Crazy, wondeful week

This week has been good. I didn't exercise (formally). I haven't logged on mfp. I've barely thought about diet and fitness and such.  So, how can that be good?

I've been busy schooling my children and it's been a treat.  Not because it's been easy. Not because we've had great attitudes the whole time. (mine included) But, because I've focused on this as the THING that needs to be important and nothing else. I've allowed myself to do one thing well, and..well, I'm doing it. :)

I'm allowing myself to still sleep in in the mornings. I'm working on being more cheerful when greeted with the morning crabbies.  We're getting started when we get started and just focusing in the learning and not the clock. I've seen some great improvements in relationships with my older children. I'm still working on how to include and handle the younger ones and find that balance, though.

I've also begun a new course of morning and evening devotions. That has been amazing and transforming, to say the least.

This doesn't have anything to do with health, you say? Oh, in every way it does. The stress and emotional strain I battle with relationships is directly tied to my eating, exercise, sleeping, and activity habits and triggers.  I'm thankful for a week of getting myself on track in the areas that matter most.

Thursday July 12, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Logged: ended the day under on calories
My new neighbor came by with cookies to welcome us to the neighborhood. I enjoyed one after dinner and so far, so good on gb reaction status.
My husband sent me to bed after dinner and I snuck in a tiny, but needed nap.
Worked on my new summer school schedule for the coming weeks
Schooling AND choring got done today

Today's No So Good Things:
Wasn't able to get in the exercise on the wii I had been planning all day
Woke up dragging and crabby today, leading us to a very late start in our day
Not getting in enough water

I feel like today was good, now that everyone is in bed and I've had some rest. Earlier I wouldn't have had the same response. I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a bus. I could barely function to use the bathroom at 5am this morning. I sent myself promptly back to bed and didn't get up until 8:30. Mind you, I'm not sleeping all that time, as baby is with me in bed doing her famous Latch-On/Latch-Off Karate Kid style.  That's her preferred method of sleep from about 2am on.  Leaves this momma catching an intermittent z here and there. But, mostly playing zone guard so Daddy doesn't roll over on her and I don't suffocate the sweet little thing. Doesn't produce nourishing sleep for me.  Alas, this too shall pass, as I well know.

I'm working on a summer school schedule for the next couple of months. We started back to school a few weeks ago, but it isn't going very well. Everyone is having a hard time concentrating, most of all me. I'm not doing well keeping little occupied and bigs on track. A mentor friend of mine suggested we try one subject each week instead of trying to cover multiple ones each day. I think this may just be what my tired, foggy brain needs at this moment. To only have to think about one subject all day long sounds like a tremendous relief and will eliminate a lot of guilt. So, I'm building my spreadsheet this week in hopes that it will be useful instead of just make me feel depressed because I'm now seeing in black in white just how far behind we really are. It's an intimidating document, that's for sure. But, without vision the people perish, right?

I'm pleased with my food choices today. I feel better than yesterday. One more day to push through until the weekend when I can get a bit of extra rest, I hope. I'm going to hold out hope that we can have an earlier start tomorrow and just possibly I could get in some wii time along with our regular activities.

Quick Update

I haven't journaled for a bit. My numbers have all been amazingly low.  So much so, that I have even gotten a little lax on how I round out each meal. I'm still being cautious on portions and amounts of protein. Actually, what I've been lax about is not eating enough most of the time.  I don't leave the table hungry, and with all these snacks, I guess it's just feeling hard to make my meals as large as the menu says they should be.

That said, I had 2 slices of Sam's pizza over the weekend while we were out shopping.  I thought for sure it was going to do me in.  Not so! My numbers were perfect! I don't get it because pizza before, especially 2 slices, would have sent me way over. Could be the meter. Could be insulin, I guess, even though I'm still only taking 10 units at bedtime.  Could have been all the activity I had that day with shopping and such.  Whatever it was, I'll take it!

I haven't been doing any official exercise.  We have, however, been doing a lot of cleaning, purging, and moving as we are rearranging most every room in our house right now.  My husband finished his last exam this past weekend (woohoo!) so we emptied his office and that leads to an avalanche of "newness". ;) 

His new "thing", he declared, now that this year of studying and testing is over, is Diet and Exercise. I'm excited! First my daughter, now my hubby!  It's amazing to watch everyone get excited about health and strength and want to do it together!  A little weird it is happening now that I can't fully join in, but I'm so thankful.  And, to be fair, I *am* working hard on my health, just not on weight loss, so I guess I am still part of the team. ;)  Just need to focus a bit more on strength than I have been.

The last two days I've worked hard at rearranging shelves, books, toys, furniture, you name it.  Today is going to be a rest day while I catch up on grading and school stuff.  I'm hoping to get out for a walk after lunch, though.  I have one here who has been super hard to love and I think a walk for the two of us would be a good thing.

My daughter and husband have been planning a family celebration for Valentine's day.  She's planning to make some mini-muffins for our dessert so we have something more "healthy". Love that girl.  I'm feeling a little bad that I'm not real involved in the planning and prep. But, honestly, I'm feeling swamped right now with duties and I just can't keep up.  So, I'm choosing to be blessed and enjoy their efforts. :)

Blessings to you all this Valentine's day!  Enjoy your treats, but remember to strive for balance as well as grace!!

Willpower?

This morning I had my highest fasting number to date. I feel so silly to admit this, but it nearly brought me to tears.  I am battling so many feelings of failure this morning and it's showing in my attitude, efforts, and stamina.  I really just want to give up. Not for good. But, for today I want to just walk away from all the balls that I'm juggling and let them fall.  So, what did I do?  I pouted. I read a bit. I prayed, half-heartedly. I ignored my exercise. I sat and felt sorry for myself and then got up and vacuumed a couple rooms in the house. At least I can feel depressed with clean floors. ;)

So, as I sit working on minor things to just keep my day plugging along, I received this comment from a dear friend on my post last night: 

Tracy I want you to know that I have been having a hard week this week and whenever I wanted to give up I thought of you and your will power! You are wonderful!

So, yeah. Now the tears are freely flowing.

Ladies, if I had any willpower, I would surely NOT be in the place I am now.  I have never seen myself as someone who is strong or terribly self-disciplined.  I do know that I have some strong insecurities regarding perfectionism and failure.  I struggle daily with fears that I will somehow let someone down in some way. I suppose this could easily be seen as *willpower* or stamina.  Honestly, it's sinful pride and fear that most often drives me when I am left to my own devices.

This is why this journey has always been about my walk with the Lord.  From the beginning, even when not pregnant, I could force myself to do everything "right".  I could follow a plan well and work to impress the class.  However, my efforts were in vain because they never brought about the results I longed for. 

This is what it looks like when I use my own strength:

When I would eat the perfect amount of  calories combined with the right amount of activity, I would still lose at half the rate I "should" have been losing. Fail.

When I would adjust my percentages of protein versus carbs, raw foods versus cooked, whole foods versus junk, I would still see the same results. Fail.

When I would press harder to exercise. Push aside other priorities believing that my health and weight loss was far more important because I only had so much time to accomplish it, I still saw the same results.  Except I added losing ground in other important areas, adding to my struggle. Fail and Fail.

And now, when I had been working to hold off on a pregnancy, knowing that losing weight was crucial to avoiding the GD and a healthy pregnancy, I still saw the blessing of those two pink lines. Well, there was nothing I could do but trust the Lord had a plan even though I felt I had let Him down. Again.

I walked into this pregnancy armed with education and experience from my last GD experience. I was determined I would "beat it" and "win" this time.  Yet, here I sit, barely half way through...not even to the third trimester when a pregnant body *starts* to struggle with blood sugars and I'm already sunk. My friends, my research, and my brain tell me that it's foolish to believe this lie. But, my heart still does. Fail.

This is when the Lord steps in.  This when He shows me just how far from the truth I really am. This challenge to right the wrongs I've done in my life regarding my body are not about losing weight, winning a battle against diabetes, or avoiding a dreaded medicated hospital birth.  Truly, those are good aims. Who would fault me for working so hard to get healthy so that I can keep a baby safe during pregnancy?  Yet, this isn't about me.  This is about me giving glory to my Lord.

The truth is that whatsoever I do, whether I eat or drink, whether I fast or cleanse, whether I exercise or rest, it is ALL to be done to the glory of God.  Not to my hope for results. Not to my joy at a number on a scale.  Not to the satisfaction of a smaller size.  Every striving, every effort, every choice is to be for HIM and the glory HE will receive, not to myself. 

This changes my perspective on this journey.  It becomes not the THING *I* do, but a PART of the THING that *God* is doing in me.  It is as important as the work He does to create patience in me as I work with my children in their daily tasks. It is as important as the work He is doing to empty me of myself as I strive to love and respect my husband as unto the Lord. It is as important as the work He is doing to press me beyond my comfort levels and into areas of forgiveness with extended family.  It is all connected because it is all about how He is at work to change me into His image.

And this is why the results should not matter because the results are not my work to be done.  My Lord has called me to be faithful in my efforts and to trust Him with the results.  He has commanded me to trust and obey as He does His work.  He has set forth in His word clear directions on how I should live my life in all ways and this is where my focus needs be.  I am to strive, to pour out my life, to give all my energy to obey the commands He has placed on my life, allowing Him to choose the results that will honor Him most.  And this means the results in my parenting, marriage, home, ministry, as well as my physical health.

So, how am I applying this principle?   Not very well today.  Today my eyes have gotten off course and focused again on the results that I cannot control.  I have once again attempted to take back control and responsibility for that which I have no business handling.  I've already proven time and again that when I am in control, the results will not be pleasing to myself or to Him.  What I need to do is to return to the truth that this is all about Him and the work He is about. Not only in my life, my baby's life, but surely His plan spreads far beyond my mind's eye.  To know that He desires to use my efforts, my struggles, even my failings to bring Him glory and reveal Himself strong gives me hope. It gives me purpose. It causes me to remember my place in this work.  To remain faithful, to keep His words always before me, to trust His judgement, and to every moment ask for His strength to do the right thing. 

I will answer one day not for the number on the scale or the number on the meter. I will answer for my obedience to make right choices. I will answer for my diligence to learn and equip myself with the best knowledge I can find to make those right choices. I will answer for my idleness versus my activity.  I will answer for my efforts to stay on course, regardless of the outcome. 

I think of my last labor.  I was given a short amount of time to birth my baby before they would put me on meds.  I was angry and felt cheated to be forced in this manner. Yet, I took that to motivate me to give everything I had to do what I believed was best for the birth of our baby. I spent an entire day pushing myself to accomplish this goal only to be faced with the fact that my body wouldn't comply.  When I finally agreed to the meds it was with a heart of peace.  I knew that even if I was being forced into what wasn't *best* for our little one or myself, I had done everything in my power to do what was best.  It was now time to allow the Lord to work out His best and accept the results as He had planned. I will never regret my efforts in that time. I had the satisfaction of knowing I had done everything I could to remain faithful and strong to the end. I had finished well and that allowed me to rest fully in the next step of His plan.

I need to keep that memory in my heart in the coming months. Giving up is not an option.  Yet, I don't see my ability to press on as *willpower*.  It is simply the work of the Holy Spirit in me keeping me from whatever false sense of strength I think I can or can't muster up.  It is amazing to see that the Lord would choose such a vessel as me to accomplish His work.  That leaves me humbled and ever more eager to continue on. To think that anyone else would see anything in me that would cause them to have courage, well, that can only be the work of the Lord. And for that, I am blessed to be used as a part of His plan.

Writing this out was what I needed today.  Thank you, Lord for your truth and the ability to discern it from the constant barrage of easily believed lies that surround me. Please, let me remember that my choices, my work, my strivings bring you glory even if the results don't seem to match.

Disconnect

This week has been strange...difficult...weird...hard.

I am walking around in a general state of Minor Yuck.  It's not pleasant.  Yet, it's not so horrible that I feel justified to go with my emotions and wallow in it.  Not justified, yet I think I have been doing it most of the time.  Sigh.

I don't know if it's simply the hormones of pregnancy that are effecting me and keeping me from feeling well.  I don't know if it's somehow linked to my blood sugar issues that are still not under control. It could very well be linked to following doc's orders and lifting the GD diet for the early part of the week in preparation for the 3 hour challenge.  Good news is, I don't have to take that test. (whew!)  The I Don't Know If It's Bad News news is that I'm going straight to GD counseling, making me an official Gestational Diabetic.  It's what I wanted, skipping the test and getting on with treatment. But, somehow, getting that diagnosis and all that comes with it is hard to accept.  Still working on those Feelings of Failure, I guess.

Yesterday I was quite productive. I got a lot done in the kitchen and around the house and even made good on some schoolwork.  I should have been elated. It had been a long while since I had accomplished a list of any significant size.  Instead, I felt deflated and worn out.  This morning a thought struck me as I was forcing myself through the Get Ready For Church routine. 

My heart is just not into this. 

"This" meaning anything and everything, I guess.  No matter what I set about, I'm feeling like I'm either forcing may way through, finding a way to just "get by", or just completely disconnecting from what is in front of me.  I don't like that feeling.  I don't like the Disconnect.

This certainly isn't a cheerful, uplifting post. That is certain.  I will say that my heart IS completely overjoyed with anticipation of our new baby girl.  I've already named her in my heart and have been enjoying bonding with her this week.  I just wish I was as emotionally attached to the others that are with me and the work the Lord has for me each day. 

However, if taking proper care of myself means that I live in a state of Disconnect and forcing what is right, then so be it.  My feelings do not have to precede my actions.  As I well know, Doing right will lead to Feeling right...eventually. 

So, tomorrow I begin again.  Praying the Lord enables me to push through this fog and get in those simple but important goals of exercise and eating enough and properly.  My biggest struggle is to simply eat as much as I should, *what* I should, and *when* I should. It sure sounds simple. For me, it feels super hard.

If I don't push, I'll give up. This sweet little girl needs a momma that doesn't quit. 

^"And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.  For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope ; for who hopes for what he already sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it."  Romans 8:23-35 

Saturday December 17, 2011

I'm feeling worn down by this GD stuff. I started tracking my numbers this week and it isn't looking good at all.  My fasting numbers have been high every morning.  My dinner time numbers fluctuate. I hate having to think so hard about what to eat. I dread eating, but I've been hungry. I hate having to stay up late just to eat. It just stinks all over.

I did have a good meeting with the NP at the new OB office. That was a wonderful answer to prayer. I go in on Monday to meet the OB and have my first physical exam.  I'm hopeful it will go well.

I'm pretty sure I'm headed to the GD counselor and likely, insulin.  Something's gotta give because I can't get these numbers to look right.  I also can't get to feeling right either.  I don't want the insulin, but I'm wishing I could find *something* to help me feel better.

Big whine for tonight, I guess. We had a wonderful week filled with great blessings from the Lord. I don't want to be complaining. I guess I'm just focusing too much on myself and my inconveniences instead of the opportunities I have to learn and develop stamina and discipline.  Help me to find that right attitude, Lord.

Saturday, Nov.12 2011

Today's Good Things:
Rested A LOT
Got some laundry put away
Winter clothes organized and sorted (but really, that was not my doing)
Online shopping (but not buying yet) for maternity clothes
Did well with my eating choices, though I didn't follow my plan exactly

Today's Not So Good Things:
Didn't follow my meal plan
Didn't eat enough
Didn't get any exercise
Didn't get enough sleep last night, so feeling awful
Winning the Crabby Mom award for the day (week?? sigh.)

I'm going to do this. I'm forcing myself to get back to daily journaling. Just knowing I have to report my day *should* motivate me to make it worth reporting.  I hope.

So, here comes the personal stuff you may not care to read in happy blog land.  I finally admitted today that I am not enjoying being pregnant right now.  I feel ill, tired, unmotivated, irritable, lazy, achey, and HUGE.  I'm battling a lot of negative feelings right now regarding how my body is changing.  Remember those skirts I joyfully outgrew and put away?  Yeah, they fit great now. :-/

Now, hear me out. I am THRILLED to have a new baby on the way.  I am super excited to learn all about how this little one is growing and changing.  I see newborns and get all giddy, knowing we'll have our own to snuggle when spring comes around.  It's not the baby, it's the pregnancy and the changes and stresses that go with it that are getting me down.

Pray for me.  That's what I truly need.

>I need to forget what is behind and strive for what lies ahead.  I worked HARD last year and saw some fruit.  I can work HARD this year and see fruit as well. Different fruit, but beautiful fruit all the same.

> I need to put my focus back on doing all of this that the Lord is lifted up, not that I can wear a certain size or not look like a tent in what I put on.  I got rid of my entire maternity wardrobe after our youngest was born, anticipating that I would never fit in those clothes again. Sigh.  So, I'm needing a full new wardrobe about now.  With funds tight, I do have yet another chance to see the Lord provide, and I'm grateful.  I just need a better attitude regarding how embarrassing and frustrating it is that I can't even fit in the maternity clothes at the stores.  Again, I need my eyes on the Lord, not my silhouette.

>The GD stuff is SO scary, stressful and overwhelming.  First, the strips are costly and this is not a good season for us to have costly expenses. Second, following the meal plan is costly. (see number one). Thirdly, it's so very stressful to eat just right at just the right times, exercise at the right times and not feel like it's consuming your whole brain.  The perfectionist in me fears "failing" those tests, so just having to take them creates a world of stress that is really hard to work through.

So, today is a very emotional day.  Writing it out helps, right?  Maybe. We'll see.  But, for now, at least I'm acknowledging my fears, doubts and disappointments.  If I confess these sins of selfishness and self-pity, I'm closer to the freedom the Lord has for me, right? Pray for me to find that freedom and walk boldly in it.

That's About the Size of It

Found out a couple weeks ago we had a little Poppy Seed growing.  The following week it grew to the size of an Apple Seed. This week we are enjoying our little Sweet Pea even though he or she brought an abundance of fatigue, moodiness, and nausea along. 

So, the plan changes for the coming year. I'm grateful I can rest in the confidence that these are God's plans.  Over the past several months, the Lord has been working on this heart of mine teaching me new lessons in contentment.  Gone are the fears and anxiety that I was carrying regarding the prospect of a new pregnancy.  The Lord has moved me over to peace, surrender, gratitude, and joy.  We don't know how long this little one will be with us, but we are all being careful to enjoy each day.  The children are over the moon with excitement.  They've been taking extra special care of their dear ol' Momma with a fervor. What a blessing. 

Next step is to work on my new menu plan. My goal is to combine the GD plan I used with my last pregnancy with Dr. Brewer's pregnancy diet, hoping my hard work in these areas will keep away the GD issues that plagued us with our last baby.  Please pray I can be diligent with exercise, discplined in my eating choices, and persevere in prayer regarding my health and Baby's.  Above all, I continue to desire the Lord to be glorified in all of my life.  I may not be decreasing physically in size in the coming months, but I pray the Lord's purposes, presence, and power will continue to increase in every way.

Everything but the Elephant

This story comes from the book I'm reading. I've been keeping a page with quotes that challenge me from that book, but I wanted to type out this story here. It's been a wonderful analogy for me in this area of weight-loss and health as well as applying it to every other area of my walk with the Lord. In fact, we've been asking ourselves frequently around here, "Is that part of the elephant?"

It seems there was an artist who, one day, found that a large piece of granite had risen unexpectedly from the yard outside his home. Now, I don't know about you, but if that had happened to me I'd be upset. Just one more annoying thing I'd need to take care of before I could mow the lawn. Reportedly, it did annoy the artist, and he knew he'd eventually have to do something about it. He debated about borrowing a jackhammer from a friend until he remembered that, of course, he had no friends with jackhammers. Then he thought about getting some dynamite and blasting the granite into smaller stones that he could then carry away. But that didn't seem right either so he sat and thought about what to do. As he sat and thought and looked at that stone, he began to look past his problem. He forgot about his goal of getting rid of the stone. He actually started to see the stone. He noticed the lines and the shape. He decided to be grateful for the stone. Then one day he got out his chisel and hammer, and within a short time, he created an unbelievable reproduction of an elephant. Neighbors and passersby alike were amazed when they saw what appeared to be a real elephant grazing in his yard.

A friend asked the amateur sculptor how he'd managed to do such a good job in reproducing a realistic form of an elephant without even a model or picture to go by. The artist replied confidently, "It was really pretty easy, actually. I just chipped away everything that didn't look like an elephant."

This story comes with the challenge to focus on the person you most wish to become. As I read this story, I am struck with how it illustrates the fact that God's spirit is at work within me to chip away at everything that doesn't look like Christ. Because of His finished work on the cross, the victory of His resurrection, His application of righteousness to my life, and the gift of His Holy Spirit, I am now becoming the person God created me to be. In His word, I see that He is at work to reveal and remove those habits, weaknesses, and desires that keep me from loving my Lord fully.  I am seeing this in new ways as I work to face the addictions and desires that hold me in the area of what I eat and how I use my body.  When I read through this blog, I see the excuses and habits that have defeated me in the past months. Magnify that by the number of years I've been alive and I see a life that needs some chipping. 

The author give the challenge, "If you are serious about continuing your walk on this spiritual path to weight loss, you will work hard to chip away everything that does not look like the person you most wish to become." 

I give myself the challenge, Just chip away everything that doesn't look like Jesus.

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;  Romans 8:29

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; 1 Peter 1:14-15

For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin;  for he who has died is freed from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, is never to die again ; death no longer is master over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all ; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness ; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. Romans 6:5-13