What If?

Journal Entry: February 21, 2011

"As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves in all your behavior; because it is written, 'You shall be Holy, for I am Holy.'" 1 Peter 1:13-14

I've been quite frustrated that my efforts at losing weight have not met with the results that I read they should. According to the information out there and the reports of my tracking, I should be having great success in meeting my goals.

Lord, I went into this confident that I could "do it right". That I would discipline myself and it would work. The perfectionist in me wants to scream.

I realize that by being overweight, I feel a disdain for myself. I feel like a failure. Living with the results of my ignorance of the flesh, my lifetime of sinful indulgences - it's painful. You have forgiven me. I am FREE! And I want it to show. Everytime I make a right choice, when I resist a bad one, I want it to be evident in my physical stature. I want to see the good from doing good. And I want others to know as well, so they don't see me and think I am still what I once was.

It's all tied up in me, isn't it? I am so concerned about how I feel about myself. I am so aware of how others view me and my body. I continue to seek the glory in this time and again. I'm so hung up.

Lord, if I never lose another pound, will I still praise You? If I stay this size for the rest of my life, will I remain faithful to a holy life? You have commanded me to not be conformed to the former lusts of my ignorance. You have commanded me to be holy in ALL of my behavior. Will I obey these commands even if my body doesn't change? If I never see that magic number on the scale? Will I walk this path for Your glory rather than my own?

This, again, I must remind myself, is not about me losing weight to become a smaller size. It's not even about me being in perfect health so I can do more for You. This is about me being and doing what You have called me to today--right now. Making right choices right now with my eyes fixed on Your glory right now--not when I've met a goal, dropped a size, or posted a great "after" picture for the world to praise You (and me...::blush::) 

You must recieve glory everytime I break a habit, resist a temptation, and do a hard thing to honor You. And no one else may see it, yet You do. You see my heart and these things are my acts of worship--private worship to You.

Show me. Strengthen me to be holy as You are holy.