Willpower?

This morning I had my highest fasting number to date. I feel so silly to admit this, but it nearly brought me to tears.  I am battling so many feelings of failure this morning and it's showing in my attitude, efforts, and stamina.  I really just want to give up. Not for good. But, for today I want to just walk away from all the balls that I'm juggling and let them fall.  So, what did I do?  I pouted. I read a bit. I prayed, half-heartedly. I ignored my exercise. I sat and felt sorry for myself and then got up and vacuumed a couple rooms in the house. At least I can feel depressed with clean floors. ;)

So, as I sit working on minor things to just keep my day plugging along, I received this comment from a dear friend on my post last night: 

Tracy I want you to know that I have been having a hard week this week and whenever I wanted to give up I thought of you and your will power! You are wonderful!

So, yeah. Now the tears are freely flowing.

Ladies, if I had any willpower, I would surely NOT be in the place I am now.  I have never seen myself as someone who is strong or terribly self-disciplined.  I do know that I have some strong insecurities regarding perfectionism and failure.  I struggle daily with fears that I will somehow let someone down in some way. I suppose this could easily be seen as *willpower* or stamina.  Honestly, it's sinful pride and fear that most often drives me when I am left to my own devices.

This is why this journey has always been about my walk with the Lord.  From the beginning, even when not pregnant, I could force myself to do everything "right".  I could follow a plan well and work to impress the class.  However, my efforts were in vain because they never brought about the results I longed for. 

This is what it looks like when I use my own strength:

When I would eat the perfect amount of  calories combined with the right amount of activity, I would still lose at half the rate I "should" have been losing. Fail.

When I would adjust my percentages of protein versus carbs, raw foods versus cooked, whole foods versus junk, I would still see the same results. Fail.

When I would press harder to exercise. Push aside other priorities believing that my health and weight loss was far more important because I only had so much time to accomplish it, I still saw the same results.  Except I added losing ground in other important areas, adding to my struggle. Fail and Fail.

And now, when I had been working to hold off on a pregnancy, knowing that losing weight was crucial to avoiding the GD and a healthy pregnancy, I still saw the blessing of those two pink lines. Well, there was nothing I could do but trust the Lord had a plan even though I felt I had let Him down. Again.

I walked into this pregnancy armed with education and experience from my last GD experience. I was determined I would "beat it" and "win" this time.  Yet, here I sit, barely half way through...not even to the third trimester when a pregnant body *starts* to struggle with blood sugars and I'm already sunk. My friends, my research, and my brain tell me that it's foolish to believe this lie. But, my heart still does. Fail.

This is when the Lord steps in.  This when He shows me just how far from the truth I really am. This challenge to right the wrongs I've done in my life regarding my body are not about losing weight, winning a battle against diabetes, or avoiding a dreaded medicated hospital birth.  Truly, those are good aims. Who would fault me for working so hard to get healthy so that I can keep a baby safe during pregnancy?  Yet, this isn't about me.  This is about me giving glory to my Lord.

The truth is that whatsoever I do, whether I eat or drink, whether I fast or cleanse, whether I exercise or rest, it is ALL to be done to the glory of God.  Not to my hope for results. Not to my joy at a number on a scale.  Not to the satisfaction of a smaller size.  Every striving, every effort, every choice is to be for HIM and the glory HE will receive, not to myself. 

This changes my perspective on this journey.  It becomes not the THING *I* do, but a PART of the THING that *God* is doing in me.  It is as important as the work He does to create patience in me as I work with my children in their daily tasks. It is as important as the work He is doing to empty me of myself as I strive to love and respect my husband as unto the Lord. It is as important as the work He is doing to press me beyond my comfort levels and into areas of forgiveness with extended family.  It is all connected because it is all about how He is at work to change me into His image.

And this is why the results should not matter because the results are not my work to be done.  My Lord has called me to be faithful in my efforts and to trust Him with the results.  He has commanded me to trust and obey as He does His work.  He has set forth in His word clear directions on how I should live my life in all ways and this is where my focus needs be.  I am to strive, to pour out my life, to give all my energy to obey the commands He has placed on my life, allowing Him to choose the results that will honor Him most.  And this means the results in my parenting, marriage, home, ministry, as well as my physical health.

So, how am I applying this principle?   Not very well today.  Today my eyes have gotten off course and focused again on the results that I cannot control.  I have once again attempted to take back control and responsibility for that which I have no business handling.  I've already proven time and again that when I am in control, the results will not be pleasing to myself or to Him.  What I need to do is to return to the truth that this is all about Him and the work He is about. Not only in my life, my baby's life, but surely His plan spreads far beyond my mind's eye.  To know that He desires to use my efforts, my struggles, even my failings to bring Him glory and reveal Himself strong gives me hope. It gives me purpose. It causes me to remember my place in this work.  To remain faithful, to keep His words always before me, to trust His judgement, and to every moment ask for His strength to do the right thing. 

I will answer one day not for the number on the scale or the number on the meter. I will answer for my obedience to make right choices. I will answer for my diligence to learn and equip myself with the best knowledge I can find to make those right choices. I will answer for my idleness versus my activity.  I will answer for my efforts to stay on course, regardless of the outcome. 

I think of my last labor.  I was given a short amount of time to birth my baby before they would put me on meds.  I was angry and felt cheated to be forced in this manner. Yet, I took that to motivate me to give everything I had to do what I believed was best for the birth of our baby. I spent an entire day pushing myself to accomplish this goal only to be faced with the fact that my body wouldn't comply.  When I finally agreed to the meds it was with a heart of peace.  I knew that even if I was being forced into what wasn't *best* for our little one or myself, I had done everything in my power to do what was best.  It was now time to allow the Lord to work out His best and accept the results as He had planned. I will never regret my efforts in that time. I had the satisfaction of knowing I had done everything I could to remain faithful and strong to the end. I had finished well and that allowed me to rest fully in the next step of His plan.

I need to keep that memory in my heart in the coming months. Giving up is not an option.  Yet, I don't see my ability to press on as *willpower*.  It is simply the work of the Holy Spirit in me keeping me from whatever false sense of strength I think I can or can't muster up.  It is amazing to see that the Lord would choose such a vessel as me to accomplish His work.  That leaves me humbled and ever more eager to continue on. To think that anyone else would see anything in me that would cause them to have courage, well, that can only be the work of the Lord. And for that, I am blessed to be used as a part of His plan.

Writing this out was what I needed today.  Thank you, Lord for your truth and the ability to discern it from the constant barrage of easily believed lies that surround me. Please, let me remember that my choices, my work, my strivings bring you glory even if the results don't seem to match.

Saturday December 24, 2011

Today's Good Things:
Lovely morning opening gifts with our family
Made wise choices for dinner, avoiding the unhealthy carbs.
Controlled myself to take one small bite of "petz" which had enough sugar in it to last. ;)
Enjoyed a mid-morning nap

Today's Not So Good Things:
Still not getting my exercise in
House is pretty trashed, but I'm letting it be okay.

I feel pretty good about how my day went today. I did well with my choices at dinner at my il's as well as eating at home. I haven't been keeping up with my snacks as well as I should, but I'm still working to be careful. And, I'm applauding myself for that considering we're smack in the middle of the Season of Indulgence.

I spent my day yesterday an emotional wreck. I felt I had ruined Christmas by not working hard enough to make it special. I know I could have worked harder, but I am so grateful to the Lord for His patience with me.  He is gentle and His burden is light. If only I would truly learn to carry His burden rather than the one I strap on myself.  Today was a precious day with our children and again, with David's family. I believe our most meaningful Christmas Eve we've ever spent with them.  I'm humbled to see the Lord continuing to work and build our lives up and closer to Him. 

Tomorrow we spend our day focusing on your word.  Please help me to press forward with a heart eager to serve and obey.

Saturday, Nov.12 2011

Today's Good Things:
Rested A LOT
Got some laundry put away
Winter clothes organized and sorted (but really, that was not my doing)
Online shopping (but not buying yet) for maternity clothes
Did well with my eating choices, though I didn't follow my plan exactly

Today's Not So Good Things:
Didn't follow my meal plan
Didn't eat enough
Didn't get any exercise
Didn't get enough sleep last night, so feeling awful
Winning the Crabby Mom award for the day (week?? sigh.)

I'm going to do this. I'm forcing myself to get back to daily journaling. Just knowing I have to report my day *should* motivate me to make it worth reporting.  I hope.

So, here comes the personal stuff you may not care to read in happy blog land.  I finally admitted today that I am not enjoying being pregnant right now.  I feel ill, tired, unmotivated, irritable, lazy, achey, and HUGE.  I'm battling a lot of negative feelings right now regarding how my body is changing.  Remember those skirts I joyfully outgrew and put away?  Yeah, they fit great now. :-/

Now, hear me out. I am THRILLED to have a new baby on the way.  I am super excited to learn all about how this little one is growing and changing.  I see newborns and get all giddy, knowing we'll have our own to snuggle when spring comes around.  It's not the baby, it's the pregnancy and the changes and stresses that go with it that are getting me down.

Pray for me.  That's what I truly need.

>I need to forget what is behind and strive for what lies ahead.  I worked HARD last year and saw some fruit.  I can work HARD this year and see fruit as well. Different fruit, but beautiful fruit all the same.

> I need to put my focus back on doing all of this that the Lord is lifted up, not that I can wear a certain size or not look like a tent in what I put on.  I got rid of my entire maternity wardrobe after our youngest was born, anticipating that I would never fit in those clothes again. Sigh.  So, I'm needing a full new wardrobe about now.  With funds tight, I do have yet another chance to see the Lord provide, and I'm grateful.  I just need a better attitude regarding how embarrassing and frustrating it is that I can't even fit in the maternity clothes at the stores.  Again, I need my eyes on the Lord, not my silhouette.

>The GD stuff is SO scary, stressful and overwhelming.  First, the strips are costly and this is not a good season for us to have costly expenses. Second, following the meal plan is costly. (see number one). Thirdly, it's so very stressful to eat just right at just the right times, exercise at the right times and not feel like it's consuming your whole brain.  The perfectionist in me fears "failing" those tests, so just having to take them creates a world of stress that is really hard to work through.

So, today is a very emotional day.  Writing it out helps, right?  Maybe. We'll see.  But, for now, at least I'm acknowledging my fears, doubts and disappointments.  If I confess these sins of selfishness and self-pity, I'm closer to the freedom the Lord has for me, right? Pray for me to find that freedom and walk boldly in it.

Everything but the Elephant

This story comes from the book I'm reading. I've been keeping a page with quotes that challenge me from that book, but I wanted to type out this story here. It's been a wonderful analogy for me in this area of weight-loss and health as well as applying it to every other area of my walk with the Lord. In fact, we've been asking ourselves frequently around here, "Is that part of the elephant?"

It seems there was an artist who, one day, found that a large piece of granite had risen unexpectedly from the yard outside his home. Now, I don't know about you, but if that had happened to me I'd be upset. Just one more annoying thing I'd need to take care of before I could mow the lawn. Reportedly, it did annoy the artist, and he knew he'd eventually have to do something about it. He debated about borrowing a jackhammer from a friend until he remembered that, of course, he had no friends with jackhammers. Then he thought about getting some dynamite and blasting the granite into smaller stones that he could then carry away. But that didn't seem right either so he sat and thought about what to do. As he sat and thought and looked at that stone, he began to look past his problem. He forgot about his goal of getting rid of the stone. He actually started to see the stone. He noticed the lines and the shape. He decided to be grateful for the stone. Then one day he got out his chisel and hammer, and within a short time, he created an unbelievable reproduction of an elephant. Neighbors and passersby alike were amazed when they saw what appeared to be a real elephant grazing in his yard.

A friend asked the amateur sculptor how he'd managed to do such a good job in reproducing a realistic form of an elephant without even a model or picture to go by. The artist replied confidently, "It was really pretty easy, actually. I just chipped away everything that didn't look like an elephant."

This story comes with the challenge to focus on the person you most wish to become. As I read this story, I am struck with how it illustrates the fact that God's spirit is at work within me to chip away at everything that doesn't look like Christ. Because of His finished work on the cross, the victory of His resurrection, His application of righteousness to my life, and the gift of His Holy Spirit, I am now becoming the person God created me to be. In His word, I see that He is at work to reveal and remove those habits, weaknesses, and desires that keep me from loving my Lord fully.  I am seeing this in new ways as I work to face the addictions and desires that hold me in the area of what I eat and how I use my body.  When I read through this blog, I see the excuses and habits that have defeated me in the past months. Magnify that by the number of years I've been alive and I see a life that needs some chipping. 

The author give the challenge, "If you are serious about continuing your walk on this spiritual path to weight loss, you will work hard to chip away everything that does not look like the person you most wish to become." 

I give myself the challenge, Just chip away everything that doesn't look like Jesus.

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;  Romans 8:29

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; 1 Peter 1:14-15

For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall also be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin;  for he who has died is freed from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, is never to die again ; death no longer is master over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all ; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness ; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. Romans 6:5-13

Where Am I?

Good question. Wish I had a great answer. ;-)

The last week and half I've not been journaling. I've not been logging consistently either. Some days I've been too busy to find the time to write. Some days I've been too busy to log food and exercise. Most of the time, however, I've been derailed by one thing or another. Company for dinner, a holiday party, the weekend, my birthday.  Sort of a snowball of this and that which led to a stand still in this part of my life.

I was working to make some good choices. I also allowed indulgences. I have started up with my morning 15s again this week, and was surprised that I was able to start where I left off with reps. The weather has been a real downer and I've used it as an excuse to stay in where it's warm instead of conquering the snow for my afternoon walks.

I'm a little bummed that I didn't meet some of my goals that I had for my birthday. However, I was learning from my son this morning as he shared about his devotions. The Lord tells us he desires our obedience rather than our sacrifices. It struck me a little that the goals I've been making, the routines and the lists, they are like sacrifices in a way.  Like the Israelites of old would rely on the practice of offering sacrifices to excuse sin, I saw that how easy it is to use my fitness tricks or games to excuse some of my indiscretions with my choices. The Lord desires my obedience above my excuses. Obedience in the area of how I use and care for my body. Obedience in the example I give my children. Obedience in the use of my time and fulfillment of my responsibilities. When I fail to obey, I need to be on my knees asking forgiveness, not trying to "make up for it" by sacrificing the next days meals or doubling up on my chores. Now, there are certainly times when I will need to do those things, but they are not what makes me right before the Lord. I cannot "undo damage" with my own efforts. "Picking myself back up", "Getting Back On Track", none of that is what the Lord is calling me to do UNLESS I have first made right my heart before him.

Lord, you call me to obedience to your command to be diligent in all things, to walk in self-control, to live peaceably with those around me, to live by the Spirit and not the desires of my flesh. I know that I have sinned and fallen short of these commands.

Daily I need your cleansing and it must come before I make attempts in my own strength to fix any messes I have made. When I come before you, humble and contrite, you will restore and renew. You will pick me up and set me on the path. I am in awe of your grace and mercy.

"If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us."

1 John 1:8-10

"I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD. How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done, And Your thoughts toward us; There is none to compare with You. If I would declare and speak of them, They would be too numerous to count. Sacrifice and meal offering You have not desired; My ears You have opened; Burnt offering and sin offering You have not required. Then I said, 'Behold, I come; In the scroll of the book it is written of me. I delight to do Your will, O my God; Your Law is within my heart.'"

Psalm 40:1-8