I've had multiple moments lately where I think, "I should write a note about that on the blog," but when I have a moment to write, I forget about it or the issue is no longer interesting to me. So here I am with a moment to myself because something was cancelled, so I have some time for notes to self:
When next summer rolls around, I need to prod our second son who is a junior into thinking about his future. We are in the throes of the college application process with our oldest, who has been laboring over his essays for an early decision application to his number one school choice. He just turned them in with the deadline only a couple days away. Writing is painful for him. And it was painful to me to try to help him. First, he didn't want any help. And secondly, I didn't really know what the admissions counselors want. The prompts are ambiguous. I have been trying to engage the teen-aged boy in conversation about them, but I'm his mom. He doesn't want to talk to me. And the essays shouldn't sound like they weren't written by a 41 year old woman, but by a 17 year old boy.
Even more agonizing to me than trying to get him to write and revise is the fear that his heart will be broken. This school is not just his first choice; right now it is his only love. He hasn't really even looked anywhere else. He's a smart kid, a hard worker, active in extra-curriculars, a little weak in the creative writing area, but otherwise well-rounded. He'll do well no matter where he goes. He's earned an ROTC scholarship, which is not necessarily my first choice of ways to pay for school, but it opens doors that fiscally would be locked for us. So I'm in knots hoping he'll be accepted and we can be done with college applications for a year. And I want really badly to rewrite his essays for him...
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Note on future career: Over the past months of prepping for college applications, I have learned about the field of educational consulting. People are getting paid to tell teenagers where to apply, what they need to do to apply, what they need to do to get financial aid, proofreading essays, and suggesting ways to make themselves interesting. And the pay is good, as in $150/hour good. It would be a pretty fun job. By the time I get about half of my kids into college, I'll be an expert.
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On teaching - Back in the groove! After some speed bumps at the beginning of the school year, things are buzzing along (busier than "humming" but not "roaring") and we're in a routine of a schedule that is busy, busy, but not overwhelming. My one night a week gig is rolling along, and I finally feel like I've got a handle on the rapport in the classroom. I really like teaching older students. They want to learn, they want to talk about ideas, they see connections. They may not have very good grammar skills, but they participate in earnest. I should be grading papers right now, but I was inspired by
Bearing's apology for blogging as a combination of classic diaries, letters and philosophical treatises to record a few thoughts.
I was again offered another class at a different school that would require getting a babysitter, although it would pay better than this evening job when the kids are with Dad. I would be in a more traditional campus setting and have colleagues to share ideas with, whereas now I'm at a little regional outpost. I considered it. Planning wouldn't be as laborious after teaching this past semester, and only the baby would be left with a sitter, so my husband wouldn't have to take on as much in the evening. But the classes are bigger, the term is longer, and I'd have to recreate my syllabus and all the internet links and posts on their server. I'm going to stick with the smaller commitment.
I'm always wrestling with the conflict to find balance between doing something I really enjoy and keeping up with the responsibilities of home life. I have always felt pulled between having one foot in the world and one foot in the home. I found a prayer card for St. Gianna Molla my mom had given me when I found out I was pregnant this last time and took some comfort in the idea that she was a good mother and a professional and a saint. I am hardly a professional, and my kids would debate my status as good mother, and I'm leagues away from sainthood, but she is a role model for integrating different roles.
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My mom's group at church is reading a Kimberly Hahn book for book study called Cherished and Chosen. It is not very exciting. I have a hard time reading it because nothing in it is new nor gracefully put. It does make me think I should have a planner though. I love the idea of planners. I just forget to use them.
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And Hahn's book is good for reminding me to stay focused on priorities. I had a conversation with my sister the other day about relationships that are distractions. They take time and energy away from the people we need to be caring for because they are usually more interesting than dishes and laundry. (read: Facebook and the Internet) Housework has been suffering anyway because of my coursework and having a baby who likes to be held. My prayer life has also withered, except for all my pleas of intercession. We have so many sick friends and friends with suffering marriages. We also have a lot of pregnant friends. Life and death. Cross and resurrection.
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The recent articles in favor of the right to die overlook the redemptive value of suffering. But to see value in suffering requires a belief in redemption, I suppose. I worry about the world my kids will inherit that is so full of the gospel of feeling good. People are so afraid of pain. I am, too. But my mom once told me, in a conversation about giving birth, to focus on the idea that labor is productive pain. Something good will come out of it, like a jolly, fat baby.
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| A little Seabee with rabbit ears |
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In addition to the mom's group book study, we've been going to the marriage group book study once a month. Again the reading isn't anything new, but it provides a moment to revisit some of those ideas that inspire us to plow through the grunt work of marriage: the schedules, the chores, the finances are all secondary to the work of two souls teaching each other how to love. Keeping the house clean and everyone fed and clothed is easier when it's an act of love and not a duty. Life requires undergoing a little pain for the good of others.
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We had 25 cross country runners over to dinner last week, and I had to do a thorough scouring in preparation. Of course, the house is a mess again, but for a minute it felt clean. And because the crowd was a bunch of kids I like, cooking 8 boxes of pasta and 5 gallons of sauce wasn't a chore. Making 100 meatballs might not have been my husband's favorite way to spend an evening but he didn't complain. We thought we might have leftovers, but those skinny runner kids can put away the carbs. And they entertained us in return.
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I've decided it's harder to keep small houses clean as opposed to big houses. Or maybe there is a golden mean. But clutter control is a constant battle in this little house. Just a few things out of place makes it seem out of order, whereas in a bigger kitchen no one would notice a few extra dishes on the counter. And surfaces get touched more when there aren't a lot of surfaces to touch. Time for a garage sale this weekend! Although we gave away a truckload of stuff after our move from Guam, we've been amazed at how much clutter collects in a year. Trying to practice detachment...
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Other than reading the Hahn book, I haven't done a lot of reading. I really enjoyed a book I got for the boys by Peter Kreeft about surfing and faith:
I Surf, Therefore I am. And I read a book my daughter recommended called
Found Things. I've read through a lot of essays for my class, but I haven't read an adult novel in months. Checked out a Haruki Murakami book from the library but can't get into it.
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Excitement on the cross country course: a live wild tarantula! This is almost as exciting as the bear we saw in Yosemite.
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| Don't let it get the baby! |
The cross country and football and soccer and volleyball seasons are winding down. Fall sports have kept us running. But after the initial pain early in the season getting used to the schedule, it's been nice to have a routine and the events themselves are fun entertainment. But holidays are around the corner...
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Now I've got to run: my to-do list awaits: need to make finishing touches on costumes, make some calls for a silent auction at the military base, dishes, laundry, get ready for the garage sale, and grade papers. I need another 24 hours in a day.
