Looking Back

So, this past weekend we pulled out some home movies to watch.  Of course it's so precious to see the children in their tiny little form watching birthdays, Christmases, and births of babies happen before our eyes.  Love that.

This time, though, I really saw Me.  I saw a woman that has been overweight...heck, I'll just say it, OBESE for a good 15 years or more.  I saw a woman that was loving her family, making great memories, but worn out, tired, and struggling to keep up with the memories being made. In fact, a lot of the reason those movies got made was because I was sitting out on the sidelines of family life.

I heard my children gasp as they saw my oversized body move across the screen. I cringed when I saw the rolls and the way I struggled to just move or carry a baby in my belly with all the extra weight. I grieve that I spent those years hurting myself and putting those unborn babies at risk now that I know it was simply the result of my choices and ignorance regarding my food choices and habits. 

Today, I am a smaller size than I've been probably since I had my first baby.  I have more energy. I think more clearly.  I struggle so much less emotionally and hormonally.  It truly is amazing.

And, one thing that leaves me grieving is that for the last 5-6 years of that time I believed I was eating for health. I was following the *best* advice. We were eating meat and dairy based whole foods. We eliminated all processed foods and sugar. I loaded our plates with plenty of butter, bacon drippings, olive oil. We even at BEANS several times a week, for crying out loud!

I made so many foods from scratch, I could have given Mrs. Ingalls a run for her money. (okay, well..not really.)  I had a huge bin of natural supplements for omegas, stabilizing blood sugar, supporting hormone swings and depression, fighting illness.

I was Doing The Right Things.  Everyone told me so. My OBs, my midwives, my mainstream medical friends, my natural crunchy momma friends.  I was meticulous about my GD diet plan and I was the pride of the diabetes counselors.

And there I sat. Obese and growing Obese-er.  Diabetic.  Gall Bladder disease.  High cholesterol.  Depression.  Insomnia.  Thyroid symptoms and concerns.  Chronic fatigue.  Chronic headaches. Chronic yeast infections and mastitis. Chronic misery.

And today, here I stand.  FIVE MONTHS of replacing meat, dairy and nutrient-deficient fats by pouring simple, nutrient-rich plants into my body and I am a completely new person! I'll type it again....FIVE MONTHS!!!

Forty pounds - GONE!  (after 15 YEARS of trying to lose but only gaining, I am NO LONGER OBESE!! and well on my way out of Overweight.) 

Blood sugar symptoms and issues vanished.

Cholesterol levels perfect.

Instead of 3-4 days per week of headaches that sent me to bed for a full day, I have one minor headache each month the day before my cycle begins. Nothing I need to medicate at all. Huge difference.

Cycles are completely pain free.  No cramping, no headaches, no fatigue, minimal bleeding for minimal period of time.  I barely know it's even there.

Yeast infections and symptoms have disappeared.

Energy!  I can DO the work the Lord has called me to do.

Addiction free.  No more reliance on foods for good feelings.  No more detox symptoms (headaches, shakes, blood sugar swings, hunger pangs) creating the cycle that fed the addictions to caffeine, sugar, salt, and fat.

And, most importantly, freedom from the bondage of my sinful habits. No more choosing food to celebrate, reward, comfort, appease, release stress, hide from my struggles. 

I'm free from my emotions and the power food had over me to abuse those emotions. 

All because I was willing to challenge my pride and my idea that "I could NEVER eat like THAT!" and just TRY it for a few weeks to see what could happen.  I can't help but pour out my heart of thanks to the Lord for so clearly guiding me when, finally, I seriously prayed and asked. 

I look at that woman in those movies.  I know her heart. It's the same heart as the one I have today longing to honor the Lord and searching for answers on the right way to do it.  But today, this woman, she is free of the baggage that all those years of imprisonment to food, addiction, ignorance, and sinful food habits brought.  That freedom means I am released in so many other areas in my life as well. 

 

"Jesus answered them, 'Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin.  "The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever.  "So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.'  " 

John 8:34-36

 

 

OH What a difference a year makes!!

Fall 2012

 

Fall 2013

 

 No more sitting on the sidelines for me!

Daniel Fast - Day Eight

June 17, 2013

Day Eight

Great day!

I'm on my own with seven of the children and we had a great day.  We got up on time, chores and breakfast were a little late, but overall it was a good start. We headed out for a couple of hours worth of gardening, transplanting flowers around the house. It was great. Felt good knowing I started the day with some productive activity.

Schooling, shopping, choring, all sorts of things got done today.  I felt upbeat and happy to be with my children.  The food thing isn't really bothering me much aside from just deciding what we will eat. I do feel like it's getting costly to feed all these people and stick with the diet.  I'm going to start using up our eggs for the little girls and save the nuts and seeds for the rest of us.  Two more days and Benj gets to move over to the modified fast. He's excited. ;)

I started reading the book, Eat to Live: The End of Diabetes.  I actually picked it up a couple of weeks ago and wasn't impressed. I sat down with it again today and am drawn in.  I'm reading his description of toxic hunger versus real hunger. Were I not on this fast, I think I would have just blown off his writing. Now that I'm experiencing what he's talking about, it holds a little more weight with me.  I don't want to be seeking out a man's way of diet right now, but I am intrigued with his ideas and what I'm learning about why my body is reacting the way it is right now. 

Still having pain in my ankle that I injured 8 years ago. It's been bothering me a lot lately, though I haven't damaged it again.  Otherwise I'm doing well. Joint pain, muscle aches, cramping, head aches, those are all gone.  I still have some tinges of lower back pain, but that is fading. 

Water is finally satisfying to me again.  I wasn't drinking much water at all because it was so bland. Now that I'm getting over my coffee fix and diet soda binges, it's refreshing again. I love feeling it's goodness and knowing that my body is healing with every swallow.

Looked at some old pictures with the children tonight.  Don't know if that was a good idea or not. So much time gone by in a flash.  My whole life I've disliked what I've seen in photos. So sad. Praying the Lord releases me of my preoccupation with my self and my image and enables me to walk in the freedom of sanctification, growing stronger and closer to Him.

OH!  I was in bed by 9:30pm last night!! That's another issue I need to work on. I stay up WAY too late.

Journal Notes from Day Four

June 13, 2013

 

"Behold, how happy is the man whom God reproves, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For He inflicts pain and give relief; He wounds, and His hands heal."

Job 5:17-18

This  verse is my promise of hope.

This fast. This pain and discomfort to my body. This is your reproof to my pride and indulgence. You bring this so that I would see the abuse and misuse I have in my life. I have wrongly fed and tended my physical body and soul. I have wrongly used food to cater to my desires. I am so humbled. First, by the fact that I have seen how a silly cup of coffee or tea makes me feel valued or gives me a sense of worth. That it feeds my selfish desires to feel I somehow deserve praise or reward for my work in day.

Lord, this work I do should be my act of service and worship. I do this for Your praise. I should allow You to bless me - not use Your blessings to reward myself - especially with things that harm me. I see, as my body is releasing whatever it's been holding, this pain in my joints, muscles, head, this reveals the physical damage I've done and the sin that brought me there. So many ways my body cries out, "Sinner! Selfish! Indulgent! Lazy!" 

Lazy.  Oh, how my laziness is revealed. I am always choosing an easier way. Yet, this fast causes me to choose and work for those foods that cleanse and heal. To provide what is healthy for my family I must work and not choose those things which are easy if they are not healthy.

Please continue to work in me. I am, right now, in a time of humility and grief over my choices. I didn't expect to feel so badly. Show me what is hurting me most. Teach me, especially regarding my flesh, teach me and heal me.  I joyfully accept your wounds and inflictions of pain - pain of body and spirit, because I know the promise of Your healing and relief accompany them.

Your wounds bring healing.  This fast (wound) brings healing. The world's wounds (foods and indulgence) bring more pain leading to death. My flesh (choices regarding food and drink) bring pain and keep me from You, which is a life empty and pointless.

Your wounds bring healing.

Monday July 2, 2012

Today's Good Things:
No soda :)
Short walk after lunch
Family walk after dinner
Ate raw at each meal

Today's Not So Good Things:
Poor choices for snacks
Missed a lot of sleep last night so was dragging and very sedentary all day

Was super hungry at mid-morning and went with the easy-out...animal crackers with the littles. Boo.  Also added some chocolate chips to my peanuts this afternoon. Well, I add peanuts to my choc chips because I've been munching on those too much lately. So, maybe it was actually an improvement.

I'm using MFP right now but not as exact as I could. I don't have the patience to enter in my recipes, so I'm guessing a bit on some things.

I really liked getting out after lunch today. The rest of this week will be hot, so I'm going to aim for some after lunch exercise on the wii instead. I need the stress release right now as much as the exercise.

Feeling pretty good about my start this week. Just the fact that I'm here logging in is a step in the right direction. I'm not where I used to be, but I'm not where I *used* to be either. In fact, I'm here in July and that's really good for my pp habits. Hopefully, I can at least curb the 20lb pp gain I usually do if not see significant loss right now. I sure do want to work for the loss, though.

Thursday January 26, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Up 30 min early (5am)
Morning pilates (10 min)
Bible & journal
Story hour at library with littles
followed my meal plan with lunch exception
24 min on wii fit this afternoon (*instead* of zoning out on computer)
Pushed through dinner and ended night working on some lesson work we've been behind on
My husband was home at 7pm tonight..yay!!

Today's Not So Good Things:
Caved to my craving for frozen pizza for lunch (aka cardboad pizza as my husband calls it)

Today's Food Choices:
Breakfast: 2 oz cheddar cheese, 1.5 sourdough rye krisp crackers, decaf black
Snack: 1 slice hm LOOM bread with raisins, buttered
Lunch: 3 pieces of frozen pizza (cooked, of course!), carrot sticks, 2 pieces of ants-on-a-log (celery w/ pb and raisins), diet soda, 1 spoonful of pb
Snack: grapefruit and *maybe* 1 oz pepperoni
Dinner: 2 reg sized bowls of tortellini soup, (second bowl I removed the tortellini ;) ), 1 slice of ww italian bread-buttered
Snack: greek yogurt with fruit bowl (thawing as I type. ;) )

Today was good. Okay, the pizza wasn't a great choice, but I did chase it down with fresh vegies.  I'll never understand why I still like that stuff so much. I grew up on it (among other prepackaged gems) and I just can't shake the taste for it. I rarely buy it, so it always feels like a treat when we have it. I was glad to follow it up with some yummy homemade soup LOADED with vegies tonight. :)

I made a great choice this afternoon to put aside my computer and "sitting work" and get in some exercise on the wii.  It's fun and wakes me up a bit during the afternoon slump. Because of some school issues happening here, I'm not yet comfortable to leave the house for my afternoon mile like I used to, so this was a good substitute. 

That's all I've got for tonight. My husband is enjoying some time with the children before they head to bed, so I'm going to join them. :D

ETA: I added the recipe to the tortellini soup to my Recipes page at the top in case anyone wants to give it a try.