On courage

 The funerals have begun in Uvalde. I'm afraid I had my numbers wrong in that last post. It seemed like each time I looked at the news the number of children who were gunned down increased.  And now this horrible news about the policemen who stood outside the door. I can't imagine how guilty they must feel. Did they really think no lives were at risk when a gunman had barricaded himself in the room? Did they not hear shots? Have they not heard theses stories before? 

I used to know someone who was a 911 operator. She is still my friend on Facebook, and she has sometimes posted about the difficulty of responding to so much trauma.  So many emergencies. Not often does she get a call, let alone multiple calls, from children pleading desperately for help. I know she would have tried valiantly to get help. How did the message not get to the men outside the door in that 45 minutes to an hour? 

And yet before I condemn them, what would I have done? Bravely smashed in the door? Broken in and put my own life on the line to save the children? I like to think that I would have thrown myself at the gunman, like the two teachers who died, but I may have cowered behind locked doors. I don't like conflict, let alone gunfights. I used to take on the bigger kids on the soccer field, but that doesn't mean I have the courage to face down a real criminal. I have had dreams about saving my children from drowning and from wildfires and from auto accidents, but I haven't dreamed of saving them from an active shooter. Perhaps that is the next drill to dream up. 

A day of mourning

My day started out well. It's my 49th birthday. What a strange and unlikely thing! I don't feel a day over, oh, maybe 33 -- other than the persistent pain in my feet and the fact that I don't recognize myself in the mirror or photographs sometimes. Who is that person with gray hair and wrinkles? I remember feeling quite sad to leave my thirties behind when I was turning 40. I feel equally sorry to not be 40 something for much longer, but the difference between 40 something and 50 something seems much smaller that between 30 something and 40 something. A 30 year old could still be considered young. I am decidedly middle aged, if not on the edge of old. 

The morning began with gifts and a walk with friends and my daughter during which we talked about what to do with the gift of another year of life? 

My daughter, who is my walking partner once again now that she is home from college, thinks I should try to run another marathon since I did one in my 20s and one in my 30s.  I would like to do more writing, I say every year.  I also say every year that I would like to organize photos and make photo books.  I'd like to make another trip to CA, a trip to NC and to MI to see cousins, and a trip to Boston to see our second son and then a little jaunt up to Maine to meet his girlfriend's parents. I'd like to go backpacking again. 

I have no shortage of things I'd like to do. And I feel blessed that I will get to do many of those things, unlike the 19 children and their teacher who died today, or the 13 who were murdered last week in New York.  I didn't hear the news about today's tragedy until midday, but once I became aware of the catastrophe, the celebratory nature of the day was over. I can't even imagine the mourning that must be happening in Uvalde, a town that is only three hours away. Our 15 year old came home from school nervous. She saw some statistic that there have been 27 school shootings in 2022. That's a number that is difficult to fathom, impossible to explain. Far too many people who won't have the opportunity to celebrate the gift of another year or life. 

The death of child is tragic; the death of multiple children is unconscionable. May God welcome them to Heaven, console their families, have mercy on all, and send healing to the broken hearted everywhere.

Horse and garden notes

I started writing this post two weeks ago and never finished, so it's a bit behind the times, but then, so am I!

I haven't reviewed any books lately, but I have read some good ones. The most emotional reading lately was a reread of Marguerite Henry's classic Misty of Chincoteague. I think I had already read it to the 8 year old, but she doesn't remember. It's the fourth or fifth time for me - Here's an old post from 2013 about reading it to my 4th grader - which would have been my college daughter. The story follows two young kids who help with the Chincoteague Island pony penning.  Paul and Maureen have their hearts set on trapping and buying the wild pony Phantom, but they get in the bargain her new foal Misty. Since Misty is too little to be separated for her mother, so Phantom lets herself be corralled. The children do gentle both horses, and the next year they win the race.  But they realize they that Phantom will never really belong to them - she will always be a wild thing.  Again I broke down into tears the moment Paul decides to let the Phantom, his wild pony, go. Assateague, the unsettled, wild island is always calling her home, as is the Pied Piper, her stallion. Paul and Maureen accomplished what they desired - they were able to ride the Phantom in the Pony Penning race, and the Phantom stayed to raise her colt, but her spirit was never broken.  Reading it this time, I again wondered why the title is Misty because the colt plays a very secondary role to the Phantom. Is it to divert young children's attention away from the difficult parts of the story? The entrapment of a wild thing vs. the quality of love that calls us to set something we love free? And yet how many children yearn to possess a wild pet - a baby squirrel, a monkey, a fawn? It's a desire that has launched a thousand books.  

I need to find photos to show the 8 yr old of our pilgrimage to Assateague and Chincoteague when our oldest boys were small. I also want to show her the running of the Kentucky Derby - Amazing! Hats off to the underdog winner and the jockey who guided her. Youtube led me to this similarly impressive video of Secretariat winning the Triple Crown by winning at Belmont in 1973 by 31 lengths - the year I was born. His record still stands. Incredible. 

I only saw the video because a horse loving friend shared it on Facebook. We were at the races ourselves today - the Texas private schools state meet. Our second daughter was a part of the first place 4x400 meter relay team. She also ran in the 4 x 200 meter team which placed 5th. I'm a little unhappy about that - not that 5th place in the state meet is something to be disappointed about, but because in the regional meet, the 4x200 took place immediately prior to the open 400m, which she also ran. But she didn't qualify in that race because she got confused about the finish line and slowed up early. The track was a 440 track, and had two solid lines on the track. If she weren't already tired from running the 4x200, she would have done better. It was also a hot hot day and she didn't eat and drink enough. She should have placed 2nd or 3rd in that race in the regional and 3rd or 4th in the state meet, but that's the heartbreak of athletics. I heard another girl crying under the bleachers after she went out in the pole vault about how she had to go to state. But she went out early and didn't qualify. Maybe a future scholarship was lost in an unlucky moment. Someone else might say that if you put in the practice time there are no unlucky moments, but that is a topic for another time. 

Other books I have been reading are about gardens - I've planted some annuals (petunias, tomatoes, peppers, herbs, some hanging baskets with petunias and ferns) and some perennials - lavender, an azalea, black-eyed Susans, Shasta daisies (which aren't looking very good), and transplanted some hostas and sedum from my mom's house. They are looking pretty well rooted. This past weekend, my mother-in-law sent me home with some hostas and some kind of ground cover that we thinned for her, but those were further along when we dug them up, and they are looking a bit floppy instead of full. They may not survive the summer, which is already in full force with temps over 90 for the past two weeks. This weekend it will cool a bit, but I'm already anticipating the death of the petunias and transplants. We'll see if I can nurse along the vegetables and herbs. I never got raised beds made, but I stuck them among the ornamental shrubbery planted in the existing raised beds around the pool.

Other recent reads -  a couple of best sellers for book club that took a couple hours to finish off after dinner like a tasty dessert- good at the moment, but not nourishing. Beautiful Ruins was about a filmmaker and actress and innkeeper on an Italian island in the 60's. A second plot follows an aspiring director and aspiring screenwriter. The dual plots eventually coincide. I can't say there were many surprises, but twists kept me turning pages and the characters were interesting enough. I also finished The Maid, a light mystery involving a neuro-divergent hotel housekeeper who gets mixed up in a drug-running operation. I didn't quite have the ending figured out in this one, but some outcomes were predictable. It was light and cheerful - not adjectives usually associated with murder mysteries, but the focus of the book was really more about this young woman's ability to live on her own after her grandmother who raised her passed away and about her perspective on human relationships.

More to come on recent developments - a college graduation, a high school graduation approaching, watching Downtown Abbey: A New Era with the girls, etc.

Celebrations

 Happy May!

I was talking to my Italian friend last Saturday, and she mentioned it was Italian Labor Day, which reminded me that it was also the Feast of St Joseph the Worker. We had a delicious homemade pasta dinner with homemade bread crafted by our college daughter, who is now home from Germany. She isn't exactly thrilled to be here instead of in California, where she has friends and could find a job where she could walk to work. So we are invoking St. Joseph to find her a good internship here, so she has a sense of purpose and belonging.  Dear St. Joseph the Worker, please pray for all our job seekers and help them find meaningful labor.

I am sympathetic to her lot. We are reliant on the car here, which I greatly regret, also. I do wonder if she could get a job at the local country club that is within walking distance. I'm sure they need lifeguards, but that's not the kind of position she is hoping for.  

Meanwhile, next weekend our third son will graduate from college, and he, too, has not discovered what he wants to do for a career. He is going to spend the summer at a farm run by Benedictine nuns in the Pacific Northwest - the same ones we honeymooned with twenty-five years ago. They have a farm internship program. He could stay the year, but he is hoping to still get selected for an English language teacher position in Spain. He is calling this his "Walden year" - sort of a graduate gap year. I am both thrilled and terrified with him - I would love to do the same thing, but I also fear he may be less hirable or less in touch with mentors - as I have found myself. I am still trying to decide what to do with myself, and I just reached out to another department chair with my resume - only to find that one of references is retiring in a month. I happy she will have more time to write and explore her interests, but I hope she'll still write me a reference....

We'll celebrate third son next weekend. This past weekend, in addition to celebrating having our oldest daughter home, we also celebrated our youngest daughter's First Communion. It was a beautiful ceremony - the church combines the public and private school kids, so it was a large group, but they were all looking lovely and anticipatory.  I was so glad our daughter had a Dominican sister for her teacher this year  - a young woman with a gentle but firm demeanor and a prayerful spirit. She has a sweet Canadian accent, too.  So I felt the kids had excellent preparation. I was slow to plan a party in hopes that some family might make the trip, but we did gather some neighbors and friends, including some old Navy friends from Guam who now have five little ones. 

The party continued for several hours (although no kids got in the pool because it was a sickly pale green - the effect of a pollen/oak flowers clogging the pump while it was off while we were in Indiana for Easter. After four or five filter washings, it finally is clear again, three weeks later. My husband was relentless.) until finally we had to announce an end because it was about time for us to all load up for prom photos. 

Our senior's big dance was happening that evening, and his group of friends planned to gather at the base of a famous bridge over the Colorado River (the Texas one) before dinner at a friend's house, to which parents were also invited, and then carpool to the dance, before going to an after party at another friend's house, and then finally our son and some boys returned here to sleep, while the girls stayed at the girl house. 

If there is one great thing about this move, it is the wonderful group of friends our son has made. I want to get to know the parents better because I like them and I crave some friendships. For several families, these are their youngest kids heading off to college after parenting several others, and they are planning an empty nest club to get together and visit. I'm not quite there yet, but I'd like to join them anyway for coffee or wine or seltzer or whatever. My Bible Study group is also older moms - several of whom started the study group when their kids were little - and all the talk is of kids graduating and going to college, or graduating college and getting jobs, or getting married. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was a part of the groups talking about potty training and sleeping through the night, but it still feels just as reassuring to have a group of friends to talk about these great milestones - and the small stumbling blocks and successes along the way. 

So April has ended with two big celebrations, and May is underway, the days ticking by too quickly. We have the state track meet tomorrow, then Mother's Day and a soccer game, the last week of school for my community college class (just when I was questioning whether I would return to teaching ESL in the fall, my students gave me sweet Teacher Appreciation gifts and thoughtful notes.) and grading for my online class. I'm looking forward to a little done time come the middle of June. 

For now, here are some pictures of the First Communicant and the Prom Goer. 

Next I want to order some Mother's Day gifts for my own mom and mother-in-law, and hope they won't be too too late.

The celebrant and her cake. 

It's been a while since I decorated a cake and we didn't have a great selection of colors any more. This was a joint effort cake

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Is this cutie a senior? Pre-internet baby photos.

Dance moves at a wedding.

Senior Prom. Ready to make some dance moves

First Dance Freshman Year 

She's wearing the same dress and shoes her sisters wore, and my wedding veil - which her sisters wore also. I'm wearing the same skirt and sweater set and pearls that I've worn for four or five First Communions. 

Portrait with her patron, St. Catherine of Siena. I love these mosaics at our parish.

The moment. No chalice this time.

A robins' egg, by dad thought was candy and immediately tried to eat

Willie Nelson and George Strait in concert. My husband got free tix but I let my daughter go to cheer her up. I'm not sure she appreciated the historical momentousness. d

District track meet - qualified on relay teams, but choked in the open 400. Was in third/fourth, but stopped too soon at a line that was for the hundred hurdles, so she ended up 5th. 

Meanwhile we got to go the Earth, Wind, and Fire concert for free for the grand opening of the new event space at UT, the Moody Center. Great show! 

It's been awhile since we had a date night.

Husband at the opening ceremony with the real Matthew McConaughey 

 

 

 

 

 

Guess who said yes to coaching?

Soccer player amongst the bluebonnets. The wildflowers here are beautiful.

First dance, freshman year

The pool is open and clear!