They are everywhere. They walk among us and they are
barmy, or indiscreet, or just plain stupid. They lie and cheat and steal and
embezzle. They provoke conflict and cover up sleaze (Whatever that means; there’s
yet another word that has changed its meaning during my lifetime.) They make promises
they subsequently deny or quietly forget. They make decisions without merit for
tactical gain. They make confessions and apology which are legally neither. Can
you tell who I’m talking about yet?
Yep. Not a week goes by without yet another example of
the simple humanity of politicians. By humanity, I mean failings. From the
expenses scandals, influence for sale and colossal waste of national funds to
the bizarre ‘and finally’ examples of local councillors deranged enough to
believe in biblical reckonings and alien abduction. And watching the wriggling
of the LibDems trying to distance themselves from the man who many credit with
their recent temporary stint on the government benches is too farcical for mere
words. Before any Labourites start to ‘smug-up’ I’d just add… the ‘Reverend’ Paul
Flowers.
It’s not just members of Parliament though; we also have
to consider those who vote for them. Most of us are insufficiently savvy to
make good choices. We are swayed by sentiment and tradition and fooled by fine
words. Our memories are short, our instincts partisan and our intellects inadequate
to grasp the difference between electoral ploy and credible doctrine. It’s just
not good enough, which is why I bring you the politician of the future:
Tomorrow’s MPs will be made in identical moulds, mass-produced
to order and programmed to suit their party allocation. They will have no past
life to research and rubbish, no skeletons to uncover and the only closets they
will be capable of coming out of will be the ones they are stored in between
duties in the house. Given that MPs stopped representing local people quite some
years ago, constituencies will be abolished and a true proportional
representation system will be introduced.
Following a thorough census the cultural programming of
the 647 new members – a prime number to prevent neat carving up of the vote –
will match that of the eligible electorate as closely as possible, with
extremes being filtered out of the mix. Thus there will be many more cloth caps
and many fewer Oxbridge PPE graduates… and virtually zero climate change
nutters and green activists. Accents will be a happy neutral, to prevent
pre-judging the efficacy of policy on class or regional grounds.
Of course, PMQs will lose its bear-baiting character and members
will defend policy on facts alone, but on the positive side voting will become
a matter of pragmatism and not mere party allegiance or in return for favours.
Given that the allocation of seats will depend purely on the overall numbers no
individual member will have a seat to defend and as they wear out they can
simply be replaced with a newer model.
Cabinet Photograph - 2020
Of course, politics will become efficient, routine and boring
but, as we’ve shown we dislike anything that could be mistaken for personality
in our MPs, that may be no bad thing. There will be no touching, no affairs, no
back-handers, no directorships, no elevation to Lords – the Upper House will be
unnecessary . It will be democracy in action and power to the people… and freedom
for Tooting, no doubt. And best of all, should an MP go rogue he will simply be scooped up
and melted down for scrap.
