Looking forward, looking back

 Time for the annual look back - look forward post!  I think I've already quit my New Year's resolutions - or haven't started them yet. I know there's a lot of back and forth about the wisdom of making resolutions, and I suppose I could do a little science experiment and go back over the past 12 years or so of writing a beginning of the year post to assess if I've made any lasting changes. The results would probably be mixed. I know every year I resolve to get more sleep and drink more water, but I haven't yet succeeded. Note that growth mindset "yet" - I'm still trying! But I think in other ways I have made some progress - I like to think I'm a little better at letting things go, at releasing the illusion of control. I like to think that years of saying goodbye have made me a little more grateful for friendship, for beauty, for the time we have. Maybe that's just age.

One thing that is different this year - I have been feeling my age. My feet hurt constantly, my cholesterol is up, my joints are stiff, and my vision is terrible.  I try to avoid looking in the mirror at my wrinkles and gray hair. Worst of all, I catch myself thinking about the kids in ways that are outdated; I have to remind myself they won't live with us any more. For instance, I cleaned out the linen closet and realized I don't need to keep as many twin bed sheet sets and pillows anymore because no one is having sleepovers anymore.  

In between aging and working full time, my fitness resolution is a little different this year because I have to be more intentional about things like getting my heart rate up and stretching. I used to do those things without thinking.  Last year I ran very little. This year I will likely run hardly at all. But I do need to find something to get my heart rate up. My most recent dr's appointment revealed elevated cholesterol, and I firmly believe it is less from a change in diet than a steep decline in vigorous exercise that elevates my heart rate. The solution - plan the time, realizing it doesn't have to be running. I did "Just Dance" with my daughter today and was breathing heavy by the end.

Also new this year: fewer carbs.  Until the last year or so, I was able to eat carbs without ill effect. Now I don't burn the calories I used to burn exercising. The upside is that I don't crave the carbohydrates I used to crave. I started the day with a bowl or two of cereal every day for years and couldn't imagine cutting back. Now I'm lucky if I eat breakfast.  Even so, I've gained weight and lost muscle. Time to cut back on carbs and sugar, woe!  

And of course, drink more water and get more sleep...

In regard to those other pillars of an integrated life - faith, family, academics, and community - I'm really embracing the pilgrims of hope theme for the year promulgated by Pope Francis. We'll be in Rome for our son's wedding this May, so we'll get to experience the Jubilee year opening of the doors. I want to really do some preparation of heart and mind for this, although I haven't really set out how/what to read, etc. We also are talking about making a trip to Lourdes as a part of that European vacation. We were married at Our Lady of Lourdes almost 29 years ago. It seems fitting to make a pilgrimage of thanksgiving. 

In between preparing for that trip and for moving, I will be busy, but with my husband starting his new job, life around the house will be quieter.  I'm hoping to use some of the time to do some of the volunteer things and travel things I've been meaning to do with our 10 year old.  I want to go out with the Mobile Loaves and Fish truck sponsored by a parish near us that serves the hungry in our community and serve donuts on Sundays. That seems kind of simple, but it's a job the church is always asking for help with. 

The other thing I want to shoehorn in with my daughter is visiting a few more of the state parks around here before we move, especially Enchanted Rock, Caddo Lake, and Palo Duro and Big Bend if I can find the time. Enchanted Rock should be easy to do. The other three are farther away, and we'll also be doing some traveling to see the kids/husband some weekends.   

Before I finish up the school year, I want to finish writing out a curriculum map. There was nothing for me when I got here, and working on the vertical alignment of the ELA curriculum has been a goal for the school this year. I'm still trying to match up standards of learning with units for the two grades I teach. It makes me sad to thing here I am finally getting a good handle on our goals and how to reach them when it's time to go. Will I return to the classroom next year? That's something I'm praying about this year. 

I'll also be praying for our house to sell and the grace to trust something will work out with housing if it doesn't. The high interest rates are discouraging.  If we don't sell this house, we'll have a hard time financing a new one, and the rental market is saturated.  Finding and financing housing is always the most stressful part of moving.  The move here in 2021 was particularly stressful because of the post-pandemic shortages in housing and low interest rates that artificially inflated the price of housing. We'll surely lose some and maybe a lot of money on this house.

But blessedly, we have a cushion, and while the financial hit would be uncomfortable, it's survivable. The fires in California are a tragic reminder of how quickly possessions can be lost - and how a house/wealth/stuff isn't what makes life worth living.  Not to diminish the importance of a home, shelter, mementoes, roots - the losses are devastating. But the human heart is resilient and many, hopefully most, if not all, of the people suffering catastrophic losses will find the support and inner determination to start again, even if somewhere else, not in such a lovely but liable place. Or perhaps in the same place, just with more protections - personal hydrants, sprinkler systems, etc. - or more agility to pivot/evacuate quickly.  I was reading about how some of the very wealthy people impacted by the fire have second and third homes to retreat to, but the working class people are struggling to find lodging because landlords are price gouging and charging exorbitant rents.  On the other hand, there are just as many stories about people opening up room in their homes. May the generous side of human nature continue to win out. 

All of these things are cause for prayer.  I'll be praying for answers to big questions, trying to start new habits, find a new home, discern what our newest iteration of life will look like, while at the same time trying to soak up the goodness of our place here, to spend quality time with the friends here, to get to some of the places we meant to visit, to make the most of what we have here before we go. And of course praying for the needs of loved ones and strangers in need. 

Whither thou goest, February?

At the start of the year, I thought I might do more reflective writing in this space, and for about three weeks, that was the case. Then time blew February through the doors of the past like the dead leaves of the live oaks that are just now being shed as the new leaves push out the old growth to be blown away. 

February began, as it always does, with the birthday of our third son. It included a trip to Indiana for a family meeting with my siblings, and it ended with a camping trip with my daughter's scout troop. Some soccer and track were sprinkled in.  We hosted a Mardi Gras party/fundraiser for our daughter's Leukemia and Lymphoma Society fundraising campaign which ended with a gala the third weekend of February.  Then Lent began quietly on Valentine's Day, which we talked about celebrating the day before, but we did nothing extraodinary except eat meat and sweets to get them out of the house.

 

February Track Season begins

I have been guilty of acedia this Lent - I haven't eaten meat, but I am not tempted by it. I have eaten sweets on Sundays and sampled some brownies and crumb cake that I made for others - had to make sure they were fit for consumption - so I haven't really craved them other times. And I told myself I was giving up wine and alcohol, also, but I have not said no to a glass of wine here and there at social events. As far as growing closer to Christ through prayer and giving alms, my attempts have been pathetic. On the positive side, I renewed my efforts to finish the Catechism in a Year with Fr. Mike begun last year - only 80 more days to go.  I made it to confession, and I took a wonderful walk in the woods that renewed my spirits and gratitude for the gifts we have. But my prayer life has never been drier. Much like the dead wood I've been cleaning up around the yard this week during spring break, I feel brittle, dessicated, barren. 

That virtue of gratitude does not come easy to me.  One other thing I thought I would try to do for Lent at which I've failed miserably is to cease my complaining about living here and to counter those negative thougths with renewed attempts to journal at the end of the day about the positive things that happened or moments of beauty, thanksgiving, connection. Just writing this reminds me to pick up what I set down a couple weeks ago when grading and communicating with parents increased at the end of the quarter. While I may not be vocalizing my desire to upend our lives to my husband as much this month, it is still ever-present in my thoughts. Two of our neighbors put their houses up for sale in February, and at least one of them has said they have only had one showing since their home has been on the market. This terrifies me. 

Indecision and rootlessness continue to plague me, as well. I have to commit soon either to returning to the middle school or to trying to pick up the classes I had last year at the community college and the other small college where I was teaching. I have enjoyed the day to day interactions with the middle school students. I have hated the grading and paper work and the late nights that steal my sleep as a result of falling behind on those two chores. I like the convenience of teaching where my daughter goes to school and the interactions with the community and the ability to go to Mass an extra day a week. I miss the material I used to teach and the planning of those courses and the interactions with college students. Every day I question how I am spending my days. Are the hours worthwhile? Are tah

This waffling about purpose was not a weakness of St. Francis Cabrini.  Last weekend we went to see the movie Cabrini with friends followed by dinner out with them. We all commented on St. Francis Cabrini's sense of purpose and passion. The movie downplays her religious motivation, but it celebrates her devotion to her orphan children and her determination. Perhaps that is what I should pray for this Lent. And give to organizations that help orphans. Honestly, the movie made me think about foster care again. As my work as a mother has grown less time consuming, if not less heart and head consuming, I have struggled with the best way to fill that time. 

Meanwhile, all of my adult children are convening at my mother and father's for Easter.  I'm full of envy and woe that we are not planning to go.  Our daughter who is a senior is supposed to be running in the Texas Relays on Good Friday and Holy Saturday. Half of me wants to boycott the meet for being held on these holy days. If it weren't a relay race that involves other people's children, I would. Another part of me wants to allow my adult children to have their grandparents' love and attention without me there to interject my own need for attention from both generations and to celebrate their desire to spend time with their grandparents and each other.  And really, I'm selfish about time with my own parents, while we should get together with my husband's family. All of our adult children will be here at the end of May for their sister's graduation, but I'm full of self-pity from missing out on the Easter celebration. 

February in Indiana

Ft. Packer State Park

One solution is to be more intentional about planning our travel instead of being so last minute about it. I could be tempted to become a nomad, detach from all our worldly goods, and pack just essentials into a van in which to wander from house to house of those we love. Would they get tired of always providing hospitality to someone who doesn't reciprocate? Perhaps the solution is to find a place to put down roots where everyone wants to come to us. That's my Eldorado - the perfect place. 

 

This is rambling and navel gazing, but in the interest of recording something of life, here it is...

Gala going

Looking forward, looking back - Year in Review 2023

 Although January is almost halfway over, it feels like 2024 is still in its infancy. We barely had time to get used to writing 2023 before the new calendar arrived.  My mother-in-law always sends a calendar to her children with the birthdays of family members, anniversaries, and fun little notes prefilled. Last year she sent Texas State Parks, which I meant to visit more of. This year she sent one with a gardening theme. As I filled in the birthdays of my family members and made note of some of the dates I already know, I felt encouraged by the thought of a new year. I love the optimism that resurges with the new year after the rest and revivifying effects of the holidays, but I wish time would slow down a little bit!  

On the other hand I went back and looked at my new year's post from last year (on January 25th) and felt depressed. How did I fail so miserably at everything I thought I would do? I should make it a point to reread what I write every once in awhile in order to save myself some time and misery. 

Here is the summary from last year, although the post began with thoughts about feeling unsettled teaching at the community college and reflections on my aunt and uncle's funeral. I had resolved to be more grateful with what I was doing. (Why didn't I listen to myself before taking this job teaching middle school?) 

So here's what I have to work on this year: Let go of disquietude/be content about where we live and what I do. Be more attentive to the people around me and lift them up. (Next fall, our sixth child will be a high school senior. Need to make good memories with her this year.) Write letters. Practice hospitality (which means buying new chairs or upholstery fabric!!! a leftover goal from last year. I just can't find what I want...need to settle for good enough).  Maybe read St. Francis de Sales in toto instead of as small quotes here and there. I've started it before. But make a list of spiritual reading. Keep working on photos/family history. Write more. Make memories - go see family and friends.And of course, drink water, keep trying for 7 hours of sleep, and do more weight lifting to protect my aging bones!

I did not let go of disquietude. I did not write letters. I did not practice as much hospitality as I would like (although I did buy new chairs at last - something accomplished!!). I did not write more letters, except thank you notes. I did not read St Francis de Sales, write more (except slightly more blog posts), nor print more photos. I did go see family and friends. I slept less than ever and barely touched the weights. Ah, humility.

Despite abundant failures, I will try again. I relish the optimism of making resolutions, even though I'm also already failing at them. I'll keep making the same practical ones that I make every year: Do more spiritual reading, drink water, lift weights, sleep more, print photos.  This year, I really want to back off sugar, be more organized, and be more active in charitable giving. 

And of course, either stop worrying about the future (that line from Wendell Berry's "Peace of Wild Things" echoes in my mind: "I come into the peace of wild things / that do not tax their lives with forethought / of grief." That taxation exerts a price - on my own peace and the peace of my family and those around me when I let anxiety rule my mind)  OR figure out what it is I want to devote the next 20 years to before those years pass away in idleness and bemoaning fruitless desires. 

I have not read anything spiritual this Christmas season, unless you count Plough magazine, which I really enjoy, or A Little Princess, which is secular, but has such a good message - very St Therese of Lisieux.  I meant to read a book a week last year, and may try that again, even though I'm not quite achieved it even with counting books I skimmed and children's books. I count 50 on my list, but I may have forgotten at add some. Less than many previous years because of the time I've spent on classwork.

To assist in being organized, I have a new planner that I started to fill out with lists of things to do, but haven't put birthdays, school holidays, planned trips, or hopeful goals in there yet. It's not a fancy planner, but it has nice spaces and a pretty wildflower cover.  I've started planning the school year-  writing the plan being more fun that executing the plan.  

Getting more sleep is perhaps my biggest priority because it will help me with the other goals. Most of the year I averaged 6 hours or less of sleep a night. Unsustainable. My goal is seven, but so far this year, that has only happened twice. And I've had a couple 3-4 hour nights because of planning or worrying about some plan. There's been a lot going on at the house this past year, much of it brought on my lack of planning and my ability to worry about many things. I should adopt Padre Pio's slogon, "Pray, hope, and don't worry." Easier said that done by someone in middle age, even with the help of melatonin.

Not helping me sleep is trying to write more - and trying to keep making family memories. Our Thanksgiving and Christmas trips were big hits. I just returned from a track meet in Arkansas with my senior daughter, during which we sparred over college applications but made peace by belting out Taylor Swift, Kacey Musgraves, and old One Direction songs - our car trip replays. 

In fact, reviewing last year makes me feel not quite so badly about the failed resolutions. We did make a lot of family memories - trips to Indiana, Michigan, New York, Boston, Maine, California, Oklahoma, North Carolina. We may not have been as hospitable as I would like, but we did take advantage of other people's hospitality quite frequently.  And we spent a lot time on the back porch toasting sunsets with those friends and family who did come to visit. Hoping to hosts more guests - our fourth son's girlfriend just came for a short visit - the first visitor of the year, after having all the family here.

I could meander on more about memories from last year and hopes for this coming year. This has been a short year in review post. I am meaning to review my reading and to write about teaching to try to write myself to some clarity about next year. But now, if I'm going to sleep more than six hours, I need to log off. More to come. 

Resolutions at last

The past weekend we celebrated the lives of my aunt and uncle in Ft. Worth, one week after the reception in Indiana with my maternal relatives and their Indiana friends, of which there were many. As they were not Catholic, the service was not a funeral Mass, but included a lot of singing and music making, a homily by their pastor that included a reading from C. S. Lewis on grief, and reflections from my aunt's brother-in-law who is also a retired pastor.  Over 500 people came - family, friends, former students and athletes, the members of their "share group" - a group of 6 couples they had been meeting weekly with in their homes to share the Gospel and their lives for over 45 years.  They loved and were loved deeply by many people.

Their deaths have me thinking a lot about how I want to live and be remembered. They are a reminder of how selfish and myopic I can be. Yesterday morning, I came across a quote from St. Francis de Sales (it being his feast day) on Amy Welborn's site in which he provides guidance on how to live according to God's will - basically: live our own lives without lusting after other people's lives or wishing for personal happiness and fulfillment.  Be where you are. Avoid disquietude. Just do the next right thing and love others. 

I also listened to the episode on Bible in Year from the Letter of St James that is about how faith without works is dead. This is always convicting to me - I like work! I find "to do" so much easier than "to be" But it also is a reminder that faith must feed those works - am I doing what I do out of love for God and neighbor? 

My aunt and uncle's actions revealed their faith - and their words did, too, They weren't shy about being believers. I mentioned my uncle was a missionary with Christian Sports Outreach International. He was happy to carry on the tradition of preaching started by my grandfather - my other uncle was a pastor of an evangelical church, also, and now his son, my cousin, is a lead pastor, too - the reception in Indiana was held at the big new church where he is leading a community.  Sometimes the question was raised in my family about whether CSOI was focused not on converting nonbelievers to Christianity, but on converting Catholics to Protestantism. No family is without its disagreements and dissensions - and religious and political pluralism is evident in my family. Although this pluralism sometimes caused tensions in my parents' generation, it also was a way for the younger generations to see how people can have different views on important topics, but still love each other. 

These signs are all reminders that one of my resolutions this year needs to be to work on being content where I am, and to live the Gospel here. How can I be the arms and feet of Christ to someone else here?  I've spent an embarrassing amount of time over the last year wishing I were somewhere else, and trying to figure out what to do next.  What I need to do next is simply the next right thing, whether that is the laundry, the dishes, grading, reading, helping someone else, praying, serving.  I keep thinking I need a new job, but maybe I just need to be content with the jobs I have - they are, after all, service jobs. I hope sometimes a poem I share makes a mark on someone, or a conversation in ESL class helps a student make a doctor's appointment or something. I received a nice thank you today from one of my ESL students, and we've only had 2 classes. She has lived in the US for 40 years, but is still self-conscious about her English. 

This has been a resolution before. Obviously, as a spiritual pilgrim, I still have a long way to go.

More practical resolutions: I want to write some handwritten letters this year - I set aside a stack of Christmas cards from people I want to write to - even though I sent them cards, too. This should be an easy one to fulfill. But it also means I need to plan the time. I definitely need to be better about reaching out to others - particularly in my own family.  I have thank you notes sitting her for my parents and in-laws for Christmas - need to get those in the mail! And I have a card for a friend whose birthday is tomorrow. That won't make it in time. But I'll get it in the mail by the end of the week! 

I also have been thinking about inviting people over more this year. We have had those big parties for the team dinners, but we have not been good about developing new friendships with couple friends - this is something I've missed. One reason is because we have traveled more, but also because I have hesitated out of self-doubt. We need new chairs. It was too hot in the summer. I have a lot of excuses. And the truth is, we do spend a lot of time in the car, that eats into the time we have for socializing. Driving and utilities use up my time and money for entertaining. But if I am going to feel rooted here, I need to make some friends. To that effect, I did go out to lunch with some other moms with kids at ND - good food and good conversation. Hungry for more.

I looked back at last years' ideas - I did not make a decision about my future, except that I did not apply for another PhD program. Time is out for that. I keep thinking I'll do more writing, like most bloggers, I suspect, but need to carve out the time for that. Since my teaching load is a little lighter this year, I may try again to set aside 30 minutes a day for working on a project.

I did print out some photos - and put about 75% of them in an album. Almost done with the year 2015. Now to move on to photos from 2016! With the passing of members of the older generation, I realize the family history needs to be preserved - something else to be intentional about. 

Since I'm teaching on Tuesday/Thursday this semester, I can't do my Thursday morning Bible study which was a real boon, so I am hoping our parish has a Lenten reflection series. They have a women's study on Thursday evenings, but they want participants to commit to attendance, and I was going to have to miss too many because of trips. So spiritual reading needs a boost, as I noted in my reading wrap-up. I may just need to assign myself some reading. Or start another book club.

So here's what I have to work on this year: Let go of disquietude/be content about where we live and what I do. Be more attentive to the people around me and lift them up. (Next fall, our sixth child will be a high school senior. Need to make good memories with her this year.) Write letters. Practice hospitality (which means buying new chairs or upholstery fabric!!! a leftover goal from last year. I just can't find what I want...need to settle for good enough).  Maybe read St. Francis de Sales in toto instead of as small quotes here and there. I've started it before. But make a list of spiritual reading. Keep working on photos/family history. Write more. Make memories - go see family and friends.

And of course, drink water, keep trying for 7 hours of sleep, and do more weight lifting to protect my aging bones! My husband and I turn 50 this year! It's a party all year! 

Here is a poem from our new Norton Anthology that my students enjoyed, new to my syllabus - it won't copy, so here's a link.

Poetry Makes Nothing Happen? by Julia Alvarez (2003)

And here is the quote from St. Francis de Sales from Amy Welborn:

We must consider that there is no vocation which has not its irksomenesses, its bitternesses, and disgusts : and what is more, except those who are fully resigned to the will of God, each one would willingly change his condition for that of others : those who are bishops would like not to be ; those who are married would like not to be, and those who are not would like to be.

Whence this general disquietude of souls, if not from a certain dislike of constraint and a perversity of spirit which makes us think that each one is better off than we ?

But all comes to the same: whoever is not fully resigned, let him turn himself here or there, he will never have rest. Those who have fever find no place comfortable ; they have not stayed a quarter of an hour in one bed when they want to be in another ; it is not the bed which is at fault, but the fever which everywhere torments them. A person who has not the fever of self-will is satisfied with everything, provided that God is served. He cares not in what quality God employs him, provided that he does the Divine will. It is all one to him.

But this is not all : we must not only will to do the will of God : but in order to be devout, we must do it gaily.

If I were not a bishop, knowing what I know, I should not wish to be one ; but being one, not only am I obliged to do what this trying vocation requires, but I must do it joyously, and must take pleasure in it and be contented. It is the saying of St. Paul : Let each one stay in his vocation before God. We have not to carry the cross of others, but our own; and that each may carry his own, our Lord wishes him to renounce himself, that is, his own will. I should like this or that, I should be better here or there : those are temptations. Our Lord knows well what he does, let us do what he wills, let us stay where he has placed us.

For this is the Christian life, isn’t it? That balance between acceptance, finding God in the present moment, but also being willing to follow him to where he calls.

Persevere in thoroughly conquering yourself in these small daily contradictions you receive ; make the bulk of your desires about this ; know that God wishes nothing from you at present but that. Busy not yourself then in doing anything else : do not sow your desires in another’s garden, but cultivate well your own. Do not desire not to be what you are, but desire to be very well what you are ; occupy your thoughts in making that perfect, and in bearing the crosses, little or great, which you will meet. And, believe me, this is the great truth, and the least understood in spiritual conduct.

Every one loves according to his taste ; few love according to their duty and the taste of our Lord. What is the use of building castles in Spain, when we have to live in France ? It is my old lesson, and you know it well ; tell me, my dear child, if you practice it well.

Welcoming a new year

 Ah, 2022. Who has a birthday on February 2nd or February 22nd? It's a great year for you. 

For me, I hope that it will be a quieter year than 2021. Last summer was surely full of enough changes to last a couple of years. While we have a couple of graduations this spring, a First communion, and some travel (we hope), we don't have any major transitions like a son getting married, moving, and starting a new job to look forward to. 

As for those changes, they are still taking some getting used to. Our oldest and his wife were here for about a week at Christmastime. It was wonderful to have them here for an extended visit and to have the whole crew overlapping for a few days. We filled it with a trip to a light show, decorating the tree, a little shopping, a dinner out at a wellknown local restaurant, the Oasis.  The weather was mild, and we had a couple dinners on the back patio with good food and wine and laughter. The kids enjoy each other's company most of the time, which pleases my heart. Our second son who now lives in Boston was here for almost a week as well. On the eve of Christmas Eve, the kids exchanged gifts, and we gave our presents to our married children. My mother in law created a new stocking for our daughter-in-law, so we had ten to hang from the mantle. And then on Christmas Eve morning, the newlyweds flew off to see her parents. So Christmas morning was a little quieter.  Santa Claus may have been unmasked for the youngest, although she persisted in a narrative, perhaps out of the belief, as my older children admitted, that her parents were much more frugral than Santa, so he must be the one to deliver presents, even if Mom returns all of the ones that don't fit. Our first Christmas in this house in this new state of being was different, but it felt like a baptism of sorts of the new place. Chalking up the door lintel on Epiphany Sunday felt like a new start, also.  

As usual this time of year, I've been thinking about new starts and trying to break bad habits and start new ones. I've been working on the 7 hours of sleep again, although this week when school started up again, 6.5 was the average. I could tell over break that I was a much pleasanter and more productive person when I slept more, so that supposedly easy change should result in others, like biting my tongue before saying something negative. It bothers me that my children and husband accuse me of hating our new house - and of hating our old house, although I can understand why they think that. I didn't hate our old house - I hated living on a busy street. And I hated that it was an odd shade of green inside. And I didn't like dealing with the pool. But I did love the weather, the beach, the proximity of the mountains, the ease of getting around, the closeness of our friends, our parish, the library, walking everywhere.  The family thinks I hated it, as I've mentioned before, because I would often point out flaws when they talked about staying forever, because I knew we could not stay forever. Although now I question that - and that is the number one thing I have to stop doing to have any inner peace. We made a decision and now can only go forward and not back. And my tendency to question choices and experience regret is evident to the family, I'm humbled to say, so they think I hate it here, too, although again "hate" is too strong a word. I might hate driving around. I might hate how much debt we took on. But I don't hate the place or the people, the nearby parks and trails, the great sunsets, the way everything in the house works, at least mostly for now.  I don't want to be a regretter or a resenter or a hater.  So my biggest goal for this year is to work on thinking less about the past and being more grateful for the present. This attitude is a habit of mind I have been working on for years....  but I've pulled out a little journal again for writing down positive things that happen, and I'm trying to remember to stop my mind from wandering to dark places by repeating, "Jesus, I trust in you" or "have mercy on me, a miserable sinner."

Reading Edith Schaeffer's The Hidden Art of Homemaking during Advent has helped remind me of the responsibility I bear in helping my own children experience thanksgiving and joy and beauty. I long ago said I believed in spending money on beautiful things, but I have not put that into practice. Nor lately have I done a very good job of doing even small aesthetic acts, like lighting candles at dinner or keeping flowers in the house. But that is one of my goals this year also - let go of my cheapskate tendencies and get some new, clean furniture, plant more flowers, and keep the counters tidy (struggling with this one in between Christmas cards and FAFSA and tax season). Because our last three homes were places where it was difficult to buy or place new things, I didn't put much effort into decorating. Now it's time to be a grown up about housekeeping, so to speak. We left behind our worn -out couch, and I have been shopping new chairs and a new kitchen table and new patio tables. We have been lugging around a huge old kitchen table that was a hand-me-down from my roommate's parents when I was in grad school. My roommate didn't want it back when she moved out of our little apartment just before my wedding.  The kitchen chairs are from the thrift store, and the upholstered chairs are handmedowns from my grandparents and from an estate sale. I've been getting quotes for reupholstery for a couple of them - more than many new chairs, but I can't find what I love for less, so now I just need to finalize the fabric choices - a decision that is challenging me. (trying to think back to reading Don't Overthink It by Anne Bogel - another refrain I need to reiterate to myself...)  The patio tables we have now are from a Kmart closeout sale twenty years ago. I can't believe they have survived all these moves. They've come in handy when we've had parties. And because they still work, shopping for a patio table can wait, but it's on the list.

I also want to clean out the garage - even though we just moved. We didn't have time to go through the boxes of mementoes before our move, and now there are just too many of them. I need to shred some financial documents and then just reorganize so that each kid has one momento box, and that's all there is. Goodbye taxes from 2008. Goodbye sweet scribbles on copier paper that were created by who knows which child. Goodbye folders and folders of bureaucratic nonsense from my husband's old jobs. And goodbye old trailer that needs to be sold and extra bikes and box of posters from high schoolers. Someday I want to be able to park two cars in the garage. And I want to have space to make garden boxes for raised beds in the back yard. That day is coming this spring, I hope.  

Family goals? I want to get everyone out for a hike or camping trip before the heat arrives - a tough call even though we are a smaller group because of various trips - right now I'm typing in the student center at Texas A and M while I wait for my daughter to run in a two day track meet. We have a couple college visits planned with the son who is a senior. We are trying to plan a trip to Heidelberg, Germany, in February or March while our daughter is there studying abroad. She was not excited about going with Covid restrictions looming. Some of her friends cancelled, not afraid of losing a $3000 deposit. But she arrived and spent a week with my brother-in-law and his family in Nuremberg with her middle brother - whose semester abroad was supposed to happen in 2021 and didn't. They had a wonderful week just hanging out with cousins and getting to experience life in Germany. Now we're all tempted to move abroad. Or at least I am... 

Goals for Faith formation: working with the second grader on preparation for First Communion. I found my old Catholic Heritage Curriculum materials for second grade (getting recycled or passed on after this year...), and want to do some of the activities. We have done a good job of preserving read aloud time in the evenings, so I should incorporate more religious titles - the saint chapter books haven't been off the shelves for a long time. (except when they got moved this summer)

Also, I recommitted to a Bible Study for 8 weeks on the book of Exodus, and I started listening to the Bible in a year app - already a couple days behind, but trying to tune in while commuting. Returning to basics like scripture study for this year - and trying to avoid guilt inducing social media posts.

Finally, in a month or two, I'll make a decision about my own occupation for the next few years. I've really enjoyed substituting at the high school - I stepped into a long term position for five weeks and loved being around the teens. I also submitted one application to grad school - which has a very low rate of acceptance. And I start teaching ESL classes in 10 days. So by the spring I will compare all of my options - grad school likely will be eliminated - and decide whether to continue with adult ed or go back to school to get a teaching credential. 

Out of time. Posting without rereading or thinking any more about this... Reading wrap up in the next post...

New Year's thoughts

Happy Feast of St. Thomas Aquinas! It is a fitting day to send young people back to college. Our third just left for his second semester of junior year. Our second left for school last week - the last time we'll drop him off for school as he headed off for his second semester of his fifth year. He was actually going to Charleston before heading to South Bend because he is doing some research for his thesis project, which is designing a school for the traditional building arts in South Bend, similar to the one he went to visit in Charleston.  He returned to campus after all his travels and got his negative Covid test, once again reassuring us that air travel is relatively safe.  Thomas is his middle name. Today is a good day to ask St. TAq to guide their footsteps and to pray for all of these college students to have a great semester, to seek wisdom and understanding, and to learn to do all with charity. 

Other updates: Our fourth child is still home for the semester. Her school in Los Angeles is saying students might come back halfway through second semester, but she now has a routine with her online classes, a regular babysitting gig, and a job folding and delivering laundry at the laundromat, so she is saying she wants to wait and start fresh in the fall. I love having her around, so that decision is welcome. I already miss having the older boys around after their extended break. They are pleasant company now; they actually want to sit around the table after dinner and chitchat.  We have certainly eaten well with all the cooks in the kitchen, as well! 

Kids 5 and 6 are still doing high school online, although next week they will go back to school one day a week. Finally. Although I am frustrated with the teachers' unions who somehow, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still argue that schools are unsafe, when in fact, even Atlantic Monthly is publishing articles saying that schools aren't super-spreaders.  And while the unions refuse to return to school out of false fear - or hope of some gain? - teen suicides are up, child abuse is up, media use is way up, and learning is down.  I am frustrated by all the media, but I like having the kids home. I think I would pick some kind of hybrid learning if I had my first choice.  Two or three days a week of challenging in person learning and 2 or 3 days of homework. 

And number 7? - still easy peasy. She actually likes doing school work. I just ordered a bunch of new workbooks and coloring books because she is happy to do them. I have to sit close by for her to do math and writing, because she doesn't like to make mistakes. I probably should let her make more, but she falls to pieces if she spells something wrong. Other than that, she's doing great. She reads well independently and likes to read. And she LOVES having her big siblings around. She was in tears all morning when her third brother left this morning. 

So today feels like the end of Christmas vacation for real, even though I have been teaching online for three weeks already. This is a five week version of the Nature writing class I taught last year. I trimmed the reading list, replaced some selections, and based on the recommendations of another professor, decided to teach just one day synchronously. Three weeks in, it is too late to add an extra day, but I wish I had two days a week for synchronous learning - it would give more time for discussion and lecture. As it is, we are always running out of time, and I feel rushed to cover material.  I also wish I had scheduled a final instead of two papers. It would give students more motivation to do the reading.  I do feel they are doing a good job doing some of the reading and discussion boards, but  I would prefer a slower pace for our synchronous days.

What I am trying to get at is resolutions! Did I make any? Sort of... I resolved to think of something positive about the day to come each morning before I get out of bed. And get more sleep and more water, as usual - the two fitness goals I never accomplish. I did do a little more weight lifting thiI also want to keep my joints healthy this year. Tendonitis or bursitis in my knee and a calf strain have kept me from running lately - and from shedding the Christmas goodie weight ... 

When I went to look at my resolutions last year, I almost laughed.  Here is what I wrote: 

And now for the traditional New Year's resolution post - what to look forward to in 2020?  When we were talking at dinner about our one best memory of 2019  - even one best thing per month - it was hard to decide. We did a lot of traveling and hosting this year, which must be why even though we have fewer kids at home, we feel just as busy.  I'm hoping 2020 has a slower pace, time to savor the good things.  One of my resolutions is to make photo books - or at least print photos and put them in albums, so we can enjoy them. Part of the fun of travel and adventure is enjoying the memories, and we haven't had time to do that as much. Poor LK loves to look at old photos, but we have so few printed of her life (although she has been photographed more than any of our other children.).

So action item for 2020 - print photos.

My son did print some photos for me - as a Christmas present. A start to a very big job. Another goal was make more memories together. We did get a couple trips in mentioned below, before Dan when to UAE and Covid broke out, and a couple camp-outs, a few hikes, the getaway to Palm Desert, and the quick trip to see the grandparents in OKC. 

Admittedly, however, we are already planning a few trips: one in February for Junior parents' weekend in South Bend, although in this case it is to attend "Expo Roma" for our fourth-year architecture son.  And we are going to visit Pepperdine and Westmont College in late January and February with our senior daughter as she makes college decisions.  

My son did print some photos for me - as a Christmas present. A start to a very big job. We did get these two trips in, before Dan when to UAE and Covid broke out. But that helped me achieve THIS resolution:

So what else? One of the themes that kept coming up during Advent this year was relinquishing control and giving up criticism (which often results during moments when things are out of control). Our priest said in a homily about joy in Advent that the opposite of joy is control.  That cut close. The reflection the sister gave at the retreat I attended spoke about embracing our life as it is, not as we wish it would be - the temptation of wishing things were otherwise. And then in the homily on the Feast of the Holy Family, the priest at the church we were visiting preached about being as kind to our family as we are to strangers, in other words, loving our family for who they are so that we don't discourage each other, as the letter from Paul instructs.  For book club I've been reading Colleen Carroll Campbell's The Heart of Perfection, which contains another message about control.  The message seems pretty clear - control less, love more.

Everyone got a little help in relinquishing control! Still working on this part about using more positive reinforcement, but I have given more hugs - even though physical touch is not my love language either. ...

Since these researchers found that it takes four good interactions to counteract one negative event, I think I need to hearken back to the advice of those relationship experts who recommend paying out more compliments than criticisms, an action that is not native to me.  I'm not much good at the "words of affirmation" love language, but I hereby resolve to engage in more positive reinforcement than negative words.
...
So my spiritual goal is to note the beauty and goodness around me and let my family know more often that I see those qualities in them.

This next goal did NOT happen - unless you count online shows. We watched more streaming shows than ever. 

Another family goal - attend some plays or concerts.  

Although family viewing time grew, family prayer time declined. This is a real sorrow. I still get a decade in with the 6 year old, but I miss the regularity of prayer time with the older kids. I hereby resolve to make this happen during Lent. 

As for academic goals, I did write another paper for a conference. And I am looking into one for this year, and a review. I am so far behind. I need to remind myself of this little gem:  

I need to learn to write faster, and that good enough is good enough - no need to be perfect, a desire for which prevents any writing from getting done.

Our biggest goal this year is discerning the path our future will take outside of the Navy. This decision is going to color the rest of the year. I'm feeling a little mournful about losing some of the perks. Retirees still get a number of privileges - shopping at the commissary, staying at the Navy Lodge, flying Space A. But we will no longer be a part of the community. There will be no one to welcome us at the next "duty station."  It's time - every day my husband comes home to share some frustration at work - but we need to get a handle on a goal or purpose for this next stage. 

So that is a good goal - calm, collected discussion about the future. Not always as easy as it sounds. 2. Family prayer time + plenty of hugs and positive reinforcement 3. More academic writing? or a new job? 4. Sleep, water, stretch 5. Wake up with a positive thought. 

Seeing as 2021 is a month in, I'm behind already - but slow and steady! 

Next post: reading round-up!

Year in Review

January brings the snow, makes our toes and fingers glow . . . Sara Coleridge

... or if you live in the southern climes, it brings the glow of the sunset.  Sunsets tend to be more stunning this time of year, perhaps something to do with the contrast between ocean and air temperatures?

We hadn't been to the beach for a sunset admiration party/photo op for months before last night - and that trip was short but sweet.  The kids were just getting ready to settle in for watching a movie since we ate our traditional New Year's Day white meal early because one kid had to work (pork roast, mashed potatoes, knepp, and a vegetable, this year beet greens from our garden box) when I noticed the sky was lighting up, I engaged the assistance of my spouse and rousted them from their couches with much groaning.  But once the initial inertia was overcome, they did get into the car pretty quickly - no need for coats or shoes - and with the luck of the Irish on our side, we found a parking spot right in front of the beach, so we made it time to watch the show in the sky as it went from beautiful to breathtaking. And when the sun finally dipped beneath the horizon and the last rays faded into darkness, everyone was in good spirits.  On returning home, the big kids watched their movie (The Irishman, a violent mob movie), while I fell asleep putting LK to bed.  I woke only to move from the floor to my bed, where I slept the deepest and longest sleep I've had for weeks.  It was glorious.

(A physiology side note: I have noticed a spike in insomnia/anxiety related to my cycle that I think is probably attributable to middle-aged hormone shifts. The opposite trend happens during my much shorter phase 2, which makes me wonder if someone could capture the hormone combo that makes up phase 2 and market it. I'm so much nicer those few days. Which also makes me wonder about how often kids enter adolescence when their mothers enter perimenopause - not the best combination, but probably part of the reason dramatic fiction exists about the conflict between children and mothers.)

And now for the traditional New Year's resolution post - what to look forward to in 2020?  When we were talking at dinner about our one best memory of 2019  - even one best thing per month - it was hard to decide. We did a lot of traveling and hosting this year, which must be why even though we have fewer kids at home, we feel just as busy.  I'm hoping 2020 has a slower pace, time to savor the good things.  One of my resolutions is to make photo books - or at least print photos and put them in albums, so we can enjoy them. Part of the fun of travel and adventure is enjoying the memories, and we haven't had time to do that as much. Poor LK loves to look at old photos, but we have so few printed of her life (although she has been photographed more than any of our other children.).

So action item for 2020 - print photos.

Admittedly, however, we are already planning a few trips: one in February for Junior parents' weekend in South Bend, although in this case it is to attend "Expo Roma" for our fourth-year architecture son.  And we are going to visit Pepperdine and Westmont College in late January and February with our senior daughter as she makes college decisions.  Pepperdine has the advantage of being nationally known, but Westmont has been generous with aid and invitations to an honors program - there is something to be said for being courted.

After those trips, though, life should be quieter at home because my husband will travel for work.

So what else? One of the themes that kept coming up during Advent this year was relinquishing control and giving up criticism (which often results during moments when things are out of control). Our priest said in a homily about joy in Advent that the opposite of joy is control.  That cut close. The reflection the sister gave at the retreat I attended spoke about embracing our life as it is, not as we wish it would be - the temptation of wishing things were otherwise. And then in the homily on the Feast of the Holy Family, the priest at the church we were visiting preached about being as kind to our family as we are to strangers, in other words, loving our family for who they are so that we don't discourage each other, as the letter from Paul instructs.  For book club I've been reading Colleen Carroll Campbell's The Heart of Perfection, which contains another message about control.  The message seems pretty clear - control less, love more.

That WSJ article I mentioned in the last post had a good counter-action: Since these researchers found that it takes four good interactions to counteract one negative event, I think I need to hearken back to the advice of those relationship experts who recommend paying out more compliments than criticisms, an action that is not native to me.  I'm not much good at the "words of affirmation" love language, but I hereby resolve to engage in more positive reinforcement than negative words.

Part of this resolution means I need to silence my own inner self-critic more fervently, since often my frustration with others stems from a frustration with myself. But I think a more positive action to take would be to refocus again on gratitude, on noting the positives of each day, so revisiting the daily habit of writing down good things that happen each day, even if only in note form, is an action that may help to silence the critic inside.

A quick review of last year's resolutions reminds me that I made the commitment to continue writing down what I'm grateful for each day last year, but that practice dropped off at some point. Time to resurrection it.

So my spiritual goal is to note the beauty and goodness around me and let my family know more often that I see those qualities in them.

That's also kind of a family resolution - last year my resolution was to make memories with the fam, a goal we met, I'd say. So this year my goal is to document and relive those - as mentioned above.

Another family goal - attend some plays or concerts.  I meant to get tickets to a Nutcracker performance or some other holiday show, but that didn't happen this year.  Although at one point in time, when we were homeschooling in Virginia, I was pretty good about taking the kids to performances for kids - plays, the symphony, reenactments, exhibits - we haven't done much in the way of supporting the arts lately, so add that to the list.

We also have dropped off in regularly gathering for family prayers, so that's another practice I'd like to resurrect. With the teens doing homework at night when the youngest is ready for bed, it is hard to gather everyone for a rosary as we used to do. Perhaps we can find a new form or time for gathering, or be content with just a Sunday night rosary?

Last year my academic/intellectual goal was to research colleges and kindergartens - this year I will have to decide again about school or home school for the youngest, and finish the college decision, which is now an a or b choice.  I also need to decide whether I am going to invest more in developing as a teacher.  Writing that academic paper was a challenge for me this fall, partly because I need more practice. So I hereby resolve to write at least one more paper and to revise my composition syllabus with new readings to reinvigorate that class.  But along with developing those practices, I also need to balance the time I give to teaching with parenting time -- and sleep, which helps me with both of those -- so I need to learn to write faster, and that good enough is good enough - no need to be perfect, a desire for which prevents any writing from getting done.

Finally, a fitness goal is easy this year to articulate, if not to achieve- get more sleep. I've been making do with an average of about six hours. Too many five hour nights result in an irritable mom. This means I have to be more disciplined about reading late at night. I didn't do so well with adding strength training in, which was part of last year's goal, as well as the yearly drink more water, eat less sugar, get more sleep... ditto, every year. . . .

So to review: 1. Family goal: Print photos and attend a performance or two, 2, Spiritual goals: give compliments, note blessings, gather for prayers at least once a week, 3. Academic: Reorganize syllabus and write another paper 4. Fitness; get more sleep - aiming for a  7 hour average (and eat less sugar/drink more water, add in strength training). 

Now time to start the day and the year!

Epiphany greetings

Christmas has come and gone. We celebrated Epiphany modestly on Sunday with a visit from the Three Kings who left slightly underwhelming gifts - no gold, frankincense, or myrrh here. After Mass the tree was dismantled, the decorations almost entirely boxed up, and the needles swept up. We had a celebratory supper and blessed the doorway, and started preparing backpacks for going back to school after a nice break.  All that remains of our Christmas celebrations are a few returns and some stale cookies. And some extra pounds.

My favorite part of this year is now overdue - making resolutions and reviewing the year.  This tradition may result in minuscule changes in habit and virtue, but perhaps instead of changing course, this practice is more helpful for righting the course of the ship of life that has drifted from true north, or whatever course it is on. This post is my mini-retreat, although I'm having trouble finding time to reflect and contemplate long enough to write it. This was supposed to be a year I documented better on this blog, but instead I wrote less than ever.  I also read less than ever. And after reviewing resolutions from last year, I can only report moderate success, as usual.

But there were a few successes: 1. I've kept up with my little examen journal. 2. I read quite a bit with the four-year-old, although not many chapter books yet. 3. We've had some good vacations with the kids to make some memories together. 4. I've kept up with calendar keeping  5. And a gift subscription to Magnificat from my mom has helped me keep my resolution to read Scripture more. Magnificat has been a great aid to faith life for so many people - may it continue to find its way into many hands.

So again, I will revise some of the resolutions that didn't stick and consider what habits will help me stay on course for a life oriented toward eternity.  Even as I write that, I question that I really have eternity in mind, as temporal reality is much more pressing. How can I be thinking of Heaven when the toilet is overflowing?  And does God want me to homeschool the four-year-old next year or to keep trying to teach? I wish He would speak more clearly on this matter, or help me find a parttime kindergarten so I could do both. That's the next big decision I have to make - in addition to helping the daughter in her junior year discern what is in her future.

Those big decisions require more research. I have several research projects going on - so perhaps the first category to look at is what my academic/intellectual goals should be:

1. Research kindergartens and colleges. The teenager next in line to go to school doesn't want to go to the same school her brothers attend - the pressure to get in and do well is perhaps too great, and she thinks she wants to stay on the west coast or at least go somewhere without a long winter.  More to come on the college search, but we are planning to make a couple visits to schools to help her figure out what is out there and what she is looking for - if I can commit to the cost of travel.

The kindergarten decision is one that involves figuring out how to balance what I want to do with what I think I ought to do. I'm hoping an option shows up that allows me to do both, so on my to-do list is to try to find either a parttime kindergarten or some other solution.

After teaching this past semester, I have also considered returning to school myself to finish my Ph.D. Teaching this course on nature writing required a lot of research and synthesis that could be the beginning of a project or paper. Maybe I should go back to school and homeschool while working on a second degree - probably not going to happen, but a little dream.

More immediate - and more achievable - is a smaller project: Plan a family trip to Rome. We have purchased tickets for the six people in our family at home to fly in February to see our second son who is studying in Rome for the year. We got a great price on tickets back in the fall, but I put off planning the trip. Now it's a month away, and I'm just starting to look into places to stay and to figure out an itinerary. We get to Rome on our son's 21st birthday and will stay in the city Wednesday - Friday. Then we'll go to Assisi and Florence before returning to Rome Monday morning and stay for 2 more nights before flying back. In addition to finding accommodations, I need to figure out whether to rent a car for the weekend travel or buy train tickets for 7 people. And in addition to planning the trip, I want to have some family education about what we are going to see. If I had thought ahead, I would have tried to find some Rick Steves videos to watch over Christmas break, but instead we watched too many bad Christmas specials because the girls like sappy romances. More to come on that trip, too.

2. Planning this trip and introducing the kids to Rome is a part of the category for Family Goals, too. My husband convinced me to buy plane tickets for everyone by saying this is their religious education for the year. I have really mourned the lack of religious education for our teenagers. The two middle kids were confirmed this spring, and since then they have been reluctant to go to youth group - mostly because it is like confirmation class.  This fall the previous youth leader quit to stay home with her kids, and the transition to a new youth minister took some time, so the fall schedule was irregular. I've talked with the teens about getting more involved in leadership this year, but we'll see what happens.

We also have not kept up with family service projects. I'm still going to the nursing home with the youngest once a month, and at Christmastime we sponsored a family and took the kids to the church in Barrio Logan to deliver the gifts, but I'd like to renew my resolve to find a family project once a month.

3. The challenge of making resolutions is finding time for them. This past year I sacrificed time I used to spend exercising in order to spend more time planning and grading.  I've done better about becoming a morning person, but have to decide whether to exercise or work in the morning before the kids get up. Aging has also minimized my dedication to fitness goals. I'm realizing that being middle-aged involves having somewhat constant knee and foot pain. Swimming and stretching and some strength training, even just sit-ups and push-ups, always make me feel better, so those are the three things I'd like to find more time for this year -- in addition to the yearly recommitment to drink more water, get more sleep, and eat less sugar.

Finally, the fourth piece of my yearly review - spiritual growth. We did make it confession more often this year - another small success. So we'll try to continue that commitment. But nightly rosary has become a weekly thing - I need to keep recommitting to trying to make family prayer time a priority. One thing our church has started doing this fall is adoration one Friday night a month. We've attended a couple times - I let the kids leave after 15 or 20 minutes, but I am grateful for even that little time, so that is another practice I want to keep up with. My book club continues to be a source of great consolation and good reads for spiritual growth, although this month's pick, Anne Lamott's newest book about hope Almost Everything, recycles what she has written before. I have thought about trying out spiritual direction - I want someone else to tell me what to do - but both priests I've asked were booked up -- because they are good directors most likely.

This is enough to think about, and I am out of time. I can think of a lot of things I'd like to do or do better and things I'd like quit doing - the challenge of keeping on course are the many distractions.

A happy distraction was our recent trip to Utah - photos to come!

Modest resolutions

Why are so many people opposed to resolutions? I know it is trendy to belittle making resolutions because not many people succeed in following them, but some do end up becoming habits. So even though I consistently failing in managing to remember my resolutions much past February, I consistently enjoy the process of doing a yearly examen and deciding what goals to set for the year ahead.

I have felt my age more this year - I rarely have a day that I don't wake up in pain. In between plantar fasciitis, patellar fasciitis, and what is probably arthritis in the upper part of my feet, I haven't run most of the year. And when I do run, it hurts. So I am beginning to reimagine what it means to not be a runner.  Having my husband and/or a number of friends to exercise with makes walking early in the morning much easier to do. I miss the solitary reflection time of running, but while I prefer running alone, I crave companionship while walking. Having someone to talk to while walking makes an hour fly by. And although our motivated "boot camp" workout leader moved to Japan, a couple friends and I are still meeting a couple mornings a week to do some exercises and let the kids play.

So for a fitness goal - met the strength training resolution. Need to continue resolving to stretch more. And eat less sugar again.

My family goal of saying something nice to each of the kids didn't really stick in my brain, unless you count blessing them in the mornings when they leave for class and at night when they go to bed. What has been a nice development over the past year are little outings with single kids and having more grown up conversations with them. It's been a gentle shift to a different type of relationship with our kids as they are getting older.  And they all still like being hugged good night, so even though "physical touch" is not my love language - my brother in law teases me about being an awkward hugger, a family of origin trait...- I resolve to keep hugging them good night and looking for opportunities for one on one time with each kid.

My spiritual goal remains the same - read the Bible more.  I have succeeded in keeping some spiritual reading at hand all year, but going to adoration never happens. At our church it is only from 9-12 on Wednesdays and Thursday. With LK in tow, I never feel comfortable doing more than stopping by to genuflect after Mass on Wednesday mornings. She likes going to church, though, so we are continuing that habit of going to mass on Wednesdays with the two high schoolers who have a late start that morning. I have two new resolutions: 1. Make sure we get to confession once a month, which often happens, but we aren't very intentional about it. 2. Keep up habit I started last year of writing down a little examen in the evenings. I wax and wane on this - just a little list of pluses and minuses for the day. It started out being a little book of things to be grateful for, but perhaps I just have a natural pessimistic streak that makes me want to acknowledge the negative, too -- in an attempt to avoid it in the future, of course.

The fourth aspect of my yearly resolutions, the academic/intellectual goal, I mentioned in the last post - which is to post more.  I keep trying to shift to becoming a morning person and get up at five or six to write and grade, so that I'm not on the computer late in the evenings, which makes it harder to go to bed. But I don't quite have the discipline to turn out the lights by ten, which makes getting up at five something I can do regularly. I can get up early when I have a grading deadline, but then I crash after a couple of mornings, because I am not simultaneously going to bed at a reasonable hour.  I can manage on six hours a night for weeks, but if that goes down to five hours then my body rebels, and I need a few days to sleep in. Consistently getting seven hours would probably help me function better all day, but with teenagers in the house, the rhythm of the day is different - they are always up late.

I also am reconsidering job options.  Enrollment is very low at the Navy College Program. I consistently have only 5-8 students a term. On the one hand, this is very manageable for making my goal last year of using students' names and for balancing family life and other activities, but on the other, with three kids in college next year, a little extra income would help our family budget. I have applied to a few other community colleges, but after I had that interview at the college up in north county, I had to recognize I need to decide how much disruption to the current status quo I am comfortable with making. No job offer came after that interview, and I think I failed it because my hesitancy about driving and committing to more than one class came through. I cringe when I think back to it, but it was a learning experience.  So now on my to do list is to look for other opportunities. But I also want to minimize the impact on family life. Right now our preschool co-op is going really well. We are a small group, but everyone loves it. I would like to keep doing it next year and keep LK home for as long as possible. Ideally I would homeschool through grade school, but it will be a challenge with only one kid. I need to borrow some other kids.

People getting up here. Time to post and be done!

Happy New Year!

As usual, I am a couple days behind the times, but ...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2018.

I can't believe how far into this millennium we already are. I remember calculating that I would be 27 in the year 2000. It seemed so old when my elementary school friends and I were first working the math. Now it seems so young...

I have been thinking about posting New Year's Resolutions and a year in review of books, but it is already late tonight. I just wanted to add an update and to work on one resolution, which is to post more frequently.  I found myself searching my own blog a few times over the past year in order to look up when things happened or information about a book I read. My memory is failing! Or, as I prefer to think, so much information is being inputted into my brain that a lot of things have to be outputted. At any rate, I am thankful to have this repository of memories upon which to rely for a somewhat reliable accounting of our lives.

So one of my resolutions is to do a better job of posting at least weekly. These posts may be shorter and less thoughtful, but if I don't worry about writing something thoughtful, maybe I'll at least write something.

Another resolution is to put down the phone more. This should also help with reading and writing more. And listening more to the kids. And remembering more.  I have cut back on media time this year, partly out of necessity, but I still could shrink that time and not miss it. I realized when I was doing Christmas cards that I get a lot of Facebook updates from people I am not really close to- people I didn't send a Christmas card. Some of them are wonderful people with interesting or uplifting things to say, but there is only so much time in the world. And on the other hand, I have some dear friends who aren't on Facebook whom I wish I heard more from - and would, if I took a few minutes to write a letter or even an email - or call on the phone.  So I want to hand write some letters more often - and trim some acquaintances from my Facebook list.

I also need to write some thank you notes. We just returned from our holiday trek through the southwest to Oklahoma City and Dallas, and we have many people to thank for a wonderful visit and generous gifts. The travel required 40+ hours of driving, but it was good for reading, and worth the time to visit with family we haven't seen in a long time. Pictures to come.

We've spent the last few days since we've been home cleaning house and organizing. We had a small party for New Year's Eve the day after we got home - just three families. I was tempted to invite other friends I enjoy spending time with, but we decided to keep the group small so we could visit better with these friends who are longtime friends from previous duty stations who all know each other. And the conversation didn't falter, even though they stayed for 7 hours.

Tomorrow the middle kids go back to school. I will miss having them around. This break seemed short, since they were out before Christmas longer than after Christmas, and we were gone a week. The two college boys are home another week, but one is spending this week with his girlfriend, so his home stay will be even shorter.  This year my husband and I really hesitated to travel. We worry that the kids won't want to come back to our house as they get older because they won't have memories of our own family Christmas - just Christmas with lots of cousins. But they really do enjoy being a part of the big mass of family. All people who know them and love them and really care about what happens to them. With the instability of our rootedness to place, the long drive is worthwhile if it gives the kids a sense of rootedness to their people. I just finished reading a book about how to love the place where you live, and while it didn't really teach me anything new (Why didn't I think about writing a similar book? - aside from the fact I don't do research.) it did make me think more about where we might want to go when my husband retires from the military and confirmed some things that I already believed. That confirmation helps me prioritize activities and make decisions when there are so many activities competing for our time and I am so bad at decision-making.

I want to write more about that book and place, but now it's time to retire for the evening. I pray that 2018 is a year of blessings and adventures for all.

Beginning again

Hello, 2017.  You seem to have arrived early. I'm not quite ready to move on yet...

I would quite happily dwell in the past if I could.  The older kids and I have been watching The Crown about Queen Elizabeth II's ascension and coronation in the 50's.  With the youngers, we are almost finished with the 7th of 9 seasons of Little House on the Prairie. I'd gladly time travel to either of these vastly different worlds, despite the dangers and difficulties of life those many years ago.  I'm sure someone will look back on the current years and similarly wish he could return to them. Maybe. It certainly must be a good sign that throwbacks like record players, dial phones, and paperback books are making comebacks, at least as hipster Christmas gifts.  My own kids got a lot of socks and hats for Christmas.

So perhaps one of my resolutions for 2017 should be letting go of some of the "might have beens," along with the "still might bes," that I hold on to.  Allowing those daydreams of "better days" and unrealistic expectations to co-exist with the "what really is" usually means the "what really is" looks a little tarnished and undesirable, even though the possibilities are really usually impossible and sources of regret or disappointment.

Along with the New Year's  cleaning out of unused clothes (each kid picked out 5 things to pass on) shoes that are too small, extra canned goods, worn out sheets and towels, unplayed with toys, unread books, etc, I plan to clean out some left over regrets.  Easier said than done, however.

An easier resolution this year: Say something nice to each of the kids every day.  I did not do very well with most of my resolutions from last year, which were similar to years before, so perhaps I need to resolve to do simpler things.  I did succeed at a couple of things: I got the piano tuned and finally found a teacher, who has come 3 times. It's a start.  I also started blessing the kids when they go to school and hugging them more. I  have failed to do daily Gospel reading, to drink more water and cut sugar, and to read aloud more, my resolutions for several years. Time for something new. I did read more spiritual books because of my book club.  I did not do a very good job of managing media, either, but am still holding firm in not getting smart phones for the kids until they graduate from high school.

We have done some family mission work, but have failed to start something consistent.  After reading Tom Hoopes's What Pope Francis Really Said I feel newly committed to doing this.  I'd like to live some of the phrases that jump out to me from the book: culture of encounter, charism of encouragement, radical conversion.  Saying something nice to each kid daily is a way to incorporate encounter and encouragement, but  I need to extend to others, also.  So I hereby resolve to

1. Family goal: Say something nice daily to the kids  (and read more to them). The challenge will be remembering - and what to do for the college kids - a weekly note in addition to the weekly phone call? This goal is an effort to build a "charisma of encouragement" in our own family, which can often be more critical than affirming.
2. Spiritual goal: Go to adoration. (and read the Bible more). Try to make it to the small group meetings my husband and I signed up for. We've been once. Our group is a more mature crowd - older than us by a decade or more, but I enjoyed it, and I think going is a good date night, plus preparation for Sunday Mass with a Gospel reflection, and a way to be invoked in our community in a different way. Meets the "culture of encounter" goal.
3. Academic goal: Work on course readings. Write more. Engage with my students - use their names a lot. Teaching on-line makes it harder to make connections. I think I sometimes am too easy in my grading, which is sometimes a disservice, so I'm resolving to be more honest, but also to give more concrete suggestions for improvement, while being as personal as I can behind a computer screen.
4. Health and wellness: Keep up the strength training I started doing a boot camp type workout with some other neighborhood moms. Fun for LCJ and me. Keep stretching. (and drink more water and lose five pounds!)

Simple.  Now the trick is to not forget them!

Notes and pictures from Christmas and reflections on reading Hillbilly Elegy  to come.