In the Company of Thomas

The Doubting Tongue is one that comes from our tendency to rely on our own strength rather than the Lord's. If He gives us a task to do, He will also equip us with the resources to do it. Period.

The Doubting Tongue often tears churches apart, especially when they begin a building program or a new outreach. The energy of those who are committed can only carry the project forward for a certain time. If the Lord isn't in it, the project will start to lose its momentum. Then all the 'bad' tongues we've seen during this study will surface, eager to put their spin on what "should have been."

Yesterday our Pastor preached on the passage in Ephesians about the mystery of the Gospel being extended to the Gentiles. The mystery wasn't the extension of the salvation message to the non-Jews. That had been evident from early times. The mystery was that they would be equal heirs to the Kingdom of God. There would be no waiting rooms, inner sanctums or special places reserved for anyone else. We are all equal before God - male and female, Jew and Gentile, slave and free. So, my thoughts were going, "why on earth do we continue to engage in perpetuating denominations?" I really struggle with this because we attend a church that is a particular denomination, but have not joined, largely because we don't consider ourselves a member of any denomination, but rather Servants of Christ. We have all the privileges of members except that we can't vote at congregation meetings, which is fine with us. It forces us to instead PRAY for the direction the church is going instead of lending our voices to an already abundant chorus.

I do believe in the Truth of the Word of God. When I hear any Christian 'authority' quoted, I go back to what I know to be true.  If it isn't consistent with what the Lord is showing me in the Scriptures, I try to withhold comment, but instead pray. I don't want to doubt the Lord, but I have no problem doubting those who claim to speak for Him.

Lord, I believe it is a mystery as to why you chose me to be one of your servants. Please forgive my flaws, and help me to be your willing, albeit cracked vessel, pouring out your love to others.

Accusing and Discouraging

It is difficult to ask "who left the wet towel on the floor?" without it sounding like accusing. Similarly, it is difficult to be encouraging when the child asks "what do you think" about the clean room and you still see all the clothes on the floor where they were before.

So, no, I'm not doing so well on the 30 Days to Taming my Tongue today. I guess I'm supposed to just pick up the wet towel and hang it up and not care who left it, but just be loving enough to pick it up. The only problem with that is when my children leave home, I'm not going with them to pick up their wet towels.

This has been a rough 24 hours of this tongue taming business!  Paraphrasing the apostle Paul, I know what I should be doing, but I keep doing what I'm good at instead!

Ready, Fire, Aim

Did you read that correctly? Yep. Today is the Retaliating Tongue.

First Peter 3:9 says, "Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate when people say unkind things about you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God wants you to do, and he will bless you for it."

In other words, retaliating is NOT Godly. A truly "victorious" response would be humility, compassion, and glory to God.

The author of 30 Days to Taming the Tongue says she has really struggled with this one and writes, "I suspect I will not always bat a thousand in this area in every situation; however, I know that if I strike out, it will be because I have ignored the urging of the Holy Spirit and made a conscious decision to take God's job by returning the punishment." (emphasis mine)

My son is in 7th grade. Because he is very tall, he has a physical presence that protects him from older students who want to be obnoxious to the younger ones. Yet, there are students who will push the envelope with him just to see what he'll do. His middle school is very racially diverse but not very successfully integrated between the groups of students.  A while back he was chuckling when he told me about a kid who is very 'tough' who purposely shouldered him out of the way in the hall one day, looked at him, and snarled, "move, white boy!" I raised my eyebrows and my son said, "so I held my ground and said, 'no, you move, Shorty." I was so relieved he had been smarter than to return the color insult I didn't think much about it at that moment.  But because we were going somewhere in the car (and so he was trapped) I revisited the issue and asked, "how could you have handled that differently in a way that glorified the Lord?"

He proceeded to explain to me (you know all moms are stupid, right?) the hierarchy of power in middle school and how you can't just let people roll over you because they just ratchet up the pressure.  I asked, "kind of like what his enemies did to Jesus?"  Big sigh and slump into his seat.

So that was a pretty easy conversation to have because it only involved him. But what about the other day when, during an assembly, a kid behind him was poking him with a pencil. He asked the kid to stop a couple of times and then finally turned around, grabbed the kid's hand and took the pencil away. When I told him to keep his hands off other kids, he said, "mom, he was doing it to (my son's friend) first. And he's a lot smaller than me." This friend is smaller and has some special needs that make him very emotionally sensitive. He also doesn't have my son's advantage of height and confidence. So, when I asked the mom question, "how could you have handled that differently in a way that glorified the Lord?" his reply was that there was no other way and outrage that I would let him leave his friends undefended. I tried to point out that he didn't take the pencil away until it was being done to him, but his outrage button was on "HIGH" so there was no enlightenment. For every "but mom," I got, I replied, "keep your hands off other students." We both finally ran out of energy - but it still wasn't resolved. I just know I'm going to get a call someday from the office that he's been suspended for something like this that escalates.

I really don't know how to advise him other than to keep reminding him that He is a living testimony and to behave that way.  I'm interested in what you all think. He doesn't feel particularly inclined to reach out to the other community in his school. By the time they're in high school those lines will be firmly drawn. How should the adults be doing things differently in order to integrate these communities?

Lord, help us as parents to guide these young people your way. Give us tools and perseverance to help them love the unlovely. Make me sensitive today to my tendency to retaliate, even if it's only in my head.


**The link to the book above is just for convenience. It is not linked in any way that will produce benefit or remuneration for me.

Be Part of the Solution

Being around someone who complains all the time is spiritually and emotionally draining. The sad thing is that often these people are unaware of how much they complain. It has become a habit to them - a normal way of engaging in conversation. We all know chronic complainers and swear that we would NEVER be one of those!

But . . .

• in a group of people talking about weather, do you fight the urge to join in commiserating?
• in a group of women talking about husbands/boyfriends, do you fight the urge to document something 'man-stupid' your significant other has done?
• when people are talking about traffic . . . 
• when people are talking about schools . . .
• when people are talking about the government, the budget, the DMV...
• when the cashier at a store asks, "how are you doing today?" do you say, "I'm blessed thank you and how are you?" or do you give her/him something with which to commiserate?

I know a couple of women for whom this is such a 'mode of communication' that it is said about them that "if they aren't complaining, they have nothing to say." What a terrible reputation to have - especially someone who claims to live in the joy of the Lord! When I have to be around them I find myself trying to counter everything they say with something positive. That in itself becomes a battle of attitudes and not very glorifying to the Lord. It is easier just to move away from them. But aren't they ones that God calls me to love just as much as people who have optimistic easy personalities?

And, I confess I jump into this habit very easily. I think part of it is filling a void of silence and part of it is lack of imagination. But mostly it is thoughtless speech, reflecting that I have momentarily forgotten that I should be grateful every day for life itself. I need to find my "thanks, not cranks" wristband and put it back on. I took it off one day to cook and lost it in a kitchen drawer, I think.

It is true there are situations in which complaint is appropriate -- but constructive complaint, wrapped in the Ephesians verse of "speaking the truth in love" should be the goal.  We've all heard the adage, "if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." If there is an issue that concerns me, and it is a Godly concern, then the Lord will give me the talent, time and strength to address it in a way that glorifies Him. If I do not believe I have been given that direction by the Lord then I should keep my mouth SHUT! 

Lord, make me especially mindful today of any words I say that indicate a complaint. I am so grateful for the many blessings you have showered upon me. Let me sing of those instead.

Now: a little note about dates. I started this as a Lent devotion, thinking it would be 30 days. However, I'm on Day 23 and Easter is still three weeks away, so obviously I missed something in translation. You all are so kind to not point out to me how "off" I am -- so I'll finish the 30 days in the book and on the blog and then revisit the ones that God has really been highlighting for me.

The Cursing Tongue - Day 22 of Lent

This is the classic scene from Christmas Story where the boy gets the old "wash out the mouth with soap" treatment for cussing. While we laugh when we see it, there was some wisdom to what moms used to do in yesteryear! A direct application of discipline to the offending part!


Today's passage is about profanity. I have to confess that in my mid-20's I was a bit of a potty-mouth. I loved  nothing more than a dirty joke and if it had some salty words in, so much the better. Ever the legalist, I had certain words I would NOT say out loud and somehow thought that avoiding those made my sin less.  WRONG!


When I placed my entire trust in Christ in November 1993, it stopped.  Just like a cork went into it. Oh, I still know those words, but they're not my first thought when I'm frustrated. As my children have switched to public school and started hearing those words on a regular basis from other students, they have occasionally incorporated one or another into their vocabulary. I've always told them that using curse words shows a tremendous lack of imagination, and both of them have great imaginations and vocabularies, so it isn't necessary to use those words.


But this all masks the deeper issue, which is expressed in James 3:8-9, But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father, and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.

The author of Taming the Tongue writes, "understanding that profanity resides in the heart helps us to reject the idea that a curse word 'slipped' out of our mouth. The reality is that it slipped out of our heart." Wise words.  The Lord looks at what is in our hearts. Ouch.


Lord, my desire today is to produce words from my heart and out of my mouth that glorify and honor you.

Narcissus

Wikipedia says that in Greek mythology, Narcissus (Greek Ναρκισσος) spurned the love of both boys and girls. A rejected lover prayed to Nemesis that Narcissus would one day know the pain of unreturned love, and this curse was fulfilled when Narcissus became entranced by the image of a boy he later discovered only to be his own reflection in a pool. A nymph, Echo, loved this beautiful boy, but she could never get his attention. He remained by the water's edge, and she eventually pined away waiting for him...until nothing was left of Echo but her sad, pleading voice, and Narcissus turned into the flower that bears his name (see Narcissi). Yep, the ubiquitous and many-variant daffodil is the narcissus.


I bring this up because today's reading is about the Self-Absorbed tongue. This is the person who talks about herself all the time. No matter what situation you bring up, she turns it back to herself.


This is another one that I've struggled with, but have done better as I've matured. For one thing, I've met so many interesting people on my life's journey that I've realized I'm not always the most entertaining person in the room! And I've also realized that when I am broadcasting, I can't hear what others are saying about their joys, their pains, their struggles, and their celebrations. Someone told me a long time ago that the smartest person you'll ever meet is the person with whom you have a conversation and never learn a thing about them. Think about it. 


Self-absorption is centered in insecurity. What a surprise - so many of these less desirable tongue-traits are rooted there.


Lord, help me today to find others interesting, and to hold my tongue no matter how interesting I think my story is. Show me something new about one of my friends that I never knew before because I wasn't listening.

Matthew 7:1

When you saw the title,did you immediately know what Bible verse it referenced? Perhaps not by the citation, but studies say this is the #1 verse best known by NON-Christians. And they frequently quote it to people who claim to be Christians.

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

I confess I've had a lot of trouble with the "judgmental tongue" in my life. Purely from a position of insecurity, I have often evaluated others' actions, inactions, words, accomplishments, etc. from my own selfish perspective. Again though, God's sense of humor has helped me start to curb this.

He gave me children. It is SO, SO tempting when you have children to measure them against their peers. But as soon as they start talking, they start repeating things they've heard at home and in the car. They usually do this at the most embarrassing time and place possible. I can't tell you how many times I've been convicted by my children saying something judgmental and ugly - and me knowing that I set that poor example.

We all want our child to be the one the teacher likes best, or thinks is smartest. My daughter had a teacher a few years back who was terrible. Children whose parents attended the 'right' church and professed the 'correct' theology were favored. Children who asked a lot of searching questions (like mine) were troublemakers. It was an excruciatingly difficult year. We tried talking to the teacher one on one, and speaking with the administration, but nothing changed. When the time came for our second child to move up into this teacher's class, I told my husband I didn't think I could take another year with that teacher. He, very gently but very truthfully said, "no, and neither can our son. The way you've spoken about her here at home has destroyed any hope that he would have respect enough for her to do well in her class."  OUCH! I HATED TO HEAR THAT! And I was really angry because I knew he felt the same way about this woman's teaching. But after I thought about it, I remembered that throughout it all, he had never agreed with me about her in front of the kids and had never joined in the indictment.

So, now when we don't care for a teacher's approach we discuss it privately, behind closed doors. And we pray. And if absolutely necessary, we go to the administration. (An easier thing to do now that they're in public school and there's more than one teacher per grade.)

Matthew 7:3-5 says, "why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Why do non-Christians accuse us with the "judge not" phrase? Because it is very easy to do. We are humans, struggling with our sin nature just like anyone else. The difference though is that we are FORGIVEN and we have a hope of moving towards being more Christ-like and less judgmental. As we mature in our relationship with the Lord and start to care more about HIS reputation than our insecurities, perhaps we will allow his gentle hand over our mouths to stay there.

Lord, help me see those annoying people you place in my path as people that you love just as much as you love me. Give me your glasses today to see with compassion. Help me to not judge, but just love.

Added on later:  I love this song.  To look into my judge's face and see a Savior there...

Rude and Ruder

I remember the title of a movie that came out a few years ago.  "Dumb and Dumber" was the movie. I never saw it, but the fact that a movie would be titled that stuck with me.  (Some day I'll do a post about misused words - starting with "dumb").

Today's topic is the Rude Tongue. The author speaks to our busy lives and all the devices we employ to make us more 'efficient.' We are all in a hurry and we all expect instant results.

On Friday Google was having some trouble with e-mail and with blogs. It was making me crazy. I had gotten up at 4:30 a.m. to put the child with a field trip to NYC on her bus. I knew the bus wasn't returning until midnight. I was, a bit cranky during the day (except for when I was drumming.  That was the high point of the day). Every other Friday evening we have a Bible study group in our home. I know my heart and my energy was less than normally engaged. So when Google was slow, I was . . . um . . . rude. To everyone in my household.  Saturday was so busy that my brow furrowed with dark thoughts more and more. By 3 p.m. I was about to explode. So I went to take a nap. I'm sure my family and the entire Washington DC metro area sighed with relief.

I find that when I am tired or feeling pressed for time, I am more inclined to be rudely impatient. And I am more likely to express it verbally. Why can't I remember that God has ordained my time and I will not be any earlier or any more late than what He already knows will be the case? And if the God of the universe is okay with it, then I should be too.

Ahh...Lord, forgive my impatience. Help my family forgive my rudeness and uncharitable behavior. Help me to remember to seek you first before opening my mouth.  Again.  Amen.

My God is Bigger than Any Problem

Church of the Holy Cross (Akdamar Kilisesi)

A medieval Armenian Church on the Island of Van, Turkey

Finally!  One of the passages that I truly DO NOT do! This one is on the Intimidating Tongue. I don't bully other people. Having worked in the field of law, it is one of the most distasteful things to experience, so I am not at all drawn to it.

I do have dear friends who are married to men who are fond of verbal tongue-lashing as a regular event - as if it is part of conversation. I pray for these dear ones for the Lord to give them strength, grace and mercy and when I'm being obedient, I pray for their husbands as well.

I have to say this is the first passage that has really disappointed me. She spends some time in it extolling a TV preacher for whom I have no patience. He preaches prosperity theology and I find him very distasteful, and she uses him as an example of humility, which if you spend 5 minutes watching him you know he is not.  Worse, the paragraph about him doesn't really even fit into the flow of the discussion of people who use their tongues to intimidate others. Bleh.

Lord, thank you for providing me with a man who, while not perfect, does not use his tongue to intimidate or denigrate. Thank you for the example of David who, after listening to Goliath's rant, simply told the giant who David chose to serve and let you lead the battle.

A Little Tact Goes A Long Way

When I was young I aspired to become a member of the Foreign Service. I loved studying International Affairs and fancied myself 'quite good at it.' Only as time went on did I realize that one of the most important attributes a Foreign Service Officer could have was tact. They call it diplomacy. Ambrose Bierce called it, "lying for one's country." But he was NEVER about tact. And because I was young, I appreciated Ambrose Bierce much more than being tactful, I shelved that idea and moved on to the next.

Today's reading for Lent is about the Tactless Tongue. Most of us do not set out to be unkind or undiplomatic. But often we are. To quote the passage, "while honesty is indeed the best policy, it is not a license to say whatever we want."

To be sensitive to how others will receive a message requires great reliance on the Holy Spirit. But imagine if missionaries never bothered with tact. How would the Gospel move forward? And we all know that to speak the truth is important, but that the admonition is to "speak the truth in LOVE." (Ephesians 4:15)

A friend told me recently that her small child is disconcertingly truthful. Children are -- they say what is on their minds. And while that is often cute when they're three, it's really annoying when they're thirteen. I offered my friend the advice (I know, always dangerous) that she turn it around on the child by asking, "did you just speak the truth in LOVE?"

I love author Deborah Smith Pegues's last bit of advice in learning tact.  "When we find ourselves about to say something tactless, however, we can do what the Federal Communications Commission sometimes mandates broadcaster to do -- delay transmission.  We can review the words in our minds and evaluate their impact."

Again, I hear my mother and grandmother and teachers saying, "THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!"

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Yesterday was too time-compressed to post on my Lent devotion, so today you get a two-fer.

We are dealing first with the Know-it-all Tongue. Boy, does this one really convict me. I've always been a pretty good harvester of near-useless data, so when I think I know something, even a little bit, about a subject under discussion, my history has been to chime in with what I know. In a group when someone was relating a story about something that happened, I often felt I needed to 'add to' their story.

In Community Bible Study,  I have learned a LOT about this through leadership. In our Tuesday meetings we go over the questions from our lesson together in a group. This is where I am the 'member' and the teaching director is the group leader.  My tendency is to fill in the silence with an answer to get the ball rolling. I have to re-visit self control EVERY week on this issue.  Sadly, I often fail.  But, with the grace of God, instead of 10 out of 10 times jumping in to tell people what I know, I've cut back to about 6 out of 10 times.  Moreover, I am increasingly aware of my tendency to do this, and am starting to exercise self-control and self-restraint.

God is funny though -- on Wednesday with our entire class, we break into our small groups.  In these, the leader (me) asks the questions from our week's lesson, and waits for the ladies to chime in with an answer.  All have had the same amount of time to prepare.  Some hesitate because they're not sure they got the right answer. Some hesitate because they're giving others a chance. And some don't hesitate at all. In every group I lead there's always one person just like me who wants to jump in with the answer. God's great sense of humor is at play here. He shows me how annoying it is to the leader when one person dominates the discussion. Each year I have to ask Him to show me ways to deal with it. Sometimes I just have to call that person and ask them to give others a chance to answer.

Some of those really quiet women, when they do share an answer, have such a GEM of wisdom in it, that everyone just drinks the blessing in. That doesn't happen if the opening doesn't occur.

Learning to appreciate the silences and wait for the Holy Spirit is a HUGE undertaking for me. So I am so thankful that God called me into leadership.   Sometimes, on the top of each page of my lesson for Tuesday class I write "S.U." That's a note for me to shut up and let someone else talk.

One paragraph in this reading really struck me.  It says, "even if you are brilliant but humble, your mere presence may cause those with low self-esteem to feel inferior. Certainly then, displaying intellectual superiority will alienate others."  God shows his sense of humor to me with this too.  Until I got married, I was the brilliant one.  When my husband would say things like, "Well, of course you know that (insert Greek philosopher) said, XXXX."  No, I didn't know that and I felt STUPID because of the way he conveyed that information. He and I both still struggle with coming across as arrogant, but nowadays when one of us is starting to believe our own press, God gives the other of us an opportunity to lovingly address it.  And of course with teens in the home, who.know.everything., we get it right back in our faces.  No hiding from genetics!

Day 16 is The Harsh Tongue.  I think my tendency to do this is pretty limited to my family.  Not that it's okay, but they are the ones who are most likely to get into this line of fire. I have had to apologize to each of my kids, both of them at one time, and my husband. There's no excuse for it, especially for a follower of Christ.  Harsh words can impact a person for a lifetime, ruin a marriage, estrange families, and lead to violence. No excuses.

Lord, help me to share only what you have directed me to share today. Help my every word be loving, kind, and suitable for building up, not tearing down.

Cynics Beware

The reading today describes the cynical tongue as one that scorns the motives of others. I like to think the best of others' but in examining myself, I find that I am guilty of this one too from time to time.

When I was young, sarcasm or cynicism as humor was a popular trend and I was pretty good at it. The writings of Ambrose Bierce were among my favorites.  I almost always spoke before I thought of the impact, and while people liked me, they weren't all that comfortable around me.  I thought I was being "wryly amusing." This came to a screeching halt when I got married and my husband pointed out that my sarcasm wasn't funny. I'm pretty sure he was mad at me at the time, so I don't think I received that message graciously. But over time, I came to understand how wounding sarcasm was to him, and how it made me look in his eyes.

These days, I find that my cynicism comes from becoming weary due to a long standing issue or situation (i.e. politics, religion, parenting, all those things you're not supposed to talk about in polite company). When the iceberg starts to move a tiny bit, I am suspicious of its motives.

And yet . . . when I question the motives of others, I show how far away from God I am. After all, HE never gives up on us. And HE can change anyone's heart. When I am skeptical about someone's apparent change of heart, I'm showing that I doubt God's ability to do that. Who am I to question anyone's motivation?

We need people who are brave enough to question mainstream thought. We should value those in our society who ask difficult questions out loud. A false "Pollyanna" atmosphere is of little use to anyone.  For believers however, those questions and challenges should come after prayer and time spent in Scripture.

Unchecked cynicism poisons an atmosphere, whether it is in the home, the work place, a church, a book group...it drains the positive energy from a group setting which is otherwise productive. We all know those people who are "sour" in their outlook, cynics about everything, and emotionally toxic. If you are close to one of those people or you ARE one of those people, consider asking the Lord what He would have you do about it.

Lord, show me today when I am contemplating this error and help me correct it. Especially before it comes out my mouth or rolls off my fingers.

Talking Them Down

Today's reading is on the Belittling Tongue.  Boy does this hit home.  I'm the kind of mom who knows her children are capable of great things, so when their grade is a B, my first inclination is to ask why they didn't get an "A".  I don't mean to belittle their B.  In asking them, I want to know whether the lower grade is a product of not understanding the material fully or lack of diligence.  However, the children shared with me that this makes them feel like they can never 'measure up.'

In our school district the teachers send mid-term grade reports via e-mail. My tactic now is to forward them to the appropriate child's e-mail and ask if they need any assistance in understanding material. The onus is on them to respond appropriately. As a parent, I want them to be always diligent and always excellent.  Also as a parent, I recognize that they have to learn the consequences of their choices of how to spend their time. At this point (ages 15 and 13), we've taught them everything they need to know about how to employ good study habits and good time management. It's up to them.  Can I say that honestly, it's killing me letting go of this control?

Ah well, at least they don't feel belittled anymore.

The Meddling Tongue

I'm beginning to think that many of these overlap.  The chapter describes the meddling tongue as the one attached to the nosy person. I see meddling as not just asking impertinent questions, but also going the next step and attempting to do or fix a situation.

I know people, even extended family members, who are so sensitive to this issue that they absolutely do not share information about what is going on in their lives. With the extended family member, I learned early on if we inquired, we got the cold shoulder. As a result, even though they are close relatives and live in the same town, we know very little about what is going on in their lives, their children's lives, etc.  I wonder what will occur when those kids reach the wedding stage!  Will we even know?

Early in our relationship many years ago, we were motivated by wanting to get to know the person better. We weren't even egregious in our questions -- it was 'normal' conversation for us.  After years of the situation, we finally gave up and now just gratefully receive any scrap that they give us. People who behave this way were probably raised this way -- or worse, lived in the middle of a fishbowl and developed this defense mechanism -- but we are not going to be able to change it.

Because of this situation, I am VERY hesitant to ask questions, afraid people will see it as nosiness or untoward curiosity and take offense.  That often leaves me looking like I am not concerned about someone's need or that I don't care.  Ai-yi-yi -- where do we draw the line?  Prayer.  Prayer. Prayer.

Lord, help me to see needs, to follow your lead in asking questions when they are of you. Temper my tongue and help me resist the urge to fix things for other people.

Busybody No More

Day 10 

The Gossiping Tongue

This one is easy to identify and unfortunately, easy to slip into. I find it in Christian circles as women try to negotiate the line between "we need to pray for them" vs. wanting to be the person who shares the "news."


Many years ago when my children were in private school I was chatting with another mother. We lived in the same town and she was asking if I wanted to carpool. I was trying to figure out a gracious way to say no. I didn't like carpooling because the time in the car with my children on the way to and from school was very precious 'captive' time, and having another child in the car messed up the dynamic. In order to illustrate the point, I told her about when we tried carpooling with a different family in the school and how it just didn't work. I could have stopped there, but I didn't. I told her how difficult that child was. She agreed and then told me about some incidences between that child and hers.


Later that evening my telephone rang.  It was the woman I had gossiped with. She said, "I want to apologize to you. This afternoon I engaged in gossip and I know that displeases the Lord. I ask your forgiveness."  I stammered out something along the lines of, "I was very wrong too, and I ask yours as well."  In truth I was stunned, and learned VOLUMES from the encounter. How difficult it must have been for her to make that phone call! How liberating it was for me to also acknowledge my sin and to get it cleared up between us. From that day forward my relationship with this mom was on a more mature level than almost any other parent in the school and what a blessing that was.


When women gather, tongues often wag and it's not always to the glory of the Lord. One of the reasons I love that we have chosen to be TV-less is that there's a whole lot of social and pop culture junk that I don't know enough about to care about. So when women are talking about it, I don't feel a need to engage. I am far from 'arrived' on this issue, but the Holy Spirit makes me very aware of it when I do participate in gossip.


My question to you is, what is the appropriate response when other people around you are engaged in a gossipfest? The minimum is to not join in. But should we be doing something more affirmative than that? What does that look like?


Father, may the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to you, O Lord. (Psalm 19:14)

Speaking Ill of the Accomplished

Day 9

The Slandering Tongue

Because I live in the Washington, D.C. area, and national politics are local politics, I get very tired of the constant stream of people denigrating one another's ideas, person and beliefs. So when I first read the title of this chapter I thought, "oh that's not one I do."


Then I read the rest of the chapter. Instead of focusing on "them" it encouraged me to focus on my sin in the area of slander. And oh so ouch.


Since I was a small child I have struggled with feeling inadequate, which produced jealousy of others' successes. If my mother complimented another person's child, I believed the subtext was, "you should be more like her." If my teacher held up someone else's paper, I thought to myself, "oh, that's not so great." If my brother excelled in something that I had struggled with, I attributed it to him receiving more love and attention from my parents.  And so on.  Unfortunately, this continued through school and into adulthood.


What is sad is that I have a very quick mind and regrettably, a quicker tongue. I have often been the opposite of James 1:19 (My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry)   I have been slow to listen (if at all) and quick to speak, usually in a way that tried to diminish that other person so that I made myself feel better. Even as I admonished my children to not speak ill of classmates, I found myself speaking ill of those classmates' parents.


It is only in the last few years, after painful and searching conversations with my spouse and God, that I have started to grow in this area. There are times that I almost physically feel God's hand over my mouth.


Last night I had a board meeting for a local group I'm involved with. One member of the group was very intent on projecting and revisiting his opinion. I found myself a couple of times trying to interject but he raised his voice and ran me over. He wasn't denigrating a particular person, but we were all very intent on defining the "enemy" -- in this case the county officials who are slashing the budget of the libraries to nothing. What he wanted to say needed to be said (although once would have been sufficient) and this morning as I reflect on it, I am so grateful. God showed me exactly what I do to others when I head out "full steam ahead" without regard to the contents of my speech. 


Search me Lord. Show me where the gift of a quick mind you gave me has been ill used and has brought you the opposite of glory. Forgive me for my hasty speech and thoughtless prattle. Help me today, one hour at a time, to say only positive, kind, and true things about other people, and only if they are words that you would have me speak. Amen.

Trash Talking Yourself

Okay, I admit it. I do this one. I try to be self-deprecating. This reading today says that our self-deprecation displeases God. It gives the example of when Moses told God he couldn't lead the Israelites out of Egypt because he wasn't a good speaker. God replied, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:11-12).

So the point here is that when we cut ourselves down, we are rejecting the Word of God. We are also second guessing His wisdom in His making us. Sure, we mess up what He intended for good. We are not always good stewards of our bodies that He blessed us with. But the original creation, as designed by Him, is very good.  So for us to think of ourselves "unworthy" flies in the face of how God views us! He knew us before we were born and cares about every hair on our heads! And if we've accepted His son as our Savior, God sees us in our PERFECTED state! So for us to run ourselves down is ungrateful and dishonors Him.

I do think we have to balance this with understanding the gifts God has given us though! No amount of surgery or prayer can turn a 5'4" 48 year old non-athletic woman into an NBA star. However, He can use her to encourage the future NBA stars that come across her path!

People often say to me, "you ran a marathon? I could never do that!"  Really?  Can't?  Or not willing to try?  Check out this video before you give that answer.

I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13) 

Unpleasant Boasting

Day 7 of the Taming the Tongue book deals with the Boasting Tongue.


When we are small, boasting is a way of making us feel bigger. The classic playground claim, "my dad is bigger than your dad" gives way to boasting about our own accomplishments and achievements. Somewhere along the line as an adult we come full circle and become less inclined to boast about our own successes and shift to boasting about accomplishments of those close to us once more.


For those of us with children this becomes a huge struggle to control. A man I know tells a story about when he was a child that he received some kind of award or something in school. Because his mother was a typical mom, she told everyone she knew about it. They lived in a small expatriate community overseas and it seemed that everyone he knew had heard about the award from his mom. He vowed to never tell her anything like that again. When his parents showed up to celebrate his college graduation years later they had no idea, until he received it, that he was the recipient of a BIG DEAL award, because he had kept his vow.


As a mom, I can understand how his mother felt and why she told everyone about her son. We want to share our joy in our children's accomplishments. Yet, here in Northern Virginia where education is one of our gods, the push to make children into high achievers is relentless. I wonder whether we are sharing joy in our children's accomplishments or showing what great parents we are? Are we taking credit for what God has gifted our children with?


I struggle sometimes with this admonishment to not engage in such behavior. Fortunately, two of my friends at our Bible Study Leaders Group have modeled God's admonishment for me.  They both have incredibly gifted children.  One child swam in the summer Olympics last year. The other scored so high on standardized tests as a small child that the likes of MIT and Rensselaer pursued him from a very early age. Both of these mothers have mastered the ability to share what's going on in these kids' lives only when asked. They both model grace and humility and an understanding that although their children have worked very hard with what God gave them, God did give them the talents. Good genetics and encouraging backgrounds enhance, but the meat of it comes from God. They've also shared how that level of gift can create difficulties as well.

Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."
 1 Corinthian 1:31

This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, Jeremiah 9:23

Sowing Peace

Today's reading is about the Divisive Tongue.  It begins by asking us to consider people who deliberately sow dissension. As I read that I felt a tiny bit okay, because I didn't think I deliberately did it.


But then I turned the page and read where it tells us about the goals of the Enemy. "He will cause us to become offended over a harmless statement, to read more meaning into a comment than the speaker intended, to ascribe impure motives to someone's behavior, or to believe a lie."  And I find that when I am being offended in this way, I in turn become more divisive.  Ouch!


At the same time, my Bible study lesson this morning was about Jonah. Many people know about Jonah being swallowed by a whale. But the whole story is that the reason Jonah was in the ocean at all was because he was running away from God! God had told him to go preach to some people in Ninevah and he didn't want to. He didn't like those people. They weren't like him and they weren't NICE!  So he jumped aboard a ship, a big storm blew up, he told the sailors to save themselves by throwing him in the sea, so there he was.  And wouldn't you know that God wouldn't let him die and AVOID the mission! God sent a big fish to rescue Jonah. But he let Jonah stew in fish juice for three days until Jonah worked out what was really at the heart of the issue.


Even then, after Jonah went and preached to the people and they repented and started worshiping the Lord Jonah was miffed! He still didn't like those people! And God asked Jonah what right Jonah had to say who would and would not be saved.


In my Bible study lesson, one of the questions was whether there was a "Ninevah" mission in my life that God keeps sending me on and that I would prefer to run away from.  Double barreled ouch! There are two people in my life that I can't help but be around and who I KNOW are my Ninevah mission. Like Jonah, I don't like them and they aren't like me. And over the years they've been often unkind or indifferent.


A mission to people who are unwilling, unwelcoming and unloving is difficult. After years and years of this, I am tempted to do a Jonah and jump a ship for Tarshish. Or worse, have an attitude of grudging obedience. Do I really look forward to these people coming to know the Lord? Do I really want to share the "goodies."  Don't I want God to like me better because I knew Him and obeyed Him first?


Ouch, ouch and ouch.


Lord help me love them the way you do, and passionately desire their hearts to yield to you. Help me not to be divisive when my feelings are hurt.  And if I'm not feeling particularly energetic in loving them, at least help me not be a stumbling block, and kindle in me a desire to serve more enthusiastically in this area.


Because it is God's preference for us to sow peace, I would like to offer a giveaway of The Peacemaker book. This is the student edition of The Peacemaker: Handling Conflict without Fighting Back or Running Away by Ken Sande and Kevin Johnson.  If you would like this book, please leave me a note in the comments. I'll announce the winner on Wednesday.

Day 3 of Learning in Lent

Today's reading is about the Manipulating Tongue.  The passage refers to Delilah, the manipulative woman who was the downfall of Samson.  The writer says, "while manipulators are subtle and make every attempt to cloak their self-serving motives . . . "


I don't think I intentionally try to manipulate people When I was practicing law that was such a part of the 'game' that it was exhausting to try to keep up with it.


However, today I am asking the Lord to show me where I might be less-consciously trying to manipulate people or situations. 

• Do I cook a favorite meal in order to curry favor with another person or because I genuinely want to love that person?
• Do I offer help because I really want to help or because I want to be closer to 'the action"?
• Do I join a conversation because I really have something useful and God-honoring to add or am I just trying to show how smart I am?
• Do I remind my children to do things because I think it will do any good or because I want them to know how annoyed I am with their forgetfulness?

Trying to manipulate situations and people is ultimately a failure of trust in the Lord to handle it. And His word is clear, 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

Lean not on your own understanding,

 In all your ways acknowledge HIM, 

and He will make your path straight." 

(Proverbs 3:5-6)

The writer concludes with this affirmation, "Because I am in right standing with God, He surrounds me with favor.  Therefore, I have no need to manipulate anyone for personal gain or advantage."


Told you this would be a challenge...stay tuned.