Hank Steinbrenner With a Firm Grasp on the Obvious

Baseball Tonight is currently quoting him as having said this earlier tonight, re: that one Yankees pitcher everyone is all hot and bothered about:

If this had been a first start for any other pitcher on any other team, it wouldn't have been such a big deal.

No fucking way. Are you sure? Let me think about that for a second...

Yeah, you know- he kind of has a point there.

Ebert, Roeper, and Morgan

Joe, during tonight's Twins/Angels game, re: Bull Durham:

That's one of the greatest movies ever made about the minor leagues.

Are you sure? Boy, that's going out on a limb. Do you really want to stick it up there with Brewster's Millions? What about Major League III? And don't forget Bleacher Bums, with that unfunny pud Brad Garrett. I guess if you really wanted to stretch it, you could call Bull Durham one of the top 25 minor league-centric movies ever. But expect some resistance to that inclusion from serious movie aficionados.

Herez you're bonus punchedline!!!!!!!1111:

I bet Joe would call Babe Ruth one of the best home run hitters of the 1920s.

Reader Extra Participation Friday: That's Actually a Word

This isn't a direct quote but I've got the gist of it right. Earlier today on 1st and 10, Dana "I'm So Wasted" Jacobsen helped viewers understand one of the finer points of Roger Clemens's testimony from the previous day's congressional hearing.

"Clemens at one point claimed that his friend Andy Pettitte had 'misremembered' certain discussions the two of them had participated in years ago. We know some of you out there around the water cooler at work are wondering about that word. It turns out that it is indeed in the dictionary; it means to remember something incorrectly."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! So THAT'S what it means. There's no way I could have possibly figured that out from context. Or from similar sounding words like "misunderstood," "misheard," "misspoke," "mistake," or any of the dozens of other words with "mis-" as a prefix. Thanks, Dana, for filling us in.

For Reader Extra Participation Friday, feel free to define any sports-related word/term in a way that comes off as insulting to anyone who's gotten past the 6th grade. For example:

Bounce pass- A real basketball term. It describes the act of sending the ball to a teammate ("passing" it) by bouncing it off the court and towards him or her.

Block- Shockingly, this is something that happens during a football game. Offensive players try to get in the way of defensive players, to "block" them from getting to various places on the field. They push or grab the defenders in order to do so.

Steal- One of baseball's more obscure acts. A player already on base attempts to move to the next base while the pitcher is throwing to the batter. If he is successful, it's kind of like he "stole" the base, because no one else on the offense did anything to help him get there!

Wrister- It doesn't get much weirder than this. It's actually a slang term for a type of hockey shot, executed mostly by flicking one's wrists in order to shoot the puck towards the opposing team's goal. Since you use your "wrists" to do it.... yeah, I know. It's messed up.

I know this is kind of weird, but it's the best I could come up with this week. Consider it a challenge. I'll be back next week with something easier, like coming up with adjectives that describe the quality of journalism Woody Paige usually creates.

Reader Extra Participation Friday: Impending Recession May Hurt Economy

Charley Rosen writes about the NBA for Foxsports.com. He's usually pretty informative and entertaining. I often find myself enjoying his work. His analysis of the recent Miami-Phoenix trade, however, is titled in a fashion that should come off as insulting to anyone who knows how basketball is played and who this "Shaquille O'Neal" fellow is.

Shaq will force Suns to alter run-and-gun style

Really? You think? Subtracting Shawn Marion, and replacing him with a 450 pound center in his mid 30s who runs like he's wearing ski boots, is going to hurt their fast break? Pssssh. Now I've heard everything. Next, you'll be trying to con me into thinking that:

-Adding Santana strengthens Mets' rotation
-Tomlinson disappointed he was unable to play in AFC Championship game
-Crosby's injury will cause problems for Penguins
-Yao enhances Rockets' ability to market themselves in China
-Dropping bid for Republican nomination hurts Romney's chances of becoming president
-Ledger's death mourned by females aged 13 to 60
-TV writers' strike prevents sitcoms from being filmed
-Lil' Wayne releases album focused on drugs, sex, occasional gun violence
-Bloggers live in basements, fear sun

And so on and so forth. Anyone else have any breaking news they'd like to share with the group? I don't think I took too many of the obvious ones.

This week's prize is an unopened Slim Jim. I've got too damn many of these things down here to eat by myself. They really make you thirsty, especially if you try to wash them down with Cheez-Wiz.

pleading for leniency will get you nowhere

espn's michael knisley, re: colorado's 13 inning win over san diego in the NL wild card playoff game:

A long, stressful, extra-inning night finally ended a long, stressful, extra-game regular season Monday in Denver, and the Colorado Rockies flew away to Philadelphia and the National League Division Series ...

... on Holliday.

Matt Holliday.

please don't make dumb puns like that. i promise you, less than 2% of your readers are impressed. yet, 2 paragraphs later-

In that sense, if you'll excuse the pun, the game was a baseball holiday...

what the shit did i just say? if you're a professional writer, and feel the need to preface a pun with "if you'll excuse the pun..." that should be your first hint that it was a terrible idea to write it in the first place. idiot.

oh, you think?

i didn't get a chance to save a screen capture of it, but last night espn.com had a pretty hilarious little blurb up about bonds on its front page. it said (not word for word, but this was the main idea):

Barry Bonds has a knack for hitting big home runs at home. Will this be the week he breaks Hank Aaron's record? The Giants open a 3 game series with the Braves at AT&T Park tonight!

i love the use of the figure of speech "[he] has a knack for" right there. oh, really? you're proposing that he just might hit numbers 755 and 756 at home (as he hit numbers 600, 660, 661, and 715), because that just seems like "something he would do?" i mean, yeah, if it happened that way, it would be a total coincidence. you know, i personally think they should sit him out this homestand and let him hit those on the road. i'm sure the fans in whatever stadium he happens to do it in would appreciate the achievement just as much as those in san fran. seriously, what a stupidass teaser. "hey, watch our network this week! the giants are playing at home, and you know how that barry bonds is! he just HAPPENS to hit milestone home runs at home, for some reason!" screw you espn.

this is not as bad, but in the same vein as the time earlier this season when they showed a graphic pointing out the interesting "coincidence" that all of the walkoff home runs mariano riveria has given up in his career have come on the road. really? you mean he's never given one up at yankee stadium, before his team gets a chance to bat in the bottom of the 9th? baseball's just a crazy game like that i guess.

marty burns has been paying too much attention to what we write

not to be outdone by new fjm fan jeff pearlman, (that is the first and only time i will namedrop him... but yes, oh yes, jeff pearlman does indeed read this site) cnnsi.com's nba writer marty burns has quickly jumped on the firejaymariotti bandwagon. considering that one of our favorite complaints to make here is that sportswriters constantly write bombastic, outrageous, and completely over-the-top nonsense, how else would you explain this comically un-controversial and painfully non-analytical nba draft lottery piece?

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/marty_burns/05/22/lottery/index.html

Little luck goes a long way

Chance to draft Oden just part of lottery's high stakes

you mean oden isnt the only player out there teams might be interested in drafting? who the hell is writing these headlines? do they know anything about basketball? based on all the college basketball i watched this past winter, i would say greg oden is the one and only player available who can help a team next year. i guess i didnt watch any foreign basketball, so there could be decent guys available from overseas... but i doubt it.

Forget the playoffs. For fans of the Grizzlies, Celtics, Bucks, Hawks and most of the other NBA also-rans, the moment they have been waiting for since the end of the regular season has finally arrived.

The NBA will hold its annual draft lottery at 8:30 EST Tuesday night, and this year's event is one of the most anticipated in years.

This time we're not talking about a Bogut, Bargnani or (Kwame) Brown.

This time we're talking about a No. 1 pick who can really make a difference --if the scouts are right about Ohio State's Greg Oden and Texas' Kevin Durant.

"the scouts" ranted and raved about bogut, bargnani, and brown and how they would "really make a difference" if "they" were right. "they" do that about at least one guy every single year. i know its all relative, and that oden and durant are regarded as much better prospects than any of those 3 guys. but to pretend like this is the first draft in years with a potential "real difference maker" is silly.

"We've got two players who stand head and shoulders above the others," said Grizzlies president Jerry West, whose team will have the best chance of landing the top pick. "It could be a franchise-altering experience."

starting with 2005 and moving backwards, heres the names of two players drafted in each of the previous 10 years: deron williams/chris paul; dwight howard/andre igoudala; lebron james/carmelo anthony; yao ming/amare stoudemire; joe johnson/zach randolph; mike miller/quinten richardson (ok so 2000 sucked, but stay with me); shawn marion/ron artest; dirk nowitzki/paul pierce; tim duncan/tracy mcgrady; allen iverson/kobe bryant. boy, i dont know jerry... are you sure you want to go out on a limb and say that the draft could be a franchise altering experience for a couple teams? lets not go too bonkers here. this "well i think something will happen maybe" quote sets the tone nicely for the rest of the article, however.

"It's a big day for all the teams involved," said Celtics general manager Chris Wallace, whose team has the second-best chance. "I think this draft is deep enough that there will be quality players beyond Oden and Durant. But there's no question those guys are potential high-impact players."

its a big day... there are many good players available... oden and durant are really really good. wow. chris and jerry have been taking crazy pills together i guess.

im skipping over some blah stuff about how the lottery works. then this totally WACKY observation:

The good news for the Grizzlies and Celtics, of course, is that this year there are two players deemed worthy of the No. 1 spot. So finishing runner-up this time around won't be so bad.

yeah, you think that would be ok? you think those teams (notably the celtics, who have the second worst record in the league and thus "should" end up with the 2nd pick) wouldnt think it was bad to have the 2nd pick? that they would shrug their shoulders and say "yeah, i guess we'll take it?" im not going to put up a list of guys taken with the second overall pick. needless to say, many of them became awesome basketball players.

Here's a look at teams that have the most at stake in Tuesday's drawing:

as youll see, this sentence should have read "here's a look at teams that have the most at stake in tuesday's drawing, and some atrociously obvious commentary about what they want to have happen in the lottery."

Grizzlies: As long as they get one of the first two picks, they will be happy.

i dont know, ive heard some analysts say theyll be happy if and ONLY if they get the 4th pick.

Despite their abysmal season, they have a talented core in Pau Gasol, Mike Miller and Rudy Gay. The addition of Oden or Durant could give them a huge boost.

i dont really think so. i mean, oden and durant are two great basketball players, but how are they going to help the grizzlies? by playing basketball for them? yeah, right, thatll be the day.

It also could influence their search for a GM and coach. Larry Brown reportedly is waiting to see the results of the lottery before deciding whether he'd be interested in serving one or both of those roles in Memphis.

this part is fine. although at this point im not sure how much anyone should want larry brown coaching their team; he seems to be at the point of his coaching career where hell give up and mail in the rest of the season as soon as his team loses more than 1 in a row. whatever. moving on.

Celtics: Like the Grizzlies, they would be content with either Oden or Durant.

like the grizzlies, they will be happy if they get one of the two most highly touted players available in the draft in 4 years. to me, this is pure insanity- what are they thinking?

Oden's game, with his unselfishness and shot-blocking, is reminiscent of Bill Russell.

youre only saying this because this is a celtics blurb. although, to be fair, oden kind of looks like a 45 year old version of russell.

Durant would fit nicely alongside Paul Pierce and Al Jefferson.

again, how crazy an idea is this? such foolhardy analysis. someone get this guy a valium and calm him down.

Either way, landing one of these two picks will probably determine embattled front-office boss Danny Ainge's fate.

if danny ainge gets fired because his team gets unlucky in the lottery, i will laugh a lot. mostly because i hate boston sports teams, but also because that is dumb.

Hawks: They get to keep their pick only if they can move up into the top three. Otherwise it goes to the Suns as part of the '05 Joe Johnson trade (Phoenix would get Atlanta's '08 pick if the Hawks do get to keep it this year). Atlanta is in line to get the Pacers' pick (part of the Al Harrington trade), but only if it stays outside the top 10. If the Pacers get lucky and move up, the sad-sack Hawks could come away empty-handed.

any analysis about how this will affect their offseason personell moves? anything else to say here, burns? this is like a weatherman saying "if it rains, stuff will get wet." somehow he got even less aggressive with his analysis than he previously had been in the article... amazing.

Bulls: They own New York's pick, ninth overall based on records, because of the '05 Eddy Curry trade. Coming off a trip to the Eastern Conference semifinals, they could vault into title contention next season if they could somehow land Oden or Durant.

they looked somewhat flat against detriot in that series, but still forced it to 6 games after being down 3-0 (and very nearly won that game to force a game 7). detriot is most certainly a title contender whos about to steamroll cleveland and probably give san antonio all they can handle in the finals. so in burns' words: the bulls could become a title contender if their already extremely talented team brings in another extremely talented player. wow. this is like saying the new york mets can "vault into title contention" this summer if they make a midseason trade for a great pitcher.

Interesting side note: Chicago would be holding the No. 6 spot right now were it not for a last-second Knicks victory over the Bobcats in the final game of the regular season. The New York player who scored on a tip-in at the horn to win the game (and drop the Bulls three spots in the standings): Curry.

ill admit, that is kind of interesting. reading that led to the first time my brain has done anything since i started reading this column.

Suns: They won't be represented at the NBA TV studios in Secaucus, N.J., but they will be watching closely. Phoenix not only could snare Atlanta's pick, likely to fall between 4-6, but they also have the No. 24 pick (via Cleveland) and its own No. 29 selection. With three first-round picks, one potentially very high, the Suns could be an active player on the trade front. If Phoenix were to decide to retool by dealing Shawn Marion or Amaré Stoudemire, as rumored, those picks could be key pieces in a blockbuster deal.

the picks could possibly, maybe be part of a deal? you mean to say a team with a fantastically talented 7-deep rotation, which is also nearing the end of a window in which winning a title is a legitimate possibility (as nash enters his mid 30s), DOESNT want 3 rookies on their team? when two of them would be late 1st rounders? this is less obvious than "the celtics and grizzlies would both love either oden or durant." but still, this is the kind of analysis id expect from the clueless sports reporter on a phoenix local news station; not someone on a major national sports website.

im skipping over the blurbs for the sonics, bucks and timberwolves. needless to say they were all packed with the analytical equivalent of lettuce. the highlights: the sonics would like to resign rashard lewis, the bucks' fans should tune in because they might get a high pick, and kevin garnett probably feels better about the t-wolves' chances next year since theyll be drafting in the top 10. wow.

clearly, marty burns is listening to the gospel we preach here on fjm. we encourage writers to scale things back, not be so ridiculous, and put some simple analysis into their articles. unfortunately this article is a case of overcompensation to that effect. i know i sound impossible to please sometimes, but i promise its not that difficult. just write something that isnt full of garbage, but also tells even the most casual fan something they havent known for months. please.

Also in the "Duh" Column

Packers Better Off Without Favre by Adam Schein

No shit? Could have fooled me. Let's see what this guy has to say.

So now Brett Favre says he never wanted to be traded and he wants to be a Packer forever. To quote the immortal Derrick Coleman, "Whoop-de-damn-do."

The Packers should still think long and hard about letting him go.

The Packers should still think long and hard about letting him go? Does this seem ridiculous to anyone else? Isn't that what teams do? Consider personnell decisions with aging veterans? I seem to remember San Francisco letting Joe Montana skip town, and Favre's only got half the rings. Only difference is Steve Young ain't waiting in the wings in "Titletown." But this guy thinks it's his duty to spread the message to the "clueless" Packers front brass:

"Brett Favre is not as good as he was and his offseason issues are a distraction."

I can imagine the phone conversation Schein has in mind:

"Hey, is this Ted Thompson?"
"Yes. This is Ted Thompson."
"Ted, it's Adam Schein. Of FoxSports. I was just calling to inform you that Favre's offseason issues are a distraction and that it might be time to think about letting him go."
".........."

But anyway:

"I was frustrated a couple weeks back when Randy Moss was traded to New England, I never wanted to be traded and I don't want to be traded. I want to be in Green Bay. I want to finish my career as a Packer."

My response remains the same: the Packers need to seriously consider making this move and get the wheels in motion to put the Favre era — no matter how successful it was — in the past.

Observe how this works: Schein publishes Brett Favre's reasonable response to an apparently erroneous report that he demanded a trade (scooped by a fellow FoxSports employee no less). He gives a detailed response which ends in an affirmation that he, unlike most players in the NFL, is actually HAPPY to play and live (for the most part) in butt-fucking Egypt. Does Schein address this quote at all?

Of course not. Like a stubborn child he falls back to his playground mantra. I want to also reiterate that everyone in this country, and more relevantly everyone in Green Bay probably understands that the Favre era is coming to an end. He had a solid 2006 campaign, but it's clear that he no longer has the ability to force big plays. Many of the unlikely passes he was completing in his heyday seasons are turning into incompletions and interceptions these days. Everyone who watches football knows this.

Of course, when an era ends, a new one must begin. In the NFL this generally means Favre's era will be replaced by that of a new quarterback. Things do not look bright QB-wise in GB. Aaron Rodgers waits underwhelmingly in the wings and the free agent and trade market only offers overpriced veterans on the downslope of their career or failed prospects looking for a new system. A Drew Brees really only comes along once in a blue moon. So what does Schein suggest?

It's time to forget the supposed public relations nightmare. It's time to hold Favre to the same standards as every other player on the team.

Favre continuously popping off on management about not surrounding him with adequate talent, indirectly ripping his teammates, is a distraction and a detriment. So are the constant questions about his eventual retirement.

But Favre's frustrations — not to mention his very public venting of them — should be the last straw. This latest furor comes just days after Favre sounded off on Ted Thompson and Green Bay management on Saturday at his golf tournament in Mississippi. Favre was having daydreams about throwing to Moss, Donald Driver and Greg Jennings. And his tone and word choice indicated he was livid about management getting outbid by the Patriots. New England gave up a fourth-rounder; Thompson offered a fifth-rounder. Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy confessed last week to us that the Packers did want Moss and were in the bidding until the end.

What's that you say? He doesn't have any suggestions? Just invective against Favre? Really, when there's no other option that Favre (who is still at least a proven QB with the potential to have an excellent season) shouldn't management err on the side of showing respect to the face of their franchise for the better part of two decades? To the guy who has repeatedly taken paycuts in order to accomodate his team's financial needs? To the guy who has become a hero to a number of its team's fans? I'm not saying this is a necessary order of business for every team in the NFL, but for Christ's sake, when your other options are, like, Aaron Rodgers and Tim Couch and Jeff Garcia and Kelly Holcumb and maybe Trent Green, shouldn't you err on the side of good publicity and fan relations?

No, Schein says, and here's why:

You can't blame them for not wanting to overpay for a receiver with a bad attitude.

I applaud Ted Thompson for that.

Here's the thing, Schein: the Packers were willing to pay a fifth round pick for Moss but not the fourth round pick the Patriots were inevitably willing to offer. Now, you can say what you want about Moss's character and what he adds or subtracts from a team. But Ted Thompson wasn't concerned with that. He was concerned with the difference between a 4th round pick and a 5th round pick. Are you kidding me?

Drafts are clearly based on potential. Do you mean to tell me that Moss doesn't at least have the potential, not even OF a 4th round pick (which I'd say he has in spades) but OF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FOURTH ROUND PICK AND A FIFTH ROUND PICK? If I were Favre I'd be fucking pissed too at this utter and total fuckup.

The Packers, if you haven't been paying attention, are in the middle of a retooling/rebuilding mode.

Except: SORT OF. The Packers went 8-8 this past year and nearly made the playoffs. Anything can happen in the playoffs, especially with a player like Favre. They continue to improve on defense, and had they gotten Moss this offseason, would have been far from a longshot to make the playoffs this year.

Honestly, I don't have the strength to go through this entire article, because it's full of claims like "It's time to give Aaron Rodgers a chance," and "The Packers won't make the playoffs with Favre next year."

And my favorite:

It was difficult to ever imagine Joe Montana in another uniform. The Niner icon became a Chief at the end of his career. He is still viewed as a legendary member of the San Francisco organization. It didn't mar his career or change how revered he is in the Bay Area. For that matter, finishing his Hall-of-Fame career with the Rams didn't diminish what Joe Namath accomplished as Jet.

It was unfathomable to imagine Pedro Martinez leaving Red Sox nation after delivering a World Series to a fan base that has the same passion as Packers fans. It happened. Sox fans were livid. It turned out to be the best thing for everyone.

How many ways is this wrong, fellas? Like I said earlier Joe Montana was expendable because the 9ers had a HOF quarterback waiting in the wings, a QB that had already shown in injury time that he was more than capable of handling the West Coast offense. Rodgers has shown the exact opposite...and he was playing in garbage time!

The Pedro Martinez argument is absolutely ridiculous. Five pitchers make up a rotation. Not one. The Red Sox immediately replaced Martinez with a combination of young (Clement) and veteran (Wells) pitchers. Not ONE former prospect who has shown no ability to play at the pro level (i.e. Aaron Rodgers).

How many times are we going to see this same old tired, sanctimonious crap that presents nothing new and wallows in ignorance and foolish "gut" solutions?

My guess is about 50 more times this month.