The following is a talk that my older and wiser sister gave in church last month. She sent this to me since I was referenced in her talk, and because I'm sure I need it just as much as anybody. I loved the things she taught me through her personal experiences and our loving prophets. I loved it so much that I thought I'd make it permanent in writing somewhere so that I can look back on it someday when I need it again. Maybe one day these words can also be comforting to my own girls, as they will need strength raising children during such trying times.
I know it is a little long, but when you have some time, I strongly suggest you read it too.
I love you Tam for being such a great example of a strong daughter of God and a great mother.
When the Bishop called me earlier this week and asked me to speak in church, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It has been a difficult couple of weeks. I have been a hunter’s widow, I have been sick, and my children have been sick. In my mind, caring for your own sick children is one of the most challenging aspects of being a parent. After relating the past two weeks to my sister over the phone along with my assignment to speak, ironically on having a positive attitude within the home, she said, “Well, at least we know that Heavenly Father has a sense of humor.” I am still not laughing, but the good news is that I have learned a few things in preparation to speak today, a blessing in disguise so to speak.
I made a list of some things that may cause us to have a negative attitude: illness, stress, discouragement, fatigue, chaos, disorder, confusion, disappointment, disapproval. We all have experienced situations in our life where it seems like the load is too much to bear. How do we overcome these challenges so we can have a positive attitude toward life and others, especially our families?
As most of you know my husband, Barry, has a time consuming and demanding career. In the beginning it was school and studying, then it was residency, and now it is practicing medicine. As a stay-at-home mom to four boys, it can be lonely and overwhelming at times. Our challenge as parents is to provide physical, emotional, and spiritual nourishment to our children. Like most of you, I find it difficult to do all three well. I often find myself exhausted, discouraged, or frustrated. Not a good breeding ground for a positive attitude.
An excerpt from a talk given by President Thomas S. Monson found in the February 2000 Ensign teaches us the importance of gratitude, it states: “A popular refrain from the 1940s captured the thought:
Accentuate the positive;
Eliminate the negative.
Latch on to the affirmative;
Don’t mess with Mr. In-between.”
He continues, “This is a wonderful time to be living here on earth. Our opportunities are limitless. While there are some things wrong in the world today, there are many things right, such as teachers who teach, ministers who minister, marriages that make it, parents who sacrifice, and friends who help.
We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.
A favorite hymn always lifts our spirits, kindles our faith, and inspires our thoughts:
When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed.
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done…
So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessing; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.”
I have learned that this principal is true. When I concentrate on what I am thankful for versus what is missing at that moment, I am much happier; being happy makes me a better wife and mother. I am more patient and kind. I am not saying that it is easy, but I know that it works. There was a familiar saying in our house growing up that puts things in perspective, it is: “It could be worse.” It means that you can always find someone worse off than you no matter what your circumstances. I have remembered this saying and it has buoyed me up during difficult times.
At the time of Ethan’s diagnosis with Autism, we were living in Salt Lake City. He was three years old, and we were going to Primary Children’s Hospital at least once a week for speech, and physical therapy. There was one particular day that was hard. Barry was in medical school, and I was left alone to take Ethan and Carter to all of Ethan’s therapy and doctor appointments. We were running late causing me to feel angry and frustrated. We walked in the front doors and as we were waiting for an elevator I began to look outside myself and take in my surroundings. I was shocked and became tearful when I saw the number of children that were obviously very ill or had a severe physical handicap. It was at that moment that I became grateful for Ethan’s mere diagnosis of Autism.
In the June Ensign of this year there is a Question and Answer section where they posed the question, “How can I better align my day-to-day actions and attitudes with gospel truths about family?” There were some good points made. They were: 1. Focus on what you do well, 2. Do not run faster than you have strength, 3. Try to keep the big picture in sight, 4. Focus on the basics, and keep things simple, 5. Listen to hymns and Primary songs.
1. Focus on what you do well: With so much that we can do better, it is easy to lose sight of our strengths. We need to focus more on the good and less on the bad to avoid discouragement and frustration. These emotions do not invite the spirit into our hearts or homes. Without the spirit it is hard to experience true happiness.
2. Do not run faster than you have strength: It is hard to be happy when we are tired and overscheduled. Occasionally, it seems we are trying so hard to be good examples of diligence, hard work, and service that we forget to bless our children with an example of calm, happy peacefulness. We need to limit our to-do-list, and try not to multi-task. Spilled milk is a tragedy only if we have planned a million activities for the day and are trying to be too many places at once. I feel the most stress when I have more things to do than I have time to do them. I am constantly telling the boys, “I can only do one thing at a time.”
3. Try to keep the big picture in sight: There are good and bad parts to each stage of life. Children grow quickly. President Thomas S. Monson said, “If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly. Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, ‘They do not love that do not show their love.’ We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.”
4. Focus on the basics, and keep things simple: Regular family prayer, scripture study, and Family Home Evening invite the spirit into our homes and will strengthen our families. I have learned that Family Home Evening does not have to be a big production. We are more apt to have Family Home Evening in our home when we keep it simple. We often just read and discuss an article from the Friend.
5. Listen to hymns and Primary songs: Listening to hymns and Primary songs at home will foster a sense of peace and love. I have heard several church leaders say that church music invites the spirit into our lives.
A positive attitude is contagious. Everyone has heard the old saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I have learned through experience that my attitude directly affects my family. I know that by being grateful, counting my blessings, and remembering and acting upon basic gospel principals my family will be blessed. By doing these things, the Spirit will be in our homes and this will reinforce our positive attitude. Our families will also benefit from feeling the spirit and will be happier by having its presence in their lives.
I would like to close with another quote from President Monson. He says, “Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows.”
Bella has graduated out of her highchair for meal time and snack time. She decided she was way too old to be sitting in that baby chair! This was a pic of her at lunch time the other day. She loves sitting up on the big kid chairs at the bar.
