Oh My God. What Are We Going To Do? Besides Panic, I Mean

Oh no.

Oh fucking no.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's it, people. The season is canceled. Why would anyone want to pay attention to the NFL if Tom Brady isn't a part of it?

Seriously though- eat a big bag of poop, Patriots. As I'm about to explain, it's not that I'm happy Brady got hurt. But I sure am happy their team is going to be a lot worse than expected this year. And I don't see any problem with making that separation.

This is probably going to end up being a progressive post that I update as more and more ridiculous analysis of this injury rolls in, but let's get started with the first two nausea-inducing things I've heard since it all went down about 12 hours ago.

John Madden, during Sunday Night Football:

I'm sure the Patriots are devastated. But really, the whole league is probably devastated.

Listen, no one normal wants to see someone get hurt. (Well, except for me with Curt Schilling, and fortunately that happened. So I guess that proves that I was in the right. Anyways.) It's not like players from the other 31 teams are sitting around high-fiving each other. But really... devastated? As in, deeply affected? Extremely upset about? Maybe things have changed since you coached, John, but in this situation I'm fairly certain that at the absolute bare minimum, the other three teams in the AFC East are tactfully comfortable with the idea of Brady taking a season off.

Trent Dilfer, during ESPN's "The Blitz:"

This guy is one of the true heroes of the game.

At least he didn't say one of the true heroes of all time for the whole world, like Mother Teresa or John Elway or something. Still- excuse me while I step away for a minute to fill my kitchen sink with vomit.

Like I said, stay tuned. I'm sure the worst of this garbage is yet to come.

I'm Just Now Starting To Understand the Depth of Jay Mariotti's Ability to "Windsock"

By windsocking, I mean the phenomenon Chris W described in the comments section of the last Mariotti post I did. When popular opinion seems to be going one way, Jay must take the opposite stance. Bears fans think their team has a shot this year? Fuck you, Bears fans. The Bears will be lucky to win five games. Cubs fans feeling down in the dumps about a losing streak? Fuck you, Cubs fans. The Cubs are the greatest and classiest organization in baseball. White Sox fans think Ozzie Guillen is for the most part taking their team in the right direction? Fuck you, White Sox fans. Your team hasn't even won a game since July 2, 2006. And so on and so on.

But here's the caveat- with the exception of the Ozzie thing, on which is mind is pretty much made up, all of these stances are 100% susceptible to being reversed in the event that popular opinion begins to reflect what Jay has been thinking. The example from that post was their acquisition of Rich Harden. As Chris said- basically, before the Cubs got Harden, that was what they needed to do in order to make a run and you were a crazy person if you thought they had a shot in the postseason without him. Once the Cubs went out and got Harden, however, Jay was the first to point out that he had some possible lingering injury problems and there was no point in counting on him to contribute in October. And so on and so forth.

So why did I write this lengthy introduction? Because I'm an egotistical blowhard, for one thing. But I'm also getting to the point of this post. If you click the "Jay Mariotti" on our sidebar, here are some of the things you'll find on the first page that Jay has said about the White Sox. (And this is just in the last six months or so.)

-...the Sox, firmly the distant No. 2 baseball team again in the nation's third-largest market...
-Hate to be cynical about Ken Williams' belated offseason attempt to redeem himself, but acquiring Nick Swisher only assures the Sox of one thing: They're a little better than the Kansas City Royals.
-Consider it one more reason, along with the extension given to Ozzie Guillen, that the Sox are locked in as Chicago's second-class ballclub for years to come. ("It" being the fact that they gave a new contract to broadcaster Hawk Harrelson. Apparently, to Jay, nothing screams "organizational measuring stick" like the guy behind the TV microphone. That explains why the Yankees have been so good for so long.)
-The Sox are easy to loathe.
-The Sox can crow all they want about their World Series title, how they beat the Cubs to the holy grail. At least the Cubs still own their dignity as a Chicago institution...
-The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. (Gavin Floyd, back in early May)
-This weekend at the Palmer House Hilton, snarling fans will continue a Soxfest tradition. They'll demand straight answers from general manager Ken Williams, who would have more fun sleeping naked at Wrigley Field in a snowstorm. They will ask why he left the rotation filled with craters, why he whiffed badly on Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera and why he keeps talking about a championship when finishing .500 seems like a -- cue the silly Hawkeroo -- ``stretch, stretch, stretch.''

This sample represents less than 1% of all the bad things Jay has ever said about the White Sox. So then, knowing how he loves this "windsocking" thing, I guess his article from Friday's Sun-Times (as a policy, we don't link him anymore, you'll have to find it yourself if you need the original for some reason) shouldn't come as much of a surprise.

Unfairly Snubbed, Sox Deserve Much Better

Especially from that nasty ol' Chicago media. Why can't they just support the hometown team?

Dadgum, Hawkeroo. Would you believe the records are nearly identical now? In fact, when weighing the difficulty quotient of playing in the superior league, the White Sox actually are having a better season than the charmed, beloved, gush-and-goo Cubbies.

Whom Jay has been gushing and goo-ing over for a good two months now.

Where this uprising came from, I don't know,

I have a theory about one such possible source.

and where it's going, I can't say.

I have a theory about which way you want it to go.

But "Sox In The City" is a boffo hit.

Please don't use pop culture references like that. Or obscure adjectives like that. Or awkwardly shoehorn the name of a team into a dissimilar entity such as a TV show like that.

Not that anyone is noticing.

That has to be an attempt at baiting. It has to be.

Grasping for respect as always, clutching the inferiority complex that never ends in a town that never changes, the Sox are dealing with a relentless trail of dissing that, admittedly, doesn't seem fair.

Damn you, Sox haters. If only Jay Mariotti could figure out who you were, he'd give you a piece of his mind.

They have one of baseball's elite pitching staffs,

I seem to remember hearing something about a rotation filled with craters.

yet none of their pitchers was named to the American League All-Star team.

This is the fault of popular opinion about the team, and has nothing to do with Terry Francona or the player vote.

They launched a crazy/mad campaign pushing the very deserving Jermaine Dye for the final All-Star roster slot, yet he finished second Thursday to Tampa Bay darling Evan Longoria, whose statistics fall shy of Dye's.

1. That's barely true.
2. Dye finished second in a five man race, and he beat out a Yankee. If you have a brain, you should be able to tell that that is reflective of an enormous amount of support.

The Sox will send merely two players to Yankee Stadium, upstart Carlos Quentin and warrior Joe Crede,

The Rays and Angels are only sending three each. The Phillies and Mets are only sending two.

while the Cubs had a whopping seven players named to the National League club, including two (Kosuke Fukudome and injur ed Alfonso Soriano) who belong only as hot dog vendors.

The Cubs have a larger national fan base. Again, not too hard to figure out if you have a brain.

And worst of all? Attendance on the South Side, a traditional Sox bugaboo that should be a non-issue after a World Series championship, is becoming a story again. Despite their success, the Sox rank 18th among the 30 big-league teams with a 28,915 average, down 4,225 bodies a game from last year and a revealing 7,596 fans from 2006.

Attendance numbers in today's game are largely driven by pre-season ticket sales. Therefore there's a strong one year lag effect on those numbers. (That's why the defending NL champion Rockies can be one of the worst teams in the league and still be on pace to draw more fans than they have in six years.) The 2005 Sox won 99 games and the Series but only drew 2.3 million fans, largely because the 2004 Sox stunk. The 2006 Sox were good, but didn't make the playoffs and weren't in first anytime after May. Yet they nearly drew 3 million, mostly because of the 2005 title and subsequent preseason purchases. The 2007 Sox still drew 2.7 million, because the 2006 Sox won 90 games. The 2008 Sox, even if they win the division, probably won't even crack 2.5 million, because the 2007 Sox stunk. But if they do indeed make the postseason, I would wager that the 2009 Sox (regardless of how their season goes) end up back in the 2.8/2.9 area.

This is a long way of saying that I wish Jay Mariotti had never gotten into journalism, and instead grown up to be a garbageman.

The company line blames gas prices,

Probably not true, but whatever.

but last I looked, the Sox primarily draw within 25 miles of U.S. Cellular Field and don't remotely compare to the Cubs as a regional attraction. When it's easier to find a parking space in the Loop than a Cubs ticket -- attendance already is nearing 2 million on the North Side, compared to 1.3 million at The Cell --

2007 White Sox, 4th place. 2007 Cubs, division champs.

I safely can conclude the obvious once again.

The smugness is just oozing off the computer screen, isn't it? That's what makes this so much fun. Sentences (or clauses, or whatever the hell you want to call it) like that are the reason I still enjoy writing for this blog 15 months after it started. No matter how obvious it is that they are wrong about something, leave it to jackassed sports journalists to "safely" conclude the opposite. It's beautiful.

Even in a year when both teams could win division titles, the Cubs own this town like, well, Batman owns Chicago in "The Dark Knight."

Gotham City is a fictional location that's mostly parallel to New York. And what is that "well" doing in there?

The Sox? No matter how much Ozzie Guillen yaps, Ken Williams preens and players make headlines by clashing in the dugout,

What kind of lowlife journalists are writing those headlines? Say something positive about those guys for once! Jay Mariotti is begging you.

they're still the other club in town, the afterthought, the alternative. Sometimes, it's very hard to like the people who run the Sox, but this summer, I don't mind acknowledging that I feel sorry for the entire operation. They deserve better, such as bigger home audiences.

At least he's consistent in identifying them as the Cubs' collective bitch. Still, here's an idea, Jay- how about they deserve better from you?

So why are fewer people showing up? The economy has some impact, sure, but perhaps there's also a burnout effect involving Guillen, Williams and their circus-like way of doing business.

We'll see just how burnt out people are in 2009 if the Sox finish 2008 like they've started it.

A day rarely passes without a Sox controversy, whether it's the federal investigation of a Dominican Republic scouting scandal or the argument Wednesday night between the level-headed Dye and volatile Orlando Cabrera. Personally, as long as the Sox are winning amid the disarray, I believe the fans should be pleased and flocking to ticket windows.

Jeez, this is creepy. Did someone from the Sox organization kidnap Jay's family and tell him they wouldn't be released until he said something nice about the team?

But they could be worn out by it all, waiting to spend ballpark money in August and September when the real drama plays out -- and not the ongoing Ozfest.

Possibly a worse/more shoehorned pop culture reference than "Sox and the City."

Later (this was my favorite part of the article)...

In campaigning for Dye, the Sox were creative to the point of lunacy.

Oh yeah? "Lunacy," you say? Well please, go ahead and tell me about all the madcap antics they pulled to try and get their guy into the All-Star game. Skywriting? Offering to pay off the other candidates to drop out of the race? Bizarre and confusing viral marketing? I can't wait to hear about the outrageous lengths they went to.

They had Guillen, players and coaches wear "Vote for J.D." t-shirts and stickers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there. Let me catch my breath.





OK, I'm good. What else?

They posted messages on video boards across town.

That is completely bonkers. My computer's about to overheat just from copying and pasting the text into Blogger.

They flooded in-boxes of fans, making them eligible to win an autographed Dye jersey.

Never heard of anything like this before. Groundbreaking.

They even asked folks to support ex-Sox outfielder Aaron Rowand, who plays for San Francisco and was among five finalists for the last NL berth.

OK, and .... ?

This, too, defeats the purpose of trying to win an All-Star Game -- what if Rowand beat the AL with a home run?

So confusing. What is the point here? We followed this path to get here: Claim that the Sox did some crazy things to try to get Dye elected --> A list of those things, none of which was unorthodox at all --> Pointing out that the team also campaigned for one of their ex-players in the other league, which actually is kind of crazy but has nothing to do with Dye --> Complaining that that player might hit a game winning HR.

I think I'm just going to have to file this paragraph under "dumb" and leave it be. I can't parse it any more thoroughly than that.

The scheme officially went bonkers when the Sox hired a plane to display a banner: "Vote for JD: WhiteSox.com."

A-ha! My fault. They did do something a little wild. Not anywhere as cool as actual skywriting, but still a little out there.

This was done not in Chicago, but at Kaufmann Stadium in Kansas City. Huh?

Huh? I will give you one guess as to where the Sox were playing last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Don't overthink it. Hey, if you wanted to get a message like that to its target audience, which plan do you think would work better?

A) Fly the banner over the out-of-town stadium in which the team is playing, enabling fans (who, since they're watching the game and therefore probably interested in getting Dye voted in) to see it on TV and subsequently go online and fill out some ballots.

or

B) Regardless of the fact that no games are taking place there until after the voting closes, damn the torpedoes and fly the banner over USCellular Field anyways. Hope that the grounds crew subsequently goes home and fills out thousands of ballots each.

It's a tough call.

In the end, like everything else, the Sox came up short on the marketing end.

If only they could get a little support from the media every once in a while.

"It's an honor to see as many votes as we all got, that's unbelievable," said Dye, who finished not far behind Longoria, the recipient of nine million votes. "Just great support from everyone, the fans and my teammates. I'm happy to get so much talk about it the last four days. I'm just happy to be mentioned."

Such is the Sox existence, of course. Snubbed and dissed, they're just thrilled when anyone notices.

Way to be a gracious loser, Jermaine. You pussy. Here are some facts I'd like to conclude the post with.

1) Things Jermaine Dye could have said about finishing second to Longoria, other than what's printed above: zero
2) "Zany"/"looney" things the Sox did to campaign for Dye: 0.5
3) Odds that Sox attendance will rise dramatically in 2009: extremely high
4) Size of White Sox fanbase, relative to the average MLB team: high
5) Things mentioned in this article that the Sox should legitimately be worried about: zero
6) Last time the Sox were any good: 7/2/06
7) Media member most responsible for disrespecting the Sox: guy who wrote this article, which is entirely about how the Sox don't get enough respect

Hey, Want To Read Some Jackass's 6,000 Word History Lesson About How Boston Changed Between 1998 and 2008?

Of course you don't. So avoid Bill Simmons's latest column. Here's what you need to know- back then it was full of racists, and now it's full of racists who are really excited about their local sports franchises. Anyways, in keeping with the spirit of this blog's unwritten policy that I must complain about Simmons's misconceptions about the uniqueness of Boston's fan base at least once every four hours, here's the most preposterous section of the article:

That's a phenomenon unique to this particular city -- an unusually high level of fraternizing between the Red Sox, Celtics and Patriots that started a few years ago and eventually reached the point that players show up to support the other teams.

OK... listen, dickass. This is really becoming your "thing," isn't it? Always gotta slip it into your columns. Boy, Jay Mariotti's inability to realize that there is nothing special about July 2, 2006 doesn't have shit on Bill's inability to realize that this is the kind of thing that happens in every multi-sport city all the fucking time. Boston. Fans. Are. Not. Special. (Here's the most in-depth post I've ever made about the subject, but you don't have to look too hard to find dozens of other small examples scattered here and there.) Not even their athlete fans. How do I know this? Besides the fact that I'm not Bill Simmons, I've also seen or heard about Nuggets/Rockies/Avalanche/Broncos players attending each others' games since I can remember. And more recently I've experienced the same trend among Redskins/Capitals/Wizards/Nationals players. Now, Denver and DC are not exactly two cities known for their vibrant sports scene. The former is really just a town for binge drinkers and fitness nuts (what a juxtaposition!) while the latter tends to revolve around politics for some reason. So if players are showing up at each others' games in those cities, I'm very comfortable making the leap and assuming it's happening everywhere.

Now, there are two extra points I have to make to clarify my position.

1) Re: the context of Bill's comment, the list of Boston athletes/former athletes he cited as having been in attendance at Sunday night's Lakers/Celtics game was actually pretty impressive. Sort of. Bill Russell? Cool. (I hope he didn't get called the "n" word by the people in his section too much.) On the other hand, Coco Crisp and Antoine Walker? Whoop-de-balls. But it's certainly more impressive than a potential list of DC athletes/former athletes at a Nationals game on a Wednesday in May. You know why? Because the Boston list came from game two of the NBA Finals. And an absurdly-hyped and long-anticipated finals at that.

2) You know who was on Simmons's list, who I must concede might actually put Boston athletes over the top and convince me that they really are different and more special than other cities' athletes? That's right, the man with the diamond-encrusted 28" pecker himself... Tedy Bruschi. Bruschi! He's the founder and CEO of The United Way, UNICEF, and "Locks of Love!" Speaking of which, look at his hair! You've got an erection, don't you! Don't worry! That's normal! *Larry B trails off while making bad Bruschi jokes*

Reader Extra Participation Friday: Go Ahead, Tell It Like It Is

It's late, I'm fucking beat, and I'm in the mood to get made fun of. So let's open up the floor for negative comments. That's right- I want you to let loose and tell me what the absolutely worst part of this blog is. Or the worst five parts. Whatever tickles you. Keep in mind, however, that your criticisms will almost definitely not lead to any improvements around here. This isn't a restaurant comment card where if you put like "why do u carry coke products they stink, get pepsi products they r better" the place will immediately start carrying Pepsi because they're terrified of losing your business. It's really just more of a chance for you to vent. So... tell it like it is. Come on. My life already stinks, it's not like your harsh words will make it any worse.

I'm going to go ahead and take the easiest one right out of the gate- we stole our name, format, and style from another blog. I hadn't realized this until a couple of very keen-eyed commenters last fall pointed it out. But son of a bitch, I went and checked out their site, and it's true! Oops. Our bad. So that's definitely shitty. What else ya got?

If David Eckstein Played NCAA Basketball, Which Current Duke Blue Devil Would He Be?

Small. White. Really White. Frail, at least in appearance. Comically overexposed and overhyped. Considered by millions to be good at his sport. Not actually very good at his sport. And the real clincher- when confronted with facts about his inadequacies, his defenders immediately fall back on the intangibles he allegedly brings to the field/court/surface/area. Hmmm.... who could it be? Come on, keep guessing. You'll get it eventually. Think overrated. Really overrated.

Give up?

Thank you, Gary Parrish of CBSSportsline, for helping me establish the validity of this comparison with one of the worst puff pieces I've ever seen.

Never asking for comparisons, Paulus just wants to be Paulus

You're off to a puffy start- already making excuses for the guy before the article even starts.

Greg Paulus cannot do a lot of things other people can do.

That's not really true if taken literally. If you replace "people" with "college basketball players," however, it's definitely true.

He cannot run like Ty Lawson. Or jump like Derrick Rose. Or see the court like D.J. Augustin. Or lock down an opponent like Darren Collison.

Oh God, no. No no no no no. Combined together, all these things are the equivalent of saying that Woody Paige cannot win a Pulitzer Prize.

And I could spend a long while writing about what Paulus can't do, but hasn't that been done enough already?

As long as people like you keep writing articles like this? Absolutely not. Before I really start trashing on him, let me take this opportunity to explain to the potentially uninformed masses what kind of player Paulus is.

We'll start with his defense, which is sub-mediocre. Then we can get into his offensive numbers. I'll round when possible for convenience's sake. In 2005-06, amidst levels of preseason freshman hype that matched anyone in recent memory save Greg Oden, he went for 7 points, 5.2 assists, 3.3 turnovers, and 37% shooting (!) from the floor in 32 minutes a game. In 2006-07, he went for 12 points, 3.8 assists, 3.1 turnovers (look at that A/TO ratio), and 46% shooting in 32 minutes per game. This year, as a junior, he's putting up a line of 11 points, 3.5 assists, 1.7 turnovers, and 46% shooting in 26 minutes a game. That's paltry at best for a starting PG. I won't list the stats of the four other guys Parrish listed above, but you can look them up if you want. Rose is already marginally better and he's only a freshman. Collison (jr.), Lawson (soph.), and Augustin (soph.) are so much better that it's not even worth comparing them to Paulus.

Who else can we throw into the discussion? Sean Singletary is better. A.J. Price is better. Levance Fields is better. Taylor Rochestie is better. Mario Chalmers is better. Dominic James is better. Kyle McAlarney is better, and he's probably playing high half the time. Do I need to keep going? My guess is that Paulus is somewhere around the 40th or 50th best PG in the country. Does it seem like a guy in that range should get the press he gets? How many of these guys I listed come even close to his level of hype? I know, I know, it's because he plays for Duke. But that's the whole point of this rant. This. Guy. Isn't. Very. Good. Please, if we must talk about THE DOOKIEEEEEEEESSSSSS, can we talk about someone else on their team? Someone who's actually good?

I mean, we've spent the better part of two-plus years discussing Paulus' deficiencies, which is only natural when dealing with the person who plays point guard for the premier brand in college basketball. Paulus gets that. And though it's easy to point out how he's not the second-coming of Bobby Hurley-

This is where the nonsense starts.

it's worth pointing out he never actually staked that claim, never asked for the comparison or the criticism that comes with it.

That's so very relevant to the discussion as to whether or not Paulus is good. Thanks for bringing it up. Let's make some comparisons from other sports. Maybe Ryan Leaf didn't end up being that good. But did you ever heard him claim to be better than Joe Montana? And I'm so tired of hearing people trash on Cedric Benson. Has he ever explicitly said he would be as good as Walter Payton? Everyone can laugh at what a flop Corey Patterson has ended up being. I don't remember him telling the media he was going to make everyone forget about Willie Mays! No, Danica Patrick has never won a race. (And yes, she is much less attractive than advertisers would lead you to believe.) But as far as I know, she doesn't consider herself to be as good as Mario Andretti in his prime. And blah blah blah.

Honestly, that might be the worst puff piece defense ever. A really hyped up player... has never told anyone they were great... and this is supposed to be a big point in their favor? Wow. Just, wow.

"Comparisons will be made," Paulus said. "But if you stay true to yourself and don't try to be something you're not then everything will take care of itself."

"Admitting the obvious. But cliche about being mediocre and cliche about being mediocre, very untrue cliche about results."

Duke entered the Dean Dome with doubters Wednesday night and exited with an 89-78 victory against North Carolina that should finally convince everybody the Blue Devils are the favorites in the ACC.

Despite not being quick enough on the perimeter or big enough on the interior -- those were the thoughts in the preseason, weren't they? -- the Blue Devils will head into their game against Boston College on Saturday with a 20-1 record and a two-game lead in the league standings, and among the reasons is that Paulus character everyone (except Duke fans) loves to hate.

In the sense that he is on the team, gets significant minutes, and plays well about once every four or five games, yes. He is "among the reasons" Duke is cruising though the unusually crappy ACC. Don't forget their impressive non-conference schedule, which included Wisconsin and Marquette (their only quality wins besides UNC), Pitt (their only loss), and... uh... mid-major darling Davidson? Albany? Princeton? New Mexico State?

No, he's not up for All-America honors.

Probably won't make all-conference either.

Nor should he be, and nor should he.

But Paulus is a key component on this team, a veteran part that makes things work.

And heeeeeeeeeeeere cooooooooommmmmmmmmme the intaaaaaaaaaaangiblesssssssssss!

And the wild thing is that while he's generally despised by opposing fans, he's really everything we claim we want our sports figures to be.

You mean, like good at sports? We've been over this. He's really not.

He plays hard and plays hurt.

Oh, I see. You mean he's gritty.

He maximizes his ability, claps his hands and cares.

And gutty.

He laughs when things are great.

He plays the game the way it was meant to be played.

He cries when things are bad.

He's not a robot? He's like Dwyane Wade?

He doesn't get arrested at clubs or suspended for missing workouts.

He is able to maintain his scholarship by not committing crimes or doing things that would get him kicked off the team.

He loves representing Duke while performing for his coach, and you get the sense there is nothing he'd rather do than play college basketball forever and ever and ever.

He brings his lunchpail to the arena every night. He takes the extra base. He gets his uniform dirty. He's a dirtbag. The fans love him because he is small and white like they are. See how the Eckstein comparison works?

So why am I writing this column now?

Because you <3 Duke? Because Paulus reminds you of yourself back when you were playing on your high school's JV team? Because mediocrity intrigues you?

Because it occurred to me while watching Paulus make six of eight 3-pointers to finish with 18 points against North Carolina that the outside expectations on him have always been unfair,

Hooray for small sample size! Furthermore, re: outside expectations. Think back. Way back to November 2005. Do you know what people were saying about this guy? Gatorade National High School Player of the Year. Not for basketball. For everything. (Partially because he was a 2-sport athlete, admittedly. But that's obviously not 100% of the reason.) Um, I think it's probably fair to expect a guy like that to be pretty good in college.

and that the second I typed any kind words about the former two-sport star I would get a dozen e-mails explaining how he's overrated and an arrogant little prick.

I have no idea what his personality is like, but he's beyond overrated. He's basketball's answer to Torii Hunter. Actually, that's an insult to Hunter. Paulus is more like basketball's answer to Juan Pierre.

That's what Paulus can do to your inbox, case you didn't know. He's a polarizing figure. And if the past year has taught me anything it's that when I write something unpleasant about him Duke fans will defend him, and when I write something nice about him everybody else's fans will criticize the point while calling me stupid and insisting Paulus isn't one of the top players in the nation.

Are you implying he is? He isn't. Unless you mean, like, one of the top 250 players in the nation.

But guess what?

You think Greg Paulus is just swell.

He never said he was!

We already went over that. Exactly as relevant to a discussion of Paulus's value or perceived value as what his favorite Beatles album is. (Mine is Revolver, but if you want a dark horse candidate, I'd go with Rubber Soul. See how sophisticated I am? Ooooooh, look at me.)

And that reminds me of a story about Ryan Adams, the acclaimed singer-songwriter from the state of North Carolina, oddly enough.

Ryan Adams? The guy who for some reason bothered to cover "Wonderwall?" Why are we talking about this?

When Adams first broke into the scene in the mid-1990s he was a critic's darling, just a brilliant young performer who wrote smart songs that connected with fans, particularly fans who had ever experienced a break-up.

Becoming the first musical artist in history to endear himself fans in such a way. Poison tried so hard, but they just couldn't quite get it right.

The guy was really, really good. But at some point the perception turned, and the same critics who hailed him were suddenly calling him overrated, insisting he wasn't the next Bob Dylan or anything else.

Adams addressed the criticism in a 2004 magazine interview.

His reaction: "I never said I was any good."

Great anecdote, really. But here's the problem. Ryan Adams doesn't have any statistics. He doesn't have a good song per album average, or a clever lyrics to cliched lyrics ratio. You might think he sucks, but you couldn't really do much to objectively prove it. You might think he's the greatest artist ever to lay hands on a guitar, and you also couldn't objectively prove that.

But Greg Paulus does have statistics. You can see, very clearly, that he's an inefficient point guard. You can see that while he's become a better shooter than he was his freshman year, he still doesn't bring much to the table offensively. And although there aren't any solid raw defensive statistics, you can tell objectively from looking at game film that he's not very good at that. See how that works? You can't compare the value of athletes to the value of performing artists. It's not allowed. Unless that artist is Foreigner, which is objectively the best band of the 80's. Yes, better than Guns n' Roses, The Cure, or REM.

Which brings me back to Paulus, Wednesday night and the verbal assault he endured. It started early and lasted late and included words I will gladly relay as soon as I get a show on SIRIUS Satellite Radio and am thus free of FCC regulations. I cannot repeat them here. The whole thing was nasty and typical, just a bunch of people telling him what he can't do even though he has never spent a minute trying to tell people all the things he can do.

You mean the verbal assault he endured from the fans of his school's most bitter rival? Shock. Flabbergastion. Confusion. Where do those North Carolina ragamuffins get off booing Duke players? How dare they. That is so rude. This reminds me of the time I heard that Texas fans and Oklahoma fans are often less than cordial to each other. What is wrong with the world? It's just a game, people!

"He's not Bobby Hurley," Duke freshman Taylor King said in an attempt to set the record straight. "He's Greg Paulus."

"Two part cliche," said teammate who of course isn't going to say anything bad about player.

Yep, he's Greg Paulus.

Just Greg Paulus.

Just a pretty mediocre and comically overhyped player.

And with any luck, one day that might just be good enough.

Well, he's a junior right now. He's more than halfway though his college career. He probably has less than 50 games left. He might want to get around to being "good enough" to somewhat match expectations reasonably soon.

Or did I take that too literally? I guess when he graduates from Duke and goes into the real world, maybe he'll become an excellent salesman or consultant or something. And in that case, being Greg Paulus would probably be good enough.

Let's Not Build This Up Too Much

Because if I do, I'm just going to let you all down. Let's just leave it at this: Bill Simmons has written an article comparing the 1986 Celtics to the 2007 Patriots. And it is awful. "Mission Impossible 2" awful. Worse than Jemele Hill awful. "Last Call With Carson Daly" awful. Crap, I'm building it up.

Breaking down Beantown's best

Breaking down the spirit of any ESPN.com reader who doesn't give a shit about Boston sports.

When the Colts ducked the AFC Championship Game with an indefensible choke job against San Diego, many die-hard Boston fans thought the same thing: Ralph Sampson.

After all, a heavily favored Lakers team pulled the same trick in the '86 Western Conference finals, allowing themselves to be "shocked" by the upstart Rockets -- with Sampson making the series-winning shot in Game 5 at Los Angeles -- to avoid what would have been a ritual beating by an unstoppable Celtics team. Twenty-two years later, Indianapolis couldn't beat the banged-up Chargers at home when the refs were handing the defending champs every call and Billy Volek and Norv Turner were prominently involved. Did they want any part of the Patriots in Foxborough? Apparently not.

Since Bill is so often creating rules and manifestos for analyzing stuff, let's just take this one and apply it to every single possible situation. Anytime the second best team in any competition loses to someone other than the best team, it's because they subconsciously chose to. They were afraid. They couldn't deal with the idea of ultimately receiving a "ritual beating" from that top seeded team later on. It's a fact. Write it down. Chisel it into stone, and mail a copy of the stone to every single coach of any team at any level anywhere in the country. They can use the stone as a paperweight, and a reminder of the above stated rule. Let's break down some recent examples.

2006 NFL Playoffs- The Ravens, terrified of having to potentially play the top seeded Chargers for the AFC Championship, subconsciously default their divisional round game to the Colts. (Just another example of how smart Brian Billick is/was.) The Chargers go on to win their first Super Bowl. Shawne Merriman is initially thought to be having a seizure during the postgame on-field celebration; it is later discovering he was just dancing like a fucking idiot.

2004 NBA Finals- Coming to grips with the obvious fact that no team of mortals will be able to best the unstoppable Lakers, the Pacers subconsciously decide to mail in their Eastern Conference championship series against the Pistons despite having won 61 games during the regular season. Reggie Miller subconsciously allows Tayshaun Prince to block his layup during the turning point of the series's 5th game. Detroit ultimately decides not to play LA for the NBA title, and instead immediately hangs a "2004 Eastern Conference Champions and NBA Finals Losers" banner in the rafters of their arena the day after topping Indy. Shaq, displeased by this because he wanted to actually play out the games, personally goes to the home of each Pistons player and defecates on their lawn.

2003 MLB Playoffs- Subconsciously realizing they are absolutely no match for the invincible Yankees, the Cubs decide to graciously allow Marlins to win the NLCS. It's a sensible move; they wouldn't want to put their fans through such a painful near miss! After initially refusing to even take the field against lowly Florida, the Yankees are eventually coerced to do so by Bud Selig who promises to take them all to Six Flags if they play. Yankees sweep the Marlins for their 27th World Championship. George Steinbrenner buys himself another helicopter filled with Faberge eggs.

So as you can see, Bill's right.

In the process, they cheated two unforgettable teams of punctuating unforgettable seasons by topping their natural rivals.

How selfish and rude. Who do they think they are? Losing games subconsciously on purpose like that, and taking the shine off someone else's championship! The nerve. Maybe they should have been thinking about someone other than themselves when they painfully blew those playoff games. Their fans should be embarrassed. And should also start hanging out in Joe Montana's diner. And letting a smarmy Masshole guy make chippy one liners to them about how their players are girly and Tom Brady and Larry Bird are so sexy, they have semen running through their veins.

And that's not where the similarities begin and end with the '86 Celtics and the '07 Patriots. For the past few months, I've been avoiding the inevitable "Dr. Jack breakdown" because the responsibility of choosing between the best Boston-area teams of my lifetime was too overwhelming.

Sound exhausting. I'm impressed you're willing to take on this massive challenge. I'm sure there's a terrible 80s movie with a plot that perfectly parallels this situation. See, here's things the way I see them. Some people just weren't wired to deal with success and happiness. You know that guy from college who you wanted to avoid after he hooked up with a chick, or when he was having a fun night out at the bars? The guy who was just too happy with himself for his own good? The guy who just couldn't seem to handle his shit when things were going well? The guy who would tell you unsolicited stories about his exploits, when a normal person who went through the same thing(s) was content to just sit back and enjoy his good fortune on his own? Take that guy and make him a thousand times more hateworthy. Then give him a job at ESPN, and provide him with a rabid group of delusion bandwagon jumping readers who are convinced they are better/more significant sports fans than people who like other teams. That's Bill, three years ago. Today? I have no idea how to describe him.

But following the undeniable parallels between the Lakers-Rockets and Colts-Chargers outcomes, in the words of REO Speedwagon, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

If I ever am hired by a major media outlet to write down my thoughts, I will be sure to reference as few 80s love ballads as possible.

(One crucial anti-jinxing note: So I don't have to keep writing "assuming the Pats eventually win the Super Bowl" throughout the column, we'll shorten that phrase to the acronym "ATPEWTSB." Got it? I don't want to be blamed if this Patriots' season somehow goes to hell.

Don't flatter yourself. Although I do hope that if the Patriots lose, some crazed fan actually does come to the conclusion that it was all Bill's fault and decides to collect on the bounty Kissing Suzy Kolber has put out on his hands.

This is a hypothetical analysis predicated on the realistic assumption that the Patriots, currently 1-3 favorites to win Super Bowl XLII and 14-point favorites in the AFC title game, will win two more games. Which seems fairly likely. You have to admit.)

I have to admit that I hate Simmons and every team he's ever written a puff piece about. That's the extent of things.

All right, let's break this baby down, Dr. Jack style …

I don't have the time or energy to cover every one of Bill's made up comparison categories, but I will hit some key highlights. If you really want to lose your lunch, follow the link and read the full 40,000 word treatise. There's not much to say about most of them except "Sheeeeeeeeit" or "fucksheeeeeeit" or "I want my 20 seconds back."

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER
Tom Brady submitted the best regular season in quarterbacking history (4,804 yards, 50 touchdowns, eight picks and a 117 QB rating)

Peyton Manning's 2004, a season in which he only played in 15 games (plus a single non-TD drive before being benched in the meaningless 16th game): 4557 yards, 49 touchdowns, 10 INT, 121 QB rating. Take out Brady's meaningless 16th game and he's below 4500 yards and now has only 48 TDs. His rating would also drop because he completed more than three quarters of his passes in that meaningless game. So, no, he didn't just submit the best regular season in quarterbacking history.

and came within a Wes Welker drop and an uncalled interference penalty away from completing every pass against the Jaguars in the AFC divisional playoffs.

He can thank his offensive line for that.

Meanwhile, Larry Bird cruised to his third straight MVP award in '86, averaged a 26-9-8 for the playoffs and created the 90-50-40 Playoff Club (90 percent from the line, 50 percent from the field, 40 percent from 3-point range).

He created it a whole seven seasons after the 3-point line was implemented into the rulebook. Fuck you, guys who played before 1979. You're not allowed to be in the club. Pete Maravich? More like Pete Marabitch. Jerry West? Fairy West.

The phrase "peak of his powers" applies to both guys, and both were true leaders who connected with teammates on a supernatural level -- Brady and his receivers with their uncanny ability to freelance at the line of scrimmage,

Dozens of NFL quarterbacks do this. Few have the amount of time to throw or weapons to throw to that Brady enjoys, which is why they don't have his numbers. But this is no more "supernatural" than a second baseman/shortstop combo who sometimes pull off a no-look double play flip.

Bird and his teammates with their unselfish passing.

I've seen a lot of basketball in my day. Some guys are much better at passing than others. Bird was really good. I still have a hard time believing the adjective "supernatural" is applicable.

Now that's Supernatural!

Here's the trump card: I can't imagine any professional athlete executing his job better than Brady did through these first 17 games: He made the single toughest position in sports

Hockey goalies might have something to say about that. Or baseball pinch hitters, if that counts as a position. Or Olympic-level ping pong players.

look easy, and every time the Patriots needed him to come through, he did come through.

Every time they needed another TD to push their lead from 28 to 35, he was right there. What a gamer.

On top of that, he excelled during an unhealthy era in which we digest sports through various mediums, argue about them constantly and pick athletes and coaches apart on a 24/7 basis.

This is why not everyone makes it as a pro athlete- they're worried about what Tony Kornheiser is going to say about them on PTI, and whether or not people want them on their fantasy teams.

As Tony Romo showed over the past few weeks, many of these "superstars" can't handle it.

Yes. Romo can't handle the spotlight. That was his one and only problem last Sunday. Not happy feet. Not a vicious New York pass rush. Not mediocre mechanics. It's all about the fact that some reporters asked him about his recent vacation. Brady is so damn excellent at dealing with his off the field nonsense; that's the difference between him and Romo. Besides their offensive lines. And talent.

PRIZE ADDITION
Both Randy Moss and Bill Walton were considered on the downside of their careers, both were rescued from bad teams, and both transformed their teams from "really good" to "great." Statistically, Moss crushes Walton in every respect; his ability to stretch defenses, draw double-teams and provide a home-run threat for Brady dwarfs anything Walton did for the Celts. So this shouldn't be close.

Still, Walton's undeniable contributions remind me why I despise the increasing reliance on complicated statistics for basketball judgments: That season, he only averaged 20 minutes, 7.6 points, 6.8 rebounds and 2.1 assists -- not breathtaking numbers by any imagination -- and yet, you had to be there to witness his infectious and sorely needed enthusiasm, the otherworldly way he and Bird freelanced together on pick-and-rolls, the way the Garden crowd responded to him, and how Walton's minutes allowed Bird, McHale and Parish to stay fresh AND keep the team playing at a high level.

Heart! Gristle! Grit! Guttiness! Playing the game the way it was meant to be played! Being white! The ability to enchant fans despite being objectively (basketball stats are not as straightforward an indicator of performance as baseball stats, but they're still pretty good) not that important to the team! That's what Walton brought to this Celtics team, and people all over New England who love white athletes rejoiced. I like Bill's thinly veiled shot at complicated basketball stats like PER here. Why use something like that, which quantitatively measures nearly every way a guy can help his team, when you can just vaguely speculate about someone's value based on the way the crowd responds to him?

With that said, the neatest thing about the Walton/Moss parallel is how they pushed the careers of Bird/Brady to another level. Nothing was more exciting this season than seeing Brady take seven steps back, plant his feet and heave the football as far as he possibly could to Moss,

What made these plays possible? Thanks again, offensive line. Here's your courtesy photo op, because you have crazy facial hair! Now go back to anonymity so we can all gargle Brady's balls some more.

and if you were a true basketball fan, there was nothing like watching Bird and Walton run pick-and-rolls and give-and-gos like they'd known each other for 30 years. What a cool category. I feel honored just to be writing this section.

Wow. Way to compliment yourself for something you made up, while still working on that something. That's incredible. Nothing says "douche" quite like patting yourself on the back for something you're not even done creating.

You're doing a great job on this post, Larry. Well thank you, it's an honor to be here. No problem, keep up the good work. Great.

What the hell is going on?

DEFINING REGULAR-SEASON GAME
Could you narrow it down to one for the Pats? I don't think you can -- at gunpoint, I'd go with the Giants game, but you could make strong cases for four or five other ones.

I would vote for the one where they scored like four extra garbage time TDs well after the game was in hand. Yeah, I remember that games well. All seven or eight of it.

As for the Celtics, one definitely stands out: A January comeback win when the Hawks raced to a 27-point lead at home and made the unforgivable mistake of talking trash right before halftime, leading to a ferociously ticked-off Boston team roaring back, scoring 14 straight in the fourth quarter and eventually winning in OT. I have this one on tape -- in the second half, the entire Celtics team morphs into Clint Eastwood during the final 15 minutes of "Unforgiven." It's incredible to watch. This game should run on ESPN Classic once a week.

Yeah, what sports fan wouldn't want that? I can't believe this hasn't already happened. I mean, if you like sports, you have to like the exact same teams and moments Bill likes, right? How could you not? It's the fucking 1986 Celtics, man. Destiny's team. What? You don't care? You want to see a variety of programs, covering teams from many different cities? Go watch QVC or something. Pussy. You're Canadian, aren't you?

HOME CROWD
Almost as big of a mismatch as Belichick-Jones, only the other way: The '86 Celtics had one of the most significant home-court advantages in sports history, finishing 50-1 at home (including the playoffs) and breaking records for "Most times a group of fans recognized that a great pass was about to happen even before it happened," and "Most times a crowd has ever lifted a team from one level to another."

We've seen this from Bill before: the idea that Boston fans are just different and smarter and more influential and more powerful than fans from anywhere else. In reality, the only thing that separates those of them that actually believe this from everyone else is being the country's only contingent of fans deserving of being launched into deep space. Listen, fuck-oes: you're not special. You're not different. I don't care what ESPN told you. Here's a bouncy ball. Go play in traffic. (Again, this only applies to those of you who think you're different and special. Which can't be anyone left reading at this point in the post.)


LOCAL LOVE FOR THE TEAM
ATPEWTSB, the Pats have a built-in advantage for the simple reason that football is more popular than basketball. On top of that, when the Patriots were vilified nationally after SpyGate, that made Patriots fans more attached to the team and the season became about something else. Everyone loved the '86 Celtics, but this Patriots season has been different -- it's a much more personal experience as a fan, something that can't fully be explained. When you're rooting for a team that everyone is rooting against, it's almost debilitating. I'm not kidding. I need a vacation after this season.

Please, for Christ's sake, take it. Take it and never come back. Go see Europe. All of it. You've always wanted to do that. Or go hole yourself up in a cabin somewhere and write that novel you've been thinking about all these years. As long as it's not about sports.

QUIRKIEST WRINKLE
For the Pats, it's the fact they finished 16-0 even though they were basically running Warren Moon's old run-and-shoot offense for the past 10 weeks. (I didn't even realize this until stumbling across highlights of an old Oilers game and realizing their offense looked familiar.)

Like fuck he did. I will bet you US $1000 that this is a huge lie. Bill did not notice this on his own. I've never been more sure of something unprovable in my life. There is zero chance he "stumbled" across this. He was undoubtedly tipped off on it by someone who actually knows shit about football, and is now trying to impress his readers. Just like how he always talks about how hard he used to drink in college. Similar to how I always claim to know what it's like to work a steady job and not live at home well into your 20s.

CAPACITY TO SHAME BIGGEST RIVAL INTO SUBCONSCIOUSLY GIVING UP BEFORE THE DAY OF RECKONING
Rockets-Lakers was an enormous upset, but not totally: The '86 Lakers were a subpar rebounding team and an aging Kareem was too much of a ninny to deal with the young legs of Sampson and Hakeem. So it was a semi-defensible upset until the series-clinching game, when Hakeem got thrown out for fighting and the Lakers still managed to choke at home. Really, that's how a defending champ should go out? Come on. As for the Chargers-Colts game, even though San Diego showed an immense amount of heart and Norv Turner's play calling was so good that he nearly caught fire on the sidelines at one point like an "NBA Jam" character, you can't say enough about that gag job by the defending champs. What a disgrace. Part of winning a title is defending the title after you win it … and that wasn't anything remotely resembling a defense.

Kind of reminds me of 2002, when the Patriots missed the playoffs the year after winning the Super Bowl. Nice title defense right there. Or 2006, when they were two-time defending champs and proceded to shit the bed big time against Denver in the divisional round. Speaking of gag jobs, the defining play of that game happened when Brady hit Champ Bailey directly in the hands in the Denver end zone to thwart a potential go-ahead drive. But I digress. Comments like Bill's here are the quintessence of insecurity. Trash-talking journalism only comes from writers who are more concerned with crapping on their team's rival than actually coming up with something most people might find readable or relevant. So when that rival loses a big game, it's all about "disgrace" and how pathetic the rival is. Look, the Colts weren't at their best. But Manning was good/great. Both his picks bounced off receivers' hands. And somehow, some way, Philip Rivers went off. The end result was that the Chargers won that game, the Colts didn't lose it. Any Colts fans out there who are feeling bad should just read this. Might be my favorite Simmons article ever. And it should be noted that as a fan of a rival AFC team, I hate the Colts.

THE GRANDKIDS TEST
Whether it's a team or a player, the test remains the same: Will you be bouncing your grandkids on your lap some day and telling them how great Player X or Team X was? (Note: I always thought this would be a great way to decide the Hall of Fame -- if somebody doesn't pass the Grandkids Test, they're out.)

Other HOF methods that are just as effective and reasonable as the Grandkids Test:
-The cherry pick one stat test
-The cherry pick one significant game he played well in test
-The cool name or nickname test
-The goofy facial hair test
-The I heard a funny story about him partying on a road trip this one time test
-The only enshrine guys who played for your favorite teams test
-The yeah but they let Gary Carter in test
-The I don't know, I mean he was pretty good wasn't he? test

MY DAD'S TAKE
With the Celtics holding a slim 12-10 lead, I phoned my father to get his grizzled take for the deciding verdict. Here's a rough transcript of our conversation:

Finally, Bill goes straight to the foremost authority on Boston sports to settle the argument. Why didn't he just do this from the beginning?

Dad: "I guess. [Thinking.] I have to go with the '86 Celtics. There was no way we were losing that season. Nobody could beat us in the Garden. With the Pats, our defense makes me nervous and nothing made me nervous during that Celtics season. Then again, if the Pats go 19-0 … [thinking] … you know, I can't believe you're doing this before the last two games! Why are you doing this again? This is the dumbest thing you've ever done -- it's even dumber than the time your car got stolen because you left your keys in your car door. Can't you wait three weeks? I'm hanging up."

FINAL VERDICT
We have to wait three weeks. For now, the Celtics have a slight edge. To be continued.

Gag me. So not only has Bill wasted almost everyone's time on a topic 90% of his readership doesn't actually care about, he won't even settle the debate for those who do. All I can say is please, whoever is in charge up there in the sky or the stars or wherever the shit you live- give America something to smile about this Sunday. Let the Chargers march into Foxboro and hand the Patriots' shit to them in a neat little box with a bow on top. Let LDT go off for 200 and 4 TDs. Let Antonio Gates magically heal and force Rodney Harrison into a constant stream of unsportsmanlike conduct penalties by pissing him off while beating him deep. Let Antonio Cromartie get in Brady's head and leave some Snickers wrappers lying around (Curb, anyone? Anyone?). Let Eric Weddle get a more masculine name. Hell, let Merriman act like a dipshit all afternoon, I don't care. I don't care. (No Philip Rivers allowed, though. That guy is a fuckstick. Let's keep Billy Volek at QB.) Please, please, please let this painful story have a happy ending.

Can you imagine the stuff Simmons will write if the Patriots lose? I can promise I wouldn't waste any of my time tearing it apart. It'd be just fine on its own. And we could all laugh together.

Several Things I Think I Think About Peter King

I'm sorry. That title is awful. But not as awful as certain parts of this.

If Pete Carroll ever gets to second base with Arthur Blank, I'm turning in my sportswriter's license. I give up. I will be ... well, let's see. What is the word beyond "shocked?'' Um, whatever that is, that's what I'll be.

How King anticipates coming across knowledge of this football-charged encounter, should it happen, is anyone's guess. I'm just really not sure the sexual metaphor works in this situation. Maybe stick to something like "If Pete Carroll is seriously contemplating coaching the Falcons..." Unless, of course, King's concept of second base is talking to someone for a long time. Sure, I'm not exactly Ron Jeremy, but I'm pretty sure I'd at least be touching a girl (if one ever stumbled into this basement) by the time I rounded first.

Tony Romo's girlfriend has nothing to do with his spirals. We all need to get lives.

I'm right there with you, Pete. You know what else has nothing to do with football? Brett Favre's wife. Yet she seems to pop up from time to time in your columns. You even plugged her book in your column last October. So... stuff it.

Atari Bigby. Great name. Played a great game for the Packers.

That's about as useless as journalism gets. I think you could get better analysis out of a drunk homeless guy who was sleeping outside Lambeau Field during the game.

I hope the Elias Sports Bureau, keepers of all NFL stats, take a look at replays of the lone sack Seattle was credited with at Lambeau. Because it wasn't a sack. Leroy Hill caught Brett Favre at the line of scrimmage in the first quarter and downed him for no gain. But Favre had pulled the ball down and was clearly attempting to run for it. I make the point only because I'm sure the Green Bay offensive line would take it as a badge of honor if the record showed Seattle, second in the league in sacks this season, was held sackless.

Wrong. You make the point because you have an epic man crush on Brett Favre. The thought of him getting sacked makes you cry like this kid.

Ever sit in a domed stadium for a playoff game? A swell time -- but only if you've got earplugs. The volume in the RCA Dome might be great for the home team, but it's a living, breathing headache for the impartial people. I've never seen Judas Priest in a phone booth, but I imagine the effect on the ears is about the same.

You goddamn kids and your crowd noise! Turn down that racket. Back in my day, we got slapped six ways to Sunday if we so much as opened our mouths at a sporting event.

Now this, this is just shoddy journalism right here. King is describing his visit a Green Bay sports bar and ensuing encounter with some Packer fans he allegedly met there.

But the Packers are No. 1, and people such as Robert Ruprecht are why. Our little crew -- including old pal Mike Silver, who is always ready to be led astray -- encountered Ruprecht in a classic Wisconsin tavern late Friday night. "I just want to tell you one thing," Ruprecht, a 39-year-old optometrist from LaCrosse told me, his eyes crystal clear. "When Brett Favre retires, I will cry. In fact, the day he retires I will call in sick. I won't be able to work."

OK, easy, big fella. Ruprecht was with five or six friends. and when Mike and I tried to make a little bit of light of their devotion, they weren't having any of it. And believe me, this was before the beer started flowing. "You don't understand," Ruprecht said. "I have lived through Randy Wright, David Whitehurst ... people used to leave free tickets under your wiper blades with a note saying 'please take these.' This guy Favre has brought us so much joy. He is the greatest Packer ever. To us, he's Michael Jordan. I am totally serious."

Now we had built up a little bit of trust and had been talking for a while. Here came the big guns. "This is going to sound weird," he said. "I dream about this guy. I dream that I'm going shopping with him. I'm not kidding. I'm just saying, we worship Favre."

And that was a little slice of time at Nicky's, a few long spirals from Lambeau Field.

Why is it shoddy journalism? King has clearly taken his own thoughts (and shopping-related dreams) about Favre and assigned them to some fictional characters. Just try to tell me every single one of those quotes didn't come for King's own mind. You'll have to work hard to convince me.

If Favre retires (which I don't think he'll do, but I have no more information on it than the man in the moon), he's nuts. He's too good, having too much fun, and, when you read SI this week, you'll find out how much his game means to his 8-year-old daughter, Breleigh.

See what I mean?