avett's birth story- part two

(part one here)

Dr. Dott came in and sat down on the end on the bed and broke my water.  Maybe this is weird but I loved the way it felt.  The water was the most wonderful warm temperature and it felt comforting.  There was a sense of release of pressure and with every contraction more water flowed out.  Dr. Dott said he would monitor my contractions for the next 15-20 minutes to see if things would start moving along.  The contractions started coming immediately.  Cindy asked me if I had received the Northside gift yet.  At that point I thought it was some sort of baby goody bag...diapers, samples of formula and what not.  Nope.  It was an enema.  I did not want that gift, but lucky for me what ensued in the following 5 minutes made Cindy think Avett was about to walk out of me so...no gift.

Cindy suggested that I go empty my bladder so I did.  But first she hooked me up to the telemetry monitors so I could move around and labor however I needed.  As soon as I sat down on the toilet the contractions started coming very strong. So much so that I had to ooh and ahh pretty loudly to get through them.  For a moment the sensations of the contractions were so intense I thought, "Oh my gosh, my baby might be born on a toilet."  I couldn't let that be Avetts story so  I knew I wanted to get back to the bed as soon as possible.  As soon as I could muster the strength I walked back to the bed and got in to the position that I would stay in for most of the rest of my labor.  Sitting up in the bed with pillows behind my back and my legs in the butterfly position felt the best, this position was my sanctuary.  I came prepapred to labor on the ball, walking, on all fours, pretty much whatever it took but nothing felt as good as sitting right there in that bed and concentrating through each contraction.  At one point I even tried to do the 'labor dance' with my arms around John's neck.  I just about ripped his shirt.  I was most calm when I could sit and close my eyes and think about relaxing breaths.

I prepared for the birth by using essential oils and listening to hypno birthing tracks.  I had a friend send me Doterra's Whisper oil and it helped me through the first few hours of labor.  For the last two months of my pregnancy I would dab the oil behind my ears and right under my nose and I would listen to the tracks during Evaleighs nap time.  It was so helpful to relate that smell with the deep relaxation I was able to feel during that time.  So, during my labor I started with the oil under my nose and on my chest and it helped me breathe deeply down in to the contractions.  It helped me to get in to a zone and I was able to concentrate on the smell as I inhaled and that was what my mind focused on more than the pain from the contractions.  In the beginning of labor I would close my eyes and just be silent during the contractions, Cindy could read just what I needed and always respected the silence that I needed during those times.  Towards the end there were a couple of contractions that I could hear her praying me through them. She would always remind me to keep relaxing and to breathe slowly. 

Most of the time when a contraction would come I would either want to hold John and Cindy's hands and squeeze them.  A few hours in to labor I started tickling johns hand or massaging it through the contractions.  Those contractions weren't nearly as painful as when I would tense and squeeze the life out of johns hand.  As long as I focused on staying relaxed things were bearable.

Time was such a funny thing during labor.  Every once in a while I would open my eyes and glance at the clock but the minutes and hours felt the same.  John would come to my side, Cindy would feed me some ice chips, Dr. Dott would come in and check on me.  John was right by my side at the first sound of any little noise I made.  He was so patient with my requests.  For a few contractions he would look at the monitor and tell me as the contraction climbed and then descended.  At one point I said (probably very rudely) ,"Don't tell me when they are starting, I only want to know when they start coming down!"  There were times I would want to hold his hand and then as soon as we touched I couldn't stand it and I would tell him not to touch me.  Another time as I was in transition I grabbed a blanket from behind my head and threw it across the room.  He just looked in to my eyes and told me I could continue on and that I was doing a great job.  The truth is I didn't know what I wanted.  My body took over and it was like a train going down a hill with no breaks.  Everything was forging ahead powerfully and all I could do was take the ride.

Dr. Dott was such an empowering influence during the labor.  He would walk in and tell me, "I am so impressed by you, you are doing such great job." Or "You are going to make it, you can do this."  I felt so supported knowing that he believed in my ability to have a completely natural birth.  He would massage my clavicle and tell me to breath and his presence was so calming and encouraging.  At one point I was overcome with the emotion of the labor and I told him I loved him.  He just looked at me and said, "You are just another one of my daughters."

As my labor progressed I turned on my hypno birthing tracks I had practiced with and the difference between the contractions I had with the track on was so different than when I didn't have it playing.  I loved being reminded to enjoy the time in between contractions and use that time to rest.  I craved that moment.  I was so grateful to have those as I neared transition. 

I remembered being checked at one point and being at 8cm, I don't know what time it was.  Then all of the sudden the contractions started to get more intense than I had ever felt them.  I know I must have looked desperate. I stared in to John's eyes and told him I couldn't do it anymore and on the surface I really thought I couldn't.  But as I said that out loud in my mind and soul I knew I could.  Somewhere inside of me was a place I had never been before but I knew that I had more strength there.  

Dr. Dott came in and checked me and looked up and said, "Let's just try a few practice pushes."  I looked to John and wondered if this was it because only what felt like minutes before Dr. Dott said that I probably had another hour or two.  He had me hold my legs up and taught me to breath in blow out, breathe in blow out, breathe in...hold...and push.  As I did this he was telling John about a nerve that runs down my leg that he should rub.  He said it was connected to the uterus and would help make me feel better.  He also told me that the painful parts were over and that most of what I would feel now was a lot of pressure. The first time I pushed he looked at me and said with a smile, "You just moved your baby's head two inches down the birth canal!" I felt so empowered and pushing felt great! After a couple more pushes he got a phone call and took it outside.  I looked at John and Cindy and said, "I have to push right now!"  Cindy left and went to the hall to get Dr. Dott.  I looked to John and again told him I have to push right now! So I did a little. And a little bit more.  Cindy comes in to the room and Dr. Dott follows quickly behind and sure enough Avett is coming.  Then Cindy asks me, "Do you want the mirror?"  I politely decline and she gives me a stern look and says, "You WANT the mirror."  I had never planned on using it and quite frankly was a little scared of it but we were in it now.  It didn't get more real than that moment. So she rolled it over and there was everything.  I had a quick moment of, "whoa that's a whole lotta me staring back." But then it passed quickly because with the next push there was Avetts head!  It was the most encouraging thing to finally see him, I could see my little boy and I wanted to meet him and hold him so bad.  At that point nurses and the nursery team started rushing in and preparing everything for his arrival.  The energy in the room changed.  Dr. Dott turned around and said loudly but calmly,  "Stop talking, this is a place of peace and calmness."  He was protecting my birthing atmosphere and brought the peace back to the room.  He sat right on the bed with me and in the dim lights of that room and with my next couple of pushes at 3:23pm I brought Avett in to the world.  He cried and John cut the cord.  Dr. Dott look at John and said, "Present your son to the world." So John picked him up off of the bed laid him on my chest.  He was the most wonderful warm temperature and I couldn't stop saying how beautiful he was! A few tears brimmed my eyes and they took him over to clean him off.  I looked at Dr. Dott and kept saying, "I can't believe I just did that! That was amazing! The most incredible thing I've ever done!"  

He finished stitching me up because after all I did push a 10 pound 3 ounce baby out of my body (thank goodness for a little lidocaine shot!).  No major damage done.  I would do it a thousand more times.  Birthing Avett was one of the most sacred and incredible events of my life.  The births of my children are special to me in different ways and are the best days of my life along side the day I married John.   I'm so grateful that I listened to my heart that kept telling me to try for a VBAC.  I am so grateful that my body did what it was made to do and what I always knew it was capable of doing.  I love being a woman and having the opportunity to experience the miracle of birth.  We love our son so much.

avetts birth story- part one

Thursday October 17th I had my 41 week and 5 day doctors appointment.  We were going biweekly for non stress tests and biophysical exams to make sure that Avett and I were both still doing well.  The doctor determined that everything was perfect.  My placenta wasn't ageing, I still had plenty of amniotic fluid, and Avetts heartrate was fluctuating and responding perfectly to stimulus.  Dr. Dott checked me and said I was dilated 5cm and was 100% effaced and that my water bag was paper thin.  He said,  "I have no idea why you haven't gone in to labor, this baby is hanging on by a thread."  He then said "We have two options you can give up now and have a csection or we can trust your body and keep waiting."  I immediately said sternly that I was not going to give up.  I knew he wasn't pressuring me for the csection though. Dr. Dott is such a gem of a doctor.  To deliver NUVBAC at Northside is like the unicorn of births and I knew Dr. Dott was determined to help me do it and was such an advocate for VBAC's.  I had waited this long what was a few more days.  I mean clearly he couldn't stay in there forever.  So even though I was 12 days over my EDD and I was so anxious to meet my boy we went back to the waiting game.  

John was concerned to leave me alone that day considering that I was a walking ticking time bomb.  So my mother came over and we spent the day shopping and walking around with Evie.  That night John and I put Evie down for bed and after an episode of The Cosby's and some bouncing on the ball we went to sleep around 10.  I woke up to the sound of Evie crying at 1am. I went in to her room and calmed her down and stayed in the chair in the nursey until she fell asleep.  As soon as I sat down I started having contractions.  They weren't strong but I knew they were very different from the Braxton Hicks I had been feeling each day.  Since I had my phone with me I started timing them and they were coming about every 6 minutes.  I sat there for about 40 minutes feeling them come and go and then decided to take a shower.  When I got out they had slowed down but considering that just earlier that day the doctor said I was at a 5 and I would probably be one of those women who go in to labor and then give birth under a bridge on the way to the hospital, I decided it was go time.  I stood at the edge of the bed and called out John's name.  He woke immediately and I said, "I think it's time."  He popped up and started asking me all sorts of questions and running around wanting to make sure everything was ready.  About that time Evie cried again and he went in to sit with her.  We texted back and forth until she fell asleep again.  During that time I called my mom and let her know we decided to go in to the hospital and that we needed her to come be with Evie.  John showered and packed the car and we waited for mom.  She got there about 40 minutes later and we stood in the cold parking lot and said a prayer in the dark and quiet 3am night.

John and I headed out to the hospital and the roads were so clear and it was so peaceful.  My contractions were still irregular.  He dropped me off at the labor and delivery entrance and on my way in I had my first contraction where I had to stop walking and hold on to the railing.  We got checked in and they took us to our room.  By this time it was 3:30am and my contractions were ranging from 12 minutes to 6 minutes apart. They decided to admit us and let me labor through the night and Dr. Dott would come see me in the morning.  I was able to sleep some, only being awakend by nurses coming in for vitals and contractions.  

Around 7 the nursing shifts changed and one of the most incredible things happened, we met Cindy.  How do I even begin to describe Cindy, I couldn't have done it without her positive spirit and encouragement and ability to read exactly what my body needed.  She is a 74 year old black midwife from St. Martin in the Carribean islands.  She studied midwifery in Liverpool, England and then went on to practice in Ireland, Canada, New York, and has been here in Atlanta for 24 years.  She walked in to our room and said in her beautiful Carribean/English accent, "This room needs an aroma."  She took out a bottle of lavender oil and put it on some gauze and laid it on my pillow.  I told her I had brought some of my own oils for the birth as well and she said, "Well get them and let me rub them on your feet."  I looked at John wide eyed and we both knew that she was made for us.  That morning before we left for the hospital we prayed for the nurse who would be working with us. I knew that trying for a Natural Unmedicated Vaginal Birth After a C-section would require a supportive staff.  We asked that we would have someone who would be understanding and encouraging of our desire for a VBAC.  I told Cindy immediately that she was made for us and how grateful I was that it was her who was with us.  She held my hand with her old hands, they were so cold and felt so good on my hott skin, she said, "I want you to know that this morning when I woke up I prayed for the body that I would be helping and it was you."  I was in awe that this was who was there to help with Avetts delivery.  In that moment I felt that I understood a part of why Avett had to come when he did.  Everytime she would leave the room John and I would smile so big and look at each other in such disbelief that we were so lucky to receive such a nurse like her.  She was full of stories of past deliveries and I loved hearing every single one. Her voice was so soothing.  She ended up refusing to take on another patient that day and she was in the room with us the whole time.  She was like my own doula. She would hold my hand through the contractions and talk to me about my breathing. She had such a calming effect on me and I knew she was sent straight from God.

By 8:00 Dr. Dott came in and he said we could let me labor through the day and see what happens or he could break my water.  Well I had nearly been pregnant for 10 months, 41 weeks and 5 days let me remind you, and it was time.  I could feel that Avett was ready and the spirit confirmed it to my heart as I said out loud that I wanted him to break my water.  I looked to John for confirmation that he felt good about it too and we both knew it was the right thing.  So at 8:30am it all began!

the day we gained new names- part 2

part 1 here

********

Soon after I got back in to the room the anesthesiologist came in with an army of people behind her.  (Truly it was probably only 2 more people but when your 'lady business' is out there and you are slightly in zee nude, any more than 1 feels like an army.)  I wish I could remember that woman's name because she was so gentle and made the entire process a whole lot less scary than what I had anticipated.  I don't know why people like to regale horror birth stories to you when you are pregnant, but I had heard some of the worst about c section births and epidurals. 

My experience was the complete opposite.

My angel anesthesiologist talked me through every single thing she was doing.  She put a local anesthetic on my lower back while she inserted in the epidural needle in to my spine.  Honestly it wasn't painful in the slightest.  There was only the smallest pinch, getting the IV was much worse than the epidural.  Then she began to put the medicine in to the epidural and told me I would experience some mild cramping in my hips as it went in.  I had none.  There was maybe a bit of tightening but I wouldn't have characterized it as cramping.  The whole time I was breathing in and out as deeply as I could.  It helped.

John held my hand through the whole process.  His big hand enveloped mine and I squeezed it as hard as I could just so I could feel closer to him in the last moments before our lives would change forever.  I felt so peaceful with him by my side.  At that moment they could have done anything to me and I wouldn't have cared.  Evaleigh and John were the only things on my mind.  The anticipation of KNOWING we would meet our daughter in a matter of minutes was heaven.  

After they finished with everything they rolled me back on to my side.  At that point the numbness was trickling down my legs.  All of the sudden things felt heavy.  A man came to me with a cold ice pack and put it against my arm.  "Do you feel how cold that is?  I'm going to start down near your pelvis and move the cold upwards and I want you to tell me when you can feel the cold again."  It was a fun game, but not a game I would ever cheat at.  The very moment I felt the slightest cold, I made it known.  He would come back every few minutes and we would play that game again.  While I was waiting to numb up I remember the nurse telling John a couple times, "Mr. Murphy you don't have to put on your OR clothes yet."  I think he was nervous about when to put them on, it was pretty darn cute. When I couldn't even tell the man was touching me with the ice pack anymore, it was time to go to the operating room.  They wheeled me out of pre-op and down the mile long hallway.  The hallway lights above me were passing so fast.

We arrived at the operating room and my heart felt so warm.  I felt like I was almost in a dream-like state because of how happy I was about what was about to happen.  There were over a dozen people in the room buzzing about shouting orders.  There were so many things happening all at once it was hard to keep up.  They transferred me on to the operating table by some sort of blow up mattress thing, I actually enjoyed the ride.  A big black guy said in a happy booming voice, "Girl, looks like you enjoyed that ride.  Its nice to see someone happy about this for once.  Looks like your baby is going to have a nice smile too!"  I felt pumped.  All I could think was, "LET'S DO THIS!!!"  John came in to the room in his blue OR clothes and they put the sheet up in front of my face so I couldn't see anything.  Time felt like it was passing so quickly.

John took my hand and I said to Dr. Sun, whom I LOVE, "Tell me when you start!"  She replied, "We actually started about two minutes ago."  That was a shocking moment.  I looked up at the nurse standing above me.  He had his hands on my shoulders and was looking over the sheet and then I noticed....the reflection in his glasses.  I could see my doctor cutting my body open!  I had a very quick internal battle, to watch or not to watch.  When red was mostly what I saw, my sissy self won.  I looked over at my sweet John who was looking back and forth between me and where our baby would be born.  


His beautiful brown eyes were such a comfort to me.  He whispered to me, "You're doing great!"  Little did I know he was watching the nurses play tug of war with the sides of my stomach to get EJ out.  He said the moment they cut my uterus open both of her little feet popped out right away.  There was no doubt about it, she was a breech baby.


I heard the nurses mumbling something about who was going to sing soprano, alto, tenor, and bass.  I thought maybe it was the anesthesia talking.  Then the most glorious thing happened, Dr. Sun said, 


"Somebody call it!"  


"1:19!"   


"Uh one-two-three...Happy Birthday to you...."


The whole hospital staff surrounded me and Evaleigh and began a beautifully sung rendition of "Happy Birthday" mingled with cries of my newborn baby.  She came in to the world surrounded by singing, it was so fitting.  Her tiny cry was the most heavenly thing I had ever heard.  I felt connected to her immediately.  I couldn't see her but I could hear her, and in that moment, it was enough.  


I got to meet her voice.  


I savored every particle of sound that was coming out of her. Tears were running down my cheeks and all I could do was close my eyes and take in that most sacred moment.  John was talking me through what they were doing, he did not leave my side.  He was clenching my hand while standing up and watching everything they were doing to our little girl.  It felt like only moments and then they brought her over to us and John held her for the first time.  He brought her down close to me.


Then I got to meet her body.

It was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced.  I lay there completely aware of only her.  It was a face that I had never imagined and then I knew why I had never dreamed of her while I was pregnant. I could have never imagined a face so perfect and lovely.  It was such an overwhelming and indescribable feeling to look in to the face of some one who was half of me and half of John.  I got to put my hands on her and tell her how much I loved her and how beautiful she was.  She wasn't crying anymore.  She was so alert and I could tell she was loving her firsts moments of life.  I wanted to know what she was thinking and how she felt.

They finished sewing and stapling me back up and then they moved us to a recovery room.  There they gave EJ her first bath and then they put her tiny naked body on to my skin.  I held her so carefully and smelled her delicious skin.  She felt so soft and her movements felt familiar.  The nurses left and I was able to try and nurse her for the first time.

John and I were glued to her and we talked about our feelings and how much we loved her.  Those were powerful moments as it was the first time with just the 3 of us all alone.  I loved it.  The room felt holy,  you could feel that it was a place in which new life entered in to quite often.  All around us we could hear cries of other new babies who had just been brought in to the world.  It was our haven where we could be quiet and take in every bit of her.

After some time passed we were able to go to our hospital room and family came up to meet her.  I was so proud to introduce her to my family and to watch John's protective nature kick in.  We spent 4 days there recovering, healing, and learning about our new baby girl.  

From that day on we gained the new and honorable names of mother and father.


We love our new names.

the day we gained new names- part 1

I'm not really sure how to begin this story of the most sacred day of our lives.  In fact I have tried to write it several times and have had trouble trying to get it out.  I'm positive that these simple words will not give that day the honor that it surely deserves, however I am going to attempt to recount that beautiful day before the precious details slip my mind.  The mere thought of the feelings and emotions that were present then make me cry.

***

Evaleigh had a mind of her own from the beginning.  I struggled quite a bit with the idea of having to deliver c-section due to Ev's breech presentation.  After much prayer and thought John and I decided that it was the best decision to try all that we could naturally to get her to turn.  We thought that if she made the turn on her own then we would proceed with our planned natural birth but if not, we would make what we believed to be the safest decision for our child and have the recommended scheduled Cesarean section birth.  

Our prayers changed from "Please help Evaleigh to turn so we can have a natural birth" to "Please keep her safe and let her be in whatever position is best for her."  Days would pass and still no change.  I began to prepare for my birth experience in a very different way than I had imagine my whole life.  It was difficult and not without many many tears and heartache.  After countless supportive and encouraging emails, messages, phone calls, and shared personal experiences from friends, I began to feel hope.  I felt hope that our birthing experience, come what may, would be nothing less because it was not a natural birth.

Monday night, the night before our scheduled c section, my sister and her husband came over and we all played cards until about midnight.  No big deal, we were just going to stay up late because its not like we were having a baby in the morning or anything.  We really enjoyed our last baby-free night.  I fully aniticipated to sleep horribly, much like Christmas Eve when you wake up at 3am and realize you have to go back to sleep and then again at 5 and 6:30 and then you can finally get out of bed at 8.  
I slept solid until 8am.  It was such a blessing.
My mother fixed everyone breakfast and I was forced to smell delicious bacon and bread and not eat anything because of the surgery.

I showered and everything was so surreal. We got everything ready and packed the car.  When John and I drove out of the driveway we held hands and and I said, "Next time we are on this driveway we will be 3."  We listened to soothing classical piano music the whole way there.  It was such a surreal drive.  We had driven those roads and highways hundreds and hundreds of times and this time felt the same, familiar and right.  The roads were leading us to our daughter.  We got to the hospital and left all of our things in the car.  It felt weird walking into the hospital with nothing but a purse on my shoulder, I felt like I needed more than that to accomplish this huge feat that was ahead of me.  But all I really needed was my body, my strong and capable body that had courageously held this beautiful baby for nearly 10 months. 
We checked in at the front desk and the excitement was bubbling up inside of me.  I sat there holding the hand of the man I made this child with; it felt perfect and whole and right.  My mother and sister arrived shortly after us and the nurses took me back to my pre-op room.  I swear the walk there was a mile or more.  Once we got inside I changed in to my hospital gown.  

I recieved my IV and they drew some blood.  John took care of everything, reading all of the necessary papers and then he would just have me sign.  Every little task was taking us one step closer to meeting our daughter, that precious tiny thing we had made together.
After all of my prep work was done my family was allowed to come in.  My father came in parading the most embarrassingly large pink unicorn (of which has since gained the name Feathers) and a beautiful bouquet of delicate pink roses.  I don't know if I have ever seen his face so happy.

My husband, my mother, my father, and my sister were all gathered around me.  I was surrounded by the people that I love the most and that love me the most and inside me was a new person that we would all love even more together.  I felt secure and confident.  I felt supported and protected.  The moments were passed with exchanges of. "I can't believe this moment is really here!" and "I'm so excited!" phrases.  It was all so blissful.  The nurse came in and said, "Ok mom, 15 minutes til!"  My heart lept!  We would be meeting our daughter in a matter of minutes.  I had one more thing I wanted to do...try and use the bathroom.
I rolled my IV in to the bathroom with me and sat down and had a quiet moment to myself.  I said a prayer and told Evaleigh how excited I was to meet her.  It was as if that moment froze.  It was our last moment together just the two of us while I still had her all to my self.  It was a sacred moment to me.  I told her that she was about to come in to the big world and I promised her then and there that I would do all I could to protect her and be the best mother I could.  I rubbed my belly, took one last glance at my pregnant self in the mirror, and then went back to my room to receive my epidural.  
We were going to have a baby.
It was go time.

part 2 here