Gene Wojciefaf;ejlfawefak;lfsdf'pawefawski

(I never get sick of "man, old Gene needs a new last name" jokes).

Anyway, he shifted to baseball mode. Which means I'm shifting into shit all over his face mode.

Playoff success all that matters to Angels

Now that's just fucking brilliant.

Josh Byrnes: "I don't care what the hell else happens. I just want the Diamondbacks to win the division and make a quick first round exit."

ANAHEIM, Calif. -- So here are the Los Angeles Angels, who pretty much clinched the American League West on Opening Day, who are so good opposing coaches tell closer Francisco Rodriguez, "We don't really like to play you guys," who might have the best owner in baseball and whose clubhouse might be the dullest thing this side of "Asparagus: The Documentary."

Wow. That is the worst-composed sentence in the history of the English language. 4 derivations of the word "who". Is that supposed to be clever or something? Let's check this one out piece by piece.

ANAHEIM, Calif. -- So here are the Los Angeles Angels, who pretty much clinched the American League West on Opening Day,

And had a worse run differential than the A's when the A's sold off their team...

who are so good opposing coaches tell closer Francisco Rodriguez, "We don't really like to play you guys,"

Attention everyone! If there's anyone out there that knows something about superlatives, please give ol' Gene here a lesson. Please? This was painful to read.

who might have the best owner in baseball

Probably.

and whose clubhouse might be the dullest thing this side of "Asparagus: The Documentary."

Larry, your Gene Wojciechowski = Michael Scott comparison is reallllly holding water.

They're in the HOV lane for 90-plus victories and a fourth division title in the past five years. And if you can find a weakness in their everyday lineup, the Rally Monkey will wax and buff your car.

OK, I'll give it my best shot.....I'm going to have to squint reallllly hard though.

How about this one? Every team in fucking Major League Baseball except the Braves has a left fielder who hits better than Garret Anderson. This is not a joke. If you rank every team's left fielder by EqA. Garret Anderson is almost dead last. He's worse than fucking Willie Harris. Does this count as a weakness? I think it does!

Good thing too. My car needs both of those things very badly.

Here's the problem: The Angels have a habit of acing the compulsories but falling off the balance beam during the postseason program.

I can think of 1532 easier ways to write that sentence. And only one worse. This is it.

"Here's the problematic nature of the situation: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (formerly just the Anaheim Angels, and formerly the California Angels) have a compulsive tendency to obliterate the opposition in the primary seasonal region of the baseball calendar but stumble off of a 30-story building in Parsippany, New Jersey during the schedule of baseball events that occur in the future with respect to the said primary seasonal region."

Angels outfielder Torii Hunter sits in front of his locker Thursday afternoon, a freshly poured cup of coffee at his feet, and listens patiently as I detail the playoff exits.

Why is this conversation between these two men even occurring?

Hunter is the guy who left the only franchise he had ever known (nearly 15 years in the Minnesota Twins' organization) for the one franchise he hoped would offer him a free-agent deal this past offseason -- the Angels. So yeah, it's sort of tough to convince Hunter, who literally scouted the Angels before signing a five-year, $90 million contract over the winter, that he might have made a career mistake.

This might be a liiiiiiiiitle off-topic there, Gene.

Most of all, Moreno wants what Hunter wants: a championship. He'll come into the clubhouse, pull up a chair next to Hunter and say, "I need a ring. I want a ring."

Hank Steinbrenner and Jerry Reinsdorf want.....?

Wanting and getting are two different things. The Angels are loaded, although the recent injuries to second baseman Howie Kendrick (placed on the DL Thursday with a strained left hamstring) and shortstop Erick Aybar (hamstring) could alter the postseason equation.

Aybar will be back in like a week. How does that matter?

Then we're talking about a lineup that goes Chone Figgins, Aybar,

Yeah, go ahead and bat that .316 OBP 2nd and pretend that isn't a weakness.

Teixeira, Guerrero, Hunter,

Very good, very good, overrated, still good.

Garret Anderson,

2nd worst starting LF in baseball.

Juan Rivera,

Yeah....no need to mention that he's having an absolutely terrible offensive season or anything.

Or that offense is 100% of the reason a DH plays baseball....

Kendrick

Yeah, so in Gene's world, Kendrick, a very good hitter, bats 8th, while Erick Aybar, a poor hitter, bats 2nd. Great. I totally believe you've seen an Angels game this year, Gene.

and catcher Jeff Mathis.

He's fucking terrible. Every team in Major League Baseball has a catcher who hits better than Jeff Mathis. Even the Angels have very underrated Mike Napoli, who should probably be in this spot in your batting order, but whoops! You just scooted over to MLB.com and noticed that they have Mathis listed first on the depth chart, didn't you? Rookie mistake from an old man, Gene.

Oh, by the way, on the whole, that lineup that you just fed me is not good. At all. Mayyyybe average-ish. Maybe.

All five starters in the pitching rotation have 10 or more wins (Joe Saunders leads with 14).

Those five men are pretty much the team right there.

And Rodriguez has as many saves as the Cleveland Indians and the Seattle Mariners
combined.

Put any of the top 30% of closers in baseball on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in place of K-Rod and they do the same fucking thing. If he wins the Cy Young over Cliff Lee (who is probably the most valuable player in the AL), that's fucking bogus, 58+ saves or not.

Teixeira homered Thursday night, his 28th of the year and eighth since the trade. That sort of power helps fill a pothole in the Angels' lineup.

No, it filled a Kotchhole. Kotchholes are like potholes except their presence doesn't slow down your car, and have a glove inside them that actually prevents future damage to your car.

Scioscia won't discuss the upcoming postseason because, well, I guess he's worried about the Angels blowing a 16-game lead in the division with 29 games left. This is standard-issue Scioscia doctrine.

"Let's talk about it a month from now," says Scioscia, the manager Hunter calls a "brainiac."

But...I thought the Angels only cared about winning in the playoffs?

A month from now will be the day after the end of the regular season. Then the playoffs will start. Hunter can already see it: a champagne fest, ring ceremonies, a Rose Garden presentation at the White House.

"I got that picture in my head," Hunter says. "But we got a long way to go, a long journey. When you get in the playoffs, everything is going to be different. … We could win 100-plus games, and it does not matter. When you get to the postseason, you got to change. You got to be totally different. Any mistake you make, you're going home."

The Angels can tell him all about it.

Great.

So Gene, thanks for writing this article in which you revealed to me the following things.

1) You have no clue that Howie Kendrick is a way better hitter than Erick Aybar
2) You think that listing off players constitutes proof that the Angels have a "loaded lineup"
3) You pretend that Jeff Mathis, Garret Anderson, and Juan Rivera aren't fucking terrible.
4) You don't have a clue that Mike Napoli exists.
5) You quite possibly are the worst composer of sentences the world has ever seen.