crumbs and chats

We spent the whole day at Stock Gap yesterday.  It was good for my heart.  Yesterday would have been my parents 31st anniversary.  I don't know that anyone thought of it except that I mentioned it to my sister in a whisper.  I don't suppose it should have even been mentioned anyway but still...it was interesting.  I feel so at peace and even happy for how things turned out for my parents.  I feel at peace with their new lives and how we all fit together in one crazy blended family now.  They are both remarried to great matches and my sister and I have come to accept and love them as have our husbands and children, although they never knew anything different. 

After the divorce some relationship dynamics changed for a while and I'm coming to terms with the fact that that's ok.  It's hard for families to split apart and then to find how they fit back together and where everyone lands and how.  I suppose it's like shaking up a bottle of soda, everything bubbles and is crazy for a bit and then it eventually settles down and you can see clearly again.

I've been praying for that clarity so often and I'm so grateful for the bits that come to me in time.

Yesterday after a big meal everyone scattered to do different things while mom and I had some time to ourselves to clean the kitchen.  I don't know why in sharing that mundane task and exchanging conversation amidst it all I felt like a piece of my heart flew back and a crack was filled.  After I mentioned that we won't all fit around the dining room table much longer I was listening to her tell me about how a long time ago Grandmother Virginia Shepherd offered her a huge table that sat 14 or 16 and that she is now sad she didn't take it. I felt happy hearing her share that simple story.  I walked around collecting crumbs and and clearing the table and it just felt good to be two women at work.  A mother and a daughter doing something that mothers and daughters have done millions of times together.  I'm not quite sure why yet, but I cherished it.  I'm grateful for her wisdom and her experience and I want to learn from it.  

The rest of our time was filled with crying babies, happy messy dirty children, and sporadic conversation mingled with requests from toddlers and kids.  It was good for me, so good.

perspective

I could tell you that the past two weeks have been so hard.  I could tell you that we have been dealing with a lot around here. I could say that I have barely had any time to actually focus on our new house and make it feel like a home because work has been such a burden.  I could tell you we didn't have water for two weeks and we had to bum off of other people's showers and toilets.  I could tell you that the minute the city finally did turn on our water that the valves that go to the laundry upstairs were not turned off and that water spewed out gallons per second flooding our upstairs hallway.  It leaked down in to our living room and dripped on to the floor.  I could tell you that Evaleigh has completely been off of her nap schedule and I am exhausted. I could tell you that John and I have been sick and have felt yucky for the past few days. I could tell you that lately I have felt a little bit like a failure. 

OR

I could tell you that being in our new home feels like we are newlyweds again.  I could tell you that we are giddy with excitement that we have a new place of our own and that we are proud of it even with all of its bumps and bruises and leaks.  I could tell you that I have wonderful jobs and I am so thankful to have work.  I could tell you that since moving back to Atlanta we have gotten to see so much more of the people we love (thanks for letting us use your shower and toilets Dad and Lisa!)  I could tell you that an incredible thing happened and I am so blessed that I listened to the promptings of the Holy Ghost.  I was moments from taking Evaleigh on a walk and we would have been gone an hour.  Instead I had a feeling I should linger around the house a few more minutes.  In that time I heard a loud gushing sound coming from upstairs...I found water EVERYWHERE.  Thank GOD I caught it and turned it off in time, I feel so much gratitude for that.  I could tell you that i have been getting to play with Evaleigh a lot more lately because she has been awake more than usual. I could tell you that because of John's sickness I have gotten to snuggle him more and take care of him, and that makes me feel good.  I could tell you that I am grateful for experiences that reaffirm to me my self worth.

I prefer to look at my life the second way.

I am blessed, I am happy, and I am positive.