I, the jury

I covered a trial once where I swore one juror slept through the entire trial. Another juror oddly held his lunchbox in his lap the entire time as if the bailiff was ready to run off with his sandwich the moment he set it on the ground.

The defendant was found not guilty, which seemed to be a shock even to his attorney, who had a "guilty" statement all prepared and didn’t bother to write one for the verdict that actually arrived.

Then I was part of a jury pool. One by one, a court worker pulled numbers from a bin and potential jurors reluctantly made their way to the witness box to answer questions. It seemed like everyone had an excuse for why they couldn’t serve, or blatantly answered questions in a way they knew would get them dismissed.

I came to this realization: Defendants do not get a jury of their peers, they get a jury of people who can’t get out of jury duty.

If I were ever a defendant with my life hanging in the balance, I’d want a jury of educated, professional Mets fans and not sleepers or paranoids.

I vowed that if called, I would proudly serve.

And this week I might get my chance. The summons to appear for jury duty recently appeared in the mailbox. I have a secret juror number, and call the court each night this week to see if I am needed.

It’s unlikely I’d get picked for a criminal trial. Reporters who are related to police officers and prosecutors are often sent back to the waiting room.

But I should be ready for action. And practice makes perfect.

Let’s try some sample cases.

Defendant: Carlos Delgado

Crime: Being a washed-up power hitter.

Prosecution: The first half of the season

Defense: Since Willie was dismissed, Carlos has been among the league leaders in home runs, RBI and late-game dramatics.

Verdict: Not guilty! Yea! Now go beat up the Phillies.

Defendant: Derek F. Jeter

Charge: Being grossly over-hyped.

Prosecution: Capt. Intangibles is hitting under .300 with just 9 homers, 10 steals and 66 RBI, has the range of a stone garden gnome and his team is going to miss the playoffs.

Defense: There is no defending Derek F. Jeter.

Verdict: Guilty as sin!

Defendant: Rachael Ray

Charge: Unnatural enhancements

Prosecution:

February

May

Defense: Um, Photoshop maybe?

Verdict: Appears to be guilty. No tampering with the ingredients, please!

Defendant: Alex Rodriguez
Charge: Exceedingly bad taste
Prosecution: Caught slinking out of Madonna’s Manhattan pad.
Defense: "Open Your Heart" and "Like a Prayer" are decent songs.

Verdict: Guilty! Date people your own age and with hits in the last decade.




There you go! This shouldn’t be that hard. All I request is to have cupholders in the jury box for my Diet Coke and WiFi should the Mets play an afternoon game.

Willie Randolph gets fired in LA, we round up replacements

The Subway Ad Curse is born. Ain't nobody gonna pose with a sandwich next year.

As we all know by now, the Mets axed Willie Randolph at 3 a.m. this morning and named Jerry Manuel as his interim replacement.

Let’s waste no time in picking the Mets new manager. Here are some potential candidates, as well as their pluses and minuses:

Hillary Clinton:
Upside: Boasted she’d be the best one to handle bad news at 3 a.m.
Downside: Bill becomes the bench coach.

Moises Alou:
Upside: Gives him something to do while he’s on the disabled list.
Downside: Will pull a hammy walking to home plate to exchange lineup cards.

Mr. Met:
Upside: Could throw hot dogs into the stands with that launcher on the way to the mound to change pitchers.
Downside: Head already is pretty big.

Mike Francesa:
He’s a baseball genius. Just ask him.
Downside: Will obsess over entrance songs, making sure no Yankees are offended.

Derek F. Jeter
Upside: His intangibles make everything better. Joe Morgan will finally praise Mets.
Downside: Clubhouse will have stench of "Driven," Jeter’s cologne.

Rachael Ray
Upside: Duh. She’s Rachael Ray.
Downside: None whatsoever.

Pat Burrell:
Upside: At least he’ll stop killing us on the field.
Downside: Phillie taint.

Roger Clemens:
Upside: It’s not like anything worse could happen to him at this point.

Downside: Would make Carlos Beltran change name to Karlos.

Mets Guy in Michigan:
Upside: I coach a coed softball team, and we have a better winning percentage than the Mets.
Downside: I think I pissed off Tony Bernazard ages ago when he was on my fantasy team.

Gary Carter:
Upside: We already know he wants the job. Really, really wants the job.
Downside: You have to be crazy to want this job.

Lincoln's hair, Rachael Ray's scarf and the Friday Five

Another crazy week. But the softball team won again — beating our friendly rivals — and the Mets are proving that Willie should be threatened with a pink slip more often.

So let’s waste no further time and get right to the Deezo Friday Five.


1) I fear for the future of baseball cards. Upper Deck apparently got bored slicing up historic baseball jerseys and bats because it’s now moved on to historical documents — and worse.

Actually Topps has been pasting cut autographs onto cards for several years. But Upper Deck has gone one step further: a strand of hair.

A "Hair Cuts" cards insert set is planned for 2008 SP Legendary Cuts Baseball boxes that will include a cut autograph and strand of the celebrity’s hair.

Included in the mix are locks from George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Geronimo, Andrew Jackson and Babe Ruth.

Frightening as it is, I think this could get worse. I fully expect this to leap from historical figures to current players.

It’s bad enough that I might pull a Derek F. Jeter card out of a pack, much less a card with a piece of a jersey allegedly worn by Capt. Intangibles. But to hold in my hands something plucked from Jeter’s head — and I hope it’s just his head — is just creepy, creepy, creepy.

A David Wright card would be pretty cool, though.


2) If that wasn’t bad enough, the company also has a "Presidential Predictor" card showing Hillary Clinton lifting Barack Obama in victory. You know what would be cool? If my baseball card sets had cards of baseball players. Seriously, I guy like Fernando Tatis can’t get on a card, but we have silly drawings of politicians.


3) There’s a slight chance I have a long-distance crush on Rachael Ray. I’m sure a lot of guys also subscribe to her magazine for the articles.

Rachael apparently likes to make herself available for us all to view her by appearing in many, many commercials.

But Dunkin’ Donuts pulled an ad featuring Ms. Yum-O after columnist Michelle Malkin said Ray was wearing a scarf that appears to be similar to a traditional Arab headdress called a keffiyeh. Malkin said the scarf makes Rachael appear sympathetic to jihadists. As if. She just wants them to buy Ritz crackers.

Now, if she were wearing a Yankees cap, I’d boycott.

Trust me on this, no one was happier that Malkin went off the deep end than Dunkin’ Donuts. Why would the company pull the ads? So newspapers and cable stations would write stories about the company pulling the ads, giving it all kinds of free publicity.

But Dunkin’ will get no such compliance from this blog. Oh, wait.


4) Baseball hasn’t really been the same since bullpen buggies disappeared. They were like our sport’s version of the Zamboni. And maybe our relief pitchers would have been less tired at the end of last season if they didn’t have to trek all the way across the outfield on their way to the mound.



5) I learned a lot of things researching this week’s lost iPod classic, "Hey, St. Peter" by Flash and the Pan. It’s another song where all kinds of things are going on, with unusual vocals and instruments that don’t seem to fit — but somehow do. And the lyrics mention New York, which always helps.

I always thought Flash was a one-hit wonder, but then I found out it was a side project from the songwriting team of Vanda and Young. They were in a band called the Easybeats that scored a hit with "Friday on My Mind" in the late 1960s, then settled into a career of writing and producing songs for a whole bunch of bands. Most notably, they worked with a metal band that included Young’s little brothers, Angus and Malcom. Maybe you’ve heard of AC/DC.

Now for a word of caution. The video is atrocious, even for something from the 1970s. I’d say it looks like something produced by high school kids, but I wouldn’t want to insult teen-agers. It might forever ruin whatever nice feelings you have for the song. It’s that bad.