HAHAHAHAHA

I am working on a TMQR (no really I am), but then I saw this on Deadspin and I couldn't not cross-post it here.  It's both sad and super entertaining.  Bill Simmons, self-appointed god of all that is sports, has successfully annoyed the shit out of one of the 5 greatest NBA players ever.  Was Magic a great analyst?  No, but he wasn't horrible either.  He was kind of good.  More importantly, did he add legitimacy to ESPN's programming in a way that can't be easily replaced?  Yyyyyup.  But hey, at least Doug Collins is on board for the coming season.  So ESPN can take solace in the fact that an all time great player is gone, but he's been replaced with a top 1000 all time player whose career coaching record is a mild shade over .500 and who couldn't get the late 80s Bulls past the conference finals.

On the plus side, Simmons had the good sense to kick Wilbon's condescending ass to the curb.  So that's nice.  As I've said before, I loved the way Wilbon talked down to Simmons on NBA Countdown because Simmons deserves that kind of treatment, but it didn't make Wilbon any less detestable overall.  If I were Simmons, I would have had Wilbon fired before last season.  Wilbon is a twat.

A nice visit with some morons from the past

About three-ish years ago, I watched Around the Horn and PTI almost every day. It's true. I won't say what I was doing with my life at that time that enabled me to do so; it's mildly embarrassing and unimportant. I will say that after a few months of watching I got used to the buffoonery I absorbed on a daily basis. Sure, I knew I was watching a bunch of morons. But I didn't take the time to really process any of the specific instances of moron-ness I saw. It was just one big loud 60 minute shout.

That brings me to yesterday. I had a spare hour in the late afternoon/early evening and decided to take a trip down memory lane. Hoooooooooooo DOGGIE did it hurt. I didn't DVR the shows so I will relate to you only the worst bit I remember from each.

From ATH, I'll go with the panelists' responses to a (very reasonable- and I say that with no sarcasm) question: on Monday night, the Nuggets traveled to New Jersey for the first time since the Melo-to-the-Nets rumors died. Melo scored 35 but the Nets won. Who feels better about the night: Melo or Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov? Lots of interesting angles one could take here. Melo feels better because he got to stick his talent in Prokhorov's face even though it was Melo's refusal to sign an extension with the Nets that killed the deal. Or maybe Prokhorov gets to feel better because his team got to show Melo they don't give a shit about him. I dunno, be creative. Come up with something that is 1) responsive to the question and 2) not boring. Unfortunately the entire panel failed on both counts by each goin with some variation on

Well, Prokhorov has more money. So he's got to feel better about the game.

Fail.

The PTI bit I remember most vividly was much more infuriating because it was dumb analysis on a dumb topic (instead of just dumb analysis). The utterly irrelevant subject matter: Wilbon interviewed Ben Roethlisberger and asked Roethlisberger whether or not he feels like he's turned his life around. WELL BY JOVE, ROETHLISBERGER SAYS HE HAS! NOW THAT'S NEWS! A pro athlete that was skewered by the press and the public recently for being a total asshole is asked if he's still a total asshole. His shocking answer: no!

Anyways, Kornheiser of all people had to play the voice of reason once Wilbon brought this up and say that he (Kornheiser) was still pretty skeptical about Roethlisberger and that Roethlisberger still has some work to do to repair his off field image. Wilbon's indignant, snarky, wiseass response:

Well I'll tell you where he doesn't have any work to do: on the field. He's doing just fine out there.

Great. What were we talking about again? Thanks for the shiny, beautiful red herring.

Mike Wilbon in 2005: Barry Bonds tells me he's gotten past his animosity towards the general public and will no longer be an asshole to anyone, ever. I gotta say I'm buying it. He seemed sincere when he said that into my tape recorder during our interview that was scheduled well in advance and set up on friendly terms.
Me: Geez, I don't know, he's got a pretty long track record of being a complete douche. I think he's probably going to have to do more to-
Wilbon: WELL HE STILL HITS LOTS OF HOME RUNS MAYBE YOU FORGOT TO CONSIDER THAT.

Have you ever noticed how I always pick on Bonds when I do analogies like this? Wonder why that is.

In conclusion, ATH is still full of idiots (although some of them are new idiots), and more importantly Mike Wilbon is still a total piece of shit. Kornheiser gets a pass from me. This time.

Michael Wilbon sounds like an idiot

On Wednesday, Kornheiser and Wilbon were discussing some of the Pro Bowl snubs. Some of this is word for word, other is paraphrasing.

Kornheiser: I like Brett Favre, but I think Pennington probably deserved to go over him.

Wilbon: Forget Pennington; I want to talk about two other guys: Kerry Collins and Matt Cassel. I don't want to hear about QB Rating or TD/INT ratio. They've led their teams. The best record in the league still belongs to Tennessee. Kerry Collins and Matt Cassel belong in the Pro Bowl ahead of Brett Favre.

Surprisingly, Michael Wilbon didn't cry at all last year about Adrain Peterson making the Pro Bowl, despite the Vikings going 8-8 and not making the playoffs.

Kornheiser: By the way, Matt Cassel's record is the same as Brett Favre's this year.

Wilbon: I don't care; he's had a better season than Favre this year.

So apparently stats do matter after you get facialed by Tony Kornheiser.

Korneiser: You see I'd put in Pennington over Favre because Pennington has a +8 TD/INT ratio to Favre's +4.

Wilbon: Would you put in Collins and Cassel?

Kornheiser: Collins: no. Cassel: Maybe.

Wilbon: How?

I know it's hard to believe, Mike, but it seems as if Kornheiser has (perhaps mistakenly) locked onto a rational thought process. Seriously though, what does it say about you when you're getting schooled in logic by Tony Kornheiser.

Kornheiser: You know who I would put in? PHILLIP RIVERS WHO HAS 28 TOUCHDOWN PASSES TO 11 INTERCEPTIONS!

Wilbon: STOP! Stop with the stats. Don't turn yourself into a stat geek. Phillip Rivers' team stinks and he is the leader of the offense. I don't care if he has 100 touchdown passes, he has failed in the clutch.

Whereas Kerry Collins has been decidedly awesome with his 78.7 QB Rating, sandwiching him in between Neckbeard and Tyler the Skeleton Fucker on the QB Rating list. The only thing that matters is the win/loss record, which in no way effected by variables such as the other 52 guys on the team, coaching, officiating, weather, dumb luck.

Yes, lets just throw out all the stats when deciding who goes to the Pro Bowl and just base it off win/loss record (which may or may not be a stat). If only there was some sort of Bowl game that was just the best team from the NFC vs. the best team from the AFC. Man, that'd be Super.

UPDATE:

For those who don't know why I referred to Tyler Thigpen as "Tyler the Skeleton Fucker."

Pardon the Idiocy, Part III

I LOOOOOOOOVE the "Odds" segment on Pardon the Interruption. It exposes Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon's total lack of understanding of the concept of "probability". Oh, and there was a very dumb Tony quote in the process. Quote as close as possible.

The question was: What are the odds the Minnesota Twins take first place in the AL Central tonight? Tony?

The Minnesota Twins are remarkable in that they lost Johan Santana and are still only a half game out this season, and they're one of the best teams in baseball in that regard. They've won the last two, they're playing at home, they've got the momentum, I'm going....one-hundred percent.

1) The Minnesota Twins are one of the best teams in baseball at performing well after specifically losing Johan Santana. It's fair to say, because other teams have really tanked it after losing Johan Santana. Just ask the 1999 Quad City River Bandits, or the 2000 Michigan Battle Cats.
2) The White Sox should not even take the field tonight, because there is a zero percent chance they will win.

Searching for a voice of reason, we turn to Mike Wilbon, who says....

I like the White Sox tonight, I'm going with zero percent.

This is like the most highly regarded late afternoon sports program in the world.

ESPN, what kind of idiots do you have working here?

"The finest in New York."

Eh?

Hiatus

I'm going to be gone until the weekend following this one. My mom insists that I actually get some sunlight, for fear that my skin continues to lighten until it's lighter than white itself, so she's dragging me out of the basement and taking me to Mexico for a week. I'm probably going to just spite her by staying in the hotel room reading about projected baseball statistics, leaving only to go to the vending machine for some Fritos. Anyway, FireJay should be in good hands. With how much Chris W. and eriz have stepped it up on the posting lately, you guys should barely notice I'm gone.

The primary reason i'm posting, however, is that over the week during which I'm gone will be the one-year anniversary of me publishing my first article making fun of sports media (this was before FireJay). My first article was about Michael Wilbon saying the best team in the NBA wins the NBA championship 95% of the time. And man did I go off hardcore on that one. I busted out binomial probability distributions and shit to nerdily tear Tony Kornheiser's bane a new one.

Just last Thursday, I believe, on PTI, Mike Wilbon proved he has since learned absolutely nothing about probability. During that "Odds" segment where both Kornheiser and Wilbon throw out percentages of certain things happening, Reali posed this thought: "Odds of the Heat beating the Rockets tonight?"

Kornheiser said something low, and then Wilbon replies by yelling....

ZERO! ZERO PERCENT!

Apparently no one told the Miami Heat this, because those dumbasses took the court anyway. Happy anniversary of stupid odds-based claims, Wilbon. I hope Vegas hires you soon. Can someone explain how one of the least stupid people working for ESPN still has no concept of the likelihood of different things happening?

Michael Wilbon, Please Don't Make Me

A mini-PTI during Monday Night Football. I really like Michael Wilbon. I think he's smarter than most people who work for ESPN. He's smart and has good reasons for thinking the things he does. Tonight, the question was pitched to him: "Are the Yankees better off without A-Rod?"

(quote not exact, but close)

Absolutely. It's simple, you just look back at what happened before he got there! The Yankees won 4 championships just before he arrived, and have won zero since. What does that tell you?

It tells me, Mike, that baseball is a game where you not only need good hitting to win a World Series, but also good pitching. A-Rod can't supernaturally transplant his greatness into Mike Mussina's body, Mike Mussina needs to learn how to get hitters out himself. It also tells me that the MLB playoffs unfold in such random ways that the best team probably doesn't even win it all 50% of the time.

It does not tell me that A-Rod is some sort of Yankee poison that causes them to double over and barf awful performances all over the baseball diamond when the month of October strikes.

The correct answer to the general form of that question: "Is any team better off without the best fucking baseball player in the world?" is "no".