Fizzled Out

Here I am. OK. I'm in a rut. I'm just feeling fizzled out. I walk by my gardens checking to see what is making it through this extreme heat and what has tuckered out. The fertilizer sits on the shelf in the utility room needing to be used. The garden hose is turned on for at least 2 hours every other day and some plants are struggling. My camera sits in my purse where it always is but lately it hasn't left my purse. No pictures have been taken in 2 weeks which is why I haven't posted much lately. The temps are high with heat factors of 100-110 almost every day. The heat really overcomes the desire to be outdoors. Today the temps are around 100 in my neck of the woods. I do the same things every day at nearly the same times. Deal or No Deal has become my favorite show when I come home from work. I'm gonna have to cut good looking Howie Mandel off more often. Not to mention that Young and the Restless is on from 6-7p on the soap channel and I can't miss my friends in Genoa City.

I am knowingly hurting myself every day by not exercising and doing things against my health. I am not a young person anymore either so taking care is even more important. Why is it so hard to do these things to help myself. It is a struggle. I have a perfect walking spot. I have an exercise bike in a spare bedroom and I even have a TV to watch in there. But I just walk by it every day and think I really need to get back on that bike.

My heart flutters and my BP rises and falls throught out the day. I am not stressed out either. I know from tests over the past 6 months that I already have plaque build up in my heart and it is the early stages of heart disease. I worry that I am a heart attack waiting to happen. Then will I do what I need to do. My elbow is killing me. My knees hurt and swell as well. I wish I could/would give up these nasty cigarettes. I know they are offensive and are killing me. I have smoked since I was 14 years old. Sure I have quit over the years a couple of times - even for a 2 year period one time. I stupidly picked them up again. I don't eat properly. I go for several days at a time eating only a few things and then get to feeling bad. I live alone so I hate cooking for myself. But I need to be more consious of my eating habits. I have vitamins but I don't take them either. I need to take them.

I know what I NEED to do. I know that it is entirely up to me to change. No one can make me. Confessing it here is hard to do but confessing is half the battle. I acknowledge that I have these problems and I need to CHANGE.

Now what am I going to do? I am going to tend to my gardens today. I am going to ride the bike today. I am making plans to purchase some nicotine patches and nicotine gum. I am going to make notes about what is going to help me over the next month and then the next and so on. I am going to DO THIS. Small changes lead to big changes. I will blog about my health and successes and failures on my other blog.

I write this for my own personal accountability.