Bittersweet photo!

I found this little gem of a photo today, it was me in the first dress that I sewed. I was so stinkin proud of that dress. My friend's Mom helped me make it and it was like a whole other world of Creating and possibilities were opened to me! When I looked at this photo there was a bittersweet feeling that came over me. I was trying to think of the age I was there ( probably somewhere between 10-12 years old ). 

 You are probably wondering why it was bittersweet? Well it was sweet... because I was creating and that seemed to help me escape to a happier place. Bitter... because that was the height of my abuse that was going on by my Grandfather, and so you may look and see my smile... but I had a lot of pain behind that smile ( which is very common with victims of abuse ). 

It makes me have a ton of emotions when I look at it. I wish I could jump in the photo and just hold that little Lynn, let her know that she was beautiful inside and out...even though she didn't feel that way! I wish I could have told her that she would live through this, that she would meet and marry the most incredible man, the love of her life ( who would protect and love her forever ). I would tell her... that her dream of becoming a Mother, would come true, and that she would have 4 beautiful amazing children who would make her happier than even she could even imagine! I would tell her that her Crafts and Hobbies, (which seemed the only thing that took her to another place... a happy place) she would be able to continue to do, and be able to bless others from her creations. I would tell her that some day she would be brave enough to break a whole generation of Abuse ( and protect generations to come, by doing so ), she would become a Survivor! That she would be able to some day share her story and that by doing so...she could help others become Survivors too!

Then I would tell her that she would have the chance to be a Grandmother ( Nana ) and that she could share her love for creating with them too. I would tell her when she gets to be in her 50's she will be able to have the best job ever ( other than being a Nana ), she will teach others to create and share their creations!

Yes, I would hold her and tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her... and to just hold on, because her life was just going to start getting better and better in just a few more years!

Good Night dear friends!

Ways to create a better life!

This is definitely good advice...

It took me a few years to learn some of these things... a little later than I had hoped but I did.
And even some times I forget them... and have to remember them again! Life is all about the lessons! Learn them and try to live them each day of your life!
Good night dear friends!

Believing in yourself!

From the time I was a little girl, I always imagined that if I lived through my ordeal...that some day, some how I would find my true love; and he and I would make a better and safer life for our kids. That the next generation would break away from the other generations of Abuse. That was something that drove me to not only to survive my abuse, but to thrive in my life as an adult.
 I have to admit that I did not survive without some scars. It is those scars that I continue to work on. I continue to not only make my life better... but teach other victims out there, that there is HOPE for them too!
What a crazy and amazing journey this life has been. When I read this quote, I thought that is so true, we don't want to live our life with regrets. We need to believe in ourselves and then learn to love ourselves, when we can do that...our LIGHT begins to shine and then and only then, can we be able to help someone else!
Thanks for sharing your light with me!
Good Night dear friends!

A great poet!

Author Maya Angelou dies at 86 in North Carolina

Reuters

U.S. poet Maya Angelou speaks during a ceremony to honor South African Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu in Washington in this file photo taken November 21, 2008.

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NEW YORK (AP) — Maya Angelou's story awed millions. A childhood victim of rape, she broke through silence and shame to tell her tale in one of the most widely read memoirs of the 20th century. A black woman born into poverty and segregation, she recited the most popular presidential inaugural poem in history.

"I'm not modest," she told The Associated Press in 2013. "I have no modesty. Modesty is a learned behavior. But I do pray for humility, because humility comes from the inside out."

Angelou, a renaissance woman and cultural pioneer, died Wednesday at her home in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. She was 86.

"She lived a life as a teacher, activist, artist and human being. She was a warrior for equality, tolerance and peace," said her son, Guy B. Johnson.

Tall and regal, with a deep, majestic voice, she was unforgettable whether encountered in person, through sound or the printed word. She was an actress, singer and dancer in the 1950s and 1960s and made a brave and sensational debut as an author in 1969 with "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," which became standard (and occasionally censored) reading and made Angelou one of the first black women to enjoy mainstream literary success.

"Caged Bird" was the start of a multipart autobiography that continued through the decades and captured a life of hopeless obscurity and triumphant, kaleidoscopic fame.

The world was watching in 1993 when she read her cautiously hopeful "On the Pulse of the Morning" at President Bill Clinton's first inauguration. Her confident performance openly delighted Clinton and made publishing history by making a poem a best-seller. For President George W. Bush, she read another poem, "Amazing Peace," at the 2005 Christmas tree lighting ceremony at the White House. Presidents honored her in return with a National Medal of Arts and the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the country's highest civilian honor. In 2013, she received an honorary National Book Award.

She called herself a poet, in love with the "sound of language," ''the music in language," as she explained to the AP in 2013. But she lived so many lives. She was a wonder to Toni Morrison, who marveled at Angelou's freedom from inhibition, her willingness to celebrate her own achievements. She was a mentor to Oprah Winfrey, whom she befriended when Winfrey was still a local television reporter, and often appeared on her friend's talk show program. She mastered several languages and published not just poetry but advice books, cookbooks and children's stories. She wrote music, plays and screenplays, received an Emmy nomination for her acting in "Roots," and never lost her passion for dance, the art she considered closest to poetry.

"The line of the dancer: If you watch (Mikhail) Baryshnikov and you see that line, that's what the poet tries for. The poet tries for the line, the balance," she told The Associated Press in 2008, shortly before her 80th birthday.

Her very name was a reinvention. Angelou was born Marguerite Johnson in St. Louis and raised in Stamps, Arkansas, and San Francisco, moving back and forth between her parents and her grandmother. She was smart and fresh to the point of danger, packed off by her family to California after sassing a white store clerk in Arkansas. Other times, she didn't speak at all: At age 7, she was raped by her mother's boyfriend and didn't talk for years. She learned by reading, and listening.

"I loved the poetry that was sung in the black church: 'Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt's land,'" she told the AP. "It just seemed to me the most wonderful way of talking. And 'Deep River.' Ooh! Even now it can catch me. And then I started reading, really reading, at about 7 1/2, because a woman in my town took me to the library, a black school library. ... And I read every book, even if I didn't understand it."

At age 9, she was writing poetry. By 17, she was a single mother. In her early 20s, she danced at a strip joint, ran a brothel, got married and then divorced. But by her mid-20s, she was performing at the Purple Onion in San Francisco, where she shared billing with another future star, Phyllis Diller. She also spent a few days with Billie Holiday, who was kind enough to sing a lullaby to Angelou's son, surly enough to heckle her off the stage and astute enough to tell her: "You're going to be famous. But it won't be for singing."

After renaming herself Maya Angelou for the stage ("Maya" was a childhood nickname, "Angelou" a variation of her husband's name), she toured in "Porgy and Bess" and Jean Genet's "The Blacks" and danced with Alvin Ailey. She worked as a coordinator for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference and lived for years in Egypt and Ghana, where she met Nelson Mandela, a longtime friend; and Malcolm X, to whom she remained close until his assassination, in 1965. Three years later, she was helping King organize the Poor People's March in Memphis, Tennessee, where the civil rights leader was slain on Angelou's 40th birthday.

"Every year, on that day, Coretta and I would send each other flowers," Angelou said of King's widow, Coretta Scott King, who died in 2006.
Found the article HERE:

AP Photo: Charles 

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Learning to be your own Heroine in your life!

We just flew home from Austin tonight. It was hard to leave the kids, but felt good that most of their house was unpacked and cleaned; and best of all...it looked like HOME! Little Kai is such a cutie, so glad we had that time with him. Our son and his family are on a great adventure starting off on his own business, together I am sure they will do a great job. Their talents truly compliment each other. They already have some friends there so...that makes us feel good too!
Tonight it is late and I need to head to bed, but wanted to mention one thing. I receive emails too often from people who have suffered from sexual abuse. Most of the problem is, even when they get brave enough to tell... they aren't believed or they are  even BLAMED ( if you can believe that !) Not being believed or blamed, can send you down many self destructive roads IF you aren't careful. I guess the truth is...you have to believe in yourself...before you can start down that road of healing. When you finally realized that every day that you continue to keep quiet, stay a victim, hurt yourself...that you are just continuing to give your abuser...power over you. The moment you stand up and say "NO MORE" is when you life will begin to turn around. You will be able to see things much clearer and you will start taking care of yourself and start protecting yourself. You will begin to get the power that you need to become a SURVIVOR! Then and only then, will your life really start to begin. So please if you yourself have been abused or someone you know is being abused....help them, pray for them and most of all believe them! Help them to read this quote below and realize that they truly can become their own Heroine or Hero in their life.
Good night dear friends!

A child that survived!

When I first saw this photo and read the quote, I thought...that is me! I was drawing my Mom said from the time I could sit up and use my little fingers. Now I know a lot of kids who are NOT abused, like to draw and color. But for me, my art was a way to escape without ever leaving my home. When I drew or painted, I was happy. When I created, it made me feel safe and of some worth.
 So even though this little girl may not be a victim of abuse, then again she might be. The fact is there is way too much abuse in the world today and it is our job as friends, family, teachers, and adults to PROTECT them as much as we can. Most will survive, but they usually will have to go somewhere ( even if it is in their minds ) to survive.
I am a survivor of incest, I am an artist ...and how grateful I am for the opportunity to escape my world... as soon as my paint brush touched the canvas.
Good night dear friends!

What are you thinking about?

Our thoughts are very important in our every day lives. I have written and spoken about how important it is for us to learn to control our thoughts. I heard a reporter talking on the radio the other day, about treatments that are out there for those who have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The report was about the success that they were having with a certain type of therapy... that helps the victim with their thoughts about the trauma, for many times they said that it is their thoughts that keep them held hostage for years with PTS Syndrome. I read a bit more about it here:
Anyway, this is a MOTIVATIONAL blog, so I will try to tell you why I mentioned such a dark subject?  I guess because I have been there and done that. I was a child of incest and suffered for many, many years with PTS Syndrome, although I had never heard of that in my life. I suffered many of the symptoms that they mentioned in the article, and even every now and then find myself haunted ( if only for a moment ) by a few of them but that Far and Few Between....all the good that I have in my life.
 How did I get help? Well,  you can go back in this blog and read about all of this ( just put the word abuse in the search engine ) and I don't need to repeat it but, it was when I finally told someone ...and they believed me! That was the beginning of my going and getting professional help. That is where I began, that is where I started to not only learn how to live a happy life, but I learned how to help others by sharing my story.
So like I have written many times in my blog, it is vital that we know what are thoughts are, that we learn how to control them and that we learn how to keep and continue having more and more happy thougths in our minds. Our thoughts are very powerful ...for good and bad. But we have the final say one what we continue to act out on the stage of our minds. I personally had to find and study some really important things about thoughts to realize that I have control over them. When I found that out and really started to believe that...then life became good! And I was no longer a VICTIM!
So if you can, stop and think about your thoughts...are they good, happy, sad and depressing? Do you want to change them? Would you be willing to learn how to do that? You can find a few articles that I have written or put in my blog about this very subject. (Just put the word Thoughts in the search engine.)  If so, there are counselors out there to help, there are books out there to help, there are churches out there to help. Yes, there is a ton of help out there, if we would only allow our thoughts to believe that we are really worth helping! I promise you ...that you are!
Good night dear friends!

Bigger than me days, in a row!

Now normally when I have a Bigger Than Me Day, I share it with you. I believe that talking to others does help, plus I think it is good for everyone to know... that we all have those days that seem bigger than us! My problem for the past week or so, is that I have had a few of those Bigger Than Me Days in a row and I feel in some way that I am under water and not able to come up for air. I keep waiting for someone to grab me and get me to the top for air...when in reality...I realize I have to get there all by myself!
Some of the things I have been struggling with...I really can't blog about. Usually I can share some of it as long as I don't get too personal but some of it, I still can't share. Some of it can, and that is the little bit I will talk about tonight. I have recently found out that in a family( that I know), has had abuse in it. One of the children ( now adults ) came out with it over the holidays, and I have been in close touch with the victim and the family members.
Now you may be thinking...but Lynn, don't you counsel quite often with victims of abuse? Yes, I do. But normally I don't really know the people very well, they are usually friends with someone that I know. This time was different, I know this whole family and it breaks my heart. I had suspected it for years but...when the reality really hits, it is hard. Why is it hard for me this time? Well, sometimes there are certain things in their stories of abuse that are very close to what I experienced. When it hits too close, those are called triggers and.... some times I get my nightmares back, or other physical illnesses that I used to have. Isn't it amazing that the mind is that powerful, to trigger those things with our bodies? This definitely proves the whole MIND/BODY connection!
Then on top of all that I got hit in my new car, not a lot of damage to the car... but enough. Plus, my neck hasn't stopped hurting so...being in pain hasn't helped my perspective either. But I know that there is something to learn in each of these experiences....so that is what I am going to try to do...understand and learn more. Thanks for your patience, for those of you who kow a bit more...thanks for your prayers. It was a tough Christmas, beautiful in many ways and  yet tough. I think I am ready for a New Year to start! :)
Good night dear friends!
( These are some quotes I need to have taped on my mirror )

The gift of a BEAR!

About 8 years ago, a friend of mine called and asked if I had time to counsel with a  13 year old girl. When I asked for the details, she said that this little girl had been abused by her Father for years but finally got someone to believe her. The Father was just put in jail and the whole family was falling apart, with no income… and the from the whole mess. I asked about the Mother, did she know about the abuse ( which in most cases they do ) and how good of a support was she to this daughter? Their story is like so many others I have heard throughout the years, the Mother keeps telling the kids how great their Daddy is but that he just made a bad mistake. So she is part of the problem. I next asked if the girl had been to counseling, to which my friend replied yes, but the Mother insists on going in with her, and never stops telling her what to say. So the girl doesn’t want to go back to counseling. She had mentioned to the girl that she had a friend she could talk to and asked her if she would be willing to meet with me.

I have done counseling for over 25 years now with victims of abuse ( no I am not a counselor by schooling but life, my position has always been to just try to help them enough to get to counseling.) It is never easy, but I have to admit the younger the child… the harder it is on my heart. I am sure it is because I can relate soooooooooo well. Although it was my Grandfather that abused me, incest is still incest and does a number on your ability to TRUST!  I remember getting down on my knees and asking my Heavenly Father to guide my thoughts and words in such a way that it would help this sweet girl.

Well, the day came and I went out and met her Mom but asked if she could stay in the car with my friend, so I could speak to her daughter alone. I also mentioned that I would stay by the window so she could see me, just in case she didn’t feel comfortable with me being alone with her kid, for whatever reason. I just needed to let this girl talk from her heart without her Mom telling her what to say and think, and yet I know the Mom didn’t know me at all…so I stayed by the window. When the girl came in and my friend introduced her to me, you could just feel what she was thinking by her mannerisms. She had her arms folded across her chest, she had a look on her face like… who are you, and why do you think you can help me? I asked her if she would like to sit down and then I just started asking some basic questions to break the ice, like …so where do you go to school? How many kids are in your family? What do you like to do for fun?  It was during that time that she asked me why I had so many teddy bears? You see I have been collecting Teddy Bears ever since I became a Mom. I always loved stuffed animals and bears seemed to be my favorite. I knew that for all the holidays that the kids would want to get me something, so I started collecting Teddy Bears. It is something that I would have liked to do as a child but because of my abuse, much of my childhood was lost…the bears remind me to help give that childhood to every child I meet. Plus, they also seem to remind me to take care of myself and encourage others to do the same…surround yourself with things that you love!

As I began explaining to her about the bears and my childhood, you could see her whole body relax and get comfortable. She somehow knew she was safe and with someone who had truly been there and could understand. Our few uncomfortable few minutes turned into an hour and half, and she asked if she could come back again. We got to meet I think 2 or 3 times again before their family had to move. Since her Dad was in jail, they had no income and so they were going to go live with her Grandparents… who she assured me, were good people that she could trust and be safe with. I was sad when I heard how soon they were going to have to move. I tried quickly to think of a gift for her that she would always have and would remember me by. As my girlfriend and I were tossing around some of those gift ideas, we finally thought that we should go to the store called BUILD A BEAR and make a bear for her and her sister ( who had been abused too, but wasn’t ready to talk about it ).

The day to go to BUILD A BEAR came, and we had so much fun picking out just the right bear for my dear friend and her sister. One of the options that they had there at the store was …if you wanted to you could buy a little voice recorder to be put into the bear. That was just what we needed, it was perfect. Well, we at least thought it was until we tried to say all the things we wanted to these girls, in just a couple of minutes. We went to the back of the store, because we had to keep re-recording our message because the beeper would go off before we finished. We both were crying when we tired to record how much we loved these girls; and as we told them how important they were. It seemed just as we were about to finish and tell them that we would always be there for them ….the beeper would go off again. It was funny but  not really. We laughed each time we got beeped, and then we would cry every time we tried to share out thoughts with this young victims. We must have been there over an hour, when finally the manager came back and asked if there was anything we needed. I am sure she was a bit worried about us, if she had been watching us the whole time. As we explained our story to her, she got tears in her eyes and told us that she would like to give the bears to us, as part of her way of helping. I can’t remember if I sent her a thank you note or not, I hope I did.  I still remember the kindness of that stranger. So Build a Bear has always had a special place in my heart. Years later when that girl was 18 years old, she sent me a Thank you letter. She told me her life was good and safe, and then she shared all the things she was planning for her future. She said that she loved herself now, for the first time in her life. She told me thanks again for the bear, and what that meant to her throughout the years.

Now you can imagine how excited I was when my son Lee came home a few weeks ago and told me that he had just got hired on at Build a Bear! I was thrilled. I am going to have to take Angie there and make a bear that we can give to someone in need this Christmas. She of course thinks about all the things she wants for Christmas but… she has always had that sweet spot in her heart for others who don’t have as much. I think that will be a great Christmas tradition to do with my Grandkids. Jenny is too young to understand but maybe by next year, she will be ready? I can hardly wait to go. Sorta glad that we don’t have to do the voice thing this time, I still think I would cry no matter what I said! I probably shouldn’t do that, it would really embarrass Lee in front of his co-workers!

I don’t have a photo of a Build a Bear but…my daughter Lauren has a teddy bear that she has had for years, and has photographed and made cards from them. So you can see Teddy Bears have a special place in our hearts around here for a long time!     http://wwwlifeofteddy-lauren.blogspot.com/

"Age simply doesn't enter into it! The older the friend, the more he is valued, particularly when he shows so visibly the characteristics that we all look for in friends. You have only to look at a genuine teddy's face to see at once the loyalty, common sense, and above all, dependability behind it."      ~Peter Bull

"Wake in the deepest dark of night and hear the driving rain. Reach out a hand and take a paw and go to sleep again."     ~Charlotte Gray

"There's just something about a Teddy Bear that's impossible to explain. When you hold one in your arms, you get a feeling of love, comfort and security. It's almost supernatural."   ~ James Ownby

"In a world where everyone seems to be larger and louder than yourself, it is very comforting to have a small, quiet companion."    ~Peter Gray