Saturday, Nov.12 2011

Today's Good Things:
Rested A LOT
Got some laundry put away
Winter clothes organized and sorted (but really, that was not my doing)
Online shopping (but not buying yet) for maternity clothes
Did well with my eating choices, though I didn't follow my plan exactly

Today's Not So Good Things:
Didn't follow my meal plan
Didn't eat enough
Didn't get any exercise
Didn't get enough sleep last night, so feeling awful
Winning the Crabby Mom award for the day (week?? sigh.)

I'm going to do this. I'm forcing myself to get back to daily journaling. Just knowing I have to report my day *should* motivate me to make it worth reporting.  I hope.

So, here comes the personal stuff you may not care to read in happy blog land.  I finally admitted today that I am not enjoying being pregnant right now.  I feel ill, tired, unmotivated, irritable, lazy, achey, and HUGE.  I'm battling a lot of negative feelings right now regarding how my body is changing.  Remember those skirts I joyfully outgrew and put away?  Yeah, they fit great now. :-/

Now, hear me out. I am THRILLED to have a new baby on the way.  I am super excited to learn all about how this little one is growing and changing.  I see newborns and get all giddy, knowing we'll have our own to snuggle when spring comes around.  It's not the baby, it's the pregnancy and the changes and stresses that go with it that are getting me down.

Pray for me.  That's what I truly need.

>I need to forget what is behind and strive for what lies ahead.  I worked HARD last year and saw some fruit.  I can work HARD this year and see fruit as well. Different fruit, but beautiful fruit all the same.

> I need to put my focus back on doing all of this that the Lord is lifted up, not that I can wear a certain size or not look like a tent in what I put on.  I got rid of my entire maternity wardrobe after our youngest was born, anticipating that I would never fit in those clothes again. Sigh.  So, I'm needing a full new wardrobe about now.  With funds tight, I do have yet another chance to see the Lord provide, and I'm grateful.  I just need a better attitude regarding how embarrassing and frustrating it is that I can't even fit in the maternity clothes at the stores.  Again, I need my eyes on the Lord, not my silhouette.

>The GD stuff is SO scary, stressful and overwhelming.  First, the strips are costly and this is not a good season for us to have costly expenses. Second, following the meal plan is costly. (see number one). Thirdly, it's so very stressful to eat just right at just the right times, exercise at the right times and not feel like it's consuming your whole brain.  The perfectionist in me fears "failing" those tests, so just having to take them creates a world of stress that is really hard to work through.

So, today is a very emotional day.  Writing it out helps, right?  Maybe. We'll see.  But, for now, at least I'm acknowledging my fears, doubts and disappointments.  If I confess these sins of selfishness and self-pity, I'm closer to the freedom the Lord has for me, right? Pray for me to find that freedom and walk boldly in it.