Rick Reilly gets OHsofuckingclose to writing a good article; ruins it in the last five sentences

Been working on a post about Jonah Keri's MLB trade value rankings, but it's not done, so I thought I'd share this tonight.  Holy ballsack, there is no way Rick Reilly wrote the first 95% of this.  You can bet your bottom dollar he wrote the last 5% though--particularly the last sentence.  You'll see.  Most of this is so inoffensive (and at times, even dryly funny) that I can present it with very minimal comment.  The subject matter: while HOF voters are taking idiotic (and often completely unfounded; Bagwell, Biggio, and more to come) stances regarding players who are allegedly tied to PEDs, the expansion era committee voters happily sent in three managers who managed several of STEROID HISTORY'S GREATEST MONSTERS for extended periods of time.  Although the two voting bodies consist of different people, that's fucking dumb, no?

I'm so pumped up for next July in Cooperstown!

I can't wait to see who's going to be in the crowd at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony for new members Tony La Russa, Bobby Cox and Joe Torre.

Maybe Mark McGwire will show up? It might be as close as he'll ever get. La Russa managed him for 15 seasons in both Oakland and St. Louis and says he never saw McGwire do a single steroid. Imagine that.

Simple unadorned sarcasm that doesn't have a cringe-inducing pun or play on words.  Like I said, if you're like me, you'll have a hard time believing Rick wrote this.

Maybe Alex Rodriguez will attend? He probably won't get in, either. Former New York Yankees skipper Torre says he didn't even notice A-Roid's alleged PED use in the four years he managed him. A-Roid's got plenty of time to go to Cooperstown. He's appealing a 211-game suspension for PEDs. Torre? No ban for him. In fact, he's an executive vice president of Major League Baseball now.

Maybe former Atlanta Braves manager Cox will look out in the crowd to see his old star Gary Sheffield. Probably not. Cox says he never saw all the PEDs Sheffield was taking when he had him right under his nose in the Atlanta clubhouse.

To be fair, Cox was probably legally blind by the mid 90s.

In all, the three managers being inducted oversaw at least 34 players who've been implicated as PED users and never noticed a thing wrong.

Now this isn't entirely fair.  It's not like any of these managers have (to my knowledge) gone on record and swore that they never once ever suspected any of their players ever took any steroids ever ever cross my heart and hope to die on a stack of Bibles.  But the general point here is 100% fair--the national media and a good chunk of baseball's fanbase have spent the last 15 years getting preachy and angry about steroid use.  It's escalated during the course of the last 5 or so years to a fever pitch.  It's probably not going away anytime soon.  So given that the role of a manager is to know his players inside and out so he can put them in the best possible position to succeed on the field, how is there zero outrage directed at these guys?  I'm not saying that steroidmongers should treat managers exactly the same as they treat players.  I'm saying, given that there are dozens of writers and hundreds of thousands of fans bursting with moral indignation at the idea of guys like Clemens and Bonds getting into the HOF, why hasn't there been ANY discussion at all on the national level about the role managers played in enabling steroid use?

Sorry.  Rick, you're doing a good job.  Back to you.

You could build a wing with the admitted and suspected drug cheats they won with: A-Rod, Roger Clemens (Torre), Jason Giambi (Torre and La Russa), McGwire, Jose Canseco (La Russa), Melky Cabrera (Torre and Cox), David Justice (Torre and Cox), Andy Pettite (Torre), Manny Ramirez (Torre with the Dodgers) and Sheffield (Torre and Cox.)

What the fuck is Melky Cabrera doing with the rest of these guys?  Other than that, great point.

If we get really lucky, maybe disgraced HGH pitcher Darren Holmes will show up. He played under all three of them!

I'm sure Rick didn't do that research himself, but the fact that he thought to ask someone else to do it represents a level of effort miles beyond what he usually puts out.

It's just another year in the Hall of Farce, 

Dumb, but not as dumb as his usual "jokes."  I'm just thrilled he DIDN'T go with "Hall of Shame."

where the codes of conduct shift like beach sand; where the rules for one set of men are ignored for another; where PED poppers can never enter, but the men who turned their backs to the cheating get gleaming, bronze plaques.

Hail The Great Enablers!

Holy crap, it's a little melodramatic (it's not like the managers were buying the steroids for the players or anything), but wow, that's borderline good writing.

La Russa's slipping on the Hall of Fame jersey Monday is the sight that really tested my gag reflex. He did more for juicers than Jack LaLanne. 

A dated reference, to be sure, but again not nearly as dumb as his usual fare.  I expected a joke about Orange Julius or something.

He managed McGwire and Canseco -- the Wright Brothers of the Druggie Era -- for 21 combined seasons. He made millions on their pimpled backs, won his first World Series title on their syringes and built his 33-year managing career on their artificially carved biceps.

Under La Russa, the Oakland clubhouse became a kind of leather-upholstered showroom for creams, rubs and injections that allowed players to work out harder, recover quicker and attack the game like a wolf in a hen house. It didn't change much in St. Louis, either, where he says he didn't notice what McGwire, Troy Glaus, Fernando Vina and Ryan Franklin were doing.

Score another victory for Baseball's Best Fans, who trip over their dicks telling you about how their team always Plays The Game The Right Way.  I hope Will Leitch falls out of a hot air balloon.

He spent eight hours a day around these guys, eight months a year, and yet he never saw a thing. Maybe he dressed in a different clubhouse?

Who knows whether and how many of these players were openly using in the clubhouse, but the managers aren't idiots.  You know they knew.  Sorry to acknowledge Canseco, because the last thing he deserves (besides attention) is acknowledgement, but I pretty firmly believe him (and Ken Caminiti, and the rest of the long list of players who have said that everyone in baseball knew everyone was using).

But he goes into the HOF and those players never will. Maybe he can send them some Instagrams.

A pretty bad cultural reference without any meaningful context other than "this is one-uh them apps them kids like to use these days," but still, this is an A+ relative to everything Reilly has done since like 2004.

Hey, you think any of the three skips will mention how PEDS helped them get to that sunny afternoon in Cooperstown?

Oh, and I can't forget to thank Katalina at Tijuana Pharmacy for all her help. Like my players always said, "We can't get cut without Kat!"

You won't even have to be in Cooperstown to smell the hypocrisy. Even the faintest scent of a rumor of PED use is enough to sink a player now.

Managers? Odorless.

Take Houston Astros great Craig Biggio. He had more than enough career to get in, and even though there isn't a stitch of evidence against him, the writers have kept him out because they have a niggling hunch he might've used.

Again, the BBWAA is not responsible for the election of these managers, but the broader point is absolutely worth talking about.  Currently, the discussion about steroid use by subtopic is split up as follows: 90% players, 5% MLB itself, 5% owners.  Managers need a chunk of that pie.  A pretty big one.  (Obviously the owners and league could also stand to gain at least twenty percentage points as well.)

Remember, kids: If you play the game under even a single cloud of suspicion, you're out. Manage it under one? Come on in and pull up a plaque!

Can you imagine this in any other sport? Do you think for a second Johan Bruyneel, the manager of all of Lance Armstrong's cheating, champion Tour de France teams, didn't know what was going on? You figure Bonnie and Clyde's driver just thought they were always running late?

As I think I've made pretty clear around here, I dislike steroid users but do not hate them with the flaming passion of a thousand burning suns.  I especially dislike guys like Bonds and Clemens, who were gigantic assholes in addition to using steroids, but what are you gonna do?  They were great players, as were McGwire, Sosa, Palmeiro, etc.  I don't want to be in the business of being the morality police and punishing players for conduct that wasn't against the rules when they were doing it.  I also don't want to be in the business of deciding who would or would not have gotten in anyways absent steroid use.  And I sure as fucking fuck especially don't want to be in the business of deciding whether a guy who's never been formally connected to steroids "looked like a user," or some horrendous garbage like that.  

So you know what?  If I were voting, I'd pretty much just vote without factoring it in.  That might allow for the admission of a guy like McGwire or Sosa who may not have made it in without roids, but that's a far lesser evil in my mind than the exclusion of guys like Bagwell or Biggio.  I don't like steroid use, but Jesus, can we please unbundle the national panties?  It happened.  There are now good measures in place to curb its use.  Anyways, this has been a great and thoughtful article by Rick, and I'm happy to see what he may be in the process of turning over a new leaf, so why don't we---

Next month, the writers are expected to vote down McGwire for the eighth time and Clemens for the second time. 

Oh no.  Rick, please don't.  Please stop while you're ahead.  We don't need to delve into this.  You've done a great job here--

They're right to do it. 

Noooooooooooooooo.  Even if you disagree with my steroids stance and agree with his, I hope you can agree that he didn't need to go into this.  The article would have been just fine without it.

Those guys are tainted beyond any reasonable doubt, though Clemens still maintains innocence. But for the expansion error 

Rick, please!  That's the kind of joke we're used to seeing from you!  The wheels are coming off!

committee to let these three managers in -- unanimously, no less -- after winning hundreds of games with better chemistry is the gold standard of double standards.

Jesus.  That's so disappointing.  Just please don't finish with one of your signature horrendous one liners--

If you believe they didn't know, then you'll fit perfectly in Dupers Town.

And the collapse is complete.  Jean van de Velde, Rick.  Rick, Jean van de Velde.

This Blog Was Founded on Statistical Ignorance, Dammit!

The label "statistical ignorance" is the ninth-most-used label on this blog, but only two of its 46 uses are after 2009.  I long for the good old days when our posts were often smarmily pointing out numerical fallacies in baseball analysis and not just Larry B bitching about pop sportswriters who write about movies and shit. But now that I'm out of the regular job world and into the grad student life, maybe I will find some time to bring "statistical ignorance" back.  Or maybe I'll just sit back and watch Larry wage his war against The Sports Guy.  

Anyways, I somehow ended up on this article: "5 Reasons Steroids Were Never the Real Problem in Baseball", by someone named Adam Tod Brown, and read it.  The whole article isn't really very interesting; it takes some sensible and some foolish angles on steroids, but overall it's nothing new.  But there was one spectacular goof, which I had to post about:

#3. Pitcher Is the Position With the Most Performance-Enhancing-Drug Suspensions

It's also important to note that of the 43 players suspended for using performance-enhancing drugs since 2005, 15 of them were pitchers. The next closest position was outfielder with 13, but that blanket term actually covers three positions on the field (left, right, and center fielder), so even then it's not really as close as it seems.

Oh!  Thanks for pointing out that outfield is a blanket term that actually covers three positions on the field!  It's a good thing you cleared that up, Mr. Brown.  But now that you mention it, gosh, maybe pitcher is the position with the most performance-enhancing drug suspension because pitcher is the position with the most players.  

In fact, the 35% pitcher ratio of pitchers suspendees to overall suspendees is actually lower than one might expect.  I'm too lazy to figure out exactly what percentage of MLB players are pitchers, but if you figure most teams carry 11 or so pitchers out of 25 roster slots, you'd expect a roughly 44% ratio.  Now this is hardly a large sample, and who knows how many cheaters evaded the testing... but this is the kind of article that suggests Adam Tod Brown needs to be beaten with a sock full of quarters.

Let's just pretend nobody has played any baseball for the last twenty years

So I read some more Plaschke just to enjoy the stupid.  This article was written just after the Ryan Braun announcement.  Most of it is gloomy and boring complaining about how clean players are getting lumped in with the dirty and are getting punished like the people in Sodom who weren't... being bad. If only human beings had figured out a way to set up a perfect system of justice by now!  It's only been thousands of years!
The whole article isn't worth discussing, but the last two paragraphs have a noteworthy amount of stupid:

Kemp did have the right idea Tuesday when he said that he thought Braun's MVP award should be stripped. If the Heisman folks can take away Reggie Bush's trophy for a rules infraction that did not involve his performance, why can't baseball do the same for a player whose infraction was only about his performance?

Because baseball players have the most powerful union in sports and the owners can't just do whatever the heck they want to.  Also, the commissioner doesn't even award the trophy: the BBWAA does.  Good lord, you'd think that Bill would know that, given that he's a MEMBER (albeit non-voting, per Wikipedia).  

On the other hand, college athletes are not unionized and generally have the least amount of power of any athlete around.  In the case of college football the relative power of the players in their economic and legal world is tiny. I think that coaches, ADs and university administrators are actually allowed to poop on those athletes and they are required to enjoy it.

How can the nation's second-largest metropolitan paper employ a senior sportswriter who doesn't seem to realize this?

Heck, strip all the awards of all the juicers. Just don't give another one to anyone, lest you have to eventually strip it again. 

What a good plan.  Let's just pretend no baseball was even played after 1995.  La la la la it's all to hard to think about it so let's just call it all off.

You know, it's not pleasant, but the only way through this steroid foolishness is to investigate the investigable, punish the provable, and use our common-sense judgment for the rest. It's not as easy as it would be if we simply ignored it, or if we went on a mad witch-hunt against it... but it's really the only way forward.  Now that the baseball players' union is coming around to stricter punishments, we may indeed be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of PED stuff.  If the players themselves are on board with a cleaner game, change will happen.

No offense to my editors, but they should have structured the top of that chart to resemble a baseball clubhouse's credibility when it comes to drug cheats. They should have left it empty.

Bill is referencing a chart his editors made, which replaced award winners of known or strongly suspected cheaters with the 2nd place finishers.  We've heard it all before.  I like how he asks his editors for pardon for his bold suggestion.  Pretty lofty of Bill to be polite when he suggests something stupid.  

The worst part about these suggestions is that the writers implicitly don't think the fans are smart enough to consider the context of any numbers.  I'm kind of insulted.  Decent baseball fans have always been able to have sensible discussions about fluctuations in baseball statistics - any fan can look at the years 1930 and 1968 and evaluate a hitter's performance within the diametrically opposed offensive environments. Bill doesn't seem to think so. But trusting in the general wisdom of the public to judge wisely in the long run doesn't make for hits on his columns today.

Look, you can think what you like about Ryan Braun

But no matter how much you hate him and are happy to see him take one right to the face from MLB, if you are a person with a brain, you will agree that this:

It would be a good move for Braun to reach out to ARI players who were on the team he hammered in the '11 postseason. Some feel cheated.
— Buster Olney (@Buster_ESPN) July 22, 2013

Is the stupidest fucking thing ever written in the English language.

That is all I have to say about this, other than WHEN IS MANNY RAMIREZ GOING TO REACH OUT AND APOLOGIZE TO THE 2004 CARDINALS?????????????????????

Simmons tries to pretend like he never had a silver spoon in his mouth; some asshole dives into the deepest part of the deep end re: steroids

Whew, writing that title was a lot of work.  Not sure how much energy I've got left for the post.  Tonight I found two short articles worth bitching about, so I'll write about both.  You're welcome.  But wait!  Bonus item (thanks to tips in the comments to the last post), before I get to the Simmons article:

is this the greatest sporting event of 2013 (so far)? They just went end to end for 34 OT minutes. This is amazing.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) June 6, 2013

In fact, no!  No it is not.  It did involve DA FACKIN' BROONS though, so Bill needed to check in with his Tweeps to see if everyone else was as impressed as he was.  He probably has a yearly Google calendar alert that pops up on June 1 that says something like "Check to see if Bruins are still in playoffs; if yes, follow them, if not, Tweet about disappointing recent lack of success and strain it puts on fanbase."   Now for the article.  Don't worry, it's not recent; Grantland, realizing that there is an insatiable demand for Simmons articles from fuckwits nationwide, but having to cope with the reality that he only writes about one per month, has decided to start posting old articles.  This one comes from the summer of 2005, just as he was completing his transition from "Bad writer who is still sometimes a little entertaining and occasionally makes you feel sorry for Boston fans" to "Bad writer who is also an insufferable piece of shit."

Outside the Boston Garden before Game 7 of the '84 NBA Finals, scalpers were getting upwards of $2,000 per ticket. Since we were fortunate enough to own midcourt seats, I remember my father perking up as we heard the numbers being tossed around on Causeway Street. Four grand for our seats? He could barely afford season tickets as it was. 

Yeah fucking right.  Get the fuck out of here.  You went to some fancy fuck New England prep school before attending Holy Cross.  I'm real sure your dad was combing the couch cushions to find the loose change needed for those GAHHHHHDEN seats.  That obviously fabricated last line speaks to my contention above: this is a transparent case of Simmons saying "This anecdote about the incredible cost of scalped game 7 tickets is interesting and needs to be in the column... but I'd better not make too much of a show out of the fact that my dad had expensive season tickets!  How can I accomplish that?  I guess I could always just lie.  Done and done."

Did he ever really consider it? Of course not. 

We were huge Celtics fans and didn't need the money!  Why would we have?

As basketball fans, we knew Game 7 of an NBA Finals was the ultimate experience.

Yep, he was a shitty writer back then too.

You can't possibly imagine the level of intensity, the overpowering electricity in the building, how it keeps going higher and higher.

Unless you've sat at midcourt for a game 7, that is!  In that case, you'll be able to imagine it perfectly, because like me, your dad had season tickets.

Rarely are these games well played – there's too much pressure, too much energy.

I like the unintentional foreshadowing of game 7 of the 2010 finals here. 6 FOR 24 LOLOLO LOLOLL OLO LOLOLL

I kept thinking about that game while the Spurs outlasted the Pistons on Thursday night. You never beat someone in a Game 7 to win the title. You outlast them. You persevere. You survive.

Other things you do: outscore them, and in doing so, beat them.

We'll remember them as one of the weaker championship teams in recent memory, 

He was obsessed with how the present will look in the future back then, too.  Also: eight years down the road, and I don't think that statement is true.  That Pistons team was the defending champs, and they were tough.  The Spurs quasi bookended that 2005 title with much more easily won titles in 2003 and 2007.  I wouldn't sell that 2005 team short at all.  The 2006 Heat?  That's one of the weaker championship teams in recent memory.  

a team that could be pushed around at times, a team whose quality players disappeared for entire games. They needed a miraculous effort from Big Shot Brob in Game 5 just to avoid an ignominious 3-4-5 sweep in Detroit. They couldn't close out the resilient Pistons in Game 6, which any of the better NBA champions in history would have done. Yet none of that stuff will matter 50 years from now. As Joe Theismann would say, championship teams win championships.

The fact that he quoted that as legitimate analysis rather than ridiculous bullshit to be laughed at tells you everything you need to know.

Lost in the shuffle were the defending champs, 

More shitty writing.  They were not lost in the shuffle.  They were one of the two teams on the court.  They won three of the seven games in the series.

who defended their title with the requisite amount of honor and integrity. 

Just like the 2008-2009 Celtics, when they outlasted a mediocre Bulls team and advanced to the second round!  What a fantastic title defense!

They carried championship belts like boxers, shouted "on and on and on" before games, always thrived with their backs to the wall. 

They were really good.  But America needs to know: were they as good as the Patriots?

Some kept comparing them to the Patriots, 

No one did that.

and their impeccable record in must-win games and closeouts put them in the general ballpark. But the Pats won 34 of their last 38 games and haven't lost at home since December 2002. The Pistons never dominated over a prolonged stretch like that;

Pick your jaw up off the floor--I know it's shocking, but Bill reached the conclusion that [team that doesn't play football] is not as FACKIN' DAWMINATING as the GREATRIOTS.  Fun fact: that Pistons/Spurs finals feels like a long time ago, but the Patriots have not won a Super Bowl since.  Warms my heart.

Enough of that. Moving on, some jabroni from ESPN named Steve Wulf has written the hand-wringiest steroid piece you will ever see.  For the most part I will present it without commentary, because for the most part it is absurd and embarrassing on its face without the need for explanation.

This is important. You must care. You need to stop enabling the cheaters the way we used to. You have to root, root, root just as hard for the game itself as you do for the players.

Players have been cheating in one way or another for 125 years.  Somehow, some way, the game seems to be doing fine.

Yell, don't yawn. A new generation of players is playing us for suckers, just as Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro and Roger Clemens did. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, A-Rod, shame on me. Whether it be on the blogosphere, or in Twitterville, 

Use of "Twitterville" is a good way to out yourself as old, out of touch, unfunny, and probably not worth listening to when it comes to sports analysis.

or over sports radio, the vox populi seems to want the latest revelations to go away. Funny that some of the same people who criticized Major League Baseball 10 years ago for not doing anything about the steroid epidemic are now blasting the commissioner for trying to prevent a relapse. 

Who is saying that?

The illegal use of PEDs strikes at the belief in the game. If you can't trust a player's numbers, you can't really trust the score.

The next person to quantify the effect steroids has on a player's numbers, and furthermore, what the overall effect is when both pitchers and hitters are juicing, will be the first.  I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I'm saying it's not worth shitting ourselves over.  And in any case, that's a dumb leap of logic--I have no trouble "trusting the score" even if guys like Braun and Rodriguez are juicing.  Every team probably has guys who are juicing. They're all probably playing a little better than they would if they weren't juicing.  That means that even if one did want to avoid trusting the numbers, they should still be OK with trusting the score.  The baseball universe has yet to collapse in on itself as a result of any of this.

Does anybody have the nerve to ask this: Should the Yankees even count the past two of their 27 championships, the ones they won with Clemens (2000) and Alex Rodriguez (2009)?

I'm sure the 2000 Mets and 2009 Phillies were squeaky clean.  That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.

Taking steroids or HGH or any other illegal substance is not a victimless crime. Even if the players don't care about the side effects of their elixirs, baseball does have a responsibility to the young athletes who would emulate those regimens.

Cue up Helen Lovejoy.  Holy shitballs.  While "preventing kids from taking steroids" is a perfectly reasonable thing for society to want, trying to connect it to MLB in this way is embarrassing.  The answers to steroid problems among high schoolers are increased awareness of the dangers of steroids, increased parental involvement in the lives of high schoolers, and increased efforts to shut down steroid suppliers on the law enforcement end.  Not among those answers: wagging one's finger at MLB.

The financial investment we put into being fans is nothing compared to the emotional investment. Remember that wonderful moment when Mark McGwire passed Roger Maris, hugged his own son and then met with the Maris family? Feels kind of cheesy now, doesn't it?

It was always cheesy.  Watching McGwire hit the ball all over the place was cool because few guys could do it like he did it.  It was not cool because he hugged his son at home plate.  If you watch sports and glean more than a small sliver of your enjoyment of them from the emotional storybook moments like McGwire meeting Maris's family, you're wasting your time.  Just watch something else.  And anyone who thought McGwire got to 70 without any extra supplements was miles out of the loop.

It's just plain wrong. Yeah, Gaylord Perry threw a spitball, and Ty Cobb sharpened his spikes, and King Kelly used to take a shortcut from first to third. But the use of clearly prohibited banned substances is cheating of a much more profound nature.

And why is that?  Go ahead, I'll hang up and wait for your answer.

The decision encompasses at least five of the Seven Deadly Sins: pride, envy, greed, gluttony, sloth. (Lust and wrath may be in there, too.)

Ah yes, the Bible.  That's why steroids are evil.  Thank you and please step down from the pulpit.

Scott Miller attempts to defend BBWAA, makes zero salient points, makes BBWAA look exactly as idiotic as it is

This whole HOF thing is just fucking infuriating.  I can't describe it any more creatively than that.  I've spent hours discussing it with various other internet loser nerds the past couple days, but this relatively short post will probably be the only one I write about the subject.  It's just... too... fucking... infuriating.

Outrage?

I'll tell you what's an outrage: 

Distraction?  I'll give you a distraction from my colleagues' idiocy that I wish you would focus on rather than focusing on them:

That 20 members of the Baseball Writers Association of America did not vote for Ted Williams in 1966 (out of 302 ballots). That 11 whack-jobs decided Babe Ruth was not worthy of their votes in 1936 (226 ballots). That, somehow, 36 writers bypassed Jackie Robinson in 1962 (160 ballots).

Can you believe baseball writers have been retarded jackasses for decades?  It's true!  Now let's just agree that because 5% of voters didn't cast ballots for Babe Ruth 75 years ago, what just happened during this election is totally acceptable.

That the first strong wave of the Steroid Era washed back out to sea Wednesday without anyone establishing a beachhead on the shores of Cooperstown is not an outrage.

If that were the only thing that happened, it would sort of be kind of acceptable.  Instead, guys like Time Raines and Mike Piazza and Edgar Martinez and Curt Schilling and Craig Biggio are not in the HOF yet, when they absolutely should be.

It is to be applauded on many fronts (Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa). 

You know, if there's one thing baseball writers just don't do enough of, it's applauding themselves.  Good for Scott for taking some him time and giving himself the pat on the back he doesn't at all deserve.

It is to be constructively criticized on others (Craig Biggio, Jack Morris, Tim Raines).

Jack Morris doesn't belong in the HOF unless he buys a ticket.  As for the other two guys, and plenty of others on the ballot, you are sadly fucking mistaken if you think the BBWAA deserves some "constructive criticism" for freezing them out.  They deserve a "swift ball-kicking."

But what it is not is a disaster, or catastrophe, or the coming of the apocalypse.

It certainly isn't, and of course it's just sports, blah blah blah, but it's awfully fucking disingenuous to tell readers "Hey don't get all worked up about these HOF omissions!" when a good chunk of the BBWAA spent the last several months getting plenty worked up about the candidates (and telling the public about how worked up they were).

Hall of Fame voting throughout history has been messy, imperfect and, often, contentious. But one thing the test of time has proven, unequivocally, is that the process works. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH

Spoken like that awesome BCS Twitter feed that they introduced to try to squash momentum in favor of a playoff. "Hey just a reminder, under our system #1 and #2 always play each other!" "Hey, just a reminder, most players who deserve to be in the HOF eventually end up there!"  Clearly, in each case, there is no better way to do things.

Not only does it work, it works better in baseball than it does for any other Hall of Fame in any other sport.

Again, how about some distractions?  The football HOF is a total joke.  At least we're not them.  Now leave us be.

If Tuesday's voting was circumspect, far better that than rushing ahead recklessly. 

No.  Not far better, or better in any way.  You're holding out on a bunch of guys who have never been linked to steroids and who don't even have stats that suggest steroid use, so that you can posture and grandstand about what awesome responsibilities you have.  You can all go get fucked by a hippo.  Guess what happens next year?  Maddux, Glavine and Thomas join the ballot.  And then there will be like 12 people on there who absolutely deserve to get in, no argument, and another 5 who arguably should get in, when writers can only vote for 10 guys and the vast majority of them vote for fewer.  Had guys like Biggio and Raines been rightfully elected this year, it would be less of a problem.  Not hard to figure out.

As Hall of Fame president Jeff Idelson said during the MLB Network telecast, given the number of decorated and controversial players on this bloated ballot, “this was one of the most talked about classes in history.”

And somehow this justifies electing none of the extremely well qualified candidates.

Tuesday's shutout is a setback to the joy and pageantry of the Hall's induction weekend in July 

SOMEONE THINK OF THE WRITERS AT THE CEREMONY!  IT WON'T BE AS FUN THIS YEAR AS IT USUALLY IS!

and, larger picture, it is a sad day for baseball. Ever since well-placed flashlights started revealing skeletons in the juicers' closets, there have been many sad days.

Oh my God.  Go fuck yourself.

But as the late Hall of Famer Sparky Anderson regularly reminded, the game is bigger than any one man. It flourished post-Ruth, flourished post-Stan Musial and Robinson and it will flourish post-juicers.

Barfbarfbarfbarfbarfbarfbarf

The last time the BBWAA failed to elect a player was in 1996. Yet from that class came six players who eventually were elected to the Hall of Fame.

And from this class should come, even for the mall hall people, at least seven players (Biggio, Bagwell, Piazza, Raines, Schilling, Clemens, Bonds) who are absolute locks and six more (Walker, Martinez, Trammell, the rest of the roiders) who probably should be in.

Again, a process.

Again, a sentence fragment that tries to justify something that is totally unjustifiable by relying on the mind-numbingly idiotic assertion that "these things take time."

Biggio's 68.2 percent topped a vote requiring 75 percent for election, leaving him well-positioned for the next year or two. Two years ago, for example, Roberto Alomar did not gain entry in his first year on the ballot, falling just short at 73.7 percent (another outrage). Then he jumped to 90 percent of the vote in his second year on the ballot.

This isn't even the thrust of this rant, it's for another time, but why?  Why?  Why did that happen?  Did like 70 voters decide to stop being dipshits during those two elections?

Everyone focus up for this part, I'm about to say something that will sound hyperbolic but I swear is not intended as such.

Major League Baseball issued a statement following the shutout that notes election to Cooperstown is “our game's most extraordinary individual honor” and reads, in part, “achieving enshrinement in Cooperstown is difficult, as it should be.”

That was much more on the mark than players' union boss Michael Weiner's reaction, calling the election “unfortunate, if not sad. Those empowered to help the Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum document the history of the game failed to recognize the contributions of several Hall of Fame worthy players.”

Wrong. What is unfortunate and sad is that the union, pre-Weiner, stonewalled every attempt at steroid testing for years. No small part of the reason we reached this point is because the union for far too long permitted and nourished an atmosphere in which its members who cheated flourished (both on the field and financially) as its members who stayed clean were put at a disadvantage.

OK, here we go.  "This is not hyperbole" disclaimer is in place.  This blog has existed for almost six years.  I have probably written something like 500 posts for it, and read a shitload of bad sportswriting in search of articles to post about.  

(/Larry B clears throat)  

This attempt by Miller to sweep MLB's tolerance, if not tacit approval of steroid use under the rug is probably the most dishonest thing I have ever seen in these 5+ years and 500 posts.  It would take time I do not have to go back and review all my old posts to see if any other articles I've read can match it, but I certainly can't come up with anything off the top of my head.  Pretending that it was the union and the union alone that prevented steroid testing from appearing sooner than it did is fuckheadery of the highest order.  Scott Miller is, in a few words, a tremendous asshole.  May he be fired immediately and never again heard from by baseball fans.  Chris W said this and I think it's a good way to end this post so I can go calm down: "Who harms the game more? Some guys using steroids in an environment who encouraged it? Or fringe non-players who turn the game into an adversarial me-fest so people pay attention to the sad little Chasses and Lupicas of the world?" Yup.

Make an immediate run for the Canadian border if Gregg Doyel is ever elected president

Bask in the glow of Gregg's mind-bogglingly stupid stance on how we should form public policy.

In the case of The United States v. Roger Clemens, the government thinks it's helping somebody. Not metaphorically or symbolically, but literally. The government thinks this is good. This is something we want.

No, the government thinks it's something the government wants, because the government really doesn't want people to perjure themselves in front of federal authorities.

This is helping.

Yes. A conviction will help, because the next time some asshole like Clemens is in front of Congress or a grand jury they'll be less inclined to be like GRRRRRR I AM ANGRY AND I LIKE LYING SO I WILL LIE NOW AND THEN I WILL THROW THIS PIECE OF A BROKEN BAT AT ORRIN HATCH BECAUSE HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

The government thinks this trial will remind everyone -- that's you, and that's me -- that lying under oath is wrong.

Assuming Clemens is found guilty or pleads to something, will it not? Will that result make you say "Nah, fuck it, I'm going to keep on perjuring myself anytime I get a chance. It's a fucking rush."

The government also thinks this trial will serve as a lesson for all you kids out there that steroids are bad. Don't take them, little Johnny Ballplayer. This is your reminder. That's what the government thinks.

Here's what I think about The United States v. Roger Clemens: I think the government's case is run by idiots.

Ohhhhh snap

This isn't a Tea Party rant about Big Government sticking its nose into our affairs. And this isn't a liberal plea for compassion toward Clemens, because he has been through so much already. No. This is neither of those.

I don't think you could find 10 people in the entire country with knowledge of the basic facts of this case who hold that "liberal" opinion.

This is steroid fatigue. That's all this is.

I see. The government's interest in showing people that lying to Congress will not be tolerated bores you. Hey everyone, Gregg is ready for something new- can we get some fresh news going on here? Can't the government just let this go and do something awesome like bomb the shit out of North Korea or give free money to everyone?

I'm tired of the whole issue, and I'm preaching to the choir because I know you're tired of it. And the irony doesn't elude me, because here I am complaining about steroid fatigue even as I slog through another set of steroid-story dumbbells.

I'm not tired of it. I want blood! Let's see this fucker get strung up! Eat a penis, Clemens. You're the worst.

Maybe I'm the dumbbell.

Yep.

Nah. The government is the dumbbell, because this is stupid.

No, you were right the first time. Also- what's with the government worrying about all this terrorism stuff? Ugh, it's been like 10 years. Can't they busy themselves with something else? Terrorism this terrorism that. BORING.

Christ. What a fucking asshole.

Leitch swings and misses again

I've actually enjoyed a few of Will Leitch's recent "team previews," particularly the one about the White Sox. However, this one about The Mariners, and more specifically, Ken Griffey Jr., is horrible.

Seattle Mariners: The Fake Tragedy Of Ken Griffey

Ken Griffey is almost assuredly, when he is elected to Cooperstown, going to have to hear about the fact that he didn't do steroids the rest of his life.

This is a terrible way to remember Griffey, and I suspect he hates being known as A Steroid Casualty even more than he hates that he played in an era where everyone else used steroids. (This is assuming, of course, that Griffey never used performance enhancing drugs, which is not something we should assume about anyone. But I digress.) This is Griffey's real curse: The brilliance of his playing career will always be overshadowed by the era he played in. His supposed halo will get in the way of anything he did on the field. Ken Griffey is damned.

1. Why is it so horrible to be remembered as the only power hitter of your era who didn't do steroids?

2. Anyone who remembers Griffey Jr. as anything other than an amazing hitter should stop following baseball.

It's in every story you read about him anymore. The most recent, and best, example is Jon Heyman's paen to Griffey's Veteran Influence at SI.com.

[Quotes Heyman]

I understand Heyman's (repeated, and repeated) point, which is the worst thing you could do for Griffey.

You're agreeing with John Heyman. Now that you've identified the problem, the next step is eliminating it.

There's going to be a sad sack cloud around Griffey throughout the rest of baseball history, because of a fundamental contradiction: For all the talk about how steroids supposedly besmirched the record book, people look at his numbers and, almost unconsciously say, "Oh, man, imagine what he would have done if he had used steroids!" If Griffey would have used PEDs, the way you're supposed to use PEDs — in moderation, to keep yourself healthy and on the field, rather than to massively bulk — he might have played enough to hit 800 homers. (Note: My math should probably be checked there.)

Your math is irrelevant because the overarching point of this article is completely asinine. Again, if you spend your days wondering what Griffey could've done with steroids: you're an asshole who should stop watching baseball.

Futhermore, the real "what if?" regarding Griffey that people who actually care about baseball should wonder is "what if Ken Griffey Jr. didn't miss so many games due to injury?" Per his 162 game average, he would've already hit 819 home runs already. That would've been a pretty big deal.

He is praised for this, but there's a tragic bent just under the surface. What those stories really say is, "If Griffey had used PEDs, and we never found out about it, we'd consider him the greatest player of all time." They secretly wish that were the case.

Way to take an opinion held by morons and make it sounds like a consensus, Will.

Griffey is as much a part of the steroid era as anybody else is. Putting him in the What Might Have Been category, it makes it implicit. That's not how Griffey will want to be remembered. But that's how he will be.

In sum:

Griffey's stats might have been better if he'd taken steroids, and as evidenced by a John Heyman article, that's all anyone will remember Griffey for. We find this to be a tragic.

Too Soon to Start Posting About Football? Clearly Not. Too Soon to Trivialize Hurricane Katrina's Impact? Probably

Pat Forde has a column out which focuses on NCAA football's 40 all-time greatest villains. It's interesting at parts; Brian Bosworth is #1, which is appropriate considering he was a once-in-a-generation overrated loudmouth roid-using dickwad. Whistle-blowing Phil Fulmer is on the list, as are Ty Willingham (for singlehandedly destroying two very proud programs) and Nick Saban (for being a complete waste of skin who should be shot into deep space). There are also a lot of guys on there who weren't bad people, just guys who broke other teams' hearts with great plays like Matt Davison and Lindsay Scott. Blah blah blah. Then there's this:

38. Kellen Winslow -- Miami tight end, 2001-03

Hated by: Military veterans.

Claim to Infamy: After contentious game against Tennessee Nov. 8, 2003, two years after 9/11, Winslow declared himself a soldier. Declared college football war. Declared that the Volunteers were out to kill him, so he in turn was out to kill them. Did not declare for military service, not then or ever.

I love that "I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER" soundbite, but yeah, I see where Pat is coming from. Mr. Motorcycle Accident here was trivializing something that's very serious and important, and really can't be compared to anything in sports. So then, anyone want to explain why Chad's article also contains this?

13. Hurricane Katrina -- Act of God, 2005

Hated by: Tulane.

Claim to Infamy: Massive storm and subsequent flooding turned promising Green Wave season into disaster. Playing away from home all season, Tulane went 2-9 and still hasn't recovered. After winning 18 games from 2002-04, Green Wave have only won 12 games in the four seasons since the storm.

Right. Yeah. Let's discuss cognitive dissonance, and try to figure out why Chad doesn't experience it. Kellen Winslow talking about being a soldier was bad because being a soldier is really a whole lot more serious and (in certain ways) significant than being an athlete. And in that same way, identifying Hurricane Katrina as a "sports villain" is bad because the impact of Katrina was really a whole lot more serious and (in pretty much every way) significant than just ruining an NCAA football season.

Boy, that 9/11 really was a bummer, wasn't it? Totally messed up the end of the 2001 MLB regular season. What a villain!

I'm not actually trying to make a 9/11 joke, just trying to put Pat's idiocy into perspective.

Hmmmm. Should probably just stop writing now.

/stops digging metaphorical hole

/backs away slowly

/sprints to waiting car, peels out and accelerates away

/intentionally runs over Nick Saban

Completely Unexpected

What? What's that? Pete Rose would vote Alex Rodriguez into the Hall of Fame if he had a ballot? So what you're telling me is... a guy who really wants to be in the HOF, but can't get in because he did something the game finds reprehensible, would allow another guy who did something reprehensible in? Well at least we know Rose isn't a huge hypocrite. Oh wait, actually, he kind of is.

"When you take steroids you have a direct outcome of the game," Rose said. "That's the integrity of the game. And when you can change records when you do something illegal, it's just not right."

Emphasis added. But hey, at least he's not a hypocrite when it comes to the HOF balloting itself.

I'm not taking a holier than thou stance here- I actually think Rose deserves to be in, in some capacity. I'm undecided about steroid users. But the point of this post is that this is a pretty hilarious sound bite. Hey Pete, how about you go away and don't talk for a while.

PS- Happy second birthday to us. Yeah, motherfuckers. That's right. Two whole years. Counting the 2008 leap year, that's 731 days! We may be withering on the vine and dying, but we are certainly not dead yet. I expect us stick around at least another 5 or 6 months before we stop posting altogether. Also- in our first post ever, I actually tried to make a joke about Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair. I still need to kick my own ass for that. What was my next topic going to be- airplane food?

Jay Mariotti: Still a colossal fuck face

With the past week or so's events, it's pretty obvious whose picture would lead Mariotti's new column about steroids, right?



Isn't it laughable how everyone has an opinion now?

The only thing that's laughable is that you lead a steroids column with Ozzie Guillen, you pathetic fuck.

For years, baseball people were hush about steroids, protecting their dirty little secret as if the masses were morons when, in fact, a lot of these men are the uneducated rockheads.

If any one treats the American masses like morons, it's you and any one else who's ever participated in ATH.

One such creature is Ozzie Guillen, manager of Barack Obama's Chicago White Sox,

"Barrack Obama's Chicago White Sox:" totally relevant to the conversation. Say, did you know Will Ferrel is a USC fan? Too bad OJ Simpson went and tarnished Ferrel's name by killing two people.

who went mob boss on us in 2006 when pitcher Jason Grimsley served as a steroids informant in a federal investigation.

Yeah, this whole time it was Ozzie acting alone to cover up steroid usage in Major League Baseball. Just him...and the entire fucking players union.

Go rape yourself, Mariotti.

Reader Participation: A-Rod Roids. What Do You Think?

So this one took me by more than a little by surprise. A-Rod has tested positive for steroids at least once, according to a source whose validity has not seemed to be called into question.

What do you think? This is a complicated issue, I think. Since we all assumed that the 90's and early 00's were tainted by steroid use, on the one hand this isn't a shocker. But on the other hand, I think we generally cast a narrow net and only widen it as evidence became impossible to ignore.

I kind of turned up my nose at those who cried from mountain high (usually columnists like Jay Mariotti and other sanctimonious types) that "we can't assume anyone is claen."

Now, this still doesn't excuse not voting for Tony Gwynn. This still doesn't excuse impugning the likes of Griffey and Frank Thomas--guys who almost certainly never roided. A-Rod was a power hitter--the kind of guy whose athletic frame seemed to belie the kind of power AND speed he was simultaneously capable of.

And still I'd never really thought, even with Canseco's accusations, that he was a roider. Didn't rule it out, but didn't really think it likely. Well, here it is. What do you all make of this?

Does it not really affect your view of baseball? Did you already think A-Rod was a user? Do you not care one way or another who uses steroids? Do you think this affects only your view of A-Rod and not other power hitters of his time period? Anything.

This is important (I think). Might as well shoot the shit about it.

Bill Simmons: On top of things, as always

I'm not going to complain about all of Bill's lame jokes and dated references because I know he writes for ESPN, and they probably edit out a lot of good shit (although, no one put a gun to Simmons' head and forced him to re-up with ESPN). In addition, I continue to applaud Bill Simmons for being one of the first mainstream sports writers who began to question how/why Roger Clemens was having his best seasons at ages 41-43.

That all being said, I take rather serious umbrage with the following from his Friday NFL column:

RAVENS (-5) over Redskins

I can't wait for this sequence on "The Sports Reporters."

Mike Lupica: "If an aging baseball star had rejuvenated his career in a contract year like Ray Lewis did this year, to the point that he's almost UNRECOGNIZABLE compared with the has-been we've been watching the past three years ... we'd be asking all kinds of questions, wouldn't we? And that's really the difference between baseball and football, as we learned with Shawne Merriman's suspension last year. Ultimately, we don't care whether NFL players cheat or not!"

...

Lupica: "Look, I'm not saying Ray Lewis cheated. He was just the most logical example here ... unless you want to go with Rodney Harrison and the fact that they're still picking up pieces of his exploded LEFT QUADRICEP off the grass at Gillette Stadium."

So if he's the most logical example, then clearly comparing his stat lines to the past 3 years will prove what an obvious steroid user Ray Lewis is:

2005: Games: 6, Solo Tackles Per Game: 6.5, Assists Per Game: 1.33, Sacks: 1.0, INTs: 1

2006: Games: 14, Solo Tackles Per Game: 5.79, Assists Per Game: 1.57, Sacks: 5.0, INTs: 2

2007: Games: 14, Solo Tackles Per Game: 5.86, Assists Per Game: 2.71, Sacks, 2.0 INTs: 2

2008: Games: 12, Solo Tackles Per Game: 5, Assists Per Game: 1.92, Sacks: 1.0 INTs: 3

Conclusions:

1. If ever there was a time to claim Ray Lewis was on steroids, it was last year, as it's the only year out of the past 4 where his tackles and assists have gone up from the previous year.

2. Gregg Easterbrook would claim that Ray Lewis hasn't changed at all because the difference between 6.5 tackles per game and 5 tackles per game is indistinguishable to human beings.

3. Ray Lewis is on pace to double his INT total from 2006 and 2007. Might have something to do with picking 2 against Sage Rosenfels.

4. If you're not Gregg Easterbrook, then you would probably say that the only way Ray Lewis is "unrecognizable" from the past 3 years is that he's gotten worse.

5. Simmons used the following methodology for determining Ray Ray is on steroids:

"Hmm, the Ravens are above .500, and their game against the Redskins got moved to prime time. Must be that defense of theirs. Some guy from Football Outsiders mentioned that Haloti Ngata, Terrell Suggs, and Ed Reed are all really good, but that defense always comes down to Ray Lewis. Seriously, how old is that guy, like a thousand? What? He's 33? Not possible. He won a Super Bowl before the Pats dynasty started for fuck's sake! Dude is on steroids, no doubt. Shit look at the time, I need to iron my Teddy Bruschi jersey before going to my weekly Patriots Fans of LA Circle Jerk."

Baseball Players Never Grew Up

I recently stumbled upon this blog post by a guy named Jeff Horrigan. In it, he mentions that former Reds catcher Joe Oliver (a classic name from dan-bob's youth and the catcher of the last world champion Reds team) is feeling disgruntled. Here's what Joe said:

What would happen if someone like me decide to have an attorney bring a lawsuit against MLB because the owners and GM’s knew about players juicing and did nothing about it. That would have created an unlevel playing field for players like me to compete. I had to vie for a job every year and now I know it had something to do with certain players having a competitive edge on me.

I don't think the lawsuit would hold a lot of water. But what confuses me is that Joe alleges that the owners and GMs knew about it, but that he didn't. This brings me to the larger point: sure, you got screwed, Joe... but as much as the owners and GMs tolerated it, so did the culture of the players tolerate it. Baseball players are some of the most immature athletes; a lot of them never even started college. Their player culture is famously closed (see the story of Jim Bouton's Ball Four). One wonders how many scores of clean players like Joe were aware of the level of abuse, but never said a word. Got to toe the line. Don't break the code.

“I spent all that time in the early hours running and lifting weights, these guys would shoot up and be done and get stronger, faster, and the owners knew who they were and the GM’s knew who they were. Every time I argued for a contract, I was competing with juiced catchers in the same boat looking for a job. They got the higher paying jobs and I got screwed.

Yep. You got screwed, Joe. You did get screwed, but just as much by your own players' culture as the management's willful ignorance. At least now you're not on the list, Joe. The players won't suffer repercussions due to the strength of the players' union [see how successful the game is? gotta feed the beast -ahem, the players]. It's hard for anyone to check the arrogance and collective power of a group of young men who, while making millions for themselves, also generate millions for the owners and for their cities.

The losers, as usual, are the fans and the Joe Olivers of the world. With apologies to Green Day and the Leo Durocher, "Nice Guys Who Didn't Take Steroids Finish Last in Contract Negotiations".