Peter King: Fat, Stupid, and an Embarrassment to Journalism

Is there any way he could ask dumber questions? I understand that not every question a reporter gives to a star is going to be hard-hitting and thought-provoking. But this asshole takes the idea of tossing softballs to ridiculous levels. Check out his interviews with three NFL quarterbacks from this week's MMQB. After each section, I'll write what I think he probably asked each in order to get the answer. When you're done, ask yourself if King has helped you learn anything substantive about these players.

First, Ben Roethlisberger and his risky decision to dive for a touchdown on a scramble towards the goal line in spite of having a hurt shoulder:

"Heck no,'' he said after I asked if he had thought twice about exposing his shoulder to that risk. "I will never ... Casey Hampton said to me on the sidelines, 'What are you doing scoring? Why didn't you just go down at the one?' I said, 'Hamp, don't you know by now? That's my heart.' I'm a competitor. I want to get in the end zone. And I want to win. Period. I don't think about running the clock out. I don't think about saving myself. It'll take someone to bring me down. It's the competitive side. [Coach Mike Tomlin] tells me, 'Don't take a hit. Get down, slide.' You have to pick your battles. You have to know when to do it. In that situation, it's competition.''

King's question: "So, Ben, do you like to win? Are you the kind of guy who wants to give it all for his team, play like a champion, and be an inspiration all of America? Or would you rather play it safe, and not play like a champion and not try to win?"

Next, a certain Jets QB who Peter would be happy to butt-tongue if given the chance, regarding (surprise, sur-fucking-prise) his future:

"And it's been great. It hasn't been all smooth, but I've enjoyed it. I'm having fun. Now, if we were 3-8 instead of 8-3, I know I'd be back on the farm next year and it'd be over. But I'm just going to play as hard as I can every week the rest of the way and we'll see how it goes.''

No promises about next year. He just doesn't know yet, and he's not allowing himself to think ahead. He did think ahead about one thing Sunday, though.

King's question: "Brett, are you pretty much done thinking about this season? Have you pretty much decided that it's time to stop worrying about anything that happens between now and February, and just start thinking about whether you will grace us with your presence for one more year? Or are you still kind of thinking about how your team is 8-3 and rapidly becoming a playoff contender? And if so, what is your strategy for the rest of this season- are you actually going to try, or are you just kind of going to half-ass it?

Also, can I drink some of your urine?"

Similar idea for New England's Matt Cassel:

The easiest way to get put off by the polite Cassel is to mention he's about to be a free-agent, and he's about to make a jillion dollars somewhere in 2009. He knows. He's not stupid. He just doesn't want to hear about it now.

"We'll see,'' he said. "I honestly don't think about it. I just want to keep playing, and let that take care of itself when the end of the year comes.'' Smart man.

King's Question: "Matt, are you at all thinking about this season anymore? Granted, your team is still in the thick of the wild card and division title hunt. But have you decided not to worry about that, and just pretty much mentally check out? Do you spend all your time obsessing over getting a big contract from a new team next summer?"

Seriously, fuck this guy. What a zilch. Oh, and a nice little hypocritical complaint from PK at the end of his predictably awful 10 things he thinks he thinks:

If I read one more story about where LeBron James might play two years from now, I'm going to puke.

Yeah, you've never run a story into the ground or anything. Never happened. No way you would ever strongly contribute to the media's infatuation with a story that gets incredibly fucking old.

Peter King doesn't get it

Peter King opens his mailbag for his Tuesday edition of MMQB here.

On the second page of the story, here, King responds to the question: "Do you think the NFL should adopt the same overtime rules as they have in college? Alternating possessions and then, after the third OT, they have to go for two. Can you imagine if the Jets and Pats would have traded scores a couple of times Thursday night and the excitement it could generate?''

How's the weather out in Iowa today, Brandon? Bet it's chilly.

Glad we've got this out of the way.

I've never been in favor of the college overtime rule for pro football, but I have been a constant advocate of the rule that each team should have one possession, minimum, in overtime.

I think I see where you're going. This seems fine. Let's see how you make your point.

It's ridiculous that a coin flip should have so much bearing on the outcome of a pro football game,

It is a fact that last Thursday night, when the Jets called tails, and the coin came up tails, the game was automatically declared over and the Jets were winners. Wait, you're saying the Jets still had to play the game and score?

and I don't want to hear that the team that won the toss and received the ball to start overtime has won only 54 percent of the overtime games on that first possession in the history of the system.

This statistic is bull shit.

First, if the team that won the toss scored on their first possession 54 percent of the time, there'd be way more uproar.

John Clayton, in 2002, wrote this piece in which he wrote "Since [1974], there have been 330 overtime games. Only 93 games were won by teams who won the coin toss and then scored on their first possession. That's only 28 percent."

Assuming that the percentage of NFL games that go into overtime hasn't changed drastically in the last six years, there'd have been roughly 66 overtime games between the time Clayton wrote his article and today. If every single one of those 66 games were won by teams who won the coin toss and scored on their first possession, that would make 159 out of 396, or, 40%.

Also, I don't know if I trust this completely, but RealClearPolitics (covering sports for some reason) reported that at the end of 2006, the percentage of overtime games that were won on the first possession was 29%.

I wouldn't care if it were 50 percent, or 42 percent. Every game takes on an individual quality, and the fact that you HAND the ball to a team to start a period without the other team being assured it will have an equal chance to score has always been patently unfair.

Each team has an equal chance of winning the coin toss. The team that loses the coin toss apparently gets a chance to win the game 71% of the time, after stopping their opponents on the first possession of overtime.

The proposal I favor has been shot down by the Competition Committee on several occasions.

Certainly not because it's a stupid proposal. They're just anti-Peter King.

The winner of the overtime coin flip would get a possession, and the other team would get a possession, and if one team does not have more points than the other at the end of the two possessions, then the team that scores next wins.

Peter King just suggested, in writing, that the current system is awful because the team that wins the coin toss gets the first shot at breaking the tie and winning the game. Now, he suggests that if both teams ended the first possession of overtime tied, the team that won the coin toss get the first shot at breaking the tie and winning the game.

Each team had 60 minutes to prove they were better than the other. It didn't happen. Another possession for each doesn't make damn bit of difference.

I've heard lots of arguments against it, but most notably that a defense can win a game in overtime by stopping the coin-flip winner on the first possession ...

What? The best argument against your system is that a defense can win the game for a team by stopping the team on their first overtime possession? Did I miss the sentence where you wrote that, under your suggested overtime rules, the loser of the overtime coin toss wins automatically if their defense forces a punt or turnover? Or, am I right in assuming that the team's offense would still have to score?

and that it would needlessly add time to games already destined to be three-and-a-half hours long. Fairness overrides each one of those arguments.

For national writers, the Patriots losing an overtime game without getting the ball once overrides each of these arguments.

Peter King: Monday Morning Ramblings of a Mindless Idiot

The Fine Fifteen

2. Tennessee (9-0). So who's going to beat the Titans now? The remaining sked: at Jacksonville, Jets, at Detroit, Cleveland, at Houston, Pittsburgh, at Indianapolis. Imagine if the Titans are 15-0 heading into Indianapolis. I don't care if the Colts are in it, out of it or have a playoff seed wrapped up, Dungy will play his guys. As will Jeff Fisher. He told me after the game Sunday, "We'll play our players'' for 16 games. No rest for the Titans.

Awesome, now we know what the Titans will do IF they win their next 6 games. Thank god, now I can sleep at night.

3. Baltimore (6-3). His name is Joe Flacco, not Joe Flucco.

Expert explanation of a complete non-problem, while not at all explaining why you have them ranked 3rd. Journalism!

4. Indianapolis (5-4). Not too long ago, the Colts were coming off bad losses to Green Bay and Tennessee. They were 3-4. They were on the verge of ... well, on the verge of nothing good. So they scratched and clawed and beat the Patriots 18-15. They took advantage of two ridiculously fluky tipped balls by Ike Taylor that fell into Reggie Wayne's hands, and Peyton Manning did the rest. A great, gallant win. Colts 24, Steelers 20, at the Ketchup Bottle.

Two weeks ago, The Colts were 3-4; then they won two games. Somehow they're at 5-4. Don't know how it happened.

7. Carolina (7-2). Ever seen a team play worse and win by double digits? Carolina 17, Oakland 6. Jake Delhomme: 7-of-27, a 12.3 rating. Yecch.

Everyone knows that you need to hit the requisite 52.0 QB rating for a well played game.

8. Tampa Bay (6-3). In the time between last week's column and this one, the Bucs did not practice. Not once. Jon Gruden didn't give his players a bye week. He gave them a bye-bye week. Smart move. You think his players won't come back hungry to play hard for him the last seven weeks?

1. It's fairly common for coaches to give their teams the whole week off.
2. "Bye-bye week?" Are you fucking serious? How much does anyone want to bet that Peter King walks around the office saying "Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mundays!"

11. New York Jets (6-3). The final of 47-3 doesn't really matter. It could have been 67-3. What matters is Thomas Jones and Brett Favre are making beautiful music together, and Kris Jenkins has changed the run defense for the better, and a bunch of guys in the secondary America's never heard of (Abram Elam, Dwight Lowery, etc.) are playing great football the past two weeks.

The AFC East gets to play the NFC West and AFC West this year. Every single team in that division is over .500 for that reason (No AFC East is in Football-Outsider's top 10 in weighted DVOA). So let's not start having to clean the cum out of our pants just because the Jets beat up on the Rams.

p.s. The Jets lost to the Raiders.

12. Washington (6-3). I bet a lot of money Jim Zorn, Coach Well-Rounded, did not spend his bye Sunday in the den watching Ravens-Texans. My guess is he took a long bike ride. Or hiked in the Shenandoahs. Maybe sailed in the Chesapeake Bay.

I bet a lot of money Peter King was easting a box of donuts while writing this column.

15. (tie) Miami (5-4). "The people outside this locker room might be surprised we're over .500,'' defensive lineman Vonnie Holliday said from Miami afterward. "The guys in this locker room aren't surprised at all.''

Did Holliday actually say that, or did King just copy and paste it out of the book "Most Painfully Generic Sports Quotes Ever."

Someone put an end to MMQB, please

6. New England (5-2). If you had told me the Pats would lose Tom Brady in the first hour of the first game, and would play a quarterback as green as Kermit the Frog, and would play like the '76 Bucs in losses to the Dolphins and Chargers, and would be 5-2 and tied for first in the division midway through the season ... well, let's just say I would have wondered if you were all there.

And, if you'd have told me that Peter King would continue to be fat. And, Peter King would continue to be lazy. And, Peter King would continue to oggle Brett Favre. And, Peter King would continue to annoy every NFL player with 3 am text messages eight weeks into the season ... and, and, and, and ... well, let's just say I would have completely believed you.

9. Chicago (4-3). Twenty-five career starts for Kyle Orton. A little early to start thinking about Orton being the long-term quarterback, but it has to be something Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith are pondering.

On the one hand, it's too early to start thinking about this. But, on the other hand, the GM and coach are thinking about this.

14. Atlanta (4-3). Every game Matt Ryan has to struggle and get bloodied and knocked down and go through adversity is another game closer to making him a top-10 quarterback in the league.

For the record, things that make you a top-10 quarterback in this league:

1. Rocket arm
2. Ridiculous precision on passes
3. A solid understanding of NFL defenses
4. Ability to go through progressions accurately
5. Some valuable skill players would help

...

67. Taking a beating, struggling with your passing, getting bloodied, getting knocked down, going through adversity, and going 23-44 with two interceptions in week eight of your rookie season.

Stat of the Week

Chad Pennington is money on money drives. I find it amazing that a man who got to Miami less than a month before opening day can know the offense as well as Pennington does. How well does he know it? Miami has had 16 touchdown drives in its seven games this year. On those 16 drives, Pennington has completed 88.9 percent of his passes (56 of 63).

What's a money drive? I take it to be, roughly, the last two minutes of the first half, or at any point in the fourth quarter when your team is ahead by less than eight or trailing. Peter King, you define it as, well, as any drive ending in a touchdown pass. So, you're saying that on drives that ended in a touchdown pass - the ultimate success for a quarterback - he was good at completing passes? Got it. What a stat of the week.

e. The legend of Matt Ryan grows. How'd he thread the needle past Asante Samuel for that 55-yard TD throw to Roddy White?

Same way he managed to throw the aforementioned two picks and assist in losing the game.

g. Who's thinner, Jimmy Johnson or Jennifer Aniston?

Let's see ... we can figure this out ... is the answer A or B?

h. Europe finally saw some offense. 2008: 69 points in London. 2007: 23 points in London by the Giants and Miami.

Yesterday in London: perfect weather, the Chargers with a very solid offense, versus the Saints, who you mentioned earlier can't stop anyone. London, circa 2007, pouring rain, with the Giants, a defense you laud just about every single week, and the Dolphins, who were very, very bad at scoring points last season.

Also, when you say "finally," can that refer to the second occurrence of one thing being better or substantially different than the first? Ponder this: let's say Matt Ryan had had a really awful week one, but a phenomenal week two. Would Mr. King have written, "Finally, Matt Ryan has a good game?"

Somehow, I doubt it.

6. I think -- and I said this all week -- that there are so many reasons why Kellen Winslow is probably not long for Cleveland, but there is one overriding one: money. The staph-mania is a legitimate story, and the Browns have to continue their vigilance to make sure the infections don't continue to be any more of a problem in Cleveland than they are for any other franchise. But the biggest source of tension Winslow has with the team is that he's had two very good years and two years when a knee injury kept him off the field.

Biggest concern for Cleveland: money.

Concerns listed by King: Staph infection, and Injuries keeping him off the field.

b. Who's better on play-action than Chad Pennington? You've got to see how he froze the Buffalo front on a first-half touchdown throw.

Peyton Manning says, "hello." Also, the point of play action is not to freeze the front, but rather the secondary, into thinking it's a running play, so that your receivers can get behind them.

i. Andre Johnson had a 41-catch, 593-yard October for Houston. That would translate to 164 catches and 2,372 receiving yards for a full season. This just in: You've got to mention Johnson with Randy Moss (who had his 800th catch Sunday) and Larry Fitzgerald among the elite wideouts.

One month does not a career make. Johnson has had two 1000-yard seasons in his first five seasons. Moss is eight for his first ten.

9. I think I've got this piece of old business from the Favre-Matt Millen-Packers love triangle broken last week by Jay Glazer on FOX: Millen told Favre last week that Detroit defensive coordinator Joe Barry was the source for the story that Favre discussed Packer offensive stuff with Millen. Barry has declined to comment on the story. I have tried to reach Millen, without success.

I did speak to Favre last week. He is steadfast that he gave the Lions nothing of substance, including the kind of code words a quarterback would say at the line that would indicate an audible or specific change of play, and is adamant that what FOX called "a 90-minute dissertation on every single thing that the Green Bay Packers do on offense'' never happened. Without Millen's side of the story, I can't substantiate that one way or the other.

When you first spoke to Favre, you basically reported that he hadn't contacted the Lions at all. Shortly thereafter, you reported that Favre had spoken to the Lions, but it may or may not have been about substance.

Excuse me for pointing out you're possibly the least biased person to ever tell us what's happening in the life of #4.

a. Guess I was wrong about the Rays. That's the thing about a short series. You get a couple of guys in a slump (Carlos Pena, Evan Longoria) and it's all over before they can get out of it.

It's 3-1. It's a best of seven series. It's not over yet.

d. There are about 10 movies I want to see. Recommendations?

They all suck. On second thought, you might like High School Musical 3.

Peter King: Fat, Oblivious

So, there you are tubby. You look like a bucket of lard on a bad day. You baby gorilla. Why don't you work a zoo, and stop bothering people.

Kerry Collins is back, and he's not going anywhere. I don't know how many quarterbacks in the NFL today can go on the road, play the most fearsome defense in football, take a mugging for three-and-a-half quarters, then drive his team 80 yards in 11 plays to win the game. How many, really? Four? Five? I don't know.

That's right, you don't know. Much like anything that's not related to Denny's Grand Slam menu, you're totally clueless. Here's a little bit of information: Joe Flacco was having a terrible day against Pittsburgh last week, then led an 80 yard TD drive at the end of the 4th quarter. Does that make him one of the four or five best QBs in the league? No, no, no, no, and no.

Also, Flacco and Collins stats from Sunday:

Collins: 17/32, 163 yds, 1 td, 2 int
Flacco: 18/27, 153 yds, 0 td, 2 int

Kerry Collins: HOF Class 20??

The Giants are a pretty deep team. What must Plaxico Burress have been thinking in Miami or New Jersey, if he had his TV on Sunday? There was his sub, Domenik Hixon, rushing and receiving for more than 100 yards in the first half against Seattle before going out with a slight concussion, and there were the Giants, crushing the Seahawks 44-6, with their best receiver serving a one-game suspension.

My guess is he was thinking, "Shit, I could've padded my stats to a ridiculous degree against this embarrassing excuse for a football team. Holy shit, look at that white guy in the secondary! FUCK!"

Seriously, is Peter King really that dumb that he can't deduce the following:

IF Team A has an epically bad defense
AND Team B has an above average offense
THEN it doesn't mean shit that the Giants scored 44 points against the Seahawks without Burress

The Fine Fifteen

1. New York Giants (4-0). This is not only a defensively intimidating team and offensively efficient team, but also a very deep team. Tom Coughlin suspends his best receiver for a game, and his plug-in guy, Domenik Hixon, probably the fifth receiver coming out of training camp, outgains Seattle 117-115 and out-touchdowns the Seahawks 1-0 in the first half.

This is a commentary on the Seahawks, not the Giants, you dumb fuck.

2. Tennessee (5-0). Best game by a quarterback with a 52.0 passer rating in a long, long time.

No, it was a shitty game by a guy who had a 52.0 passer rating, but his team managed to win in spite of him.

4. Pittsburgh (4-1). No team in the history of NFL byes needs a bye like the Steelers right now.

Wait, the Steelers have injuries to important players? That has literally never happened to an NFL team before. I also literally shit my pants when I read that last sentence.

9. Baltimore (2-2). Joe Flacco's quite a bright prospect. Joe Flacco worries the heck out of me.

Me: Hey Peter, do you think I should go to the beach today?
PK: Yeah, go for it. The beach is a lot of fun.
Me: Great, I'll go get--
PK: But the beach can also be really boring and not fun.
Me: Uh...thanks, brah.

c. I've nailed you a few times, Warren Sapp,

PROBABLY NOT THE ONLY NFL PLAYER UV NAILED, LOLZ!!1

h. Kyle Orton looks more and more like the answer for Chicago, at least temporarily.

So, in other words, he may or may not be the answer. You see, that's Peter King using his access to tell you things that you, the average slack jawed American, could never figure out.

4. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 5:

b. In Wisconsin, at 1:05 p.m. local time Sunday afternoon, the Brewers were down 5-0 and the Packers down 17-7.

20 years from now, we'll all be able to tell our kids where we were at 1:05 pm on Sunday October 5, 2008.

f. This isn't Delaware, Joe Flacco. The strength of your arm won't get the ball through defenders. They'll catch it here.

I get it Flacco sucked. He's not that great right now. Might not ever be. But he threw the exact same number of picks as your new man hero, Kerry Collins, so please at least be consistent, you fucking asshat.

b. One other dumb playoff baseball thing: During the White Sox-Rays opening game, TBS showed 2008 fights between the Rays and Yanks, then the Rays and Red Sox, and Harold Reynolds said this sent a signal that the Rays wouldn't be pushed around by the power teams of their division anymore. Presto! Division title. What crappola. The Rays have been fighting for years. They brawled with the Sox in 2000 and finished 69-92. They brawled with the Sox in 2004 and finished 70-91. They brawled with the Sox in 2005 and finished 67-95. If you're going to use clichés, at least make them true.

The irony is too much.

g. First two games of the BoSox-Angels series ended at 1:25 and 1:29 a.m., respectively. There's some East Coast love.

Angels season ticket holders should be required to skip work to accommodate Peter King, et all East Coast baseball fans.

i. You're the smart one, Bill Plaschke. You recognize Manny Ramirez quit on a great team once, and he'll do it again. In the first three innings Saturday night, Ramirez scored from first on a hard double to right, then tagged up at first base and went to second on a medium-deep fly to center field. I can guarantee you that in eight years in Boston he didn't do those two things in one season, never mind twice in one three-inning stretch.

Looking at game logs will no doubt prove Peter King right. Don't bother questioning the legitimacy of his claim.

l. Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history -- George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick.

Yep, that's the reason Brian is funny...because he is a maverick. Look out Dean of Cinema and Telvision Studies at USC, this guy's gonna eat your lunch...LITERALLY!

Peter King: Pudgy, Clueless

See what I did with the title there? Expanding Jack M's joke? I know, it's really funny. That's why we make the big bucks, without even putting ads on the blog. Love to. Yes. Beautiful. Alright, enough of that.

This had to be one of the most dramatic Sundays in the 24 years I've covered the league. Around 9:30 Sunday night, I got Mike Shanahan on the phone (now there's a guy who was in the vortex of this compelling day)

It's useless "asides" like this that make Peter a bonafide zilcheroo. Great editorial, jackass. Thanks for filling your readers with that valuable extra tidbit of analysis. The Cowboys- now THERE'S a team with a batshit crazy owner! Buffalo- now THERE'S a town with shitty winter weather! Stuart Scott- now THERE'S a guy with only one working eye! Saying really obvious stuff with a "Now there's..." setup is fucking annoying.

and started telling him about the weirdness in Seattle, about Kurt Warner looking like a '58 Johnny Unitas, about Green Bay leading by 21 and trailing by one and winning by 23 (all in the same game), about Matt Cassel on the road against Brett Favre, winning his first start since high school ... and, well, I guess at one point I paused.

"What happened to the Colts?'' Shanahan said. "How'd they win?''

I don't need to hear Shanahan's tone of voice to know that he was humoring Peter. Yes, tell me another story! Ooh, that's exciting! It sounds like you had a really fun day watching football.

"Peyton Manning,'' I said. "Four offensive linemen out, Dallas Clark out, down 15-0 in the Metrodome, they can't run, Vinatieri misses a chip-shot and it looks like they'll lose, and Manning just, I don't know, wouldn't let them.''

"Wow,'' he said.

That is so neat!

Re: Denver's win over San Diego

The great thing about the (game winning two point) conversion was Cutler's coolness.

Oh yeah? Did it remind you of something one of your favorite QBs like Favre or Brady would have done?

I always say what makes Manny Ramirez such a great hitter is he treats an at-bat in the World Series the same as he treats one on March 17 in Bradenton.

1. I'm not sure this is true.
2. You had hundreds of available football comparisons. Why did you choose this?
3. Cutler has never played a playoff game, and as exciting as Sunday's game was, it took place more than three months before the playoffs start.

Same deal with Cutler.

Yeah, I saw Jay taking some hacks down in Florida this spring. He looked pretty calm. Needs to work on his baserunning, though.

But can you argue with Shanahan's call, now that you've heard his logic, even if Cutler hadn't converted?

Christ. Check your verb tenses, Joe Morgan. Someone get this guy an editor. At least Joe spins his webs of grammatical nonsense on live TV. Doing the exact same thing in a print column is inexcusable.

Re: Green Bay's win over Detroit

Maybe rocky times will be coming for Aaron Rodgers, but when?

"It's only two games,'' he cautioned via the cell phone Sunday evening.

Too bad. Looks like Peter already has Aaron's phone number. You know, they say that after a breakup you need time to heal before getting into another relationship. Otherwise, you get into that nasty rebound cycle and people can get hurt. Has Peter just replaced you-know-who with Rodgers? I guess time will tell.

Rodgers is in a weird spot with Favre.

Thanks mostly to the media. And specifically, you.

At the end of last season, the formerly chilly relationship got warm, with Rodgers going to Favre's home for dinner. But a frost settled over the friendship in the offseason, when Favre retired and then came back, hopeful of getting his old job back, a job the Packers had given to Rodgers. When they both went to the ESPYs in Los Angeles, they didn't connect, even though they were in the same audience.

ESPY-related gossip. Fascinating, relevant stuff.

I asked if the relationship was harmed forever.

"I sure hope not,'' Rodgers said. "I have so much admiration for Brett. I would love for the relationship to go back to what it was.''

Did the Packers even play a game on Sunday? Who gives a shit! Rodgers and Favre may or may not be friends anymore (that is, if they even were in the first place)! I would rather read about the fucking Patriots than this.

New England 19, New York Jets 10

What a segue!

Matty Ice.

Bill Belichick wants Cassel to steer the ship. In the Meadowlands, he led the Patriots to five scoring drives in eight possessions, and on the ninth and final possession of the day, he did what the Patriots dreamed he'd do but probably didn't think actually would happen. He knelt on the ball for the final play of the game, before a two-thirds-empty stadium.

Overdramatize things much? As if the Patriots had absolutely no prayer of winning the game... then heroically perservered, and came out on top thanks to following their dreams and believing in themselves.

On fourth-and-three from the New York 29 with 1:56 left, out of the shotgun, he had dumped a safe five-yarder to Wes Welker to get a new set of downs and seal the game. He didn't try to do too much, just end the game.

Oh yeah, most QBs are going for the end zone in that situation. Gotta pad those stats. Making the safe, game sealing play? Fuck that. That shit is for pussies. My name is Rex Grossman, and I'm here to throw touchdowns.

If he keeps doing that, he might invite comparisons to the last unknown quarterback the Patriots thrust in the lineup after an injury to a famous quarterback.

Fuck you, Peter. Fuck you with an Estes rocket.

But let's not go there yet. Way, way, way too early.

Too late.

Next to the phrase "game-manager'' in Webster's, there is a photo of Matt Cassel.

Trent Dilfer and his Super Bowl ring? A thing of the past. Tell me about a guy who's virtually guaranteed to be better than Tom Brady by week 6: Matt Cassel.

Quote of the Week II:

"I spoke with Mr. Fisher. I asked him what was going on and he proceeded to tell me about getting a call from Vince Young's therapist and she was worried about him. I asked him, 'What made her worry about him?' He stated, 'His mood, his emotions, he is injured, he wants to quit, and he mentioned suicide several times.' He went on to state that [Young] left his house with a gun.''
-- Andrea N. Swisher, Nashville Metropolitan Police officer, in her report of the Vince Young drama Monday night.

Interesting. You know, it's a strange saga going on for the Titans there. I wonder how they're going to deal with it in the long term. Head coach Jeff Fisher sure has his hands fu-

"Mr. Fisher'' is Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH. That's who. I thought you were referring to recently deceased chess star Bobby Fischer, but had forgotten that he was dead, forgotten that he doesn't/didn't have any association with the Tennessee Titans, and had misspelled his name.

Quote of the Week IV:

"I'm sick about Tom Brady.''
-- Peyton Manning.

Did he really keep a straight face (or normal voice, if delivered on the phone) when he said that?

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Re those quarterbacks you saw in East Rutherford Sunday afternoon:

Favre, through two weeks, has earned $1.41 million in base salary.

The three New England quarterbacks on the active roster -- Cassel, Matt Gutierrez and Kevin O'Connell -- are scheduled to earn a combined $1.16 million in base salary this year. For the full season.

Up is down! Down is up! Cats are making friends with dogs! Future HOFers nearing the end of their long term contracts which they signed at the end of their prime make a lot more money than completely untested career backups! Nothing is as it seems!

Adrian Peterson vs. Walter Payton.

I thought of this Sept. 8, when Peterson, of the Vikings, ran over Green Bay's Al Harris on the left sideline on one romp and cut across the grain for a 34-yard scamper, leaving Packers defenders grasping. I know, I know. Payton did it for Chicago for 12 years. Peterson's done it for one. This new element of my column is not intended to say I think the modern guy is as good as the former guy. It's designed to compare a star from today to a star from yesterday in terms of style of play, greatness and personality.

Talking to Peterson last year, I liked the fact that rushing 20 times for 224 yards at Soldier Field meant something to him because he was doing it on Walter Payton's turf. Most young players don't appreciate history, but Peterson not only knew who Payton was, he knew he ran something like him.

So we're giving an NFL player who grew up playing running back points for knowing who Walter Payton was. Huh. Tell you what- I didn't think O.J. Mayo was very mature until I heard him mention during an interview that he was a big fan of Michael Jordan. Can you imagine? What a guy!

The Awards Section

Offensive Player of the Week

Jay Cutler, QB, Denver. An amazing performance by an emerging star, who came back from throwing a costly interception in the fourth quarter, deep in San Diego territory -- allowing the Chargers to take a late lead -- and drove Denver the length of the field (aided by Ed Hochuli) for a touchdown pass to Eddie Royal with 29 seconds left. That made it 38-37, Denver. Shanahan (as noted earlier) chose to go for two. Then, cool as a cuke, Cutler bounced on the balls of his feet three times, a la Joe Willie, and fired a completed conversion pass to Royal between three Chargers.

Everyone break out "cool as a cuke" in conversation this week and see how it goes over. If your friends and colleagues react the same way I did, they'll think you just dropped an obscure racial slur.

Matt Cassel, QB, New England. A workmanlike day (16 of 23, 165 yards, no touchdowns or picks), but let's realize what this man did. In his first start in the NFL, and his first start at quarterback since a high school playoff game in 1999, he jogged onto Favre's new home field Sunday in New Jersey, and beat one of the top 10 quarterbacks of all time. Pats 19, Jets 10. Read Sports Illustrated this week (the big tease) for my take on how he got to the Patriots and who got him there.

I would sooner ride a hot air balloon into a hurricane, but thanks for the offer. Also: I fucking hate Matt Cassel already. What's it been, like 8 days? Awesome. Thanks Peter!

Ten Things I Think I Think

I'm not going to give the thoroughly misguided human (if he or she is indeed human) who began selling the Bernard Pollard Fan Club T-shirts online after the Tom Brady injury any more attention than this one sentence and this one question: What would your mother think of you if she knew what you were doing?

Take that, you possible non-human. You mom might be upset that you are celebrating someone else's pain. Maybe. Or, she might think it was enterprising of you to make money off something as ultimately meaningless as this. Could go either way.

Vince Young reminds me of who Bruce Springsteen wrote and sang about in "Glory Days.'' And Young's glory days were in Austin, not Nashville.

You've never heard that song, have you?

I think it's going to be a tough few nights sleeping for Ed Hochuli.

I bet- nay, I guarantee- that he's over it. San Diego still had 2 chances to win the game (on 4th down and on the 2 point conversion).

And I can't even bring myself to comment on any of his baseball related thoughts. Here, I'll summarize for you- Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay- good?, Red Sox, Red Sox, Yankee Stadium sad face, the Red Sox are the most interesting team ever, Peter King is a moron. That's all I got.

Peter King: Fat, Annoying

If I have to tell you the two major themes in Peter King's MMQB column, then clearly you're not a golfer.

From his "Fine 15":

New York Jets (1-0). "We didn't even have a chance to discuss this before the play was called,'' Eric Mangini told me, regarding the lottery pick of a touchdown pass from Brett Favre to Chansi Stuckey in the first half at Miami. It was fourth-and-13 at the Miami 22, and the Jets had no kicker because, for the moment, Mike Nugent had a bum thigh, and so Favre, under heavy pressure, threw it up deep.

"That's something that only a smart player would know -- throw it down to the end zone, and the opposition catches it, who cares? The worst thing would be to take the sack and give them the ball in good field position. Brett knew just to throw it and take the chance.'' The ball, I said to Mangini, would not have been thrown by a quarterback who cared about his quarterback rating. "Absolutely not,'' he said.

Boom, bang, kablammo! (That's the sound of either your head or your bathtub whiskey distillery exploding)

1. Wouldn't an experienced quarterback have found an open reciever who was past the first down line, rather than heaving a jump ball into the endzone?

2. Quarterbacks who worry about their quarterback rating are usually worried about two things: throwing balls their receivers can catch, and not throwing interceptions.

3. When was the last time a QB was accused of purposely sabotaging a hail mary attempt because he didn't want his QB rating hurt by a likely interception? The answer: never.

From the: What I learned about football that I didn't know last week section:

The NFL passed a rule in April to allow communication between the sideline and one defensive player on the field, the same as offensive coach-to-quarterback communication. Theoretically, this would take away some of the advantage an offense has had for several years, with coaches being able to call plays into a quarterback's ear until the 15-second mark on the play clock.

But because many defensive players don't play every snap, the rule allowed for a second player to have a speaker in his helmet, but only if the first defensive player wasn't in the game. So the second player needs to have two helmets: one that he'll wear when he's not getting the play called into him, and one with a speaker in the helmet. To prevent a team from having both players with the speaker in the helmet in the game on the same play, the NFL decided to put a man in an official's hat and white official's pants on each sideline to guard the backup defensive-communicator's helmet.

Thoroughly confused? Or thoroughly disgusted?

There are 267 games in the NFL this year -- 256 regular-season games and 11 more in the playoffs. Thus, the NFL will spend $80,100 for those three employees to do their sacred duties at each game.

You know, I agree; it is pretty stupid that the NFL has to employ three people per game just to make sure this doesn't happen. You'd think that it'd be something that officials would notice. If the NFL were a government organization, and my tax dollars went to it, I might be pretty disgusted.

But guess what PK, the NFL makes a shit load of money. They make more than $80,100 off the first 100 people through the gate at most stadiums. And considering that they just had a season that was marred by a cheating scandal, that $80k seems like a small price to pay for peace of mind.

Also, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the NFL doesn't hire millionaires to make that cooshy $30/per hour salary, so it's probably going to people who will spend that extra 100 bucks a week immediately; thereby helping the economy (if you believe in the trickle up theory, which I do). So your righteous indignation is just idiotic in every way.

The Way We Were

The first in a year-long (or longer) series comparing players of today with those of long ago, or not so long ago. In this section, I'll compare players who, for reasons on and off the field, could have switched places in time and been similar.

Brett Favre vs. Sammy Baugh

I didn't read this comparison, nor will I ever. Let's see if I can stomach next week's comparison between Tom Brady and a former college quarterback that was killed in Vietnam.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week:

Sometimes I forget the things that annoy me on the road, and Saturday, at an NBC rehearsal for the 2008 TV season, Bob Costas reminded me of one.

At hotels now -- and this has been happening for four or five years -- when you order room service, the male or female waiter who comes to the door always asks: "May I come in?''

Which prompted Costas, coming off a month in a hotel in Beijing, to say: "May I come in?! No! I'll eat the meal in the hallway! What do you mean, 'May I come in?' ''

Good point, Bobby.

Choose your own adventure time:

Repulsed by hypocrisy: Weren't you outraged by the NFL spending $80,000 to make sure there was no cheating, and now you're talking about getting room service on NBC's expense account?

Sarcastic: Who's writing this column now, Jerry Seinfeld and Gregg Easterbrook?

Logical explanation (with sarcasm): I've never been with a woman in a hotel (or anywhere for that matter), but I imagine that many guys take women there. I wouldn't be shocked if these men and women often engage in sexual congress that goes on and off throughout the night, causing them to miss their dinner reservations and call down for room service. I know this is going to make me sound like a looney tune, but maybe, just maybe these men and women are naked when the room service guy arrives with the food. Maybe he asks "may I come in," because his hotel manager has gotten complaints from angry rich people about the room service guy coming in, when the people just wanted their food left outside. I know it's really far out there, but it's just a theory of mine.

From 10 Things I Think I Thought while washing down those 12 queso burritos from Qdoba with a Cinnabon/chocolate milk combo that I liquefied in my blender:

When Peter Gammons says the AL MVP is Dustin Pedroia, that gets my attention.

Mine too, like "Wow, should this guy still be allowed to communicate to a national audience?" or "Does he know who this guy on Pedroia's team is?" or "Can he even begin to fathom what this guy is doing statistically?"

The answer to all the previous questions: no.

For the record, Ocho Cinco is not "Eighty-Five'' in Spanish. It's "eight five.''

This is why Peter King gets paid the big bucks.

I think I'm starting to think Carson Palmer belongs in Jay Cutlerville. He hasn't been a commanding presence on the field for some time, I'd say going back to mid-2006, and I'm hard-pressed to think of him in the same league with the top five or six quarterbacks. I did put him there in my top 50 in the SI NFL Preview issue, but after watching him Sunday, I almost wish I could have that one back.

1. What exactly is the common denominator between Palmer and Cutler?

2. Really says a lot about your top 50 list that you're ready to abandon a guy after one week.

3. Did it ever occur to Peter King that Palmer's struggles might've had something to do with the fact that he was playing against a team that's only one year removed from being the best in the league? No because...

4. It's blatantly obvious to me that Peter King didn't watch the game, didn't read the AP report, didn't look at anything besides the score and Carson Palmer's numbers. If he had, he would've seen that Palmer was left out to dry by his offensive line and the one interception he threw was a pass that should've been caught but was bobbled into Ravens' CB, Chris McAlister's, hands.

Said McAlister, "good football analysis by Peter King, nevermore."*

*He didn't actually say that, but that's what I imagine him saying to me, if I ever get to hang out in his hotel room with him after the Ravens win the Superbowl after going 19-0.

Peter King: Fat, Stupid

Reading MMQB is like going to Chipotle. Every time you walk in, you hope it's going to be as good or better than Qdoba, but it never is. The point I'm trying to make is that Qdoba's steak queso burrito is outrageous, New York Magazine called it "a playful but mysterious little dish." Also Peter King probably eats 12 or 13 of those a day.

VINDICTIVE MANNY STAT OF THE WEEK

The first month on new jobs for Manny Ramirez and the man who replaced him in Boston, Jason Bay:

Manny:
AVG: .415
OBP: .508
H: 44
HR: 9
RBI: 25

Bay:
AVG: .315
OBP: .358
H: 35
HR: 4
RBI: 29

Ramirez is unconscious, as we figured he might be, trying to show the Red Sox didn't appreciate him.

Get it? Because Manny is sometimes lazy in the outfield. He makes a lot of stupid mistakes. I guess the main bullet point of my presentation would be that Manny Ramirez isn't a very good fielder.

But Bay's been superb with runners in scoring position, and 29 RBIs in August -- in any month, for that matter -- is big-time production.

Yes, RBI's, the great equalizer among all hitters. In no way are RBI's related to your teamate's ability to get on base. Take your "unconcious" .508 OBP and jam it up your ass Manny.

Later in the column:

Is Dustin Pedroia a real person? He just had a 43-hit month, with six home runs. He is 5-foot-8, maybe. He just went 4-for-4 on back-to-back nights, reaching base 10 times in 10 appearances in the two games. Terry Francona batted him cleanup twice. Ozzie Guillen pitched to David Ortiz and intentionally walked Pedroia. Ozzie Guillen said, "I just [intentionally] walked a jockey.'' This is an amazing story we're watching.

So in sum:

Over the past month, Pedroia and Manny have almost the identical number of hits, and Manny has 3 more home runs. Here's how Peter King sees it:

Manny = Asshole having flukey month
Pedroia = The most amazing story ever! I texted Pedroia to ask him how it feels to be having the greatest season ever, and he wrote back "Plz stop txting me." His focus is unbelievable!

1b. I like the reinstatement of Pacman Jones, or Adam Jones, or whatever his name is this week.

Notice PK's use of the nickname Pacman Jones...

1k. The Dayton Daily News, one of the papers covering the Bengals daily, has begun referring to Chad Johnson as Chad Ocho Cinco, from the looks of Saturday's paper. "The week leading up to the Baltimore game represents the first full week of practice time Ocho Cinco, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Carson Palmer will have together since the 2007 season finale at Miami,'' beat man Chick Ludwig wrote Saturday, apparently with a straight face.

Are you fucking kidding me? In 1b, you refer to a player by his nickname, and then 9 bullet points later you deride a writer for referring to a player by the nickname they legally adopted. You are a fat asshole.

It's a Peter King Column- Who Or What Do You Think He'll Be Talking About

Did you guess puppies? Maybe impressionist paintings? A certain Southern gentleman who's been known to endorse inexpensive jeans? Hmmmmmm......

Quote of the Week V

"I'm retired ... Something's bound to happen.''

--Brett Favre, on The David Letterman Show on Thursday night.

Remember Chauncey Gardner, the Peter Sellers-played savant in Being There who made plain pronouncements that somehow world leaders began taking as life-altering parables? (You had to see it. Too complicated to explain if you haven't.)

Sounds like it probably wouldn't need to be explained if you had seen the movie. But thanks. Excellent journalism here.

Sometimes we try to turn things into Favreisms.

I don't remember ever doing that.

Too many things. The best thing we all can do -- and this comes from someone who has majored in Favre-ology --

With a minor in Romo-nomics!

I would like to immediately apologize for that.

is just sit back and see what happens. Favre doesn't know what his future holds, only that he's 85 or 90 percent sure he'll never play another snap of football.

Look at Peter, offering estimates and numbers and odds. I love it. Where did he get that? What was that number at back in March? Where will it be in August? I hope we get updates on it. Personally, I give Favre a 50%-ish chance of coming back. But I wouldn't say that to King's face, particularly if he were holding a hot beverage.

Ten Things I Think I Think

3b. Why is the lead item on the ESPN scroll during the first hour of the predraft show about Brett Favre appearing on the cover of the Madden video game? Other than pimping a sponsor, what remote news value does that have?

Why is he upset about this? Maybe because it reminds him that Brett theoretically won't be playing next fall? What a double edged sword any visage of #4 must be to King.

9. I think I've got two sporting bets on whether Brett Favre plays again. I say no. He'd better not play. I've got $3 at stake here.

Said with all the intentional insincerity of a guy who's like "Boy, I sure hope I don't end up dating a Victoria's Secret model at any point- she'd be making more money than me, and that would be awkward!"

This is officially the worst post in FJayM history, but I felt obligated to point out that Peter King mentioned Brett Favre three separate times in a column that came out the day after the NFL Draft. Now, to be fair, he also included a fair amount of draft coverage as well. And most of it was inoffensively mediocre. But shouldn't that have been enough subject matter for a column? Do we really need the Favre stuff, too? I would humbly argue that we do not. And by "humbly argue," I mean, write very poorly on an irrelevant blog that has four regular readers.

Quick Peter King Update

Thanks to reader Erik for alerting me to the fact that King is always writing ridiculous bullshit, even during the offseason. Neither of these items from last Sunday's column really requires a lot of analysis. Just soak them in.

I think we need to let Matt Leinart live his life and not freak out when photos show up of him in a hot tub with four bikini-clad girls. Tell me something: What's wrong with a very eligible bachelor hanging out with attractive girls (apparently very much of age) in a hot tub some night early in the offseason? I heard a TV person call the photos "disturbing.'' Why is it bad for Leinart to be photographed with four pretty girls in a hot tub, doing nothing but smiling for the camera?

I haven't seen the picture. I bet not everyone's hands are visible, though. Dick joke.

Now, I guess it's not the best image to have Leinart, in another photo, delivering a beer to a girl in one of those college funnel-type apparatuses, but again, tell me what there is to be outraged about? Is there proof that any of them are 17?

Well, no, I guess not. The ol' "But officer, she told me she was probably 18" defense. Peter King, you are a creep. I think it's worth pointing out that with his loose-living ways and seemingly friendly, down-to-Earth, good ol' boy personality, Leinart has a lot in common with a young Brett Favre. No wonder King is rushing to his defense.

Had a moving movie experience the other day at an IMAX theater in New York. I saw U2 3D, the three-dimensional film of a U2 concert in Buenos Aires in 2006. If you like U2, and you're within an hour of a 3-D theater somewhere in the world and the movie is still playing, you simply have to go. For $16 (or whatever it costs where you see it), it's the closest thing -- damn close, really -- to actually being in the middle of a pulsating crowd with Bono wailing out, Where the Streets Have No Name, with your leg bouncing up and down. Incredible. Bono's in your lap. The bouncing crowd, jumping up and down, is all around you.

In Erik's words, Peter is really "sexing it up" here. Personally, I'd rather Bono not be in my lap.

For Once, Dr. Z Entertains Me Without Being Flagrantly Dumb

Dr. Z is a lot of things. Crusty old crummudgeon. Possible asylum escapee. Poor writer. Idiot. But this is his day in the sun at FireJay, because he just wrote a very entertaining piece which not only claims that Brett Favre could've been a whole lot better but also calls out the media for constantly handling him with kid gloves. Now, I'm not a Favre/Packer hater. I acknowledge that he's great, and I really don't have anything horrible to say about him. The tone of what Dr. Z does here probably takes things a little too far; I mean, Favre has the all time win, TD and yardage titles in addition to a ring. It's a nearly peerless resume and should be treated as such. But I'm excited about this piece simply because it's such a breath of fresh air.

Who has guts to subtly shit all over a surefire hall of famer less than 12 hours after he retires? Who's going to implicitly call out John Madden and Peter King (along with others) for refusing to hold Favre to the same standards they use on every other QB in the league? Who's going to question whether or not he was the greatest QB in Packer history by referencing two guys no one's ever heard of from the 40s and 50s? Dr. Z, that's who. Hey, you don't land a lady like the Flaming Redhead unless you've got balls down to your shoes. There's a reason he looks so happy with himself in his CNNSI file photo. He says what he wants, when he wants, and that makes him a real man.

Remember the night in Oakland, when it was iffy whether he'd play, following his father's death? Four TD passes and 399 yards in the air was the legacy he left out there. But there were downers, too, and it only hurt Favre that the knights of the TV screen always were ready to make excuses for him.

His fourth quarter and overtime meltdown against the Giants last season, which put a sad end to a remarkably classy season? Never mind ... the redemption of the Giants' field-goal kicker was the angle. The goofy, looping interception that cost the Pack the Eagles' game in OT in the divisionals in 2004? Oh, let's put it on the defense for allowing McNabb his fourth-and-26 completion in regulation.

Always ready to make excuses, always braying about "what a good time he's having," that was the continual barrage from TV. Maybe a few frowns, a stern reprimand or two, might have toned down the wild maverick a little, but gosh, he sure is having fun out there. And that's what the game is all about, isn't it? Fun, boys acting like men and so forth.

Facial.

Also, I forgot to award a winner for last week's reader extra participation Friday. Thanks to everyone who submitted (Even you, Archie the Possible Cokehead. And yes there are still winners. Keep trying.), but I've got to hand this one to Matt for pointing out that:

Worst: Chess. Don't get me wrong, I like chess. But when Bobby Fisher died recently,players quoted in the flood of resulting articles kept citing all Fisher "had done for our sport." Seriously? Sitting at a table for days & taking hours to decide in which direction you want to move a tiny piece a total of about 3" qualifies as a sport? I think I burn more calories taking a dump than a chess player does in an entire match. Plus the title "Grandmaster" sounds suspiciously like "Grand Wizard," and that's just racist.

By A: almost never being on TV and B: not requiring any movement out of the participants (we're not counting moving your arms to move the pieces, fuck that), chess failed to meet two of my three stated criteria for being a "sport." So really, this submission shouldn't even count. So why am I giving it the title anyways? Fuck, man. Now that I think about it "Grandmaster" does sound a little bit racist. And wasn't Bobby Fisher a well-known anti-Semite? It's 2008, International Chess Governing Body Association Incorporated. I think it's time we moved past that kind of thing.

(Note: posts that point out what a fucking disaster Dr. Z is to resume shortly. This is a one time deal.)

Peter King, Please Shut Up

First, let's briefly hand out the Reader Extra Participation Friday award for last week. Lots of good submissions, and thanks to everyone who threw their hats into the ring, but I'm going to award the title to Jones.

Moon launch: rockets make it possible

I mostly laughed at this because I could see it actually being on the cover of Popular Mechanics sometime in the early 60s. And without rockets, we wouldn't have this moment.

Next, let's do something painful and review why Peter King is annoying. From his "non-NFL thoughts of the week." (Yes, I know this blog is allegedly about sportswriting. But if this dummy is going to pop off at the mouth about other things while in the process of writing a football column, it's fair game.)

b. Finally saw Michael Clayton. Very good movie. Not as good as No Country for Old Men, or Charlie Wilson's War, but I believe if I were writing a blurb for the newspaper ad for Clayton, I would write: "Taut legal thriller.''

Wow. You have a way with words, my friend. How long did it take you to come up with that? It's so simple... yet so accurate. Watch your back, guy who currently writes newspaper ad blurbs for movies. There's a new guy who wants to do what you do (if you actually exist) in town.

c. Len Pasquarelli was up and about and feeling well in his Phoenix hospital room Sunday, just seven days after his bypass surgery. "Let me tell you something,'' Pasquarelli, the ESPN.com pro-football maven, reported from his bed Sunday afternoon, after his first post-bypass shower. "There's no better feeling in the world than your first shower after a heart attack.''

What does that mean? Len? Maybe you should just lie back down for a couple more days.

d. Coffeenerdness: No coffee news this week. None. Had a lot of tea, actually, coming off my bronchitis/virus/ear infections. Filled to the gills with the green tea, just like Phil Simms advises.

Phil Simms- health adviser to the stars. Does he have any recommendations as to how I should deal with my scoliosis? What about acne? Scurvy? Rickets?

e. Do people realize how silly they look and sound, even with Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) in their ears, to be cackling and talking loudly and gesturing with no one around.

Apparently King is still familiarizing himself with the concept of cellular telephones. Given how often he claims to text players, this is surprising. Either that or he wants to draw some meaningless distinction between hands-on cell usage and bluetooth-enabled usage.

OK, I think that was sufficiently awkward and painful.

I Can't Believe I'm About To Agree With Gregg Easterbrook

[Side note to start off the week- Reader Extra Participation Friday kind of bombed last week. What happened? Too obscure of a topic? Nobody likes me anymore? It's that, isn't it. Good to see that my life has transitioned from having no real life friends to having no internet friends. Anyways, I'm declaring Blanco112 this week's winner for the following shitty athlete sales pitch:

"One more thing to consider when it comes to Kris Benson: the possibility that he cheats on Anna has got to buy him a few extra years on his contract, right?"

Only if he signs with a team that plays in New York. Anyways, I'm hoping we get a better turnout next week. It's fun for everyone. Come on. Please?]

Anyways, like I was saying, I can't believe I'm about to agree with the official TMQ of FireJay. But given that I'm doing so in the context of pointing out that Peter King is a slimeball, I think it's worth it. King's thoughts on one of his co-workers:

Tiki Barber does not miss football. He does not regret his decision to retire, even though the Giants have made the Super Bowl.

It's true. You can choose not to believe me if you'd like, but you'd be wrong.

Some of you may know that I work with Barber, the former great Giants' running back, at NBC, and you'll think I'm only writing this because I'm either protecting him or I believe a lie he is telling me. Neither is correct. But I understand why you would feel that way.

I like Barber, and I've spent much of the fall defending him to staunch Giants fans who are mad as hell at him for criticizing coach Tom Coughlin on his way out the Giants' door last winter and for questioning the leadership of quarterback Eli Manning last summer. My feeling all along has been that once Barber signed to work for NBC, he was no longer a member of the Giants, and he was obligated to give his honest opinion about all 32 teams in the NFL, including the one he knew best, the Giants. When NBC signs your check, it's not a disloyal thing to criticize the coach you used to play for if you feel the criticism is legitimate, and it's not a disloyal thing to say Manning is a lousy leader if that's how you feel. It's not only not disloyal. It's honorable.

The part about "not disloyal" (now that's some clunky diction!) might be true. I mean, I guess once Barber left the Giants he wasn't technically obligated to show them any respect, because they weren't signing a paycheck for him anymore. But honorable? Honorable? I admit that as a 23 year old who has held all of one full-time and four or five part-time jobs in his life, I may not be the foremost expert on professionalism. Still, I'm pretty sure that trashing your old teammates and coach unsolicited on national TV less than a year after you all were part of the same organization is dishonorable as hell. Put more simply, it's sleazy. It's low. It's unprofessional. And in the context of providing analysis, it's basically irrelevant. Yes, Barber's role at NBC is to give his opinions about certain aspects of the NFL. But I hardly think his personal perceptions and biases relating to former teammates' personalities fall within the boundaries of that role. Giving an opinion about whether or not Team X has a good offensive line is one thing; giving an opinion about Player Y's personal makeup and behind-closed-doors persona is entirely another.

The relative lack of outcry about Barber's comments indicates that perhaps media consumers are attracted to the idea of an "inside scoop" about current players and coaches. Let's air out that (alleged) dirty laundry! Hell, what's that new game show that NBC just started last week? "Lie Detector Secrets That Ruin Families?" America loves that kind of shit. And from his professional standpoint, King certainly seems to think that "insight" of this sort is a valuable part of NBC's coverage. But neither of those opinions/implicit opinions make it a fucking "honorable" act to badmouth your former colleagues.

Next time you switch companies, spend your first lunch with your new co-workers talking about what a huge group of assholes your former employers were. See how it goes over. I understand that this analogy doesn't really replicate what Barber did, because he switched fields and became part of the media. His new job entails nothing but talking about his old job which is clearly not the same as being a forklift driver at Company A and then switching over to be a forklift driver at Company B. But the spirit of the comparison is fair, in my mind. What's the point of what Barber said earlier in the season? To establish why the Giants struggled at the end of last season, and the start of this one? He could have said it differently. He could have said nothing at all and stayed away as a matter of principle. It's not just the fact that it's a jerkoff thing to do; it's the fact that Barber has no way of knowing if maybe he wasn't the problem instead of Manning and Coughlin. I know he put up great numbers on the field, but maybe there was something about his presence off the field that slowed the team down. Do I know this as a fact? Of course not. But since there's no way to tell, why bother to guess? Leave the subject alone, and stick to commentary that doesn't slander your former co-workers.

Now, I'm not saying Barber can never badmouth his former team for any reason. It's his claims about personality-related stuff that I take issue with. If he wanted to say that Coughlin was consistently outschemed by opposing coaches, or that Manning was making bad reads when he dropped back to pass, that would be totally different. At least those two examples are less subjective and also things that couldn't possibly be Barber's fault.

In conclusion: honorable? Fuck that. Peter, please go kidnap Brett Favre and take him to live with you in a cabin in the middle of North Dakota for the rest of your days. If you want to grab Tom Brady on your way out there, that would be fine too.

If you're confused, the title of this post refers to the fact that Easterbrook has been bitching about Barber and his big mouth all season long. I guess I have to say I agree. I don't, however, agree with his claims that coaches would rather minimize margins of defeat in playoff games than try to win them or that successful running backs avoid looking at potential tacklers.

On a less angry note, (cue zany circus music to lighten the mood! Doo doo doodoo doo doo doooooo dooooooo dooooo doooooooo) here's one other highlight from this same King column.

Speaking of Super Bowl officiating, in examining the tape from the Week 17 Giants-Patriots game, I saw -- on both sides -- an awful lot of clutching and grabbing by corners and wideouts. The Carey crew will be challenged by how closely to call this game. If the crew calls it too close, there'll be grousing. If the crew calls it too loose, there'll be grousing.

Thank you for perfectly articulating the obvious. People are so darn hard to please, aren't they? If it's too hot outside, they'll complain. But if it's too cold, they'll complain about that! I'll tell you what else, too- if the Patriots score more points than the Giants, they'll win the Super Bowl. But if the Giants score more points than the Patriots, they'll win the Super Bowl. Write it down, folks. You heard it here first.

Several Things I Think I Think About Peter King

I'm sorry. That title is awful. But not as awful as certain parts of this.

If Pete Carroll ever gets to second base with Arthur Blank, I'm turning in my sportswriter's license. I give up. I will be ... well, let's see. What is the word beyond "shocked?'' Um, whatever that is, that's what I'll be.

How King anticipates coming across knowledge of this football-charged encounter, should it happen, is anyone's guess. I'm just really not sure the sexual metaphor works in this situation. Maybe stick to something like "If Pete Carroll is seriously contemplating coaching the Falcons..." Unless, of course, King's concept of second base is talking to someone for a long time. Sure, I'm not exactly Ron Jeremy, but I'm pretty sure I'd at least be touching a girl (if one ever stumbled into this basement) by the time I rounded first.

Tony Romo's girlfriend has nothing to do with his spirals. We all need to get lives.

I'm right there with you, Pete. You know what else has nothing to do with football? Brett Favre's wife. Yet she seems to pop up from time to time in your columns. You even plugged her book in your column last October. So... stuff it.

Atari Bigby. Great name. Played a great game for the Packers.

That's about as useless as journalism gets. I think you could get better analysis out of a drunk homeless guy who was sleeping outside Lambeau Field during the game.

I hope the Elias Sports Bureau, keepers of all NFL stats, take a look at replays of the lone sack Seattle was credited with at Lambeau. Because it wasn't a sack. Leroy Hill caught Brett Favre at the line of scrimmage in the first quarter and downed him for no gain. But Favre had pulled the ball down and was clearly attempting to run for it. I make the point only because I'm sure the Green Bay offensive line would take it as a badge of honor if the record showed Seattle, second in the league in sacks this season, was held sackless.

Wrong. You make the point because you have an epic man crush on Brett Favre. The thought of him getting sacked makes you cry like this kid.

Ever sit in a domed stadium for a playoff game? A swell time -- but only if you've got earplugs. The volume in the RCA Dome might be great for the home team, but it's a living, breathing headache for the impartial people. I've never seen Judas Priest in a phone booth, but I imagine the effect on the ears is about the same.

You goddamn kids and your crowd noise! Turn down that racket. Back in my day, we got slapped six ways to Sunday if we so much as opened our mouths at a sporting event.

Now this, this is just shoddy journalism right here. King is describing his visit a Green Bay sports bar and ensuing encounter with some Packer fans he allegedly met there.

But the Packers are No. 1, and people such as Robert Ruprecht are why. Our little crew -- including old pal Mike Silver, who is always ready to be led astray -- encountered Ruprecht in a classic Wisconsin tavern late Friday night. "I just want to tell you one thing," Ruprecht, a 39-year-old optometrist from LaCrosse told me, his eyes crystal clear. "When Brett Favre retires, I will cry. In fact, the day he retires I will call in sick. I won't be able to work."

OK, easy, big fella. Ruprecht was with five or six friends. and when Mike and I tried to make a little bit of light of their devotion, they weren't having any of it. And believe me, this was before the beer started flowing. "You don't understand," Ruprecht said. "I have lived through Randy Wright, David Whitehurst ... people used to leave free tickets under your wiper blades with a note saying 'please take these.' This guy Favre has brought us so much joy. He is the greatest Packer ever. To us, he's Michael Jordan. I am totally serious."

Now we had built up a little bit of trust and had been talking for a while. Here came the big guns. "This is going to sound weird," he said. "I dream about this guy. I dream that I'm going shopping with him. I'm not kidding. I'm just saying, we worship Favre."

And that was a little slice of time at Nicky's, a few long spirals from Lambeau Field.

Why is it shoddy journalism? King has clearly taken his own thoughts (and shopping-related dreams) about Favre and assigned them to some fictional characters. Just try to tell me every single one of those quotes didn't come for King's own mind. You'll have to work hard to convince me.

If Favre retires (which I don't think he'll do, but I have no more information on it than the man in the moon), he's nuts. He's too good, having too much fun, and, when you read SI this week, you'll find out how much his game means to his 8-year-old daughter, Breleigh.

See what I mean?

Peter King vs. His Readers In a Terrible Mailbag Showdown

Gregg Easterbrook's TMQ column was surprisingly inoffensive this week, so I'm skipping it. Maybe he's been reading my angry diatribes and is changing his ways. Probably not. Anyways I'll check back with him in 6 days or so. For now, let's move on to something else.

Sometimes I feel like making fun of a mailbag column for a post is cheating. Instead of just dealing with a dumb journalist like Peter King, I get to shit all over both the journalist and his (usuall) even stupider readers. It's the closest thing there is to a guarantee in this hardcore anti-sports media blogging business. It's completely impossible for the column to not end up being a giant piece of crap. There are too many idiots involved. Because of this, are they really fair game for FireJay? I'm not sure. However: it's late, I know people will want to read something tomorrow, and TMQ let me down. Subsequently I need to find somebody to make fun of in a hurry. Peter/Peter's readers, thanks for being that somebody.

(Before he starts answering questions, King launches into a disaster of a mini-column about where teams should look for RB talent)

Did you notice the rushing leaderboard for Week 10? And did you notice the inactives last night for the Seahawks? There's a correlation. And the moral of the story is that running back is the last position I'd ever spend big free-agent money on if I ran an NFL franchise.

Check out the weekend's top five rushers, and how they entered the NFL:
1. Clinton Portis, Washington, second round.
2. Jesse Chatman, Miami, undrafted.
3. Ryan Grant, Green Bay, undrafted.
4. Selvin Young, Denver, undrafted.
5. Willie Parker, Pittsburgh, undrafted.

All this is mediocre (but not necessarily bad) analysis. Sure, it's interesting to note that some good NFL running backs have come from unlikely places. Same as some good QBs... or offensive linemen... or anyone from any position. So this is pretty vanilla but it's not stupid. I mean, I wouldn't spend a lot of money on a free agent RB. But King's also trying to make a point about RBs that are picked early in the draft. This is a problem.

Running backs are the curse of the NFL. Look at Chicago, which in the last 13 drafts has taken Rashaan Salaam, Curtis Enis and Cedric Benson in the first round and been disappointed by all three.

So 4 of the top 5 rushers from last weekend's games were undrafted? Awesome. Great. But one game seems like a pretty small sample size. What if we look at the top rushers from this entire season, and what round they were drafted in?

Peterson, 1
Parker, undrafted
Portis, 2
Addai, 1
Lynch, 1
McGahee, 1
Tomlinson, 1
Westbrook, 3
James, 1
L. White, 2
T. Jones, 1
R. Brown, 1

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, now things look a little different. Where's your Ryan Grant and Jesse Chatman now, Peter? Just to further prove my point, I went 5 years back (in order to allow for some turnover) and looked at the season rushing leaders in 2002 and their draft position.

R. Williams, 1
Tomlinson, 1
P. Holmes, undrafted
Portis, 2
T. Henry, 2
McAllister, 1
Barber, 2
J. Lewis, 1
Taylor, 1
Dillon, 2
Bennett, 1
A. Green, 3

In conclusion: shut up, Peter King. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but in general drafting a running back early looks like a pretty fucking good idea to me.

Parker, Chatman, Grant and Young are hungry. Downright starving, probably, after being stuck behind good backs like Jerome Bettis, Ronnie Brown and Tiki Barber. With the injuries that ravage teams every year, it's smart to have a good second and third back, but it's just as smart not to pay a first-teamer the big dough.

Paying "big dough" to big name free agent RBs like Edge James looks kind of silly, and King correctly says so a part of the column I haven't included here. But paying "big dough" to 1st round draft picks like Adrian Peterson or the 20 year old version of Edge James that the Colts took back in 1999 looks really, really smart. I mean, as long as you define "smart" in the game of football as "having guys on your team that play extremely well."

You can find guys on the NFL street to gain 1,200 yards for you. Happens every year.

Total 1,200 yard seasons in the NFL from 2002-2006: 59
Number of those compiled by players who were not drafted: 4 (2 by Priest Holmes, 2 by Willie Parker)
Number of those compiled by players who were drafted in the 4th round or later: 5 (1 by Chester Taylor, 1 by Stephen Davis, 3 by Rudi Johnson)
Number of those compiled by players who were drafted in the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd round: 50

You are wrong. Stop telling your readers lies. It didn't happen as recently as 2004. And the overwhelming majority of 1,200 rushers in today's NFL are not just draft picks (as opposed to "guys off the street"), but 1st or 2nd round draft picks.

The lesson should ring out in every front office in the league over the next few years: Don't pay big money for a back who's been a star in the league.

Again, fair enough. Free agent backs are not a good idea. BUT-

Instead, develop your own later-round finds.

As long as they are named Rudi Johnson, yeah, sure, go ahead and develop them. If they are named anything else, I don't like your odds.

They come in all shapes and sizes.

What the fuck does that even mean? They are NFL running backs. Almost every single one of them is between 5'10" and 6'2", and somewhere in the neighborhood of 220 lbs. This is like saying "If you're like me, you like cans of soda. They come in all shapes and sizes."

MCNABB'S FUTURE. From Peter Hale of Woburn, Mass.: "Two quarterback-related questions: Any chance Donovan McNabb goes to Baltimore, and would it be a waste if the growing consensus proves true and Brian Billick isn't back next year?

Here's where the readers start stepping up to the plate and competing with King in the dumbass department. I know how everyone likes to hype him up as an offensive "guru", but given what a disaster the Ravens' offense has been for Billick's entire tenure and that he's been unable to turn former 1st round pick Kyle Boller into anything that resembles a non shitty quarterback, I'd say it would be a waste if McNabb came to Baltimore and Billick was still there.

DOWN ON RIVERS. From Rick Betourne of Chesapeake, Va.: "The Chargers are toast. Even as emotional as they were Sunday, how can they legitimately be called a playoff team? Philip Rivers is AWFUL! I kept saying to my son, 'Who is he throwing to?'

"Consistently, he was throwing to receivers who were covered, double-covered, even triple-covered. People wonder why LT is not having the same year -- Philip Rivers."

First of all, Rick, the Chargers can be legitimately called a playoff team because they reside in the AFC West and the other three teams there are a collective joke this year. (I'm a Broncos fan, I would know.) Second, rather than just looking at LT's down season, maybe we should look at why neither LT nor Rivers is having the kind of year they expected. Hmmmm... what changed for the Chargers between 2006 and 2007? Were there any moves made regarding the coaching staff? Did they fire a coach with an excellent (regular season) track record and hire one who's never done anything but suck? Did they lose their offensive coordinator? Maybe we should look in that direction and see if we can figure out why both LT and Rivers are plummeting back to Earth, rather than simply pointing fingers at a one specific single cog in an underperforming offense.

MORE QB QUESTIONS. From Mike Kearney of Burlington, Ontario: "I raise my green tea to you this morning

I know green tea is good for you and all, but by putting that in your email you have identified yourself as a pretentious ass.

and ask "Who is the No. 3 NFC quarterback in the Pro Bowl?" Favre and Romo are one and two. For No. 3, is it Garcia, Brees or Hasselbeck? The whole world needs to know.

And by putting Hasselbeck on that list and omitting Jon Kitna, you have identified yourself as dumb.

VINATIERI FALL-OUT. From Jay of Trenton, N.J.: "Hey Peter, do you think Adam Vinatieri's missed "gimme" vs. San Diego tarnished his HOF resume at all?"

That might be the single worst question I have ever seen published in a mailbag column. Ever. This is the stuff of legends, folks. People as ignorant and clueless as Jay from Trenton don't just get their shitbag ideas published on a major sports website every day.

No. I respect the question.

Why? That question is so bad, I almost wonder if it was sent in as a joke. I really hope that's the case and that Jay in Trenton and his friends are laughing as hard as I am at King's answer. When is all is said and done, this one miss against the Chargers during a regular season game in November will have about as much impact on whether or not Vinatieri gets in to the HOF as who his favorite Spice Girl is. (Mine is Baby!)

But one blown regular-season game hardly tarnishes the resume of the best clutch kicker in NFL history.

This simple (and correct) answer is the opposite of respecting the question.

FAVRE-ULOUS. From Mark F. of Worcester, Mass.: "Saw Deanna Favre on last week's Monday Night Game. Is it bad form to note what a babe she is?"

I will relay the message and you can count on two things. One, she'll be very pleased. Two, she'll blush.

That is creepy. I think Eriz has done the best job around here of lampooning Peter's man-crush on Favre, so instead of writing my own material to make fun of it I'll just link to one of his posts. And to this Sports Pickle page (scroll about halfway down, in the middle). Who knew, though, that King also had such strong feelings for Mrs. Favre? I bet he loves them both so much that he'd hurt either if he had the chance.

TOUCHING STORY FROM A 49ERS FAN. From Phil of Toronto: "A story about Dick Nolan: I have been a Niners fan since I was 14, in 1965. In 1972, when the team made its first ever trip to nearby Buffalo following the NFL/AFL merger, I bought tickets. A couple of days prior I decided that it would be even better to drive in the day before and hopefully meet some players. Accordingly, I called the team's headquarters and asked to speak to Dick Nolan. They put me on hold and, a couple of minutes later, Dick was on the line (obviously, this is something that would never happen today).

Phil goes on to describe how Dick got him passes to the Niners' Saturday practice that weekend, and how the two of them met there and how Dick was a super nice guy. Peter, your thoughts?

I'm going to give you the biggest cliché in sports -- the apple does not fall very far from the tree.

Biggest cliche in sports? Oh, so close. Let me make like Bill Simmons and show you the "official" list of biggest sports cliches that I just made up. Then let me light myself on fire.

1. Take it one game at a time
2. Go out their and play their/our game
3. He/they just know(s) how to win
4. You can't say enough about him/this team
5. Go out there and make plays
6. It is what it is
7. They/we believe in their/ourselves and that's all that matters
8. No one believed in us/We shocked the world

.....

693: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Hmmmmm. Maybe Peter was thinking of the biggest cliche in real life, rather than in sports. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" comes in at #28 on that list. So King is still wrong, but he's much less wrong.

That's all I've got. Feel free to submit any questions you'd like us here at FireJay to answer in the comments section, and we can make our own mailbag! Hooray! Or, just leave a comment and tell us who your favorite Spice Girl is/was.