After Careful Consideration, Dayn Perry Decides that Winning is Good

Have you been wondering which MLB teams "need" to get off to a fast start this season? Here's the answer!

First, the painfully obvious.

Why are you writing it then? And leading your article with it, no less?

Look over baseball's six divisions and wild-card races and you'll find few clear favorites.

You can all see where this is going.

The Yanks, Red Sox or Rays in the AL East? The Dodgers, Snakes or even Giants in the NL West? Mets, Braves or Phillies? Heck, you can make a case for any team in the AL Central. And that's to say nothing of the crowded wild-card frays. In fact, only the Cubs stand as clear divisional favorites. Likely, this will result in quite a few close races, and that means every game — for every contender — will be important.

So a good half, maybe even 2/3 of all teams, are "contenders." And all contenders must get off to good starts. Thus, nearly everyone must win games early in the season. This level of analysis is hurting my brain- did Joe Morgan ghost write this?

The silly emphasis on the September stretch drive

First time I've ever heard it described as silly. Mets fans might not agree.

obscures a vital fact: The games in April count just as much as the games in September.

The cliches are beginning to pile up- everyone get out while you still can!

If a team blows the division by a single game, then that 9-2 yawner of a loss in April is as much to blame as the white-knuckled 4-3 defeat on the season's final day.

(Larry B takes out abacus, plays with the beads in a meager attempt to confirm this crazy mathematical theory)

With so many tight races ahead, the playoff hopefuls can't afford slow starts.

By which you mean pretty much no one can afford a slow start. Other entries on Dayn's "Can't afford a slow start" list- pitchers, hitters, guys who are mostly used as defensive replacements, managers, umpires, and beer vendors.

I've heard more relevant analysis from players and coaches who get interviewed during their jog into the locker room at halftime of a football or basketball game.

Peter King: Fat, Stupid, and an Embarrassment to Journalism

Is there any way he could ask dumber questions? I understand that not every question a reporter gives to a star is going to be hard-hitting and thought-provoking. But this asshole takes the idea of tossing softballs to ridiculous levels. Check out his interviews with three NFL quarterbacks from this week's MMQB. After each section, I'll write what I think he probably asked each in order to get the answer. When you're done, ask yourself if King has helped you learn anything substantive about these players.

First, Ben Roethlisberger and his risky decision to dive for a touchdown on a scramble towards the goal line in spite of having a hurt shoulder:

"Heck no,'' he said after I asked if he had thought twice about exposing his shoulder to that risk. "I will never ... Casey Hampton said to me on the sidelines, 'What are you doing scoring? Why didn't you just go down at the one?' I said, 'Hamp, don't you know by now? That's my heart.' I'm a competitor. I want to get in the end zone. And I want to win. Period. I don't think about running the clock out. I don't think about saving myself. It'll take someone to bring me down. It's the competitive side. [Coach Mike Tomlin] tells me, 'Don't take a hit. Get down, slide.' You have to pick your battles. You have to know when to do it. In that situation, it's competition.''

King's question: "So, Ben, do you like to win? Are you the kind of guy who wants to give it all for his team, play like a champion, and be an inspiration all of America? Or would you rather play it safe, and not play like a champion and not try to win?"

Next, a certain Jets QB who Peter would be happy to butt-tongue if given the chance, regarding (surprise, sur-fucking-prise) his future:

"And it's been great. It hasn't been all smooth, but I've enjoyed it. I'm having fun. Now, if we were 3-8 instead of 8-3, I know I'd be back on the farm next year and it'd be over. But I'm just going to play as hard as I can every week the rest of the way and we'll see how it goes.''

No promises about next year. He just doesn't know yet, and he's not allowing himself to think ahead. He did think ahead about one thing Sunday, though.

King's question: "Brett, are you pretty much done thinking about this season? Have you pretty much decided that it's time to stop worrying about anything that happens between now and February, and just start thinking about whether you will grace us with your presence for one more year? Or are you still kind of thinking about how your team is 8-3 and rapidly becoming a playoff contender? And if so, what is your strategy for the rest of this season- are you actually going to try, or are you just kind of going to half-ass it?

Also, can I drink some of your urine?"

Similar idea for New England's Matt Cassel:

The easiest way to get put off by the polite Cassel is to mention he's about to be a free-agent, and he's about to make a jillion dollars somewhere in 2009. He knows. He's not stupid. He just doesn't want to hear about it now.

"We'll see,'' he said. "I honestly don't think about it. I just want to keep playing, and let that take care of itself when the end of the year comes.'' Smart man.

King's Question: "Matt, are you at all thinking about this season anymore? Granted, your team is still in the thick of the wild card and division title hunt. But have you decided not to worry about that, and just pretty much mentally check out? Do you spend all your time obsessing over getting a big contract from a new team next summer?"

Seriously, fuck this guy. What a zilch. Oh, and a nice little hypocritical complaint from PK at the end of his predictably awful 10 things he thinks he thinks:

If I read one more story about where LeBron James might play two years from now, I'm going to puke.

Yeah, you've never run a story into the ground or anything. Never happened. No way you would ever strongly contribute to the media's infatuation with a story that gets incredibly fucking old.

Let's See, How Can We Cram More Sponsorships Into the Broadcasting of Sports?

Oh, I know. We'll invent this little segment/thingy called "Keys to the Game," in which we come up with something totally irrelevant and confusing that the teams playing today are allegedly focusing on. And then we'll get a corporation to pay for the right to attach their name to it. Ahhhhhhh. Life is easy as hell when you own a major TV network.

Last night's Ford/Miller High Life/Viagra/Cialis/Just For Men/Wrangler KsTTG for game three of the NLCS on FOX-

Phillies: Change of venue- same winning menu?

So basically, can the Phillies win the game? This isn't even a statement, it's a question. And it's the most generic question you could possibly ask, other than perhaps "Phillies: are they a baseball team?" And it's been shoehorned into one of the most awkward analogies I've ever seen. Sure, playing sports is just like ordering food at a restaurant. I think that's pretty self evident. The best part of this was listening to Tim McCarver read it.

Dodgers: Remember August 30th (when they beat Dan Haren)

Yeah, that's perfect. Dan Haren is starting for the Phillies tonight, right? No? Well, surely the Phillies are starting someone who pitches like him. A RHP with a good sinker who throws in the low 90s. No? Jamie Moyer's nothing like that? O....K. Well, I can definitely see why this would be a key to tonight's game.


As I see them, here are the ever-present "Keys to the Post" for us here at FireJay:
1. Use computer?
2. Fat people jokes
3. Sports, or maybe other stuff
4. Rip off other blogs, as fun as playing with POGS
5. Very outdated references

Someone Please Enlist Scoop Jackson In a Deep Space Exploration Program

[Sometimes, I try to tackle an article but it's just so infuriating and ridiculous that I can't bring myself to do a good job. I'm just too frustrated, have nothing to work with because the article is just an abyss of stupidity, or both. This is one of those times. I'm admitting it up front- this post is going to suck. I'm not proud of it at all. Read if you want, but if you want to spend your four minutes doing something more productive, I'll briefly summarize it for you right now: Scoop Jackson is a fucking dolt.]

The US Mens Basketball team just won the gold medal they were (sort of) favored to win. It's a pretty good story. So if you're Scoop, how do you ruin it? QUICK! Take a fucking preposterously contrarian stance! I'm not even exaggerating- this might be the most outrageous article I've ever seen in that department.

Did the Redeem Team Really Come Through?

Yes. They went undefeated and won the gold medal.

Now what?

Quit your job immediately. Donate all your money and worldly possessions to charity, move to the mountains, and stop bothering people.

Now that the best $40 billion in sports has been spent. Now that IOC president Jacques Rogge can say "I told you so" about why the committee chose China. Now that Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt have ascended to the Tigersphere, while Liu Xiang and Matthew Emmons have descended into an Olympic sorrow that always outweighs the joy most athletes leave with.

Completely irrelevant. This is like starting an English paper about Dante's Inferno with a series of random facts about Italy.

Now what?

Now that the United States has supposedly redeemed itself in the basketball world, now what?

Yes, you read that right, "supposedly."

How deep. You're really making me question everything I once thought I knew. Now that Michael Phelps SUPPOSEDLY just turned in the greatest individual performance in Olympic history... GASP. What if he didn't? WHAT IF, PEOPLE, WHAT IF?

The reason caution needs to be thrown in the post-Olympic detox is because it seems like, as a nation, we are getting a little caught up. Caught up in the belief that USA's gold medal in men's basketball brought back everything the country lost in the game during the past 16 years.

Sweet mother of fuck. Are you kidding me? What, exactly, did we lose in the last 16 years? One Olympic gold and a couple of World Championships?

Some are even going so far as to say this team could compete with, and on occasion beat, the original Dream Team. Again, too caught up.

Maybe. But who cares? Who is judging this team with that criterion? Can't we just be happy with what we've got?

Yes, the Redeem Team did what it was supposed to do.

Great. Here's a great opportunity to end the article, no hard feelings.

But now that we "re-hold the gold," is everything really back to the way it used to be? Back to the way it should be?

WHO CARES, WE FUCKING WON. 1992 isn't coming back anytime soon. We'll never be that far ahead of the rest of the world again.

It all depends on your definition of "redeem."

Semantics. Riveting journalism.

After it was over, Carlmelo Anthony said, "I think we did a hell of a job of putting America back where it's supposed to be, which is at the top of the world." LeBron James said, "If it wasn't for the determination and willpower we had, we wouldn't be back on top of the world, which is where we are."

The question is, back on top of the world or back as rulers of the world?

More semantics. Thank God this guy gets his writing published on the front page of the world's #1 sports website.

Ask yourselves: Was America's mission just to recapture the gold in Beijing, or to re-establish itself as the premier basketball superpower in the world?

Call me nuts, but I'm pretty sure the second goal is included in the first.

Ever since the Dream Team left Barcelona in August 1992, there has been a sweeping rush by the rest of the world to get its hands on what the U.S. used to hold sacred and hold down. And it did.

Right. Because the rest of the world used to suck at basketball, relative to the skill level of NBA players. Once they started learning the game, they were able to raise that skill level and combine it with some crafty teamwork to the point that the NBA players don't have a gargantuan advantage anymore. And they never will again, either. They'll have to settle for "just" winning gold medals while exerting a pretty reasonable amount of effort.

Now, with the U.S. finally getting the gold medal back, it seems that the proper global basketball pecking order is back in effect.

But what happens after this?

NOTHING, WE ALREADY FUCKING WON

What happens in the 2010 FIBA World Championship? What happens in 2012, when it comes time to defend?

WE TRY TO WIN AGAIN

What happens when Kobe Bryant isn't around to make a four-point play with 3:10 left in a gold-medal game to save the team's asses?

THAT WON'T BE THE CASE FOR TWO OR THREE OLYMPICS, AND BY THEN HE'LL BE REPLACED BY SOMEONE WHO'S JUST AS GOOD

The bottom line is it's not always about the win. Sometimes it's not that simple. In the case of Colangelo & Co., there will be doubts -- even as well as they performed -- and questions regarding whether or not they did enough to reposition the U.S. as not only the team that won, but a nation the rest of the world does not want to face on a 94-by-50-foot battlefield.

Here's an idea. Conduct a poll of all the coaches and players on all the international basketball squads that qualified for any of the last two Olympics or World Championships. Tell them that they have to play one team, in one game, with their lives on the line. If they don't win this game, they will be shot on the court once the final buzzer sounds. And ask them: which team in the world they would least like to play in this morbid situation. If any of them don't say the good ol' US of A, they are lying.

Sure, the U.S. beat Spain by 11 to win the gold. But the bigger picture is it beat a team by 26 points fewer than it did only a week before, in a game that should have meant much more to the Americans than the Spanish -- and in a game in which Spain's starting point guard sat out and a 17-year-old ran the show.

It's time to face facts, people: we can't beat the second best team in the world by 37 every time we play them.

Sure, the Americans beat the defending Olympic champion, Argentina, by 20 in the semis. But the bigger picture is they did so with Argentina playing without its star (Manu Ginobili) for most of the game due to an injury, and its second-best player (Andres Nocioni) virtually playing on one leg.

Uh …

Yeah, "uh..." Go ahead. Finish your thought.

Where's the dominance in that?

Neither of those games were realistically in question after halftime.

For the next four years, the rest of the global basketball community will basically think, quietly yet collectively, "The Americans got the gold, but … " In other words, because of the way it won, the U.S. left open the conversation for any and everyone to finish that above sentence with, " … if Ginobili hadn't gotten hurt, or if Calderon had played, Argentina or Spain probably would have beat them."

BUT THEY DIDN'T

Yes, you read that right, "beat them."

I know I read it right. I'm fluent in English. Thanks for being so dramatic.

As in beat the USA, the Re-Dream Team. Even with the gold in its hands, the one thing that can be taken away from this Olympics is that the U.S. is back to being great, but not much greater than everyone else.

Yes, because everyone else doesn't suck as badly anymore.

Teams like Argentina might go so far as to place an asterisk next to this victory. Because, in their minds, they know.

Those are the most ridiculous two sentences in the history of sports journalism.

And, to be honest, that's not what we as a nation needed. The U.S. team needed to redeem itself -- not just to be the best, but to be the best by a wide margin.

1992 isn't happening again, Scoop. It's not. Deal with it.

Yes, the world has gotten much better at a game we love to call ours, and there probably never will be another era when the U.S. beats teams by 30-40 points when medals are on the line.

THANK YOU

But if the U.S. team is not able to expose Pau Gasol in a gold-medal game the way the Celtics did in an NBA Finals, then it's not yet time for us to start believing our own hype.

I couldn't care less how the X's and O's break down. I care who won.

And until the rest of the world is back to feeling that the U.S. is unbeatable in basketball,

This will never happen again.

until the U.S. separates itself from the rest of the world by sending a message saying "this is about more than a gold medal, this is about true redemption,"

Is "true redemption" in any way related to the concept of "True Yankee(s)?"

then we as a nation can't feel confident that the gold medal we just won is going to be ours again four years from now.

I sure am. In four years, I can guarantee you the US will field the most talented team at the London Olympics. Does that guarantee we will win the gold? No. Does it make me confident we will win the gold? Yes. And do I alone speak for the nation as a whole? Yes. The end. Scoop Jackson: in many ways, even stupider than Jemele Hill.

Who Did You Miss More: Me For the Last Week, or Gregg Easterbrook For the Last Several Months?

I'm sure the answer is "neither," but please read on anyways. You've come this far already- why not waste the next six minutes or so? To his credit, I will acknowledge that TMQ leads his first column of the 2008 season with a fantastic excoriation of Brett Favre. I couldn't agree more with his opinions on the matter. Of course, everything grabs the express train to Shitstown shortly thereafter.

The Book of Revelation Warns, "Verily, Ye Shall Know the End of Days Approaches When All Bow Before the Airheaded One." The Atlantic Monthly had Britney Spears on the cover.

You are a snob.

Buyers Received a Free Copy of Madden 2010: The 2009 Toyota Corolla went on sale in March 2008.

Nobody cares.

Excuse Me, Could You Move That Cargo Ship? I'm Trying to Tan: The MV Artemis was grounded by a storm off France and ended up sitting on a beach.

That's the whole item. There is no other text anywhere else in the article that relates to it or further clarifies why it's here. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Belgium's InBev brewing company bought Anheuser Busch, ending Budweiser's association with the American flag. "The Great American Lager" is now La Grande Bière Blonde Américaine. Days after becoming Belgian, Anheuser Busch signed a deal to sponsor the U.S. Olympic team through 2012. They will tell us not to worry when the training table menu for the U.S. Olympic team mysteriously becomes chocolates and burgers with bordelaise -- cheeseburgers with bordelaise being an actual fast-food item at Quick, Belgium's answer to McDonald's. They will tell us not to worry while Budweiser brewery workers in St. Louis are ordered to attend mandatory classes in snobbery and surrender, the Scylla and Charybdis of Belgian culture.

Oh, the irony. Those Belgians are such pompous asshats. Get over yourself, Belgium! (Actually, I've been to Belgium once, no joke. Spent one night in Brussels. The people seemed friendly enough, but really blew at giving directions. Anyways-)

Globalization Strips to Two-Piece: The Redskins cheerleaders were hired to promote a cricket team in India, and caused a local sensation by being "too sexy." TMQ does not recognize that there is any such concept as "too" sexy. Though you can understand why scantily clad cheer-babes did not mesh with cricket. Excitement and cricket do not go together!

Hey, and what's the deal with that airplane food? How come men always leave the toilet seat up? Black people and white people suuuuuuuuuuuure are different. Tip your wait staff, everyone.

New York Times Correction of the Year: The New York Times recently published a correction of a correction: "An article on Saturday about Representative Charles B. Rangel's defense of his use of four rent-stabilized apartments in Harlem, and a correction in this space on Wednesday, omitted the source of an assertion …"

Who edits this column? Seriously, I don't want to be a hypocrite and make a hacky joke, but this thing is long enough as it is. I really don't think this piece of crap or the part about the beached ship are 100% necessary.

Tracy, Hepburn to Star in "Wall-E II": Hollywood's best love story of the season -- the best old-fashioned romance a major studio has produced in years -- took place eight centuries in the future and involved mute robots. But then again, compared to most of today's megabucks Hollywood stars, mute robots have broad acting range.

I'm imagining Gregg delivering this in front of a gritty brick wall with a spotlight shining down on him. I'm also imagining a distinct and deafening silence ensuing shortly thereafter.

"Michelangelo's 'Pieta & Robin' Left Me Staggering!" -- Orvieto Daily Etruscan: An Associated Press critic called "The Dark Knight," a movie of recycled comic-book clichés, "an epic that will leave you staggering."

I didn't think it was the best movie of all time, but I can't disagree that the presentation very well may have left me (figuratively) staggering.

The Arizona Daily Star compared the film favorably to Michelangelo's "David."

I'm sure that comment wasn't meant to be intentionally over the top.

Gives New Meaning to "Cheat Keys": If the NFL won't suspend Bill Belichick for his sins in Spygate, how about this punishment: Put him on the cover of the next "Madden" game!

I can't think of any other ways to point out how unfunny this guy is.

Though it is Possible God Sent Erwin Lutzer and Sharon Stone to Punish Humanity: Erwin Lutzer, pastor of the ultra-fundamentalist Moody Church of Chicago, said on Fox News that God sent the China earthquake to punish the Chinese government for persecuting Christians. The Chinese government does persecute Christians, but Lutzer's claim was too much even for Fox News -- the host countered that the dead were poor people who do not make government policy. The same month, Sharon Stone suggested the earthquake was "karmic" retribution for Beijing's repression of Tibet. This cost Stone her role as endorser for Dior, which is selling well in China, and inspired the official Xinhua News Agency to dub Stone "the public enemy of all mankind."

Please -- it was an earthquake, a spontaneous movement of the Earth's crust. It was not sent by God, by the karmic wheel or by any larger agency. It just happened. Some Christians insist on believing God controls daily events; there's no indication of this in history, and this is never claimed in scripture. (The notion of divine control of daily life comes from preaching and from hymnals, not the Bible.) As for karma, many forms of evidence, for instance the world's corrupt wealthy people living in luxury, run against the contention that misdeeds are repaid by fate. Like all natural disasters, the earthquake was just something awful that happened. Don't insult the dead by saying a cosmic force actually wanted them to die.

I've got two words for you: Football. Gods. And if you think Easterbrook doesn't actually believe in them, just go back and read (among others) the piece he put out after the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Hilarious, yes- but also thoroughly insistent upon the existence of karmic/cosmic forces.

Warning: Read Thriller Under Water: Ads for the latest from genre-thriller writer David Baldacci contain the statement, "When Balducci is on fire, no one can touch him!" If he was on fire, no one would want to touch him.

Taking everything really literally- always a great comedic tactic.

Leftover Draft Point No. 1: Every football pundit comments on who the teams took -- what about who they didn't take? Below are the results of trade-downs in the first round of the 2008 draft, noting who passed on whom and what the team gained by trading down; the list takes into account players you'd have thought the teams would have been interested in. New England passed on Sedrick Ellis, Derrick Harvey and Keith Rivers, in order to take Jerod Mayo and gain third-round linebacker Shawn Crable. Baltimore passed on Rivers, Mayo, Leodis McKelvin and Ryan Clady in order to take Joe Flacco and gain third- and fourth-round picks minus a sixth-round pick. Detroit passed on Branden Albert in order to take Gosder Cherilus and gain fifth-round wide receiver Kenny Moore. Houston passed on offensive tackles Jeff Otah and Sam Baker in order to take offensive tackle Duane Brown and gain running back Steve Slaton, plus add a sixth-round choice. Philadelphia passed on Otah and Baker in the first round, then high in the second round passed on Jordon Dizon, Malcolm Kelly and Limas Sweed, in order to take Trevor Laws and Quintin Demps, plus bank Carolina's 2009 first-round pick. Green Bay passed on Dustin Keller, Kenny Phillips and Devin Thomas in order to take Jordy Nelson and gain Dwight Lowery.

This is extremely relevant right now, before any of these guys have played a down or established themselves as useful or crappy. Thank you so much. I'll be sure to come back and re-read this list one to three years from now, when it actually means anything.

Phase One of Rupert Murdoch's Master Plan for the Wall Street Journal: From the Wall Street Journal's "Fiscally Fit" column by Terri Cullen: "The recent rise in gasoline prices has prompted my husband and me to change a few habits to save money -- to cut back on unnecessary car trips ... and switch to a gas station that consistently offers lower prices." Wait a minute, why were you taking "unnecessary car trips" in the first place? Why merely cut back, why not eliminate "unnecessary" driving? And if you know of a gas station that "consistently offers lower prices," why weren't you already patronizing it? Remember, the speaker is a financial advice columnist!

*Larry B stares blankly at his computer screen*

TMQ Disclaimer: Linebacker Violence, English Language, Cheerleader Sensuality: TMQ dislikes movie disclaimers that warn of "action violence" or "sci-fi violence," suggesting these are, somehow, not "violence."

It sure is hard to get anything done around here with all these bulky straw men filling up the room. Listen, pud- those disclaimers aren't there to suggest to viewers that the movies aren't violent. They're there to clarify the type of violence involved, because to many viewers, certain types of violence are "worse" than others. Case in point-

In this summer's euphemisms, ads for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" warned of "adventure violence" -- it's not really violence if you're having an adventure!

You know why the ads say that? Because "adventure violence," e.g., an exciting car chase, isn't really on the same level as "intense wartime violence" or "graphic rape violence." It's not too hard to figure out. Yes, the movie companies are attempting to downplay the violent nature of their movies a little bit. But it's not like they're denying the existence of the violence.

Ads for "Prince Caspian" cautioned of "epic battle action and violence," ads for "The Incredible Hulk" warned of "intense action violence." How is "intense action violence" different from "violence"?

It's a subset of the general category. Not hard to figure out. They're clarifying, not eliminating.

Ads for "Wanted" cautioned of "strong bloody violence" -- is there meek, lighthearted violence?

Yeah, I'd say there definitely is. Someone stomping on a flowerbed might fit the bill. How about a car crashing into a lamppost at 5 mph? Just saying.

Ads for "Speed Racer" -- a children's movie! -- cautioned of "some violence." In what sense is "some violence" different from violence?

It means that parts of the movie have violence, but it's not a thoroughly violent movie from start to finish. Fucking fuck- you have to explain everything to this guy.

Department Store Promotes Beefcake; This Really Must Be the Third Millennium: The San Francisco Chronicle ran a full-page ad showing a nearly naked David Beckham wearing Emporio Armani undershorts, the photo angled to emphasize the bulge of his crotch. It was a Macy's ad! The Macy's Beckham near-nude photo also ran as a billboard in San Francisco's Union Square. Maybe there's something about David that Posh doesn't know?

Because obviously he has control over where Macy's posts his picture. (Oops. I just tried to be funny by taking something too literally. FireJay- where hypocrisy comes to live!)

Amazingly, the Aston Martin Did Not Suddenly Convert into a Submarine: James Bond was attacked by an irate Chilean mayor. Carlos Lopez was angry that though the new Bond movie was filming in the rustic Chilean town of Baquedano, the scene depicts Bolivia. Later, the formulaic-action-movie gods punished the Bond producers by causing an Aston Martin being driven to a set in Italy to plunge off a road into Lake Garda.

Dude. You're killing me.

I think this has been sufficiently long, anyone disagree? Feel free to leave a comment. And if it's a negative comment, feel free to shit in a hat and then put it on and wear it around all day.