Even with a full shopping cart, it was a Bigger Than Me Day!

I woke up this morning with my heart aching! I was sad. It kind of surprised me, that is not how I usually feel. I normally can hardly wait to wake up because I have so many great things I want to do with my day. I usually wake up happy and very grateful for each new day that I get. I usually realize how full and blessed my life is, but today was different. I tried all the things that I know my Mom would have told me to do today...if she were still here. I said my prayers and prayed to know what was wrong, I listed all my blessings down, I read my scriptures and I also did some service and still my heart just kept aching. I felt like bawling all day but didn't ( probably should have ).
 I had a visit from a dear friend and it felt good when she was here, but then the feeling came right back. 

I called a couple of friends and they convinced me that I was just tired from all the excitement of the last 2 weeks. That was probably a big part of it. My house has been full and happy for the last 2 weeks with kids home and getting ready for Lee and Caitlin's wedding reception. Now everyone has gone home and my house is quite ( too quite ). So I think missing my kids is a big part of it too!

But then it goes a bit deeper than that, I am overwhelmed at how far I still have to go on really getting LynnMade out there with a lot of visibility. We have started...but only scratched the surface on all we need to do to make this Business really soar. I think I am a bit overwhelmed at all that needs to be done. Probably I feel overwhelmed because it is all the Social Media stuff that I really don't understand much. This seems like I have bitten off more than I can chew! 

Also I am mourning a loss of a dear friend, there seems to be a hole in my heart that can't completely heal. After almost 40 years together, I guess that might be a normal feeling?

I am also still in the mess of trying to get to appointments for Physical Therapy, after this car accident and now we just found out that the person who ran the red light and hit me, is now saying they weren't claiming to be at fault at all. I don't like having to deal with those sort of things. Plus, it is just hard to hurt so much again!

Well, I didn't sit down and have a good cry, I just kept going today, I kept praying and kept counting and recounting the many, many blessings I have. 

We had someone over for dinner tonight and that felt good. I dropped a treat off to a dear friend and their family...that felt good.

I even video taped another free video for LynnMade.com ..and that felt good.
 Then I read this wonderful talk that I found HERE:

and I realized that I felt a bit better. 

Perspective is a wonderful thing! It was ok to had a tough day, everyone has them. But remembering that my Heavenly Father knows me, and is aware of my good days as well as my bad days, is quite a comforting feeling!
How grateful I am to remember to see the bigger picture. How grateful I am to know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always there with me.. so that I don't have to do any Bigger Than Me Days alone! That makes me smile!

Good Night dear friends!

Prayer!

From the time I was a very little girl, actually as long as I can remembe... there was prayer in our home. How grateful I am, that my family found it important enough to teach me about my Heavenly Father. I was taught that He was always there and all I had to do was say my prayers. As my life got a bit harder as a child, I at least knew that I could always talk to my Heavenly Father about my problems, fears and worries...and some how even through my tough circumstances...I knew that my Heavenly Father knew me, watched over me; and some how I would live through it all. As I read this quote from C. S. Lewis, I knew exactly how he felt.

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So no matter what happens in my life, I realize that I never have to handle anything alone. That is a huge blessing in my life! How grateful that Jeff and I were able to teach our children about their Heavenly Father and the importance of prayer. That way no matter where they are or what they too have to face, they will never have to face it alone if they believe. As a Mom this brings me great comfort. 

Good night dear friends!

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A great example to us all!

All my life I was surrounded by people who served others. It was taught in our home by my parents, and I was taught in at church each Sunday. I know personally no matter how hard life is, if I stop thinking about myself and serve someone else...even in a small, small way....I feel better! I am grateful for the examples of so many who show me how to serve every day. Even our children and Grandchildren.
Don't believe it? Then try it yourself! When you are down, hurt, sad, or lonely...take a minute and think of anyone that could use your help, or whose life is much worse than yours ( and there always is ). When you stop and do this and then act upon that impression, immediately ...your life starts looking a bit better and you  feel better!
Service... is vital in our lives!
Thanks to all of you who have touched my life through SERVICE!
Good night dear friends!
 

 

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world." Fred "Mister" Rogers
 

“Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.”

- Fred Rogers

The Prayer of a Child

The prayer of a child is always so sincere, direct and believing... great example to us all. This story is a good reminder of that.
Good night dear friends!

“Go Check on Wendi!” 
When our oldest daughter, Wendi, was five, she attended morning kindergarten class. One day I sent her to school, then readied our two younger children to go shopping. I felt rushed because it usually took over two hours to do my grocery shopping, and I wanted to be done in time to pick up Wendi from school. So with my shopping list in one hand and my two preschoolers in the other, I set off for the store.
About 20 minutes later I had a clear thought interrupt me: Darlene, go check on Wendi. I thought to myself, How silly! Wendi is fine at school. I dismissed the thought and went about my shopping. A short time later the thought came back again. Darlene, go check on Wendi. The thought came so clearly that I stopped in the middle of a grocery store aisle.
Looking at my shopping list and at my two young children, who would not be patient much longer, I reasoned to myself, This is silly! I’m sure Wendi is fine. I continued down the aisle and turned the corner when the words came forcefully yet again: Darlene, go check on Wendi!
I told a clerk I’d be back for my groceries and rushed from the store. As we left, I noticed a severe thunderstorm had come up. Wendi was terrified of thunderstorms. Still, I knew she was safe at school. Nevertheless, I began to worry that something terrible might have happened. I hurried to the school only to find everything calm. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and even the storm was passing. I was confused and thought perhaps I wouldn’t go inside after all. But after making the effort to get there, I decided I should at least walk to the classroom and reassure myself that all was well.
I turned the corner to Wendi’s classroom and saw the door was open and Wendi standing in the doorway. How odd! Why wasn’t she at her desk? As I approached her she seemed just fine and had a smile on her face.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just bent down and gave her a hug.
“Mommy, I knew you’d come!” she said.
With that her teacher came over to us and said, “How did you know to come?” Then she explained that the thunder and lightning storm had upset the class. As she tried to gather the children to sit together on a carpet, she noticed Wendi at her seat praying. When Wendi finished, she told her teacher that she was all right, that she had asked Heavenly Father to send her mommy to her, and could she please wait by the door. I could not stop my tears as I realized the prayer of faith of a five-year-old had literally moved me from a grocery store five miles away to be at her side. I am deeply grateful to Heavenly Father for this experience, for we both learned divine lessons about faith and trust that day.   By Darlene Joy Nichols
here:

Prayer...it does work!

I just got off the phone with a dear family member that I haven't connected with for a long time. When we both realized what time it was and how longed we talked, we laughed and said we better head for bed. Then I remembered I hadn't even written my blog today. So since it is no longer today ... but tomorrow now or whatever you call it, I will leave you with this Question that I saw the other day. I realize that many times in my life, I have spent way more time talking about a situation or a problem, instead of praying the same amount about it. I do believe in the power of prayer, I do know it works. Glad to have this simple reminder tonight...or today? :)

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Waiting!

   I love Sundays, maybe because they have always been our family day. No matter if we have had a non- stop and busy week, we always knew we would be together on Sunday. I have to say, I do realize I get more homesick for my kids who live away from home, on Sundays too.
    I think though the best thing about Sundays is I get my spiritual batteries recharged. I feel like we are focused on what really matters in life, and that makes the coming week a lot easier to handle and prepare for.
   One principle that I learned today was about Waiting, particularly about Waiting on the Lord. It was an article that I was reading which talked about how important it is to wait upon the Lord. The scripture that was mentioned was Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings on eagles;they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint"
Still, it seems as if we all think of waiting as a time of anxiety and anticipation. Some times we get frustrated and impatient when we have to wait. I think many times we all might feel that way, but especially when things are hard and painful. During those trials, time seems to stand still, is that the type of waiting that Isaiah was talking about? The Hebrew word translated as wait also means "hope for" and "anticipate"
   When you think of it that way, then it makes more sense. If you believe that you are a child of God, that He is literally our Heavenly Father who loves us, then we can know that everything that happens...happens for a reason. Some of the greatest lessons I have learned in my life...have come from some of the hardest things I ever had to do; and many times after waiting for what seemed a long time before I understood their meaning or purpose. But I had a strong faith and hope that things would work out. There were many times I had to wait to know why I went through some of the hard lessons that I did. When I think of waiting and hoping for the Lord to help me become equal to the test is a whole lot better, than blaming others for my problems or always asking the Lord " Why me?" over and over again. I think changing our attitude and learning to wait upon the Lord, truly believing He will never leave us alone or let us down, is a whole lot better and a more positive way to live also.
    I have to admit, when I have waited and gone to my Heavenly Father during my darkest times, He has renewed my strength, I can never deny that, and I am eternally grateful because of it.
Good night dear friends!

  "Never was a faithful prayer lost. Some prayers have a longer voyage than others, but then they return with their richer lading at last, so that the praying soul is a gainer by waiting for an answer."  ~ William Gurnall


  “God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has. But he can't if you don't pray, and he can't if you don't dream. In short, he can't if you don't believe.”
~Jeffrey R. Holland
You can read the whole article HERE:

How could this happen?

I read an article today about a wife that was having struggles in her marriage. She felt that they had been happy for many years and that things were going well, until her husband made some decisions she was shocked about. The article talked about how the first reaction she had was ...How could this happen to me, to us? She spoke of how heart breaking the whole situation was to her and how that saddened her. Then she went back to the Why me, Why now? Next, she wondered what she had done wrong, self guilt is not an easy thing to handle. Then midway through the article she talks about what she learned through this whole experience and it impressed me, because I think we all have been in positions like this before in our lives where we say "How can this happen to me?"
She learned... that you continue to love the one that disappoints you. She mentioned when she just focused on loving him that there was a wealth of understanding and she was able to find healing and hope. She spoke of her dependency on the Savior and even though her circumstances didn't change, she had changed and it was for the bettter.
She learned...that she can not control her husband's thoughts or actions. She needed to remember that we all have our agency to make choices. She mentioned that no matter how desperately she longed for him to change, she now knew that she could not wish, or force or pray enough to make him change of feel differently. She realized that if he did it just for her, that then it really wasn't a true change anyway, and that his growth and spiritual understanding would be inhibited.
She learned...that even though she cannot control his choices, that she certainly can take responsibility for her own. She realized through prayer that she could learn how to be a better wife, how to love and serve her husband and children more each day. She learned how to draw closer to the Savior and she felt peace there.
She learned... that if she focused on the choices her husband was making then she fell into the trap of self-pity. If she focused on her choices, then she realized she had more hope and happiness
She learned... that when she loved, trusted, and served her husband, that their marriage was still strengthened, even though they had some major differences. She said that she gained a greater understanding of the scripture in John 15:13, in which the Savior says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." She realized that she needed to put aside her own will, desires, agendas and stipulations for someone that she truly cared about. When she did that she was able to more fully love them.
To read the article yourself, you can go here:

As I read this article, I thought how these same principles apply to not only our marriages, but with our children and our friends. It is especially hard when it is your child making diffferent choices, ones that you know will not bring them happiness. You know if they continue on the path they are on, that huge trials and adversity could come there way. It is hard to remember to control your actions, you as a parent would like to make them, or force them to choose the right, but we can't. That is not what life is all about. So many things you have to learn for yourself...now that if truly hard on a parent. Realizing that things could get much worse before they get bette,r and that is a very tough thing to watch as a Mom or Dad. No parent wants their kids to hurt or suffer and yet...that is not our decision. They have their own agency, you have to trust after they are grown ( if the problems are going on then ) that you have taught them as much as you could. Then you have to pray for them and have hope that someday...they will get it! And that not too much of life will have passed before that happens and not too many permanent mistakes made either.
I think the reaons I clicked with this letter is, because I have been there and done that... on more than one occasion with our kids and frankly ... it hurts and hurts bad. But like the author in this article, I need to focus back on me and what I can do and then pray and have hope....lots of faith, because I know I am going to need it!
Good night dear friends!

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived. ~ Jeffrey R. Holland

“It is not possible to sin enough to be happy. It isn't possible to buy enough to be happy, or to entertain or indulge or pamper ourselves enough to be happy. It is not possible to hide enough or run far enough away from trials and troubles to be happy. Happiness and joy come only when we are living up to who we are..." ~ Sheri L. Dew

Still learning

   It seems to me, that just when you think you have something figured out in your life, then boom...something goes wrong, or something changes; and you have to try to figure out a totally different way to handle the situation. I guess that is what parenthood is all about. You sorta think  you have figured out how to raise, teach or handle one of your children, and then you have another one and they are totally different. What you did with them may not be the thing to do for the next child, so as parents you realize you are STILL LEARNING with each child and each situation! It doesn't really get easier, it is just gets different. What technique worked for one, won't work for the other and so once again... you are back to square one.
   I have to admit, that even though I am so totally lost at times on what to do, I am very grateful that I can go to my Heavenly Father in prayer and receive that answer. Not always is it immediate, not always is it even what I prayed for; but always I know beyond a shadow of a doubt ...that it is exactly what the Lord wants me to experience at the time. I also know there is always a lesson closely entwined in this problem or trial. The hardest part is to be patient and worthy to hear that still small voice.
   Yes, when my kids were small I thought I would never survive all the physical demands that came with that age, then as teenagers I thought I would never survive the attitudes and mouthing that come with that age; and now as a Mother of older children, I wonder if I will survive the heartaches and struggles that they go through? The consequences seems sooooooooooo much bigger now.
   Still I know where I can find the peace that I need, and that is down on my knees.  It is in the scriptures that I need to read and search more diligently. Being a parent is a tough job, but at least I know it is one where I will never get bored...because I will always still be learning! :)
Good night dear friends.

P.S. Maybe that is why being a Grandparent is so much easier!

Life's lessons

Today was a great day. I was able to teach my class and it was standing room only. We had a good time, and I am always grateful that the ladies are so forgiving of my mistakes that I make. It is almost a common thing for me to make a few mistakes each project...then the fun part is trying to create something from that mistake, even if it is only a good reminder to them...of what not to do! :)  Sometimes I actually have fun trying to create something from those mistakes ...just so I don't have to waste the material. But we have fun and that is really what matters!

Tonight when I got home and started checking my email, I received a sad letter from a dear friend. She said that she and her family had lost their home 2 weeks ago, from a fire. Even through all of this, she was still counting her blessings...like that her family was all safe. What an incredible lady she is. I have always wondered what you would do if you lost everything, how do you handle a trial like that? Then I realized from this friend, that you remind yourself of the blessings that you still have...your family and your health.
I do know that life will be hard, I can't even comprehend what she and her sweet family are going through, but I do know that I can pray for them. And that is what I will do. Also I can remember more often my blessings that really count...my family, my friends, my health and my faith.
Good night dear friends!

To test, or not to test.

One thing that I forgot to mention the other day when I was talking about my annual cancer check up, was something the nurse said to me. She asked me, after going through my charts…if I had ever had the Genetic Testing that they do for women who have had breast cancer. My response was “no”. She then went on to proceed that since I had daughters, that it might be something I want to think about. I didn’t really feel like going into the whole way I feel about that test, and so I just mentioned to her that my insurance wouldn’t pay for it. Why? Because we don’t have any history of breast cancer in any of our family ( that we know about ). Since my Grandmother, Mother, Aunts didn’t and I don’t have any sisters, then insurance doesn’t think I am a likely candidate for that and so… therefore if I was going to do the testing, I would have to foot a $7000.00 bill for it. I don’t think so!
I know she was just doing her job in mentioning it, but honestly in the 11 years that I have been dealing with other survivors that I have met along  my way through cancer, I have heard some horrific stories of those who decided to do the this test. One of the first ladies was an acquaintance I made 11 years ago, she didn’t have cancer, but her family had and so she did the test. After she found out that she had that genetic gene, she went right away and had a double mastectomy and a complete hysterectomy. We later met at our one year survivor mark, and she was devasted when she went in for her yearly check up and the Doctor asked her if she had been doing her monthly self checks on her CHEST WALL! She didn’t know that she had to do that or that she could even get cancer back on her chest wall, that is why she had the mastectomy in the first place. He reminded her that cancer is an inside deal and it could come back there. Then because she had the test, next her young daughters ( in their 20’s )  decided to have the exact same  procedures, for fear that someday they might get cancer. I just hope that it gave them a sense of peace that they were looking for, if so then it was probably worth it to them.
You all know me, I truly believe that YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU! For me this isn’t what I wanted to do and even if I had $7000.00 I would not get that test, to see if I MIGHT have the genetic gene. Or I wouldn’t want my daughters to have any more FEAR than they already have. Fear can stop us from doing what we know, should be done. I know lots of women who are going down this road, and many have asked my opinion about this. I just want to say that my opinion is for me and my family only. I didn’t have a family history of it, I am not sure if I would have done it anyway because I don’t like my life ran by FEAR, and that is what it would have done for ME, I am not talking about anyone else, just me! 
I have learned from my cancer experiences, to not share my opinion with too many or even what roads I went down. I know what I did, was very unpopular, I did not follow the prescribed road. Still I did study, pray and decided on the road that was right for me and my family. Everyone’s choices and roads will be different, because we are all different. I just don’t like fear to take over my life. That is something you have to constantly work on when you are a cancer survivor. But knowledge is power and that is what everyone should have, a knowledge of their disease, a knowledge of options and  a knowledge about their bodies, we should know our bodies better than anyone else.
There are other tests that I could get each year to see if I might have cancerous cells again. I opt out of them for the same reason, the tests aren’t that accurate, and so it would only tell me if I might have cancer growing somewhere and then we would just have to watch that area to see if something develops. That would be such a burden and worry on me, it would take a quality of my life away.  So it is important for you to know what you want, what makes you happy, what scares you or builds you up. Ultimately the decision is yours  and yours alone.
So I hope this at least gives you an understanding of my decisions, but encourage all of you to make your own decisions. Good night dear friends!


“ True friends just love each other, and then support each other in their decisions”   ~ Lynn Woodard
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”  ~ Mark Twain

Be you own hero!

I personally learned this concept right after Amy was born and I realized in order to protect her that I was going to have to brake the generations of abuse that was in my family. As soon as she was placed in my arms, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I needed to protect her at all costs. However that was going to take great faith and courage on my part, I knew that it wouldn’t be an easy thing to do, I feared  how my family would take it. But the truth was, this abuse had been going on for generations and it had to be stopped. I realized that I had to fight this battle no matter what, no one else was going to do that.

The night that I told my parents, it was awful, all I could remember was the feeling of somehow is still must have been my fault. After my parents had left, I begin to doubt my ability to continue to  go through with this tough decision…I seemed to sense the gravity of what I was starting to do, and truly felt like I wasn’t strong enough to do so. Incest is like a weed, if  you decide to stop it ( or pull it up ) you have NO IDEA how many roots it has, or have far they have reached. So that is what makes it so hard, you have no idea how big the battle will be or how many years you will have to keep fighting.

For the first time in my life, I begged my Heavenly Father to let me die ( I was not thinking of suicide, I just wanted Him to take me right then and there) I told Him this was much bigger than me, I didn’t feel I could go through it. My parents reaction was one of blame on me, and how could I go on and tell the rest of the family. That night after my prayers I felt a sense of peace and in my heart I  felt like I could hear my Heavenly Father tell me  that it was not time for me to come home, and that I could and needed  be strong enough to break this silence of incest. He told me that there we generations counting on me, that there were other women who needed to see my example, and that my future children as well as Amy, needed a Mom who had great faith and courage. He then  promised me I could come home when my mission was over and that HE would hold me and protect me forever.

I can’t even explain the feeling I had after that connection, I knew this was my battle and no one else was going to fight it. I knew what the God expected of me, and I knew that no matter how hard it might be, that I was not alone in this fight.

That was one of the toughest things I ever did in all my life, battling cancer took a close second. But even though it was a long hard battle, there was a big separation in our family because of it, and to some…I was still the bad guy.  I can honestly say… I know that I did what God needed me to do, and my kids ( the next generation ) were protected and that was… worth any of it!  I encourage anyone who is being abused or knows of abuse…to stand up and fight it with everything you have. Ask for help, don’t be afraid. Abuse is wrong, it was 40 some years ago when I was a little girl, and it is still wrong today!

Good night dear friends!

 

Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime.  ~ Herbert Ward

The consequences of your denial will be with you for a lifetime and will be passed down to the next generations. Break your Silence on Abuse!   ~ Patty Rase Hopson

The only reason why child abuse is alive today, is because we as adults fail our children when we fail to listen to them. Listen to a child today!   ~  Heather McClane

Lessons from a child!

Today I was asked to speak in church. I actually love to have that opportunity ( I know that is weird ). I think one of the reasons I love to teach and speak, is because of all the study and preparation it makes me do. I love reading my scriptures, but to have a reason to really dive into them and search things out of them, it a great experience for me. Some of my talk was about FAITH, and so I will share part of it with you.

I first started out with this cute story…

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a parochial elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

But this time a child had written a note and put it by the cookies  which said, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

I have always been interested in how children see things so black and white, completely trusting in what they have been taught by their parents

Then it reminded me, of how as parents… it is our responsibility to teach these children of the truths that we know. Of course we can not teach what we do not know. That is why it is vital for us to study, and pray to know the truth first for ourselves.

In James chapter 1 verse 5 it reads:

IF ANY OF YOU LACK WISDOM, LET HIM ASK OF GOD, THAT GIVETH TO ALL MEN LIBERALLY, AND UPBRAIDETH NOT; AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN TO HIM”.

I looked up the word upbraideth and in the dictionary, is said that upbraideth is to find fault with.  I think that is important to any of us that need to ask questions from our Heavenly Father, He is the source of all knowledge, but understanding no matter what we ask that He isn’t going to find fault or make fun of our questions. As a kid, I felt like that was very important, God promised to give answers to all and He will not judge us.

The only other thing we have to do (which is vital ) and it goes on to say this in James 1:6  is…“BUT LET HIM ASK IN FAITH,NOTHING WAVERING”.

It is important to remember “that great faith has a short shelve life” so we need to daily work on strengthening our faith and deepen our testimony of the Savior,  to the point that we can endure whatever life holds in store for us, and come out stronger than before.

I go back to where I started with an example of a child…
 
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

We need to stay close to our children and grandchildren, because they are closer to God than we might think. Wouldn't it be great for us to be that confident in our trust and knowledge in God, and understanding our purpose here on earth?
It is my testimony that we truly can obtain that type of faith and hope, and with that… be able to accomplish the purpose of why we are here!

Good night dear friends!

“Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe.”   ~ Voltaire

Oh am I glad today is over!

Being a cancer survivor twice doesn’t help your nerves when you have to do your scheduled check ups. For me, mine are every 6 months, the first six months is a mammogram and ultrasound and the next six months is a needle MRI. I still am not sure if I want to continue at that pace, but for now I have been. Except in January, I got to thinking it had been a while since my last exam and so I called and asked when it was. They said it was a year ago…I couldn’t believe I missed it. Well, I did have to find 3 new DRs this year so I was a bit busy with so many other exams but still they always call me and they didn’t. When I asked the lady why, she just told me that they had a policy change and they don’t make those calls any more. I couldn’t believe that they wouldn’t notify us and tell us that. I was sad to find out that I had been behind a year on my MRI and a year and a half on my Mammogram. I was upset, frustrated and scared…why didn’t I remember that then? Still I couldn’t believe that they would have to notify you if they are going to make a big change like that. So my normal nervous, scared, anxious, sick feeling that you get before you go for a check up, was just heightened…just what I needed.

I feel like last week and this week were just a blur, I don’t think I really accomplished that much. Hard to concentrate when you are worried! I know that worrying does absolutely no good but still it is hard NOT to do, when you have been down this road before. Last night before I went to bed I just bawled. I didn’t want to go to bed, because then I would have to wake up and go today. This morning though, I woke up and felt a bit better.  I have fought cancer twice, if something happens that I have it again, then I just reminded myself I could handle it … if I had to. I listened all the way there to my song that I called my Theme Song 11 years ago, right before I had my 1st cancer surgery…here are the lyrics. 

BRING ON THE RAIN  sung by Jo Dee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost , but not the war
cause Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle ‘ round
A couple drops , and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
and I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead
cause Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

   Still as I drove by myself to the appointment, I thought I shouldn’t have been so brave …I should have asked Jeff or one of my girlfriends to go with me. After I got there, waited and filled out the paper work, I began to get a bit nervous again and about that time I saw Jeff walk in! My knight in shining armor! Oh I was sooooooooo glad to see him, then they called me in. The mammogram went pretty well, until she asked me to do it one more time, she said she saw something but was sure it was nothing, but just wanted to be on the safe side, now my stomach and nerves began to kick in ( that is what they told me 3  1/2 years ago and it ended up being SOMETHING!). Still I tried to keep talking to myself as she went to have the DR look at the results. Well, she was gone for about 10 mins and never came back, the next tech that came in was one that was going to do my Ultrasound. She didn’t talk much at all and seemed to go over this one area in my right breast again and again. I know not to ask the techs anything, they couldn’t tell you even if they knew something, so by now my nerves were wearing and I began to make some big deals with the Lord. On the serious side,  I know my Heavenly Father is well aware of me and my situation, and I know He won’t give me more than I can bare but still, I was begging not to have to fight Cancer a third time.

Then after that tech was through, she went and got another tech to do a 2nd check, by now I was getting pretty quiet and concerned. She however didn’t take nearly as long and then she went and got the DR and he did the 3rd Ultrasound on the same area. I had mentioned it had been a while and I asked why the Policy changed? He was pretty upset when I told him the story, he just said that their policy HAD NOT changed and that I would be receiving my reminder call in 6 months. I hope I didn’t get someone in trouble, but at the same time I felt like I really needed to say something. I always think if you say something about things that aren’t right and you do it in the right way and with the right spirit about it, that hopefully things will change for the better and some other survivor won’t have to be late on their check ups.

But the good news after all that is…the area that they were worried about  and kept checking, was just a fold in the skin, and everything looks fine!
Wow, how grateful I was for that answer! I will have to go through the MRI in 6 months, but for today I was done and very, very grateful for the results!  I am very glad that today is almost over, and now I need to go back to the Lord and see exactly what I promised! :)

  
“Sometimes you have to do what you don’t like to get to where  you want to be.”   ~ Tori Amos

"Don't count the days, make the days count."       ~Muhammad Ali

Homeless

Today as I was coming out of a shopping center, I saw a young homeless girl on the corner. I thought she looked familiar and as I got closer…I realized I did know her. She is the daughter of a dear friend from the past. I just recently saw this friend, after quite a few years.  She shared with me about this daughter. It broke my heart to hear that she was still making bad choices, and had all 3 of her children taken from her. It was a very sad feeling for me to actually know the story behind a Homeless person. Most of the time I don’t know anything about them and I am asking myself questions like…are they really homeless, where is there family, does their family know that they are homeless, are they hungry, do they really have a family, are they an addict, what happened to their life, what could they be thinking…standing there for hours every day? All these questions  go through my head and I never know the answers, yet today I did, and for some reason I felt even worse. I know this girl’s family, they are wonderful people, but they have tried for years to help her and still she makes bad choices. They can’t change that. What a heart break that must be to my friend as a Mother!

I wanted to put her in the car and  ask her about her life and why she was choosing to do this? Still I knew that there wasn’t anything I could really do, so I drove past and said a prayer. I prayed that some day she would have the desire to change and become a healthier and happy person. I also prayed for her children and for her family...that their hearts would be healed. It also made me realize how grateful I am that my children are all safe, happy and making healthy and good choices…that is no small thing!

Good night dear friends!

 

”But I will say that the drugs are much more ferocious then they used to be. There are people wrecking their lives with addiction, which seems much more severe.”   ~Armistead Maupin

“Once you choose hope, anything's possible”.  ~Christopher Reeve

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."   ~Author Unknown

Three years and counting!

Well if I had only had cancer once, I could say 10 years and counting! But since that is not the case…I had to start the whole number, counting thing all over again. But at least I am still here to count. It was three years ago today that I was in the hospital having my mastectomy, I was so scared  and I wasn’t sure what the future would hold? Wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to have a future, only days after the surgery… I was pretty sure that I didn’t even want a future if I had to go on living… looking and feeling  like I did.

Here I am now, I go out shopping in front of others, still doing my motivational speaking, I am working part time now and best of all….I am living again! I am so grateful that time  heals things, it truly does. But 3 years ago I wasn’t so sure if I believed that or not. I wondered how my family would handle my surgery, how Jeff could ever find me attractive again, what would my grandchildren think of me and on and on. The thoughts were things that I couldn’t for see, I was sure my life wouldn’t be the same and it hasn’t been; but not the way I thought…it has been better.

I wake up every day grateful to be alive, to still be here with family and friends. I am grateful for the hardships because they truly have given me  a much broader and sweeter view of life….what a gift!

So yes, I am three years and praying to count a whole lot more!

Thanks for your support, prayers and encouragement for me, what a big difference it made in my life! I am vey blessed!

Good night dear friends.      

Prayer…what a gift!

I am grateful to have been taught the importance of prayer since I was  a little girl. I always believed that I was a child of God, and that my Heavenly Father really loved me and knew me. Many of you already know that I was abused as a child, by my grandfather. After I was married and had my first baby, I finally broke the silence of my abuse and decided that the next generation ( my children ) were going to be safe. The generational chain of abuse finally was broken. It has been going on for at least 3 other generation, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of my kids being hurt at all… and so I prayed hard to be strong enough to stand up and speak out against it. Now from that time on, I have spoken to, counseled with, and encouraged many other victims to become survivors. I am always sadden when I hear someone say “ how can you believe in a God, who let you get hurt like that?” I never really saw it like that. I do know that hard things and bad things happen to everybody…rich or poor, good or bad and so on. But I know that my Heavenly Father was well aware of me throughout those years, and gave me the strength to not only survive it… but to grow and be strong enough to break the chain of incest! I never for one minute thought He didn’t love me or had forgotten me. My prayers were something that gave me hope and strength and to this day…it has been a blessing and a gift in my life, and the life of my family.

I read this article today about prayer and wanted to share part of it with you tonight. Partly because it shows that nothing is too little or too silly, or unimportant to your Heavenly Father. He loves us and wants us to be happy, that I know for sure. Anyway, I hope after you read this, you will remember how important you are to your Heavenly Father, and that you will be ever grateful for this gift we call Prayer! 

Good night dear friends, and thank you for all the prayers that you have sent Heavenward in my behalf! I felt them, and they did make a big difference in my life and the lives of family!

The Privilege of Prayer  by J. Devn Cornish

“Prayer is one of the most precious gifts of God to man.

God our Father is not a feeling or an idea or a force. He is a holy person who, as the scriptures teach, has a face and hands and a glorious immortal body. He is real, He knows each of us individually, and He loves us, every one. He wants to bless us.

Jesus said:

“Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

“Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

“If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” (Matthew 7:9–11).

Perhaps a personal experience will help to illustrate the point. When I was a young resident physician at Boston Children’s Hospital, I worked long hours and traveled between the hospital and our home in Watertown, Massachusetts, mostly by bicycle since my wife and young family needed our car. One evening I was riding home after a long period in the hospital, feeling tired and hungry and at least a bit discouraged. I knew I needed to give my wife and four small children not only my time and energy when I got home but also a cheery attitude. I was, frankly, finding it hard to just keep pedaling.

My route would take me past a fried chicken shop, and I felt like I would be a lot less hungry and tired if I could pause for a piece of chicken on my way home. I knew they were running a sale on thighs or drumsticks for 29 cents each, but when I checked my wallet, all I had was one nickel. As I rode along, I told the Lord my situation and asked if, in His mercy, He could let me find a quarter on the side of the road. I told Him that I didn’t need this as a sign but that I would be really grateful if He felt to grant me this kind blessing.

I began watching the ground more intently but saw nothing. Trying to maintain a faith-filled but submissive attitude as I rode, I approached the store. Then, almost exactly across the street from the chicken place, I saw a quarter on the ground. With gratitude and relief, I picked it up, bought the chicken, savored every morsel, and rode happily home.

In His mercy, the God of heaven, the Creator and Ruler of all things everywhere, had heard a prayer about a very minor thing. One might well ask why He would concern Himself with something so small. I am led to believe that our Heavenly Father loves us so much that the things that are important to us become important to Him, just because He loves us. How much more would He want to help us with the big things that we ask, which are right? “

“To those who are struggling with challenges and difficulties large and small, prayer is the provider of spiritual strength; it is the passport to peace. Prayer is the means by which we approach our Father in Heaven, who loves us. Speak to Him in prayer and then listen for the answer. Miracles are wrought through prayer”  ~ Thomas S. Monson

"As we pass through the trials of life, let us keep an eternal perspective, let us not complain, let us become even more prayerful, let us serve others, and let us forgive one another. As we do this, 'all things [will] work together for good to [us] that love God' (Romans 8:28)."   ~ James B. Martino

"He [the Lord] will always hear your prayers and will invariably answer them. However, His answers will seldom come while you are on your knees praying, even when you may plead for an immediate response. Rather, He will prompt you in quiet moments when the Spirit can most effectively touch your mind and heart. Hence, you should find periods of quiet time to recognize when you are being instructed and strengthened."  ~ Richard G. Scott

Color Catchers

A couple of years ago, someone told me about this new Laundry product called Color Catchers. Since we often have someone forget and leave a red sock or shirt in the white clothes, I decided to by some Color Catchers for myself. I was really amazed at how well they did. I absolutely love them! I get some for every newlywed couple, it is a must have…especially if someone is new to doing laundry. I was thinking the other day (while I was doing laundry) that I wish there was an amazing product out there for your thoughts or actions. Such as Anger Catchers, Despair Catchers or even Mistake Catchers!   I guess that would make life too easy, but some days it would be nice to have something that helpful in your daily thoughts and actions. I know that would take away our agency, so that is probably why God doesn’t have these products out there to buy.

But as I really thought about it, He has given us many things that have the same type of results. We have been given the 10 Commandments, just in case you weren’t sure of what you should or shouldn’t do.  I heard someone once said” that the Ten Commandments weren’t meant to be the Ten Suggestions!” Also we have the scriptures, they are full of others who have been there before, and if we were to read and study about their lives and experiences, then probably many things would or could be prevented in our lives. We last but not least have prayer! There is the product we all need. To stay in close contact with our Heavenly Father, would be the best way to catch bad attitudes, thoughts and actions…even before they happen. Yes, I am grateful to know that we aren’t left here on earth alone to just fumble through life. But we are here on earth to be guided and lead by a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to be safe, wise and happy!

Now that is better than any store bought product out there!

“If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.”

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

"Many answers to difficult questions are found by reading the scriptures because the scriptures are an aid to revelation. Insight found in scripture accumulates over time, so it is important to spend some time in the scriptures every day. Daily prayer is also essential to having the Lord's Spirit with us. Those who earnestly seek help through prayer and scripture study often have a paper and pencil nearby to write questions and record impressions and ideas."  ~ Julie B. Beck

A Mother's Heart

   Tonight at a meeting, I was able to talk for a moment to a friend of mine whose son got very sick a couple of years ago and they never could figure out why. Her son now is doing great and healthy again. I was just curious how they found their answers and how she as a Mom, handle all of it. It was nice to talk to another Mother, heart to heart. She knew exactly what I was talking about when I mentioned Lee and how we still don't know what is going on and the frustrations that come with that. Now Lee hasn't had an attack in almost 7 weeks, but the concern is definitely still there because we don't have any real answers.
   I shared with her the number of times I have pleaded with the Lord to let me have the problems, not my son. She knew the exact feeling and concern I was talking about. I asked finally how they got his problem diagnosed and to my surprise she said " we didn't, it just went away". Then she added "looking at the young man my son has become today, I realized all those things made him who he is". She knew that the Lord taught him things during that time that he might not have learned in any other way.
   So she really didn't have any real answer for me, she just gave me a hug and said " I will keep you guys in my prayers". I thought what a wonderful gift it was tonight to connect heart to heart with another Mom and to be reminded that our Heavenly Father is in charge, and we just need to have faith and know that everything will just work out. I needed that wisdom and insight tonight, and I needed that hug too!

Good night dear friends!

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me.  They have clung to me all my life."  ~Abraham Lincoln

"If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been."  ~Robert Brault

"Grown don't mean nothing to a mother.  A child is a child.  They get bigger, older, but grown?  What's that suppose to mean?  In my heart it don't mean a thing."  ~Toni Morrison

What is prayer to you?

   I went to the specialist today to find out about my abscessed tooth. I prayed before I went in, that I would know if he was the right one to help me. I also prayed that he would be able to diagnosis me correctly.  Then I prayed that I would have the courage to get another root canal, and last but not least, I prayed that my infection would not return.
   Now I know that was a lot of praying you might say, but to be honest ...that was only one subject that I was praying about today. there were a whole lot more. I have always like the scripture in the book of Psalms 55:17-18 ...where we are told to pray in the evening, morning and noon. I like how it reminds how to pray for peace and help in our daily battles. Now that is exactly what I need every day!

   I love how the Bible Dictionary explains what prayer is..." PRAYER IS  THE ACT BY WHICH THE WILL OF THE FATHER AND THE WILL OF THE CHILD ARE BROUGHT INTO CORRESPONDENCE WITH EACH OTHER. THE OBJECT TO PRAYER IS NOT TO CHANGE THE WILL OF GOD, BUT TO SECURE FOR OURSELVES AND FOR OTHERS BLESSINGS THAT GOD IS ALREADY WILLING TO GRANT, BUT THAT ARE MADE CONDITIONAL ON OUR ASKING FOR THEM."

   That is what prayer is to me, and how grateful I am for it!

 

"Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?"   ~Corrie Ten Boom

"...the strait and narrow path, though clearly marked, is a path, not a freeway nor an escalator. Indeed, there are times when the only way the strait and narrow path can be followed is on one's knees!"
--Neal A. Maxwell, "A Brother Offended," Ensign, May 1982

"No earthly authority can separate us from direct access to our Creator. There can never be a mechanical or electronic failure when we pray. There is no limit on the number of times or how long we can pray each day. There is no quota of how many needs we wish to pray for in each prayer. We do not need to go through secretaries or make an appointment to reach the throne of grace. He is reachable at any time and any place."
--James E. Faust, "The Lifeline of Prayer," Ensign, May 2002

"Never assume that you can make it alone. You need the help of the Lord. Never hesitate to get on your knees in some private place and speak with Him. What a marvelous and wonderful thing is prayer. Think of it. We can actually speak with our Father in Heaven. He will hear and respond, but we need to listen to that response. Nothing is too serious and nothing too unimportant to share with Him."
--Gordon B. Hinckley "Stay on the High Road," Ensign, May 2004

The Power of Words

Well in just the last hour, my body aches have subsided...what a relief!  On top of a fever, trouble breathing, non-stop coughing, the body aches... have been the worst! I actually didn't do anything for over 4 days now. Not watch a movie, listen to music, read or walk around even very much. I can tell Jeff gets really worried about me when he sees me doing nothing. I am not a "do nothing" type of girl. I draw, sew or crochet while watching a movie. My hands are always busy. But I have been hurting so bad...I literally have just laid around and moaned. Sad ...I know!
But I am for this moment, feeling a bit better so I thought I had better write my blog right now. This story  probably stuck out to me because it was about how powerful words are. I really agree, I myself have to be careful on how I let other people's words hurt or help me. I am a bit tenderhearted, I guess you could say.
It is a great story for anyone! Hope you enjoy it!
Night dear friends!

The Wise Sage 

  There once was a wise sage who wandered the countryside. One day, as he passed near a village, he was approached by a woman who told him of a sick child nearby. She beseeched him to help this child.
So the sage came to the village, and a crowd gathered around him, for such a man was a rare sight. One woman brought the sick child to him, and he said a prayer over her.
"Do you really think your prayer will help her, when medicine has failed?" yelled a man from the crowd.
"You know nothing of such things! You are a stupid fool!" said the sage to the man.
The man became very angry with these words and his face grew hot and red. He was about to say something, or perhaps strike out, when the sage walked over to him and said: "If one word has such power as to make you so angry and hot, may not another have the power to heal?"
And thus, the sage healed two people that day.  ~ Unknown

"Language does have the power to change reality. Therefore, treat your words as the mighty instruments they are - to heal, to bring into being, to nurture, to cherish, to bless, to forgive." - Daphne Rose Kingma