MSNBC.com's 2nd Worst Writer is Back!

It's been awhile, Mr. Ventre! I see you chose not to write about the Dodgers or the Angels this time! You're basically the West-coast version of HatGuy, aren't you?

(Side note, realizing that he didn't write about either L.A. team, Ventre snapped today after getting no sleep and wrote a bogus column about an all-L.A. World Series this year. Because it's smart to go around talking about a sub-.500 team making it that far, right?)

Anyway, no one is sick of this Shawn Chacon garbage yet, are they?

Attacking your GM isn't good career move

I'm really getting giddy here. Is this going to be a column all about why you shouldn't do that? Like, someone needs to TELL the public why this is stupid? What's your purpose in life, Ventre? Was crap like this your true calling?

Generally speaking, if one has an eye toward career advancement, it’s not a good idea to grab your boss by the neck and wrestle him to the ground.

And the "I Have No Idea If You're Joking or Not" saga continues. Either way, this is miserable.

I did it a few times and it was always a disaster. Apparently my superiors didn’t appreciate the frivolity.

Right, I bet you did. And let me guess, it was such a disaster that you became one of the most underqualified men for a job in your field in history. Really, it just halted your career.

Now, unfortunately for Shawn Chacon, he has that resume buster to live with. On Wednesday, the Houston Astros’ pitcher was released after he collared his general manager, Ed Wade, and tossed him to the canvas.

This type of activity would be a welcome addition to the skill set of say, a professional wrestler or a mixed martial arts king. In that realm, brutality born out of anger gets one a gold star. Ditto for linebackers and surfers fending off paparazzi in Malibu.

The question remains: why are you telling me this?

And a major league player can even get away with it, as long as its done in the context of a bench-clearing brawl, or in answering a particularly nettlesome question from a sportswriter.

Last I checked, you can still get suspended and fined.......

But in this case, Chacon miscalculated badly.

I am close to beating my head against the wall. Let me check the headlines of Ventre's past articles real quick to make sure this column is just an anomaly.

"Steroids Closely Linked to Negative Reputation in Baseball."

"Pitchers Who Effectively Get Outs are Most Sought After in Trade."

"Settling a Debate: Baseball IS a Sport."

"Attacking Your GM Isn't Good Career Move."

Could you honestly pick one of these that doesn't belong?

(DISCLAIMER: Headlines might be real or fictional. Exactly one is real. The second one is fictional. Fictional headlines solely created for the purpose of exposing Michael Ventre as King Dumbass of the Universe.)

He may have believed that decking his boss would be interpreted as no biggie in the boys-will-be-boys atmosphere of The Show.

Do you really believe this? Is any human being this clueless?

I'll clarify something for you Ventre. There is no fucking way in a million years that Shawn Chacon thought that he could take Ed Wade by the throat and choke-slam him without consequences. I can't believe I had to type that. Was it irrational due to the anger of the situation? Absolutely. But there is no fucking way he thought that it would be shrugged off as "boys-will-be-boys".

Yet he failed to realize the lousy-pitchers-will-be-lousy-pitchers aspect of the scenario.

ZING!

This entire affair sprung out of Chacon’s inability to get batters out. He had been demoted to the bullpen over the weekend, mostly because he is 2-3 with a 5.04 ERA in 15 starts for Houston. He set a record with nine no-decisions to start the season.

I’m not a human resources expert, but I know that when an employee consistently submits poor performances, he usually gets written up. The top brass likes to develop a paper trail before it cans a loser.

At least you're self aware. Whoever your boss is has quite the paper trail to work with.

Oh.....you were talking about Chacon. Yeah....he sucks too.

This is a time when Chacon should have spotted the red flags and tried to be nicer to his boss. Maybe the right-hander could have invited Wade out for a martini and regaled him with tales of his exotic golf excursions, or gushed over photographs of Wade’s family, or offered to wash Wade’s car.

Yeah. Can you imagine?

Ed Wade: FUCK YOU CHACON! YOU'RE PITCHING LIKE A COMPLETE SHITHEAD! THE HOUSTON ASTROS WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF-

Shawn Chacon: I'm going to stop you right there, sir. How would you like to join me for a martini and listen to tales of my exotic golf excursions? My you have beautiful children, and a fantastic car! Would you do me the honor of letting me wash it?

(I really, really don't want to continue doing this. There comes a point when saying "dude, what the fuck?" really doesn't cut it entertainment-wise anymore.)

But snagging him by the neck and whipping him to the turf – while certainly qualifying as out-of-the-box thinking – seems to be counterproductive.

Uh...huh.

(I can't even make an effort anymore. I'd have to repeat my own disparagings to disparage what he has already repeated.)

Chacon may have adversely affected any future job opportunities by clobbering his boss.

Emphasis on "may have".

(Good God this is terrible. This "story" has received a 3.5/5 from the rating of 29 people. There are officially too many stupid people in this world.)

It’s all so curious that Chacon would have acted like he did. For instance, the incident was precipitated by a confrontation in which Wade asked Chacon to come into his office for a chat.

Theory: It's all so curious that (Event X happened).

Supporting Point 1: For instance, (Fact that does not have much bearing on the likelihood of Event X happening).

(This guy would have struggled to be an above-average writer in my 8th grade English class. Speaking of which, I wonder what Johnny Hamlin is up to these days. I should give him a call. Or try to obtain a copy of something he wrote in 8th grade and make fun of it here. You know, it's just as fair.)

Call me a cynic, but I would have to believe the fact that Chacon is making $2 million this season figured into his decision to say things to Wade like, “You need to …” and “You better …”

Are you saying that Chacon considers $2 million a lot, or not enough? You need to use words like "only" and "just" to......God never mind.....

(You're a fucking cynic. Take that, Ventre.)

I’ve always thought ballplayers are just like the rest of us, willing to roll up their sleeves for a hard-earned buck and respectful of the company’s hierarchy.

Really. You thought ballplayers are just trying to grind out their hard-earned buck. Just like the rest of us. Just regular people. That's how most ballplayers view themselves. Just trying to pay the rent and get fed.

(Shawn Chacon has made $12,160,000 in his major league career. Pretty blue-collar. Just rolling up his sleeves.)

It may not be fair to judge a person based on one incident, but there are exceptions: Lee Harvey Oswald; the captain of the Exxon Valdez; [Latrell] Sprewell, and now Chacon.

Let's see. We have listed the athlete in question for the article, the guy you just got finished comparing him to (Sprewell), and a very famous man for assassinating a U.S. President. Pretty good, pretty relevant. And what's this? In addition we're going to toss in the captain of an oil tanker that spilled 19 fucking years ago. Not only is that a completely bizarre and random reference, you're talking about people who committed violent acts and lumping them in with a guy charged with negligence.

(This is so hopeless. Is anyone even reading this anymore? I know I wouldn't want to. You should all go do something better with your lives.)

But Sprewell had roughly $23 million coming to him when the Golden State Warriors tried to void his contract. Chacon isn’t that rich, and he isn’t that good. His decision to clock his boss doesn’t really make sense on any level.

Shut up already.....

Sometimes a corporate retreat does the trick. There are also consultants trained in the area of employer-employee relationships. But in this delicate economy, when so many jobs are at risk, energy costs are rising and the housing market is mush, it’s probably imprudent to create tension in the workplace at this particular juncture.

.

..

...

Whatever I'll just say it.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????

(I'm pretty sure this is a pathetic joke and not actually serious. But why is webspace being wasted on this trash?)

Now for the last sentence of the column. It's the best ending sentence I have ever read. Like, it trumps everything Mariotti has ever done. Therefore, I'm going to copy it here, and not make a comment afterwards, because nothing would quite do it justice.

Maybe Chacon should have made friends while he was in the bullpen, because right now he could use a save.

Jay Mariotti Talks About Alfonso Soriano, Can't Research Anything, Etc.

By popular demand, I'm not linking Mariotti anymore to keep his numbers down.

Consider it another example of a nervous front office pampering a one-dimensional, $136 million china doll

For those of you who are new to baseball, Alfonso Soriano is one-dimensional. He is a straight line with no width or depth. This makes him look very funny when he tries to swing 3-dimensional baseball bats and catch 3-dimensional baseballs with 3-dimensional baseball gloves.

In 150 ABs.....

11 HR
9 2B
.273 Avg
3 SB, 0 CS, has only grounded into 1 DP.
Selfish Asshole Index: 64 (on a scale of 1-33)
Only Real Deficiency: Walks

I'm not sure where people get off saying Soriano's only good at one thing. He's clearly decent, if unspectacular at several things.

who sometimes plays defense like an underage reveler stumbling down Division Street -- but does do a cute, little bunny hop while trying.

Defensive stats are pretty sketchy, yes, but metrics don't seem to think Soriano is dismal out there in left. BP has him at +5 FRAA. The Hardball Times has him 8th out of 11 eligible left fielders in Zone Rating. I'm not trying to say that he's good, but abuse like this is unjustified.

Wait....unjustified abuse from Jay? Nah....

As I wrote 10 days ago when Cubdom was gushing over him, Soriano will lead you to the highest highs and then, inevitably, raise your blood pressure and break your heart.

There is little to no proof that a consistent player is more valuable than an inconsistent player that finishes with the same rate and counting stats at the end of the season.

Just because he hit seven home runs in a week didn't mean he wouldn't follow up by, oh, losing a ball in the sun and blowing a game in Pittsburgh.

It sounds like Jay Mariotti would trade having a guy hit 7 HR in a week for not dropping ONE POP FLY.

Which came not long after he botched two fly balls in St. Louis and other flubs. No one doubts that his offensive skills, when he's healthy, remain unique in the sport's history.

Yeah. I can't think of any players in baseball history who have a similar offensive skillset to Alfonso Soriano.

Soriano isn't Ichiro or anything, Jay. He's hardly a revolutionary hitter. You think he's the first low-OBP slugger in history with good speed?

I wonder if general manager Jim Hendry, in his zeal to outbid teams for Soriano, did enough research. Was Hendry so wowed by his 2006 season of 40 home runs and 40 stolen bases that he ignored the weird mojo that always has accompanied Soriano?

Things that Hendry ignored when he signed Soriano:

1) $136 million dollars is superstar money.
2) Alfonso Soriano is not a superstar.
3) Alfonso Soriano cannot draw walks.
4) Alfonso Soriano's 31-year-old-ness.
5) Alfonso Soriano's 38-year-old-ness in the last year of the contract.

Things that are not relevant, and should never be talked about, lest one sound like he comes from the species sporticus ignoramus.

1) Weird mojo that always has accompanied Soriano.

He always has been a man without a real position, which qualifies him as an ideal designated hitter.

Soriano is a passable corner outfielder, and could certainly play first base if he had to. A player with a .319 OBP is not an ideal designated hitter. Why not just fucking hire this guy to designated hit instead? He's cheaper.

But the National League, last I looked, has no DH,

Bad news, Jay. The NL rules have changed since you last looked. There are now 3 DHs in the lineup, as well as a designated fielder (abbreviated "RO" in the lineup, for "Rey Ordonez").

It isn't that simple, not when Cubdom has experienced well-chronicled demons through the years and can spot another potential saboteur when it sees one. Soriano was a prime goat last October in the Arizona sweep, and if the Cubs fall short for the 100th straight season, he probably will be faulted again.

Alfonso Soriano, September 2007: .320/.354/.754

Good luck retroactively making the playoffs without that, Chicago Cubs.

Boooooooooooooring

Nothing to see here, folks. Jay just wrote another awful article about Ozzie Guillen being a crybaby. It's nothing he's never said before....it's just terrible and he repeats himself a lot. I'm just here to remind everyone what little bit sneaks its way into every Sox column Jay writes.

In my mind, the Sox have underachieved for Guillen since July of 2006, a period in which they're 30 games under .500.

Estimated date that Jay stops caring about that date: August 14, 2031.

I've Been Waiting For This

Jay Mariotti is finally back from vacation. He had to have been on vacation, because there's no reason that he wouldn't have written a column bashing Ozzie Guillen over the last 4 days or so. The old favorites are coming back, in a classic Jay article that reminds me of just how much I hate every piece of dribble he puts in a newspaper. Hold on tight everyone, and enjoy the ride.

Ozzie, Sox: Chicago's rude, crude embarrassment

That's a good start. Has anyone written an article like this recently? This Jay article is unique because unlike the other monotonous things he writes, every other journalist in Chicago is saying the same thing.

The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. Filthy as the White Sox and their manager have been, Gavin Floyd somehow was filthier and nastier Tuesday night on the South Side. After Hawk Harrelson jinxed the young man by babbling, ``Call your family, call your friends, Gavin Floyd is three outs from a no-hitter,'' well, you'll never guess what happened.

Fitting for Mariotti to blame the no-hitter breakup on the broadcaster. Just simply fitting.

Fact of the matter is, Floyd has like an even K/BB ratio and, prior to last night, had one a pretty bad GB/FB ratio (0.66). Him getting a no-hitter would have been just as unlikely as Mark Buehrle doing it last year was.

It's just as well. Ozzie Guillen didn't deserve to be bailed out by a classy, polite kid with hair combed across his forehead, low on his brow.

Sounds like someone has a man-crush! Was Ozzie right about you being a fag?

It isn't news, of course, that

Now wait. If this isn't news, why is the following large chunk of information being printed in a paper in which to read news?

Guillen is the clown doofus of sports, a disgrace to a city, a franchise, intelligent humanity and those of us who must chronicle his arrested-adolescent b.s. to the point of ad nauseum. I'm just wondering how he's still employed. If this was bad standup comedy, I'd understand why a trashy nightclub might hire him to humor drunks for $5.50 an hour.

Well done, Jay. That might have been your best tirade in years.

My one problem is that bad stand-up comics have trouble getting the respect of a baseball team and that most of them aren't insanely good at managing pitcher workloads.

But I've gotta say. I might memorize that block of insults for the next time I get really mad at somebody.

But he's a baseball manager. And since July of 2006,

ZOMG ZOMG! IT'S COMING! I CAN FEEL IT!!!

a sample size that has become more truth than trend, his team has largely failed.

We're getting close....

It's one thing to act like an idiot and win a championship, which causes folks to think you're a crazy genius.

Uh huh....

It's quite another to act like an idiot and go 124-151

!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so I didn't copy and paste a video of a parade marching from YouTube. But here we are, on May 7th, 2008. We're STILL talking about the record of a baseball team since July 2, 2006. That date was the only relevant date in baseball history.

proving only that your act isn't working and that you're killing an organization with your relentless immaturity and gutter-sludge mouth.

Oh gee, that's a new one Jay. Ozzie's "act" isn't working, because the team hasn't been good. Does Ozzie play baseball? Does the team get on base more when he isn't a lightning rod of attention? The White Sox as an organization are being "killed" because Ozzie swears too much? Really???? Maybe a LITTLE bit of mismatched cause-and-effect somewhere in there?

The Sox can crow all they want about their World Series title, how they beat the Cubs to the holy grail. At least the Cubs still own their dignity as a Chicago institution, as opposed to Guillen, who belongs in one.

ZING! Did....did you guys see what he did there? It was pretty pretty clever!

The Cubs are easy to like.

The Sox are easy to loathe.

That's like, too opinionated to even be printed in an opinion column.

Okay, I didn't even print everything in the article to this point. After 5 full paragraphs and 3 one-liners, we're finally ready for Jay to start reporting the news, that is, stuff that he hasn't said a billion times already.

The latest episode inside Guillen's clubhouse, involving inflatable female dolls and strategically placed bats in a frat-house attempt to end the club's offensive woes, is an insult to women.

Everyone reading this blog pretty much knows what Jay's personality is like. Do you really believe that he gives a shit about the blow-up dolls? He's literally modifying his feelings to lash out at Guillen some more.

This comes after incidents in which he slurred gays, insulted nations, blew off the White House and angered folks in his native Venezuela with his tirade against Magglio Ordonez. So comprehensive is his list of victims, he's almost running out of targets.

Did I say Jay was done repeating himself.......?

::checks a little bit above::

Yeah. I did. My fault.

I cannot think of another company -- another sports team -- that would tolerate this unceasing run of verbal thuggery, especially when he isn't succeeding on the field.

FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME. OZZIE GUILLEN CANNOT SUCCEED ON THE FIELD. HE IS A MANAGER. HE IS A MANAGER WHO DOES NOT PLAY BASEBALL. YOU ACTUALLY TRY TO ANALYZE THE CHICAGO CUBS AS A BASEBALL TEAM SOMETIMES. TRY IT FOR BOTH TEAMS YOU REPORT ON.

YOU ARE THE CLOWN DOOFUS OF SPORTS, A DISGRACE TO A CITY, A FRANCHISE, INTELLIGENT HUMANITY, AND THOSE OF US WHO MUST CHRONICLE YOUR ARRESTED-ADOLESCENT B.S. TO THE POINT OF AD NAUSEUM. I'M JUST WONDERING HOW YOU'RE STILL EMPLOYED. IF THIS WAS BAD STANDUP COMEDY, I'D UNDERSTAND WHY A TRASHY NIGHTCLUB MIGHT HIRE YOU TO HUMOR DRUNKS FOR $5.50 AN HOUR.

If Guillen didn't directly participate in purchasing and displaying the dolls, well, put it this way: He sets the trashy tone. The man isn't exactly stable, which wouldn't bother me if he didn't represent this proud city and a sport that has endured a long steroids scandal and doesn't need dirt of any sort.

Like I've said before, this isn't even close to the worst thing that happens in a clubhouse.

Yet there was Williams, Reinsdorf's yes-man and the one who signed off on Guillen's hiring, making fun of the episode Tuesday and refusing to issue a formal apology. One of Guillen's favorite words -- hypocrite -- is exactly what he and the Sox have become.

ZOMG! Jay's about to call someone(thing) else a hypocrite again! Don't you love irony? Let's see how he fucks this up.

You cannot market ``Family Field Day'' on May 17 and a ticket package called the ``Ozzie Plan,'' then let the face of your franchise cultivate an R-rated atmosphere with more F-bombs than a Chris Rock routine.

Why? Why can you not market these things? It's not like it's called "Family Tour of the R-Rated Clubhouse Day." And that thing about the "Ozzie Plan" is totally irrelevant. Does anyone see why he even mentioned the "Ozzie Plan?" You can't name a ticket plan after a guy who has a potty mouth? This makes no fucking sense.

``I will assure Major League Baseball that the doll was not violated in any way, shape or form," [Kenny Williams] cracked. ``In all seriousness, it is a little bit of a disappointment because we have proactively tried to -- and just did so this spring training -- organizationally, we brought in some people to discuss a better work environment, whether it's gender issues or racial issues. I don't know what a formal apology on behalf of the club is going to do, other than me assuring everyone we are on top of it and we addressed the issue.''

Thank you.

Sure, you did. Just as the Sox and Major League Baseball ``addressed'' matters two summers ago by having Guillen attend sensitivity training, which obviously helped.

Guillen wasn't the one responsible for the blow-up shrine.

Reinsdorf and Williams think they're above these issues, when, in fact, the issues define who they are as executives and human beings.

No. Shut the fuck up. Whether or not there are blow-up dolls in the locker room absofuckinglutely does NOT define who Reinsdorf and Williams are as human beings, and CERTAINLY not as executives. What could either of them had to do with any of this? Are these issues supreme to the success of the team baseball-wise? One thing is completely clear: you, Jay Mariotti, have your head far enough up your ass to the point where you think so.

Unfortunately, some media fear Reinsdorf and curry his favor, which might explain why WMVP-AM's Marc Silverman -- who seems thrilled to have Reinsdorf on the station's ``Lunch With a Legend'' series -- was more eager to criticize his on-air guest, the Sun-Times' Carol Slezak, than simply interview her about her post-dolls, anti-Sox column.

I'm totally siding with Marc Silverman on this one. Criticizing Carol Slezak is a lot of fun.

Keeping with his track record, Guillen was too small to issue an apology to the offended. ``If people think we did something wrong, wow. I'm not going to apologize, I'm not going to say I'm sorry,'' he said. ``I don't know what to say. I can't come up with the words because as soon as I say that, that means I'm guilty of something. I'm not guilty."

He is guilty as sin, actually, for making a mockery of his craft. Can you imagine such a trail of trash ever being littered in Boston, New York? Could you imagine a manager keeping a job through it all, no matter how many championships he won?

Now you're basically copying Carol Slezak's column from a few days ago. This is not smart, Jay. In fact, it's bordering on plagiarism. Can you come up with your own ideas, please? Here's a copy of a sentence from Carol's piece.

Can you imagine the Yankees or Red Sox building a similar shrine in their locker room, in full view of clubhouse visitors?

Complete coincidence that you decided to evaluate the incident against the standards of the same teams, hmmm? Totally by chance, right?

Could you imagine a manager keeping a job through it all, no matter how many championships he won?

For the love of God, YES! If Trashy Awesometon is managing my baseball team and winning the World Series every year and banging strippers in the clubhouse every day while using countless ethnic slurs, he's my manager because he has the supernatural ability to win the World Series every single year, which is the supreme goal of baseball, which you should try to write about sometimes instead of trash like this.

As long as reporters have work to do, and as long as clubhouses are open to media, a sports franchise has a responsibility to maintain a civil, orderly, professional workplace.

Why? You don't hold yourself to the same standard. You are quite possibly the least professional human being alive who sucks up newspaper space every time you decide you want to rant about Ozzie Guillen or Ken Harrelson.

I don't subscribe to any boys-will-be-boys junk when it comes to working environments.

Interesting. Here's another quip from Carol Slezak.

And just so we're clear, the tired ''boys will be boys'' excuse no longer works.

WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN COLUMN.

If players want to go through ``Slumpbuster'' rituals with inflatable dolls, do it in the trainer's room, where the media can't see it. When you make it public, the organization is judged accordingly.

So you do condone sticking wooden bats up the arse of a doll. Doesn't exactly help your argument any.

The Blizzard finally might have made sense when he suggested media be banned from the clubhouse. I don't blame athletes for feeling invaded when they're attempting to shower and dress in the presence of reporters, especially in a time of camera phones and other creepiness. I understand the importance of media access, but it's more sensible to bring players into a large interview area before and after games. That's how it is done on Super Bowl media day. That's how it is done at the Olympics. Is it a pain for the media? Sure. But how would you like to be showering at work and have 50 reporters bust in?

This is a good point.

Besides, it sure beats hanging out in Guillen's den of doom, watching his career disintegrate with every stunt, F-bomb and non-apology.

Yeah, and besides, you don't go anywhere near that place, because you know that there are literally tens of people just waiting to beat the living shit out of you, including Ozzie himself. Can we set that fight up, please?

Uh Oh, Jay Made A Stupid....

Multiple stupids, in fact. Before reading, be careful. You're about to enter a zone with a very unhealthy concentration of WRONG.

As the most tortured and masochistic fans in sports, you demand love and tenderness in Cubdom. You want hope, optimism, faith. You want 100-year amnesia. You want a combination of Ron Santo, a Wrigley Granny and Eddie Vedder in the bleachers.

They're fans. ZOMG! THEY WANT TO HOPE FOR A TEAM THAT WINS IT ALL!

You want me to say 98-64,

No one cares what you predict, because it's probably more based on Piniella's post-game speeches than baseball.

a sweep of the Rockies

Rockies?

a Game 7 victory over Johan Santana and a Game 7 win over the Red Sox, after which you can die peacefully.

For such goo (woo!), please call Ronnie Wickers. I cannot help you.

Mentions of Ronnie Woo Woo in Jay's columns are reaching July 2, 2006ish annoyingness levels.

But what I can do is this: You tell me what you want to hear, and I'll follow with what you SHOULD hear. It's called telling the truth, assuming you can handle it.

Jay is about to do this many, many times. We're going to see how often he actually says something truth-related.

You say Kerry Wood will become the toast of Clark Street. I say Huston Street is available on the trade market.

There are two very good reasons to not trade for Huston Street

1) Billy Beane will probably rip you off.
2) Wood, Marmol, and Howry are good enough between them to handle the late innings.

Jay literally thinks teams can just trade for awesome players all the time, and if they don't, then they're fucking up.

You say Wood will be pain-free all season, save 40 games and uphold the confidence of enabler Jim Hendry, who said this after the general manager's pet rock was named the closer: ``For his sake and ours, I hope he stays healthy because that's world-class stuff.'' I say Wood symbolizes All Things Cub in the 21st century and, sadly, will have arm soreness to accompany his world-class stuff by May 1, which is May Day, prompting the electric Carlos Marmol to inherit the role he deserved all along.

Marmol had a very good 2007, but middle relievers tend to be wildly inconsistent from year to year. He's bound to see some regression. Saying that he deserved the role all along is crazy. Cliff Politte had a great 2005 for the White Sox, should he be a closer?

I apologize....not enough "angry" out of me yet. I know, I know. Read on.

You say Sam Zell, in his detached role as temporary Cubs owner, will provide a refreshing change after 27 years of ineptness from previous Tribune Co. chiefs.

I basically live in Cubsville. No one is saying that. What's your "truth", Jay?

I say Zell looks like the billy goat,

Maybe.

actually might be the billy goat

What?

and already is plotting to eliminate the jobs of at least a dozen Cubs players through voluntary separation programs, involuntary layoffs and attrition.

Jay Mariotti: ::closes dictionary:: I have no idea what I am writing.

`Who needs relief pitchers? Let the starting pitcher finish every game,'' Zell will declare. ``And if you're paying eight players to be in the field, all others are superfluous.''

I'm sorry...my eyes must be going. I could have sworn you said at the top of this column you were going to tell me something called the "truth".

::checks again::

Yes, yes, that's what you wrote. It clearly says "truth", not "wildly stupid and un-funny exaggerations." Stop deceiving me!

You say the rotation is loaded with a Cy Young Award candidate in prediction-free Carlos Zambrano, a potential 18-game winner in Ted Lilly and a potential 15-game winner in Rich Hill.

Zam's chances of winning the Cy Young this year are probably something close to 1%, especially low due to the Santana trade. But other than that, there really isn't anything crazy about this sort of optimism.

I say you're right about Zambrano and Lilly,

All of last year, you slammed Zambrano for not being a true ace, now you think he's a Cy Young Award candidate?

but that you deserve to be conked in the head by an errant pitch from Hill, who last was seen walking six of 11 Colorado batters and has a 7.50 ERA in his last four Cactus League starts.

Rich Hill winning 15 games this year is definitely very possible. Spring starts from an established starting pitcher couldn't be less indicative of regular season performance. Please, PLEASE win 15 games this year, Rich Hill.

I'll never forget how this newspaper splashed Hill across the front page last October, wondering if he could save the Cubs. After he allowed three runs and six hits and was yanked after three innings, the Diamondbacks supplied the musical answer amid much Wrigley angst: ``We found our thrill, on Boo-berry Hill.''

Damn you Rich Hill! You pitched poorly in your first postseason start! You'll never win 15 games this year!

You say the Cubs have an awesome lineup.

Jay's right, this actually is a serious problem among Cub fans. Their lineup is severely overrated, mostly because of Soriano and the disease sweeping Chicago that
causes people to think Ryan Theriot is good at baseball.

I say they do as long as Derrek Lee doesn't remain a doubles hitter,

Derrek Lee posted the 2nd highest slugging percentage of his career last year. He also got on base at a .400 clip. You wouldn't take a doubles hitter with a .400 OBP?

Alfonso Soriano rips fastballs instead of muscles

::chirp::

and Aramis Ramirez is kept away from secret cockfighting arenas.

These are such stupid substitutes for actually analyzing these three hitters. For once, will you do your fucking job?

You say it's a sign of special camaraderie when several Cubs pitchers maul a '95 Nissan Sentra belonging to Tim Buss, the team's strength and conditioning coach, and his wife. You say it's very cool that they purchased him a 2008 Nissan Xterra.

How can you possibly argue that it wasn't?

I say it's a metaphor for certain pitchers who will be destroyed accordingly this season and require new replacements.

What the fuck??? This makes no sense.

Among them is a starter, Jason Marquis, who somehow won a rotation job after telling management that he, the great Jason Marquis -- who was left off postseason rosters the last two years -- would request a trade if he was moved to the bullpen. I say trade Marquis to Boston for Coco Crisp, center-field insurance for Felix Pie, while his ERA is still under 5.00.

Jim Hendry: Theo, what do you think of Marquis for Crisp?

Theo Epstein: Umm....gee Jim, ::snicker::, I'm going to have to think about that one. I have 6 starting pitchers, all better than Jason. I have an awesome bullpen. But yeah, I totally have a higher need on my team for a bad pitcher than one of the best defensive outfielders in baseball.

Jim Hendry: You don't have to be so mean...it wasn't my idea, anyway.....Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti totally came up with that idea. It seems that I care so much about what he thinks that I just had to pitch that one to you.

Theo Epstein: HA! Jay Mariotti!?!? That guy's a moron! There's this wicked sweet blog on the internet that constantly says he should be fired. I read it all the time!

You say I'm being mean to Wood. I say I'm rooting harder for him than anyone but family, friends and Hendry.

You are not rooting for him, because you're rooting for you to be wrong, which everyone on the fucking planet knows isn't the case. How did you sneak this lie in there? You're supposed to be telling me the truth!

I'm now about to copy and paste the most worthless paragraph of all-time, and won't comment on it. Read at your own risk.

You say Piniella, in introducing ``Cubbie occurrence'' to the lexicon, has coined a phrase for eternity. I say you're right. Pie's twisted testicle -- has it untwisted yet? -- is a Cubbie occurrence. Zell is a Cubbie occurrence. Blaming the Evil Stoney in '04 was a Cubbie occurrence. Trading Lou Brock and not keeping Greg Maddux in 1992 were Cubbie occurences. All the various animals associated with a century of futility are Cubbie occurrences. Thanks, Lou, for new material. Unless Piniella, too, is a Cubbie occurrence.

Moving right along....

You say Kosuke Fukudome will have no problem acclimating to Cubdom. I say he runs for cover the first time trash is thrown from the bleachers. You say you'll be very cordial to him out there. I say some of you become filled with rage when the mood strikes and will treat anyone like Jacque Jones. I also say you don't want any international incidents when we're trying to land the 2016 Olympics.

You might find this paragraph shocking, as Jay just did something he's never done before. He took an incident that happened awhile ago that has nothing to do with the situation at hand and used it to argue a point which also has freakishly little to do with the situation at hand.

You might find my last paragraph there shocking, as I used something called "sarcasm", which is completely new to my writing style.

He does that shit all the time. In case you guys wanted a recap of that paragraph, filled with things that have so little to do with each other, here it is.

"You say Kosuke Fukudome will blah blah blah, I say blah blah blah run for cover blah blah filled with rage blah blah international incidents blah blah 2016 Olympics".

You say the Milwaukee Brewers are frauds. I say slugger Prince Fielder, who last year became the youngest major-league player to hit 50 home runs, is now a vegetarian after reading his wife's book, ``Skinny Bitch: A No-nonsense, Tough-love Guide for Savvy Girls who Want to Stop Eating Crap and Start Looking Fabulous.''

See? They're not frauds! Prince Fielder is gonna lose weight!

You say I'm making this up. I say it's impossible to make up something this weird

Last year, you said that there was black magic associated with a baseball that rolled in from the bullpen towards third base because "baseball" starts with the letter 'b'. You also said that Torii Hunter is better than Nick Swisher, a statement that I consider equally weird.

You say the Sun-Times got Punk'd when a Tribune intern, Katie Hamilton, won this newspaper's video contest condemning Zell's attempt to sell Wrigley's naming rights. I say Hamilton is more clever than most writers at the sleepy broadsheet. I also say the Tribune is too cheap to give her a raise, and that Zell is contemplating laying her off because she has had her day in the Sun(-Times).

Oh yeah Jay, I forgot to tell you. Irrelevance called, it wants its nonsense back.

You say the Cubs are winning it all. I say they'll repeat as division champs, their first back-to-back claiming of cloth since 1907-08, but lose in the playoffs. You say I'm being negative. I say you need to get a life one of these centuries.


Jay seems to think that winning a playoff series is an impossibility for a given team that makes the playoffs. Why, Jay, can the Cubs win their division and then have a 0% chance at beating another baseball team in a best-of-five series? There's a shit-ton of luck involved....it's not like the NBA, you can't say things like, "oh, the Cubs, they're only an NLDS team, nothing more." One day I want you to wake up and realize that.

On a side note, I saw the comments left on this article. Everyone really, really dislikes you, Jay! And I mean we're talking threats of physical violence!

Somehow, "WRONG" Just Isn't A Strong Enough Word....

It's a quickie from Mariotti's 24/7 EXCLUSIVE ONLINE COLUMN DUUUDES!

Torre would revive fading Sox

No. Good players and centerfielders not named Jerry would revive fading Sox. Signing A-Rod. Getting Rowand back. These things. Not Torre.

If the White Sox hired Joe Torre, I'd like their chances of winning 90 games next year.

For those of you new to this site, this sentence is why us crazies believe that Jay Mariotti should be fired on the spot.

Considering the best White Sox are either in their prime or past it (and their young players have very little upside), an extra year of aging would peg the same team to do a little worse this year. This means that Jay Mariotti thinks that Joe Torre's handwriting on the lineup sheet is worth more than 18 wins.

He would re-focus them, lead them like men, manage with dignity and end the circus-like silliness that has dogged this team the last season and a half.

Ah, there's the issue. Jerry Owens isn't bad at baseball....he's just not focused! Juan Uribe doesn't walk because he thinks he's in the circus! Jose Contreras can't get people out because he's not being led like a man! Bravo sir, nail on the head!

Torre would turn underachievement

*exact, spot-on, predicted achievement.

into purpose and have the Sox right back in contention, even with the Indians and Tigers in the same division.

The Indians are better at every position except right field, (Dye > Gutierrez) first base (Konerko > Garko) and third base (healthy Crede > Blake). Thome vs Hafner is essentially a wash over past 3 years. Indians have better starters, Indians have a better bullpen.

The Tigers are better everywhere but first (Konerko > Casey), DH (Thome > Iron Sheff) and left (Fields > black hole). Inge v Crede is basically a wash. The Tigers have better starters, the Tigers have a better bullpen.

None of this matters because the Sox would have: Torre.

But, oh, I forgot. They gave Ozzie Guillen an extension through 2012.

Rats. They did? You should write a really bad article about that sometime.

Torre is class. Torre is a winner who won four World Series championships and six American League pennants.

Torre won them. Not Jeter, not Bernie, not Posada, not Pettitte, not Mariano, not Scotty-B (looool!), not Tino, not D-Cone, the Rocket, Spence, or Chuck Knobby-knees. It was all because of Torre's winnery-ness.

Torre is a good man who made the clubhouse a comfortable place for most players, a near-impossibility in New York.

For this he deserves credit, but he is not worth 20 wins.

Torre is a no-nonsense professional who completely would transform the image of the franchise from the current tone of immature, hot-tempered, blustery idiocy.

It's ironic because most of Jay's writing can be classified under one or more of the following: (1) immature, (2) hot-tempered, (3) blustery idiocy. This one is just (3). My favorite example of (1) was when he devoted an entire column to talking about how some comedian called Rex Grossman a "retarded vagina".

But, oh, I forgot. They gave Ozzie Guillen an extension through 2012.

Heard you the first time. Jay is under the false pretense that repeating the same sarcasm makes his writing better.

Someone will hire Torre to manage. It was time for him to go in New York, but not before he showed us the size of his heart by pulling a Johnny Paycheck and telling George Steinbrenner and Sons, ``Take this job and shove it.'' Shame on the Steinbrenner clan for first making Torre twist in the wind, then offering him a paycut after all his fine duties in reaching the playoffs 12 straight years. How wonderful to see Torre prioritize pride over pinstripes and pay. After all those years of maniacally firing managers -- to be precise, 20 changes between 1973 and 1995, including Billy Martin more times than we can count -- The Boss and his kids had it shoved up their tails. A lot of people lived vicariously through the gumption of Torre, the first manager ever to fire Steinbrenner.

Can someone check some sports news sites and see if any of this actually happened? I've been watching ESPN for 3 days straight and I haven't heard a thing about it.

I'd love to have that kind of man's man on the South Side.

But, oh, I forgot. They gave Ozzie Guillen an extension through 2012.

Fools.

For the love of shit. Ozzie doesn't hit. He doesn't pitch. He doesn't field. There aren't any plays to draw up in baseball. All he does is decide when to bunt (poorly), decide who bats where in the order (poorly), and decide when to pull certain pitchers to insert certain others (very well). He's not a good manager. He's also 0% of the reason the White Sox took a dive. Got it?

I suppose we should have a parade at this point. This is the first article Jay has written about the White Sox in months that did NOT make a nonsensical reference to July 2, 2006!

Guys, I've Done Everything I Can, He Won't Shut Up

Yesterday, the White Sox signed Ozzie Guillen through 2012.

You all know what this means.

Uh oh.

I haven't even read this article yet. I can tell you in advance that it's bad enough for posting.

Well, it was nice knowing the Chicago White Sox, who officially have become an irrelevant laughingstock after turning a one-hit wonder into a long-term blunder.

You mean that they signed Carl Everett, Scott Podsednik, Neal Cotts, Cliff Politte, and Jose Contreras long-term? Those crazy White Sox....those guys are one-hit wonders!

Oh sorry. You meant the manager. He doesn't play.

They've handed a five-year contract to their clown act of a manager, Ozzie Guillen, even though he presides over what is dollar-for-dollar and loss-for-loss the most underachieving, unwatchable team in Major League Baseball history.

Jay's definition of "unwatchable" should be discarded, seeing as how he never watches any sports games. And as for underachieving, what was that PECOTA record of the Sox again? All together now, we've heard me say it soooo many times. Don't scroll down, I bet you can get it from memory.

...

...

..

.

72-90.

See how he just writes the same article over and over again?

They've entrusted him with the keys to the asylum even though their record since July 2 of last year, in one of the monumental flip-flops we've seen in sports, is a revealing 98-129.

July 2, 2006

Scene: Jay's Office

Jay Mariotti: How long has it been, Justina?

Jay's Receptionist: Since when?

Jay Mariotti: Since he called me a fag.

Jay's Receptionist: Hmmm....June 20th was almost 2 weeks ago, why?

Jay Mariotti: I need to get back at him.....maybe I should mock his performance somehow? No. That won't work. I don't watch baseball. I need to find a way to show the world he's a lousy manager while knowing nothing about how he affects the team.

Jay's Receptionist: I....just kind of like, answer the phone.

Jay Mariotti: Dammit Cristina, you're no help!

Jay's Receptionist: Yeesh! Well why don't you just draw two columns on a piece of paper and start putting one tally in the left column for a win and one tally on the right for a loss? Then count them all up every day you want to write, and if it's bad for Ozzie Guillen....then....you have your story!

Jay Mariotti: You're a life saver, Christy!

Jay's Receptionist: I'm Rachel......

They've reanointed him the face of the franchise even though the Sox, failing miserably to capitalize on what now can be termed an aberrational 2005, have resumed their traditional identity as the distant No. 2 team in this Cubs fortress.

Here's a thought....ummm....the Cubs....play in a different divison and league, than....the Sox!

(This means, Jay, that the fact that the White Sox are last in the AL Central means more to them than whether or not they are worse than the Cubs)

They've conveniently ignored that a $109 million payroll, without major injuries or calamity, has produced a ghastly 61 wins this season -- way down there with Florida ($30 million) and Tampa Bay ($24 million) among the majors' worst records.

No major injuries. Huh.

White Sox Players Who Have Been Hurt in 2007

Scott Podsednik
Darin Erstad
Jim Thome
Jermaine Dye
Joe Crede (missed almost the whole year!)
Pablo Ozuna (ditto!)

But other than 5 starters and their most used bench player....nah, no major injuries. To be fair, none of those people called you a fag (as far as you know!), so there was no real reason for you to be paying attention to them anyway.

They've stood behind him even when he has embarrassed a city, a sport and two nations, including his native Venezuela, with his immature, insensitive and vapid ramblings.

Not only does this mark the 143rd time that Jay has used this sentence since July 2 of last year, it's complete and utter bullshit hyperbole as well!

And in the biggest of blind spots, they've extended Guillen despite the probable offseason availability of Tony La Russa, who never would have allowed the Sox to collapse the last two seasons and surely would point a talented team toward the playoffs next year. If La Russa can keep the St. Louis Cardinals in contention through their constant storm of tragedies and crises, imagine how he might whip the Sox into quick shape.

Excuse me, Jay, but in what way did La Russa keep the St. Louis Cardinals in contention? Did La Russa have something to do with Rick Ankiel coming back and OPS-ing the life out of the baseball? Did La Russa use his magnetic personality to drag the Milwaukee Brewers and Chicago Cubs down from the peak of their season to the dregs of the NL Central? La Russa did this? Really?

To La Russa's credit, the Cardinals are outperforming their Pythagenport by 5 games. But let's not confuse his efforts with "regression to the mean of the Brewers and Cubs".

As I've written and said often, Guillen and Williams -- and, of course, Reinsdorf -- are too concerned with what is written and said. But the Blizzard lost me Tuesday when he acknowledged he altered his managing style and became softer this year because of criticism directed at him last year. In what generally is a town of benign sports media, Guillen has only one regular critic: me.

Yes, Jay, you're the only person in Chicago that consistently says negative thing about Ozzie. All hail Jay Mariotti, defender of all that is true! This is possibly the most blind and egotistical claim that you've ever made. A lot of people criticize him in Chicago, and almost ALL of them do a better job than you. Here's a good example of why.

Nationally, where sports media are less boosterish, he has more critics. How stunning to see a man with opinions on everything -- a loudmouth willing to take on the world -- tone down his act behind closed doors because he couldn't take the heat.

And they're rehiring him for five more years?

Okay, what do you want the man to do? You tell him over and over that he's a vulgar, despicable loudmouth, and then now, in response to that criticism, he's toning down his act. And now you're criticizing him for that too??? You've gone beyond not making sense. This is fucking pathetic. The worst part is, you only wrote it because you're a fucking baby who couldn't let Ozzie's insults from last year slide. Who is it again that can't take the heat???? Keep firing bullets from the cheap seats Jay, I fucking can't wait for the next one.

(I HATE defending Ozzie Guillen)

You Know That Uncle or Weird Cousin in the Family That Makes Bad Jokes All the Time?

Well, in the Hardiman family, that would be Ed. This time, he numbered his dumbass attempts at humor. He's fast becoming my most despised sportswriter, even if he isn't the stupidest.

Face it ASU is the fork you can't pull out. Yep, you take the L from a community college there is no BCS Championship, no way no how. Consequently we found an easy way to tell Michigan from Appalachian State University so you can recognize how big a loss this is.

Believe it or not, this is actually going to be less funny than David Letterman's Top Ten. Tell me when this is done how the hell he got positive comments saying how funny he was. It reminds me of that time Jeff Pearlman got positive feedback for the Rickey Henderson article. I swear that people who read these things have serious disorders.

#01…ASU wears shoebox's Michigan wears cleats

HAHHAHAHA! What a STUPID, POOR, DIVISION II SCHOOL! WAHAHAHHAHAHHA!

On a side note, I don't point out grammar and shit too often, but shoebox's? Really? No comma, no period? Whatever. I'm not here.

#02…Michigan’s footballs are made from pigskin, ASU uses the actual pig.

What dumbasses....they're handing off, passing, punting, and kicking an actual farm animal. Can you believe that guys? Guys?

::chirp::chirp::

#03…ASU’s uniforms are made from used peanut sacks, Michigan’s match.

Logic would denote that if the peanut sacks are matching (how different could they be???), then this is invalid.

#04…Michigan flies a chartered jet to away games, ASU lets Granny sit in the rocking chair on top of the team Ford Model T.

I can't even comment on this effectively. Is this supposed to be a joke that makes sense? Like, I see what you're going for....the whole Michigan - normal/Appalachian State - poor thing. But Ford Model T? Like you're trying to say that Appalachian State is old and unevolved and for some reason puts 80-year-old women on top of their cars? (Michigan is way older than Appalachian State) Anyone not cool with giving this joke a grade of "F"? Didn't think so.

#05…Lloyd Carr is the coach of Michigan, the coach of ASU is also their daddy and brother.

Ha-yuk......a backwoodsman/inbreeding joke. Lovely. Appalachian State University is not located in West Virginia, Ed.

#06…ASU cheerleaders have most of their teeth Michigan’s have all of their teeth.

I'm pretending that Ed has been reading this out loud, on stage, live on Broadway, in front of thousands of people. Right about now, the crowd is out of tomatoes/other stereotypical things to throw (where do they get tomatoes anyway?) and searching for the sharpest things they have to chuck them at the stage in hopes that one of his eyes would be gouged out. This is one of the least creative jokes of all time, and for some reason idiots are applauding this shit. I'll quote some comments, just for fun (there's literally like no negative feedback, I swear).

LMAO and still can't stop laughing! Ed you are a FUNNY LITTLE NEWSPAPER DUCK!

ed...you kill me...this is getting printed and put on the fridge. the highest of compliments, my fowl feathered freak.

Ahh Ed, you crack me up man... good stuff.

To reiterate....this is being said about someone who just made a run-of-the-mill "rural people don't have teeth" joke.

Back to the crap......

#07…Michigan sings “Hurrah for the Yellow and Blue!” ASU sings “Pa Got The Still Workin’ Again!”

Oh HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA! Because they're RURAL. This totally isn't repetitive or anything. I wonder why people don't make these jokes about West Virginia University or something. Oh yeah. They aren't funny.

#08…Michigan games are broadcast on a satellite TV network, ASU broadcasts don’t reach the other side of the mountain.

Nothing really to say here except that this isn't really anything resembling a joke.

#09…Michigan players eat thick juicy steaks ASU players are happy to have vittles that didn’t die on a highway.

::sigh:: NEXT!

#10 Appalachian State University is 1-0, Michigan is 0-1!!!

Heyooooooooo! I was a bit scared that all of that wasn't going anywhere, but that super-awesome punchline reassured me that there was actually a point to all of that repetitive bullshit. Well done Ed. Those Appalachian State guys might be rural, toothless, and poor, but THAT DIDN'T MATTER ON SATURDAY DID IT??? You really drove the point home there.

Oooh here's one! Ed Hardiman may be a douche, stupid, douchey, unfunny, repetitive, and a douche, but the bottom line is foxsports.com still lets him write! I think I'll go ahead and write myself a "10 ways to tell the difference between Ed Hardiman and someone with a sense of humor", along the same lines.

I Mean, It IS the Title of the Site, Right?

My apologies for hitting the same guy twice in one day. But as soon as I finished the last post, I noticed he had published this garbage. I'm starting to agree with Jay/Chris W. on the "Fire Ozzie" issue, so his point is right, but Jay sinks ridiculously low in this one. I'll save time and just cut out the highlights.

I am genuinely concerned that Ozzie Guillen is about to say or do something that will shame him and his bosses forever. Hey, have I been wrong about him yet?

You are constantly wrong about him. I can think of maybe two things in the past you have said about Ozzie that were not wrong.

Not only is this man-child a poor loser, he's a scary loser, capable of who knows what as the $108 million White Sox stumble to one of the most underachieving and farcical seasons in baseball history.

Again, Williams paid the wrong players too much. Preseason predicted record: 72-90. I am starting to repeat myself as much as Jay.

[Please] note that the more he lights into his ballplayers, the further they go into the tank. After their 18th loss in 23 games Thursday evening, there is only one sensible conclusion about Guillen's leadership breakdowns amid a 94-122 nosedive since July 2 of last year.

Record of the Sox since July 2 of last year. There it is again. People, this is getting ridiculous. I bet most of you thought I was exaggerating last time when I said he mentions this in every single White Sox column.

He must be fired. Now, today, yesterday -- before the Sox lose every fan they cultivated two years ago.

You openly said last week that you weren't advocating firing him right now.

''Don't like me but win for me, and everything will be fine,'' he said. ''I'd rather they say that than, 'Oh, Ozzie is great, he's my friend, he love my kids and we're in last place.' [Expletive] that. When they see my wife, I hope they say, 'Look at that [expletive], that's Ozzie's wife, she's [married] to a piece of [expletive] like him.' Good, as long as in October we have the trophy. That's what I want.''

My God, is nothing sacred in his life? Yes, it's clubhouse boys' talk, but it's also another example of how clueless he is about handling adversity.

You are a fat, white, middle-aged man in a suit with a cushy job writing about sports. And you have the fucking nerve to tell someone belonging to an ethnic minority who is under the public eye and criticized constantly that he has no idea how to handle adversity. Mariotti, you have no fucking clue what adversity is.

Wednesday, he sounded hideous when he said, here in the 21st century, that his team is ''killing'' him, ''killing'' his family, ''killing'' his coaching staff, ''killing'' the fans, ''killing'' the owner and ''killing everyone.'' No one is dying here, chief. If the Sox have faded into their usual irrelevance, after a brief and aberrational run as champs, let's keep in mind that no lives have been spared.

Jay's Editor: Uhhh, Jay, you might want to change the last word of that paragraph.

Jay: Shut up Jeffrey. I don't need an editor.

Jay's Editor: But you see, you just wrote that no lives were spared, which means everyone is dead, the exact opposite of your point. I think you meant "no lives have been lo-"

Jay: Dammit Jeffrey, you've pissed me off more times since July 2nd of last year than I can even count. Get out of my face, you're fired.

Jay's Editor: Fine! You smell awful! I wonder if Mike Celizic needs an editor.....

But what really should bother us about his latest tirade is that Guillen, more strongly than ever, continues to harshly deflect blame onto his players. In truth, he is primarily responsible for the dismal, lifeless culture that has produced a 28-games-under-.500 reversal since the Sox ruled the baseball world.

You could put the best leader in history in charge of the White Sox, and they would still be awful. I don't know how else to explain it.

Just so you know, the perfect replacement could be available, too. Don't you think La Russa would whip them into shape? You may remember him as a young buck who managed the Sox to a division title in 1983. He was fired three years later by Hawk Harrelson, who somehow was dumber as a general manager than as a Reinsdorf-bobo broadcaster, and he went on to a Hall of Fame career in Oakland and St. Louis. This would be a nice way to rectify one mistake.

And eliminate another.

Right. OK. Sure. Tony La Russa could fix the White Sox. Totally uncrazy. Normal. Sane. Cool. That has about the same chance of happening as Michael Jackson fixing the national debt or Paris Hilton stopping the war in Iraq.

When the "Fag" Fires Back at the "Blizzard"

I've been quieter lately here, because last Saturday I moved out of my parents' basement and into an apartment (which is basement-less, so clearly, less blogging), and setting it up has been kinda hectic. But as long as Jay writes stuff like this, I can take a break from the toils and tribulations of apartment life and get angry enough to throw some disapproval his way. Again, it's about the Sox being bad, so the buzzwords are 1) "Blizzard of Oz" and 2) Record of the Sox since July 2 of last year,

No farewell to Ozzie?
The Sox failure of 2007 should put Guillen on a short leash, but Jerry's kid could get an extension. Sometimes, loyalty is bad business.


Mariotti's failure of 2007 to focus on any aspect of the White Sox besides Ozzie Guillen should put the Chicago Sun-Times on a short leash, but Mariotti could be around for years. Sometimes, stupidity and ignorant ramblings are a bad business.

I mean come on, even ESPN has paid a ton of attention to the Sox and the reasons they're faltering this year. Even if a lot of it had to do with the trade deadline, we have a network that usually ignores the less-popular teams and has to cover the entire league that has been a better source of informed opinions about the White Sox than a columnist that writes for the city's newspaper. No, Ozzie is not a good manager, but the best manager in baseball would not turn the White Sox into a good team, or even a .500 team.

They are, in a word, rotten. Not only have the White Sox underachieved like no other team in baseball, they've sunk to the crusty bowels of the American League Central, now trailing a small-market club in Kansas City that has spent $40 million less. Since July 2 of last season, the Sox are 91-114, meaning Jerry Reinsdorf is getting the least bang for his buck of any owner in the majors.

Obligatory reference #2. I'm going to second Mariotti's motion that whether or not a team makes the playoffs should not be determined by a single-season won/loss record, but by "team record since July 2 of last season" (for the non-frequent readers, of me/Jay, this appears in pretty much every White Sox article he writes).

Oh, and just so you know, the White Sox have not underachieved worth shit. Projected preseason record: 72-90. Winning percentage: .444 Current winning percentage: .443 They have not significantly over or under achieved. They have simply "achieved".

And yet, Jerry still loves Ozzie. You almost want to carve that into a tree and surround it with a heart, or scribble it in marker inside a bathroom stall.

You know what was even better? That time when Ozzie carved "Jay Mariotti <3 Men" into our minds last year!

''I can tell you that right now. Oswaldo Guillen, I love him,'' Reinsdorf said at the owners meetings, reaffirming that his manager's job is safe.

The fact Reinsdorf was asked by an out-of-town reporter, in Toronto, verifies that the Blizzard of Oz's shoddy performance the last two seasons is relevant beyond Chicago.

No, it verifies that news reporters outside of Chicago are still doing their jobs and trying to find news to report on the news for the purpose of news-reporting.

And that's the first of what will be many "reference #1"s. Ozzie Guillen is a Blizzard that lives in the fictional land of Oz. He's the mysterious witch of the south that didn't appear in the movie, where it is always cold, because he's always blowing snow in your face.

How many other managers allow a large-payroll, high-talent team to collapse into a lifeless, embarrassing blob?

Jose Contreras: 6.18 ERA. Old?: Yes
Nick Masset: 7.09 ERA
Mike MacDougal: 5.40 ERA
Matt Thornton: 5.45 ERA
David Aardsma: 6.40 ERA

So LIFELESS.

Bobby Jenks: Weight: 275

So BLOBBY.

(These things are all Ozzie's fault).

If this were happening in New York, Joe Torre's job status would be a constant subject, despite his four World Series titles. If this were happening in Boston, Terry Francona's hide would be smoking, despite his curse-breaking World Series championship. In most large-market situations, no manager can miss the playoffs in successive seasons and waste $100 million payrolls without being held accountable.

Maybe it's Kenny Williams' fault for spending that money where it isn't merited? Ever think of that? Maybe Kenny Williams paid too much for bad players! Kenny Willaims chooses where to spend the money. Kenny Williams. Kenny-Dub.

Jose Contreras: .7 WARP1
Scott Podsednik: .3 WARP1
Alex Cintron: -.7 WARP1

Total salary on the above 3 players who were projected to be bad this year: $13.8M
Total wins contributed: .3 above what 3 minor league players would have done.

But Jerry still loves Ozzie, like Romeo loved Juliet and Desi loved Lucy. But Jerry still loves Ozzie, like Romeo loved Juliet and Desi loved Lucy. Only on the South Side, apparently, does one World Series ring in 88 years of trying merit a free pass for the manager. Never mind that the Sox have lost eight straight games for the first time since the Jerry Manuel era -- he eventually was fired, I believe -- and just finished their first winless road trip involving six-plus games in 16 years. The beloved Blizzard couldn't possibly have anything to do with his team quitting like dogs, even though the manager is responsible for maximizing his talent. Not that the Blizzard agrees with that sports truth.

He doesn't have anything to do with the players being bad. That group of players was projected to lose 90 games this year by PECOTA. They're right on pace.

Except for a flash of destiny in October of 2005, the Sox have been a disappointing team in three of Guillen's other three seasons. I'm not declaring that he necessarily should be fired now -- I repeat: I'm not declaring that he necessarily should be fired now -- but for an owner to openly convey his unconditional love to a manager is dumb business.

You have been declaring that he should "necessarily be fired now" all season long. You have gone home every night and prayed to statues of Jerry Manuel and Terry Bevington that he would be gone. You've purchased a Jerry Reinsdorf voodoo doll to try to get it to happen. You have blamed every single failure of the White Sox on that man. Why are you trying to pretend that these things aren't true now? And you haven't qualified why an owner saying he loves his manager is bad business, not like I'd expect you to explain anything coherently anyway.

Reinsdorf seems to be more interested in protecting Guillen than evaluating the job he's doing. This isn't Milwaukee, Jerry. When a team is in Chicago, the World Series should be an annual expectation, not once in a lifetime.

Yes, for some reason, in Chicago, a city where exactly one World Series has been won in the past 89 years, the World Series should be an annual expectation. Not like in Milwaukee, where they just dick around all day and have sausage races. Chicago is one of those "trying" cities. Making perfect sense as usual, Jay!

And if the Sox keep losing in '08 at the same .443 clip, right down there with some of baseball's sickliest clubs, how can an owner of sound mind possibly bring back Guillen for several more seasons?

If the Sox are projected to lose more than 90 games next year, which is entirely possible, then a lot of sound minds would refuse to fire a manager of an overperforming team.

The Sox likely will try to trade Garland in the offseason, now that the free-agent market has been weakened by the signings of Mark Buehrle and Carlos Zambrano, and my guess is, he'll return to top form with his next team. Why? He never has seemed particularly happy with the Sox, recalling the day last year when Guillen wanted Garland to play OzzieBall -- that is, plunk a Texas batter in juvenile tit-for-tat warfare -- and he responded by twice missing Ian Kinsler.

So....Garland has never been happy with the White Sox because Guillen, one time last year, asked him to hit a guy. And....this lack of happiness is the reason that Garland was very good in the early part of this year and very bad in recent memory, even though the early part of this year was closer time-wise to the event in question that supposedly traumatized him. Cool. Glad I'm on the same page with your completely sane, sensible logic.

You'll hear much about the Sox pursuing Torii Hunter or Aaron Rowand in the offseason. But one free-agent signing won't solve what ails them. The Blizzard has lost his mojo, and whether you take seriously his immature phone calls to radio stations or irresponsible slurs of his imagined enemies, you must acknowledge that the entire package has been turned stale by losing. I've always said Guillen's act would be accepted if he won and rejected if he lost.

Yes, good free agents won't help a team that's like 50% full of minor-league quality players, because the manager has "lost his mojo".

Also: Guillen is losing, and his act is accepted, because he's possibly getting an extension. Accepted by who...you? You are possibly the least relevant thing in the world to the mainstream line of thinking. People don't like you Jay, all I hear when I bring up Jay Mariotti's name is "Ugh, I hate that guy, he should be fired. There should be a blog of some sort on the internet that says he should be fired." Chicago, and the world in general, does not share your line of thinking, regardless of what stupid mental images exist in your head of people being mindless drones that drool when you speak and cling to your every word.

I'm Sleepy, But Mariotti's Dumbness Keeps Me Going

It's nearing 3 a.m. CST here. I could either a) sleep, or b) make fun of Jay Mariotti. I've determined option b) is more important for my mental health right now.

The town belongs to the Cubs again, as if it ever didn't. You realized as much Tuesday when the evening sun gleamed upon a playoff race, the summer ivy, some ugly '70s Night wigs in the bleachers and a scoreboard where MILWAUKEE was the community focus. This while the White Sox swung and missed at the trade deadline, keeping in step with their swinging and missing all season.

You've been saying "the town belongs to the Cubs again" for weeks. No one "realized this" Tuesday, people have understood for awhile. You only said that as an excuse to transition into a bunch of anecdotal crap.

The White Sox, at least according to rumors made public, didn't get favorable offers. What did you expect them to do?

It was fun while it lasted, the afterglow of a South Side championship. But it turned out to be a momentary blip in time, more a cute accident than a long-term, earth-moving tremor in the social order of Chicago baseball.

Jay is acting as if the afterglow of one World Series championship is SUPPOSED to last for years and years. This is Dr. Jay Mariotti, speaking 2 seasons after the Sox won the World Series.

"::adjusts glasses:: ahem....It seems that after much research and study, the 2005 World Series was a thing that happened once, instead of some sort of earthquake that changes peoples' baseball allegiances. All of this research is the reason why I have little time, and am forced to write the same 5 articles over and over again"

Sure, the Cubs were negligent themselves in not helping facilitate their own World Series surge with a significant deal. I'd have preferred to hear that Lou Piniella paced the clubhouse floor instead of getting his weekly rubdown.

Jay is now implying that Lou Piniella needlessly worrying about the trade deadline instead of relaxing would have had some sort of effect on something.

And, yes, I'll also say there are reasons Cubs general manager Jim Hendry has won one division title in six seasons as general manager while his Hall of Fame counterpart, Atlanta's John Schuerholz, won 14 straight division titles, five National League pennants and a World Series. It's a resume that might need updating after Schuerholz acquired slugger Mark Teixeira and relievers Octavio Dotel and Ron Mahay at the deadline, making the Braves a pennant favorite again and a better ballclub than Hendry's.

pnoles: Jay, can you tell us why you think Jim Hendry has only won one division title in six seasons, while John Schuerholz won 14 straight division titles, five National League pennants and a World Series?
Jay Mariotti:, Well pnoles, I'll say that there are reasons.
pnoles: Reasons, you say?
Jay: Reasons.
pnoles: Ah, reasons, care to explain further?
Jay: Nope. There's just "reasons". It's just a sentence, man. Like there are reasons that the White Sox aren't good this year, and there are reasons I was hired to write for a newspaper, and there are reasons that plants don't have to eat other things to stay alive.
pnoles Ah. Thanks for being informative.

But at least the Cubs are relevant and vibrant, something the Sox can't say anymore. The Piniella karma is infectious, and all you need to know about the latest victory is that Jacque Jones lost a ball in the lights, leading to a run, then made up for his gaffe with an RBI double in the sixth inning of a 7-3 victory over the Phillies. That's ''Cubbie swagger,'' as Lou planned all along.

I'll remember this. Lou Piniella planned for Jacque Jones to lose a ball in the lights so that he would hit an RBI double in the next inning. Jay Mariotti, you are an idiot. A complete idiot.

Just once, you'd like to see both teams reach the postseason in the same year, but the Sox seem far from the fray after a bizarre day of inactivity that left a familiar face batting sixth and playing right field at Yankee Stadium.

A familiar face who is better than injury-prone Wily Mo Pena and so-so prospect Craig Hansen. A familiar face who has been tearing the cover off the ball since the All-Star break, and is making a strong case for the first half of this year being flukily bad.

Just so you know, they didn't award World Series MVP trophies in the early 20th century. And no, Mr. Smart Aleck, they didn't give one to Eddie Cicotte or Claude ''Lefty'' Williams for the Black Sox fix. Which means Jermaine Trevell Dye, by default, ranks as the only such honoree in this city's baseball history. Not that I understand one bit why he's still with the Sox today.

Not that I'm suprised, because you lack an understanding of most things. Like that World Series MVP trophies are dumb and can wind up in the hands of mediocrities like David Eckstein.

Whether the GM has been kidnapped, abducted by aliens or reduced to a Ken Doll, I'd really like to know what happened to Ken Williams. He made his name and won a championship with a feisty, kamikaze arrogance that made proactivity and aggressiveness a franchise trademark. But Tuesday, when the retooling of the White Sox was expected to begin with the trading of Dye, he once again failed to pull off a major deadline deal.

Let me summarize this. "Whatever happened to Ken Williams? He's failing to do the same things he was failing to do before!"

For the record, I'm standing pretty neutral on not trading Dye for Hansen and Pena.

A fair return for Dye, who is starting to play older than his 33 years, would have constituted landing power hitter Wily Mo Pena and young reliever Craig Hansen from the Red Sox. Seems Williams preferred another bullpen arm, Manny Delcarmen, yet when the Dye market shrank to nearly nothing as the afternoon closed, he should have cut his losses, made the trade and signaled that his club was starting anew.

Maybe they aren't starting anew. Maybe they'll re-sign Dye and land a free-agent outfielder and trade minor-leaguers for the Pirates' Brian Bixler and be a competitive team. Ever think of that?

Instead, in an awkward turnabout, Dye remains with the club. The missed opportunity to acquire new talent may or may not have contributed to the latest flipout by Ozzie Guillen, who needed one iffy ball/strike call in the first inning to raise a disproportionate amount of hell and earn an ejection after an in-your-face encounter with an ump. The Sox responded to Dye's unexpected return by dying another death themselves, losing 16-3 to the Yankees to drop their record to 85-103 since July 2 of last year.

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WHITE SOX ARTICLE YOU WRITE CONTAINS THEIR RECORD RETROACTIVE TO JULY 2 OF LAST YEAR, THE MOST ARBITRARY CHERRY-PICKISH DATE IN THE WORLD.

Since August 3 of this year, the White Sox are 2-0. Fuck you, Jay.

Fabulous as Dye was in the Series and last season, when he contended for American League MVP honors, he shouldn't be a keeper for the future. As Guillen says, the Sox need to be younger and faster. Even if Aaron Rowand returns as their center field, they also need to think about a right fielder, a shortstop, a second baseman and a left fielder, among other needs. A good start for the rehab plan would have been dealing Dye, particularly when the Sox won't receive offseason draft picks for him if they don't offer arbitration.

Re-signing Dye plugs the same exact hole that trading for Pena would have fixed. I don't see how this is a hard concept to grasp.

Side note: Ozzie Guillen is an IDIOT if he really thinks his ballclub lacks youth and speed. Remember that no-talent clown you have batting leadoff every day who projects to be a 5th outfielder at best?

Williams held firm anyway, rejecting the Red Sox. He knew what he was doing in 2005, but we never were quite sure what he was doing before that. Now, after doing nothing at last summer's deadline and making little impact this past offseason, we're back to doubting Kenny GM.

''It was not the day we had hoped for,'' Williams said. ''I'm not frustrated. The way we operate, this isn't a one-day affair for us. This is a process we've been working on for weeks. We weren't going to just make up a deal for change sake. There wasn't one that made sense for us.''

There, as much as I hate agreeding/siding with Kenny Williams, you posted in your own column his rational explanation for not doing anything. He's not going to just fucking make a trade for the hell of it. It has to be a GOOD trade. These are things a 1st grader could understand. Don't trade your M&M's for Good n' Plenty if you don't value the Good n' Plenty more than the M&M's. Why can't you understand this?

So are the Sox going to keep Dye? With Jim Thome and Paul Konerko creeping up there in age, I wouldn't recommend it. In my dream of dreams, they would pursue Alex Rodriguez, but I don't suspect chairman Jerry Reinsdorf will fork out $200 million when he's nearing his 72nd birthday. Rather, I suspect the Sox organization is thankful for its one World Series winner and is ceding Chicago to the Cubs after borrowing it for one autumn.

"ceding Chicago to the Cubs". There we go again. The goal of the White Sox is to win baseball games, not suck in whatever bandwagon moron fans follow the trendy team. To repeat. When the White Sox win baseball games, they get a lot of ticket revenue. When they suck, they don't. Their objective, therefore, and bear with me here Jay, it's complicated, is to WIN BASEBALL GAMES. NOT TO "CONTROL CHICAGO FANSHIP".

Of course, there always will be things that drive me nuts about Cubdom, such as Greg Brady -- Barry Williams in real life -- being allowed to sing the national anthem and during the seventh-inning stretch. And why didn't you make a move for an outfielder or reliever, Jim Hendry? Instead of the Red Sox helping their AL chances with Eric Gagne, wouldn't he have looked good in the Wrigley bullpen?

''I have a lot of faith in the guys we have,'' Hendry said.

Faith. That's all the North Side needs to sustain. And it's something the South Side no longer has.

Things I learned about the fictitious world that Jay lives in.

1) Greg Brady singing the national anthem is a federal crime.
2) Hendry should trade for Eric Gagne, because when you trade for a player it doesn't matter what you give up or if the other side is offering you an appealing deal. There's no further analysis needed, because not making trades for good players is always dumb. 29 teams in baseball failed to acquire Adam Dunn at the trade deadline. Therefore, they all are failures.
3) The North Side just needs to sustain "faith" and they will be fine.

This was totally necessary. I can finally say that I'm now losing sleep over how useless this man is.

This Guy Fills Out the Lineup Card With the Worst of Them

Just as the Cubs's swift turnaround is Lou's doing, Jay feels everything wrong with the White Sox falls on Ozzie.

Hold Ozzie accountable

Finger of blame needs to be pointed at their popular manager when burned-out Sox lack energy, focus, commitment, passion

No. Finger of blame falls on underperforming players, aging players, injuries, and the front office not doing anything about it.

Not that managers tend to have more than like a 2-game influence on a team's final record, but if I had to rank MLB managers, I'd toss Ozzie just slightly below the middle of the road. He's not as stupid as the things he says. It's just that his glaring weaknesses get ridiculed while his main strength gets ignored.

Start with the weaknesses. He runs his players into outs. He doesn't care about on-base percentage as long as you can run. He bunts and sacrifice hits excessively because he doesn't understand that, especially with a team that projects to hit a lot of HR, it's dumb to trade an out for a base. In essence, he's a poor offensive manager.

There's one very important thing he should get credit for. Ozzie, historically, has had a very low tendency to abuse his starting pitchers, removing them almost always before the dangerous 120-pitch mark regardless of performance. The way Ozzie keeps his starting pitchers healthy and durable came in handy in 2005, when the playoffs proved that there were no signs of fatigue after a long season.

More than once, I've been asked this spicy little question on national TV and radio: Should the White Sox fire Ozzie Guillen? And each time, I wasn't the only one who considered it a very fair subject, with two out-of-town commentators and a distant talk-show host suggesting the Blizzard of Oz blow away amid a revealing 76-92 demise since last July.

So like, 3 dudes agree with you, and you can't even provide their names. And for those who like to keep track, this paragraph contains the obligatory "Blizzard of Oz" reference. Seriously, explain to me how a hothead like Ozzie is a "blizzard". Just because it rhymes with "wizard" doesn't make it clever.

Only in Chicago is it considered a moot and even blasphemous point, mostly because hypnotized media sheep let Sox management dictate their thoughts instead of thinking independently.

Let me ask you something, Jay. When a person always takes the viewpoint controversial to the mainstream as you do, is that thinking independent? No, no it is not. Your opinions are one hundred per-fucking-cent dependent on what most people DON'T think.

As the slip-slide continues, chairman Jerry Reinsdorf has made it clear his beloved manager isn't part of the blame, which prompts general manager Ken Williams to echo the executive-suite sentiment, which prompts local mouthpieces to disseminate Soxpaganda.

Soxpaganda....weak sauce, dude, weak.

Truth is, while Williams let fungus grow on the ballclub and has been slow to the acquisition switch since last summer's trade deadline,

Stop, stop right here. This is the one time you are right in this entire article. Williams made no effort to win now with a win-now team. He decided to watch them age instead, and not address gaping holes at SS, LF, and CF (no, Erstad is NOT a solution....contenders don't compete by replacing bad players with slightly less bad players). Too bad that's a comma there after "deadline" and not a period.

the Sox still have underperformed by eight to 10 games in each of their last two halves of baseball.

Actually Jay, when you're given the aging of the team's players, the fact that Dye, Crede, and Thome had coincidental career years last year and were bound for regression, and the fact that the bullpen way overperformed in both 2005 and 2006, it's pretty reasonable to expect the team to lose 90 games like PECOTA projected. Do you really think that Ozzie is to blame for Dye's .227 EqA or injuries to Dye, Thome, Crede, Erstad, and Podsednik? (Granted the last two suck, but the guys replacing them are even worse) Do you?

And for that flaw, yes, you should fault Guillen.

Yes, despite the fact that there are 6 above-average players on the team this year, it's Guillen's fault that they aren't winning. A couple others (Terrero, Danks, Podsednik when healthy) have been mediocre, and everyone else has been bad-to-terrible. Granted, Ozzie doesn't put high OBP guys at the top of the lineup, in front of HR-hitting guys, like he should, but remember this fact, Jay....HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY. HE HAS TWO ABOVE AVERAGE HITTERS ON THE ENTIRE TEAM.

You should because the Sox too often lack energy, focus, commitment and passion -- variables that are his daily responsibility. They look burned out, and don't discount the possibility that he personally has applied the burnout with his nonstop onslaught of episodes, incidents, stunts, slurs and F-bombs.

You know, I bet the Sox players didn't injure themselves. Guillen's stunts and slurs caused Joe Crede to undergo season-ending surgery. His F-bombs accelerated the aging process. Because of Guillen's lack of responsibility, Juan Uribe is sporting a passionless, burned-out .219 EqA and is still the club's best option to play everyday at shortstop. (somehow, that number is lower than last years' when he had a .257 OBP)

When a team wins a World Series, follows with a 53-27 record in last year's first half and then takes one of the most sudden and bizarre nosedives I've seen in sports, the manager should be front and center on any accountability list.

Here's the problem with Jay's columns. He only really says one thing throughout the entire article. Each new sentence, paragraph, etc. is just a new way of repeating his wrong opinions. For example, this one right here, I could just reply like this again, because he hasn't said anything new.....

"Yes, despite the fact that there are 6 above-average players on the team this year, it's Guillen's fault that they aren't winning. A couple others (Terrero, Danks, Podsednik when healthy) have been mediocre, and everyone else has been bad-to-terrible. Granted, Ozzie doesn't put high OBP guys at the top of the lineup, in front of HR-hitting guys, like he should, but remember this fact, Jay....HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY. HE HAS TWO ABOVE AVERAGE HITTERS ON THE ENTIRE TEAM.

You know, I bet the Sox players didn't injure themselves. Guillen's stunts and slurs caused Joe Crede to undergo season-ending surgery. His F-bombs accelerated the aging process. Because of Guillen's lack of responsibility, Juan Uribe is sporting a passionless, burned-out .219 EqA and is still the club's best option to play everyday at shortstop. (somehow, that number is lower than last years' when he had a .257 OBP)"

The Sox program is stale, flat and not worth the price of admission, much less a $108 million payroll outlay that ranks fifth in the major leagues. So how do you not point at least a finger or two at Guillen?

Because Ozzie Guillen doesn't have anything to do with on whom that $108M is spent? You know what, forget it, I'm not here. Ignore that stupid, unreasonable blind guess of mine. Ozzie's fault. You win.

Even if he shoots a middle finger back.

::chirp::

The Sox have not capitalized on their championship, fading quickly as a local story and losing much ground in their stated quest to dent into the Cubs' massive popularity.

When was that quest announced? I'm curious, when the hell did they decide that was more important than winning?

TV ratings have dropped dramatically -- not helped by a depressing Hawk Harrelson, who goes silent for long stretches during losing skids -- and the organization seems to be in a panic state.

If it weren't so funny, I'd wish Mariotti and Harrelson would quit vying for the immortal title of "I'm not as much of a dumbass as he is."

The Guillen era has been fun and triumphant, but it also was a one-and-done proposition filled with headaches.

Name one team that has won the World Series twice in the past 7 years.

I don't even want to continue with this. Running short on time, and all this nonsense makes my head hurt.

Mychael, You Are Bad For Ball

Good for ball, bad for ball

A look around at what's working and what isn't in the Majors
-or-

Mychael Urban's Literary Offenses

A more accurate title would have been: "My Name is Mychael And Here Are My Feelings". Aside from the obvious misspelling or pointlessly unique deliberatemisspelling of his first name, Mychael has nothing interesting to say. Let's look at some drivel:

Here's how it works: Complete games are Good For Ball. There's nothing like watching a pitcher finish what he starts, mostly because it means he's gone through the same set of hitters three or four times with success, and that's a lot harder to do than you might think.

Okay, okay. Complete games are going down. They have been going down. I know this. But who the hell cares that you think it's bad for ball? I think baseball's as good as it once was, and as good once as it ever was. Sure, a complete game is cool, but that doesn't have much effect on The Game. Complete games are pretty much a statistical afterthought.

Conversely, yanking a pitcher after eight shutout innings because his pitch count is at 115 in a 1-0 game is Bad For Ball. Pitch count, smitch count. Let the man win or lose it on his own.

See the thing is, Mychael, you should take Dusty's relegation to the booth as a sign NOT to take his advice on handling a pitching staff. I am sure Mark Prior is glad that he won or lost those pointless games for the 2004 Cubs On His Own. Also I think this qualifies as a Lunchpail Alert: if you try and leave a game after 115 pitches but you only had the cojones to finish 8 innings, you are a pussy.

Mychael then goes on a rant about soap dispensers. It has nothing to do with baseball. I will spare you his feelings on personal hygiene. Maybe he only wrote that in to proves to his mother (who he emails his column to every day) that he washes his hands when he accidentally pisses on them while aimlessly waving his hand practicing the "y" in his autograph.

Also he praises Verlander's no-no. Honestly. Calling that Good For Ball is such a boring statement to make that I won't even dignify it with a simile.

One of the most tired scenes in baseball is the benches-clearing mill-about-and-do-nothing, but it sure beats a benches-clearing brawl, which is always a possibility when you have 50 grown men in close proximity, each of them a little hacked off about something.

So why not institute a rule similar to the NBA rule that caused so much controversy in this year's Western Conference Finals? Leave the bench and you get suspended.

What's that? Bench-clearings are part of the game, like fighting in hockey? Bullpuck. Beanball wars are part of the game, too, but that doesn't make 'em right. Let the guys on the field handle whatever business they must. Watching seven relievers running in from the bullpen, only to arrive about 40 seconds after the dust has settled is Bad For Ball.

Of course brawls aren't Part of the Game - that's why they're still cool. I don't know if there are notable hockey fights, but the few baseball scuffles that actually make it to blows are legendary. Kyle Farnsworth has made a career out of winning them. Nolan Ryan hammering on Robin Ventura is epic. Pedro Borbon (of old Reds fame) actually bit a Mets cap apart during one. Sure, a lot of the times baseball brawls are just disguised humping and arm-waving, but it's really nothing for you to comment on. The occasional fighting in the sport makes for amusing anecdotes, not for moral posturing.

And the phrase "Bullpuck" is not exactly going to get you into the dictionary, Shakespeare.

The entire Minute Maid Park experience in Houston is worthy of one of these columns, from the Chik-fil-A signage -- "Eat Mor Fowl" -- besmirching the foul poles (Bad For Ball) to the Cranium Cam -- live bobbleheads, anyone? -- on the big screen between innings, it's a smorgasborg for the senses.

The most pleasing entrée, however, is the sight of rookie Hunter Pence digging out a triple off the base of Tal's Hill. Never mind he looks 14 years old and, in the words of Oakland's Nick Swisher, looks "like one of those guys you see in old movies about baseball in the 1940s." This kid can flat play, and he's a breath of fresh air for Houstonians disappointed by their 'Stros this season.

And then there's the name. Hunter Pence. Clearly, he was destined to either play big-league ball or host a show on the Outdoor Life network. Good For Ball.

I feel like Mychael's finally getting to his main point - the subtle distinction between what's Good For Ball and what's Bad For Ball. This sounds eerily similar to the phrase oft heard on this site - "Playing the Game the Right Way". In this case, the Astros' ballpark is Bad for Ball because it's overly commercial and Hunter Pence is Good For Ball because he looks like a baseball player from the old days back before they even invented tv and advertisers still had to have jingles that rhymes. Nick Swisher watches movies where people Play The Game the Right Way. The Astros' organization is obviously not Playing The Game the Right Way.

If having your eyes set at strange angles, then this man is obviously playing the game the right way:

Then he goes back to bitch about brawls again - mentioning the intrateam scuffles that have taken place recently. This violates another cardinal rule of decent journalistic writing: don't repeat yourself. Then, you go on to bitch even more about how ads are Bad for Ball and manners are Good For Ball. Honestly, Mychael. You sound like a illegitimate love child of old-time-bird-dog-scout-man-who-was-on-the-road-a-lot who mated with a secretly lonely Mrs. Cleaver. It's a damn shame Major League Baseball can't find better writers for its flagship site.