Bully For You

My, wasn’t Papa Jeremy angry yesterday? It is all the fault of those evil Tories but, mark my words, The Dear Leader has all the answers. And he knows how to deliver them, properly punctuated by table thumping, pointing and clearly enunciating how Labour will reverse the cruel austerity of the last hundred years of Tory rule. Yes, comrades, the facts are with us.

During Tory austerity over a billion people have died, the world has heated up so far that giant lizards stalk the land and plague and pestilence are only kept at bay by the last few remaining front-line nurses of the NHS, who are bravely resisting all the filthy capitalist money being thrown at them by the Thatchers in greater quantities than ever before, diluting its polluting influence by siphoning it off to management.

What we need, my dear fellow revolutionaries, is to use the enemy’s tactics against the enemy itself. Stamping on babies’ heads, literally taking food from the mouths of the homeless and labelling people from other lands as foreigners is hideous Toryism, but we must not shrink from the fray. Our people – the most disadvantaged in society – must be protected from the horrors of capitalism and until everybody is equal we will not rest.

See that fat cat employer on 85,000 ugly capitalist pounds a year? That bastard who had the gall to re-mortgage his home to start a business and employ people on LESS THAN HE EARNS? We will tax him until he begs for mercy. See that ugly, towering tall person, the one with the temerity to look down on shorter people? We will cut him down to size. See that disgusting, obese, indolent, slobbering... oh, wait, that’s one of ours; as you were.

Those inventors? They didn’t invent that; we did. That captain of industry? He didn’t turn around that ailing business; we did. Rooney? Those goals were scored by us, the proletariat, society. The Thatchers say there is no such thing as society – or at least we keep telling you that they say that – but we know that society is ALL we have. And we must each give our all to society so that we can work together to defeat the monstrous influence of capitalism which has flooded the world with wealth and brought ruin to all who acquire it.

Turn away from the gold, brothers and sisters, eschew the trappings of success and instead revel in our enlightening equality. Under the glorious new socialist project led by the People’s Revolutionary Action Task-force for Society (P.R.A.T.S) – a whole bunch of them – we will educate and mould all individuals until they blend indistinguishably from one another into one unified, obedient mass.

Glorious Socialism!

We are not afraid of the challenge ahead – we will use all means necessary to bring about harmonious conformity. There will be no dissent, no upraised voices; enemies of the state will be dealt with swiftly and finally. This time, socialism will work... if it is the last thing you do. What’s that? Well, of course the leader is different; he genuinely is more equal than the rest of us. Now, shut up and sing The Red Flag.

Misery loves company

So, a great day out was had by all. The attendees at Labour Live clapped and danced and changed the world. The gurning totems of Corbyn, McDonnell, McCluskey and their puppets and cheerleaders told their tales of a future of equality and opportunity and wealth for all. And why not let them dream, eh? Even though thousands of years of recorded human history demonstrate that humans, just like most other animals, naturally form into groups of the many led by the few and are rewarded accordingly; twas, literally, ever thus.

Life is pretty good for most of us in the west. For every downtrodden, dejected loser in life’s lottery there are a thousand, ten thousand, who have little to fear. We eat better, work less, live longer and are entertained in ways which could not even have been contemplated even fifty years ago. So why are we never happy? Or, more pertinently, why do movements like Labour want to portray us as miserable, in every sense of the word?

It’s ALL Project Fear, isn’t it? You might be happy now, but what about after Brexit? The Tories/far-right/elites/pan-global conspiracists will creep into your lives and steal away your freedom/security/ livelihood/children if you take your eye off the ball. And who will protect you? This seems to be the ethos of the left-inclined; you are all children and you must be protected from your own gullibility. And what

A capitalist job with prospects? It’s a trap; here take one of the nicer jobs we made up. Science and technology based education? Too difficult; we have lovely foreigners to do all that for you. You put your feet up and go for ‘life sciences’; the portfolio of disciplines where nebulous opinions rank just as high as demonstrable facts. And even higher if your opinions are the right ones. Critical thought is a tool of the right and will enslave you in a world where you have to stand on your own two feet and pursue your own happiness. Don’t fall for it.

But from whence comes such great wisdom? Turns out, that all you need to qualify for engagement in the world of politics is a self-declaration of your allegiances and your competence is assumed. That and the assistance of a political dynasty – a little nepotism goes a long, long way – and you’re in. Pull up a chair, join the talking shop, persuade others of the veracity of your theories and brainwash yourself to become a cog in the machine.

Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy?

We are all parts of the world machine, but some of us are working parts while others exist more for appearances. Do you want a vacuum cleaner that actually sucks, or one that looks pretty... and sucks? This is your choice: a world of hardship and toil, but rewards for all that hard work and pride in achievement. Or do you want a world of supposed ‘equality’ and ‘diversity’ and a lot of back-slapping pretence that prosperity for all is just around the corner? In short, do you want the red pill or the blue?

After the ball was over

Transcript: Victim Interview

Sergeant Copper: For the tape, my name is Sergeant Copper. Also present are Elspeth Socialworker and  representing Miss Young-Person is her solicitor Gloria Law. [pause, shuffling of papers, scuffing of chairs]

Now, Miss Young-Person, can you tell us, in your own words, why you are here today?

Young-Person: I want to give a statement. I want to tell my story. [pause] He promised me sweets if I went with him.

SC: Sweets?

Y-P: Yes. I like sweets

SC: Did he say what kind of sweets?

Y-P: No. He just promised me that there would be sweets; whatever I wanted.

SC: Did you take the sweets?

Y-P: No, because [pause, sobbing] well, I never saw the sweets. I mean, he sounded perfectly plausible. You know... whatever type of sweet I said I liked he said I could have. If I wanted mints he said he would get me mints. If I wanted toffees, then toffees I would have, he told me. But I never saw any toffees... or mints.

SC: I see. Did he ask you to do anything in return for these sweets? Anything for him?

Y-P: I don’t know, really. I mean, he didn’t ask us to actually, you know, do anything. Not as such. I think he just wanted us to love him. He smelled funny. Like camphor, or something.

SC: Us?

Y-P: Yes. At first I thought it might just be me; maybe I was... chosen. He made me feel special, you know, like a kind old grandad. And although he seemed a little lonely, as if he really needed me, he made me think it was all about me and that the world was there just for my benefit. He told me that no matter what I wanted, he would make it happen.

Gloria Law: It is. It is your human right that whatsoever your heart desires, you shall have it. Because it is your irrevocable human right to be happy and successful.

Y-P: Yes, but I thought he meant only me. He spoke directly to me, from my smart phone... at least, I thought he did. But then, when I went to meet him, I discovered I wasn’t the only one at all. There were thousands just like me.

Sergeant Copper: And what happened, when you met the others?

Y-P: Well, they were all very nice. All like me; just like me, in fact. They all had a sort of ‘glow’ about them, as if they – we – had all been drugged, or enchanted or something. I felt like I had no option but to do what everybody else did. I didn’t feel special so much then, more like we were all the same. I wasn’t sure I liked it, but I felt I had to play along because...

SC: Because, what?

Y-P: He held us in a sort of trance. It felt like we all knew the words to the song and if we tried to sing different words... well, it didn’t feel like an option I dared to try. You know, I sort of felt that even if I didn’t agree with what he was saying, I still had to sing the correct words, or else... I don’t know. We just all sang along, whatever we were feeling inside.

SC: You had to sing?

Y-P: He made us chant his name.

SC: Oh?

Y-P: [sings] Jeremy Corbyn...

Jeremy... not as other children.

Elspeth Socialworker: Well, you are safe now. Your parents are coming to pick you up after this interview. But we need you to do one last thing, before you go. Sergeant?

[indistinct noises. A box is placed on the table: video evidence accompanies this transcript]

Sergeant Copper: Miss Young-Person, using the doll, would you show us exactly where he touched you?