Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Memorial Day Weekend

We keep meaning to travel to the northern part of California to see the giant trees and the beautiful mountains, but our plans keep being rearranged. We thought we could take advantage of the three day weekend to do so, even though Memorial Day weekend is typically a busy weekend for everyone: a holiday, high school graduations, end of the school year. We have the additional event of my birthday, so in celebration I thought could plan a family outing.

But our plans for the weekend were rearranged after my son's 4x400 team qualified for the next level of high school track competition.  We cancelled our plans to camp in Sequoia National Park and to see some friends in Fresno in order to head to LA again.
Run! Catch them!

Since we had the extra day, at the last minute I decided to pursue a shorter, closer camping trip, but most of the reservable spots across America were reserved. We had some local friends who had mentioned wanting to camp, so I invited them along, thinking we might find a first come, first served site. They didn't want to wing it, so they decided to reserve a couple spots at the beach campground on a nearby Navy base.

My first reaction was not positive. I don't like beach camping. I wanted mountains and trees. I wanted to force my kids to commune with nature. I wanted my original plan, and if not that, my secondary plan.

But I had involved other people. Now I felt like I had to make other people happy, including my kids. They liked the idea of hanging with friends better than communing with nature with their immediate family

The quandary caused me to squint excessively. My husband sighed. He knows how I operate. I don't like shifting directions.  It takes me so long to commit to an idea that changing it is upsetting. I also don't like conflict and I don't like disappointing people.

Sometimes knowing you have a predisposition to a certain personality trait means you can control or at least temper it. Other times it means you have to ask for forgiveness.

I know I can get anxious about making decisions, especially when the decisions involve other people. I also have a hard time not feeling regret when I do make a decision. Usually, the reasons to feel regret are unimportant in comparison to the reasons to be grateful.

In the end we split the decision. We went for hike in the Los Padres National Forest and even checked out the first come, first serve campsites. One was available, but by the time we drove by it, all but one of my kids were threatening to mutiny if we didn't camp with friends, even though these friends' kids are much younger than mine. My husband wanted to camp with just our family because we have so little family camp time available, but we were both willing to compromise to keep the happiness quotient at a midrange rather than letting it fall into the lower end.

It wasn't what I imagined, but the weekend was nice, nonetheless. I'm sorry we didn't fit in a patriotic activity on the actual Memorial Day, other than a prayer for servicemembers who have died before we ate our burgers, but I can usually find a reason to be sorry for something, as well as many reasons to be grateful for another year of life, another discovery of God's grandeur and sense of humor, another collection of happy memories to add to the memory bank.

Hurrah! Birthday coffee cake at a morning celebration.

Wildflowers and hikers in the Los Padres National Forest

The rock climber extraordinaire.


A view of Piedra Blanca, the white sandstone rocks that were our destination.

Rock hopping


The four boys ready to explore.
My less enthusiastic hikers.




The iphone couldn't capture the color in this shrub

A hazard of beach camping: being so close to your neighbors you can hear them snore. 

Another hazard: Breeding seals. Fascinating and funny creatures.

A hazard of letting your husband shop for camp food: SPAM. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Wanting my own way

The teenagers are causing me angst.  It's not their behavior. It's the decisions we have to make. Or rather, they have to make. How can I agonize so much over mission trips and summer jobs and camps? I'm having a hard time letting them make up their own minds.  Looming like a dark cloud is the specter of college decisions. The oldest filled out an inquiry form for the Naval Academy. NOOOO! I want to say. You'll have no control over your life!

And yet we've met so many people we've loved.  And been to so many wonderful places. And then we had to leave them all.
Tarague Beach, Guam

Daily I am confronting my need to control everyone and everything in my household. I snap at the kids and the husband when plans for the weekend fall through. No camping trip in Sequoia this weekend. No swim team for the summer. I keep trying to direct the kids toward what I want them to do - read this book! Clean your room! Draw a picture for a card! Get off the computer! Think about what you want to do with your life! I feel like the scroogey dad in that old Twisted Sister video.

It's a good thing we have a baby in the house because those tense moments are punctuated by coos and gurgles - we're all trying really hard to get the baby to smile. Half an hour can pass while we make faces over her or watch her make faces. Baby TV.

Almost caught the smile!
Picking matching outfits.

She must have said something really funny. Or pooped.


Most photographed baby ever. I keep finding more photos on my phone.

Over the weekend we watched Forest Gump with the older boys, and I started to feel weepy.  Not so much because of the movie - I'm not one to succumb to tearjerkers, although I love when Forest runs - but because life is changing so rapidly, both my home life and life at large. I had forgotten some of the overtly religious moments in that movie. Mrs. Gump talking about God. Lt. Dan challenging God in the hurricane. Forest's loyalty to his friends and family. References to fate vs. free will. Could that movie be made today? Is it going to be harder and harder to make movies in which a Christian worldview is a given?

A radio interview on NPR with two pot smokers made me realize yet again how that less and less is taboo. Fewer things are scandalous. As the concept of sin disappears so does drama.  Will metaphysical conflicts like that of Lt. Dan lose their ability to cause suspense?  Will art and literature no longer be created around the conflict between man and God - will that interior conflict no longer mean anything if communal faith is banned from the marketplace?

In the newspaper I came across the quote from William Faulkner from Requiem for a Nun that captures some of the melancholy of the weekend: "The past is never dead; it's not even past. If it were, there would be no grief or sorrow." No doubt art and literature will continue to play around the drama of love and loss.

And the conflict between parent and child still exists. In our home, the conflict is almost all within me for now. I want my son to make his own decisions about what and where he studies, but I also want to make that decision for him.  I struggle to find a balance between guiding and controlling. The next year will test my resolve to be a source of guidance and encouragement.  These little boys, and their siblings, have been a source of delight all their lives.
Delighted by cake.
Good kids.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

More to celebrate

Ah, May! The month of Mary and of mothers working harder than ever to accommodate all the end of the school year celebrations, projects, events, etc...

The first weekend in May brought the talent show at the high school, in addition to a track meet and the last soccer games, and the normal weekend here and there. Our second son played the ukulele and sang a duet with his friend, a catchy tune about sitting around the fireside that they made up while sitting around the fireside, of course. They were, in my mind at least, the best act among American Idol wannabes, rockers whose screaming you couldn't understand, and amusing but adolescent skits.  Some of the other kids were really talented. Some were not. It was a fun night. I left feeling wistful that here this son has made friends and flourished at this school that we are probably going to have to pull him from right before his senior year. He's so happy here. But he was so happy in Guam, and at the end in Mississippi, and in Virginia... we've only been here 10 months and he's got a pool of friends whom I really like. So, I tell myself, it shouldn't take him long to make new friends the next time around. I pray for all my kids to grow in resilience in a positive way.

I also pray for this little person, the First Communicant. She would have been our last first communicant, my husband and I mused Friday evening as we worked on decorating her cake and mixing up eats for a little party the next day, if not for the newest member of the fam (hold on to that dress!).  I hope we covered all the catechism points we should have. I was so much more mindful with the older kids. This young lady has a wonderful teacher at school, so I'm happy about that, but she also is the kind of kid who plays happily and quietly in another room or outside during those moments when I actually have enough consciousness to give her a talk or reading to. How does she manage to slip away so silently when I'm just about ready to sit with her? Usually some other child conveniently comes in with a need or problem to distract me from the moment. So I pray she gets it.  She seemed thrilled about her day despite some unnatural smiles  for the camera.

Trying to corral the princesses
No more photos!
Happy day


And then Mother's Day. It was a beautiful day. I received the traditional breakfast in bed, California style: a huevos ranchero burrito with avocado, fresh fruit, and a yummy ginger berry smoothie. My kids could open a cafe (if only they could learn to clean up.)  Then we had a lovely Mass where all the moms received roses. I got to pick the schedule for the rest of the afternoon. Ready for an adventure after weeks of sticking close to home, I picked a trip to do the short but picturesque hike to Nojoqui Falls (not no-joke-we, as in "no joke, we might see water," heh,heh, but no-ho-way, I learned later from a local), followed by a tour of the Santa Ynez mission, and treats in the little Danish town of Solvang. And then salmon and pesto pasta for dinner at the cousins. A great day!


The pretty drive

Baby selfie in her car seat

No cougars!

Artistic photograph courtesy one of the children

The falls - there actually was water dripping!


Off the beaten path

The gang
Come to California to see windmills

From the Mission Museum

The mission gardens


Pretty Mission Santa Ynez (Agnes)

Mermaids

Solvang has a little museum dedicated to Hans Christian Anderson

The Book Loft -I rate this bookstore higher than Bart's Books. Alert the list makers.

Perfect gift for the bibliophile you love: Jane Austen Tees. (Other authors available.)
My son offered to get me one for a gift until he saw the price.

Mmm, aebleskiver a la mode.
Roses at the mission



More Book Notes

Book notes are something I primarily do for myself. Someone - I think it was Melanie Bettinelli but I can't find it - shared a link to an article about how people are reading in order to post about it, or they are thinking about what they are going to post about a book while they are reading it. At first I felt defensive when I read the article: I don't post on Facebook what I'm reading! ... but I do on my blog. And I have asked myself, "Is this a bloggable book?" I pick books to read based on other people's social media recommendations and I also admit I read books that are lists of books that someone says you should read to be well read in order to be well read.

Is it a problem to read a book with an eye to what you can say about it? Book reviewers do it. There's an air of vanity about reading in order to look smart.  But didn't people used to read books so they'd have something to talk about at parties? Weren't people motivated by the desire to look intellectual at the next salon? I used to be inspired to read more by characters in books who were well read. I wanted to be a great books major so I could recognize the references to Homer and the Bible and Shakespeare in old books.  And I wanted to read all the books on the list of books to read to be well educated in order to look well educated as much as to be well educated.

Who doesn't have mixed motivations for reading, along with so many other things we do? Yes, I sometimes read with an eye to what I can post on a blog.  But I like reading what other people write about books in order to determine what to read next or to see what someone else thinks about a book I found difficult or confusing. I have many times gained a greater appreciation for a book I thought was so-so by reading or listening to someone else point out what they like about a book or a connection I missed.  This sharing of insight is also why I like reading in groups - book clubs in real life or online. Book clubs encourage me to pick up a book I might not have read otherwise. And sometimes I feel justified in not having read that book before... but talking about even a mediocre or bad book over a cup of coffee in someone's living room, or at the coffee shop, or in front of the computer, creates connections between people as well as between the reader and writer.

One last reason I post on a blog about what I read is so that I will actually learn something from a book. I find that although there are many books that I really enjoy reading or that I find very inspirational or beautiful or whatever, I can't really say why I like them unless I go back a second or third time to the book and start looking at the text more closely. Blogging about a book (or taking notes for a class) forces me to do this. When I go back to pages I marked and copy out passages, I gain greater insight into the book - and into what I was thinking at the time. Sometimes I wonder, "Why did I underline this?" or why not that... Sometimes I see connections I didn't see before.

So yes, sometimes I read books for vain reasons. But there are a host of other reasons to be a social reader. Conviviality and sharing ideas override vanity in the ranking of motivations, in my mind.

Hence, some book notes:

Francine Prose in Reading Like a Writer  also recommends copying out favorite passages for books, not just to remember content but to study an author's style.  I'm a big fan of writing as a means of remembering - and I wish I had made my kids do more copy work than what they did.  In the end I gave up on handwriting programs and just picked sentences or stanzas for the kids to copy those last couple years of home schooling.  Perhaps that is why they have such bad penmanship, but they did learn a couple Bible verses, retained for at least for a week.

But about Prose's book - it's a book about reading and writing and helpful in many ways. She devotes chapters to Word, Sentences, Paragraphs, Character, Dialogue, Gesture, Narration, and Details, among other topics important to both writers and readers and wannabe writers.

From the chapter about Prose's love affair with Chekhov, I copied this long passage, from one of Chekhov's letters:
"That the world 'swarms with male and female scum' is perfectly true. Human nature is imperfect. But to think that the task of literature is to gather the pure grain from the muck heap is to reject literature itself. Artistic literature is called so because it depicts life as it really is. Its aim is truth -- unconditional and honest. A writer is not a confectioner, not a dealer in cosmetics, not an entertainer; he is a man bound under compulsion, by the realization of his duty and by his conscience. To a chemist, nothing on earth is unclean. A writer must be as objection as a chemist.
It seems to me that the writer should not try to solve such questions as those of God, pessimism, etc. His business is but to describe those who have been speaking or thinking about God and pessimism, how and under what circumstances. The artist should be not the judge of his characters and their conversations, but only an unbiased observer.
You are right in demanding that an artist should take an intelligent attitude to his work, but you confuse two things: solving a problem and stating a problem correctly. It is only the second that is obligatory for the artist.
It is time for writers to admit that nothing in this world makes sense. Only fools and charlatans think they know and understand everything. The stupider they are, the wider they conceive their horizons to be. And if an artist decides to declare that he understands nothing of what he sees -- this in itself constitutes a considerable clarity in the realm of thought, and a great step forward."
Makes me want to read Chekhov.

Which is why it is hard to write a book about writing and to try to teach writing.  Prose wishes she had told her class: "Forget observation, consciousness, clear-sightedness. Forget about life. Read Chekhov, read the stories straight through. Admit that you understand nothing of life, nothing of what you see. Then go out and look at the world."

Some of the writers Prose recommends I'm not familiar with and some I am.   Prose praises the oddball characters, the unlikable, unsympathetic, insane, obsessed, criminals in novels by authors like Beckett, Gogol, William Trevor, Patricia Highsmith (the later I've never read). Other authors she mentions: Dorothy Sayers, Isaac Babel, James Baldwin, Balzac, Barthelme, Brodkey, Baxter, Bowen, Elizabeth, Jane and Paul Bowles, Italo Calvino, Raymond Carver, Chekhov, Stuart Dybek, Junot Diaz, Mavis Gallant, Gogol, Henry Green, Randall Jarrell, Diane Johnson, Denis Johnson, Samuel Johnson, Nadexdha Mandelstam, John Le Carre, Marquez ,Alic Munro, Tim O'Brien, ZZ Packer, Tatyana Tolstaya, William Trevor, Tolstoy, Tugenev, Rebecca West, Joy Williams, Virginia Woolf, Richard Yates, et al.

Prose muses at the end: "Reading can even offer the writer courage during those moments when (given how much suffering there is in the world, the dangers looming around us) the very act of writing itself begins to seem suspect. Who can be saved by a terrific sonnet? Whom can we feed with a short story?"

Then she closes with Czeslaw Milosz's translation of Zbigniew Herbert's poem "Five Men," which she sent to a friend concerned that she was writing "weeds" instead of "roses."  Prose's answer is "So one final reason for reading is to confront this problem of roses versus weeds in the company of geniuses, and with the pleasure of looking at the roses that have actually been produced, against all odds. If we want to write, it makes sense to read -- and to read like a writer. If we wanted to grow roses, we would want to visit rose gardens and try to see them the way that a rose gardener would."

"Literature is an endless source of courage and confirmation." Can social media compare?

****************
The novel I read next, The Known World, by Edward P Jones, is a Pulitzer Prize winner. It's the story of the interconnected world of a fictional Virginia County - Montgomery. The largest landowner, William Robbins, allows a couple of his slaves to buy their freedom and that of their son, Henry Townsend. Robbins also frees his slave mistress and her children by him. These free blacks make a life for themselves in the County, not fleeing to the north. Henry marries another free black woman that he met through their teacher, Miss Fern. They also become friends with Dora and Louis, Robbins' children. Robbins makes Henry his protege and schools him in running a plantation. Tensions rise as Henry buys slaves and  becomes a landowner.  And when Henry dies, his small empire begins to crumble under Caldonia's lack of leadership.

This book was my distraction during labor. My mom had finished it on her trip out here. I enjoyed reading it, and it fulfilled its purpose: it was distracting.  I can't say I loved it - it's written in an interesting style: a non-linear narrative, shifts in focus, fabricated "facts" about Montgomery County mixed in with the plot. And the characters and the context are interesting, but it hasn't haunted me. In fact, I had to go back and look up the names when I was writing up this summary. It would be a good book to read with a book club. My current book club tends to read books like "A Child Called It" and "Language of Flowers," pretty accessible.  This book was perhaps most interesting because of the interplay between the free blacks and the black slaves they owned. 

While we watched Twelve Years A Slave over spring break, this book came back to me. The movie makes the slave owners seem so wholly depraved, while this book, written by a black man, acknowledges the mixed influences that contributed to the perpetuation of slave holding in America.  What is perhaps most fascinating to me is the complex and seemingly swift change in perception and mental attitudes towards slavery.  Maybe it wasn't as quick a shift as I imagine, but how did it go from being legal to being abhorrent in the course of a couple generations? I wonder if the cultural shifts regarding marriage and Christianity will follow the same pattern. 

********************
The last book I wanted to make notes about is Willa Cather's A Lost Lady.  I have the same feelings about Willa Cather that Prose has for Chekhov - Cather has a wideness of vision that makes you feel that the whole world is beautiful and interesting but dangerous and full of sympathetic, disillusioned characters. She presents characters who are beautiful but flawed and whose motivations are not entirely clear. In this case, it is Mrs. Forester, the beautiful young wife of a railroader who settles in a little western town and is admired by the town boys, especially Niel Herbert, who falls in love with her. As a boy, Niel admires her for her beauty, sophistication, and kindness, but as he ages, he is disappointed by her failure to live up to his admiration.  Her husband, many years older than herself, falls ill, and she can't go to Colorado Springs for the winters any more. She begins to drink and to associate with another man.  Gradually, her shining exterior is blemished, and Niel's youthful idolatry changes into a sense of disappointment and loss. Does she fall from grace out of loneliness, vanity, desperation?  Her husband seems blind to her indiscretions, but "The longer Niel was with Captain Forrester in those peaceful closing days of his life, the more he felt that the Captain knew his wife better even than she knew herself; and that, knowing her, he, - to use one of his own expressions - valued her."  So even when she is false to him, he admires her.

But is this "valuing" not the same as loving? Do Niel and Mr. Forrester both betray her by not admitting her betrayal? Maybe she wants to be caught, to have the excitement of an argument and the consolation of a reconciliation?  Is there some irony in Niel's conversation with another friend from his childhood who brings news of her last days:  "She was well taken care of till the end. We may be glad of that"  Maybe she didn't want to be well cared for? Maybe she wanted a little more independence. Cather makes Niel's voice and vision the perspective from which the story is related, but as I'm reading this the second time in middle age, I have a little more compassion for Mrs. Forrester than I did when I read the book as a young person.  Her position doesn't excuse her behavior, but it's easy to see how ideals can fade as you age if you don't keep them burnished. Perhaps that is why the Captain continues to value his wife even as she betrays him.

*****

Also just finished reading Mr. Popper's Penguins with the kids - I'd never read it myself, even though the older boys read it at some point. Good fun. Although right after I praised Mr. Popper for making the right decision about what is good for the penguins, he runs off on his wife and kids for a couple years of arctic exploration. And all Mrs. Popper can say is that she's glad she won't have to work so hard to clean the house when he's not around. She's such a good sport. She'd make a good military wife.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Sometimes there are days like this

One night last week the baby had one of those crying jags that wouldn't quit. She didn't want to nurse, she didn't want to be held, she didn't want to be put down. She didn't need a diaper change. My husband couldn't console her; I couldn't console her. She was upset about something and we just had to wait it out. And eventually, although it seemed forever, her cries turned into whimpers, and she sniffled herself to sleep.

It was heartbreaking and nervewracking. My husband thought I needed to lay down with her and nurse her, but I had tried that and she had spit up all over me. I yelled back at him that I knew what I was doing. Which was nothing. Just holding her and humming and waiting.  I really didn't know what to do.

We had been out all afternoon and I think she was overstimulated. I can't sleep when I have too much excitement either.

While we were out, I realized I had forgotten an extra outfit and didn't have enough wipes. Even the simplest part of parenting - how to pack a diaper bag - I have forgotten.  That can be relearned. Soothing a fussy baby is sometimes simply a matter of enduring the unhappiness.  Maybe there is a vouchsafe method for calming down a crier - brandy on the gums?  - but I don't believe there is any way that works for every baby all the time.

So much of parenting is guesswork.  My mom left an Atlantic Monthly here with the article about children needing space to take risks. The author argues that kids need to play unsupervised to develop their creativity and self-confidence through risk taking.  I read this and wonder whether I let my kids play alone enough. The 9 year old and 7 year old don't roam the neighborhood here. There's a weird guy with green hair who lives with his parents across the street. He punched a homeless guy the other day when they were fighting over the homeless babe (who lives behind the grocery store a couple blocks away).  I've told the kids to come inside if he is outside.  He's probably not a risk to my children - but I'm content with being overprotective in this situation.

Meanwhile our backyard is too small to have hiding places, but the nine year old has fallen out of the avocado tree twice when he has tried to climb too high, seeking elevation if not isolation.  Next time will surely involve a trip to the ER, although both times I told him that I was not going to take him there.

I went to the ER anyway - I had to take my husband a few days ago. He tore ligaments in his shoulder while coaching soccer - the last practice of the season!  It ended up being convenient to take him because one of the high schoolers had missed his ride and needed to be picked up, although I had been waiting for a friend to come by to drop off a supper. She was running late and I had to take another son to scouts. Leaving a message for the friend, I rushed my husband to the hospital, picked up the teen, dropped off the eighth grader at scouts and went home to nurse the baby again before the husband was finished getting x-rayed.  Days like this sometimes happen.

Days with the free time to roam and play are much rarer.  I have not been using my roaming time well. I roam the internet too often, instead of the outdoors - or the mind.  My mind when left to wander obsesses about the upcoming decisions that have to be made - immediate decisions like planning a First Communion party, intermediate decisions about summer travel and activities, and big, agonizing decisions like choices about future jobs and moves and college.  More guesswork.  Choices overwhelm me, and when confronted with two goods, it's sometimes bittersweet to have to say no or goodbye to someone or something.

It's way too soon to get weepy about moving again.  I'm trying to remind myself to enjoy these spring days because time is marching on. Last night during one of her quiet, alert phases, the baby flashed a couple of her rare smiles. My oldest had just come home from practice and was holding her while we were saying prayers with all the kids. For a moment, everyone was quiet and alert.  Although that crying jag may have seemed interminable, watching my high schooler hold his happy baby sister last night was a reminder that these moments are fleeting and to be treasured.  Sometimes our guesses turn out all right.
Garden mash-up
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
-Lemony Snicket