Darkside - Part 2 = Teach Me To Be Normal?

Currently, I'm sobered for various reasons. Feeling unappreciated,  unloved, unmotivated, unworthiness and fret over my future. I don’t know why I’m scared of things I haven’t done yet. I use to be stronger and I am very much “ready” to deal with any unforeseen issues that will be raised.  A friend of mine uttered the words “postgraduate blues” relating on what I felt right to know. He felt the same way too after he'd received his Postgrad scroll. I don’t know if I could agree on his “term”. What I’d felt is pretty much worst. I could feel it.

Frankly speaking, I decide not to share my current “location” of my job training to anyone except to my families because I’m no longer ready to face the people that I use to love… as he lives quite nearby to my working area. I just can’t believe why I was tested this bad. My heart is shattered as the memories of him and I linger on my mind. I can’t believe I’m this weak and unable to move on. I’d pledged to stay away from him. I’d pledged it….. but………

A few days ago I get a phone call from a friend of mine, invite me for a short reunion dinner (including him too). I guess it’s too rude for me to decline the invitation because the venue is just a few kilometers away from my training hostel and I’m doing nothing after the training hours. My friends including him are verrry yy much surprised when I “come clean” them that I “did” live nearby the venue just for several weeks. They question my decision to keep it quiet from them. Maybe they are worried about me.

The moment that I see the owner of the hazel eyes gazing into my eyes, I know he understands why I did that. He understands it completely. Every time I see his face, it hurts me. I wanted to cry but the ego strikes me. I did “lied” that I’m currently into a relationship. I don’t want to be label as a package of bad luck. Neither by telling truth or lied makes me happy. I’m completely fumbled.

I’ve to take a serious consideration that I’m a dyslexia person. I should take a time to visit a psychiatric to observe my dyslexia levels. I’d live for 28 years and until today I just realized that I’m not a normal people after all. My current kindergarten CEO is very much reluctant to hire me as a kindergarten campus manager because he thinks I’m not smiling most of the time while dealing with parents. I think too much and I put so much effort to understand on any input I’d received and I’m not proactive about it. How can I smile while I'm having a hard time to understand everything they want me to do. I stay passive and only observe the situation just to feed any valuable info I could understand. I’m lack of verbal communications. I had lost so much ability of auditory response, disintegrate to construct a good English phrase / pronounce/ grammar and unable to learned/produce the output that the management wants from me. I’m thinking of quitting the job but……

All these years, I thought my ugly face that makes me unable to smile....

Until today… I don’t know what I capable of. I don’t know what my talents are. I have a fairy world that I’d created just to make me calm. I was a lack of everything. I keep thinking to only to spend every evening to watch the sunset by the sea shore. Because it was the beautiful things that I adore much and I think the sunset makes me happy. However, I’m in an “exaggerated humanity” solidity confinement. I’m in pressure to be marked off what I should do for the hungry society and keep losing myself. The only thing I could do now is writing rant in blog but then I’ll be mock by the grammar perfectionist

Nobody “wants” to be a dyslexic but then I’m in the 5% group of over a million people that suffered dyslexia. What I can do now is crying for nothing, be alone most of the time because I’m afraid people will come to hit and hurt me. I’m very much out from the normal society. Think about it, who wants to live and marry a poor and ugly dyslexic girl. I’ll be unable to understand completely what my future husband demands from me. I might unable to interpret correctly in any info I’ll receive. The in-laws will hate me. I’m sorry I’m having such a low self-esteem. I never ashamed to shared about it because I’m not normal. I deserve a professional help. 

I wish to embed this in my head. I’M DYSLEXIC BUT I HAVE A HEART TOO.

Round up.... wrap up!!

Okay... it's been a while...

I've been studying hard from April to mid of May and I manage to complete my 2nd semester final exam... *sigh*... I must admit that I'm having difficulties to cope up with 4 subjects this semester compares to 6 subjects taken on previous semester (last year). I think I made a mistake here and there. Because others take a huge advantage over me and I'd left exhausted to keep the rhythm of the course.

Anyway, Alhamdulillah I'd passed again *wink*... the result aren't that good as expected but I'm officially qualified to commence the dissertation project.

In addition, the struggle of final exam comes to the top level when I found out that my contract as Science Officer will expire and they decide that there will be no renewal of my contract nor to make me a permanent staff.. It's just so heartbreaking because I'm gonna lose my job and I'll no longer have a stable financial support. I haven't received a proper one month notice and the letter only come 1 week before actual date of termination, to make it worse the date on the letter are fucking "backdated"... I'm seriously oppressed by their acted, management and decisions. Hope God will deal them good enough to make them suffer. Don't call me childish but yes... everything is unforgivable. Sorry....

So, during the exam week... most of the time I'd acted quietly... like a mental disorder kid after get her ass kicked in the asylum and try to do everything on my own.. I do have my study group but I only joined them if I'm ready for any conversations and questions. I hope they understands me..... I thank God, I'm wiser enough to realize that there's a big exam coming up and I'd depended on my "emergency" determination to performed as good as I could..

Alhamdulillah I'm passed... Thank you Allah

So currently, I'm jobless right know... with nowhere to go... The dissertations will commence on September and I need to find some fund to pay the semester fees.... Please get easy on me Lord!

Insyallah, I'll post up special rants about my previous Birthday and of course my current "love and friendship" story.... so stay tuned ;)

The cracking cocoons

This few weeks I find myself living in the dark... fearing myself of uncertainty. I keep questioning myself when will I get out from stereotypical days of my life of been bullied or criticized for nothing, and push myself hard to explore other things that might be the best place to glaze myself and fulfill the hope of my beloved people in my life.

At this moment I prefer to keep quiet and focus about making change of my life personally. With few knowledge that I'd gained, I decide to adding another opportunity in my daily life. Few things I need to sacrifice in order to move myself up for challenge. As my feet start to marching few inches forward, the things called 'doubt' bugging me.

"Are you really serious for doing this ?"

"Does your parent's know ?"

"You'll never make it !!!!"

Honestly I'd shed few tears of hatred from the moment I know that I'd adsorb myself for letting my negative side conquering me and let other vicious and malicious snoob taking advantage of it.
Then I sit back and think that my mother does it worsen than what everybody say about me but I could take her offensive critique.. But, why in the hell I'm not stronger enough to kick out that nasty poop ? Or it's just me that still chill about it?.. I don't know. Or.. maybe I'd learn the terms "COOL" ? Mom, thank you for teaching me to be tough. Now I know why you do that. Because you love me.

At least some close friends understand of what I'd suffered and they "know" the real deal that happened. They hug me and motivated me to make a change of myself and seeding the stronger value and teamwork in me.

Today.... I'm crazy enough to burst the "pathetic" wrath in me and move on drastically.. in order to find something better in my life and ignoring the bitch talker. I never done that before.... I just can't bear myself for giving a lack of love to my family, although I'd gained few success in life. My motivation is very secret because I want to hold it very tight before I'll share it with others.

There are few special people had gave their support on me. I thank you all for cracking my cocoons of freight. Two of them are my strongest supporters. Actually I'd reach the 1st goal of "obstacle" in few days. I watch it with disbelief. I can't even walk for a few moments and again shed my tears to Allah for allowing me to change my fate to be a better woman. Alhamdulillah.... Allah is on my side... Alhamdulillah !!!

Next day that comes, will offer me for another challenges. I've gotten my strength and I'll do it without turning back.... again, without turning back.


p/s: Few days I'm working until near to midnight. Drive back feeling alone and helpless and now I don't mind drove back late from work because I can promised my Mom and Dad that I'll make her happy. O Allah, help me to reach my goal.

Bloom in the vein as it's........

Boy.... It's been more than a year I'd turn myself as a career woman. Few days ago, Abah handed over the Convocation letter for my Bachelor Degrees (Bsc. in BioMedicine). I can sense that he's happy while receiving the letter at his office. Mom is already seeking for a new tudong's to wear at the convocation next month. Finally after a long time waiting.... I'll wear the prestige "Chimere" @ academic robes for the second time. I hope that I'll have another opportunity to wear it again for Master's and PHD's convocation.. with God's will *smile*

Last year, I keep thinking that if I'd make a huge mistake by choosing to work instead of pursuing Master. My smile gone a lil' sour when seeing few friends went abroad and doing the Master's program and some of them doing MBBS. While me, earning myself some good money as I need to clear out few debts and enjoy myself (Yeah right.... ;p). But, I still "feels" that I'd left behind.

No..no.. I'm not tripping myself and let the envy cultivated the brain. My economical situation leads me to other options. I'm not ashamed to say that money that makes me go around... merry go around.. merry go around.... but now I'm a little bored (still I'm flat broke). In "grateful" I say to God that I don't want to be forever like this. There is something missing in my purpose of life. Not something that leads to becoming greed and powerful. There is something about "Medical Research" that needs me grow new passion and keep learning.

Seeing my other cliques that holds her Degree few years back and still doesn't have an opportunity to furthering her study in Master and she's "dying" to do it to. But the opportunity weren't on her side until today.

My cliques say enjoy your life while you can before you're ready to commit yourself in relationship (it sound like a commit suicide to me). 30's in the new 20's (because in your 20's you're still flat broke and shamelessly mama's boy / daddy's girl, in 30's if you're still looks spoil like a children.. please smack your ass ).

I don't consider myself as daddy's girl because both Abah and me, we are always have something to argue. By the age 16, I'd decided to study abroad and he's disappoint over my decision. By the age of 18, it is me who still decide to choose my study path. (The decision is very crucial as the I'm entering a different field from my SPM background which is entering Medical Research instead of doing Electric & Electronic Engineering in SPM). Although I've to bear with study loan afterward. Abah had sold his motorcycle for the pre-science fees before I get the full loan and Abah pays the monthly car loan for 4 years until I'd take it over few months ago.

In few teens blog I'd read quietly, they mostly rants about an itsy-bitsy assignment had nearly screwed their mind for not "having a free time". What about Le Grand assignment, what will happened if you pursuing Master's or Phd's? Assignment will comes to you like flies and maggots. Interesting thing that I found that sometimes the teens wondered why in the heck their choose that particular field for their Diploma's or Degree's and how they feel regret of doing it? Please children.. take a deep breath and always remember that you'll stop learning until the day you're death... a real death, not "legally death" to allow you to be vitrificate with Cryonics Dewar full with liquid nitrogen in hope you'll extend your live and get your "disease" cured in the future. Reminds me of Vanilla Sky thou'.....

My eye brow's raise as some teenager crying in vein because that when they had done bad in SPM makes them loosing a "friends" and "worlds":. WTF ??? I'm doing bad in SPM too (although none subject's fails) and I get back up from after a harsh judgment. Just leave those nincompoop and force yourselves to work better and better for your future undertakings.

I'm not praising myself. As I've gotten a little "cuckoo" for doing my Diploma and Degree in 5 years non-stop. Ignored for not having a "good time".......

Okay... okay.. I lied... I'm having a good time... I'd become Vince Chong's paparooootzziiiss for 5 years and retired. Pity.... Something that I do for fun <---- Duh... it's still something fun to do ;p Within this two months many of my cliques starting to show their interest of direct selling. Wallets, bags, slimming girdle (Like I'm wearing currently), textiles and many. Some had shown their remarkable progress and some are still doing it slowly. Me, still watching and learned few things from them. At the moment I'm not interested with the direct selling stuff specifically MLM. I'm trying hard not to get influence on the wrong side of this kind of business. The good thing is, if you really focused with MLM... you're gonna be damn rich. More than our Prime Minister or few CEO's wages. Within 2 years you're already switch to a brand new car. A lament tag-line for MLM. MLM people loves to take their picture and show off with their eye popping car... you'll see it on the brochure and paper at least. Oh... talked about their face smirks , now go ordered your gold platted casket...... opppsss ;-p Now.. let me dream to be rich... muhahhahhhahh

The day I knew the meaning of "Joy"

Last Tuesday (11/9/2008) marks the happiest day of my life. The 7 month of devastating task finally paid off. I remember when the day I'd entered UNISEL, straightly I'd severely fall sick (calf's muscle rupture) for about 4 months. During that time I wasn't sure I could fulfilled the task given by the faculty. Addition, I'd been critiqued to the "things" that I couldn't ran away from it. God knows I'd cried and I'd fight myself to coordinate and lift up all the heavy apparatus in the laboratory... I'd ditch morphine, ponstan and all heavy medications because I know it weren't mean anything to cured my injury (Physiotherapy is the real way). In early months, I've been misunderstood by the people that giving their high hopes to me. But this days around, I knew they were happy... really happy.

Last Tuesday I'd received the Purchase Order (P.O) from the Treasurer just to buy the Apparatus needed for the laboratory. 85% of the order comes from my own "experience" as a ex-MLT student. Still new in the lab business. Even I didn't "convo" yet, but screw it- let's do it ! (I couldn't get enough of Richard Branson). I've huge crush over laboratory apparatus until I could remember all the apparatus I'd "worked" with before. I'm glad that the faculty gives freedom for me to choose the apparatus brand/type that I want as they believe I could do it. The remains percentage is from the expert views... my friend lecturer, SJMC's & Sri Kota's friends and Mr. Yusof from PTPL, Shah Alam. I just can say.. thank you all.

Waiting for the P.O is one of the challenge pheewww... around 4 months waiting. I remember my fellow lecturer Azizah crossed her fingers to get Graphite Atomic Absorption Spectrophotometer (AAS). We had "fight" hard to find the specs of these machine and "debate" ourself on why the heck we want it soooooo damn bad ! Now both of us girls really happy to see the AAS P.O

It's been honored to see all my lucky distributor feels the "joy" when they received the P.O from me... some of them have to wait 7 freaking months just to get the P.O. Ann, Siew Keng, Connie, Yuda, Nasib, Tareq, Renny is some of my lucky distributor. Sometimes I feel really lucky becoming a Science Officer.. I've a lot's of friends now.. multiracial lagik !!!! Some of them is already become my good friends... we had share lot's of ideas and opinion. I know lot's of thing about their job and lifestyle. Sales Marketing is not an easy job. But I love to see they traveling here and there to meet the clients like me.

At this moment.. I could see everyone wants to bow to the almighty God on how joyful they are now. Me included. I couldn't stop smiling. I'd nearly cried when holding that sacred P.O !!! This is the first successful peak of my career. Few more to comes and I'll be ready for the next obstacle. With Gods will !!!!

So, how much the P.Os worth?... First P.O batch is already worth more than half-million... few batch to comes.. and two new courses will "joined" the faculty. I couldn't wait to vamped the laboratory !!!!

I wasn't sure if I'm able to catch up with my Master's courses next year (kalau dapat).. UiTM will moved the Faculty of Medicine / Health Science to UiTM 2 (near to Puncak Alam). Aiseyman.. tempat aku accident high collision dulu. Gila aku tak trauma nanti ?!

Ko Hengat Niee ????

The first Ramadhan in UNISEL

Hello beloved readers... first of all I would like to wish Salam Ramadhan to all my Muslim's readers. Today marked 10th days of fasting... time's fly people *smile*.

This year Ramadhan also marked as my first Ramadhan as a working class people. Tak mungkin dapat Aziya lupakan. Tahun 2008 nie memang banyak dugaan buat Aziya.. because I've to deal with my severe sickness and some worst experience as a part-timer worker. I'm not talking about being a part-timer in UNISEL.... but it's about my previous job with "Rocco Siffredi"... Alah you knowlah kan?.. Malas to mentioned it here.

It feels blessed to get a job that I'd never dreamed of. Although not going to my Bachelor's convocation yet... I guess my job is one that people dream to work in *smile*. Million thanks to several people that wished me luck and keep supporting me. I must tell you, I memang kerja bermula dari bawah. Tak banyak benda membantu. Kurang fasiliti, kurang kemudahan ICT heheh.... Jatuh bangun makmal fakulti Bioperubatan adalah tanggungjawab I dan staff FBSK. By giving me a chance to "colored" the lab facility really flattened me. I must thank them for giving their full trust to me to deal with purchasing all the Biomedical equipment needed for the. I'm dealing with Million Ringgit tender people !!!

Working as Science Officer really had polished my communications skills. Meeting with distributor, staff, students and other people challenge my "bashful" characteristic. I do making friends with distributor that sells equipment. Malay, Chinese, Indians etc. Oh, I'd meet one distributor from United State too. Mengeletar kaki okeh !!!!

Having Ruby as the sidekicks really rocks the laboratory. We keep helping each other !!

Other staff is like a second family. I must say I'm working in a non-stressful environment. "Doing your own thing" basically. Having your own room,

Excitingly "Over" doing all the decorations like your own home.... *proud*

It's a perfect place to sleep... err resting hehe...

Of course Halle my girly expensive (>100K) phantom got her own port too !!!! She's the perfect mascot for our Halloween decorations. She keep "scares" people who visited our room *laugh*

What do I feel about my first Ramadhan in UNISEL?

Pretty miserable...

I'd just fully covered from long "10 days" flu & fever. A surprise thing. This is a BIG challenge. Ruby fall sick on the second week of Ramadhan. Still, she still having some left-over flu. Some staffs expecting newbies in their family. Ahh.. it's a baby bloom season *laugh*

Nothing to tell about me currently. As promised I'd attached few pictures of my office. Click to enlarge please. I'm counting another 19 days (29th September) for my 2 weeks Eid-Mubarak trip to Sabah yipppeee !!!!



Selamat Berpuasa Everyone !!!!!



p/s: Turning to a career women really makes me forget about few activity I'd missed. I'm not sure if the "past" memories missed me.

How I maintain the beats...

Hello everyone....

6 days I'd abandoned this blog *laugh*... I blame my laptop for it ;p (kejam kan empunya laptop nie?). I'm working without my life savior @ heart (yeah right... baru sekarang nak puji) for nearly a week. I understand my laptop is verrrryyy old school (since 2003). But in this current situation I haven't gotten the so-called high-tech-office's PC yet (tired of waiting !) Hence, my task is like doing a medical thesis. No wonder the laptop "boycotting" me because I've to sulk him 12 hours per day.

I can say that the peak of my career will be happen next week and more weeks to come. I have to prepare myself in front of the Madam Treasurer and justify to her why I need to purchase lot's of laboratory things that cost Million and more ! Duh ! Talk about my ultimate goal *laugh*

Honestly they know that the lab is still like a "padang jarak tekukur". So I need to filled the lab with things that supposed to have in the laboratory. I can name the few that needs to buy quite urgent.... like Refrigerator, Histology Center Machine, Centrifuge, Atomic Absorption Spectrophotometer, CO2 Incubator, Water Purification System etc. etc.. How to run the lab without those thing? What I must do to keep the live culture, blood, chemical and sera ?... We need a refrigerator and freezer (don't you dare imaging the refrigerator-type in your house ! ;p)

Losing the my "sweetheart" temporarily maybe makes me loose some working beats. I need to cope the task .... I prefer to finished the task given on the same day. If not... I can't sleep well.

Oh no! ... what to do ?? what to do ??

Well... I did find the solution.. but the risk is.. I might make other staff feel irritating with it *laugh* ...

The solution is... borrowing other staff's PC for few hours !!!!! Warning.. this act is suitable to make the staff feels annoyed by you *laugh*

Lucky me... the staff that I'd borrowed her PC is on MC for a weeks. So I can have some quality times doing the job......... tee heeeee !!!!!! Even if she comes to work... She will happily lend me her PC for one hour... (Means.... I need to type / print everything pretty fast and accurate *sigh*)

To make this story shorter.. I manage to finish everything in 2 days.. Including perform the final calculations of all product needs to be purchased (for every course). Mind you I'm not an extremely meticulous ... thanks to Excel *wink*. To count a list that nearly 500 things (not include how much unit to purchase per items) and cost more than Million... I'll accidentally kill myself if doing all the calculations manually. Lagi2 kalau ada genetic root of short term of memory loss.... takut !!!!! Hats off to all accountants *laugh*.

Lagi kelakar... I own a scientific calculator, not a basic calculator. With small display with dozens of key pads.. Comparison of making mistakes is 2:3

So damn "scientific terrific hor" ??? Mampus merk nak kontrol jari bak main piano !!!!

Well finally the work is done.. I'm patiently waiting to meet Mdm. Treasurer if I have too. Expected to get all the items in next two months .. with God's will *smile*

Chen wants to know how's my table (especially the flower) look like... Since the digital camera that I frequently use is currently in my father's hand. I only snapped with my camera phone.. not a good shoot for indoors scene. But this picture is taken two weeks ago... now my table looks more adorable (not until the office's PC come anytime soon *wink*) I'll post the recent one in couple of days !

Oh.. the black board for my sticky notes.. I'd decorated it myself *self praise* LOL

The board's now is 45 % full.. not likely same as this picture *laugh*

A MUST have in the Office... Now, some of the items I'd put it on the side table behind my seat. Look at my pretty orchids.. two genus in one vase. They still look same as the day my friend buy it 3 weeks ago. Sorry for the picture quality :(

My set is covered with a wool blanket (pretty comfort) given by my mom after she comes back from performing Haj few years ago. I use it when I feel extremely cold in my room.

Next few days... picture with better quality comes in this blog hahahahaha... oh not forget the other flowers and the whole section in the room.. I'm sure some of you wants to see how's Halle the sole girl phantom doing nowadays *laugh*

Being Aziya

*This post might be longer than expected... it is depends on the Author moods ;p

HIRED!

Hello Euphorians,

This few days I feel happy and gaining lot's of effort after I'd received my full employment contract. I'm now have my steady career and Thanks to God for hearing my prayers and wish.

I'm now working as a Science Officer (Pegawai Sains) in UNISEL Shaha Alam. 3-years contract with 6-12 months probation. But for me, it's not really a big deal because I'm very committed and I'm working in a non-stress environment, having my own room with one new staff. We already get along well. I'd learned to making friends with everyone (staff and scientifical company distributor) with their own different attitude. Ah! feeling bless already. Thanks for the congratulations wish *smile*.

Ella my BFF on the other hand feels the same way too. She already gets her "working rhythm". Although been busy nowadays, I can sense she feels happy about it. She's my BFF right?

In different situations, Dad as a senior HR Manager in his working place had gives me his point of view on what I should do with the salary given for my future needs. I wasn't sure if his P.O.I makes me burden, but being me... I look it into the positive side. After a small chatting with him. He'd listed down few things I should do in this/next month.

1) Personal Insurance
2) ASB Loan (different from a normal ASB savings)
3) Tabung Haji
4) Car loan
5) Education loan
6) Mom (don't ask... ;p)

With his advice... I might "manage" to have at least RM 1000 for my personal needs/saving each month. The rest is for the investment he'd talked about. So it's up to me to choose which offers that suits me the best *smile*

Dad knows his little girl is really lazy to bring her asses to bank to make a payment bla..bla..bla Everything must use Internet Banking punya, what's the point owning an Internet connection at home? "Daddy and his little girl" will use it to pay all the bills with it (adding.. for personal pleasure too) *laugh*

and.. he doesn't think I want to have my own credit card either. I might consider to have a "cash card" instead. I'll ask his help to "swipe" his credit card if I need to buy something or.. booking a flight.

REGRETTED...... NO ?

Few days ago.... I'm having some sisterhood conversation with my older sister. With 6 years age differential, we never feels that age makes us to act and converse differently. Hence, both of us really understands each other. Sisters keep each other secrecy and emotions.

Being sporting to talked about Malaysian Artist, she knows my "official frenzies" and believe it or not we both a members of Adibah Noor Deeber's Fan Club. But few days ago... she talk to me about my situation with Rock ! After she heard my emotional conversation with my trustee friend about Rock.

Sister: Why now dah takde apa2 between Rock and your clans ?

Me: Aku bawak diri and Rock @@$%%^#&$%^$** (censored)

Sister: What ?

Me: Rock %^%*&(*%$##*&*(^%%$%^ (verrry the censored okeh)

Sister:Jadi, kau dah berpatah arang?

Me: Susah nak cakap..... It's like the problem is "channeled" and keep expanding

Sister: Don't you think you regretted of what you'd done ?

Me: What makes me regret about it? ... Aku lakukan semuanya seikhlas hati aku. I've a good time during that time and with my clans too.

Sister: Sayangnyeeee.....

Me: I'm old for it already.. my career is expanding. I have my own life now. Aku akan sentiasa doakan terbaik untuk dia.

POWER AND INFLUENCES

During my visit to UNISEL BJ (very impressive Staff room i say) to meet my "Ibu angkat" Mama Kay a senior lecturer and reporting my duty to HR for working in UNISEL Shah Alam. I'd learned lot's of things from her about higher ranked people using their Politic influences in disastrous way. Mostly it occurs in government sector. Some people can't lived without using politic as their foods just to bring down other innocent and wiser people as "their presence" might threatened them to become more powerful. My God! all I can think is some people is getting paranoid living in a Politic world. When is the time people can use Politic in a good way. Halal kah mata pencarian mereka ? The important thing they should know that politics isn't counted when they forever demised... In the grave to be exact.

All she can say to me is... just stay away from them and do your own things. Let God do his work. Just don't let people use us for their importance. Don't be a busybody person and as it "might kill us" later. Now I know why I liked my workplace better. We just working quietly to serve the student who wants to gained their knowledges.

The important thing is... I'M FU**ING HAPPY

5 minit sahaja....

Mei... sepatutnya menjadi bulan kegemaranku setiap tahun.. Tapi tahun ini.. aku rasa amat agak pelik. Mungkin sebab aku dah terbiasa tidak menyambutnya ataupun aku rasa umur 24 tahun nie menjadikan aku berbeda dari diri aku dahulu.

Bukan aku menganggap ianya akan memberi kesan negatif buat kehidupan aku. Aku cuma rasakan.... anjakan "paradigma" mereka berumur 24 tahun nie adalah suatu yang agak sukar diceritakan... mahupun dibahaskan. Seolah-olah aku perlu mencari sesuatu sebagai persediaan untuk menjadi wanita berumur 25 tahun kelak.

Tapi apa ?... mencari teman lelaki ?... aku tidak kisah pun kalau tiada... Mempunyai kerjaya yang baik ?.. aku berdoa agar aku mendapat kerja tetap di tempat aku bekerja sekarang. Adakah aku bersedia untuk mengambil Master ?... Bersedia atau tidak aku meredah sahaja kesukaran belajar (seperti yang berlaku ketika aku mengambil Bachelor Sc).

Tapi aku tahu bahawa aku perlu membebankan diri aku lagi dengan hutang PTPTN dan MARA. Aku terfikir bagaimana keadaan rakan-rakan ku yang menyambung pengajian di bidang Master dan M.B.B.S. Tentunya perasaan cemburu itu ada kerana mereka kelihatan gembira menyambung pelajaran di luar negara. Dalam hati aku, aku pun mahu juga menjejakan kaki ke luar negara.

Persaingan untuk mendapatkan sertifikasi tertinggi dah mula menusuk ke dalam tulang keras semua manusia. Semakin tinggi pengiktirafan semakin "bangga" seseorang itu. Aku pun mahu juga mengambil Master dalam masa terdekat. Tapi sumber kewangan aku tiada. Mungkin ada hikmahnya

Hari ini aku berkenalan dengan seorang Pensyarah yang agak senior yang datang untuk temuduga di tempat kerja aku. Sebagai orang berpengalaman, sedikit sebanyak aku mendapat peluang untuk mendengar pandangan beliau mengenai situasi pelajar sekarang.

"Orang yang mendapat CGPA cemerlang... ramai yang tidak dapat mengadaptasi suasana pekerjaan," kata beliau.

Aku tersentak.... aku ingat orang2 yang mendapat CGPA tinggi @ valedictorian mudah untuk survive dan mereka selalu di padang tinggi oleh masyarakat kita. Belum sempat aku bertanya, beliau menjelaskan....

"Orang-orang yang berkelulusan sederhana adalah orang yang paling berjaya di dalam pekerjaan. Apa guna kalau cemerlang teori tetapi gagal menyesuaikan diri di alam pekerjaan ? Tipulah sekiranya mereka tidak ada sedikit perasaan "hebat" kerana mempunyai kelulusan cemerlang, sudah berani mendabik dada dengan kelebihan mereka".

Aku bertanya apakah yang membuatkan beliau berkata bergitu. Dia menjawab...

"Graduan zaman ini tidak ramai yang mahu bermula dari bawah. Tanggapan mereka apabila mendapat Master mahupun Phd. Mereka sudah boleh besar kepala dan tidak mahu belajar dari bawah. Saya sudah selalu melihat perangai2 mereka ini. Setakat mahu buat Praktikal di Hospital sudah mahu tunjuk bahawa.. dia sebagai Dr. perlu dihormati. Bagai mahukan first-class attention,"

Beliau bagaikan faham dengan situasi aku yang terpaksa menyimpan keinginan untuk menyambung Master. Dia berkata.

"Adalah lebih baik kamu bekerja dulu dalam setahun dua kerana pengalaman itu perlu sebagai bekalan Master nanti. Jangan terlalu fikirkan berapa gaji yang akan kamu dapat. Tapi fikirkan setarafkah kamu dengan wang yang akan diterima. Saya takut kalau gaji saya RM 4000 tetapi pengalaman saya tidak sehebat gaji. Kebanyakan graduan zaman sekarang berlumba mendapatkan Phd. hanya semata-mata mahu mendapat gaji yang hebat. Tapi realitinya.. mereka mundur kerana kekurangan pengalaman kerja. Kualiti menjadi graduan yang banyak pengalaman sudah kurang. Graduan kita sekarang lebih bijak dalam teori sampai setengah mati menghafal nota-nota, tetapi apabila bekerja .... tiada kualiti yang dituntut !!!"

Aku tersenyum sendirian... terasa diri ini tidaklah di anak-tirikan dengan "tuntuan dunia" yang menghasut pemikiran orang-orang bahawa.. pelajar2 Valedictorian adalah insan terunggul dunia dan terpuji. Virus-virus serta sindrom Valedictorian sudah terjangkit dalam masyarakat kita, sekiranya tidak cemerlang.. ibubapa akan bermasam muka dan membanding-bandingkan diri kita dengan anak2 yang mendapat keputusan cemerlang.

Bulan Mei ini juga menyaksikan beberapa teman ku akan ke jinjang pelamin. Paling menghairankan... ada yang terpaksa berdiet mati-matian dengan harapan agar mereka nampak "cantik" di pelamin. Ahhh takutnya aku... Kalau macam inilah "tuntutan" masyarakat nak tengok kecantikan pasangan pengantin. Aku give-up mencari jodoh... kerana aku bakal menghipokritkan diri aku sendiri dengan menjadi "cantik" di pelamin... namun selepas itu kita akan hodoh di kehidupan selepas berkahwin. Kenapa? tengoklah kes penceraian sekarang.. kenapa wanita2 cantik tidak bahagia. Apa kekurangan mereka ? Modified cantik punya.. of course lelaki suka.. tapi tak jodoh tak kuat... aku hairan.. bukan kah memilih benda yang cantik adalah fitrah manusia... tapi.. sebenarnya istilah cantik tue bukan cantik body, rupa, seksi, tak cukup kain... itu meningkatkan nafsu syahwat namanya ;p !!!!!... Memang ramai dikalangan kita nie buta cinta ... tengok yang cantik je, mesti dapat respon bagus ... lepas tue tgk ada yang lagi cantik.. habis madu sepah dibuang...



harrr... Selisih Malaikat 44

In previous 2 weeks

Hello.... welcome back. Sorry Aziya amat busy dalam dua minggu nie. This blog seems.. a bit dead hehehehe...... btw. I ain't gonna write much. Just to let you know my current activities previous week.

Last 2 week... my lil' adopt niece Adanie has been admitted to HTAR, Klang due to lungs infection. We don't know that lil' Adanie is an asthmatic baby. Mom had noticed she had "wheezing" sound in her lungs and ask my sister to bring her to HTAR. She's currently in HTAR and I'm not sure when she'll be release from ward. Mom and dad is Adanie's loyal visitor in ward. Not surprising these two loving birds will go to Tom Yam's restaurant every night after visiting her and sometimes they forgot to "tapau" me Nasi Pattaya !!!

I only visit Adanie once because I'm in exam mood. When I'm in "Exam mood", I'll be the most homely person you'd ever meet. Hehehe.........

Adanie in my mom's lap

Last Saturday my long lost friend Suhaimi "ajak" I to attend our high school first pre-ALUMNI meeting. FYI, Aziya dulu belajar dekat Sekolah Menengah Teknik Kuala Selangor located in Bestari Jaya (Previous known as Batang Berjuntai). Live in hostel for 2 years there, which is in year 2000-2001. My batch is the 2nd Batch of SMTKS. So kira pioneer batch jugalah. If I'm not mistaken, sekarang dah sampai ke batch yg ke-10. Ahhh.... time surely moves fast than we had imagined.

I haven't meet Suhaimi since after our SPM's examination. After 7 years, we reunite back.. hahaha. Imagine how our old friend look like after 7 years lost contact. Makin debab !!! Surely everybody sudah bekerjaya. Some still studying in local and abroad. Memang terimbau kenangan lampau after I'd meet Suhaimi and my senior Bro Akmal, Kak Laili and Kak Rina.

While in meeting.. they had nominated me to be a SECRETARY

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*gasp*.....
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Aku allergic betul dengar nama jawatan Secretary. Guess what... I'm now STMKS ALUMNI secretary. Gila lah aku !!!!! I'm trying to demolish the darkness wrath of National Secretary bla..bla..bla... now it has come back to haunt me again.

Now I've to re-adapt myself to a gutsy nutty Secretary's drama.... *mock in horror*
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Previous Monday, I'd received an unexpected call....


Woman: Can I speak to Miss Marziah please

Me: Yes... speaking

Woman: Marziah, I'm Mdm. Huda from UNISEL. We would like to hire you as our part-time laboratory coordinator. Can you come to work tomorrow ?

Me: er... er... er... No need interview leh ?

Woman: Part-time job No need to interview...

Me: er.......... okay lah

Damn.. I'm in a exam mood. Why lar they didn't call me in early March? I thought I'll have two weeks "honeymoon" to do a revision. Now I've to start working pulak... Next week Saturday is my final exam wei !!!!

Alahai..... suddenly my time table suffocates me.... Thank God I only work 5 days a week. Can you imagine what will happened in my weekend? I Can't concentrate to read notes while working. Too much work to do... Dah lah I've to do freaking loads of inventory. Interestingly, I haven't see some of the lab apparatus before (like X-ray machine, physiology apparatus, big ass incubator etc. etc.) and I get excited when I hold it. It's hard to imagine how much it costs. Now it's my responsibilities to take care of it.

I don't mind lah.... rezeki comes to me earlier than I thought.... rather I've to work my ass off in my previous job *tsk..tsk* . At least I'm doing something that I like in UNISEL. Hence, If I get my Bachelor's certificate in April. I'm qualified to become UNISEL Medical Laboratory Manager.




Please pray for me ya......

2% of my Lab. Inventory

I'm now working...... !!!!!

Hooray... finally i'm now a working-class people. Rabu lepas menjadi sejarah di mana aku telah ditawarkan untuk bekerja.

Sebenarnya aku minta kerja yang lain dari apa yang aku dapat. Aku nak minta kerja sebagai Sales untuk butik Avon di tempat yang selalu aku beli barangan Avon. Lagipun aku terniat jugak nak hantar resume kepada Avon selepas banyak tempat reject application aku. Disebabkan tension yang amat... aku pun tinjau-tinjaulah butik Avon yang aku suka pergi tue. Then terpampang pulak iklan diorang tentang jawatan kosong as a sales assistant. Aku pun applylah.

Bila kena interview, Boss Avon macam keberatan nak bagi aku kerja untuk position tue. Dia tertanya-tanya... kenapa aku yang berkelulusan Biologi Perubatan nak mintak keja sales aje. Aku pun jelaskan keadaan sebenar dekat dia. Aku perlukan sumber kewangan sendiri untuk membayar final semester fees dan aku pun perlu sedikit wang untuk diri aku jugak. Oh ya tal lupa jugak.. aku perlu hadiri kelas setiap hari Jumaat. Most employer memang keberatan nak kasi cuti. Aku agak-agak dalam 6 bulan nie aku memang perlu kerja sebab aku bosan tak buat apa2.

Then, boss aku pun cakap:-

"Macam nilah, i'll hired you as my contract PA. You help me to do lots of paperwork for NGO. You can work with me until u find suitable job for you"

Pada mulanya aku rasa terkejut dengan offer dia. Sebab, yelah aku datang nak minta kerja kat Avon... then he say:-

"I'm a National Secretary for Malaysian Indian Muslim Council. I'm looking someone to be my PA. When i look at your resume.. it makes me want to interview you for it. Mostly kalau orang nak kerja kat Avon. I'll not spare my time to interviewing them... my wife will decide for that. I don't want to let you work as a Sales. It's a waste. You have a an excellent education background. I know you'd experienced writing thesis and proposal. Now i can teach you to write some official paperwork and i want you to learn all the Federal Constitutions, The World History, The Religion History and some Medical Research. What will you say ???"

Aku pun fikir balik.... That's a good offer. Rather than i've to work my ass over sales thing, I get a job that i've to deal with a lots of research books and computer. I accept his offer, and i start working with him last thursday.

My new face.. damn i should shedd some pounds

So.... the last 3 days, I'm a busy National Secretary's PA. I love my job because i don't need to come to my office early than other people. I'll be at my office around 9.30 a.m to 5.00 p.m . No need to wear "too much casual" outfit. My Boss will let me going home early if there is no important things he want to discuss with me.

The best thing when working with him. He own thousands of books !!!!!!!!!!! . Books like Federal Constitutions, Laws, Sciences & Medicals, Politic Analysis, Computer, Engineering, Religionism etc. I really envy about his habits. My boss is an ultimate Book Worm guy. He's is extremely knowledgable when i asked him a lots of questions. It's like he's born with infinite brain works.

The pictures below shows you some of his book collection. It's only a small part of rack. One side of his office's wall are for book rack only. Kalah library okeh !!!!!

My Boss "library"

My second "office" will be at the Avon's Boutique. My Boss's wife is a Avon Kapar Co-Owner Boutique. I'll sit there half of a day if my Boss want to do a discussion at that place or just hang out with Avon's staff if i got nothing to do. I'd accomplised his first assignment to me.. heheheh

At the AVON's Office

I tell you this... reading lots of book and analyze it can make you darn sleepy. That's was happend to me now. I'll take a short nap where my Boss is not around. Lagipun, 60% of a day i'll sit alone in the office and read the book he asked to read. I'm mentally tired.. i should consider to buy lots of multi-vitamin pills next month.

zzzzzZZZzzzzZZZzZZZ...............

Now i'm extremely busy hehehehe. I might have to follow my Boss to British Council, have a serious discussion about getting a wakaf land at Melaka, help his wife designing her up-coming salon and spa, doing banners for the boutique. Hopefully my wages will rising.... ;)

See ya on the next post !!!!!!!

How's your day....

Finally... an update... Wave your hands everyone... *weeeeeee*

I'm not in the mood to do any blog updates since my late uncle passed away recently (thanks for the condolences msg. you'd sent to me... it's very kind of you). I just spend my time reading other's blog and whoring myself with Facebook (yup... i'd just registered with facebook *sniff sniff* how pathetic..).

I nearly screwed up with the fan club's forum that I'd supposed to take care of. A lot of SPAM messages i need to delete. (BTW, i still keep myself shut up.. i ain't gonna write anything in there). I want to take a break from it.

Few days before, my life is like "The Amazing Race"... I'm sleepless and very tired. Not forgetting the feeling of disappointment had haunted my brain. Thanks to someone who "pujuk" me not to losing my heads just because of somebody else. Although many comes to me, express their frustrating feeling towards "that" somebody. What can I do?...just leave that shit alone or somebody might think we are nasty pest !!!!!

I'm still looking for part-time job actually. Many had comes and some of it aren't the one i'm looking for. Today.. i got a call from my college (MSU) to attend an interview for tutor position this Friday. Okay, that actually surprised me... I didn't applied for tutor position because i still not complete my Bachelor study yet.

Oh.. another thing that freaks me out. I've to prepare my own "teaching module" for that interview. That means in 10 minutes, i should do one subject presentation to all BioMedicine senior lecturer and Dean . No papers... just a marker pen and white board. Aiyah.. they think I'm Dr. Pallavy ke?? The one who never bring any books while teaching. Only come to class with marker pen and jalan berlenggang.

I don't know either to choose Microbiology or Parasitology as my teaching module. I also have a strong background in Haematology. It's very crucial to decide. But Insyallah I'll make it.. I like teaching actually. It's one of my dream job ... (don't laugh !!!)

I'm praying hard for the Tutor vacancies. Hence, I need save some money for my final semester next month, my car, and going for a facial.. My God my face looks terrible. *sigh*


p/s: Ella... wanna go spa with me ????

2 Jobs Interview which i'd turn it down

To all my friends who had recently sms/msg. me for "Good luck" on my job interview (today), thank you for your concern...

But unfortunately... i'd turn down the interview because i feel the job that they had offered to me is not what i'm looking for... I'm not the one who looking a "job" that need to undergo a "test" to show them that i have a potential to become an apperentice for the company.

That's not the job that i haunt for. It's a waste thing that i'd learn BioMedical field nearly 5 years then only become "unfortunate" Management Trainee ????? (call meh a "picky" babe LOL). My dad (who had experienced > 20 years as HR Manager) had gave me a piece of his mind by telling me why i should withdrawn the interview offer.

I've a chat with my Sabahans friend Miming, i'd told her everything about the job specifications and she said "Uiiih na... terkeluar kau dari simpang!!!" ... i only can tell her.. "Memang pun sia terkeluar simpang.. but it's not a impossible to make a "U" turn"...

But ..nak pegi "U" turn balik tue yg payah..... it may take me 2-3 years... and i hate that. I might losing a valuable 3 years.

So yeah.... currently i'm still a "picky" jobless girl. But no worries, because i've to wait for my final Bachelor's CGPA (for Industrial Training)... And I hope the result can secure me as a "Second Class" Degree Honours ... (Okaylah Second Class ... my result's fall down pretty bad after i'd encountered nearly fatal accident in January 2006. I'd missed a lot of class, my brain's "whacked" but i'd managed to score CGPA >2.90 in 4th Semester exams)

I'm sure some of you will asked "What kind of job that this fucktard want???" ...

Okay Bitch, now i'm telling you what kind of job that i want (hahahah...) . I like to be a Product Specialist (Laboratory Equipment/ Analytical machine) . I'll do some homework about the benefits/principal operating of the equipment before i go out and give demonstration to my clients in hospital. It looks like i'm selling the equipment but at least i have the experience using the machine and writing the Machine's Systems of Procedure, so i can convince the client the benefits of the machine.

I'd seen one demonstration made by a Product Specialist (male) in SKMC (the place that i'd undergo a practical recently). I feel like to whip his ass when my staff friend Dewit ask him "what is the test principle of this machine?" and the guy said "U just look in the manual booklah"... What a bloodyfool and stupid is he? He's a Product Specialist and he MUST know the "test principle"... What i can say that the guy is in his mid-30's age and he might have at least 5 years experience and still not able to tell "the machine test principle". Shame on the company that had hired him.. BOOOOOOO !!!

I'd look some of job advertisement for Lab Machine Specialist and most of the requirements they prefer are Bsc. in Science or Chemistry and experience min 1 year. But if you asked me .. Selling Lab Equipment is suitable for students (fresh graduates or some experience) of BioMedicine/ BioTechnology/ Medical Lab Technology/ BioChemistry. Why i'm saying this? is because those students have a good expose in hospital laboratory (max 6 month) and they are learn to handle the machine, perform manual lab test and understand the test principle. The students also have to write their own S.O.P as a requirements that they had understand the test.

The S.O.P that students have to write may ended up >400 pages (like what my 2 friends and I had done while we undergo training in SJMC in 2004).

Okay, the second job that i like to apply is a Researcher. The person have to do a research (culture, health, management etc.) and comes out with the conclusion. Some reseacher have to travel just to gain some sample or respondent etc. (which i found it's extremely cool because i can learn other culture and get ready to make my room another "paper" mess).


Currently i'd sent my resume to my friend Sharm who worked as Researcher in his company (TNS Global). Some of my friends do give their encouragement to me for this job because i'd experience doing my thesis base on Clinical Survey. What can I say is... only Allah who decide what's the best for me and my decision are part of my efforts to gain my own life after graduation.