Insecure First Wednesday Anallat

Hallo fine peoples! Welcome to Insecure Writer's First Wednesday, and one month into the re-boot, known as the New Year.

So it's been a month of chaos... I did that old writing thing for a while. My buddy Tina-Sue and I holding each other accountable... but it all sort of fell to heck when the world did. So once again, back to it...

But as for this month's Insecure Post... the question is:

How has being a writer changed your experience as a reader?

The answer, at risk of sounding like a major moron, is bigly. Oops. Was than political? Sorry.

I still walk and read. That hasn't changed.

But to be honest, for a while it sort of ruined it for me. It used to be that I just loved a good story. It didn't matter if they broke writing rules, or hit a couple cliches, or pulled a deus ex machina. I was okay starting the story in a dream, or looking in a mirror. I actually liked adverbs. So for a while after learning the writing rule it was really disappointing to read all these bad books.

But you know what? They aren't actually all bad. The rule abiding writer sort notices, but if other readers don't then the book is FINE.

And then I sort of got into a perverse cycle of loving bad books because they taught me what not to do. I'm over that. Though I still advocate doing it for a while. Just not long enough to pick up any bad habits.

And for more than a year of learning to write mysteries I read only mysteries, and then learning to write YA I read only YA. Anymore I try to mix it up a bit. And I try to separate from the rules. But I am definitely a more critical reader than I used to be. I read a lot of fantasy because I don't write ANY fantasy. I'm more a puzzlemaster than a world maker. It allows me that domain to figure “fantasy just does that”. I want so badly to have reading as escapism still available to me, and that is where I've found it.

What about the rest of you? Has it made reading better? Worse? Just different? No different?

Go check out the other Insecure Writers!

That Thing You Do

This is inspired by a little conversation I had recently that got me thinking about what the absolute essential thing is that makes us love a book, and how that has inspired our writing. Is it an MC you fall in love with (whether romantically or otherwise?) Is it beautiful language? Is it the character ARC? Is it a plot that surprises? Is it elegance? Because this stuff is all a matter of taste. Even within these there are taste differences, but I think all of us have one of these elements we care about a lot more than the other. Now there are things about the OTHER elements that can make me put a book down:

No Bella; Yes Forest

A stupid MC (though a character like a Forest Gump who has wisdom even with limited knowledge I can grab a hold of—I mean someone who just doesn't think... doesn't try to. And so does stupid stuff.) I want all the STUPID to have a reason that is not just an idiocy of character. (side characters can be stupid—stupid DOES happen)

Worse than stupid is a BORING MC (think Bella Swann), though I recently read a disappointing Margaret Atwood book (Bodily Harm) with a boring MC, and what distinguished her was she was not ACTING. Stuff was just happening TO HER. Yeah, none of that, thanks.

In terms of language, I love it if it's beautiful, but if too much is too beautiful it pulls me out of the story. Sort of like life, I prefer my beautiful trickled. Otherwise it sticks to the roof of your mouth. But far worse than TOO beautiful is clunky or error-ridden. I just can't ignore poor grammar and am only a little willing to ignore a couple typos.

I like character growth, but depending on the plot, it isn't always necessary. But ME?

I'M A PLOT GIRL

I like a plot with some twists and surprises but DO NOT like a plot where the twists come out of left field. I know in life some events do that, but they are the sort of events that precipitate a story. Not the sort that totally change it mid-stream. I LOVE when something happens and it makes me shout “I KNEW IT!” but one page earlier it would not have come to mind... some little seed was planted, but the hints as it grew were elegantly hidden except in the smallest of peeks.


IN MY WRITING

What this means to me is I HAVE to have some sort of timeline. The big events need to me conceived before I get started. I need to be working toward them. In mysteries I actually diagram... who are my suspects, what are their motives, what clues with the MC discover to connect each of them as a potential killer? From there it is more like a puzzle than a magic act. Oh, I still surprise myself, and I let myself add or change. Plans are not set in stone. Even a written story is not set in stone—stuff can be built in later. But I need most of it to at least hit the main plot points I started with.


As to That...

I am at about the halfway mark for NaNoWriMo and it is going well. I have reached the part where it gets harder, but hey, I always know 3rd quarter is my biggest struggle. I am enough ahead that I only NEED to write about 1200 words a day from here on out, though I'd prefer to be closer to the 60K mark at the end of the month. A rewrite is worth 10-15K added in, and I really need to be over 70K when I am done.


How about all of you? What component of a book is the “must” for you? And how has it influenced your writing? And if you are NaNoing, how is it coming?

There's No Accounting For Taste. Thank Goodness.

Say WHAT?

Well first, let me give you a little background.

See, I am watching Season 2 of True Detective and a lot of people I've talked to (or read reviews from) really didn't like it. Know what? I LOVE it. I think it's fantastic TV. It's a little subtler than Season 1. And there are a lot more characters to keep track of and some people don't like that. I'm not sure if it is because it complicates it and some people LIKE complicated (*raises hand*) and some don't. Or if it is that the real estate fraud is harder to wrap the mind around than serial killer? Whatever the case. I think it's fantastic.

Know what else I've been doing? Obsessing about Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones... and the more I discuss this with many people, the more I see how SOME people love this character, and SOME people love THAT character. But more than that, SOME characters are loved by some and hated by others (and I'm not just referring to the sickos who love Ramsay Snow (because there are some). I mean legitimate normal people... Take Daenarys... My neighbor HATES her. She is my daughter's very favorite character. Me? I'm capable of more subtlety than that and can like her and still see her flaws.

Remember Harry Potter? Did you ever get in enormous debates about Snape? I was involved in truly passionate conversations where people deeply held beliefs about him, all based on the exact same material.


What This MEANS to me...

Every reader, watcher, player, consumer brings their whole self to their experience and so what they see or read or hear is filtered through that and every last once of us has a different experience. It can cause some people to like absolute drivel like The Bachelor (yes, I'm judging). And it can cause others (sometimes reasonably, in the case of people who can't tolerate violence) to hate a masterpiece like Game of Thrones. My buddy Joris isn't interested because he likes his favorite characters to live and it's a fair point.


I think this is all FABULOUS. Why?

Because it is incredible, as a writer, to think I might be part of something so interactive like that. That I can feed one side of the equations and a thousand people can turn it into a thousand things but I was part of ALL of those things...

And ALSO because we ALL create different stuff, and the fact we all bring something different means we all have different preferences, which means there is a market for just about anything. (if we can find them, anyway)

So there.

Do you have any favorites you feel unfairly get the shaft? Any truly popular books or shows that you can't seem to get into?

Half Year Reading Assessment

So last week I didn't even manage a blog. I suck. I want to be interesting and I got nothin... but as tomorrow marks the end of the first half of the year and I had a couple reading goals/projects, I thought I'd share a bit about what I've read and what I recommend YOU read.


The Read Your Friends Project  (aka Blog Buddy Book Review)

Nasty by Bret Wright (Mystery/Thriller)

Nate Jessup is a PI in the Pacific Northwest and as the story begins, Nate is in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is held up by a desperate man who really just wants help getting away from the beach where they encounter each other, or more specifically, the MEN on the beach who are trying to kill him. Nate ends up with his car exploded and some people after him who think he has something that he doesn't.

The tone of this has a lot in common with the hard boiled detective stories of old, but I felt like it had a lot more heart. Nate isn't a caricature—he has some demons, sure, but he is also balanced—a good person who has just been through some stuff. I also loved the Pacific Northwest setting, though that may be because I have roots there myself.

Overall I loved the tension, story and the nice sprinkling of humor to keep this balanced. And excellent debut.

Dragon of the Stars by Alex Cavanaugh (Sci Fi—Space Opera)

I enjoyed this space jaunt. The characters were well thought out with complete arcs and Pendar had some very tough choices to make. I particularly loved Tamlin—his weapons leftenent (though I may have that title wrong)--she is his hard working and talented wingman with a gift for sincerity that makes her both a bit awkward and very endearing. I liked the moral dilemma at the core of this story and the character growth shown by Pendar, who is initially so focused on his career that he fails to quite comprehend that there are people around him with worries and lives. It isn't normally my genre, but there was plenty of character stuff to keep me happy.

A Twist of Hate by VR Barkowski (Mystery/Thriller)

This was a fantastic debut. I counted five separate mysteries, beautifully twined together. This story is set in current day, among the elite art community in the San Francisco area, but ties in an escape from Nazi occupied France and the newly contested ownership and theft of an important painting. The characters were compelling, slightly flawed or damaged, their interactions sometimes tense, and the plotting was masterful. I definitely recommend this.


The City of Refuge by Diana Wilder (Historical Fiction/Mystery)

As historical fiction I thought this was fantastic. As a mystery, I had just a few quibbles. I think the characters, backdrop, setting and details were very well done. The perfect level of description to really put me there. I feel though, the author might have made a slightly stronger story had there been something up front that suggested WHY they group was going to the dead city--I mean an official reason was given, but a "why then" would have hinted at the suspected looting--a motive for the second prophet. I mean I get that it is tied to the mystery, so important not to give too much away, and he isn't the PoV, but it would have increased the readers drive forward. As it was, I was about a quarter of the way in before I really grasped what the story was about. It all came through in the end and things fell together well, but it was a little hard to get into because of that.


The Prospect of My Arrival by Dwight Okita (Speculative Fiction)

I loved the premise of this story. An experiment to see if people who have a chance to PREVIEW life before they actually commit are then happier because it was their choice. And Prospect was a wonderful character—his combination of innocence and pre-coded facts made him engaging and much of this tale was very thought provoking and entertaining. I had a few later frustrations that would be too spoilery to share, but that is probably because I was too invested and had a certain way I would have liked it to go. And it's probably good I don't have the power to write my own endings, or I'd never be surprised. I was surprised here.


Strings (In progress--not yet ready for review) by Allison Dickson (Horror)

Pending. But already scary.


So I am starting the 6th rather than finishing, but that isn't so far off. Plenty of time to do my 12.



The Other Books I've read, According to Goodreads and by Genre

Young Adult (because I want to master writing these)

Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater (5 Stars)

I really enjoyed this twist on a myth tale. The world felt very real in most ways, pulling me farther into it so the fantastical bit (these "sea horses" if you will) feel real, too. The author really made me care about the characters and it had a perfect mix of darkness, tension, and triumph and hope.


Maggot Moon by Sally Gardner (4 Stars)

Very interesting book. Stylistically it had bits that reminded me of Fahrenheit 451 and bits like The Book Thief, though I liked it much better than the former and it didn't quite catch the magic of the latter. It was an interesting dystopian sort of world and an interesting set of characters. Overall worth the read.


Marbury Lens by Andrew Smith (5 Stars)

I sometimes feel guilty about how stingy I am with five-star reviews. I give them, but a story really needs to be fairly flawless AND suck me in—so both well executed AND my thing… But once in a while a book like this will come along that makes me feel like I need to go back and downgrade 90% of my fives because it is just head and shoulders above sublime.

This book is not for the faint hearted. There is swearing, a bit of sexual violence and a lot of teen deviance. But harder than that, this is very dark emotionally so it is probably not the thing for some people. But for others, it is EXACTLY the thing.

The story set-up reminded me a lot of The Talisman, one of my favorites from two of my favorite scary authors—Stephen King and Peter Straub. In both books there are parallel worlds in which people can exist in both and the MC is pushed into a position of going back and forth, but I felt while The Talisman is a brilliant show to watch externally, The Marbury Lens actually pulls us inside so we feel it. And the REAL world in Marbury Lens is more real and the OTHER world is darker… I just really feel like Smith upped the ante on the type of tale.


Passenger by Andrew Smith (4 Stars)

(Sequel to Marbury Lens) I LIKED this, but I didn't love it quite to the same degree. The premise is good—same parallel world setup as Marbury Lens, but this is a world where the changes you make have ripple effects and everyone else changes, too. My trouble with it was it felt less coherent, like the author was pantsing it more. I suppose the chaos is part of the point—the MC doesn't really know what is going on either, but I sometimes felt like neither did the author. (I have several friends who liked this one even BETTER, so I think this is a totally subjective assessment)

Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater (5 Stars)

Blue lives in a house with her mother, a couple relatives and several of her mother's friends. ALL of them are psychic... except Blue. Blue however, has a sort of amplification effect, so she makes all these women more powerful. It begins with attending St. Mark's with her aunt where the people who will die in the following year march in a parade along the lay line... this allows her family to “give notice” to the doomed who might have affairs to set in order (they seem to have a no harm approach—no need to tell anyone if there is no significant benefit). But in watching there is a boy Blue can see, Gansy. Her aunt says she can see him because either she is his true love, or she is going to kill him. (maybe both). Blue becomes acquainted with Gansey and a few friends, these Raven Boys. And they are on a quest—to wake a long dead king and get their wish... and so it begins. I love this series and this first book is an excellent introduction. This cast of boys is each unique, with his own strengths and flaws. And Blue's setup, in that house with that cast of quirky people, is brilliant, both for plot and for a heavy dose of humor in an otherwise sort of grim tale. This series is one I am strongly recommending to people and this is where to start.


The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater (5+  I'd rank it higher if I could)

I loved The Raven Boys, but I've been trained that the second in a series is typically a bit weaker. Not so with this one. This one is Ronan's story. Ronan is arguably the darkest Raven Boy, and we finally get to understand why and follow his demons and he wrestles with them, often quite literally. The over all story of the lay line and the quest for Glendower continues, but it becomes clearer why Ronan is such an integral part of this story. I really loved this.


Blue Lily, Lily Blue by Maggie Stiefvater (4 Stars)

The third in the Raven Cycle series and maybe weaker than the other two, but still excellent. I feel like any plot would be spoiler for the other two. What I will say is I am VERY eagerly awaiting the fourth.


The Walls Around Us by Nova Ren Suma (4 Stars)

This was such a unique story and telling. It tells a story from two ends--two narrators, two points in time. Amber is in a young women's detention facility. Violet is a ballerina headed to Julliard three years later. And both are telling the story of the character who connects them. To say much more risks giving it away, but it is one of the more unique books I've read stylistically and it mostly works. If I have a complaint it is that the ending strained my suspension of disbelief a bit. Overall though, it was very enjoyable.


Legend by Marie Lu

I loved this one. I just finished Friday, so need some thought, but basically, it is a dystopian future of a split US where part of it decides full futures based on a test we take at 10. The top get good training, the middle get manual jobs, and the bottom get experimented on... The MCs are a girl who scored perfectly and is a prodigy headed to government work and a boy who failed and somehow managed to escape and become a bit of a (legendary) criminal fighting for the little guy. Good stuff.


Mystery/Thriller

Spilled Blood by Brian Freeman (5 Stars)

A tale of two cities. This story is about twin towns, one benefiting from a huge agricultural research firm, the other experiencing a cancer cluster among kids that they blame on that same firm. Tempers are high and violence is escalating, and then the daughter of the CEO winds up dead. The MC is called to town because he is a lawyer and his daughter has been blamed for the death. I found the tensions true to life and the interactions realistic, and I loved the way an outsider with such a huge vested interest inside could dig down to figure out what was going on. I really thought this was an excellent mystery.


Historical Fiction

The White Princess by Phillippa Gregory (3 Stars)

I read this because I watched The White Queen on Starz and loved it and I wanted to see what came next. First person present was a problem for me (it always is except in the very most engaging stories) but for historical fiction it also felt particularly off. And then unlike The White Queen, where stuff HAPPENS, this felt like a lot of “well maybe this is happening” but nothing really ever did. I get that you don't want to change history, but I feel a little like this slice of it might have been more interesting from somebody else's point of view.


So that is 16 books read in 26 weeks... I'd love to be a super fast reader, but I just really am not. A book every two weeks though, is not a pace I am too embarrassed about. And making a point of highly rated YA for a lot of it I think has been a good investment. I am now going to turn to revisions on a couple of my YA drafts, so having a good feel for what works and what doesn't will be critical.

As for BuNoWriMo... I'm not going to win. It is the first time other than one I knew I'd be traveling so I made an alternative goal... I just petered out on plot. But I will get back to it. I need to do some revision and get a feel for how I do this thing first.

And on WEDNESDAY, when we are all here being insecure, I will announce the winner of VR Barkowski's ARC. You still have time to go enter if you want...

Blog Book Buddy Resolution

So know how I sometimes have really good ideas but am sort of crap for execution? This is one of those... I have recently read a couple GREAT books by author friends and it occurred to me I should make a better POINT of it. And I want to be HELPFUL and what is more helpful to author friends than REVIEWS. So I am making a resolution for 2015 to read at least a BOOK every MONTH by by blogging author friend.

And I am inviting YOU to do the SAME.

See, and hopefully it ALSO means we all get more reviews

Here is how it will work.

1)  Sign up with the McLinky below but link YOUR PAGE that lists your BOOKS so anyone wanting to read from the list of participants can use that. ALSO—when you name your page, include GENRE(s) so it is user friendly

Like this: Hart Johnson—mystery and suspense

2)  I don't want this to be cost prohibitive—some of us struggle, so if you are willing to give any books for FREE email me (hartjohnson23@gmail.com) with the book name and how people would get it (your email or a link to the freebie). I will keep a running list on the page with the tab above for Blog Buddy Book Resolution—feel free to add to the list if you publish more books. You may ALSO want to note how they could get it for free on your linked page listing your books, but you don't have to.

3)  I am asking those who participate to leave HONEST reviews about the BOOK. Anyone who thinks they might be tempted to 'respond in kind' if someone leaves a less than sparkly review, this is not your gig... move along. No harm, no foul. We all honestly benefit more from these honest reviews

4) Next December maybe we can have a party where we all share our reviews on the same day and if we GOT more reviews, share about THAT... And if it was successful, we can renew it for the following year.

How YOU can help:

1)  SIGN UP! Participate! These things are always more fun with friends. If you aren't published, you can still play—just put FRIEND instead of your genre with your name so everyone knows you are being supportive.

2)  I could use a clever badge and my art skills seized when I was about 8, so if someone wants to make one...

3)  SHARE! Invite people! Be sure to note though, what link we want—it can be confusing if people just link their blogs.

Damsels In Distress

You know... we are indocrinated with this... Disney's early stuff ALL was this. Snow White. Sleeping Beauty. Cinderella. I mean, sure, they had little animals giving them a hand until the man came around to do the job, but really, all of them had lousy lives sans MAN.

I'm glad Disney changed courses... Belle saves the Beast more than the Beast saves Belle... Mulan is tough. But still. Those FAIRY TALES...

Well... except Hansel and Gretel—Gretel thinks to make her brother look too skinny to eat and then shoves the witch in the oven, yes?

But mostly I think this indoctrination has led a lot of BOOKS to have damsels in distress too.

And you know what? I just can't tolerate that crap.

The first book that made me think... “HEY! I'd like to write books!” Was a Sidney Sheldon book I read in Jr. High where the heroine is counting on this marriage to this rich guy and then basically gets dumped, imprisoned and something else bad happens... I don't remember why... but while she is imprisoned she realizes SHE has it in herself to be her own hero. It was a bit Count of Monty Cristo, now that I think of it, though I read it before reading Count of Monty Cristo so I didn't know... but I loved the twist. [and it also explains the seeming non-sequiter pic of Emily Thorne]

And I have not been able to tolerate those dumb damsels since.

I mean SURE—everyone needs a rescue now and then...
And bad stuff happens to everyone—it makes for good reading.

But the damsel that needs the big strong man? No thanks. (I mean other than to dance like I like—we all need THAT kind of rescue now and again)


With the Garden Society Series I made a commitment early on—after reading one too many cozies that ended with the sleuth rescued by her hunka hot man crush, that MY HEROINE would be doing the rescuing, thanks. Not by herself. (She's not a ninja). And in the three books I've written she DOES get herself into a pickle now and then. But she is far more often on the other side of the equation.

In fact... Of the 14 books I've written, there is a female rescuing somebody in 12 of them... sometimes the rescuee is male, sometimes female (sometimes child)--the things they are rescued from range from abduction to bodily harm. I suppose they've needed rescues in probably six, but it doesn't seem as offensive to me when a person is on both sides of the equation in the same book.


Any of you have deep-rooted character peeves that you've carried through to most of your writing?

Little Lending Library

So normally when I go for a walk, I'm like WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH down the street at super speed, going so fast I barely notice ANYTHING (unless the fat squirrel is out—we always stop to feed the fat squirrel). But this week, since hubby has been home, I've been walking with him... at about 1/32nd my normal pace. You think I'm exaggerating, don't you? Well if he were walking his NORMAL pace, I only double him (seriously--I do--he meanders, I power walk). But he is low on blood and tires easily. I don't want him to fall down. So we've SLOWED down even from HIS poky pace. And I've noticed something a little bit precious on my block...

Two houses have these signs in front of their house... and then these BOXES of Books!(not just boxes--weatherproof havens)  Outside, right there to borrow on the honor system.

Now I've been part of workplaces before that had bookshelves for sharing. In fact I've found some of my FAVORITE EVER books that way (The Poisonwood Bible and The Red Tent come to mind)--books I may not have bought for their description, but that I ADORED when I read them. They were profound. So I love a system like this.

But I've never seen it somewhere BESIDES a workplace (if you don't count me pilfering books from my mother's house). What a BRILLIANT idea this is at a neighborhood level!

What I REALLY want to know is... is this some official bigger thing? Is this an Only In Ann Arbor thing? Is it regional? National? A website people can order from to implement wherever somebody gets the wild hair? Have any of YOU ever seen it? I suppose having a box of books sitting outside, unwatched, is something you'd need a crime-free neighborhood for--not just for theft, but vandals, too. But how cool is this!?

I can tell you MY plan. I have my eyes open for June (the woman in the house—she's been in our neighborhood... maybe from the start—a long time, anyway)—I want to ask permission to put a copy of my book in it. And as I finish my LARGE TBR pile, I am HAPPY to donate to it. I love the idea. I might even consider one at our house in the future, but not while we have the birdies in our mailbox. I wouldn't want all the extra activity just yet.

Smooches For All

You know... I've been thinking a lot about kisses... in books...

Whoa whoa whoa whoa...  
Is THIS a kissing book?!

I've read some really fabulous, blush-worthy kissing scenes, and some that seem like maybe they are thrown in for no real reason except the author wants them, and it has me thinking about HOW we like these things to go...

In real life, I sort of just think people ought to be fast and loose with the kisses. Kissing is a nice activity, and the more of it there is in the world, the better... You know, even though I'm not suppose to talk about him, HWMNBMOTI is a REALLY good kisser... compatible kissing is one of those things that contributes greatly to chemistry, yes?


But in LITERATURE, constant mentions of kisses would get old, wouldn't they? I mean a couple who kissed all the time... noticeably enough that the narrator has to WRITE about it... is annoying. It would maybe be a case of... narrator is jealous, as SHE wants to be kissing that boy? Or the couple so absorbed in each other that they aren't paying attention and get murdered... or maybe it is pointing out someone is slutty... (though let me be very clear, in REAL life, I don't see lots of kissing as slutty... in fact the only thing a tart thinks of as slutty in a bad way is really trying to tempt someone who is with someone else... That is inappropriate... otherwise, the word sort of lacks teeth to me—an invalid judgment, if you will... I LIKE sluts... *cough*)



So when do I like kissing in books?

I like unexpected kisses... kisses that catch the participants unaware... impulsive kisses. (especially between long-time friends)

I like forbidden kisses (though not so much those forbidden because somebody is attached—I don't like cheating unless the person cheating is of lesser power in a really imbalanced relationship). But the ones where no one gets hurt but it's secret? (think Cordelia and Xander or Buffy with either of the vamps—in fact Buffy--the show-- did a good job all around on the relationship issues)

I like hard earned kisses—couples who have to overcome obstacles to be together.

I like reconciliation kisses...

What is BORING, is plain old happy couple kissing... It is just where reality and literature diverge, I think



And HOW do I like my kisses?

I gotta tell you... I want to FEEL it, not WATCH it. A long description of what the people look like is going to do nothing for me. I want emotion, sensation... maybe a little self-argument. This is very probably ME... I am not particularly visual anyway, and I find what attracts me is usually very different than what attracts most women. I am annoyed by overly good-looking people in almost all cases and have no interest in watching pretty people couple... For this reason, someone describing some ideally gorgeous couple is just going to make me roll my eyes. Call me a cynic.

Where if the description stays with the other senses, I can enjoy it even if they ARE attractive *shifty*


And in terms of MORE than kissing... I guess there, I usually like the emotion and sensation better, too. I mean I can enjoy well-written erotica, but it isn't usually what I reach for, the reason being largely that sex is a messy thing... and so if there is a lot of description, it generally comes across as unrealistic. (It's one of the reasons I actually love my friend Liz's stuff—she keeps it true--sometimes messy). Mostly though, I'd prefer to have an in-the-head experience, rather than a porn cameraman one.



You know what is worse than too much or the wrong kind?

PRUDERY.

One of my favorite quotes when Breaking Dawn came out was 'another 700 pages where nobody gets laid.'

I am all for sexual tension, but an itch needs to be scratched eventually, yes? And relationships need to develop at a human pace. I have less tolerance of goody-two-shoes than attractiveness, for Pete's sake! All that self denial is for the birds! (It will make a nut job of you, too! Just look at Norman Bates!)


So that's where I stand on the kissing front. What about you? Do you like it? Lots of it? When and how?

Genrefication

Feels weird to get back to it, but it's about time, I think...

So my buddy Leigh posted last week about knowing where you fit: Knowing your Niche.

And don't tell anyone I am telling on her, but she confessed to *whispers* genre hopping!

And honestly, I'm not monogenred myself, though I do have a TYPE... I thought maybe we could talk a little about WHY we write what we do, how much flexibility there is in there, and whether the genres are connected or not... I'll go first, how's that?



READING Interests

BROAD (but not unlimited)

I love dark twisted stuff is what it boils down to.

That covers most thrillers (unless they are too technically detailed—think Tom Clancy—he loses me in the mechanics, or require previous understanding of fairly complex governmental inter-relationships—I find it all interesting, but that level needs to be easy to understand to a neophyte).

It covers most suspense (in fact this is probably my favorite, as it has more character depth than thrillers, and if I am diving into danger, I'd rather do it with someone I care about)

It covers MUCH mystery, but here too, I like the sub-genres where I get to know people and feel for them, so I am VERY picky on professional sleuths. I've read a ton I love, and I've put a ton aside unfinished because the person leading the story is one I just don't find compelling.

I love dystopian stuff provided there is that character connect (some, like Orwell's stuff, is way too detached.)

I love horror, done well... I want the kind with less gore and more ooky, freaky stuff... My favorite is Peter Straub. Mr. X is my favorite of his books.

I love family sagas—you know, where there is some dark secret that is tearing a family apart... or some grand event that makes them learn what is important...

I love historic fiction IFF the story and characters are compelling... I really prefer this to teach me history without it feeling like it's teaching me... I just finished The Pericles Commission and it is a SUBLIME example of and excellently done historic (in this case, murder mystery, so a double win)

I love fantasy DONE WELL. There needs to be a solid plausibility built in. Yeah, I know the CRITTERS and PEOPLES are often fantasy... I know there is MAGIC, but the rules need to be limited in a consistent way that amps the story. And honestly... these are often published without adequate editing... but when they are great, they are great.



What I sometimes Enjoy

Sci-Fi I am picky about but HAVE liked. I love... for instance... Ender's Game. I also love a medical sci fi. I think this is a genre I am limited for the same reason as some thrillers. I don't CARE about machines and technical crap, but the MEDICAL technical crap, because of my field, I can assimilate without feeling like it is that... The stuff though about relationships that happens to be set futuristically... that stuff is pretty cool.

Chick Lit... This is sort of a mood thing... I LOVED my first Jennifer Werner book and the second felt like an identical book and had no appeal. I really like a journey of self-discovery... I've LOVED a couple Anna Quindlan books and I think they fall here, though I guess I'm not sure... they seem to be family journeys more interesting to women though.

Literary Fiction:  I really love it if it isn't too pretentious, but it takes a lot more brain power on my end, so it is a more rare read.




What I Really Don't Read

Romance (and I don't mean to pick on this one—haven't read it... just was the first google image under romance novel): I'll tell you why. I don't buy it. There is not a premise in romance I can get behind. Happily Ever After bugs me, but my REAL problem is with the idea that ONE person can solve the problems of ANOTHER person. My fine friends... if you have problems, getting in a RELATIONSHIP is NOT the answer. If you meet a hot ASSHOLE, making him love you will NOT make him not an asshole. He will just be an asshole who loves you and so becomes YOUR problem because he is specifically an asshole to YOU. If YOU are insecure or confused or petty, a MAN will only make matters worse.

Non-fiction:  My life already has more reality than I care for...




There... so I've said it.

That SAID, I adore romance as the secondary plot to ANY of the above genres. It ROCKS as a secondary plot. You know why? It allows a romance to happen in a more realistic way if it isn't genre romance, and I LIKE LOVE. (note that chick lit romance usually involved personal growth—makes it much better, in my opinion.)



So how does that affect what I WRITE?

I'd love to write all the stuff I like, but I have some limitations...

I don't have the KNOWLEDGE (erm... or drive to learn) what is needed for historical, sci fi, or the thrillers that get into political stuff. Also on the more technical variety of mystery, though HERE, I can see myself progressing some. As I learn from the amateur sleuths I already write, I may decide to venture into slightly more knowledgeable sleuths. Probably I will never be a cop.

I don't have the IMAGINATION to write fantasy. This may be because I came to the genre late—I thought I was 'too mature' at much too young an age. I think I can say the same for horror... I just have a lot of trouble coming up with new, interesting awful stuff.


I have a couple ideas that are chick lit... I have a family sage (sort of mine) I KNOW I will write some day... but these are all sort of 'eventually' things.

For MORE thrillers... it is a skill issue, but also a character commitment... probably I won't get there.

What I end up with is the suspense, mystery, and the dark end of YA.



So how is the overlap of what you read and write, and what limits you (or does anything) for the writing end?

Personality and Plot

So I don't know if y'all KNOW this or not, but I am cheap in the best of times, and BROKE at the moment so I do my reading on a budget. Fortunately, I live in a town where I actually can do most of my reading for FREE. There are boxes of books left on curbs with 'free' signs. Heck, even our LIBRARY gives away free books.

Since I started writing mystery, I've kept my eyes open for some of the names that are prolific and widely read, but on the list of freebies, I am beginning to suspect it is the tail end that has survived. Two recent reads have taught me some big lessons for what I like and don't like, and it's fairly funny, because they are opposites.

Personality WIN

My neighbor said she loved Janet Evanovich, and I hadn't read any, so I picked up TWO (both are Stephanie Plum books, which I now know are Cozies, though I've only read Plum Lucky thus far). I LIKE Stephanie... mostly I like that she seems to have a collection of attractive male hoodlums helping her out. I have a little trouble with the racially stereotyped sidekick (finding it in poor taste to have the only black person in the book an ex-hooker) but I LIKED Lula's personality (overshot self confidence that somehow actually WORKS except when it doesn't). I maybe could even get along with the guy who thinks he's a leprechaun and talks to horses. The man candy is well done--hot, varied, and just a little quirky.

Plot Fail

I just found it WAY too big of a stretch. Grandma finds a duffel bag of money, proceeds to start spending it, it was stolen in the first place (and the second) so both the original thief and the secondary thief are trying to get it back... but the parade of stupidity and poor decisions through this just strained my credibility too much.

I found myself alternately laughing at character stuff and rolling my eyes with 'I can't believe we are expected buy this as part of this story.'

Plot Win

Now this one I am only half through, and it DOES go a little slow at points, but the premise and set up are pretty good. Cop with a troubled daughter, so when the bad guy starts talking to her, her family doesn't believe 'the wizard' is real. There's been a student raped and murdered on a college campus. The Sheriff, up for reelection, keeps trying to paint it as a 'cult-killer' (so he will seem more impressive when it's solved), but the MC doesn't buy it (and as of where I am, neither do I)...


Personality FAIL

There is a cast of thousands, which normally I am fairly tolerant of, but of HONESTLY about 40 characters I've met, I only like 2, and NEITHER is the MC--or even really a regular (I like the psychiatrist and the campus head of security). I don't like Bill Corde (he's a dismissive ass IMHO and I just haven't found anything appealing). His wife is a shrew who keeps dismissing her daughter's problems as 'attention getting' when the girl is so obviously distressed... though I think what REALLY speaks of this personality problem is I don't even like HER! (she's 7 and he's made her unlikable). I mean I KNOW characters should have flaws, but to be nothing BUT flaws...


So I think overall, while what I WANT is BOTH—good characters AND a good plot, it's interesting to see the different things the two do for me. I think the characters were more fun to read, but the better plot is more deeply engaging... I keep thinking about it when I'm NOT reading.

The Infamous List

You've all seen this… the BBC claims people have only read 6 on average. I’ve read a fair few more, in part because maybe 8 years ago I copied off a librarian list of top recommended reads. My plan is not just to tell you what I’ve read, but to advise you one whether YOU ought to or not.

I've read the ones in bold. I've read partial stuff in italicized stuff.


1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen I know she is a classic and all, but this isn’t my type of thing… it’s a pastoral romance and well done for what it is. What it ISN’T is exciting. To me anyway.

2 The Lord of the Rings- JRR Tolkien The rare case of the movie is better than the book. This is a pretty great story, weighed down by overly descriptive prose.

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte Worse than pastoral romance is pining for an arsehole. This isn’t my thing EITHER.

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling BEST. BOOKS. EVER.

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee This is a really good one, and not too dense. I’d recommend it, but I think everyone has to read it in high school.

6 The Bible Worth looking into. Some of it is interesting. Some of it is even important. Mostly though, I think it is important to know where some portion of our culture is basing its beliefs. I think it would ALSO be good to read the Q’uran.

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte This is my preferred Bronte. Like Jane Eyre, we have a piner, but Heathcliff is the original bad boy. At least he is worth pining for.

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell I graduated high school in 1984, so I think we all read this. This is one of those ‘you should read’ but more so you’ll sort of get the references than because it is so well done. It is sociologically important, but as a literary work I rank it about with Farenheit 452 (translation—mediocre).

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman I enjoyed these, though Lyra’s accent is weird, so reading out loud (I read them to my kids) posed some challenges.

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens Dickens has the odd distinction of having bothed loved and hated books in my book. This one falls solidly in the middle. It’s okay.

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott I loved this one, though I was fairly young when I read it.

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller—this is on my ‘intend to read’ list.

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare I prefer Shakespeare seen to read, but some of the stories are great.

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier This is that same plot as Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights and I stand by only Wuthering Heights pulling it off.

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien I liked this one… the style isn’t so different from LotR, but it is a little more playful or something.

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger—Also on my intend to read list.

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell (movie yes… suspect, knowing me, it is the kind of story I like watching better than reading because of the central role of romance.)

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald I found this dull. I don’t know if it is my age (I was 15) or my aversion and annoyance with pretty people or some combo.

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens--I own this, but it is far down on my list.

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy This is my favorite book of all time. It is an epic, and it is denser than dense, especially as everyone has about 4 names, but I LOVE it.

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams—I am ashamed I haven’t read this.

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky I couldn’t find ANYTHING in the MC about which to be sympathetic and there wasn’t adequate redemption or understanding to make it work. I HAVE read a Dostoyevsky I liked—The Brothers Karamazov is great. Read that instead.

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck—I’ve read two Steinbeck’s, and I THINK this is the second (Cannery Row is the other) and I think everyone should read one or two, but I’ve heard East of Eden is the best.

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll I call this a partial, as I’ve read a version, but it isn’t the full, original.

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame Same story as Alice.

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy I started this a long time ago, but it is a beautiful antique book, so I can’t read it where I normally read (bath or walking), so since I started writing, I haven’t really picked it up again.

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens This is the Dickens I enjoyed most. It might be that it was the first I read as an adult. The ones I read as a teen were much harder. It’s a great story though.

33 Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis See how I did that? Daughter and I read the first 5, then she was done and I wasn’t compelled to finish… so we read most but not all.

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen This was me giving Austen another chance and confirming she just isn’t really my thing.

36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis It’s a good book for reading to your elementary student. I’m not sure it merits picking up alone.

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini This is a beautifully told horrible story... meaning painful and hard to hear, but told in a way you need to read it anyway.

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden I liked this as a cultural immersion and a book, but am not quite sure it is literature... maybe it is... it's worth reading... I'm not sure what's a little off.

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown I confess to liking this, but I read it before I wrote regularly. And I LOVE conspiracy theory, especially when it shines the light on religion.

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez Read Marquez review below.

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving—In intend to read this.

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery—It's possible... probable... I started this, but I was too old for the content by that time (seems I was 15 going on 25)

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood This book is NOT enjoyable, but it IS important. I'm glad I read it.

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding Same here. I read this to both kids the summer before middle school because I wanted them to see in no uncertain terms what bullying and following could lead to.

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan all I remember of this is that I was mostly bored and then really dissatisfied with the ending. I have NO OTHER recollection of the experience.

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel This was cute until it was just too far out there. Boat with a tiger, fine. Man eating island? I think not.

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth started this and liked it but it's LONG (1500 pages) and it was a libarary book—I need to try again when I don't have a ton of conflicts.

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens This was my first Dickens and very difficult to read, but it is a good plot, and the best open and close of any book EVER.

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez I prefer this Marquez, and the two are so similar (so reading both annoyed me)--I like his stuff—just... mood, language, plot... yeah... basically the same book.

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov I adore this book because the narrator is so grotesque, yet somehow Nabokov pulls us into his head so we see BOTH that he's fairly insane (clinically disturbed) AND that he has no perception of that AT ALL. He thinks his urges are the girls' fault—always, and totally doesn't get it. It's not that he's stupid, and on some level he gets it isn't normal... I have no CLUE how an author pulls a reader into this kind of delusion (a straight mother of a teen, no less) but the writing is so sublime that he manages. Writing an unsympathetic but compelling hero is acknowledged in writing circles as a great skill—this is the strongest case of this I've ever seen.

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold Another... you should read it, even though it isn't much fun, book.

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas This is EXQUISITE plotting.

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville I was surprised I liked this—it is a little testosterone heavy, but it is better than I expected.

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens This poor book was forced on me as a freshman in high school and I just wasn't up for the language. I hated it, but I don't think I would, had I encountered it as an adult. And Uriah Heep still gives me the willies (and not the good kind)

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker I read this on a kick of old horror. It 'reads old'--it has some flawa in common with some of HP Lovecraft's stories... it has some of the same brilliant chills though, too. I think the turn of the century just wasn't a time famous for narrative style, but the tale is good. I think it's a must for anyone who likes horror—know your roots, and for anyone who thinks they like vampire stories...

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett—I should have read this. I know that. I may, yet.

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice WalkerThis was required reading for an American Lit class I had in college, and I think that is true. If you are American, this is required reading. It is told in the form of a diary of a poor black woman, grammar, spelling errors and all (nobody knows she can even read) and it is a profound, heartbreaking, but triumphant story.

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert—part of me thinks I read this, but if I remember NOTHING, that doesn't bode well.

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White GREAT kid's story. Everyone should read this as an early chapter book to their kids.

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams I loved this as a kid, but tried to read it to the son and he bailed... apparently it was good compared to what I was reading, but doesn't stand up to the modern options.

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare—I think I read this, but get it confused with MacBeth... I KNOW I read MacBeth (my high school Shakespeare teacher had a life goal of playing one of the witches in MacBeth)... and I know I read 'As you Like it' in that class... plus two more... (other years I read Romeo and Juliet and Julius Caesar, but there were 4 in this one semester class)--was Hamlet one? Seems it must have been...

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo This is a close second to War and Peace for best book ever. In fact I think the plot is more clever. War and Peace just has a broader canvas of engaging characters. I love the 'justice' message in the French books of this era (Count of Monte Cristo having a similar, though Dumas is the equivalent of 'commercial'--publishing serially for the masses, where Hugo was 'a real writer' *cough *



So there you have it... the list... I've read 38 completely, plus three I think I have but can't quite remember, plus six in part... I've been telling people 42... there was an earlier iteration and I remember that was my score, but I am not remembering what was THERE, that isn't HERE. (I know Where the Red Fern Grows was)



I happen to think this list needs updating. My facebook friends agree, which makes it fact...


If I were to add to it, given modern books of import, I might add the following:


The Giver (Lois Lowry)

Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

The Drifters by James Michener (I actually prefer this to Kerouac's 'On the Road' as a Vietnam era tale... not that I've read On the Road, but I HAVE read Kerouac, and he never really gets a point across. Michener does)

The Shining by Stephen King—like it or not, King has a place in literary history and I think this is a nice, well-done, representative one.

Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins


I'd take off the couple duplicates (no need for Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe when the set is there. Same with Hamlet). I think Marques is the same from book to book, so I'd only include one. I'd probably include fewer from Austen... in fact honestly... I think there are several authors I'd include with a note of not CARING which... 'two books from Austen' seems a perfectly reasonable marker, no matter what they are.



I'm not sure what else... given time, I'm sure there would be many more.

What would you add to books everyone should read? What SPECIFICALLY would you remove?


Reader Recommended Adds

The Outsiders
Uncle Tom's Cabin
A River Runs Through It,
The Bell Jar,
The Road,
Atlas Shrugged
the Twilight Series
Huckleberry Finn (okay me, but in comments...)
The Chocolate War

In Interest of Ignorance

I'm not a big fan of general ignorance. It leads to idiocy (often political)... but when there is a surprise to be had... I don't wanna know. I LOVE surprises... and what's MORE, I know myself well enough to know that nine times out of ten, I enjoy the anticipation of the surprise better than the surprise itself. (yeah, okay—THAT is probably just me—I can be a little tricky to satisfy).

When I was little I once peeked in the closet where the Christmas presents were hidden. I didn't know then what it would do. It RUINED Christmas, and I didn't even dare confess, as it was my own darned fault. Since that time, I ACTIVELY try to avoid learning. If I hear whispers, I go away. If someone says guess what I got you, I say, “I don't want to know.” My college boyfriend used to get upset that I wouldn't engage in the 'come on, please tell me' game... (I did once, because I knew he loved that game, but then the idiot TOLD me! IRKSOME!)

Over time, I've learned this makes me a little freaky. I don't know if some people just can't stand not knowing? It confuses me. I mean it's not like life's OTHER up-in-the-air ambiguities (I HATE those and almost care more about having things SET than having them go the way I WANT). But a surprise, by definition, is nice. You are getting something, and chances are, it won't be a sharp stick in the eye. What's the rush? Why on earth is it so important to know whether you are getting a sweater or a necklace?

NOT anticipating also keeps me from being disappointed if I sort of hope it's something REALLY special, then it's not. Being out of the habit lets me just always enjoy it... well, unless it's something I don't like.


On Books

I know some people who open a book and read the last page. This is a species of being to which I obviously not only don't belong, but will never understand. Are there any of you freaks out there? What is the appeal of this? Why the heck would you want to already know the ending? What pulls you through a book, if not the quest to find out?

Oh, there are a few books I've read more than one (but not many)--they really have to be carefully put together for me to REALLY enjoy them multiple times—at least for reads that are temporally close. On THIS, I know there are many who feel differently—they are probably people who read faster than me... my own reading list is just too long and there is not enough time, so the only books that make it with some regularly, are the Harry Potter books, and that is because I always notice some little cleverness I missed on the last 7 rounds.

Imaginary and Irksome Idiom

Several years ago, when I was desperately trying to convince my then 5th grade daughter that it was still cool to read with mom, I took a recommendation from a book store for 'His Dark Materials'. And the story is really pretty great, I love it, but MAN, was that hard to read out loud! Lyra talks like a freak! I know it was in an attempt to show that her world had some subtle differences from ours (the freak talk and the personal demons, primarily), and I suppose as a technique for that, it worked pretty well, but I think Pullman overshot.

Alternately, in 'The Clockwork Orange', where the punks use their cutsie little rhyming whyming technique while they beat up old people, you are drawn into a world that is just too horrible to imagine. The idiom increases the horror of it, because it illustrates that to these guys, this is all just play.

Idiom can be illustrative of real world differences too. Done well, it can make dialog illuminate race, poverty, region, nationality. But it is such a tricky thing to do adequately to get the point across, without making the language too hard to follow. I love the book Huckleberry Finn, but the first time I read it, at sixteen, following Jim's speech patterns was very difficult. Had it not been for my divine English teacher, Sylvia James, I might not have had the patience (she helped me with Shakespeare too—for whom language wasn't so much idiom, as old and poetic, and so unfamiliar to my sixteen year old ears)

I am in process on a trilogy which has half a dozen Romanian characters in addition to my American ones. Some of them have been in America for a long time, so I have just thrown in a word now and again, but a few are just here for the first time (or speaking English THERE to characters who go there). It is a tricky thing and I have no clue if I am drawing the line right on how much to tweak language. I want to get it across, without being cumbersome. (Never mind the cases where the characters are actually speaking Romanian to each other but I am putting it in English, because I want people to be able to read the darned books).

I have two friends I will ask to be first readers, one who lived in Romania, another who is Romanian but lives in the states. I hope that will be adequate, but I would love to hear what any of you have done to deal with tricksey idiom...



Impressive... erm... okay, just impressive...

Dibs on the one on the left.

Yeah, I definitely gotta get me one o' those...