The Ramadhan that I'll remember

In few hours … Or maybe in few minutes (depending on what time the post will be uploaded), the blissful Ramadhan will waive his goodbye and I simply will missed him as this year Ramadhan marks countable of tremendous challenge in my life.

Forgive me for not writing anything during this month as I don’t have the intention to write anything, just try to give all by myself to God, in hope for his divine love and forgiveness for I’d done wrong so far… however, there’s a moment that truly captured my emotions, which some are beautiful, lovely, valiant, and vulnerable. But not forgetting…. sadness.

As I continue carrying the stamp of JOBLESS on my forehead, I’d learned the value of finding the true friends that willing to stay in your fragile heart. Most of them forget me instantly *I don’t blame them* and some of them understand what I’d gone though. I make friends with few new people and I’d learned that they do suffer more ridiculously compare to my problem. Facing the same situations but in different environment. I’d learned to identify the person that is full of greed, hungry to gain popularity / money and power. But what conclusion I can conclude…. I’m just a pitiful person, a jobless, broke and unnoticed.

I do fight for something they had done wrong over me. I couldn’t tell how the hell I found a gut to fight for my rights. Unfortunately, thing aren’t going on my way… I might self tarnished my good name sooner. I might find more difficulties to finding a job. One thing that my Dad told me while he drives me home from Industrial Affair Commissioner (as he is the one that propose the legal fight *who am I kidding anyway*)…

“It’s not them that raised and paid you. I did!”

I, myself gave a blank expression to him, the way he uttered the words… sorry, that just funny to hear. It sounds like I’m a daddy’s girl. I never am your daddy’s girl. You’re the one that taught me to be an independent daughter. I’d just follow your wisdom of advice but never follow a “decision” made from you. But thanks for everything for paying my educations bills, my Master’s fee and my car. You do have indifferent thoughts on what I want to be. You think that I’m not going to make it. Few things contradict occurs on the way you tell who am I to your dearly friends. But then I’m matured enough to “accept” the fact that I wasn’t good enough. Yes, I hate my previous job. But nobody could do a better thing like what I’d done. I guess it’s just a vein of an unnoticed personal achievement. Bleh!

By the way Dad, I love you. Although you know it or not… I just want to know that I’m grateful to be independent. I take your advice and implement it on my daily basis. I’m a workaholic like you too. You just didn’t know that. Yes, I’m sick most of the time… it’s because I work too hard dealing with stress I’d gone through. My kidney is weakening but I’m stronger enough to face the world.

I’m not sure if I’m stupid enough to make this decision…

“I’ll pursue Phd by next year. I’m going though it the hard way as the time I’m doing my Master’s. I have a dream to earn a Phd before I’m 30”.

Unfortunately, I’d calculate the possible duration of PhD completion if I want to enroll myself in next year admission… I might get one in 4-5 years time… I’m 27 by this year. So, do the math. :p

Yes, I want to be a teacher, lecturer… or anything in education line. I love teaching, I love research, and I love knowledge. People never asked me on what I want to be. So this is it… a true confession from my heart.

This Ramadhan also mark an indication on how my relationship with one of my close friend that I think that he’d went away from me. I wasn’t sure if he’s the one that God had destined me to live with. Never had I in my life someone that willing to meet me again. At one point I told him something that might indicate that we’re not going to see each other again. My intuition influences me that he’s not the one (as I see he is frequently SMS and calling somebody… with gesture like a person in love). In this Ramadhan, we had met each other about 5 – 6 times... I don’t know... I’d lost count literally. Few meet for official reason and the rest it’s just “leisure”. We had Iftar break together, although the time is short.

On our final meet, marks the most special time I’d experienced meeting him (as long as we'd be friends)… We meet in front of a Mosque. After Isya’ prayer. I need to give him some gift from someone. I with my prayer robe (Telekung) and he wear attire like someone is going for solah in Mosque with kain pelikat and kopiah some more. For me it’s just a wonderful moment seeing him. But few times I’d noticed… he is looking away from me few time. I don't know why.... Maybe he’s shy, maybe not interested, maybe I look bad in telekung ;p … It's just that ... I don’t know, I’m not good with judging eye contact… That night is just comfortably cold and soothing….. Ala-ala cerita drama Islamik gitu….

Not that the scenery is like that picture *oh I wish it was....* but then again I'm not sure if he's the one...... Ironically, as I enter my car.. my USB player begin to play this song:-

Close to me
Oh I need you close to me
Loving me
Close to you
How can I get close to you
Help me to

Why can't you see
I would give the world away
To have you by my side
I'm so in need
Each and every night I pray
You'll come and save my life
I would love you
Till the end of time

I think of you
Every moment I go through
Thoughts of you
I dream of you
All I have are so many dreams of you
Won't you please come true
Why can't you see
I would give the world away
To have you by my side
Oh I'm so in need
Each and every night I pray
You'll come and save my life
I would love you
Till the end of time

Tell me what you need
Let me give you all of me
Without you nothing's real
You're the reason that I feel

Tell me what you need
Let me give you everything
Every moment I'm alive
Until the end of time

Why can't you see
I would give the world away
To have you by my side
I'm so in need
Each and every night I pray
You'll come and save my life
I would love you
Till the end of time

I would love you till the end of time.......

Am I actually falling in love with him, or at the same time does he feel the same way too? May Allah decide the best for me...... For now, I'm still single.

p/s: I'd attend a flash meeting in my ex-workplace... there I see my ex-crush was one of attendees too.... and he did look at me in surprised..... oh dear, matilah if his wife noticed (dahlah aku ngan wife dia dah rapat dlm online sekarang)... takpe-takpe.. he's just a normal man... btw. he still looks cute like usual ;p

Permanent

I really wish someone would sing this song to comfort me.... I'm shedding some tears hearing David Cook singing this.... Yes I feel like I'm losing someone... I feel like I am all alone...

David Cook - Permanent

Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you`ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change even if i tell you i won`t go away today

Will you think that you`re all alone
When no one`s there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head
I`m permanent

I know he`s living in hell every single day
And so i ask oh god is there some way for me to take his place
And when they say it`s all touch and go i wish i could make it go away
But still you say

Will you think that you`re all alone when no one`s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head
I`m permanent
I`m permanent

Is the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you`ll never see me cry

These places and these faces are getting old.

It's uncountable days since I'd left YG. Some of you might know and some you might don't know. Recently, someone had message me this:

"You'd quit your job M'cee, it's a good time you come back to YG. It is used to be you and our lovely home. Please come back.....YG needs you.. It's dead !!! "


Some of people out there had send this kind of msg. to me too:

"A whore like you will remains a whore, you had quit YG because you had problem with *****. Who you think you are? ***** will never give a damn about you. You just an ugly fat asshole. See it for yourself... he really didn't give a damn about you. He is happy out there and he don't need you anymore !!!!!"


First of all, thank you for all the messages. I'm sorry because it takes time for me to read and think about it. I know my decision to left YG is the most outrageous thing that I'd done. I'd said it before, I'm leaving because of my career commitment and I'm getting "old" to run the YG. If I'm a YG Founder I would choose my "new successor" to replace me. The problem is I'm NOT the Founder. I'm just a moderator. I don't have the power. My job is only to kick out some imbecile members from the forum and trace their posting in there.

There you go.... any comments ?

Even though I'd left the place that I really love, it doesn't mean that I'll "leave" and forget everybody in there. I love all of them and thank you for keep in contact with me in other links.

Actually, few months back had teach me something that makes me understand "the pain" of letting go something and somebody that I love before. I'd learned to know who is my truly friend and which is only acting fake to me. I just can wish thank you for everything you had done to me.

Kepada siapa-siapa yang telah menceritakan "keburukan" aku kepada orang2 tertentu. Terima kasih aku ucapkan. Kerana tindakan korang juga membuatkan aku kehilangan kepercayaan orang itu pada aku. Terima kasih, sebab ianya telah membuka mata aku untuk menyaksikan ke"plastikan" orang itu kepada aku. Baru aku sedar... baru aku tahu... apa yang aku lakukan sebelum ini adalah sia-sia sebab kehadiran aku dalam hidup seseorang sememangnya "tidak di terima".

When I know about it. I fell the pain that I'd never felt before and I'd cried because of it. So I decide to left the things that I love and going back to my real home and my real life. Because there is someone that can heal my sadness.

I thought I'd lost my war but I'd won it.... but I'd won it with vein. I still want to give him another chances.

I found this lyric recently. Home By Daughtry (Chris Daughtry's band). I'll dedicate this to everyone I know and I care. I don't regret over life I'd choose. But these places and these faces are getting old. I'm going home. I hope everybody understand :|

Thank you for being a part in my life especially everyone in YG. I'd learn a lot's of thing from you guys.

HOME - DAUGHTRY


I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feels a different kind of pain.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
To the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old.
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.