Cleaning up yet another Tom Verducci mess

Amazingly, Tom Verducci didn't think any of these guys were worthy of his "best players of today team."

I suppose the only thing more predictable than an outrageous Yankee-lovin’ column from Sports Illustrated hack Tom Verducci is a post from me expressing outrage over Yankee-lovin’ Verducci columns.

So for the sake of consistentcy, let’s dissect Verducci’s recent column where he picks today’s very best players at each position. He also picks the best of all-time and of the next five years and those are equally bad. But we only have so much time and energy to spend on Yankee-hacks.

Let’s get the obvious ones out of the way:

SS: Derek Jeter, Yankees. And Verducci’s rationalization: “His defense is slipping, but he is a consistent offensive force who will march well beyond 3,000 hits.”

His defense is slipping? The wax dummy of Jeter at Madam Tussauds has as much — if not more — range as the real Jeter. And the wax version can at least claim it didn’t (allegedly) give herpes to Jessica Alba, as the L.A. Rag Mag celebrity gossip site reported.

Heck, Jeter couldn’t claim five tools if he walked through Lowe’s with a gift card.

Let’s look at some facts:

Player A: .327 ave., 8 HR, 57 RBI, 75 runs, 12 steals
Player B: .303 ave., 9 HR, 47 RBI, 86 runs, 56 steals

Player A, of course, is the object of Verducci’s man-crush. Player B is our own Jose Reyes, who is clearly the better player. Yes, Jeter has more runs batted in, but he’s the DH league and has an actual batter getting on base ahead of him to drive home, as opposed to the pitcher.

Plus, Reyes is an excellent defender and appears to be disease-free.

Player Verducci should have picked: Reyes, of course.

3B: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees; “Best ever among a rare breed: a game-changing infielder.”

What Verducci is leaving out is that ARod has tried to change games by slapping the ball out of a first-baseman’s glove and shouting to distract at a third-baseman so he’d drop a pop-up, a move even his manager criticized.

I won’t deny that Arod hits an occasional homer. But the dude has accumulated enough baggage that the Skanks need a cargo jet to follow the team charter on road trips. This season alone we’ve had photos of him leaving adult establishments with ladies who did not appear to be his wife (Stray-Rod), and then his wife wearing t-shirts to Yankee Stadium emblazoned with an F-bomb (F-Rod). Jose Canseco has recently hinted that the source of Arod’s power might not be totally natural (A-Roid).

Then you have the on-going feud with the Blue Jays that led to bench-clearing brawls in a recent series and Roger Clemens getting suspended for throwing at a batter.

Player Verducci should have picked: David Wright. Wright hits for power, hits for average, is fast, is getting better in the field and is squeaky clean.

Closer: Marino Rivera, Yankees “His cutter is among the greatest pitches in history. When he's on, he's a one-pitch pitcher, but hitters still can't hit what they know is coming.”

Maybe, just maybe, this might have been justifiable in, say, 1998. But once people like Marco Scutaro start taking you deep, you can no longer make such claims. But Verducci also listed Rivera as the greatest closer of all time, which makes me think he has never heard of Dennis Eckersley and Rollie Fingers, closers who actually have things like Cy Young and MVP awards.

Player Verducci should have selected: Billy Wagner. Imagine, a closer who actually closes games.

C: Joe Mauer, Twins “Only 24, with a .316 lifetime average and .396 on-base percentage.”

You know it just killed Verducci not to pick Jorge Posada. I bet the SI editors forced him to throw some token non-Yankees on there so he could at least pretend he’s not biased. Mauer’s a nice player who probably should have won the AL MVP last year, which went to his teammate. But he seems to lack that fire a team needs in the on-field captain.

Who Verducci should have picked: Paul Lo Duca. Talk about fire! Did you see the absolutely crazed look in Paulie’s eyes when he got tossed back in July!

1B: Albert Pujols, Cardinals “Maybe the greatest start to a career in history: six straight seasons hitting .300 or better, with at least 30 homers, 100 RBIs, 100 runs and a top-four MVP finish.”

Greatest start to a career? Did he forget about Mike Vail’s 23-game hitting streak? All I know is that when the All-Star Game was on the line, Pujols’ own manager sent Aaron Rowland to the plate instead of Albert.

Who Verducci should have picked: Carlos Delgado. You know that if LaRussa had Delgado on the bench at the All-Star Game he would have called Rowland back. Carlos doesn’t even need to swing the bat to win a game. Remember his walk-off walk? That’s how good he is!


2B: Chase Utley, Phillies. “He's clearly the best second baseman in the game and getting better. His batting average has gone up four consecutive years.”

First of all, the dude’s name sounds like he would be in Neidermier’s frat in “Animal House,” and the last thing we need on the best-of-today team is some uptight preppy with easily breakable hands.

Who Verducci should have picked: Luis Castillo. How good is Castillo? In 2003, a Cubs fan had to make a choice. He could let Moises Alou catch a ball and send his beloved team to the World Series. Or, he could have a glorious piece of memorabilia, a foul ball hit by Luis Castillo. As we know, Mr. Bartman wanted that ball. And that speaks volumes about Luis Castillo.

OF: Manny Ramirez, Red Sox: “His power numbers may be down slightly this year, but he's still as pure a hitter as they come.”

Hey, we all know Manny is a hitting savant. But the guy is just plain nuts – look at the hair! – and fields even worse than Jeter. If the guy is so good, why did the Sox try to dump him to anyone who would pay his salary a few years ago. And take note, no one took him!

Who Verducci should have picked: Moises Alou. I’m not saying Alou isn’t somewhat injury prone. He misses a game or two or 30. But dude’s been a monster since returning from the DL.

OF: Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners: “A hit machine, his graceful, gliding style at bat, and in the field, is a pleasure to watch.”

Ichiro might be the luckiest All-Star Game MVP in history, reaping the rewards of the ball taking a funky hop off the outfield wall and rolling away from Ken Griffey Jr.

Who Verducci should have picked: Carlos Beltran. Beltran, when he does swing, also is a hit machine with a graceful, gliding style and is a pleasure to watch on the field. But unlike Ichiro, Beltran actually hits homers, setting the Mets franchise record last year.

OF: Vlad Guerrero, Angels: “He's the most dangerous offensive force in the game because he can hit absolutely anything and hit it hard. Guerrero is a great combination of power and hand-eye coordination.”

I guess Vlad is OK, But there must be a reason the Mets passed on him when he was a free agent.

Who Verducci should have picked: Matt Holliday, Rockies. You thought I was going to pick Shawn Green, didn’t you? Not a chance! Blindly picking players from my favorite team would make me no better than Verducci!

Rotation: Johan Santana, Twins; Roy Hallady, Blue Jays; Roy Oswalt, Astros; Jake Peavy, Padres; Justin Verlander, Tigers.

The Yankees rotation is so horrible that not even Verducci could justify picking one, though I bet his first draft had Clemens in the mix. Some of those guys are decent.

Who Verducci should have picked: I’ll grant him Santana as a decent pick. But he forgot Tom Glavine – you don’t pile up 300 wins stinking up the field – John Maine, Oliver Perez and El Duque.

Now that’s the best team of today! How Verducci draws a paycheck is a total mystery.

Aaron's car and other spring training news.

If there’s anything that can at least mentally melt the snow piling up around Grand Rapids this week, it’s the phrase “pitchers and catchers reported to spring training.”

And it was so nice to see the Mets out there frolicking around Port St. Lucie that I didn’t even mind the stupid new batting practice caps they’re being forced to wear.

And what contrast between the Mets camp and the hi-jinks going on across the state in Yankee land.

We’ve had Pedro showing up, looking nice and healthy and announcing that he was rehabbing ahead of schedule.

D-Wright is living up to his do-right reputation with every quote he gives, and Mr. Cover Boy has been all over the place.

Willie was walking around flashing his World Series rings, making it clear that playing deep into October last year isn’t going to cut it this year, a message we all like to hear – especially when the management goal not to long ago was to be playing “meaningful games” in September.

Even the owners are getting into the act, with Fred Wilpon announcing a $12 million donation to the University of Michigan for some health and athletic programs.

About the only thing that comes close to spoiling the good mood was Aaron Heilman griping about his parking spot. And we’ll get to that in a minute.

In contrast, at so-called Legends Field about the best thing they can say is that Derek Freaking Jeter hasn’t become the latest to declare he’s a potential father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Of course, he’d be exposed as a liar right away because even Anna Nicole had some standards. And when you rank below Gabor husbands on the acceptability scale, that's saying something.

But let’s review. Yankee icon and helmet-tosser Bernie Williams was kicked to the curb. Apparently Bernie thought his years of solid play and not embarrassing the Yanks earned him a little more than a minor league contract. I guess Bernie didn’t think spending the summer at Scranton-Wilkes Barre waiting for Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui to get hurt was his idea of a farewell tour.

Then cyborg-closer Mariano Rivera mouthed off that Bernie was being mistreated, and oh yeah, he wants a contract extension or he’ll walk at the end of the season. I didn’t know Rivera was programmed to speak at all, much less criticize management.

Stunned that he was being out-quoted by a guy who previously never spoke, Mike Mussina started tossing verbal bombs at slacker-pitcher Carl Pavano, who has spent a lot more time on the DL than the mound since signing a big deal.

Then, not content to allow the players to do all the stupid things, George Steinbrenner’s son-in-law and designated successor Steve Swindal is facing charges of driving under the influence after allegedly weaving and driving 61 mph in a 35 mph zone.

Yankee turmoil is like shrimp sample day at Costco, you just can’t get enough.

Now, back to Mr. Heilman. Apparently Aaron was peeved because some of the biggest stars and veterans have assigned parking spaces at the Mets camp and Aaron’s ride is going to reside with the rookies and everyone else.

Aaron. Dude. What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were looking over shoulder as a pitch to Yadier Molina was flying into the left field bullpen in the ninth inning of NLCS Game 7.

Molina, he of the .216 stick during the regular season, is the reason my Christmas list did not consist entirely of 2006 World Series merchandise.

It wasn’t quite a Kenny Rogers meltdown, but there are enough people who think your new middle name should be “Bleeping” to suggest that you should not be so cocky arriving in camp.

Aaron, you should have been the second guy in camp. I’d say first guy, but I think Wright has been there since Halloween trying to make up for his own post-season woes.

Then you should have quietly slipped in a side door, hustled out to the field, and practiced your change-up so no one with a .216 can never ever get solid wood on it again.

Then, you should have marched to the stands to sign everything for everyone whether they asked for it or not, and write “I’m sorry” under every autograph.

Park your car and pitch well, and you can be redeemed.

Mariano's cleats and a long drive with WFAN

This week I was on an assignment that sent me on a long drive to a small town in northern Michigan. I wouldn’t get home until well after midnight, but that was fine with me – I knew it would be one of those rare occasions I’d get to listen to WFAN.

Yup, radios here in the Midwest can pick up the Mets’ 50,000-watt flagship station, but only when the conditions are just right.

It’s got to be a crystal-clear night and you have to be far from any city where a crowded dial can turn 660-AM to static.

Thursday was cloudless, and my journey home from Gaylord took me through remote places like Grayling, Lake City and Cadillac. Note to Kiss fans: Yes, that Cadillac.

Loaded up with enough Diet Coke to keep me awake and on the road, I prepared to revel in the glory of New York accents and news of my first-place Mets for most of my three-hour trip.

Instead I was forced to hear about Mariano Rivera’s spikes.

Yes, that was the day that the Yankee closer somehow hurt his back tying his shoes. That injury prevented the Cyborg from taking the bump in the last inning in the series finale against Detroit.

And with Kyle Farnesworth dealing his hittable heat, the Tigers mounted a rally, pushed two runs across the plate for a walk-off win and avoided a sweep.

It also was the day that Gary “I didn’t know they were steroids” Sheffield went back on the disabled list and is likely headed for season-ending surgery.

If I can’t hear about a Mets victory, then the next best thing is hearing despondent Yankee fans whine. I heard more angst coming over their airwaves than I did at the middle school youth group lock-in I chaperoned the next night.

How does an athlete – especially one whose action is limited to one inning every couple nights – get hurt tying his shoe, one caller wondered.

Where was Jeter, the great Yankee captain, asked another? Derek F. Jeter was on the bench, nursing his own injury.

“Those shouldn’t be NYs on the Yankees caps, they should be Red Crosses,” opined on-air personality Steve Somers.

Plus, he commented, The Big Unit has been getting rocked and there would be no help from Roger Clemens, who opted to stay home in Houston rather than return to the scene of his bat-chucking.

Perhaps, Somers wondered, the Yankees are getting a little too old and brittle, and the farm system was a little thin, which is why a well-past-his-prime Terrance Long was called up from Columbus to patrol the ground once manned by Mantle and Maris.

Somers was then bereted by a caller named Carlos from the Bronx, accusing the host of having a Mets bias. Apparently Mike & the Mad Dog and their Yankee-lovin’ don’t phase Carlos as much as someone suggesting that a $194 million payroll is misspent on players whose best days are behind them.

Perhaps Yankee fans can't handle the truth?

As for my story, you might have heard about the case of mistaken identity involving two college students involved in a crash that killed five people in April. One was pronounced dead at the scene, the other airlifted to a hospital.

One was buried in Gaylord a month ago, the other recovering in a Grand Rapids hospital, surrounded by family.

Except, as it turned out, it’s the wrong family.

If you want to read something inspiring, here is a blog that was created by the family of the dead student who was presumed to be alive, and has since been updated by both families. They are remarkable people.

In other words:

If you’d like to learn a little more about the guy typing this, Greg of Faith and Fear in Flushing interviewed me for the Crane Pool Forum. You can find it about mid-way down on this entry: this entry.

If you liked the post about the Scott Kazmir trade, you’ll like this: An entire blog about the deal.

Let's help the Yankees find some new songs

Not only do the Yankees and their apologists in the media think they are entitled to all the best players, now they are apparently claiming the best songs, too.

Withness this tantrum from WFAN's Mike Francesa after new Mets closer Billy Wagner dared to enter the game accompanied by Metallica's "Enter Sandman." Wagner's been using the song for years. But Mike, the radio version of Bob Klapisch and Tom Verducci, thinks it's off-limits because, gasp! Yankee closer/cyborg Mariano Rivera's been using it.

"I don't care if Billy Wagner did it in Houston and did it in Philly. Nobody knew he did it. The Mets announcers didn't know it. No one in the stadium knew this was his song. Nobody in America knew this was his song. I know he has a relationship with Metallica, but i don't care if he grew up and he was in the band. When you come to this town you cannot co-opt something, now that you're a Met sometimes you're gonna have to do a little changing, because you're coming to a town where a guy has turned that song into an event. Point is, at Yankee Stadium this is a huge deal, this is symbolic, it's known around baseball that this is a big deal. You can'tco-opt it. It's lame. Find something else."

I didn't hear this personally, but it was posted on my Mets listserv, and people there swear it's true. Apparently Mike was serious. Because you know, closer entrance songs are a big deal. Whatever.

Somebody go and get Mike a paper bag to breathe into. Meanwhile, I've taken the liberty of making sure this crisis doesn't happen again. I've found songs that assorted Yankee players can play when they take the mound or come to the plate.

“That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd: Jason Giambi
Yup, that would be the smell of shame, a smell that Giambi knows well. This is a guy who came back from spring training a year ago and lost a bunch of weight, coincidently after he testified before a grand jury about steroid use. But Jason told us yoga – not a forced de-juicing – made him so slender.

“American Idiot” by Green Day: Gary Sheffield
Gary’s another guy linked to the steroid scandal. He said he took the stuff, but he thought he was taking flaxseed oil. Idiot.

“Money (That’s What I want)” by the Flying Lizards: Alex Rodriguez
Alex left a very solid Seattle Mariners team for the off-the-radar Texas Rangers for 225 million reasons. Then Alex had the stones to complain that the team lost early and often. Of course, the mid-market Rangers had to skim the waiver wire for players because they were playing one guy $25 million a year. Can you guess who that guy was? Alex showed his appreciation by demanding a trade.

“Dude (Looks Like A Lady)” by Aerosmith: Derek Jeter
I don’t think we need to explain this one too much.

“Money Changes Everything” by Cyndi Lauper: Johnny Damon
Here is another guy chasing the bucks. But unlike SlapRod, Damon sold his soul by going from the Red Sox, where he was adored by the Chowds, to the devil.

“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” By Elton John: Bernie Williams
OK, I realize as far as Yankees go, Bernie’s a classy guy. But Bern, it’s over. You were overrated to begin with, and now you lost your job to a traitor.

“Hound Dog” By Elvis Presley: Jorge Posada
I realize Jorge can’t help the way he looks. But he might be the ugliest player in baseball in the post-Willie McGee era. Dude is homely, and breaking his beak at the end of spring training isn’t going to help. Good thing he wears a mask on the field.

“Fool on the Hill” by the Beatles: Randy Johnson
The Unit used to be cool. Now he’s a he’s a photographer-bashing jerk. Kenny Rogers roughed up a shooter and was suspended and booed at the All-Star Game just for showing up. Unit did pretty much the same thing on his way to a physical and all we got is a lame forced apology? Fool. Sorry Kenny, the rules are different for Yankees.

“What Have I Done to Deserve This?” by the Pet Shop Boys: Carl Pavano
Pavano had a career year, got lured to the Skanks and promptly blew out his arm. It’s karma, Carl. You should have stayed with the Fish. Well, they would have traded you last season anyway, but at least you’d still have your pride.

OK now, Mets. Don't take these songs! We don't want Mike and the Mad Dog to get all worked up.

The best part of his little tantrum was the notion that America didn't know that Wagner used the song, but of course all the nation knows that Rivera used it because, well, he's a Yankee and everybody follows them. Typical arrogance.

The best part was that this tirade came after the Skanks beat the daylights out of Oakland in the first game of the season. You'd think the Yankee apologists would be enjoying the moment. Instead, they're getting all hot and bothered about what's playing on the Shea PA system.

Guess we're winning.