Dude, I Know What Optimism Means, But Seriously.....

Was reading a White Sox article off their main page, and some guy's comment directed me to a Royals article written by a guy making it sound like they would win the World Series or something. I bit, and to my pleasant suprise, the commenter wasn't exaggerating all that much. The author is Dick Kaegel.

Ten questions, and answers, to ponder about the Royals for 2010:

Get ready for some bubblyheaded sunshine vomit......

1. Will this finally be the year the Royals can get over .500 and possibly even contend?

Good question. Answer: Absolutely not. No chance. Nay. Never. Not possible. Your turn, Dick!

Absolutely.

You should be hurled off a cliff for saying that.

Of course, that's what the optimist in me thinks every year.

The optimist in you, sir, has a brain dysfunction. Optimistically, the Royals take 3rd place if the Tigers and Indians seriously pancake.

The Royals haven't won a thing since 1985, and they haven't been over .500 since 2003.

This is why I am calling you stupid, sir. The Royals are not noticably better right now than they were last year. They have added zero players of consequence. They lost 97 games last year. You think they'll be .500? REALLY?

The American League Central is pretty balanced,

Baseball divisions aren't very balanced. The Indians and Royals have pretty darn close to zero chance of winning the division. That is not balance.

I'm looking for another big year from Zack Greinke,

Your predictive skills astound me.

with solid support this time from Gil Meche, Brian Bannister and Joakim Soria.

Meche: Good. Bannister: Smart, but not good. Soria: Awesome. Beyond that on the pitching staff, it's Cruz: mediocre and everyone else: terrible. This does not a winner make.

The defense should be tighter with Chris Getz at second and Jason Kendall catching.

And catcher and 2nd base should combine for an OPS+ of 2.

Speed has been added with Chris Getz.

Actually, I'm glad he pointed this out. Chris Getz is one of the best baserunners you will find in baseball. Not the fastest, but one of the most efficient.

It'll take a breakout year for Alex Gordon, a la Billy Butler in 2009

So you're asking Alex Gordon to raise his EqA similar to the magnitude Billy Butler did. You heard it here first, folks. If Alex Gordon has a .283 EqA this year, THE FARKING ROYALS WILL SIT ATOP THE AL CENTRAL!!!!

a career rebirth for Yuniesky Betancourt at shortstop

Yuniesky Betancourt is the worst starting player in major league baseball. A rebirth for him would be morphing into Cesar Izturis for a season. Before I hear rabble rabble rabble rabble from the peanut gallery, check out that defense.

and a typical David DeJesus season to get 'er done.

So checklist:

1) Alex Gordon EqAs .283.
2) Yuni B is as valuable as Cesar Izturis.
3) David DeJesus plays like David DeJesus.

Ignore the fact that you are starting a bunch of guys like Mitch Maier and that Josh fucking Fields is your preliminary designated hitter unless you want to give Willie Bloomquist another 434 at-bats this season (and lead him off a lot! Wow is Trey Hillman an idiot....). Those three things will get it done.

2. Can Greinke have another Cy Young-type season, or was that just a fluke?

Why do you even ask this question? Greinke had a very good 2008 as well. He's not Esteban Loaiza.

3. Is Butler the type of player who can be a forceful offensive leader for the team?

Yes. He's gonna be good.

Butler looks like your friendly neighborhood kid, not the flint-eyed warrior who'll lead the troops up San Juan Hill.

I don't recall the writer of this question asking anything about that. Ah who am I kidding, you wrote the questions too. You're a dumbass.

But, at the ripe old age of 23, he's coming into his own as an on-field force and a voice on the club. His war club is his bat,

Kevin Youkilis, instead, uses a tennis racquet.

and he'll lead by example,

I promise you, he'll have no effect on Jason Kendall's hitting. Jason Kendall stinks.

hitting and playing hard. Butler's hard training and excellent 2009 season propelled him into a new and higher status.

I could rant about how Butler's 2009 season wasn't "excellent", because he EqA'd .282 as a first baseman, and was close to 1 on the WARP scale, but developmentally, it's true. I guess I'm bothered by the fact that he didn't mean it that way.

4. Can DeJesus be the inspirational leader that every winning team seems to need?

Who the fuck cares? He plays for the Royals. You need to be able to hit more than 144 home runs to be any good, and 42 of those were hit by Olivo and Jacobs, who aren't even on the team anymore.

With his effervescent smile and bubbling personality, DeJesus has the ability to give everyone a positive outlook. With his buddy Mark Teahen gone, DeJesus could easily take over some of the clubhouse leadership that Teahen exhibited, particularly among the younger players. DeJesus, who has been with the Royals longer than anyone, plays hard and sets a good example both on and off the field. Now is the time for him to step forward and take his share of command.

Might push the Royals from a 67-win team to a 68-win team.

Seriously, they won 67 games last year with the deserving Cy Young Award winner. Do you know how horrendously bad the supporting cast needs to be for that to happen?

5. If the Royals nosedive early next season, will manager Trey Hillman's job be in jeopardy?

A: He should have been fired a long time ago. Trey Hillman is terrible.

That's an interesting question, because Hillman was general manager Dayton Moore's choice and he has been one of Hillman's most fervent backers. That said, this is Hillman's third year, and failure will ignite the usual "He's in trouble" rumors, founded or not. In reality, it would take a calamitous showing or an unforeseen split between Moore and Hillman to prompt an ouster. Right now, they're on the same line of the same page.

Yet another reason the Royals won't go anywhere: their awful manager won't have much chance of getting fired. Next!

The 6th and 7th questions are better.....we'll skip them.

8. Now that Teahen has been traded, who'll take over as host of "The Mark Teahen Show" on the giant Crown Vision HD board?

Well, the name of the show will have to be changed, of course, and, gee, there's no real front-runner.

If you did write that question, and answered it like that, you are a major douche.

Suggestion: The Royals should hold tryouts. Some guys have obvious attributes. Jose Guillen could make bold in-your-face inquiries.

Suggesting any marketing tool in which Jose Guillen is required to interact with people is not only retarded, but hazardous to everyone involved. Please....just stop saying things.

DeJesus could ask anything, and the ladies would pay attention.

Your call ladies.....





















Bannister could ask Sabermetric brain-twisters.

To which the crowd would reply: "Why can't you strike anyone out?"

Willie Bloomquist could probe into the nuances of any position.

Except: batter.

Juan Cruz could ask questions that require no answers.

What does this even mean?

Greinke could come up with off-the-planet questions and answer them himself -- after all, he proved last year he could do it all.

Have you ever heard Greinke talk? Yo Larry....get a link that interview you showed me up in here!

9. Which player will be the biggest surprise of the 2010 season?

Hmmm....I guess Davies could right the ship a little bit a-la 2008. Fields could figure out that power stroke from 2007 if he plays every day. Getz might turn into an on-base machine. If you stop burying Kila Ka'aihue in Triple-A behind sub-major leaguers like Mike Jacobs (and possibly Fields), maybe he could be a suprise power source. Lots of good choices here really....now let's see who you're betting on.....

I'm picking Betancourt

Of course you are.

10. Where will the Royals finish next season?

First place, with 88 victories (copy, paste and save to read on Oct. 3 on your way to the playoffs).

You are my favorite writer ever, Dick.