher risk for hyper-stimulation of my ovaries, which luckily I did not get! But recovery was super slow and painful to say the least. 5 of my eggs were fertilized, the other 5 just didn't take and 3 of those 5 were ready for transfer. On November 19 we had 2 sweet grade A embryos transferred. I was carrying twins!! A whole new cloud nine ready for an instant family! On November 29th I started to spot and sure enough the cycle had failed yet again. 

Now we were mourning the loss of what could have been yet again, and mentally I was over seeking further treatment. How much more can we possibly take? Our hearts shattered once again, and this time it took a lot longer to put away the pieces. We went back to our RE for follow up post ivf and he just couldn't figure out why it wasn't working, recommended genetic testing - which we were opposed to. So finally I ended the appointment with asked for a script for clomid. He luckily agreed, but really didn't see it working. February 2013 we decided to take a more natural path, which was highly recommended by others, so we booked an appointment with a naturopath. I had never believed in naturopaths and no offence to others but I had kind of assumed it to be hocus locus medicine. We took a vacation to Jamaica to get away from everything for a bit, although I guess you can't really get away from your own body! 

February 25, we drove just over an hour to this naturopath, had my blood tested and he wasn't surprised that we couldn't get pregnant. My B12 and Folate wasn't being absorbed into my blood cells. My blood cells trough the microscope were all blown apart. He also found some yeast which prompted the yeast cleanse for 30 days. I started B12 and folate supplements, along with supplements for the yeast cleanse. You all know how I felt with the yeast cleanse, if not you can check back on it. March 25, we went back had my blood retested and my blood cells were perfect aside from some malnutrition, but what can you eat on a yeast cleanse? He recommended staying yeast free until we became pregnant but, we knew that wasn't going to happen. However I was 15 pounds down and watched what and how I ate. 

I managed to drop a total of 36 pounds, had a script for Clomid that we tried May 2013 and sure enough on June 1st I had a positive home pregnancy test! M and I were on cloud 9! I retested again on the 2nd and it was negative? Straight to my RE's we went and found it to be true, we were no longer pregnant. Our doctor doesn't believe in false positives, and figured something was working! He doubled my clomid dosage and had me start it that day instead of waiting for my period. He called it a  random start cycle. My doctor hates clomid and for him to do this, meant he noticed a change with my cycle, he had a sudden hope we hadn't seen. We monitored this cycle to see how I was responding and we had 2 amazing eggs developing nicely. On June 16 my blood work indicated ovulation. I received a call from my RE's office and it turns out my AMH was plummeting and I needed to come in and discuss my options. I was in no rush to have this conversation with my doctor or to hear any more bad news, so I put it off. On June 28 I took a pregnancy test in the middle of the day with just a cheap test and it was positive. Of course because of last month I didn't believe it! 

I will wrap up our journey to Baby V here and the rest of our journey will develop in the first trimester recap, and then weekly bump dates. 

Thank you all for your support it means soo much!! If my story can help anyone in any way, even if its just encouragement to never give up on a dream you have worked soo hard at, that you want soo bad!! 

A Reflection on 28

Today I turn 29!

Isn't this the year I need to make the most of because I'm going to be 29 forever from now on? 

And in all honesty, although I cannot predict the rest of 29, but so far it is shaping up to be one of the best of my years. The year I hope to see many of my past birthday wishes all come true!! I'm due to have my first baby while I'm 29 and this alone means the world to me, as you all know! That was no easy task. I will spend most of my 29th year pregnant! Something I have always wanted. I will celebrate 7 years with M. I will see the man I married and love turn into a father. Our family will grow, our hearts will grow, along with our love for one another and a sweet blessing we created together! (I am more than aware that things can change but I'm thinking positively)

As much as I dread getting another year older, this year it's different! I have soo much to look forward to! I am truly blessed. 

Although I found myself somewhat emotional last night - could be my pregnancy hormones, but finishing my 28th year brings tears to me eyes. Putting this year behind me is harder than I thought! Suddenly this all feels real to me. I'm closing on a huge chapter of my life, one that was dragging on and on without sight of the end. 

28, as much as it was off to a rough start, it made up for it in the end and I will also never forget 28. It will keep me honest in knowing what a struggle is, learning more and more about my own strength, feelings, body and how my past has changed me. My eyes are open now to soo many things I had never focused on. 

It was the year I found myself pregnant! The year that put a stop to years of suffering with infertility. 

As hard as 26, 27 and 28 were they have helped create a new meaning to my life. They have made me stronger, taught me many life lessons I could never have imagined learning. I don't regret these years at all, despite the hardships, but I look at coming out of it all, finding the light at the end of the tunnel. Conquering the odds and never giving up. 

Goodbye 28. Your chapter has ended in the best possible way. 

I won't be sipping champagne this year, but I hope you all do for me!! 

Here is to 29! 

Currently...

I am reading: The Memory Keeper's Daughter.... I am only on page 52... hopefully I will get back to it now!

Listening to:

Missy Higgins - Where I Stood

 

and

Even If It Breaks Your Heart by Eli Young Band:

 

 

 

Thinking About: Editing the pictures I took on the weekend. Or suntanning!

 

Loving: That the long weekend is here!! The weather. My family and friends

 

Drinking: Somersby Ciders, M&M Peach Juice and loving water lately!

 

Watching: Chicago Fire, bummed with the series finale of 90210, Grey's Anatomy, I started watching the original 90210 on netflix, and The Voice.

 

Missing: The kids!! It was soo much fun to have them around!!

 

 

 

And the dogs miss Hannah too!!!

(Gracie managed to get on my duvet.... little bum!)

 

 

Need to: Do some sewing and figure out what to bake for heading to the lake on Sunday!! I also need to figure out outfits I can wear that will hide this bruising.... the weather is warm - not long sleeve and pant weather now! No complaints though!

 

Cooking: It's BBQ season!! So I am really just making a lot of salads, pasta salads, different ways to make potatoes and baking!

 

Yesterday the dogs loved those peanut butter banana cookies!! I'm not sure if they like them cooked more or just the dough!!

 

Very Grateful: For the little things in life. The smiles, the hand holding, the late night chats with my husband. The snuggles with my pets. Since that man went missing, it's makes you realize how short life can be and that even though you may not like where you are this life stage, you have your husband, your family, your pets and your friends! Makes you hold on to them a little tighter during times like these!

 

 

 

Looking Forward To: These bruises being gone so I can sleep on my right side again!! The long weekend and some lake time, although the boat isn't in the water yet. Just being down there is soo relaxing!! Oh and the weather is supposed to actually be nice on a May 24! That never happens!

 

Creating: some more sewing projects!!

 

Planning: on putting the pool up in the back yard... we have finally come to an agreement. Putting up the kitchen back splash!

 

 

What I Am Loving

So it has been a while since I have shared what I am loving as of lately!!

I love that the weather has been gorgeous! Spoiled!!! And loving every minute of it!

I love that M and I ate out on the deck last night for the first time this season! Beer and burgers! Nothing like an 8:30 PM dinner! M didn't get home from work until 8:00 PM! Long day!

                    

 

Yes you do see two different hamburger buns. I prefer the smaller buns and M likes the big ones! No compromise! I end up buying both!

 
I made some chocolate chip peanut butter cookies yesterday! Yummy!!

Alison is having a GIRL!! This is super exciting!!

Today is McHappy Day! A great excuse to eat McDonalds! They are donating to the Ronald McDonald House which is a home away from home for several families with sick children! As we all know my sister and the fam stayed there while Brandon was in the NICU.

It's blood work day today. I do not love this! Not looking forward to it, but looking forward to seeing how my thyroid is doing! Have I mentioned that I HATE needles! I seriously fear them!

And some of the quotes I have been in love with:

But the struggles make you stronger, and the changes make you wise and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time.

 

And this is perfect!! I am working on it:

 

Happy Wednesday friends!!

Book Review: Bittersweet

Okay so I finally took some time to finish the book I had mentioned here.

Bittersweet

by: Shauna Niequist

 

This book was amazing! It spoke a lot about God, which at first I wasn't sure about, but by the end of the booked I just wanted more! The book spoke to me on soo many different levels! I went through and highlighted the lines soo important to me and almost every page has yellow on it!
 

This book was a nice easy read, as it is her telling her story, the way it was, how it made her feel and how she handled it. It was encouraging, it was real and it was downright honest. It was relatable and just what I needed! It challanged me to change the way I look at something now!

 

 

I can remember reading this book in Jamaica poolside with tears pouring out of my eyes! Thank goodness for big sunglasses! And just as I finished the book I was crying again! It just stirred up soo many emotions that I guess I have been putting to the side!
 

If you are struggling with anything in your life, this book will speak to you, no matter what the struggle.
 

As far as my faith goes, I can be honest enough to say that I am struggling, but this book gave me a new look at things. It brought faith back into my life even though I wasn't willing to consider it at this time.
 

It put soo many things into perception for me! It put so many of my thoughts into reality for me!
 

I am now going to share some of the lines that meant the most to me:
 

"I know what it's like to long for a new year, I know what it is like to feel like everything's on hold and you don't recognize your own life even though it's right in front of you."
 

"The middle is the fog, the exhaustion, the loneliness, the daily battle against despair and the nagging fear that tomorrow will be just like today, only you'll be wearier and less able to defend yourself against it. The middle is the lonely place, when you can't find the words to say how empty you feel, when you try to connect but you feel like a thick glass is seperating you from the rest of the world, isolating and deadening everything."
 

"What kept me stuck, when I was stuck, were my own demands and expectations, my own collection of fear and anxiety."
 

"I stop dreaming sometimes, because I am afraid of what it would take to change my life. I stop dreaming because I'm afraid of the chaos that a dream might bring, afraid of what a new dream will require of me. I practice being fine, and I tell myself that things are alright, just as they are."

 

 

"It's human to struggle. It's human to nurse a broken heart, to wonder if the pain will ever let up, to howl through your tears every once in a while."

 

 

"I don't have any idea why some bodies are strong and able and others seem to fail at every turn."

 

 

"I thought that what we really wanted are easy lives, and if we can't have those, then we can at least become deep, grounded people who grow through heartbreak."

 

 

"We become less fearful, more able, more comfortable with the idea of life as a beautiful mess."

 

 

This is a must read as far as I am concerned, even if you are not religious. You won't regret it! To be honest I would read it all over again just to get the messages that lie within it!

2012 -That's A Wrap!

Before we sum up this year and say farewell to 2012, I'm just gunna do a quick recap of Christmas!

- Christmas Eve was spent with my Mom, and my sisters sweet little fam, as well as Mike of course. We attended church and then went back to my sisters for a turkey dinner. I made lemon meringue tarts for dessert. We opened presents and I did get my gel nail kit!!! Soo pumped to have pretty nails again!! M got a Kuerig and we have been enjoying the hot chocolates and apple ciders so far!!

Here are some pics from the night:

 

The hats fit!!!

 

 

And this one just cracks me up:

 

- Christmas morning was at the farm:

 

M spoiled me with a new band for my wedding set:

 

 

Love it!!

 

And M got an iPad, which I will be honest, I am enjoying it!! He also got his helicopter which has been flying around in the house... you bet I am "impressed".

 

We had dinner at 2:00 with his parents and his Aunt Gay and then we jetted off to my Aunt's.

 

We played games, ate and drank and it was all fun!! We had everyone in on a game of signals and then spoons. My aunts table didn't fare so well afterwards!

 

We had to switch to plastic spoons, but it still didn't matter!!

 

The last week has been fun spending time with friends playing games including our new Dice Poker game!! Soo much fun!! A shopping trip to Ikea, a big snow storm and many discussion over our trip, which we still haven't decided on!!

 

Yesterday we took all the Christmas decor down - which is early for us, but the cats kept stealing ornaments and let's be honest I want to start Operation Organization 2013 early.

 

We are off to a great start with 2 bags and a box off to be donated and we haven't even started with our clothes yet!

 

And to sum up the year 2012, all can say is that:

because this year certainly wasn't. But I am blessed with my friends, my family, my hubby, my house, my pets and our jobs and for that I will be forever grateful no matter what.

 

Farewell 2012, it has been a slice...

 

Happy New Year Friends!!