Looking Back

So, this past weekend we pulled out some home movies to watch.  Of course it's so precious to see the children in their tiny little form watching birthdays, Christmases, and births of babies happen before our eyes.  Love that.

This time, though, I really saw Me.  I saw a woman that has been overweight...heck, I'll just say it, OBESE for a good 15 years or more.  I saw a woman that was loving her family, making great memories, but worn out, tired, and struggling to keep up with the memories being made. In fact, a lot of the reason those movies got made was because I was sitting out on the sidelines of family life.

I heard my children gasp as they saw my oversized body move across the screen. I cringed when I saw the rolls and the way I struggled to just move or carry a baby in my belly with all the extra weight. I grieve that I spent those years hurting myself and putting those unborn babies at risk now that I know it was simply the result of my choices and ignorance regarding my food choices and habits. 

Today, I am a smaller size than I've been probably since I had my first baby.  I have more energy. I think more clearly.  I struggle so much less emotionally and hormonally.  It truly is amazing.

And, one thing that leaves me grieving is that for the last 5-6 years of that time I believed I was eating for health. I was following the *best* advice. We were eating meat and dairy based whole foods. We eliminated all processed foods and sugar. I loaded our plates with plenty of butter, bacon drippings, olive oil. We even at BEANS several times a week, for crying out loud!

I made so many foods from scratch, I could have given Mrs. Ingalls a run for her money. (okay, well..not really.)  I had a huge bin of natural supplements for omegas, stabilizing blood sugar, supporting hormone swings and depression, fighting illness.

I was Doing The Right Things.  Everyone told me so. My OBs, my midwives, my mainstream medical friends, my natural crunchy momma friends.  I was meticulous about my GD diet plan and I was the pride of the diabetes counselors.

And there I sat. Obese and growing Obese-er.  Diabetic.  Gall Bladder disease.  High cholesterol.  Depression.  Insomnia.  Thyroid symptoms and concerns.  Chronic fatigue.  Chronic headaches. Chronic yeast infections and mastitis. Chronic misery.

And today, here I stand.  FIVE MONTHS of replacing meat, dairy and nutrient-deficient fats by pouring simple, nutrient-rich plants into my body and I am a completely new person! I'll type it again....FIVE MONTHS!!!

Forty pounds - GONE!  (after 15 YEARS of trying to lose but only gaining, I am NO LONGER OBESE!! and well on my way out of Overweight.) 

Blood sugar symptoms and issues vanished.

Cholesterol levels perfect.

Instead of 3-4 days per week of headaches that sent me to bed for a full day, I have one minor headache each month the day before my cycle begins. Nothing I need to medicate at all. Huge difference.

Cycles are completely pain free.  No cramping, no headaches, no fatigue, minimal bleeding for minimal period of time.  I barely know it's even there.

Yeast infections and symptoms have disappeared.

Energy!  I can DO the work the Lord has called me to do.

Addiction free.  No more reliance on foods for good feelings.  No more detox symptoms (headaches, shakes, blood sugar swings, hunger pangs) creating the cycle that fed the addictions to caffeine, sugar, salt, and fat.

And, most importantly, freedom from the bondage of my sinful habits. No more choosing food to celebrate, reward, comfort, appease, release stress, hide from my struggles. 

I'm free from my emotions and the power food had over me to abuse those emotions. 

All because I was willing to challenge my pride and my idea that "I could NEVER eat like THAT!" and just TRY it for a few weeks to see what could happen.  I can't help but pour out my heart of thanks to the Lord for so clearly guiding me when, finally, I seriously prayed and asked. 

I look at that woman in those movies.  I know her heart. It's the same heart as the one I have today longing to honor the Lord and searching for answers on the right way to do it.  But today, this woman, she is free of the baggage that all those years of imprisonment to food, addiction, ignorance, and sinful food habits brought.  That freedom means I am released in so many other areas in my life as well. 

 

"Jesus answered them, 'Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin.  "The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever.  "So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.'  " 

John 8:34-36

 

 

OH What a difference a year makes!!

Fall 2012

 

Fall 2013

 

 No more sitting on the sidelines for me!

Daniel Fast - Day Twenty-One

June 30, 2013

Day Twenty-One

The End. 

Today is the last day.  A bit of fanfare as Elizabeth and I discussed the closing of the fast.  We had a nice conversation regarding what we learned in the last few weeks.  I expressed my gratitude to her for her eagerness and cheerfulness during this fast. Without her excitement over this endeavor, I'm not sure I would have pressed on.  It was especially hard when other members of the family were complaining, cheating, or just plain angry that we were even doing it.  Her sweet disposition and firm resolve helped me stay focused and cheered me on.  She kept me from feeling alone.

She shared that she was very grateful the Lord led me to take on this fast.  She was greatly encouraged by my willingness and determination to stick with it, even in the midst of that first week's struggles and pain.  She was challenged to see me press on when it was so hard.  I didn't realize how the Lord would use my time of humbling to encourage my girl so much. 

I will always look back on this fast with reverence and awe.  The Lord used something so simple to reveal Himself in so many powerful ways.  He used it to also reveal me in many ways. Ways I needed to see so I could confess, repent, and be turned.  Not only is my physical body changed, my mind is better able to understand the patterns and habits that have held me for so long, and my relationships with my family have been strengthened like never before.  Purging my physical body of the toxins may have been painful, but seeing how my wrong choices were damaging my life as a mother and wife was devastating.  You've given me this "land", Lord, and I so want to truly "live" within it.  And that leads me to....

The Beginning.

I see now that this Daniel Fast was the precursor to a major work the Lord desire to do in my life.  Physically, He is at work healing my body, teaching me how to make the best choices, and making me stronger for His tasks.  I didn't know it then, but this fast prepared me to receive that plan.  Eating as a vegan for the last 3 weeks, and a very restricted vegan at that, has shown me what I thought was impossible.  I could live like this because I DID live like this.  I can survive and even thrive on vegetable. Shhhh...don't tell my mother!  And I do believe that changing my habits and choices of food heals because I've experienced it happen in the last few weeks. 

Fasting from my social media hangouts revealed how much I've been missing in my family, church, and community life.  My days are so full, I don't know how to fit it back in, visiting with my internet friends. Yet, I spent so much time there before.  Time wrongly placed.  I'm still unsure how to fit that in, but it won't be the habit it was before.

This fast revealed my need to deal with my emotions in a biblical way.  Rightly handling my disappointments, frustrations, anger, irritations, these are all important priorities that the Lord is working on in my heart.  Learning how to put off the sinful ways I handle these things and put on the commands of the Lord is a primary focus for me in the coming weeks.

This Beginning is exciting.  It isn't a simple resolve. It isn't a New Thing to try out.  It's a response to the work of the Holy Spirit shining the light of God's word on my heart and life.  He has shown me the sin, and now that my repentance and forgiveness are firm, I can begin to enjoy His transformation of my life.  I can take my first step in truly LIVING in this precious land He has given.

Thank you, precious Lord.  May you alone receive the glory for your work in my life.  May it be that you will increase and I will decrease.

Daniel Fast - Day Eighteen - Journal Entry

June 27, 2013

Psalm 37:39-40 "But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their strength in time of trouble. And the Lord helps them, and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked, and saves them, because the take refuge in Him."

Cross references:

Psalm 3:8  "Salvation belongs to the Lord; Thy blessing be upon they people. Selah."

Psalm 62:1-2  "My soul waits in silence for God only; from Him is my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken."

Does my soul wait in silence for God only? Silence? No.  Silence is so hard for me. Yet, You are my stronghold. You. You will deliver me from the enemy - from the battle - from our own sinful hearts. 

Psalm 9:9 "The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."

Psalm 34:22  "The Lord redeems the soul of his servants; and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned."

Psalm 54:4 "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my soul, He will recompense the evil to my foes; destroy them in faithfulness." 

You are the stronghold.  I sit in silence because there is nothing else for me to do. It is Your work.  Salvation belongs to You, Lord.

I wait. I actively wait by attending to You through Your word, prayer, praise, obedience, living joyfully before you.  I attend to You in these ways, waiting for Your plan to unfold, Your purposes to be accomplished, Your name to be lifted high.

The silence part is so hard, Lord. I ache when the waiting is long. I grieve when my efforts seem futile. Yet, this rescuing comes from you, not me.

My actions in waiting are focused on attending to You, living my life in worship before You.  My efforts are not there to deliver me. They are there to change me while exalting You in my life. More of You, less of me. More of Your truth and grace and less of my strivings.

Like Daniel and his friends, I can be bold and confident while I wait on Your deliverance.

Daniel 3:17  "If it be so, our God, whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O King."

Daniel 6:23  "The king was very pleased and gave orders for Daniel to be taken up out of the den. So Daniel was taken up out of the den and no injury whatever was found on him, because he had trusted in his God."

I am not facing a fiery furnace or a den of lions, yet, I do face a hard path when this fast ends.

*A family eager to go back to "normal". 

*A husband who is hard to resist by way of eating habits.  He is eager to make my life "easy" which lends to falling into bad habits again.

*The stresses of life, my reactions to the hard things, my sinful patterns, these are hard to face without the firm boundaries of the fast.

Yet, I am growing.

I am learning.

I am reaching free of some of those strongholds in my life. I am finding You again, placing You, rightfully, where you belongs. 

You will deliver and rescue my soul and my body, my mind, my heart will be strengthened because of this work in my life.  I will find my refuge, strength and deliverance from You.

Psalm 9:10  "And those who know Thy name will put their trust in Thee, for Thou, O Lord, hast not forsaken those who seek Thee."

Day Eight - Journal Notes

June 17, 2013

Psalm 37:24

When he falls he shall not be hurled headlong; because the Lord is the One who holds his hand - who sustains him with His hand.

Cross references:

Psalm 145:14

The Lord sustains all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down.

 

Proverbs 24:16

For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, but the wicked stumble in time of calamity.

 

Micah 7:8

Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy, though I fail I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me.

 

Psalm 147:6

The Lord supports (relieves) the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground.

Journal entry:

I confess that I have felt defeated. The times I have worked to lose weight, I have often given up and my failures have left me feeling that I'll never succeed. So, trying again isn't worth the effort.

Yet, I was measuring my success in wrong ways. I was watching a scale, measuring inches, counting miles. These things - they do not bring fulfillment. They do not address my heart issues and the battles I face that lead to the wrong choices I make regarding food and activity. 

If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, "Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!" (which all refer to things destined to perish with use)-in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence.  Colossians 2:20-23

Lord, I have fallen many times, yet, You are lifting me up. you are setting me on a right path. When my soul is cleansed, my body will be cleansed. When my soul is well, my body will be well. When my soul is strong, my body will be strong.  This is my place - to continue to seek you in your word and prayer that I might grow and become mature in my soul. This affects all I do. Help me grow and hold me by the hand that I might rise again.

Journal Notes - Day Six

June 15, 2013

Psalm 37:23  The steps of a man are established by the Lord; and He delights in his way.

Cross references:

1 Samuel 2:9 

He keeps the feet of His godly ones, but the wicked ones are silenced in darkness; for not by might shall a man prevail.

 

Psalm 40:2 

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay; and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.

 

Psalm 66:9 

Who keeps us in life, and does not allow our feet to slip.

 

Psalm 119:5 

Oh that my ways may be established to keep they statutes!

 

Psalm 147:11 

The Lord favors those who fear Him, those who wait for His loving-kindness.

Journal Entry:
This is what I'm praying for, that you would establish my steps, Lord, and that my way would bring you delight.

You desire to firmly establish me on a rock - Your word and Your path. Your way will keep my foot from slipping. I don't fully understand what that way is yet.  But, for today, it is enough for me to know it is firm. By Your grace, I will not slip, and it will bring You delight.  I will wait on Your kindness in revealing Your plans for me.  I will fear Your holy name.

Journal Notes - Day Five

June 14, 2013

Colossians 2:23; 3:1-17

"These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against self-indulgence."

 

If then, I have been raised up with Christ...keep seeking the things above...set my mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.

 

For I have died - my life is hidden with Christ in God. I will be revealed with Him.

 

Consider my physical body dead to...impurity, passion, evil desire, greed...

 

Lay aside the old self and it's practices. Put on a new self that is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of Him who created me.

Put off what??

>food for comfort

>indulgence - lack of restraint: portions

>food for motivation

>Sedentary living

Put on what?? (replace what I am putting off)

>compassion: letter, phone calls, words and hugs

>kindness: acts of kindness for others

>humility: choose simple things (i.e. water to drink, simple foods), leave the best for others, take smaller portions for myself so as not to feed my pride

>gentleness: in my voice, my face, my actions

>patience: wait for them to get it, expect them to be slow on things, (prevents my anger and stress which leads to indulgence) go with them in their struggle, don't reach for a crutch to deal with the waiting, don't resist the wait - receive it, embrace it, learn from it, see myself in it

>bear with one another: my time, my attitude

>forgiveness: not blaming

>love: the perfect bond of unity

>peace of Christ

>thankfulness: keep a list

>word of Christ dwelling richly in me: memorization of scripture
   >wisdom teaching
   >admonishing one another
   >psalms, hymns, spiritual songs
   >singing with thankfulness

*all of the above in place of temper, anger, frustration, yelling, food and drink to deal with stress, joys, and struggles.

Whatever I do, WORD or DEED, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. 

Tracy, ask yourself:

Can I do this thing with gratitude to Christ?

Am I doing this in the name of Jesus?

Can I rejoice in knowing it represents Him and His glory?

Are my choices and actions renewing me?

Are they renewing me to a true knowledge according to the one who created me?

The kinds of foods I eat, will they strengthen me to know Him more?

These ways I respond to stress in my life, are they renewing me and helping me know my Creator more?

Are the actions I chose for my free time, my celebrations, my comfort and rest, do they lead me to true knowledge? Do they bring gratitude? Do they reveal the work of Christ?

Am I hidden in Him?

Are my desires, preferences, passions, delights - are these hidden in the person of Christ?

Let me hide in You, Lord. Hide in your gentleness and love. Let me hide in your patience and peace. Let me hide in your compassion and kindness. Let me hide in you as you bear with me in forgiveness, teaching me humility, gratitude and strength in your power and a mind set on those things which are above.

Journal Notes from Day Four

June 13, 2013

 

"Behold, how happy is the man whom God reproves, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For He inflicts pain and give relief; He wounds, and His hands heal."

Job 5:17-18

This  verse is my promise of hope.

This fast. This pain and discomfort to my body. This is your reproof to my pride and indulgence. You bring this so that I would see the abuse and misuse I have in my life. I have wrongly fed and tended my physical body and soul. I have wrongly used food to cater to my desires. I am so humbled. First, by the fact that I have seen how a silly cup of coffee or tea makes me feel valued or gives me a sense of worth. That it feeds my selfish desires to feel I somehow deserve praise or reward for my work in day.

Lord, this work I do should be my act of service and worship. I do this for Your praise. I should allow You to bless me - not use Your blessings to reward myself - especially with things that harm me. I see, as my body is releasing whatever it's been holding, this pain in my joints, muscles, head, this reveals the physical damage I've done and the sin that brought me there. So many ways my body cries out, "Sinner! Selfish! Indulgent! Lazy!" 

Lazy.  Oh, how my laziness is revealed. I am always choosing an easier way. Yet, this fast causes me to choose and work for those foods that cleanse and heal. To provide what is healthy for my family I must work and not choose those things which are easy if they are not healthy.

Please continue to work in me. I am, right now, in a time of humility and grief over my choices. I didn't expect to feel so badly. Show me what is hurting me most. Teach me, especially regarding my flesh, teach me and heal me.  I joyfully accept your wounds and inflictions of pain - pain of body and spirit, because I know the promise of Your healing and relief accompany them.

Your wounds bring healing.  This fast (wound) brings healing. The world's wounds (foods and indulgence) bring more pain leading to death. My flesh (choices regarding food and drink) bring pain and keep me from You, which is a life empty and pointless.

Your wounds bring healing.

Day 7 Vice-Busting

Februay 4, 2013
Day 7 Vice-Busting

Scripture Affirmation:
As I turn from sin towards God I experience wonderful times of refreshment.
"Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord; and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed for you." Acts 3:19-20


I'm using the same affirmation today. We have a wondeful time of refreshment to look forward to this afternoon, and I need to keep this truth before me that I will enjoy it as I turn AWAY from sin and towards the Lord.  Working to keep a bridle on my tongue that I wouldn't discourage others or frustrate myself.

Action:
Keep making drinking water your daily habit. Choose water above any other beverage.

I did it!! This morning, when my husband AND my son both brought a cup of coffee to me, I chose to fill my water bottle and drink that first. Yay!

One Week Review:
How do I feel about my progress up to this point?
I feel good that I've stuck with my water goals. It hasn't been hard to drink that much water.

How does my body feel now compared to when I started?
I feel stronger. I feel more energy. I am sleeping a little better at night. I feel like I am eager to move.

Can I do more to improve what I have done so far?
I can keep working on choosing water over coffee, even though I'm not adding calories. The coffee is my relaxing drink, water is cool, refreshing, and invigorating.

Is this something I can do for the rest of my life?
I CAN do it. I need the Lord's strength to see it as important enough to commit to it. I admit, just simply drinking water every day seems like an easy thing to let go.  It's hard to think that that kind of commitment would make much difference. Yet, even though I am not breaking a vice of replacing high calories with water, like the examples she gives in this book, I am replacing habits. Often, when I drink something other than water, I choose another something to go with it. A diet soda or a vitamin water usually calls for a snack of some kind. A cup of coffee definitely equates to a nice relaxing sit with my feet up.  Choosing those drinks over water lend to other habits that are defeating my efforts.

Marriage Action:
Made lunch for my husband last night. He brought me coffee this morning and kissed me goodbye. That's a big deal. 

Evening Entry:
All my water in. I lowered my calorie count on mfp and also lowered the amount of calories I take off for breastfeeding. Ended the day under just a bit on calories but, wow. I am hungry! Finishing off another bottle of water before bed and we'll see if that does the trick.

After hanging out with the kids while they ice skated with friends today, (1.5 hours standing in the freezing cold!) I trucked over to the gym for a full circuit on the machines and a quick 10 minute jaunt on the elliptical. I was in a rush home to get dinner on the table and give my Number One a break, as she is not feeling well tonight. Going to bed still cold, but feeling great about my day. Along with getting a good dinner put together this morning I experimented with some sugar free chocolate orange muffins. They weren't the best, but it was kinda fun trying. :)

Day 5 Vice-Busting

February 2, 2013
Day 5 Vice-Busting

Scripture Affirmation:
God does not ignore my prayers or withhold his unfailing love from me.
"Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me. " Psalm 66:20

I admit it. When I work hard to lose pounds and they aren't coming off, I feel ignored. When I fail to follow my plan or do a good thing for my health, I fear he will withhold his mercy because I feel so undeserving of it. 

Strengthen me to see my sin and confess it, Lord, that I will not prevent my prayers from being heard. Strengthen me to see your love and mercy, that I will not reject it with my own selfish pride and shame.

Action:
Keep building the habit of water with me at all times; drink plenty, choose water over any other beverage. The choice I make to do this is cleansing my body, helping it begin to do what it is meant to do: be an efficient, functioning, healthy, and energetic system.

"Another common mental block has to do with something entirely different that many people aren't even aware of, and it's called self-sabotage or deliberate acts of failure. Many things in your past, recent or distant, may be keeping you from succeeding and may fuuel the desire to fail. If you have had one or more emotional experiences that have left you feeling angry, depressed, resentful, or spiteful, it can translate into a desire to fail." p50

Interesting. I was challenged last night in dealing with anger issues as a mother. Then I read this and find it difficult to process. I'm guarded against some of the psychology terms and thought behind it. Yet, I wonder how this relates to our battle with sin and our ways of dealing with hurts. Is there something that I do to cope with my emotions that sets me up to fail my best efforts. Thinking and praying on this. I think I need to pay attention if I'm being presented material regarding the same struggle in several venues. Are the issues that cause me to struggle with anger and depression also connected with my struggle to be healthy and strong? Boy, just typing that out makes the answer sound like a no-brainer.

Marriage Action: I've been thinking on this all week...well, longer than that, but I always had an excuse why I didn't need to act.  Two things are obvious that I can begin doing to serve my husband in his life. Make healthy lunches for him daily and tend his wardrobe specifically.  I'm making that commitment now.

Day 4 Vice-Busting

February 1, 2013 - Day 4

Scripture Affirmation:
God gives me rest when I’m weary and joy when I’m sad.
"For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.” Jeremiah 31:25

I can't say how grateful I am for the rest the Lord has given me today. Enjoying it immensely. I may not be catching up on sleep, but I am doing some reading and letting my brain have a break. But the rest comes from Him. I need to use it wisely and well for HIS purposes, not my own indulgences.


Action:
Keep building the habit of having water with you or within reach. Drink plenty of it. Choose it over other beverages throughout the day.
"It is important that you start to view everything you do as having some impact on your health. When you change your mind-set from one of 'I need to lose weight' to one of 'I need to get healthy and fit,' then you will be taking a strong step in the direction of a lifestyle of health and fitness.

Don't think you can be a part-time water drinker...no one can succeed long term if she is making healthy choices only part time. Your health is your full-time job. It doesn't mean that you always have to be doing something that improves your health, but it does mean that when you aren't, you can't be doing something that is unhealthy. When you're not drinking water (or other health choices) you can't be someone else who eats doughnuts and fast food and drinks soda."

I am not doing well with this today. I am definitely a part-time water drinker today. I had very little sleep last night, so my worn out self is giving in to undisciplined habits. I even indulged in some diet soda with my popcorn snack today instead of my water. I haven't even finished one bottle of water today. Ack.  Here I am doing just what she describes. I'm not proactively working on my health so I'm resorting back to a whole 'nother person that indulges in soda and carbs. I took the day off from my full time job when I never should have. Not every day is going to be easy to make right choices. I need to still make them. I need to still work on this even when I'm resting. I can see where I struggle and that is that I do this healthy living part time. When I do it, I do it well. But, when I take a break, I crash hard. I was even telling my husband today that I wish I could go on vacation just so I could indulge in the unhealthy foods that feed my emotions and stress. Well, if that ain't a tell-all.

Grateful to see this about myself. Putting away the soda bottle and getting refilling my water bottle. Another day I wish I had made myself read this first thing.

Day 3 Vice-Busting

January 31, 2013
Day 3 Vice-Busting

Scripture Affirmation
God’s power enables me to live a healthy lifestyle.
"For the kingdom of God does not consist in words but in power." 1 Corinthians 4:20

This is such a great affirmation for me. I am a lover of words. Not hard to tell from my lengthy blog posts. But, the kingdom of God does not consist in words, but power. So often my words fill up my page and my mouth but they do not affect my actions. Lord, your power will change me, not my words. Your power enables me to live, do, act, go, consistently and strong, not the words I yammer. Let me meditate on the power you offer and work through me, knowing that merely talking about it will not avail.

Action:
1. Continue to build the habit of having water with you and drinking it often. Got my first bottle at my side. :)
2. Start creating a vision of things to come - not just how I'll look but what I'll do and how I'll feel. Picture myself doing what it is I would do or would lke to do, whom I'll be doing it with, and where I'll be doing it. I have a lot of things I visualize. I've spent a lot of time visualizing, even.  I dream of playing sports with my family. I would love to join in some vigorouse games of basketball, tennis, and soccer with my boys. I would so love to be able to handle a long bike ride with the whole family, strong enough to tote little ones with my own bike. I dream of great hikes to various points together. I just want to be able to run and play a simple game of tag with my children without a struggle.

I see myself sharing clothes with my oldest daughter. Enjoying our shopping trips much more when we are same sized and I like what I see in the mirror. I visualize more confidence when I meet my husband's co-workers at company events.

I crave and see myself accomplishing more in my day. Strong and able to take on the daily tasks of maintaining the housework and yard chores. Eager and able to add more to my day rather than handing it off to other. Strong and able to work beside my husband on various projects. Cheerful and excited to put for the physical effort to use up all that great extra energy that I gain. :)

3. Take inventory and throw out the high-calories beverages in the house. We really have not beverages like this. We do stock up on vitamin water, but that is sweetened with stevia, so no high calories. I often have diet soda in the house, but now that we are out, I won't be buying more. The juice we have I don't drink and there's really only enough for the children or special events.  I will still buy the low sugar, natural coffee creamer for a treat in my coffee from time to time. A reward for getting ALL My water in at the end of the day. :)

Half-Caf today!

Weigh-in:  208.5 tonight at the YMCA. Bummer. I'm not sure why the scale went up. I've been working hard. But, the scale is not the only tool of measurement, that's for sure. Enjoyed my first full circuit on the weight machines by myself and some cardio on the Stride Right.  Went with my oldest son and we had a fun time out alone together.

Day 2 - Vice Busting

January 29 - Day 2

Scripture Affirmation:

The God of hope fills me with joy and peace as I trust in Him.
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13


Action: Build the habit of having water with you at all time. Determine the amount of water your body needs.

Body weight / 2 = targeted ounces of water per day.

For me, 104oz.

Build the habit of physically serving my husband in a special way. Determine the amount of time I will give to the nightly neck-rub.  15 minutes of focused time. (no baby, computer, tv, reading)

Afternoon Entry:

I didn't read this until now and I should have read it this morning. I got busy with choring and did not have my water bottle with me until almost lunch time. I came downstairs hunting for it and I WAS THIRSTY! I got 20oz down in a flash and have been drinking like that ever since. My body is really craving the water now that it's getting it. I'm at 80oz already today. I had a couple of cups of caffeinated coffee this morning, so I want to be sure to get in a couple extra bottles (20oz) of water, too.

The affirmation above is filled with words that swell my heart. Hope, peace, trust, completely, joy, confident, overflow, power.  These are all words I crave in my life...just like my body is craving this water. I can't get enough of the fact that the Lord holds out HOPE to me in the midst of so many areas in my life that feel like struggles. He offers me peace in the midst of the crazy chaos in my days right now. He calls me to TRUST HIM instead of relying on myself and my own foolish coping hangups. He promises me JOY and PEACE when I simply trust HIM instead of myself. He tells me I will OVERFLOW with CONFIDENT hope and He will show POWER in my life! Oh, how I am desparate to overflow with His goodness rather than my own fears and weaknesses. My God is a God of HOPE and He FILLS me...ME...with His joy and peace as I keep moving forward....trusting HIM.

Evening Entry:
160oz water, less 40 to account for 2 cups of caffeine. :)

Willpower?

This morning I had my highest fasting number to date. I feel so silly to admit this, but it nearly brought me to tears.  I am battling so many feelings of failure this morning and it's showing in my attitude, efforts, and stamina.  I really just want to give up. Not for good. But, for today I want to just walk away from all the balls that I'm juggling and let them fall.  So, what did I do?  I pouted. I read a bit. I prayed, half-heartedly. I ignored my exercise. I sat and felt sorry for myself and then got up and vacuumed a couple rooms in the house. At least I can feel depressed with clean floors. ;)

So, as I sit working on minor things to just keep my day plugging along, I received this comment from a dear friend on my post last night: 

Tracy I want you to know that I have been having a hard week this week and whenever I wanted to give up I thought of you and your will power! You are wonderful!

So, yeah. Now the tears are freely flowing.

Ladies, if I had any willpower, I would surely NOT be in the place I am now.  I have never seen myself as someone who is strong or terribly self-disciplined.  I do know that I have some strong insecurities regarding perfectionism and failure.  I struggle daily with fears that I will somehow let someone down in some way. I suppose this could easily be seen as *willpower* or stamina.  Honestly, it's sinful pride and fear that most often drives me when I am left to my own devices.

This is why this journey has always been about my walk with the Lord.  From the beginning, even when not pregnant, I could force myself to do everything "right".  I could follow a plan well and work to impress the class.  However, my efforts were in vain because they never brought about the results I longed for. 

This is what it looks like when I use my own strength:

When I would eat the perfect amount of  calories combined with the right amount of activity, I would still lose at half the rate I "should" have been losing. Fail.

When I would adjust my percentages of protein versus carbs, raw foods versus cooked, whole foods versus junk, I would still see the same results. Fail.

When I would press harder to exercise. Push aside other priorities believing that my health and weight loss was far more important because I only had so much time to accomplish it, I still saw the same results.  Except I added losing ground in other important areas, adding to my struggle. Fail and Fail.

And now, when I had been working to hold off on a pregnancy, knowing that losing weight was crucial to avoiding the GD and a healthy pregnancy, I still saw the blessing of those two pink lines. Well, there was nothing I could do but trust the Lord had a plan even though I felt I had let Him down. Again.

I walked into this pregnancy armed with education and experience from my last GD experience. I was determined I would "beat it" and "win" this time.  Yet, here I sit, barely half way through...not even to the third trimester when a pregnant body *starts* to struggle with blood sugars and I'm already sunk. My friends, my research, and my brain tell me that it's foolish to believe this lie. But, my heart still does. Fail.

This is when the Lord steps in.  This when He shows me just how far from the truth I really am. This challenge to right the wrongs I've done in my life regarding my body are not about losing weight, winning a battle against diabetes, or avoiding a dreaded medicated hospital birth.  Truly, those are good aims. Who would fault me for working so hard to get healthy so that I can keep a baby safe during pregnancy?  Yet, this isn't about me.  This is about me giving glory to my Lord.

The truth is that whatsoever I do, whether I eat or drink, whether I fast or cleanse, whether I exercise or rest, it is ALL to be done to the glory of God.  Not to my hope for results. Not to my joy at a number on a scale.  Not to the satisfaction of a smaller size.  Every striving, every effort, every choice is to be for HIM and the glory HE will receive, not to myself. 

This changes my perspective on this journey.  It becomes not the THING *I* do, but a PART of the THING that *God* is doing in me.  It is as important as the work He does to create patience in me as I work with my children in their daily tasks. It is as important as the work He is doing to empty me of myself as I strive to love and respect my husband as unto the Lord. It is as important as the work He is doing to press me beyond my comfort levels and into areas of forgiveness with extended family.  It is all connected because it is all about how He is at work to change me into His image.

And this is why the results should not matter because the results are not my work to be done.  My Lord has called me to be faithful in my efforts and to trust Him with the results.  He has commanded me to trust and obey as He does His work.  He has set forth in His word clear directions on how I should live my life in all ways and this is where my focus needs be.  I am to strive, to pour out my life, to give all my energy to obey the commands He has placed on my life, allowing Him to choose the results that will honor Him most.  And this means the results in my parenting, marriage, home, ministry, as well as my physical health.

So, how am I applying this principle?   Not very well today.  Today my eyes have gotten off course and focused again on the results that I cannot control.  I have once again attempted to take back control and responsibility for that which I have no business handling.  I've already proven time and again that when I am in control, the results will not be pleasing to myself or to Him.  What I need to do is to return to the truth that this is all about Him and the work He is about. Not only in my life, my baby's life, but surely His plan spreads far beyond my mind's eye.  To know that He desires to use my efforts, my struggles, even my failings to bring Him glory and reveal Himself strong gives me hope. It gives me purpose. It causes me to remember my place in this work.  To remain faithful, to keep His words always before me, to trust His judgement, and to every moment ask for His strength to do the right thing. 

I will answer one day not for the number on the scale or the number on the meter. I will answer for my obedience to make right choices. I will answer for my diligence to learn and equip myself with the best knowledge I can find to make those right choices. I will answer for my idleness versus my activity.  I will answer for my efforts to stay on course, regardless of the outcome. 

I think of my last labor.  I was given a short amount of time to birth my baby before they would put me on meds.  I was angry and felt cheated to be forced in this manner. Yet, I took that to motivate me to give everything I had to do what I believed was best for the birth of our baby. I spent an entire day pushing myself to accomplish this goal only to be faced with the fact that my body wouldn't comply.  When I finally agreed to the meds it was with a heart of peace.  I knew that even if I was being forced into what wasn't *best* for our little one or myself, I had done everything in my power to do what was best.  It was now time to allow the Lord to work out His best and accept the results as He had planned. I will never regret my efforts in that time. I had the satisfaction of knowing I had done everything I could to remain faithful and strong to the end. I had finished well and that allowed me to rest fully in the next step of His plan.

I need to keep that memory in my heart in the coming months. Giving up is not an option.  Yet, I don't see my ability to press on as *willpower*.  It is simply the work of the Holy Spirit in me keeping me from whatever false sense of strength I think I can or can't muster up.  It is amazing to see that the Lord would choose such a vessel as me to accomplish His work.  That leaves me humbled and ever more eager to continue on. To think that anyone else would see anything in me that would cause them to have courage, well, that can only be the work of the Lord. And for that, I am blessed to be used as a part of His plan.

Writing this out was what I needed today.  Thank you, Lord for your truth and the ability to discern it from the constant barrage of easily believed lies that surround me. Please, let me remember that my choices, my work, my strivings bring you glory even if the results don't seem to match.

Saturday, Nov.12 2011

Today's Good Things:
Rested A LOT
Got some laundry put away
Winter clothes organized and sorted (but really, that was not my doing)
Online shopping (but not buying yet) for maternity clothes
Did well with my eating choices, though I didn't follow my plan exactly

Today's Not So Good Things:
Didn't follow my meal plan
Didn't eat enough
Didn't get any exercise
Didn't get enough sleep last night, so feeling awful
Winning the Crabby Mom award for the day (week?? sigh.)

I'm going to do this. I'm forcing myself to get back to daily journaling. Just knowing I have to report my day *should* motivate me to make it worth reporting.  I hope.

So, here comes the personal stuff you may not care to read in happy blog land.  I finally admitted today that I am not enjoying being pregnant right now.  I feel ill, tired, unmotivated, irritable, lazy, achey, and HUGE.  I'm battling a lot of negative feelings right now regarding how my body is changing.  Remember those skirts I joyfully outgrew and put away?  Yeah, they fit great now. :-/

Now, hear me out. I am THRILLED to have a new baby on the way.  I am super excited to learn all about how this little one is growing and changing.  I see newborns and get all giddy, knowing we'll have our own to snuggle when spring comes around.  It's not the baby, it's the pregnancy and the changes and stresses that go with it that are getting me down.

Pray for me.  That's what I truly need.

>I need to forget what is behind and strive for what lies ahead.  I worked HARD last year and saw some fruit.  I can work HARD this year and see fruit as well. Different fruit, but beautiful fruit all the same.

> I need to put my focus back on doing all of this that the Lord is lifted up, not that I can wear a certain size or not look like a tent in what I put on.  I got rid of my entire maternity wardrobe after our youngest was born, anticipating that I would never fit in those clothes again. Sigh.  So, I'm needing a full new wardrobe about now.  With funds tight, I do have yet another chance to see the Lord provide, and I'm grateful.  I just need a better attitude regarding how embarrassing and frustrating it is that I can't even fit in the maternity clothes at the stores.  Again, I need my eyes on the Lord, not my silhouette.

>The GD stuff is SO scary, stressful and overwhelming.  First, the strips are costly and this is not a good season for us to have costly expenses. Second, following the meal plan is costly. (see number one). Thirdly, it's so very stressful to eat just right at just the right times, exercise at the right times and not feel like it's consuming your whole brain.  The perfectionist in me fears "failing" those tests, so just having to take them creates a world of stress that is really hard to work through.

So, today is a very emotional day.  Writing it out helps, right?  Maybe. We'll see.  But, for now, at least I'm acknowledging my fears, doubts and disappointments.  If I confess these sins of selfishness and self-pity, I'm closer to the freedom the Lord has for me, right? Pray for me to find that freedom and walk boldly in it.

Soul Food

Journal Entry:
Sunday, June 26

Hebrews 5:11-14
"Concerning him we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing. For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil."

"...you have become dull of hearing."

What does that mean? Later in the verses it says that those who are able to take the solid food of scriptures are those who have had their senses "trained" due to practice - or repetitive use. So, when my hearing is dull, when my sense of understanding has grown weak, it is due to my lack of use - no practice (exercise) to make my soul strong. 

Lord, my senses need training. My children's senses need training. As I desire maturity, it comes by practice - repetitive use of your word- applying it to my daily tasks, choices and challenges. Teach me, as I work hard at growing my soul, to discern good and evil for every area of my life.

"The word of God is food and nourishment to the life of grace." -Matthew Henry

What If?

Journal Entry: February 21, 2011

"As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves in all your behavior; because it is written, 'You shall be Holy, for I am Holy.'" 1 Peter 1:13-14

I've been quite frustrated that my efforts at losing weight have not met with the results that I read they should. According to the information out there and the reports of my tracking, I should be having great success in meeting my goals.

Lord, I went into this confident that I could "do it right". That I would discipline myself and it would work. The perfectionist in me wants to scream.

I realize that by being overweight, I feel a disdain for myself. I feel like a failure. Living with the results of my ignorance of the flesh, my lifetime of sinful indulgences - it's painful. You have forgiven me. I am FREE! And I want it to show. Everytime I make a right choice, when I resist a bad one, I want it to be evident in my physical stature. I want to see the good from doing good. And I want others to know as well, so they don't see me and think I am still what I once was.

It's all tied up in me, isn't it? I am so concerned about how I feel about myself. I am so aware of how others view me and my body. I continue to seek the glory in this time and again. I'm so hung up.

Lord, if I never lose another pound, will I still praise You? If I stay this size for the rest of my life, will I remain faithful to a holy life? You have commanded me to not be conformed to the former lusts of my ignorance. You have commanded me to be holy in ALL of my behavior. Will I obey these commands even if my body doesn't change? If I never see that magic number on the scale? Will I walk this path for Your glory rather than my own?

This, again, I must remind myself, is not about me losing weight to become a smaller size. It's not even about me being in perfect health so I can do more for You. This is about me being and doing what You have called me to today--right now. Making right choices right now with my eyes fixed on Your glory right now--not when I've met a goal, dropped a size, or posted a great "after" picture for the world to praise You (and me...::blush::) 

You must recieve glory everytime I break a habit, resist a temptation, and do a hard thing to honor You. And no one else may see it, yet You do. You see my heart and these things are my acts of worship--private worship to You.

Show me. Strengthen me to be holy as You are holy.