The Trouble with Life : The vein of under-appreciated

*These posting may cause a hidden revolting in some people heart... in case you're really felt under-appreciated... some of the part might sound immature.. but hey! it's my personal rant anyway :p*

Are you lack of appreciation by your family, friends and colleagues?

Are you a loyal giver to others but you didn't get any respond or being appreciated by them?

Are you the invisible kind of person and people didn't notice you?

Are you alone lonely loner??

Are you the one that prays to much, hoping that God gives you somebody to love... unfortunately you're still panting yourself as a giver... not a taker?

Are you the one that thinks that you're not important to people surrounding you.?

Are you the one that keep day dreaming that is someone will be your hero and your savior all the time... awwww!! I was hoping for Garrett Hedlund.......... like duh!


Em.... it's such a dreadful to be the under-appreciated person. If the feelings of under-appreciated continues crusading your heart and finally derails from your nerve... it's not gonna be pretty... you probably suffering a sever breakdown.

Oh.... first of all..... Rest in Peace ...

Amy Winehouse

We know that this miserable life of talented young lady are driven by drugs and excessive drinking... I mean, she not doing it for unknown reason... there must be a psychological defunct in her life that breaks herself and lead to addiction towards drugs and alcohol.

For me, I'm a person that always under-appreciated. I think this is the bravest virtual confessions from me so far. To utter these "under-appreciated" feelings from my mouth it's so hard to do. I still not asking my friend how well am I to their life so far and I don't have any intention to do it. Because we know... if we asked about it, it will be a difficulties for them to judge you. It's a taboo issue here....

But then again..... your dilemma grew tormentingly in yourself because you're still feel neglected by friends. The worst part is, it's up to your choice to knot the ties better among your friends .....

Please don't get upset with me.. but yes it's true..

Ironically, I'm the one that needs to make a "move" just to re-strength my friendship, just asking them "hey.... let's go out and have a drink or two", By the time we're hang out, I can't feel the sincerity of them and myself too .... So I guess that I'm not that special to anybody heart. Sometime, the negative feeling leads to my level of sincerity of befriends someone. Forgive me..

I think I'm the one that asking friends personally to accompanied me just to hang-out with. Although I seldom does it because I decide to do it alone. I'd faced lot's of "rejections" before .... so I got scared to "proposed" it again and I'll go outing myself.

I'd sacrifices for many years just to be there when my friends need me the most and I seldom get the same from them. Really this topic can be related to the best friends with benefits post previously.

I don't care much about my school friends because I'm not really comfortable talking to them... maybe 2, 3 of them are close to me.

I thank God for He'd given me few friends that willing to "walk" with me, be my good listener and having the fun moment together. But the career barrier and my current hometown had torn us apart build the limitations apart.... Even if I'll have a boyfriend sooner or later... does he willing to come to my place... for sake of "love"? (cerita lain)....

Since I've been hurt by the hidden menaces of my close friends before, I'd lose my positive thinking about the special of me in other people eyes. It takes me few years to regain my strength to accept who am I to be in this world.

What makes me feel under-appreciated?... please forgive me for point out this devastating questions. What's wrong with me....?

1. Physical disadvantage (of course lah kan..)
   
2. Plain ugly (lagilah scary.... sampai kena kutuk keburukan ku.. uhuk !!!)
   
3. Speaks my mind
4. Emotional driven
5. We don't have the same mind
6. We don't have the same hobbies
7. I'm difficult
8. I can't bring any benefit for you
9. You only befriend me just because you feel pity over my super loneliness?
10. I'm too timid?

That's why I can think of for know.... I knew some of you might think I should shed few pounds on me.. okay fine I'll do it slowly... however let me ask yourself, If I kurus pun are you befriend me for sake it (I cantik ketika kurus) or it's because of "me, myself and I" ????. I'm no hypocrite over myself ... I did get myself thinner circa early Y2K (Lot's of new friends swarmed in) and I get myself fat again and I lose them for unknown reason... bleh!

Ahhh damn, I make myself more difficult now... not sure not to tackle the tangle thoughts as it has been wind up in the brain for so long...

Em... let's focus on the under-appreciated issue. Since I was born "timid"... I'd fail to unleash my true potential of me either in educations (yes...... I'll get my Masters soon btw.), social life, physical abilities *sigh*.... Can I blame parents and God because of my appearance??... of course not!!.. Parents blame me anyway... okaylah put the blame on me... I'm fuken glutton of punishment.

To enhance myself, I've to sketch my journey just to ensure I'll survive on anything. I survive the failure too. Unfortunately when I found myself under-appreciated.... it become a big issue to me... Honestly I'm tired of giving... I'm sorry.... When can I feel the sweetness of "taking" the appreciatuon by people and I want to be "grateful" by it... I'm totally lack of love :(

Why?

I feel jealous to see my mother received a special gift from my dad and seeing my sister received the gift from her husband, seeing my friends looks happy when they went out with their boyfriends and their close friends... me?

All my life I'm not sure what are special gift I'd received, even on my birthdays ... even if it's virtually, I don't care.... I'm lack of love... A sincere hugs can cure my painful vein. Nobody asked me how am I feeling.... It seems I'm the one that worked hard just to ensure there something people find it valuable about me.

Now I'm losing a job.... I feel like I don't belong to the society... The society hates jobless people, unable to obtain something beneficial about us... It's a cruel world... I'm trying to get back to myself... Having a job it's like a getaway for me not to think about the trouble with life... although I must agree that I'm under-appreciated back in the faculty I'd worked. Who am I to complain.... I still get the money anyway.

When I look at the turbulence within Ms. Winehouse life.... I think I can understand her... It's just that she's already a lose cannon and failed to be save from the trouble she'd caused. Drugs it's not the answer... but the drugs might be the answer for her to feel happy. She is rich however she need something that makes her happy, but what she get is people always bashing her wrongdoings and her uniqueness... maybe she was an under-appreciated person before???. Only God Knows Why...

Breathless vs. Bradychardia

Yup everybody.. akhirnya bebanan ku sebagai P.A telah digalas oleh orang lain. I'm now a very-very free P.A freelancer and I'm grinning over the free time that I'll get this month which I've to used it wisely because my final exam will start giving me nightmare in 3 weeks time.

Berkenaan my P.A position yang digalas oleh orang lain, the job is now belong to my long-long time friends after I'd endorsed my boss to hired her. She is desparate to find a job. Lucky her she tell me her real situation. Jangan pulak korang tuduh aku jahat saying that I'd tossed her as a vampire's chump to "you know who". Because I believe God will protect my friend by transforming boss wife as a ultimate guardian (Allah does had transform her.. She'd "protect" me.. and my Boss don't want to make trouble with her ;p) . I'll come there seldom too because I was given a more difficult task to handle. (I'm NOT completely resigned yet... I'm just turned to freelance P.A). I'd vowed to get her out of there soon.. for now I let her earn some money to pay her university debt first. I know, trust me, I cross finger and I cross my heart and hope to die.. there is nothing that will happened to her. Because only me that know my boss dark secret and we had promised each other to keep it secret. Cheh.. now I look like his secret mistress pulak... Astagfirullah !!!!

Yeah.. heck that. Anyway Friday still give me breathless you know. I'm sleepless and have to delivered my final Power Point presentation. Now... half of my project burden has been freed. I love today's weather. Shah Alam's froggy had yearned for rain for heck a long time. Bless to Allah he had "moistures" everything in Shah Alam. Maybe He is happy over my decision to free myself and searching something better for me.

First of all I fell a bit guilty by endorsing her to take my job. But, I'm confidence over my decision because I'll still be there too, earning something as P.A freelancer.

Notice that I'd change to another profile song. I'd fall in love with this song when i first time heard it on the radio. I think Shayne Ward,23 had done a good job singing this song. Because he had made me breathless too *sniff..sniff..sniff* I love the lyric so much, not to forget he's damn gorgeous. Kalau lah my future husband (If David Caruso sing this... it's gonna be my freakiest nightmare) CAN sing this song... Haiya i'll fainted already... (Ape ? Ape? Mesti korang ingat aku nak suruh Vince nyanyi kan? kan ? hai.. cukup2 lah korang buat aku vvveeeeraanggann !!!!!!)

Walaubagaimanapun.. aku sudah jatuh cinta dengan lagu "Breathless" nie... the lyrics had touches me deeply inside. I don't mind if you say me jiwang. My jiwang level are different than u olls !!! Mak punya jiwang lagi keleeesss dari u ols !!! hahahahah.....

If our love was a fairy tale I would charge in and rescue you

On a yacht baby we would sail

To an island where we’d say I do

And if we had babies they would look like you

It’d be so beautiful if that came true

You don’t even know how very special you are

[Chorus]

You leave me breathless

You’re everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can’t believe that you’re mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you’re leaving me Breathless

And if our love was a story book

We would meet on the very first page

The last chapter would be about

How I’m thankful for the life we’ve made

And if we had babies they would have your eyes

I would fall deeper watching you give life

You don’t even know how very special you are

You leave me breathless

You’re everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can’t believe that you’re mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you’re leaving me

You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me

You’re like an angel

The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me

You’re something special I only hope that I’ll one day deserve what you’ve given me

But all I can do is try

Every day of my life

You leave me breathless

You’re everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can’t believe that you’re mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you’re leaving me

Breathless

You leave me breathless

You’re everything good in my life

You leave me breathless

I still can’t believe that you’re mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams

So beautiful you’re leaving me

Breathless

*Sniff...sniff..sniff..* aku terkesima...... Fairytale here i come.....

p/s: Al-fatihah buat Allahyarham Rosli Khamis @ Loloq. Your sudden departure will be forever missed by us. Your contribution to Malaysian Music will never be replaced. You are special, you're one kind of arts and your lovable by people. May your soul will rest in peace. Al-Fatihah

Sudah dijanjikan Syurga buatmu Pakcik... *Update*

Pagi ini.....

*Mami mengetuk pintu bilik aku...

Aku: Ada apa Mi?

Mami: Ziya, Hantar Abah pegi airport....

Aku: *menguap* kenapa ?

Mami: Pakcik Lahub dah meninggal...

Aku: Ya Allah... Inalillah..

Belum pun sebulan arwah Pakcik Yahya meninggal dunia.... I've to accept the fate that i'll lost another uncle in just 3 weeks. Bagai tak percaya apa yang aku dengar dari mulut ibuku sendiri. Abah ketika itu sedang sibuk mengemaskan pakaian untuk pulang ke Sabah hari ini. Dia juga meminta aku untuk melihat jadual penerbangan ke Sandakan melalui laman AirAsia dan MAS. Aku yang masih terpinga-pinga terus duduk di depan komputer. Nasiblah aku tak shut down komputer dari semalam.

Pakcik Lahub adalah adik Abah. Namun dari kecil lagi pakcik ku nie mentally retarded. Aku tidak segan untuk mengakui yang aku ada seorang pakcik yang kurang siuman. Bagi aku dia pun manusia juga. Malahan sikapnya lebih baik dari manusia2 yang plastik.

Apabila Pakcik Lahub meninggal... rasa kesedihan itu very intense. Bukan sekadar aku bersimpati dengan keadaan Pakcik, tapi aku pernah meluangkan sedikit masa aku untuk bermesra dengan dia. Aku pernah menjaganya buat sementara semasa aku balik ke Sabah 5 tahun lalu.

Masa aku baru sampai ke rumah pakcik aku (Pakcik Jefri) di sabah. Pakcik Lahub sudah tunggu di depan pintu. Dia mungkin tidak mengenali aku sebelum ini sebab aku berpindah ke Selangor ketika kecil. Namun dia tetap mengukir senyuman ketika aku baru sampai dari KL. Dia juga gembira sebab dia ada "anak saudara".

Walaupun pakcik aku retard... tapi dia tak pernah menjadi "ganas" atau "memberontak". Dia jenis yang mengikut kata. Walaupun kadang-kadang kita pening dengan mood dia. Ketika aku menjaga dia, aku yang bagi dia makan dan tuangkan air untuk dia minum. Aku juga makan dengan dia sekali. Dia pandai suap nasi sendiri.. tapi dia tak pandai nak ambil air minuman. Segan kata dia. Bila waktu petang.... aku, anak pakcik Jefri dan Pakcik Lahub duduk di taman sambil bercerita. Tutur kata, sikap lurus bendul dan blur Pakcik Lahub kadang-kadang membuatkan kami ketawa. Kami tetap sayangkan dia.

Bila aku kenangkan balik semua tue. Aku menangis. It's because he'd left us suddenly. Allah had called him back in his beautiful sleep. Cause of death was unknown, But few days ago he had fever and blood's vomit. He was 38 years old.

Abah told me not to cry over his death. Allah will take him to heaven for sure. It's a "promise" by Him. Pakcik is a mentally retard person since he was a kid. Dia takde dosa dengan Allah dan orang lain. Itu yang Abah beritahu aku masa aku hantarnya ke LCCT.

Everyone in our family will mourn over Pakcik Lahub sudden departure. We cry over it with grateful because... we know he will be sit gracefully beside Allah. He's a special person.

Update: Aku buka balik file-file gambar ketika aku balik Sabah 3 tahun lepas dari PC aku. Aku teringatkan kerusi yang amat disukai arwah Pakcik Lahub. Kerusi di taman rumah sentiasa menjadi teman setianya setiap hari. Pakcik akan duduk di situ tiap-tiap hari sambil melihat orang dan kenderaan lain lalu-lalang. Di situ juga dia duduk dan menuggu kedatangan saudara-saudaranya termasuk aku. Kalau ada yang datang... dia akan terus tersenyum sendirian. Bagaikan dia mengerti sesuatu. Ketika aku menulis ini pun air mata aku mengalir lagi. Aku tak tahu apa difikirannya ketika dia berada disitu. Dia bahagia di dalam dunianya sendiri.

Bro Rain: I'm sorry to hear that your other uncle passed away...

Aku: Tak dapat bayangkan Aziya kehilangan dua pakcik tak sampai 3 minggu

Bro Rain: Last August I'd lost my 2 uncles barely a week

Aku: Bro... my uncle tue mentally retard

Bro Rain: Really... since when ? Sakit apa

Aku: IDK.... memang dari kecil lagi dia begitu..

Bro Rain: Zie.... dia suci dari dosa2... suci bersih

Aku: Tapi Bro..... Aziya tak puas nak bermesra dengan arwah

Bro Rain: Zie.... dia kini dah bahagia.. Sudah tiada lagi derita yang ditanggungnya di dunia.

Al-Fatihah....

Lahub Bin Ahmad

In grief.....

Al-Fatihah

Yesterday, all my Father's relatives are shocked and disbelief of sudden departure of Allahyarham Yahya. Uncle Yahya whom i'd consider one of my close uncle had passed away in peace yesterday early morning.

Uncle Yahya an ex-Teacher who had married to my Father's little sister, Robedah died because of stroke at Tawau. He has 5 children. I'm a close "cousin sister" to his elder child Uzair who currently studied here at Uniten.

My Dad went to Sabah early this morning as his personal visit and he currently present in the first Tahlil ceremonies. I wish I could be there and sit beside my aunt. But, not "everyone can fly"

It's really shocked to everybody that he had left us in his early 40's. We didn't expected that. But we believe Allah love him more than us. All my prayers goes to him and his beloved family.

Ya Allah, aku memohon agar Kau terus melindungi keluarga arwah dan kuatkanlah diri mereka agar mereka terus dapat melalui kedukaan yang telah Kau uji dalam hidup mereka dan kami semua.

Al-Fatihah.....

In Loving Memory

Luciano Pavarotti, whose vibrant high C's and ebullient showmanship made him the most beloved and celebrated tenor since Caruso and one of the few opera singers to win crossover fame as a popular superstar, died Thursday. He was 71


"The Maestro fought a long, tough battle against the pancreatic cancer which eventually took his life. In fitting with the approach that characterised his life and work, he remained positive until finally succumbing to the last stages of his illness."

Terri Robson (Pavarotti's manager)

"No one could inhabit those acrobatic melodies and words like him. He lived the songs, his opera was a great mash of joy and sadness; surreal and earthy at the same time. Even when the voice was dimmed in power, his interpretative skills left him a giant among a few tall men."

Bono, U2

May his soul rest in peace

photo credits: AP

article credits: Coleen Berry (AP)

Condolence

With deepest symphaty and grief, i give my personal condolences to all the family that lost their love one in the most horrific accident in history. Al-Fatihah and rest in peace......




T Krishnan, 46, (Kuala Ketil, Kedah)

Padliz Ahmad, 22, (Jasin, Melaka)

Josli Arshad, 39, (Jambatan Duyong, Melaka)

Rohizan Abu Bakar, 36, (pemandu bas - Kulim, Kedah)

Nazri Noordin, 35, (Ayer Itam, Pulau Pinang)

Pang Tee Min, 58, (Melaka)

Mohd Yazid Md Yusoh, 22, (Jasin, Melaka)

Zuliyani Buang, 25, (Tanjung Keling, Melaka)

Md Basri, (Merlimau, Melaka)

Shahril Afendi, 22, (Alor Star, Kedah)

Sundaram Priyasamy, 31, (Tanah Merah, Jitra, Kedah)

Siti Sophia Ismail, 23, (Alor Star, Kedah)

Norsharumiza Khairy, 27, (Kulim, Kedah)

Teoh Kee Song, 34, (Padang Temusu, Kedah)

Cheng Chun Joo, 37, (isteri Teoh)

Kamis Said, 62, (Masjid Tanah, Melaka)

Zaitun Bachik, 58, (isteri Kamis)

Abu Bakar S Ali, 27, (Medan, Indonesia)

Sri Asiah, 32, (isteri Abu Bakar)

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