I am walking around in a general state of Minor Yuck. It's not pleasant. Yet, it's not so horrible that I feel justified to go with my emotions and wallow in it. Not justified, yet I think I have been doing it most of the time. Sigh.
I don't know if it's simply the hormones of pregnancy that are effecting me and keeping me from feeling well. I don't know if it's somehow linked to my blood sugar issues that are still not under control. It could very well be linked to following doc's orders and lifting the GD diet for the early part of the week in preparation for the 3 hour challenge. Good news is, I don't have to take that test. (whew!) The I Don't Know If It's Bad News news is that I'm going straight to GD counseling, making me an official Gestational Diabetic. It's what I wanted, skipping the test and getting on with treatment. But, somehow, getting that diagnosis and all that comes with it is hard to accept. Still working on those Feelings of Failure, I guess.
Yesterday I was quite productive. I got a lot done in the kitchen and around the house and even made good on some schoolwork. I should have been elated. It had been a long while since I had accomplished a list of any significant size. Instead, I felt deflated and worn out. This morning a thought struck me as I was forcing myself through the Get Ready For Church routine.
My heart is just not into this.
"This" meaning anything and everything, I guess. No matter what I set about, I'm feeling like I'm either forcing may way through, finding a way to just "get by", or just completely disconnecting from what is in front of me. I don't like that feeling. I don't like the Disconnect.
This certainly isn't a cheerful, uplifting post. That is certain. I will say that my heart IS completely overjoyed with anticipation of our new baby girl. I've already named her in my heart and have been enjoying bonding with her this week. I just wish I was as emotionally attached to the others that are with me and the work the Lord has for me each day.
However, if taking proper care of myself means that I live in a state of Disconnect and forcing what is right, then so be it. My feelings do not have to precede my actions. As I well know, Doing right will lead to Feeling right...eventually.
So, tomorrow I begin again. Praying the Lord enables me to push through this fog and get in those simple but important goals of exercise and eating enough and properly. My biggest struggle is to simply eat as much as I should, *what* I should, and *when* I should. It sure sounds simple. For me, it feels super hard.
If I don't push, I'll give up. This sweet little girl needs a momma that doesn't quit.
"And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope ; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." Romans 8:23-35
Tracy ((hugs))...I feel the exact same way around 30 weeks pregnant! Its definitely hormones. You have been on my mind and I will keep you in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteHey..........(((((((HUGS))))))) first and then I wanted to tell you that you should check out the coconut oil link on my recent post!!
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