60th Birthday

 My sister would turn 60 years old today, which sounds very old to me... but then again, I turned 39 this year and we are 21 years apart.  Time sure marches on.

I googled "Things to do on your sister's 60th birthday".  Several ideas included tandem sky-diving, getting tattoos, a weekend getaway, a cruise, and a garden party or BBQ. All interesting ideas.

Here is a picture from her 30th birthday when her husband surprised her with a trip home to West Michigan where my parents hosted a big family birthday party.

I hope you're having a happy sixtieth birthday, Trace.

I miss you.

Happy Heavenly Birthday!

 Wishing my big sister, Trace a happy heavenly birthday.

My sister and I were nearly 21 years apart, and she died when I was 18 and she was 39.

Since we did not grow up together, we were never close sisters the way I hope my girls (and boys) are close to each other as brothers and sisters, but her life and her death had a tremendous impact on my life, and I sincerely wish she and I had had the chance to grow closer in my adulthood.  I do feel we were robbed decades of times together that could have strengthened our relationship.

My hubby never met my sister (literally no one I met after high school ever met my sister), but when we were considering names for our first child, he understood the significance behind considering the name Tracey if our child was a girl.  On January 24, 2014 at 7:56pm, eleven years, seven months, and sixteen days after my sister died, our first child was born and my hubby joyfully announced that she was a daughter.

Shortly after she was born, we looked at each other, and then looked at our baby girl and said, "Are you Tracey Ann?"  Tracey after my sister, and Ann as a middle name which is his mother and sister's middle name.  And yes, we all three agreed, that was her name.

We have chosen several family names since the first one of Tracey Ann, and we always find similarities between special traits in our individual child and the special person for whom we chose their names.

As I've mentioned before, my older sister LOVED animals.  She had A LOT of pets -- both throughout her life over the decades, and at one time... A LOT OF ANIMALS.  Well, who am I to talk... I have A LOT of children (LOL).

But something I don't bring up often is the fact that she owned a store in a suburb of Minneapolis called ROMANCING THE STONES, where she sold beautiful home pieces and jewelry made from rocks and minerals.

Knowing this, and knowing that it is not something I ever discuss with my kids, I find it incredibly fascinating that my Tracey thoroughly enjoys learning about rocks and minerals.  And not just learning about them - sorting them, studying them, reading about them, polishing them, and naming them. 

Just another of those incredibly special things shared between my Tracey and my sister Tracey.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Trace!

The Best

 I have the best mini Valentine's any Mama and Wifey could ask for!

Hubby's grandfather passed away and originally we thought we were going to have to leave for St. Louis last weekend, which would have meant the kiddos would miss their school Valentine's parties.  Certainly not the end of the world -- but to our children, they were heartbroken.

Well, the service is not until the end of this week, so we were SO happy that they were able to attend the school parties with their friends and then leave for St. Louis later that same day.

Last Night

 Last night I was reading to the kids as they were falling asleep and grief just bubbled up almost out of nowhere.

It had been a harder than usual night.  Hubby has started working a second job as a waiter at a local restaurant, so I run the show at home nearly every night by myself.  I could tell ALL the kiddos were more tired than usual, so I gave them an early dinner and tried to keep a handle on things, get chores done, get ready for school tomorrow, and corral the children towards bed.

Of note -- Howard came home early from school today because he vomited.  Throughout the evening, he was feeling really well and acting like his normal self... until he wasn't.  Then, during the chaos of everyone clearing the table, doing chores, Hunter slipping and biting his lip (and crying), and Brady wanting to be fed (and crying), Howard's dinner of jello and applesauce came up -- thankfully in a bucket, but it was not a smooth evening.

Along with the normal bedtime stressors tonight, I had the added plot line of wondering if anyone else is going to come down with this stomach bug.  Hunter had it last Wednesday and it last about 24 hours.  Howard showed NO indication of being sick at all until this morning before school when he casually mentioned that his throat hurt a little.  I made him some tea with honey and told him it would feel better when he got to school -- whoops.

So along with the all the normal bedtime routines, I find myself asking children, "How does your belly feel?" and "Do you think you should sleep with a bucket just in case?"

With Hunter finally settled in his crib, and Howard relaxing in Mama and Daddy's bed, I read the bedtime story to my girls while I was nursing Brady.  We are almost done with the fast read, Sarah, Plain and Tall.

We are to the part of the story where no one knows if Sarah will stay or return to Maine.  The children love Sarah, but they know she misses the sea, and the trial month is almost over.

During the chapter I read last night, the neighbors, Matthew and Maggie came to help with some plowing.  Maggie and Sarah had a chance to talk while they planted a garden together.  Maggie was from East Tennessee and answered an ad to be Matthew's wife a few years before.  For anyone who doesn't know, Sarah had come from Maine in response to an ad for a wife that Jacob placed earlier in the year.  The women were talking about the things they missed from their homes -- Maggie misses the mountains and Sarah misses the sea.  Maggie misses her friends and Sarah misses her brother and her aunts.  They both admit to being lonely.

The women wisely agree that there is always something to miss wherever you are.  Anna (Jacob's daughter who is 9) overhears the women talking and thinks to herself that she misses her mother who died six years prior.

And suddenly I had to catch my breath and try to keep from crying... because I miss my sister.

I miss my older sister Tracey who never got to see my as a Mama -- on my best days or my hard nights.  She never got to meet any one (let alone six) of my children.  I moved to this small mountain town to make a life with my husband (although not in response to a newspaper ad like the women in the story), and I have things that I miss.  Some people and things are only a phone call or facetime call away -- Tracey is farther than that.

My sister who has never met these amazing children I am so blessed to call my own.  She has never met my husband.  She has never known me older than age 18.  She has missed the most exciting and joyful parts of my life.

Most days life rolls along at a quick pace full of chaos and joy.  Occasionally grief still takes my breath away.

March 12

March 12 is my sister’s birthday. 

My girls each have two sisters. My boys each have three sisters. 

I had one half sister and she was born 21 years before I was. 

She died when I was 18. 

When I grieve my sister, I grieve the years we never had together more than I miss the years we did have together. 

At one point in her adult life she had two dogs, two cats, and 12 birds. A little excessive, one might say. I tolerated the birds. There were some that I liked and some I did not like, but I tolerated them all. 

Fast forward 20 years and I have one dog, one cat, and five children. A little excessive, one might say. Would my sister relate to my children the way I related to her birds? Would there be children she likes and children she does not, but would she tolerate them all?

Or would our common excess — her excessive animals and my excessive children be our true common ground in understanding each other?  Perhaps in our different eccentricities, we would find kinship and true camaraderie.

Perhaps.

I Wonder

I'm not sure if I have mentioned how much my sister, Tracey, loved Colorado, and specifically Vail.

She finished college in 1985 (I think...) and moved to Vail, Colorado where she worked a number of seasonal jobs for awhile.  She met her husband in Vail.  They had their first year or so of marriage in Vail, and then the moved to Minneapolis for his job.  She often talked about her desire to move back to the mountains but she was never able to do so in her life for a myriad of reasons.

Her ashes are scattered in Vail so her remains were returned to the place she loved so much.

We are often in Vail on June 8th, the day of my sister's death, but it is usually a very happy day filled with family activity, laughter, and joy.  I remember it as the day my sister died, but it is not a day consumed with the grief of the day she died.

To spend these days in Vail though, I do find myself wondering a few times of the "What ifs..."

"What ifs..." are not something I spend hardly any time thinking about in any aspect of my life because I see no point to them.

And yet, as I walked along the trails with my kiddos and called my daughter, "Trace" several times, I couldn't help but wonder what if my sister had lived, and what if she had returned to Vail, as she so wanted to do.  Instead of this little family getaway at the Go-Pro games each year where my family gets time alone, would it actually be special time with Aunt Tracey every year?  Would she meet us in Vail for all the activities every year and enjoy the games with her nieces and nephew?

The fact my daughter Tracey cannot walk past a dog at these Mountain Games without asking me if she can go pet the dog (and there are HUNDREDS of dogs here) -- what if my Tracey was able to spend time with her Aunt Tracey and Aunt Tracey's ZOO of animals.  How special would their relationship be in their mutual love of animals?  What if I were able to send my children to their aunt's house for an animal fix every time they wanted a new pet instead of what I tell them now, "We'll discuss it when we're done having babies."

I'm sure if my sister had been alive these past seventeen years her life would have influenced mine... my life might be completely different had she lived, but I cannot wonder about that.

I cannot wonder if she would have adopted a daughter, which she said she really wanted to do.  Would I have another niece?  Or nephew?  Or More?

I cannot wonder if she would have liked all of my children or been overwhelmed by my crew of children -- kind of like some people were overwhelmed by her zoo of animals.  I cannot wonder if certain weekends we would have swapped a few animals for a few kids just for a change of pace.

I cannot wonder if she would have liked my husband, or if she would have married again (her husband died of cancer four years before she died of cancer), or if our husbands would have gotten along.

I cannot wonder if the 21 year age difference between us would have seemed to lessen over the years or grow.

There are so many things I cannot wonder -- but this week, there have been a few things I have let myself wonder.

I love you, Trace.  It's been too long.