A couple nights ago I had my book club over for our discussion
of Glennon Doyle Melton's Carry On, Warrior. I was a little anxious
about the meeting because Melton takes some unorthodox views towards some
controversial issues, most notably abortion. She is very frank about having had
an abortion in her youth. She later gets
pregnant out of wedlock again, but gets married and has the baby and gets clean
after being addicted to alcohol and drugs and having an eating disorder, among
other psychological and emotional dysfunctions. Some of the women in my book
club loved this book because of her descriptive and funny presentation of the
messiness of life, and some did not love it because of Melton's controversial
views, not just of abortion, but of many of the hot button social issues. I was
a little worried about strong opinions being expressed and feelings being hurt.
Happily, the discussion was very democratic and light
hearted. People mentioned some favorite
parts and some parts that were troubling and shared favorite quotes. A few people were honest about not liking it
and why, but in a way that wasn't confrontational. Melton might be a hard person to have as a
friend, but she has a great talent for storytelling and a gift for bringing out
a truth from a moment of reflection. I
like her take on the "golden coin" she would like to give her kids -
one side confidence from knowing they are a child of God and the other side
humility from knowing that everyone else is also. Her comment on "letting love win"
in an argument, instead of defending our ego was good. Another good marriage
tip was the anecdote about how her husband leaves out a glass of wine for her
each night and she makes his coffee in the morning, which is definitely a
Mother Teresa do small things with great love act.
Other notable parts: her anti "carpe diem" post
that went viral is about how parenting is like mountain climbing and writing
and other difficult things - they are hard work, but moments of joy (Kairos
moments she calls them) outweigh the suffering.
She also has a Catholic perspective on the "God shaped hole"
that we all try to fill with something instead of God - a St. Augustine
reference. Another Catholic moment is
when she references the rule of St. Benedict - "when thorns of contention
arise, daily forgive, and be ready to accept forgiveness" and "listen
with the ear of the heart." Another
"Catholic" moment is when she talks about focusing on the crucifixion
- when suffering happens, remember the resurrection follows.
Finally, she is good at recognizing what lessons to impart
to our kids: to learn that to be human is "to love and forgive." To
be compassionate toward the lonely kids. And Robert Fulghum's message that
"Peace is not the absences of conflict but the ability to cope." And the idea that we all have gifts that are
sometimes hard to identify but are our bridge to others' hearts if we use them
well.
I liked the book because of these moments of insight, but I
struggle with how I feel about writers like Melton, Anne Lamott, Kathleen
Norris, etc. These are writers who are openly and devotedly Christian, but have
unorthodox views on social issues and call God "she," among other
theological quirks. On the one hand, these women are really good writers -
engaging tones, vivid descriptions, heart tugging stories of recovery and
redemption, and honest accountings of faults.
They draw people in and
present a face to Christianity that is attractive to people who are otherwise
repelled by the apparent hypocrisies of many Christians.
What is a turn off to me is when Melton uses cute phrases
like "life is brutiful." She use strong language, which can be a put
off to me also - for instance, the three prayers she tries to remember to pray
are 'please, thank you, and wtf?" Why the last? It's memorable - but too
cute. And I don't really think of myself as a warrior. Maybe I'm not fighting big enough battles. My addictions are all pretty minor compared to Melton's. But some people find these metaphors memorable and real or
authentic, which is a part of the
attraction of these writers.
But this claim to "authenticity" is another part
of what I struggle with. These are writers, I want to say. They specialize in
storytelling - making stuff up. Granted,
writers fabricate and exaggerate and manipulate reality sometimes - a lot of
the time - to get at something essential and true - but also some times that epiphany often isn't recognized until later, maybe even in the writing. I can't help but feel a little skeptical of
Melton's claim to be a truth teller. She
tells a good story, and most good stories have a big truth buried under a lot
of fabrication and editing. Melton
shares some great insights, but how much does she filter what she shares based
on keeping and expanding her audience?
Yesterday, I spent a good part of the day reading her second
book, Love Warrior, which reveals a lot more than her first book or her blog. I actually liked this book better, mostly
because it was a narrative and not a collection of edited blog posts, and it seemed more honest. It focuses on her fall into bulimia, drug and
alcohol abuse, followed by her sudden marriage, her recovery from bulimia and drug and alcohol
abuse, (in which Mary plays a role), and then the failing of her marriage
because of pornography, adultery, and an inability to communicate. The book reveals what a wonderful sister and
parents Melton has, along with describing some of the lessons she learned as
she healed - the welcoming arms of Mary leading to Christ, the reassurance that
she is loved by God as she is, the method of just focusing on doing the next
right thing, the need to face pain and suffering instead of hiding from it, the
ability to balance tension (developed in a yoga class), the desire to feel
known, the difference between wanting to be full of beauty and beautiful and
between wanting to be desired and being loved, the love and protectiveness she
feels for her children, the pain and vulnerability that loving another person
requires, the need to reconcile soul, mind, and body.
At the end of the book it looks like the marriage is on the
road to recovery because Melton and her husband learn to be more honest with
each other, but just before the book released Melton revealed that she and her
husband are separating. The reason isn't
revealed online, but Melton's book does illustrate how deeply wounded she was
by her husband's infidelity. I would think that kind of injury to a marriage is
difficult to heal, and the marriage began on rocky ground.
It's always sad when a marriage fails, for the family, for
the couple, for the greater community that needs strong marriages to
flourish. Who knows what really is at
the heart of their separation, but the reason given on the website was that
though they had experienced healing, she had healed into a different person. I
hope that is the reason, and not that the success she now has has made her want
different things. Something about
claiming to be a new person doesn't sound authentic to me. We all are changing all the time, becoming new
people every day. There is a part in Love Warrior about her search for her
true self while she is sitting on the beach that leads me to wonder who is my
true self? I don't think I would find her on the beach. The faces I present to
my kids, to my husband, to my family, to my friends, to strangers are all a
little different, but they are all me.
My mind changes daily.
So the books left me uncomfortable. Maybe I do need to be more self-aware. More likely I need to be less. I sometimes
think I should write a manifesto of what I believe - or a family mission
statement, or some kind of identity statement - something that would remind me
what we stand for when faced with difficult choices, but my mind changes too
often for that.
