Proving Myself Wrong

You know, the last many years I've been lying to myself.

So many nights I've said:

I don't have it in me to cook.

I am WAY too tired to pull a meal together.

It will be SO late by the time we get home, I'll never get a decent dinner on the table before we all starve.  

To death, no less.

All lies.

Tonight, we got home at 5:30.  Of course, the whole way home I was lamenting over the "good ol' days" when I would have just had my husband get a take out pizza or run through the drive-thru for cheap burgers and fries.  But, NOOOOOOOO.  I have to eat HEALTHY.  I have to eat Plant-Based foods.  We can't do easy things and just move on.  Isn't there room for exceptions and a tired mom to just have a break?

That's how I talk to myself.

I even bantered with my husband on the phone over all this. When the conversation ended, I realized just how much EASIER it was going to be to go home and throw something together rather than eat out at Who Knows Where because nothing out there leaves us feeling good anymore.

Tonight's dinner: 
Pintos seasoned with crushed tomatoes, spices, garlic and onion; corn on the cob; fresh green beans sautéed with garlic, onion powder, and mushrooms using the corn water; applesauce for dessert

On the table in less than 30 minutes. Faster than any take out, delivery, frozen dinner, or probably most drive-thrus given the size of our order when we would go.

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Scale was down today, lower than it's been. I have less than 3 pounds to go before I hit the next decade. You know I'm feeling really happy about that. :)

Broke a couple little toes last night, though.  I've been hobbling around today and trying to put my feet up when I can to keep the swelling down.  Really stinks. I was just setting some exercise goals with my T-Tapp workouts.

Tomorrow I'm going to try getting done my BWP and see how I do.  Hopefully I can get in a decent workout without irritating those little appendages. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

Today's Good Things:
Water
Good choices at home
Work out after lunch

Today's Not So Good Things:
I feel AWFUL after eating out tonight

We went out with friends tonight.  We went to a burger place. Good burgers. I had a bison burger, thinking, less fat would be good. I had a whole burger and shared a sweet potato fry with David, water to drink.  Good choices, considering my options, I thought.

By the time we got home, my stomach started bothering me, big time.  I'm working in the kitchen now, getting food ready for tomorrow and I feel so nauseous, I think I'm going to be sick.  I'm not sure it's the food, but it's hard to think it isn't related.

I don't know as the bison is making me feel ill, the grease/oil from how it was prepared or just that I put way too much food in my stomach.  Ick.

I got in a good workout today on the wii again.  I've been doing more of the yoga and strength training and my body can feel it. The tops of my legs are very sore from the lunges I've been doing.  Going down the stairs right now is brutal.

David is so eager to start his juicing fast.  We need to get groceries and I need a chance to think it through and have things ready.  I know he wants to start tomorrow, but we'll be out all day and that makes for a difficult time to be starting a whole new diet plan.  I am hoping I can pull it together so we're ready to start as soon as possible for him.  Maybe after a decent night's sleep I'll be ready to take it on.

Note to self:  Order the salad.

Well, Waddya Know?!

I was just posting on how this cycle has been quite mild for a first pp cycle.  I remembered sharing this article on the blog some years back.  As I read it again, I can see that I am eating exactly how they recommend.  Maybe, just maybe, that has something to do with how well I'm doing, physically, right now.

Emotionally, I have some room to grow. Sigh.

Daniel Fast - Day Five

June 14, 2013

Day Five

Woke up today barely able to move. My lower back and legs are in great pain. I worked on lying in varying positions. Lying down increases the pain in my legs.  Standing takes away the leg pain, but my back pain lingers.  After a rub with Bio-Freeze without relief, I caved in and took some pain killers.  I can function again and am doing some gentle work around the house.
 
Breakfast this morning was Breakfast Cookies.  Seemed like people sorta grazed their way through the kitchen for lunch before heading out to the beach with David this afternoon. I enjoyed some reheated taco soup and a salad from the lettuce I picked from our garden this week topped with raw cauliflower, almonds, and diced green apples.

I've been getting in some time in the word today.  I keep wondering how the Lord is going to just *show* me how I'm supposed to eat. What diet I'm supposed to follow. What plan is the right one for me.  It seems like hocus-pocus to think He's going to flash a word in my face and I'll hear angels singing.  Well, I guess that is like hocus-pocus. It doesn't work that way. 

Being in the word DOES work, however.  I'm not sure if others do this, but I often think, "There's not really a specific answer in here for me. I'm going to have to find some vague principle and apply it. Should I even bother looking? Where would I even start?"  And so goes my one-sided conversation.

God's word is never void.  Just pick a word. I did.  Indulgence.  Led me right to the book of Colossians.  Right to beautiful truths revealing the ugliness that the Lord is cleansing from my life right now.  I'm going to keep working on simplifying this fast so I can enjoy more of these rich truths He has waiting for me. 

*Finished the day with baked potatoes, green beans sautéed in garlic, and a big salad with fixin's. I skipped the potato, but munched on the skin from BabyKinz's potato.  David pulled out the Woven Wheat crackers and topped them with peanut butter and all fruit spread. I had two.  Truly, peanut butter and jelly is one of my hardest things to resist. I was very proud to have only had two.

Journal Notes from Day Four

June 13, 2013

 

"Behold, how happy is the man whom God reproves, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For He inflicts pain and give relief; He wounds, and His hands heal."

Job 5:17-18

This  verse is my promise of hope.

This fast. This pain and discomfort to my body. This is your reproof to my pride and indulgence. You bring this so that I would see the abuse and misuse I have in my life. I have wrongly fed and tended my physical body and soul. I have wrongly used food to cater to my desires. I am so humbled. First, by the fact that I have seen how a silly cup of coffee or tea makes me feel valued or gives me a sense of worth. That it feeds my selfish desires to feel I somehow deserve praise or reward for my work in day.

Lord, this work I do should be my act of service and worship. I do this for Your praise. I should allow You to bless me - not use Your blessings to reward myself - especially with things that harm me. I see, as my body is releasing whatever it's been holding, this pain in my joints, muscles, head, this reveals the physical damage I've done and the sin that brought me there. So many ways my body cries out, "Sinner! Selfish! Indulgent! Lazy!" 

Lazy.  Oh, how my laziness is revealed. I am always choosing an easier way. Yet, this fast causes me to choose and work for those foods that cleanse and heal. To provide what is healthy for my family I must work and not choose those things which are easy if they are not healthy.

Please continue to work in me. I am, right now, in a time of humility and grief over my choices. I didn't expect to feel so badly. Show me what is hurting me most. Teach me, especially regarding my flesh, teach me and heal me.  I joyfully accept your wounds and inflictions of pain - pain of body and spirit, because I know the promise of Your healing and relief accompany them.

Your wounds bring healing.  This fast (wound) brings healing. The world's wounds (foods and indulgence) bring more pain leading to death. My flesh (choices regarding food and drink) bring pain and keep me from You, which is a life empty and pointless.

Your wounds bring healing.

Daniel Fast - Day Four

June 13, 2013

Day Four

Was up for several hours after nursing the baby last night with horrible leg pain. My muscles and joints were bothering me yesterday afternoon, but I just passed it off to being busy. I could NOT fall asleep.  My knees, ankles and lower back are awful. The muscles in the back of my legs are throbbing. My headache is back today. I guess my body is still in detox mode.  That also explains the extreme fatigue I've been battling. 

I'm going to work on increasing my water intake today. I'm also going to plan in some daily baths with Epsom salts. I want to flush this crud out. But, reading about others that have felt this way with this fast was helpful. Now I know it's normal and I can focus on praying through it.

I have a journal entry to share later today when I have some time to type it out.  I am also working on spending more time praying and reading the word so this fast can accomplish the Lord's purposes in me. I'm definitely in a time of being brought low right now.

This morning's breakfast, Build Your Own Burritos was a hit. David especially liked his. He fried up some onion, peppers, mushrooms, potatoes and topped with salsa.  He was so impressed he said, "Wow. Maybe I could be a vegetarian."  Now, THAT'S quite the statement.

Heading out for a walk this morning after math class is done.  I want to move this aching body of mine a bit and soak up some sun before the rain comes back. 

*Walk was good. Perfect weather, perfect length. A few too many ticks for our liking, but we all enjoyed the break.

Lunch and dinner were pieced together. We ended up just reheating food from yesterday or gobbling up the pinto beans that cooked overnight in the crock pot.  I'm feeling awful, still. Along with my headache and body aches, I'm crampy like I could start my cycle at any time. I haven't had a pp cycle yet, so this one could be a doozy. Ick. 

It's 8:20pm and as soon as this baby is done nursing, I'm out. Blah.

Daniel Fast - Day Two

June 11, 2013

Day Two - Woke with the worst headache and I've been fighting it all day.  I've been back and forth with nausea as well.  This caffeine detox is rough.

Took my blood sugar after breakfast (fried rice and vegies) and it was 126 at one hour.  Took it before lunch, when I was feeling awful and it was 86.

Still fighting a headache and the horrible draw to take an afternoon nap.  Decided to blog a bit while my head pounds.  Thinking I'm going to hit the medicine cabinet for some relief. Pretty sure Tylenol isn't on the Daniel Fast, but something has to give. I have a family to tend.

Tonight's dinner is Winter Lentil Vegetable soup. That will be yummy on a cold, rainy day.  We have an ice cream social tonight.  That will be tough for my nine year old to resist. I'm letting her choose whether she'll stick to the fast or not. ;)

*Made some Oatmeal crackers. Two versions. One with cinnamon (no sugar) and one with onion/garlic/dill.  Huge success! Served the cinnamon crackers with natural peanut butter and all fruit topping. Served the onion-dill to the little girls with cream cheese. (they are modified, so eating some dairy and eggs)  Saving the onion-dill to serve with our Lentil soup tonight. (That's looking and smelling lovely simmering on the stove as well. :)

*Back from the Bright Lights meeting tonight.  Skipped the ice cream treat and shared a banana with my oldest daughter tonight on the way home. Chatted so much, I didn't even miss the ice cream.  I was surprised that Ruth, my 9yo, decided to skip the ice cream, too, and stay true to our fast. :)

Wednesday July 11, 2012

Today's Good Things:
Followed my diet restrictions
Fought off another gb attack this afternoon with apple juice. Found out that really works.
Evening walk and fun at the park with the fam
Making some changes with schooling and really hoping it comes together
Mornings are going better
Logged on mfp

Today's Not So Good Things:
Snacked on a bag of cookies after lunch - wondering if that was my trigger
Major gb attack last night-woke me up even-needed meds. Ouch. :(
Tired. Oh. So. Tired.
More crabby kiddos, extremely so.

Starting to wonder if I need to make some connections on what they are eating to behavior as well. Haven't seen a couple of my girls this way before.  I took them to Wendy's for lunch yesterday as a treat. I had a salad but let them pick what they wanted. Chicken nuggets and then I got them each a Frosty.  I couldn't believe the behavior I saw today. I'm wondering if the food had something to do with it. :-?

I woke up about an hour into sleeping with terrible pain. Well, it was actually nausea but it progressed so fast I was moving like crazy looking for relief. I've been told apple juice or apple sauce works, so I booked it downstairs to get some applesauce down. The relief couldn't come soon enough, though. I didn't have lemon juice or apple juice on hand, so I just went for the meds that they gave me at the ER. Instant relief, I tell ya'. Well, not instant, but within 5-10 minutes. I was really surprised to see it work that fast. Or, maybe the applesauce helped some too? I don't know, but it was really defeating. I had worked hard that day to make careful choices. Especially as my husband took me out that night for dinner and there was only ONE thing on the Olive Garden menu that I could really eat. Yet, I still had a foul reaction. So sad. Then, on the way home from the grocery store, my nausea and tightness started to pick up again. By the time I got home, I was sending my son to the corner store for apple juice. (no idea why I didn't get some while I was shopping.)  That really helped. But, MAN do I HATE drinking so many calories!! I have never liked drinking juice bc it's so empty of fiber and yet so loaded with calories. Yet, juice seems to be helping me right now, so I need to adapt, I guess.

With all that, I've been afraid to eat anything. And tonight, I'm afraid to lie down for fear that will trigger an attack as well. I never had to be so careful, I am so frustrated that I have to avoid so many foods right now. Anyone reading, please pray for me to best understand what is the best course of action regarding this issue. Please pray I can find a doctor to help me make a wise choice. We have no leads on doctors in our area and I'm feeling pressed to find someone I can talk with soon.

On the upside, I had my pp appointment yesterday and all seemed well. The abdominal pain I'm having is likely diastasis, so I'll need to work on that. I'm hoping to start Ttapp again and that may help. Otherwise, I will look into more exercises designed to target that issue. Also, I weighed-in at 208, so at least I haven't gained what I was fearing I gained since Kindred was born. Now to just work at keeping off anymore.  Honestly, the scale isn't as high a priority to me right now as getting my gall bladder healthy and strengthening my body to ward off the aches and pains.

I'm off to try to sleep now. Fear or no fear, I'm completely exhausted and desparately need to sleep.

Best Laid Plans

Sigh. I'm always so full of good intentions. They never get me anywhere, though.  My absence here is a good indicator of the difficulties I've been having the past few weeks.

A list of health issues in chronological order since Baby Kindy arrived:

Incorrect latch/no weight gain for baby = major stress for me
Poison Ivy contracted through the bedding since I never set a foot outside. Ick. :(
Mastitis and recurring clogged ducts
Thrush in baby
Gallstones leading to an attack that landed me in the ER the night before my husband's trip away for a 3 day audit (oh, the drama)

Currently, I'm dealing with what I think is a BV infection and still struggling with yeast issues. Ick. I also have this strange sore spot in my mid-abdomen, feeling it strongly when I bend and sit. I can tell my gall bladder is still unhappy with me.

Right now, I'm struggling a bit with just trying to figure out what I can eat. The ER doc referred me to a surgeon to have my gall bladder removed, but I'm not ready for that step right now. However, as I research, I'm feeling so confused. I read so many varying opinions and advice on the correct way to eat and deal with gall stones, I'm not sure what to do. I don't believe I was eating so poorly before so as to have created this issue, but apparantly I was and still am since I'm struggling to find something reasonable to eat.

Admittedly, I've been eating poorly these last few weeks. I've developed a nasty liking for diet soda. I know *that* isn't good and had just started contemplating the negative results of daily intake of my favored Diet Dr. Pepper. I've also been joining my husband in his great love for chips. He would happily enjoy a bag of chips each day and I've been bad about sharing that with him, though not quite daily. ;)  Sigh.  These things certainly could have triggered the stones to flare up, but likely they've been there a long while.

One bright spot is that I strongly suspect that this is the cause of my sleep disturbances in recent years. I've blogged on that before.  When this attack started, I was convinced it was the same sleep issue I've battled. When it grew worse and became unbearably painful, I didn't know what to think. But, now I would not be surprised if what I've felt in the past is a minor attack.  Knowing that is certainly helpful to me. It could also tip me towards the surgery in the future if I can't find a good way to regulate what is going on in my body.

So, I continue to read and try to find some balance between the ER doc's orders of simply avoiding "fried, fatty foods" to the other end of the pendulum where I need to go vegetarian, no nuts, few beans, and pretty much eat cardboard. One irritation with this wonderful tool called "internet" is the complete frustration over having way too much information filling my head. Just wish I knew of a reliable resource that could walk me through this. In my dream world, that would be a doctor I know and trust. Sigh.

Whatever comes of it, I need to make a plan for adding in some kind of exercise and better eating. I'm hoping to get back to 50% raw food on my menu and *at least* getting in a family walk each day. We're currently working on getting into a new routine for choring and school, so I hope that as we get a groove there, I'll find a natural spot in our day to fit in some exercise.

Sorry I'm so intermittent. I'm tired, tired, tired. Longing for more sleep in my life. Longing for a body that doesn't feel like it's falling apart. Longing for some direction.  Longing for results even though I am doing nothing to bring them about. Longing for your prayers, bloggy friends. Any who are still around to offer.

Good Ouch.

I went to bed with tylenol last night. I just knew my feet and calves were not going to let me sleep. ;)

Good, productive day, though.  I admit, I was more than a little stressed and irritable. My children were at that level of excitement that creates the selective hearing no mother enjoys. The girls and I spent 2 hours at Walmart shopping for cleaning supplies while my boys worked with fil on the house. Once we got back, got lunch served, cleaned up, and set up littles with a movie for quiet time in the RV...I was beat!! And I hadn't even worked on the house at ALL. Ugh.

So, I am feeling like a slouch because I'm not doing my share on the work. Yet, just keeping up with normal stuff in the midst of it all is enough.  I'm hoping that once the "newness" of the yard and event wears off, we can have a bit less chaos and a bit more progress made on the cleaning. I did get 2 window sills and two baseboards washed before the littles decided that was all they were doing for the day. Then I proceeded to clean up all the soapy water they left behind. Good memories. ;)

Eating wasn't great yesterday, but it could have been worse. My oldest is already taking on the task of making sure we have the "right" foods on site for the weekend.  She sure is a great asset, that girl. ;)

I can't even describe my joy in walking through this house.  The character, charm, memories it holds, and potential for beauty just overwhelm me sometimes.  That has to be a good thing, but the dear old house is so filthy not many people could see past it.  But, when you know it is a gift given by a Father that LOVES, dirt, peeling paint, nasty carpet and all....you just can't help but rejoice!  It's like he chose to wrap it in all these lovely layers of hard work and togetherness so the unveiling can be as wonderful as the gift itself.  Thank you, dear Father.  Such a gift swells my heart.

Friday February 3, 2012

I. Am. Exhausted.

We went on a great field trip today with some of our dearest friends. We had such a great time.

But, with all that walking and standing and driving, I can barely move. My back is killing me. My legs are sore. My feet are aching. My head is hurting. Just everywhere is ouch.

My morning was off. We were so rushed getting out the door that I completely forgot to test after breakfast. My after lunch number was great, though. My fasting was still a little high. We'll see tomorrow what number I get and if I'll need to up my insulin or not.

I'm having a hard time remembering to test 1 hour after eating since I was used to 2 hours. I'll get it, though. I have to be up super early tomorrow. I so wish I could just go to bed now, but I need to keep myself awake to eat and take my shot. Bah.

Oh, my aching head!

The last two days I've been in fierce pain with a tension-type headache at the base of my head/neck.  I remember getting one of these in my last pregnancy, but it didn't last two full days.  I know I'm fighting some kind of bug, because I've also got some lovely sinus pressure and my throat is sore along with swollen lymph nodes.  Just ouch.

I spent the day resting yesterday, hoping it would give me what I needed to get going today. Not so. I'm down for the day today, too. This really stinks.  I haven't been following my eating plan because it just hurts too much to move and *get* the food to eat. Blah.  And, of course, exercise is out. Well, I did get in some walking last night while we were outside caroling. I needed to keep the littles busy during the second run of carols, so I got something in, I guess.  If it wasn't for the tylenol, I wouldn't have made it, that's for sure.

I hope tomorrow brings some relief.  I'm reading that poor posture is the culprit. Likely they are right. I've been using my resting time to work on christmas gifts, which means I'm keeping my neck in a not so good position.  However, it seems to hurt most after I sleep. I woke up with it feeling the worst both mornings and after my nap this afternoon. Makes me wonder a bit about my sleep positioning.  And, we already know my sleep woes. Sigh.

Pray I can find some relief from the pain so I don't miss worship with my family tomorrow.  Pray I can beat this before it gets worse. I have had fluid in my ears for over a week now, so I know my body is fighting and without my mega doses of vit. c, I'm afraid it's losing. :(

Broken

A couple weeks ago, I broke my pinky toe. Silly, but painful.  That took me out for walking. Just when I was gearing up to get back to my morning mile, my back went out this weekend. As in, bend over and don't get back up. That's what I get for nursing a broken toe, sitting on my backside all week working on the computer, and...well...I don't know. But, it sure is frustrating.

So, here I am, lying flat most of the day. But, I am able to walk now and getting in my mile actually makes my back feel much better. So, I'm likely going to get out there several times a day, hoping it strengthens my core for now. I'm doing some light stretching, per my chiropractor's orders. I'm getting very little sleep, however, so that is making life a little hard. 

Wish I could say I've been eating next to nothing with all this lying flat. Sadly, I've been eating more with all this lying flat. :(  Easy food for the children to make while helping means lots of munchies and not so good eats for the fam. Sigh. One thing and then the next, right?

Tomorrow, I blog, log, and walk at least twice.  Once I'm able, I am most definitely getting back into my ttapp workouts. I have to strengthen my core so I don't ever go through a week (or more!) like this again. Ugh.

I Dream of Sleep

I was planning to write up a post on my ongoing battle with sleep. Since I've been hinting at it and getting some questions, I guess it's time. It's definitely a key factor in this stuggle I've had to lose weight and live healthy.

Way back when I was a teenager, (WAYYYY back...lol) I would have spurts of time where I would wake unable to take deep breaths. I had abdominal cramping, and pain in my back and rib cage.  I typically would move to the couch which gave me some better back support and it would eventually subside. This would happen for one night, maybe a few in a row and then it would go away. It would happen several times a year, but always went away.

We never knew what caused it. I never saw a doc. We figured it was maybe growing pains, and since it went away, nothing was done.

Through my adult years, I continued to have these infrequent "spells".  Eventually, I learned tricks of propping pillows "just so" to avoid the spasms.  The best I could understand what I was feeling was that my diaphragm was pinched or not expanding properly, leaving me gasp for breath.

Near the end of my 6th pregnancy (about 3 years ago now) I started having these night breathing issues every night. I credited it to third trimester woes and waited longingly for baby to come to get some relief. Unfortunately, the relief hasn't come.

Once baby was sleeping through the night, I realized that I was still battling for sleep. I now can get in about 3 and sometimes 4 hours of sleep before I wake with muscular spasms in my rib cage, back and abdominal pain, and reaching for that deep breath. At its worst, I was barely able to move and roll my way out of bed and needed to be vertical for 10 to 15 mintues before I could breathe normally. Currently, I can get from my bed to the recliner and it takes about 5 minutes of purposeful deep breathing to find relief. I can feel my organs or diaphragm or something shifting and making room for breath again. It's quite the experience. And I enjoy it, every night.

I did get some relief last year about half way through my pregnancy. All of a sudden, it was gone. I could sleep a full 8 to 10 hours without pain! What bliss!! And, oh, did I sleep!! I have never slept and enjoyed sleep so much as during that pregnancy. Even the night before my anxiety-ridden induction, I slept like a rock.

Alas, as soon as this baby was sleeping through the night, leaving me the luxury of doing the same, I am back to the same old pattern. Fortunately, this year I am resigned to the reality of it. This is a far better place to be than the terrible depression that I walked through because of this last year. My body was so physically drained that I could not mentally or emotionally cope. Right now, I struggle, but I am able to press on.

So, I currently live on 5 to 6 hours of sleep each night, taken in 3 hour clusters. Half the night in bed, half the night in a recliner. That, of course, doesn't account for times when Baby is fussy, stays up late, wakes up early, toddlers are sick and just normal life stuff happens. Actually, the normal life stuff is totally fine with me. It's part of who I am and what I do. The mystery of why my body doesn't work right, that really drives me batty, as there is no way of seeing an end or solution to the problem.

We bought a new mattress. No help.

I've seen my family doctor, a D.O. He kindly told me I probably have a spasmodic diaphragm that can't be helped. I'll just have to "live with it".  He gave me a diagnosis of "Obese". Sigh.

I've discussed this with my midwife, and, even though very caring and concerned, she was only able to agree that losing weight is probably my best strategy, given her hunch that this is somehow related to sleep apnea.

I went to a different osteopath for several months.  He believes I have overlapping ribs and a twisted diaphragm. He worked on those areas diligently, but I had no relief. I figure that I've had this issue for 20 years or so, probably it will take him a while to fix it. ;-) Unfortunately, our checkbook doesn't have quite that much patience.

So, here I am. Dreaming of a full 8 hours. Some nights I've gotten close, but I wake in terrible pain. I've googled my fingers raw looking for anything that seems to fit my symptoms. I have found others struggling with the same issues, but none have found a resolution.

In a big way, this motivates me to work hard at losing weight. If it could bring me some relief, I am so eager for it! Yet, I'm unsure if it's the secret weapon. I have had this problem all of my life, even when I was at my smallest size which was not overweight. It could be exasperated by my size now, I'm more than willing to agree to that. It could be linked to sleep apnea, which would at least give me a cause and a way to cope. Possibly, once we have work and an income again, I'll be able to have that checked out.

In another way, this is one of my biggest obstacles to losing weight. The lack of sleep will often leave me in that "hazy" feeling that comes in those early newborn days. I often feel like I am in a constant "survival mode", eating what is easiest, falling asleep when I should be awake, and lacking the drive I need to do Good Things.

For now, I work hard when I have the energy to do it. And then, when I hit a week that my body just can't keep up, I rest a bit more. It's the best way I've found to cope while I pray and continue to ask the Lord to lift this burden in whichever way He sees fit.

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10