Buzzfeed’s leaked intelligence that the CIA have actual
video of Michelle Obama fellating a horse while Donald Trump pleasures a donkey
with Barry looking on, masturbating into Tony Blair’s opened and gently
steaming skull, may not be verified by anybody actually seeing said tape, but this
hasn’t stopped YouTube from pre-banning it. No fake news for the popular online
vloggers; everything you see is exactly as it happened.
Most news is fake news – have you ever read a report on a
subject you know a great deal about and found sheer bollocks in every paragraph?
Well why should it be any different when it’s politics, or war, or celebrity
shenanigans; Kim Kardashian’s arse alone has its own team of reporters working
round the clock to bring you untruths you never even realised you needed to
know. How in the world is the average Joe to tell what’s real? Although
celebrities have their own special world affairs advisors to keeps them
informed; this is why Lily Allen, Meryl Streep and the Cumberdumbers are so
well-informed.
If yesterday’s press junket with The Donald was a glimpse
of things to come – I do hope they call
them ‘Press Trumpets’ from now on – we are in for a world of confusion; the Trump
train is going to be a whole lot of fun in 2017. ‘It is reported’ has replaced
the authoritative statement of fact when announcing news, along with ‘unconfirmed
speculation’ and ‘alleged’. In an age when everybody has the ability to record
and broadcast events as they happen you would imagine we ought to be getting
closer to the truth, not further away.
Even the BBC were dismissed yesterday as ‘another beauty’
alongside children’s news channel Buzzfeed, the entire Fox network and Citizens
Naughty News, as Trump ushered in a whole new era. Want to know the next big
thing in news coverage? Well, much like the partisan readership of newspapers,
broadcast news is known for its bias, so the natural development is to allow viewers
and listeners to contribute their own facts to the story. Already, tweeted
comments are often ticker-taped across current affairs reportage; why not let @AngryAngus
edit the content as well?
You can already download an app to your smart phone which
searches for the latest bulletins and automatically edits them so as to appeal
to your interests and allegiances. Thus an unconfirmed allegation that a famous
footballer has been involved in a hotel-room ‘romp’ can be variously be presented
as a harmless bit of fun, the worst excesses of pampered wealth, a grave
career-threatening error of judgement, or an impending court case. The app also
allows you to vote for your favourite version and then compiles and issues a
verdict. The errant striker can then be variously applauded, shamed, or issued
a court summons within minutes of the original event. Isn’t technology
wonderful?
Extra! Extra! Write all about it!
They have called this the post-truth, post-factual age,
an era when nothing you see or hear or read can be relied on. Facts ain’t what
they used to be and truth is what you make it. Instead of presenting said facts
and allowing you to draw your own conclusions – a process far too rigorous and
effort-heavy all round – it is so much easier, cheaper and faster for you just
to turn to a source which supports your unshakeable prejudices and leave the cumbersome
facts for history to assemble once the verdict is in. You read it here first...
