I Dream of Sleep

I was planning to write up a post on my ongoing battle with sleep. Since I've been hinting at it and getting some questions, I guess it's time. It's definitely a key factor in this stuggle I've had to lose weight and live healthy.

Way back when I was a teenager, (WAYYYY back...lol) I would have spurts of time where I would wake unable to take deep breaths. I had abdominal cramping, and pain in my back and rib cage.  I typically would move to the couch which gave me some better back support and it would eventually subside. This would happen for one night, maybe a few in a row and then it would go away. It would happen several times a year, but always went away.

We never knew what caused it. I never saw a doc. We figured it was maybe growing pains, and since it went away, nothing was done.

Through my adult years, I continued to have these infrequent "spells".  Eventually, I learned tricks of propping pillows "just so" to avoid the spasms.  The best I could understand what I was feeling was that my diaphragm was pinched or not expanding properly, leaving me gasp for breath.

Near the end of my 6th pregnancy (about 3 years ago now) I started having these night breathing issues every night. I credited it to third trimester woes and waited longingly for baby to come to get some relief. Unfortunately, the relief hasn't come.

Once baby was sleeping through the night, I realized that I was still battling for sleep. I now can get in about 3 and sometimes 4 hours of sleep before I wake with muscular spasms in my rib cage, back and abdominal pain, and reaching for that deep breath. At its worst, I was barely able to move and roll my way out of bed and needed to be vertical for 10 to 15 mintues before I could breathe normally. Currently, I can get from my bed to the recliner and it takes about 5 minutes of purposeful deep breathing to find relief. I can feel my organs or diaphragm or something shifting and making room for breath again. It's quite the experience. And I enjoy it, every night.

I did get some relief last year about half way through my pregnancy. All of a sudden, it was gone. I could sleep a full 8 to 10 hours without pain! What bliss!! And, oh, did I sleep!! I have never slept and enjoyed sleep so much as during that pregnancy. Even the night before my anxiety-ridden induction, I slept like a rock.

Alas, as soon as this baby was sleeping through the night, leaving me the luxury of doing the same, I am back to the same old pattern. Fortunately, this year I am resigned to the reality of it. This is a far better place to be than the terrible depression that I walked through because of this last year. My body was so physically drained that I could not mentally or emotionally cope. Right now, I struggle, but I am able to press on.

So, I currently live on 5 to 6 hours of sleep each night, taken in 3 hour clusters. Half the night in bed, half the night in a recliner. That, of course, doesn't account for times when Baby is fussy, stays up late, wakes up early, toddlers are sick and just normal life stuff happens. Actually, the normal life stuff is totally fine with me. It's part of who I am and what I do. The mystery of why my body doesn't work right, that really drives me batty, as there is no way of seeing an end or solution to the problem.

We bought a new mattress. No help.

I've seen my family doctor, a D.O. He kindly told me I probably have a spasmodic diaphragm that can't be helped. I'll just have to "live with it".  He gave me a diagnosis of "Obese". Sigh.

I've discussed this with my midwife, and, even though very caring and concerned, she was only able to agree that losing weight is probably my best strategy, given her hunch that this is somehow related to sleep apnea.

I went to a different osteopath for several months.  He believes I have overlapping ribs and a twisted diaphragm. He worked on those areas diligently, but I had no relief. I figure that I've had this issue for 20 years or so, probably it will take him a while to fix it. ;-) Unfortunately, our checkbook doesn't have quite that much patience.

So, here I am. Dreaming of a full 8 hours. Some nights I've gotten close, but I wake in terrible pain. I've googled my fingers raw looking for anything that seems to fit my symptoms. I have found others struggling with the same issues, but none have found a resolution.

In a big way, this motivates me to work hard at losing weight. If it could bring me some relief, I am so eager for it! Yet, I'm unsure if it's the secret weapon. I have had this problem all of my life, even when I was at my smallest size which was not overweight. It could be exasperated by my size now, I'm more than willing to agree to that. It could be linked to sleep apnea, which would at least give me a cause and a way to cope. Possibly, once we have work and an income again, I'll be able to have that checked out.

In another way, this is one of my biggest obstacles to losing weight. The lack of sleep will often leave me in that "hazy" feeling that comes in those early newborn days. I often feel like I am in a constant "survival mode", eating what is easiest, falling asleep when I should be awake, and lacking the drive I need to do Good Things.

For now, I work hard when I have the energy to do it. And then, when I hit a week that my body just can't keep up, I rest a bit more. It's the best way I've found to cope while I pray and continue to ask the Lord to lift this burden in whichever way He sees fit.

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10