Back to the salt mines

Wow, I took some time off there.  That's what happens when you're a burnt out sports media blogger--sometimes you just have to disappear for a couple weeks and realize that no one really gives a shit whether you post anything or not.  That's just the impetus you need to get back in the game.  Lots of ground to cover here.

First of all, thanks to dan-bob for posting a couple things while I sat on my couch and watched TV rather my usual practice of sitting on my couch and watching TV while blogging.  That was the first time since November of 2010 that dan-bob posted twice in the same week.  Just goes to show you that he's still got excellent writing, analysis and joke-writing skills, but unlike me, actually has other things going on in his life that usually prevent him from exercising those skills here on a regular basis.  I know nobody cares, but since I'm on the topic of real lives of FireJay bloggers, not all that much has changed for any of us since 2007.  Back then we were recent college grads (except for PNoles, who was still in college) living all over the country who didn't have a whole lot of ideas as to what we really wanted to do with our lives.  Now, we are late 20somethings living all over the country in different places than we were back in 2007, still without a whole lot of ideas as to what we really want to do with our lives (except for PNoles, who is the only one among us who has a job that I'm pretty sure he likes and intends to keep for a long time).  Life is good!

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Second of all, Jay Mariotti has launched a new website, or is about to launch it, or something.  Fuck if I care to bother knowing the details.  All you need to know about it can be read here, and also, just know that we won't be expending any effort around here towards getting him "fired."  Such effort would be unnecessary, because that new website of his does not constitute a "hiring" of any kind.  He was fired by all of his employers several years ago, remains fired, and may he fuck off and disappear from the public consciousness as soon as possible.

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Third of all, I wanted to clarify some comments I made about the Biogenesis mess and its fallout.  The last thing I can afford to do is alienate any of our seven readers, so let me be very clear.  When I said this in the comments section to one of my short posts a few weeks ago:

But it's also kind of too late to undo A-Rod's career, and the mouth-breathing retards clamoring for JUSTICE AGAINST CHEATERZZZ could probably use a reminder that the guy who's pulling out all the stops to nail Rodriguez, including by jumping right over the top of the JDA and going to the CBA to find the sword he wants to use for a JDA-contemplated problem, is the same guy who has himself done tons of harm to the game in years past.

I did not mean to imply that everyone who wants to see users get in trouble is a mouth-breathing retard.  Not at all.  There is plenty of room for disagreement as to what level of outrage towards steroid users is warranted.  I do not harbor much of it (certainly way way less than the average baseball fan), but I do harbor a little of it, and I do want to see the players who get caught under the program agreed to by the league and the MLBPA get the punishments they have coming to them as laid out in the Joint Drug Agreement.  I just happen to think that many baseball fans (or perhaps I should say, many baseball fans who are vocal on the internet--if you've read anything online about the Biogenesis fallout in the last six months you've heard from them, I'm sure) and most baseball writers have a depressingly shortsighted perspective on the whole issue.  They can't seem to think any deeper than GRRRRR CHEATERZZ IS BAD and they think the solution is Draconian punishments like TAKE AWAY THEY'RE CONTRAX AND GIVE DEM LIFETIME BANZZZ, when even those steps will never come close to eradicating usage.  They also are offended at the fact that Braun escaped punishment in 2011/2012 by using the appeals process granted to him in the JDA, and offended at the fact that Rodriguez is using the appeals process granted to him in the JDA to play right now.  The idea of due process and collectively negotiated rights don't mean anything to these people--they just want heads to roll, and they want those heads to roll now.  That is why they are mouth-breathing retards.

I also happen to think that the 200+ game punishment Selig wants to give A-Rod when the JDA lays out very specific rules as to how steroid-using players should be punished, as well as his reported consideration of punishing A-Rod under the CBA instead of the JDA (to prevent A-Rod from playing while the appeal process happens), are both fucking laughable.  What a piece of shit Selig is.  Where does this guy get off?  Steroid use is a practice that the league not only didn't punish, but condoned and indirectly endorsed when big home run totals and the big revenue they led to were a financial life preserver for the league.  Now that Selig is coming to the end of his time as commish, he's going to get TOUGH ON CRIME because he wants to preserve his legacy.  Where was this response in 1998 and 2001, Bud?  What a fucking piece of shit.  I could riff for paragraphs on this complicated subject, but I'll wrap it up by saying that it's not that people who want to see users get punished are idiots for having that desire--it's that many of them (both professional writers and commenters) seem to 1) not be aware of Selig's full legacy as commish, with regard both to steroid use and other problems, and 2) think that the harshest possible response to a infraction is the right one (always beware of people like this, because they are usually fucking idiots).  So go ahead, be glad that the Biogenesis users got caught.  Just don't be the kind of person who lets the fact that Braun and Rodriguez are unlikeable people color your judgment as to whether those players deserve to use the appeals rights given to them in the JDA, and don't be the kind of person who thinks a lifetime ban is a sensible punishment for something that, well, let's just say A LOT of MLB players engage in, and have engaged in for years, often to the benefit of MLB.  The league should take steps to curb steroid usage but LOCK 'EM UP AND THROW AWAY DA KEYS is not one of them.

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Fourth of all, before disappearing into Sitonmyassville a couple weeks ago I promised I would take on Simmons's abominable NBA offseason HEY IT'S JUST LIKE AN 80s MOVIE MOST PEOPLE HAVE SEEN ONE OR ZERO TIMES column.  Good news!  I'm still going to do that, since it's not like he's going to write another article anytime soon.  Bad news!  I'm not really starting tonight.  I mean, I'll give you a quick taste.  But I don't have much time to spare right now after slogging through those incoherent ramblings about steroids.

When Alan Sepinwall tweeted about Midnight Run's 25th anniversary two weekends ago, I did a quadruple take. Twenty-five years? How could that be? Top Gun seems like it came out a million years ago. So does The Breakfast Club, so does Wall Street, Fatal Attraction, The Killing Fields, Coming to America, and every other memorable mainstream '80s movie. 

All of those movies seem like they came out during the 80s, which when Midnight Run came out.  Bill is the guy at the party trying to make his inability to perceive something that pretty much everyone can perceive into an interesting conversation.  "Man, can you BELIEVE that gas is like $4 a gallon now?  I just can't even fathom it!"  Bill Simmons is a fucking moron.

Midnight Run? It's an outlier, a timeless classic, our least-dated '80s movie.

Oh my God.

Watching it all these years later, only a couple things feel rusty: The cars, the lack of cell phones, Robert De Niro's cheesy leather jacket, the relentless cigarette smoking and, most strikingly, the fact that anyone could bring guns on airplanes like they were Altoids. Everything else feels fresh. 

So, excepting all of the styles, trends, societal cultural norms, technology and laws that are different, IT HASN'T AGED A DAY.  Basically, it's 100% fresh in the sense that it's a movie about criminals and cops, some of whom are good guys and some of whom are bad guys, and those kinds of movies still get made in 2013.

It's just as funny as it was 25 years ago, the action moves briskly, and the chemistry between De Niro (as bounty hunter Jack Walsh) and Charles Grodin (as the Duke, an on-the-lam accountant who stole $15 million from a mob boss) remains ridiculously good.

Charlees Grodin!  There's an actor who makes you think "This movie definitely isn't from the 80s--gotta be more recent than that, right?"

When I retweeted Sepinwall and added "Is this Moron Number One? Put Moron Number Two on the phone" (one of Dennis Farina's many classic moments), 

"Classic move by me to pick that quote, don't you think?"

my Twitter replies quickly filled with other Farina one-liners. That made me wonder if I'd found the right medium for my annual "Movie Quotes As Awards" breakdown of the NBA's busiest offseason month. Two days later, Farina passed away at 69. Now it had to happen.

Without that inspiration, who knows what flick Bill might have chosen to fill out his unimaginative and pointless "[sports event] is just like [movie]!" template this time around.

Quickly on Farina: I first remember him during Season 1 of Miami Vice, 

DOESN'T IT SEEM LIKE THAT SHOW JUST ENDED????

when he played a wisecracking mob boss named Albert Lombard. By the end of his last episode, you liked him, you feared him, you laughed with him and, strangely, you wanted him to stay alive. (Retroactive spoiler alert: He didn't.) NBC jumped on the momentum by giving him the leading role in Crime Story, an innovative cop drama that never made it. Two years later, he stole every one of his scenes in Midnight Run and could have been nominated for an Oscar, but since Academy Awards voters don't respect or appreciate comedies, astonishingly, nobody from Run got nominated for anything.

I have never seen Midnight Run all the way through, but have seen the whole thing in pieces, and I can promise you that while it's an above average movie its lack of Oscar recognition is about as tragic as Zoolander's lack of Oscar recognition.

At that point, you would have bet anything that Farina was going to become a star 

And he did.

— a funnier James Gandolfini, basically — only it never happened. 

If you think Farina's resume is not that of a star, at least on some level (WHAT LEVEL OF STAR WAS FARINA?  IS JOE FLACCO ELITE?????), you know even less about pop culture than I already thought you didn't.  

That's Hollywood for you. Some people never find the right part, and there's more luck involved than you'd think. 

ONLY I AM ENOUGH OF A HOLLYWOOD INSIDER TO KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

Once upon a time, David Chase agonized about casting Gandolfini or Michael Rispoli as Tony Soprano. Had Rispoli ended up with that role, there's a good chance we're remembering Gandolfini as the unforgettable bad guy in True Romance and that's it. Farina never landed his Sopranos-like break, but Midnight Run's Jimmy Serrano lives on and on. He's one of the best things in one of the most rewatchable, funny movies ever made. This column is dedicated to him.

Please, no one tell Farina's family about this.

Last note: No movie used more F-bombs more effectively than Midnight Run. As much as it kills me, I'm dashing out all those F-bombs for this column, just because of their sheer volume. 

And because I would never directly admit it, but I'm letting ESPN's desire to make Grantland as mainstream as possible subjugate my editorial authority.

And if you don't like it, I have two words for you.

I HAVE TWO IMPLIED WORDS FOR YOU THAT I WILL NOT BE SAYING DIRECTLY!

Technology Could End This Industry

Thanks to reader A-Dave who sent along this NPR story about StatsMonkey, a program generated by Northwestern University which has the potential to computerize journalism. The program takes the input of a baseball game's boxscore and generates an article about the game - replete with stats, events, and even integrating quotations and pictures of the players.

Here's the project's website at the Intelligent Information Laboratory at Northwestern, where they explain how the program works.

The system is based on two underlying technologies. First, it uses baseball statistical models to figure out what the news is in the story: By analyzing changes in Win Probability and Game Scores, the system can pick out the key plays and players from any baseball game. Second, the system includes a library of narrative arcs that describe the main dynamics of baseball games (as well as many other competitions): Was it a come-from-behind win? Back-and-forth the whole way? Did one team jump out in front at the beginning and then sit on its lead? The system uses a decision tree to select the appropriate narrative arc. This then determines the main components of the game story and enables the system to put them together in a cohesive and compelling manner. The stories can be generated from the point of view of either team.

A few thoughts on this:

1. I'd never thought of using Win Probability to do this - to determine the most significant plays in the game as the plays which change the WP the most. For example, it seems that the program can determine that before Larry B's broken-bat single down the third base line, Stanford Hall had a 4% chance of winning the game, but after that, his team had a 10% chance of winning the game. Therefore, Larry B is more clutch than David Eckstein.

2. If the code for this project ever goes public, you can imagine the Turing tests that will take place on this blog. I'm sure the computer generated stories will be better than HatGuy's sentimental diatribes on why his favorite teams need to win more.

3. Doesn't the quality of the output of these articles depend on the phrases coded into the machine's algorithms? For example, if the folks at Northwestern hire Jay to help them come up with a set number of phrases that describe a come-from-behind home run in the bottom of the seventh, that means every article that comes out of this program is stamped with Jay's inanity.

4. Someone needs to save sports journalism. Someone needs to walk into the compounds of sports news departments all over the country and deliver the news:

Listen, sportswriters, and understand. That StatsMonkey is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. It knows the clutch situations in the game without even listening to the roar of the crowd and the crack of the bat. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until your industry is dead.

I think this job falls to pnoles.

Jayson Stark's Weird Take on the 1998 Home Run Chase

Stark is a pretty legit baseball mind/writer. It's rare he appears on FireJay (although I did enjoy writing this unfunny post about him way back in the blog's infancy). But I think I have to call him out for one part of this A-Rod article. What he says is so strange that it sticks out like a sore thumb and serves as a glaring distraction from his point.

At times like this, I always tell the story of what it was like to follow Mark McGwire around in September 1998. I saw this man hit 17 of his 70 home runs that season. I saw records topple. I saw powerful numbers rise and fall.

But more than that, I measured the feat I was watching by who else showed up to catch the show. And by that I mean Bruce Springsteen. And Bruce Hornsby. And Barbara Walters. And MTV. And "Good Morning America." And many, many others just like them.

Springsteen- a pretty legit inclusion. Everyone else on that list- what? Hornsby had peaked in relevance about ten years earlier. Walters was more relevant then than she is now, but still. MTV? Who gives a fuck about MTV in the context of sports? Unless they're throwing a rock n' jock celebrity softball game, I sure as hell don't. I have no idea how you could possibly gain access to lists of people who attended baseball games more than ten years ago, but if you could, I bet a five minute scan of it from Cubs and Cardinals games played the fall of 1998 would yield at least ten more relevant names than Bruce Hornsby or Barbara Walters.

I guess Stark probably made this list based off of celebrities/networks/shows he actually interacted with that fall rather than just celebrities/networks/shows he heard were in attendance. Still really hurts his article, in my opinion. "A-Rod... steroids... tainted records... holy shit, did you know Bruce Hornsby was there when Sosa hit his 64th home run in 1998? That's when you know your sport is getting big: when Hornsby starts watching."

Bruce Hornsby. What the fuck?

Peter King: Pudgy, Clueless

See what I did with the title there? Expanding Jack M's joke? I know, it's really funny. That's why we make the big bucks, without even putting ads on the blog. Love to. Yes. Beautiful. Alright, enough of that.

This had to be one of the most dramatic Sundays in the 24 years I've covered the league. Around 9:30 Sunday night, I got Mike Shanahan on the phone (now there's a guy who was in the vortex of this compelling day)

It's useless "asides" like this that make Peter a bonafide zilcheroo. Great editorial, jackass. Thanks for filling your readers with that valuable extra tidbit of analysis. The Cowboys- now THERE'S a team with a batshit crazy owner! Buffalo- now THERE'S a town with shitty winter weather! Stuart Scott- now THERE'S a guy with only one working eye! Saying really obvious stuff with a "Now there's..." setup is fucking annoying.

and started telling him about the weirdness in Seattle, about Kurt Warner looking like a '58 Johnny Unitas, about Green Bay leading by 21 and trailing by one and winning by 23 (all in the same game), about Matt Cassel on the road against Brett Favre, winning his first start since high school ... and, well, I guess at one point I paused.

"What happened to the Colts?'' Shanahan said. "How'd they win?''

I don't need to hear Shanahan's tone of voice to know that he was humoring Peter. Yes, tell me another story! Ooh, that's exciting! It sounds like you had a really fun day watching football.

"Peyton Manning,'' I said. "Four offensive linemen out, Dallas Clark out, down 15-0 in the Metrodome, they can't run, Vinatieri misses a chip-shot and it looks like they'll lose, and Manning just, I don't know, wouldn't let them.''

"Wow,'' he said.

That is so neat!

Re: Denver's win over San Diego

The great thing about the (game winning two point) conversion was Cutler's coolness.

Oh yeah? Did it remind you of something one of your favorite QBs like Favre or Brady would have done?

I always say what makes Manny Ramirez such a great hitter is he treats an at-bat in the World Series the same as he treats one on March 17 in Bradenton.

1. I'm not sure this is true.
2. You had hundreds of available football comparisons. Why did you choose this?
3. Cutler has never played a playoff game, and as exciting as Sunday's game was, it took place more than three months before the playoffs start.

Same deal with Cutler.

Yeah, I saw Jay taking some hacks down in Florida this spring. He looked pretty calm. Needs to work on his baserunning, though.

But can you argue with Shanahan's call, now that you've heard his logic, even if Cutler hadn't converted?

Christ. Check your verb tenses, Joe Morgan. Someone get this guy an editor. At least Joe spins his webs of grammatical nonsense on live TV. Doing the exact same thing in a print column is inexcusable.

Re: Green Bay's win over Detroit

Maybe rocky times will be coming for Aaron Rodgers, but when?

"It's only two games,'' he cautioned via the cell phone Sunday evening.

Too bad. Looks like Peter already has Aaron's phone number. You know, they say that after a breakup you need time to heal before getting into another relationship. Otherwise, you get into that nasty rebound cycle and people can get hurt. Has Peter just replaced you-know-who with Rodgers? I guess time will tell.

Rodgers is in a weird spot with Favre.

Thanks mostly to the media. And specifically, you.

At the end of last season, the formerly chilly relationship got warm, with Rodgers going to Favre's home for dinner. But a frost settled over the friendship in the offseason, when Favre retired and then came back, hopeful of getting his old job back, a job the Packers had given to Rodgers. When they both went to the ESPYs in Los Angeles, they didn't connect, even though they were in the same audience.

ESPY-related gossip. Fascinating, relevant stuff.

I asked if the relationship was harmed forever.

"I sure hope not,'' Rodgers said. "I have so much admiration for Brett. I would love for the relationship to go back to what it was.''

Did the Packers even play a game on Sunday? Who gives a shit! Rodgers and Favre may or may not be friends anymore (that is, if they even were in the first place)! I would rather read about the fucking Patriots than this.

New England 19, New York Jets 10

What a segue!

Matty Ice.

Bill Belichick wants Cassel to steer the ship. In the Meadowlands, he led the Patriots to five scoring drives in eight possessions, and on the ninth and final possession of the day, he did what the Patriots dreamed he'd do but probably didn't think actually would happen. He knelt on the ball for the final play of the game, before a two-thirds-empty stadium.

Overdramatize things much? As if the Patriots had absolutely no prayer of winning the game... then heroically perservered, and came out on top thanks to following their dreams and believing in themselves.

On fourth-and-three from the New York 29 with 1:56 left, out of the shotgun, he had dumped a safe five-yarder to Wes Welker to get a new set of downs and seal the game. He didn't try to do too much, just end the game.

Oh yeah, most QBs are going for the end zone in that situation. Gotta pad those stats. Making the safe, game sealing play? Fuck that. That shit is for pussies. My name is Rex Grossman, and I'm here to throw touchdowns.

If he keeps doing that, he might invite comparisons to the last unknown quarterback the Patriots thrust in the lineup after an injury to a famous quarterback.

Fuck you, Peter. Fuck you with an Estes rocket.

But let's not go there yet. Way, way, way too early.

Too late.

Next to the phrase "game-manager'' in Webster's, there is a photo of Matt Cassel.

Trent Dilfer and his Super Bowl ring? A thing of the past. Tell me about a guy who's virtually guaranteed to be better than Tom Brady by week 6: Matt Cassel.

Quote of the Week II:

"I spoke with Mr. Fisher. I asked him what was going on and he proceeded to tell me about getting a call from Vince Young's therapist and she was worried about him. I asked him, 'What made her worry about him?' He stated, 'His mood, his emotions, he is injured, he wants to quit, and he mentioned suicide several times.' He went on to state that [Young] left his house with a gun.''
-- Andrea N. Swisher, Nashville Metropolitan Police officer, in her report of the Vince Young drama Monday night.

Interesting. You know, it's a strange saga going on for the Titans there. I wonder how they're going to deal with it in the long term. Head coach Jeff Fisher sure has his hands fu-

"Mr. Fisher'' is Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH. That's who. I thought you were referring to recently deceased chess star Bobby Fischer, but had forgotten that he was dead, forgotten that he doesn't/didn't have any association with the Tennessee Titans, and had misspelled his name.

Quote of the Week IV:

"I'm sick about Tom Brady.''
-- Peyton Manning.

Did he really keep a straight face (or normal voice, if delivered on the phone) when he said that?

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Re those quarterbacks you saw in East Rutherford Sunday afternoon:

Favre, through two weeks, has earned $1.41 million in base salary.

The three New England quarterbacks on the active roster -- Cassel, Matt Gutierrez and Kevin O'Connell -- are scheduled to earn a combined $1.16 million in base salary this year. For the full season.

Up is down! Down is up! Cats are making friends with dogs! Future HOFers nearing the end of their long term contracts which they signed at the end of their prime make a lot more money than completely untested career backups! Nothing is as it seems!

Adrian Peterson vs. Walter Payton.

I thought of this Sept. 8, when Peterson, of the Vikings, ran over Green Bay's Al Harris on the left sideline on one romp and cut across the grain for a 34-yard scamper, leaving Packers defenders grasping. I know, I know. Payton did it for Chicago for 12 years. Peterson's done it for one. This new element of my column is not intended to say I think the modern guy is as good as the former guy. It's designed to compare a star from today to a star from yesterday in terms of style of play, greatness and personality.

Talking to Peterson last year, I liked the fact that rushing 20 times for 224 yards at Soldier Field meant something to him because he was doing it on Walter Payton's turf. Most young players don't appreciate history, but Peterson not only knew who Payton was, he knew he ran something like him.

So we're giving an NFL player who grew up playing running back points for knowing who Walter Payton was. Huh. Tell you what- I didn't think O.J. Mayo was very mature until I heard him mention during an interview that he was a big fan of Michael Jordan. Can you imagine? What a guy!

The Awards Section

Offensive Player of the Week

Jay Cutler, QB, Denver. An amazing performance by an emerging star, who came back from throwing a costly interception in the fourth quarter, deep in San Diego territory -- allowing the Chargers to take a late lead -- and drove Denver the length of the field (aided by Ed Hochuli) for a touchdown pass to Eddie Royal with 29 seconds left. That made it 38-37, Denver. Shanahan (as noted earlier) chose to go for two. Then, cool as a cuke, Cutler bounced on the balls of his feet three times, a la Joe Willie, and fired a completed conversion pass to Royal between three Chargers.

Everyone break out "cool as a cuke" in conversation this week and see how it goes over. If your friends and colleagues react the same way I did, they'll think you just dropped an obscure racial slur.

Matt Cassel, QB, New England. A workmanlike day (16 of 23, 165 yards, no touchdowns or picks), but let's realize what this man did. In his first start in the NFL, and his first start at quarterback since a high school playoff game in 1999, he jogged onto Favre's new home field Sunday in New Jersey, and beat one of the top 10 quarterbacks of all time. Pats 19, Jets 10. Read Sports Illustrated this week (the big tease) for my take on how he got to the Patriots and who got him there.

I would sooner ride a hot air balloon into a hurricane, but thanks for the offer. Also: I fucking hate Matt Cassel already. What's it been, like 8 days? Awesome. Thanks Peter!

Ten Things I Think I Think

I'm not going to give the thoroughly misguided human (if he or she is indeed human) who began selling the Bernard Pollard Fan Club T-shirts online after the Tom Brady injury any more attention than this one sentence and this one question: What would your mother think of you if she knew what you were doing?

Take that, you possible non-human. You mom might be upset that you are celebrating someone else's pain. Maybe. Or, she might think it was enterprising of you to make money off something as ultimately meaningless as this. Could go either way.

Vince Young reminds me of who Bruce Springsteen wrote and sang about in "Glory Days.'' And Young's glory days were in Austin, not Nashville.

You've never heard that song, have you?

I think it's going to be a tough few nights sleeping for Ed Hochuli.

I bet- nay, I guarantee- that he's over it. San Diego still had 2 chances to win the game (on 4th down and on the 2 point conversion).

And I can't even bring myself to comment on any of his baseball related thoughts. Here, I'll summarize for you- Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay- good?, Red Sox, Red Sox, Yankee Stadium sad face, the Red Sox are the most interesting team ever, Peter King is a moron. That's all I got.

Good Thing Bill Self Didn't Leave Kansas

Gene Wojceichowski spells out all the reasons why this would have been a disastrous decision in an article from early last week. And if you're familiar with Gene, you should realize that when I say "spells out all the reasons," I mean "meanders through a poorly organized junkyard of thoughts and sentences."

Don't do it, Bill Self.

Don't take billionaire T. Boone Pickens' money, even if it means you could walk from Lawrence, Kan., to Stillwater, Okla., on a road paved with his cash.

Call me nuts, I really don't see the point of signing a contract just so you can make a road to your new place of employment out of money. Sure, you get there in style, but what happens next? I'll bet you wish you hadn't just wasted all your money on a bullshit construction project, that's what.

Don't become Dollar Bill,

I get it. Double meaning.

the guy who gets money whipped into leaving hoops heaven for what has become a hoops graveyard.

Yeah, I'll buy the "hoops heaven" part of that. But Okie State? As a graveyard? They were in the bottom half of the Big 12 last season, sure, but they made the dance every year from 1998 to 2005 and were in the stinking Final Four in 2004. They'd be a small fixer-upper, definitely doable for someone like self. You want a major conference "hoops graveyard?" Try Colorado, Northwestern, or Oregon State.

Don't leave Kansas for Oklahoma State. Not now. Not ever. And especially not after you just won one of the greatest Final Four championship games of all time.

How dare you show interest in your alma mater when Gene is still busy having the warm fuzzies? This is like getting mad at a Hollywood couple for breaking up because you really liked it when they played a couple in a movie.

But no matter how much OSU sugar daddy Pickens pulls from his money clip, Self should stay put. The cash might be greener in Stillwater, but the basketball will never be as sweet. How could it?

Well, OSU could win a national championship. Like I already said, they were two games away just four years ago. They're not some podunk D-II school. They don't have the long-term tradition of Kansas, obviously, but they could definitely be taken to similar short-term heights by a guy as talented as Self.

Pickens' money might be able to buy Self, but it can't buy what Self has at Kansas. And it will never buy what Self experienced in San Antonio Monday evening.

What? Money couldn't buy them an exciting national title game? I don't get it. Why is that fact a strike against OSU? Self's new contract at KU can't buy what he experienced in San Antonio last Monday either. That just has to.... happen. No one, not even Michael Jackson, can buy it. Unless "it" refers to a helicopter full of little boys.

List the the best Final Four national title games ever played, and Kansas' 75-68 overtime victory against Memphis will have to be on it. If it isn't, then you need a remedial course in how to be a hoops fan.

FACE on you, casual hoops fan who is considering arguing this point without even realizing it. And the question remains- what does this have to do with Oklahoma State? Are you saying the game wouldn't have been as exciting if Kansas weren't involved? BOOOOOOOOOO.

The Jayhawks were down by nine with 2:12 left in regulation. They were down by five with 83 seconds remaining. They were down by three when Mario Chalmers' 3-point attempt left his hands with a scant 3.4 seconds showing on the clock.

No way a bunch of guys in orange and black jerseys make the comeback. Not a chance. Only a program with the pedigree of Kansas could have pulled that off.

And he made it!

Oh yeah? Did he? I've forgotten- is this an article published on a major sports media outlet's website, or an excited voicemail left shortly after the game ended for a friend who doesn't have a TV?

With Memphis freshman Derrick Rose in his face, and another Memphis player flying toward him, hand outstretched for the block.

Feel free to watch the highlight more than twice so you can figure out who that mystery guy is, Gene. At the same time, am I going to go over to Youtube to figure that out? Hell no. That's why this blog is ironic. Just saying, that's lazy journalism.

Overtime couldn't match those last few minutes of regulation. Memphis was oven baked by then. The Tigers had missed what would have been game-clinching free throws in those final minutes before OT, and then missed fouling KU guard Sherron Collins before he handed it to Chalmers for The Shot.

"All I want to say is I thought we were the national champions," said Memphis coach John Calipari, who was in full zombie mode after the stunning loss. "And that's the great thing about college basketball and sports. Within 30 seconds they make a play and it's OT, and it's on again."

Self now sits happily atop the college basketball world. He's there because of Memphis' mind-boggling collapse, and because KU's players took full advantage of every one of the Tigers' mistakes.

"Maybe just got a little luckier today," said Self.

Article... slowly wandering off topic... pretty much just summarizing shit everyone already knew....

And, we're back!

But now it gets complicated. Oklahoma State is going to make a run at Self. A Tulsa World columnist was throwing around rumored numbers of a $6 million signing bonus and $3.5 million per year.

Could be true. Could be fantasy. But before you dismiss those sort of figures, remember that Pickens donated $165 million to the school to build a football stadium. The guy is a multibillionaire. Think Oprah's Big Give, but with a twang.

Now that's a topical reference. Who's your audience? Males aged 18-35. Who's a good cross-cultural reference for them? Oprah. That's why Gene makes the big bucks, folks.

Self said late Monday night that if Oklahoma State called, he'd listen.

"That's my alma mater," he said.

Alma maters are overrated. So is money.

So is the idea that just because an incredible game happened when a talented coach was in charge of team A, that there's no way said coach could guide team B to the same situation. Actually, it's not overrated, it's just dumb.

"I've said this last week: I would recommend [OSU] go in a different direction," said Self.

He would recommend it, but he isn't married to it.

"I want to visit with my athletic director," he said. "To be real honest with you, I love Kansas. I love my job here and hopefully it will be a situation where I can spend a long time here. I'm certainly not looking to leave, but [KU athletic director] Lew [Perkins] and I got to visit. I'm sure that'll happen in the next couple of days."

Hmmmm... wow, it's clear when you look back on the situation with full knowledge of what happened next, but I have to say that at the time there's no way you could predict that Self was just trying to get more money out of KU. His choice of language is so subtle. You can't really fault Gene for missing the clues here.

First of all, I always get nervous when someone prefaces their remarks with, "To be real honest with you," or, "To be real candid with you." Self does that a lot.

Oh Gene. You're so down to Earth and naive. You wouldn't make it five minutes in the big city, what with all your homely simpleton values. I bet you love it when a guy has a firm handshake and looks you in the eye when he talks to you.

Second, I thought Perkins was going to have a small seizure when I asked him about Self and the OSU dilemma.

"Please don't take away a great night," said Perkins, who added that he'd be willing to discuss the situation on Wednesday.

Yeah, sounds like a small seizure to me. What the fuck are you talking about?

But the question becomes: Is OSU's money worth trading mailing from Lawrence to Stillwater?

Job opening for text editor at ESPN.com.

The answer, of course, is no.

Perkins is one of the reasons the answer should be no. With Perkins you get an AD who has your back during good times and those times when Kansas' fickle, demanding fans have future memory lapses about what happened here Monday night.

Oklahoma State's AD, on the other hand, is Gary Buhse. If fans start complaining about a coach, he tracks the coach down, beats him up, and poops on him.

Kansas is going to offer Self a raise. That's a given. So it's not like Self is going to have to sell Amway products on the side to make ends meet. He can make millions at KU, or more millions at Oklahoma State. So it becomes a matter of how many yachts do you need to ski behind?

Skiing behind yachts... what? Is he talking about water skiing? You can't really do that, unless you have a badass James Bond super turbo yacht. Or is he talking about yachting and skiing, two activities usually associated with rich people? Your guess, as always, is as good as mine.

The chances of winning a national championship at Oklahoma State compared to winning one at KU are, oh, about the equivalent of a No. 12 seed beating a No. 1.

And, sorry, but if a recruit has to choose between Kansas and OSU, where do you think they'll go? Nine times out of 10, KU. Maybe 9.9 times.

"If you can get them on campus, if you can get them on campus when the [Allen] Fieldhouse is full, it's a hard place to say no to," said a coach who knows.

The coach? Bill Self.

Didn't see that one coming, did you. What a setup. Do they give Pulitzers for nonsensical online sports journalism?

Self was the last one up the ladder Monday night. He held a pair of scissors with his right hand and a few moments later, held the freshly snipped net with his left hand.

What poetry. Bill Plaschke would be jealous. The first time I read this article, I held a computer mouse with my right hand and my testicles with my left.

"I thought this would be great," he said. "It's a lot better than I thought it would be."

And it doesn't have to end. Unless he listens to his wallet and not his heart.

Gene Wojceichowski: aware of what is going on in the hearts and minds of everyone. Had Self chosen to leave KU for OSU, it wouldn't have been because his heart told him that building a champion at his alma mater is something even more enticingt to him than helping a perennial winner stay on top. It would be because he wants to get a bunch of money, make a road out of it through one of the shittiest parts of the entire country, and then walk along that road with hands in his pockets and a stupid grin on his face.

Reader Extra Participation Friday: Does It Get Any Better Than Something That Pretty Much Sucks?

First, a side note. You know how "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report," despite being obviously comedic in nature, are actually two of the best political/current events shows on TV? Well, I've accidentally (read: I am too lazy to find anything else) watched a fair amount of Winter X Games over the course of the past few days. And I'm seeing the exact same kind of "You wouldn't think they'd be this legitimately good!" phenomenon happening when it comes to broadcasting ability. Despite the fact that I really could give two shits about these events, I've noticed that the announcers have been superb throughout. They're informative, they're just funny enough, and they don't get in the way of each other or the visuals. Why can't we have that kind of announcing for, you know, the sports everyone actually cares about? I'm sitting here being entertained by Guy A and Guy B while watching dudes jump snowmobiles off enormous ramps. But when the World Series or the Super Bowl rolls around, you've got Tim McCarver and Phil Simms bending over backwards to find ways to ruin the broadcast. It ain't right, I tell ya.

SO ANYWAYS.

In this crazy mixed-up world there's one constant we can always rely on: if a movie was made between 1980 and 1994, Bill Simmons is going to love it.

Does it get any better than the first 30 minutes of "Sleeping With The Enemy?" You have Julia Roberts at her apex, living in one of the coolest summer houses in movie history, only she's married to a creepy rich guy with a mustache and severe OCD who puts on a sinister opera CD every time he's ready to have sex; says things like, "If I didn't know any better, I would think you're trying to provoke a quarrel with me"; gets upset if the bathroom towels aren't hanging at the same length; takes her sailing on stormy nights when she can't swim; and if that's not enough, regularly beats the crap out of her. What a great premise for a movie!

If you've seen this movie and actually agree with Bill, feel free to let me know with a comment. I won't be holding my breath. And if you're lucky enough to have not seen this movie, don't. I'm not going to say why or under what circumstances, but I've sat through it, and it's a piece of garbage. Especially the first 30 minutes. If Bill's gripping description right there doesn't convince you, watch the first two and a half minutes of this video. Really? Boy, I don't know- does it seem like anything could get any better than that? A tall order, but I've got some nominations. How about Vertical Limit? That movie eats balls, and I'd still rather watch it again over Sleeping With the Enemy. Take a look at Sleeping- you've got a 35 year old antagonist wearing an 80 year old's pants and a mustache that's probably attached with a piece of double sided tape. You've also got gripping dialog such as "We all forget things. That's what reminding is for." And you've got Julia Roberts stepping way outside her comfort zone to play a character who is simultaneously both tough and womanly. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It's corny, it's poorly written, and it couldn't be much less interesting.

Anyways, I'm rambling, because I love rambling about things that suck. (Why else would this blog exist?) So here's the Reader Extra Participation Friday assignment. Take your pick- either

a) List any shitty movie you can think of that is better than the first 30 minutes of Sleeping With the Enemy. I'm going with

-Vertical Limit
-Mission Impossible 2
-Spiderman 3
-Troy
-Vertical Limit
-The Wicker Man
-Batman and Robin

And so on and so forth. Or,

b) Come up with something else that's completely unremarkable and rhetorically ask if it gets any better than that. Such as

-Raisins
-"The Family Circus"
-Paperclips
-Shovels
-Lenny Kravitz
-Water
-Knock-knock jokes

OK, you've got options. Everyone jump right in. Don't be shy. Blanco was last week's winner, and JD took home the trophy* two weeks ago. Who else wants their 15 minutes of fame?

*Note- trophy may not actually exist.

Why Wallace Matthews Should Not Have a Job

This column, and Larry's Dennis Dodd column from earlier today have both lead me to believe that the more stupid, vague jokes per column, the less intelliegent the columnist.

Exhibit A: Wallace Matthews. Wallace is very stupid and doesn't understand baseball. Let's examine his diatribe against the New York Mets. It's full of real "humdingers", as someone from Jon Heyman's time would say. Oh, and not to mention, a healthy dose of WRONGism!

Time again to knock stuffing out of Mets

We'll give him a pass. It was written on Thanskgiving.

It is Turkey Day, which means it is once again time to brine, stuff, baste and roast the Mets.

Having enjoyed more free rides this offseason than a serial turnstile-jumper circa 1977, the Mets made a comeback on Tuesday by trading Guillermo Mota for Johnny Estrada, who is Paul Lo Duca, only worse.

Serial turnstile-jumper circa 1977??? Here's some solid advice, Wallace. Any dumb jokes or references that require most readers to do a Google search to understand are best left out. Apparently there was some sort of power outage in New York that lasted a couple of days in 1977. Big whoop.

If this article was about the minor leagues, he'd be saying, "The Mets' farm system is going through a position player famine worse than the fish market circa 1838!"

This was blockbuster news because previously, during the same time period in which the Yankees had lost to the midges, passed their ownership torch from George to Boy George, fired one guy named Joe, hired another and entered into negotiations with three big-ticket free agents, the only activity in Mets camp was the removal of a bunion from El Duque's foot.

Oh great! Let's criticize the Mets for not being active in the offseason by using the Yankees as a basis of comparison! The Yankees have done a ton of really stupid things this offseason, but that doesn't matter, because Wallace Matthews is crediting them for being active. Oh, if only the Mets gave $45M to an aging reliever, $52.4M to an aging catcher, and needlessly endured negative publicity by shortchanging then replacing a manager who was perfectly fine. Then they'd be on the right track!

At least they think it was a bunion. The guy's so old, it might have been a vestigial toe.

At this point, the fictional comedy club in Wallace's mind explodes with laughter.

So far, this offseason is shaping up as even worse than last year's, when the Mets at least had an excuse. Having failed to make it out of the 2006 NLCS by, arguably, one called strike, GM Omar Minaya believed, with some justification, that all his team needed was a turn of the wrench or two to make the adjustments that would put the Mets in the World Series.

This year, having witnessed the worst collapse in New York baseball history, Minaya knows it's going to take a lot more than that. The problem is, what the Mets need most can't be had on the free-agent market.

Worst collapse in New York baseball history: see 2004 ALCS

Okay, now for the meat of Matthews' point. What is this thing that the Mets need! It's a riddle. The only hint is: it's not on the free agent market. So that rules out servicable starting pitchers and another good outfielder. But....both of these things are actually things the Mets need! What could Wallace mean here?

Heart transplants are not available.

Oh.....HEART transplants! We're in Eckstein territory! I don't think anyone told Wallace that Eckstein is a free agent!

Character can't be bought even for A-Rod type numbers.

Actually it can. 4 years of character can reportedly be bought for $36M. The Mets are apparently interested in this man, and you're still clueless.

As far as we know, not even BALCO has figured out how to bottle killer instinct.

Killer instinct. Because baseball is a sport in which you need killer instinct. Because you're always trying to use physical aggression to outfight somebody for something in baseball. This is what's wrong with the Mets, people!

Worst of all, Estrada looks to be just another part-time player on a roster that is chock full of same. Aside from David Wright at third, Jose Reyes at short and Carlos Beltran in center, the Mets don't have one everyday player who looks capable of playing a full season.

Whew. Ignorant lunchpail-alert Wallace is gone. We're back to ignorant WRONG Wallace.

Is Carlos Delgado really a part-time player? He's failed to log 500 at-bats once since 1996.

Ditto with Luis Castillo since 1999.

Then there are the corner outfielders: Moises Alou, who is a good half-player, or half of a good player, managing to appear in 87 games last season; Endy Chavez, who made it into 71 games, Lastings Milledge, who showed improvement but was lucky to make it through the year with his head still attached to his shoulders, Marlon Anderson, Ben Johnson and Carlos Gomez. Help.

Okay, you did a great job of exaggerating this problem. These 6 guys compete for 2 spots in the starting lineup.

"Team X is having serious problems. They have 5 guys that can catch, but they're never all healthy at the same time!"

As for first base, wouldn't Carlos Delgado look so much better in an American League uniform? At least you'd see him only four times a game.

Carlos Delgado, 2007: +9 FRAA. Carlos Delgado's fielding is not a reason the Mets failed in '07.

Which brings us to the starting pitching. Right now, it's El Duque, a man of indeterminate age, and Pedro Martinez, a man of indeterminate ability, although being in the walk year of his contract can only help. John Maine is dependable, but as for the lone lefty, he's Oliver Perez one start, Oliver Hardy the next. Cover your eyes when Mike Pelfrey and Phil Humber are given the baseball.

Oliver Hardy. What. The. Fuck.



That is a picture of Oliver Hardy. Wallace Matthews just made a joke that sometimes, Oliver Perez pitches like an actor who was born in the 19th century.

Oh yeah, and "cover your eyes" when Phil Humber, one of the best prospects in baseball, is pitching. He threw 7 innings last year. Call it quits on this one, boys!

Happy Thanksgiving, Mets fans. Enjoy your bird today, because a diet of turkey doesn't go down nearly as well in April.

Citizens of New York, fear Wallace's horrific tales of indigestion to come!