Place No. 72, Pink's Hot Dogs. Seriously. And, 72A, Nathan's Famous

Is the World Series over yet? I’ve been hibernating, attempting to avoid exposure to the whole sordid affair.

I did emerge and see a photo of ARod dressed in his Halloween costume. I’m assuming he was dressed as Rocky Balboa. Seriously, that had to be a costume, right?

"Yo, Adrian! Trick or treat!"

Speaking of people trying to pull our legs, Josh Pahigian tries to salute ballpark hot dogs by taking us to Los Angeles and someplace called “Pink’s” for place no. 72 in his “101 Baseball Places to See Before You Strike Out.”

Based on this entry, the book should be renamed “100 Baseball Places and one Hollywood Eatery That Has Nothing to Do With Baseball.”

Seriously, even Josh points out that the place has a Hollywood motif, and that you have to look hard to find a baseball connection.

The fact that Josh looked to Los Angeles for hot dogs is an outrage and makes be uneasy about places Nos. 73 through 101.

I shall come to his rescue.

Alternative place No. 72A) Nathan’s Famous, Coney Island.

Nathan’s, of course, is the kind of hot dog served at Citi Field and formerly at Shea. So it only makes sense that we had to return to the epicenter of all things Nathan’s to pay proper tribute when we returned to the homeland this past summer.

Hot dogs have been a ballpark staple since Harry M. Stevens began serving them at the Polo Grounds in the early 1900s.

Tim and Andrew liked thier dogs.

History tells us that Polish immigrant Nathan Handwerker, in 1916 opened his small stand at Coney Island, serving the dogs and crinkle-cut fries are served with a little fork.

The company's Web site claims President Franklin Delano Roosevelt served Nathan's Famous hot dogs to the King and Queen of England in 1939, and had the dogs shipped to Yalta when he met with Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin.

Dad, Tim, Andrew and I headed to Coney Island after seeing the Mets beat the Cardinals 9-0 in our Citi Field debut.

After braving the Cyclone and Wonder Wheel, we made our way down to Nathan’s. Things had changed, but not that much. Dad ordered a round of dogs and fries, and we sat down on some tables to watch the colorful world that is Coney Island walk past.


There are massive signs about the annual hot dog eating contest, which seems kind of freakish.

New York requires restaurants to disclose the number of calories on menus. A hot dog with bun had 296 calories. This year's hot dog eating champion, Joey Chestnut, ate a record 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes on July 4. That would be 20,128 calories.

The dogs were glorious, and I’m sure I savored my one more than Joey enjoyed his 68.

We came right from the game, though I removed my Tom Seaver jersey for safety, lest there was any hurling on the Cyclone.

I was in standing on line for a second round of Diet Cokes when I guy looked over and said, "Hey, were you at the game today?"

"Yeah! How'd you know?"

"Well, you got Mr. Met on your face."

I'd forgotten to remove the menacing Mr. Met temporary tattoo. Not that strange facial tats made me stand out in a crowd on Coney Island.

Truth be told, I’m not keen on franks at the ballpark. Order a dog at your typical stadium, and an employee will open a drawer and hand you a ball of foil, the contents of which will be a shriveled dog and a squished, soggy bun that sticks to the dog.

One of things I liked best about the old Tiger Stadium was that vendors would roam the stands with boiled dogs floating in water that I assumed was hot. (If you know otherwise, don’t tell me. I’m in my happy place.)

Anyway, the vendor would capture a dog with tongs, take a fresh bun out of a bag, slap it there and then offer you mustard or ketchup, which he’d apply from a bottle.
The dogs were Ball Parks and not Nathans, but I could pretend.

Like I was saying, Johan Santana's season-ending surgery can be blamed on Hallmark

Not that I like saying “I told you so.” But I sure wasn’t shocked when Johan Santana went down with season-ending surgery a couple weeks ago.

This was to be expected. Not only is he the latest victim of the Hallmark curse, he is proof it exists.

People, especially friends in the Crane Pool Forum, scoffed when I exposed this. But the track record speaks for itself. There is no denying it at this point.

Here's the post from July.

In case you missed that one, it’s become an established fact that whomever Hallmark selects to be this year’s Christmas ornament is destined to spend the holidays and the rest of the off-season recovering from a catastrophic injury — or worse.

Here’s the quick listing as a refresher.

2009: Our Johan, season-ending surgery

2008: Nomar Garciaparra, played just 55 games and drove in 28 runs

2007: David Ortiz, robbed of his power — 55 homers to 35 — due to mysterious ailment or lack of “supplements.”

2006: Alex Rodriguez, reduced to batting eighth in post-season, photographed with strange woman in Toronto, dated Madonna, dumped by wife, outed for steroid use back in 2003, hip ailment, deemed never to be a true Yankee.

2005: Albert Pujols, missed three weeks the next season, allowing Ryan Howard to steal his MVP Award.

2004: Barry Bonds, life pretty much went to hell.

2004: Willie Mays, other than the shame of being depicted as San Francisco Giant instead of a New York Giant or Met, Willie is one of the rare exceptions to the curse.

2003: Jason Giambi, linked to BALCO scandal, Yankee taint.

2003: Ted Williams, died, head lopped off, frozen.

2002: Derek F. Jeter, became smug, homely, over-rated weasel with no range. Team hasn’t won a series since this ornament was cast.

2002: George Brett, like Mays, seemed to be the rare exception.

2001: Sammy Sosa, had one more decent season before the wheels came off, another player allegedly outed by leaked test results.

2001: Mickey Mantle, was dead by six years when ornament came out. Remained dead.

2000: Mark McGwire, was hurt for much of the season, hit just .187 the following year. ùù 2000 and 1999: Ken Griffey Jr., was traded two months after Christmas ornament came out, with Hallmark issuing a second one the following year.

1998: Cal Ripken Jr., went from playing 161 games in 1998 to just 86 in 1999. Here’s where the curse kicked in, when Hallmark started going after active players.

1997: Hank Aaron, a safe and glorious choice.

1996: Nolan Ryan, the first ornament, sadly depicting Ryan playing for some Texas team instead of his glory days, winning his only World Championship with the 1969 Mets.

You just can’t make this stuff up.

About the only thing we can do now is start e-mailing Hallmark requesting — no, demanding — that they produce ornaments of Phillies and Yankees in 2010. All of them.

And David Wright? He doesn’t exist, as far as you know, Hallmark.

Count the blessings, and the turkeys, too

I lead a blessed life and I know it. And Thanksgiving is perhaps my favorite holiday because I get to celebrate those blessings with the people who both provide them and – most importantly – are counted among them.

This is quite possibly the best Thanksgiving ever, with the largest gathering of those people that we’ll probably ever assemble. I’ll soon offer all kinds of details and photos.

Meanwhile, it’s time for our annual pause to reflect upon some of those blessings. And we’ll look at the turkeys as well, because without them running around making things difficult, we’d forget just how special the good times and people are.

I’m thankful: That I got to experience one last game at Shea Stadium. My awesome cousin Tim and my awesome parents provided the tickets, and we watched Johann Santana almost beat the Yankees in the middle game of the final Subway Series. It was such an emotional day. But I made sure I got one more look from just about every possible vantage point that security would allow – and some that it didn’t. The Mets lost, but that barely detracted from a very, very special day I’ll remember forever.

Turkey! Derek Jeter. It’s known that St. Derek the Intangible manages to appear on this list each year. It’s also true that there is no obvious reason for including him this year. People who get SNY might disagree after watching that Edge ad over and over and over and over. But I regretfully don’t get that station, so I can’t join in their pain. This leaves me to conclude that one of two things is possible. Jeter might finally have learned his lesson and straightened up, living life the Met Way. Or, Derek has finally become proficient at keeping his misbehavior away from our vigilant eyes. I vote for the latter. Don’t let Jeter outside in the rain, because he’s a turkey!

I’m thankful: That I was able to see the Mets four times this season. I actually have many benefactors who look out for me. Long-suffering best friend Will and his lovely sidekick Laurie provided seats at Wrigley where the Cubs got one over on the Mets. That was followed by the weekend at Shea, where, of course, they lost. Then the Baseballtruth.com executives indulged me by making a July 19 game in Cincinnati our annual Executive Game, and, of course, the Mets lost. I extended my trip a little and bought a single seat for the next game. The Mets went up, then allowed the Reds to tie then went ahead in the 10th inning, holding on for a 7-5 win, shattering a 17-year, nine-city personal Mets losing streak. I’ll always be thankful for Robinson Cancel, who had the big hit.” And next time I see the Mets, I can boast that I have a one-game winning streak!

Turkey! Alex Rodriguez. ARod, the reluctant Yankee, was caught leaving Madonna’s apartment. Now, we don’t know for sure what Alex was up to. But it’s fun to speculate. I didn’t notice him carrying his Jenga or Travel Scrabble games in the photo. It was too late in the season to serve as draft consultant for her fantasy baseball team, the Blonde Ambitions. And if the Material Girl had a Wii,, Alex would have stayed longer because the bowling part of Wii Sports is addictive. Beat my high score of 244, Alex! But I digress. Hanging out with Madonna, whatever the reason, does nothing but whip the tabloids into a frenzy and create a distraction for his team.

I’m thankful for: Costco! My camera started to expire in the middle of our Key West vacation, so naturally I went to the Best Store Ever for a replacement. It was pretty cool, too, though I learned the zoom lens was not especially good when my Dad was able to zoom in on Mr. Met taking down the Shea Countdown number in centerfield from our seats in the loge, and I tried to zoom in and had most of the outfield remaining in the shot. But it was still a decent camera. Alas, it was a casualty of the game in Cincinnati. The streak was broken, but so was the view screen. I think someone stepped on it by mistake. But I bought it at Costco, and was still a week away from hitting the 90-day deadline to return electronic items. The store happily accepted the broken camera, and I walked out with an even newer camera with a much better zoom. Costco rocks!

Turkeys! People who drive while using the cell phone. My son is learning to drive, so we are keenly aware of other motorists, especially those with bad driving habits. It’s used to be that when you saw someone ahead weaving and driving slow, you’d see that it was one of our senior citizens wearing those oversized sunglasses that fit on top of their regular glasses. But now, the vast majority of the time it’s some doofus using a cell phone. We’re at the point where we can pick them out from a distance. And this happens every single day. It’s only a matter of time before this stuff gets banned. Years from now we’ll be telling kids, “I remember when you used to be able to use your cell phone right when you were driving,” and they’ll look at us with the horror folks of my generation reserve for people who don’t wear seatbelts. End the call, turkey!

I’m thankful for: Two Mets books, one that was published this year and another that’s on the way. Crane Pooler Jon Springer and Matthew Silverman penned “Mets By the Numbers,” which is a fascinating telling of Mets history through uniform numbers. Turns out numbers are an indicator of a player’s destiny. If you’re handed No. 43, for instance, don’t unpack your bags. I’ve already glossed this tome to be the best book ever, and not just because Jon asked me to submit a photo of my Mercury Mets jersey. Fellow blogger Greg Prince will take a run at that that designation with his “Faith and Fear in Flushing” book that should hit the shelves as pitchers and catchers hit St. Lucie. I can’t wait!

Turkey! Then we have writers we don’t like so much, like Bob Klapisch. Klap’s a known Met hater and was exposed as a Yankee lover when he wrote a column suggesting that Yankee closer Mariano Rivera should start the All-Star Game.

"No, the real way to commemorate Yankee Stadium in what could be its final marquee event is to let Rivera start the game: Allow him to bask in the thunderous standing ovation, and let him know what it feels like to have a million flashbulbs go off in his face upon delivery of that first cut fastball.But Rivera would only throw one inning; that would be the stipulation. One inning, and he gets to stand on the mound and let the ovation cover him like a soft rain. It would be a reminder of better times in the Bronx, back when the Yankees really did rule the world.”

It was the “ovation covering him like a soft rain,” that sent me over the edge. It’s become a catch phrase!

I’m thankful: That I had some very nice students in the college journalism class I taught. I know it was a learning experience for me, and I hope it was for them, too. The students were patient, and one even won an award for a story she wrote for my class, so something good must have been happening. None of them turned in something with soft rain ovations, either. And the tossing-the-baby-sock-at-the-governor incident is now part of college lore.

Turkeys! Mets bullpen, I’m looking at you. All of you. Heck, one of you even screwed up the All-Star Game. Blame Willie’s slots and Pedro’s short starts all you want. But you guys stunk up the joint, especially on the very last day when we needed you to stink less than normal. Tim Lincecum needs to send each of you a slice of his Cy Young Award, because Johan Santana would have won it had you goofballs not blown so many of his games. I suspect that Omar is spending the winter trying to get most of you in a different uniform by spring training. And he should.

I’m thankful: Then again, some of them pitched better than I did in some coed softball games this season. But we still had a lot of fun, taking third place in the consolidation round after coming within one out of ousting the eventual league champs. I am very grateful the church folks allowed me to coach again. I founded and coached our newspaper coed team in Flint for nine seasons, and it was fun to break out the Coach-a-matic 2000 magnetic lineup board and lead a team once again. Well, most of the time.

Turkeys! I’m disappointed, if not openly bitter, at how the Mets and MeiGray are handling the auctioning of Shea Stadium memorabilia. Actually, the auctions don’t bother me because if things get bid up, that’s the way it goes. But it the fixed-price items get my goat. You’d think the Mets would want to have something at every price point so just about everyone could have a piece of Shea to treasure. But bricks are selling for $50, and that’s just crazy.

I’m thankful: Then again, who needs a Shea brick when Cousin Tim honored me with a piece of new Citi Field! The Mets even send a duplicate brick that serves as a beautiful display in the family room. It’s comforting to know that in a small way, I’m right there with the Mets.

And I’m very, very thankful to you, gentle reader, for spending some time here. It’s an honor and a responsibility.

We joke a lot around here, but I do realize and appreciate that the Lord has taken good care of me even though I might not always recognize how he is working. I wish you and your family a wonderful and safe holiday.

I, the jury

I covered a trial once where I swore one juror slept through the entire trial. Another juror oddly held his lunchbox in his lap the entire time as if the bailiff was ready to run off with his sandwich the moment he set it on the ground.

The defendant was found not guilty, which seemed to be a shock even to his attorney, who had a "guilty" statement all prepared and didn’t bother to write one for the verdict that actually arrived.

Then I was part of a jury pool. One by one, a court worker pulled numbers from a bin and potential jurors reluctantly made their way to the witness box to answer questions. It seemed like everyone had an excuse for why they couldn’t serve, or blatantly answered questions in a way they knew would get them dismissed.

I came to this realization: Defendants do not get a jury of their peers, they get a jury of people who can’t get out of jury duty.

If I were ever a defendant with my life hanging in the balance, I’d want a jury of educated, professional Mets fans and not sleepers or paranoids.

I vowed that if called, I would proudly serve.

And this week I might get my chance. The summons to appear for jury duty recently appeared in the mailbox. I have a secret juror number, and call the court each night this week to see if I am needed.

It’s unlikely I’d get picked for a criminal trial. Reporters who are related to police officers and prosecutors are often sent back to the waiting room.

But I should be ready for action. And practice makes perfect.

Let’s try some sample cases.

Defendant: Carlos Delgado

Crime: Being a washed-up power hitter.

Prosecution: The first half of the season

Defense: Since Willie was dismissed, Carlos has been among the league leaders in home runs, RBI and late-game dramatics.

Verdict: Not guilty! Yea! Now go beat up the Phillies.

Defendant: Derek F. Jeter

Charge: Being grossly over-hyped.

Prosecution: Capt. Intangibles is hitting under .300 with just 9 homers, 10 steals and 66 RBI, has the range of a stone garden gnome and his team is going to miss the playoffs.

Defense: There is no defending Derek F. Jeter.

Verdict: Guilty as sin!

Defendant: Rachael Ray

Charge: Unnatural enhancements

Prosecution:

February

May

Defense: Um, Photoshop maybe?

Verdict: Appears to be guilty. No tampering with the ingredients, please!

Defendant: Alex Rodriguez
Charge: Exceedingly bad taste
Prosecution: Caught slinking out of Madonna’s Manhattan pad.
Defense: "Open Your Heart" and "Like a Prayer" are decent songs.

Verdict: Guilty! Date people your own age and with hits in the last decade.




There you go! This shouldn’t be that hard. All I request is to have cupholders in the jury box for my Diet Coke and WiFi should the Mets play an afternoon game.

Keeping track of 2007's blessings -- and turkeys, too

I love Thanksgiving.

I realize the Lord has blessed me in many, many ways both large and small, and too often I forget to take a moment and express gratitude.

I have my health, an awesome family, 20 years of marriage, a job I love and a baseball team that was in it until the last day of the season.

So I like to use this day to pause and reflect on those things and the many, many others that make my life full.

And naturally, you can’t have Thanksgiving without turkeys, and there were plenty to try to spoil the fun in 2007. We need to keep track of them as well.

Speaking of turkey, this year I’m making one with an awesome maple glaze that was in my Rachael Ray magazine, proof to all that I get it for the articles.

So, before the balloons start making their way to Herald Square, here is the 2007 edition of things to be thankful for – and turkeys, too.


I’M THANKFUL FOR: David Wright. Let’s run down the list of accolades. Starting third baseman in the All-Star Game, Silver Slugger. Gold Glove. And you just know he deserved the MVP, too. Wright was a monster down the stretch when the Mets needed him most. Sadly, he coudn’t do it all by himself. They made a statue of Wright for Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum because darn it, you can’t have enough of him.

TURKEY: You know Derek F. Jeter is going to be on this list. The only question what did Mr. Yankee do this year to bring shame and disgrace to the baseball world and all of New York. This time, Derek allegedly hurt little kids and sick, elderly and poor people. DFJ claims to be a resident of Florida, where there is no state income tax. But New York’s Division of Taxation of Finance claims Jeter was more of a New York resident in 2001 through 2003 despite what he claims and could owe millions of dollars in back taxes. Taxes, I might add, that pay for things like schools, roads and medical care for the poor.

Nice, Derek. How many sick people went untreated because you couldn’t be bothered to pay your fair share?

I figure Derek owes dues to the actors union, too, after that performance where he caught the ball, kept running and jumped into the stands as if he was making some heroic diving catch.

I’M THANKFUL FOR: Tom Glavine getting career win No. 300 as a Met. We haven’t had too many players getting neat milestones while wearing our uniform. Lenny Harris’ career pinch-hit record is kind of cool, be we’ve missed on guys getting the big numbers that people celebrate, your basic 500 home runs, 3,000 hits and 300 wins.

Then again, Glavine has never been too close to our hearts, so it probably figured that he’d reach 300 on the road in Chicago instead of before semi-adoring fans at Shea.

TURKEY: Of course, those fans won't be even semi-adoring next time Glavine rolls into Shea. And that's because he's has been exposed as a saboteur — Will branded him a Glavateur — who snuck across enemy lines pretending to be one of us for five years. Then when we absolutely needed him to be halfway decent — and just halfway decent — to salvage a season he went and coughed up 7 runs and couldn’t get out of the first inning against the lowly Marlins.

At least with Chipper “Bleeping Jones,” we know where he stands. We know he plans to do us in. Sneaky Glavine was allowed to infiltrate and took us down at the worst possible moment. Now he scampers back to Atlanta where he will be greeted like a hero.

TURKEY: Speaking of Chipper “Bleeping” Jones. A bitter, cranky and shameless Chipper, it seems, told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution he was “shocked” that Wright won the Gold Glove.

“I wouldn’t have been disappointed had someone like (Pedro) Feliz or (Aramis) Ramirez won it,” Jones said. “I’m a little confused by the final tally — that’s a head-scratcher for me.”

When asked if he thought Wright’s offense prowess got him the defensive award, Chipper said “Then (Miguel) Cabrera should have won it, if that were the case.” “When I find out [Wright won] I was speechless, for quite some time. Certainly the guys with the least amount of errors and best fielding percentage quite obviously didn’t win it.”

Yeah, and some guys win an MVP Award because they had one hot series against the Mets.


I’M THANKFUL FOR: The University of Missouri’s magical football season. I never once witnessed Mizzou win a home football game in the entire time I was enrolled there. In fact, it was considered a good season back then when the team could break 20 points against Nebraska. Not win the game, mind you, just break 20 points.

I keep waiting for the team to collapse, and it just hasn’t happened. I don’t think Missouri has ever sniffed a national championship before, certainly not in the BCS era, so we’ll enjoy this.

TURKEYS: The Jets. There is a reason I don’t get too emotionally vested in the NFL. Apparently “Mangenius” isn’t the sharpest guy out there after all. No playoffs for our J-E-T-S this year. On the bright side, we exposed the Patriots for being video-taping cheaters and we still have the best uniforms in all of football.

The mighty Grand River is wide, but not very deep, making it a good home to turtles and possible beavers.


I’M THANKFUL FOR: Kayak Version 2.0. I’m the least outdoorsy person you know. My idea of roughing it is staying at a Hampton Inn that doesn’t have a breakfast bar featuring a waffle machine, and I don’t like roughing it.

But I am completely enamored of my 10-foot kayak, which I launch into the mighty Grand River near my home.

There’s just something cool about paddling out there through the woods, seeing all sorts of wildlife. There are lots of turtles sunning themselves on logs and at least three big brown things I assume to be beavers. Hey, it’s not like they’re standing still with name tags, like at the museum.

TURKEYS: People on jet skis and in canoes, plus Kayak Version 1.0, otherwise known as the Ky-tanic. Nothing shatters the peace and scatters the turtles and brown things I assume to be beavers like doofs roaring down the mighty Grand in their jet skis. On the bright side, you can hear them coming from behind a mile away so you can prepare for the wake that will jostle us quieter river-users. Then you have people in canoes, who, while not noisy, are unfriendly and smirking, especially the ones I encountered in Kayak Version 1.0 as it appeared to be folding in half and sinking. And memo to sporting goods salespeople: The posted weight limit on small kayaks is not a suggestion.

I’M THANKFUL FOR: The Crane Pool Forum. It’s a spot on the Web where Mets fan gather to discuss our favorite baseball team and pretty much everything else. As games are being played, the CPF gang follows along, commenting on every at-bat. Since I can’t get to Shea, this is as close as I can get to watching a game with friends. It’s also neat that some of the posters are the folks behind some of the best Mets sites out there, like Faith and Fear in Flushing and the Ultimate Mets Database.


TURKEY: Alex Rodriguez, now to be called Gobble GobbleRod. Sadly, the CPF gang was force to spend time speculating whether the Saddest Yankee would be a fit on the Mets after he opted out of his mega-contract. Of course, he went to the only team stupid enough to roll out $275 million for a player, and that would be the team he just opted away from. At least the headline writers at the New York Post will be happy.

I’M THANKFUL FOR: The heck with Yankees, let’s talk about John Maine! When the Mets needed a win to stay alive in the next-to-last game of the season, Maine went out and darn near threw the team’s first no-hitter, taking a gem into the eighth inning and losing it on a lame infield squibbler. He piled up 15 wins with a 3.90 ERA, a breakout year for a guy we thought was a throw-in in the deal that sent Kris Benson and he wife to the Orioles.

So there you go. May you enjoy the holiday, realize the many blessings in your life and look forward to the year ahead.

Cleaning up yet another Tom Verducci mess

Amazingly, Tom Verducci didn't think any of these guys were worthy of his "best players of today team."

I suppose the only thing more predictable than an outrageous Yankee-lovin’ column from Sports Illustrated hack Tom Verducci is a post from me expressing outrage over Yankee-lovin’ Verducci columns.

So for the sake of consistentcy, let’s dissect Verducci’s recent column where he picks today’s very best players at each position. He also picks the best of all-time and of the next five years and those are equally bad. But we only have so much time and energy to spend on Yankee-hacks.

Let’s get the obvious ones out of the way:

SS: Derek Jeter, Yankees. And Verducci’s rationalization: “His defense is slipping, but he is a consistent offensive force who will march well beyond 3,000 hits.”

His defense is slipping? The wax dummy of Jeter at Madam Tussauds has as much — if not more — range as the real Jeter. And the wax version can at least claim it didn’t (allegedly) give herpes to Jessica Alba, as the L.A. Rag Mag celebrity gossip site reported.

Heck, Jeter couldn’t claim five tools if he walked through Lowe’s with a gift card.

Let’s look at some facts:

Player A: .327 ave., 8 HR, 57 RBI, 75 runs, 12 steals
Player B: .303 ave., 9 HR, 47 RBI, 86 runs, 56 steals

Player A, of course, is the object of Verducci’s man-crush. Player B is our own Jose Reyes, who is clearly the better player. Yes, Jeter has more runs batted in, but he’s the DH league and has an actual batter getting on base ahead of him to drive home, as opposed to the pitcher.

Plus, Reyes is an excellent defender and appears to be disease-free.

Player Verducci should have picked: Reyes, of course.

3B: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees; “Best ever among a rare breed: a game-changing infielder.”

What Verducci is leaving out is that ARod has tried to change games by slapping the ball out of a first-baseman’s glove and shouting to distract at a third-baseman so he’d drop a pop-up, a move even his manager criticized.

I won’t deny that Arod hits an occasional homer. But the dude has accumulated enough baggage that the Skanks need a cargo jet to follow the team charter on road trips. This season alone we’ve had photos of him leaving adult establishments with ladies who did not appear to be his wife (Stray-Rod), and then his wife wearing t-shirts to Yankee Stadium emblazoned with an F-bomb (F-Rod). Jose Canseco has recently hinted that the source of Arod’s power might not be totally natural (A-Roid).

Then you have the on-going feud with the Blue Jays that led to bench-clearing brawls in a recent series and Roger Clemens getting suspended for throwing at a batter.

Player Verducci should have picked: David Wright. Wright hits for power, hits for average, is fast, is getting better in the field and is squeaky clean.

Closer: Marino Rivera, Yankees “His cutter is among the greatest pitches in history. When he's on, he's a one-pitch pitcher, but hitters still can't hit what they know is coming.”

Maybe, just maybe, this might have been justifiable in, say, 1998. But once people like Marco Scutaro start taking you deep, you can no longer make such claims. But Verducci also listed Rivera as the greatest closer of all time, which makes me think he has never heard of Dennis Eckersley and Rollie Fingers, closers who actually have things like Cy Young and MVP awards.

Player Verducci should have selected: Billy Wagner. Imagine, a closer who actually closes games.

C: Joe Mauer, Twins “Only 24, with a .316 lifetime average and .396 on-base percentage.”

You know it just killed Verducci not to pick Jorge Posada. I bet the SI editors forced him to throw some token non-Yankees on there so he could at least pretend he’s not biased. Mauer’s a nice player who probably should have won the AL MVP last year, which went to his teammate. But he seems to lack that fire a team needs in the on-field captain.

Who Verducci should have picked: Paul Lo Duca. Talk about fire! Did you see the absolutely crazed look in Paulie’s eyes when he got tossed back in July!

1B: Albert Pujols, Cardinals “Maybe the greatest start to a career in history: six straight seasons hitting .300 or better, with at least 30 homers, 100 RBIs, 100 runs and a top-four MVP finish.”

Greatest start to a career? Did he forget about Mike Vail’s 23-game hitting streak? All I know is that when the All-Star Game was on the line, Pujols’ own manager sent Aaron Rowland to the plate instead of Albert.

Who Verducci should have picked: Carlos Delgado. You know that if LaRussa had Delgado on the bench at the All-Star Game he would have called Rowland back. Carlos doesn’t even need to swing the bat to win a game. Remember his walk-off walk? That’s how good he is!


2B: Chase Utley, Phillies. “He's clearly the best second baseman in the game and getting better. His batting average has gone up four consecutive years.”

First of all, the dude’s name sounds like he would be in Neidermier’s frat in “Animal House,” and the last thing we need on the best-of-today team is some uptight preppy with easily breakable hands.

Who Verducci should have picked: Luis Castillo. How good is Castillo? In 2003, a Cubs fan had to make a choice. He could let Moises Alou catch a ball and send his beloved team to the World Series. Or, he could have a glorious piece of memorabilia, a foul ball hit by Luis Castillo. As we know, Mr. Bartman wanted that ball. And that speaks volumes about Luis Castillo.

OF: Manny Ramirez, Red Sox: “His power numbers may be down slightly this year, but he's still as pure a hitter as they come.”

Hey, we all know Manny is a hitting savant. But the guy is just plain nuts – look at the hair! – and fields even worse than Jeter. If the guy is so good, why did the Sox try to dump him to anyone who would pay his salary a few years ago. And take note, no one took him!

Who Verducci should have picked: Moises Alou. I’m not saying Alou isn’t somewhat injury prone. He misses a game or two or 30. But dude’s been a monster since returning from the DL.

OF: Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners: “A hit machine, his graceful, gliding style at bat, and in the field, is a pleasure to watch.”

Ichiro might be the luckiest All-Star Game MVP in history, reaping the rewards of the ball taking a funky hop off the outfield wall and rolling away from Ken Griffey Jr.

Who Verducci should have picked: Carlos Beltran. Beltran, when he does swing, also is a hit machine with a graceful, gliding style and is a pleasure to watch on the field. But unlike Ichiro, Beltran actually hits homers, setting the Mets franchise record last year.

OF: Vlad Guerrero, Angels: “He's the most dangerous offensive force in the game because he can hit absolutely anything and hit it hard. Guerrero is a great combination of power and hand-eye coordination.”

I guess Vlad is OK, But there must be a reason the Mets passed on him when he was a free agent.

Who Verducci should have picked: Matt Holliday, Rockies. You thought I was going to pick Shawn Green, didn’t you? Not a chance! Blindly picking players from my favorite team would make me no better than Verducci!

Rotation: Johan Santana, Twins; Roy Hallady, Blue Jays; Roy Oswalt, Astros; Jake Peavy, Padres; Justin Verlander, Tigers.

The Yankees rotation is so horrible that not even Verducci could justify picking one, though I bet his first draft had Clemens in the mix. Some of those guys are decent.

Who Verducci should have picked: I’ll grant him Santana as a decent pick. But he forgot Tom Glavine – you don’t pile up 300 wins stinking up the field – John Maine, Oliver Perez and El Duque.

Now that’s the best team of today! How Verducci draws a paycheck is a total mystery.

Tough times for Yanks? Take this quiz and find out!

A decade ago, Queen Elizabeth closed the year by recalling the assorted misdeeds of her children and their spouses and declared it an annis horribilis, which I believe is Latin for “crappy year.”

As the baseball season rolls into its mid-year celebration, we can only assume Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is preparing to make a similar declaration.

Not that that’s a bad thing.

I won’t say that we here at Mets Guy openly rejoice when the tormentors in the Bronx stumble on hard times. But we do take of note of them – to reflect upon on those days when Kaz Bleeping Matsui goes 5-for-5 against his former team.

Now it is your turn to show how much you’ve been paying attention. Here is your Mid-Year Yankee Turmoil Quiz, and we can only hope it becomes an annual event.

1) The Yankees have spent the last decade or so declaring centerfielder Bernie Williams to be the second coming of Joe DiMaggio. Williams, known as “The Classy Yankee, if there can be such a thing,” appeared to have lost a step or two or five in the last couple seasons. The Yankees:

A) Told Williams they always have a place for their legends and welcomed him back with open arms and allow him to leave the game on his own terms.
B) Announced plans for “Bernie Williams Day” where they would unveil his plaque for Memorial Park and retire No. 51.
C) Announced his return in a dramatic seventh-inning appearance, where homer/announcer Suzyn Waldman shrieked “BERNIE WILLIAMS IS IN GEORGE STEINBRENNER’S BOX!!!”
D) Informed their legend that he was welcome to report to spring training -- but only with a minor league contract as a non-roster invitee and no guaranteed spot on the team.

2) Yankee captain/hype machine Derek F. Jeter was mum last year when fans were riding star/rival Alex Rodriguez, and when Jeter’s leadership was questioned he said, "The only thing I'm not going to do is tell the fans what to do. ... I don't think it's my job to tell fans to boo or not to boo." ARod in spring training gathered reporters together to say:

A) He respects Jeter's quiet leadership.
B) He’s sure Jeter supports him, but has trouble showing it.
C) Thinks Jeter is absolutely as wonderful as Tom Verducci says he is. Every day.
D) Announced that he and Jeter are no longer friends but will get along on the field.

3) Losing to the rival Red Sox in the sweepstakes for Japanese sensation Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Yankees signed a Japanese pitcher of their own, Kei Igawa, to a 5-year, $20 million contract. Six weeks into the season, the Yankees:

A) Praised their scouts for plucking an unknown star from the Japan League.
B) Declared Igawa the team’s best signing since Carl Pavano
C) Shipped his greasy butt down to play for the Tampa Yankees for putrid performance, where Igawa became the highest-paid player in the history of Single-A baseball.

4) Back to ARod. Family man Mr. Rodriguez was captured by New York Post photographers in Totonto:

A) Stopping his limo by the side of the road to help an old lady change a flat tire, prompting the Post to declare him “Good SamRod.”
B) Stopping into Toronto Memorial Hospital to see if there was anyone in need of a kidney transplant because, gosh, he’s got two and Derek won’t be needing it, prompting the Post to declare him “SaintRod.”
C) Rushing to the Phanages Theater when he heard that both the lead and the understudy had called in sick, yelling “The show must go on!” and landing on stage just in time to sing “Music of the Night,” prompting the Post to declare him “Phantom of the OpRod.”
D) Appearing with a blonde who did not seem to be Mrs. Rodriguez entering an establishment where ladies seem to have a hard time staying dressed, prompting the Post to declare him “StrayRod.”

5) Slugger Jason Giambi, whose power numbers seem to decline after he lost a lot of weight and was the subject of leaked grand jury testimony in the infamous BALCO performance-enhancing drug case, decided to cleanse his soul to USA Today, where he said:

A) “I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m deeply sorry that I didn’t have more respect for the game and the fans."
B) "I don’t deserve the 7-year, $120 million contract the Yankees gave me because of my inflated statistics. I intend to use some of that money to help former players who have fallen on hard times and perhaps were squeezed from the game because they refused to use performance-enhancing drugs. And I will fully cooperate with Major League Baseball’s investigation into steroid use.”
C) "That stuff didn't help me hit home runs. I don't care what people say, nothing is going to give you that gift of hitting a baseball."

6) The Yankees lured Roger Clemens away from Houston with a $28 million contact and a strange announcement that as sullied the aforementioned Ms. Waldman’s reputation. “The Rocket” since returning:

A) Has generated nothing but warmth and compassion from fans in both Houston and Boston, the two teams with sentimental connections to Clemens.
B) Performed so well that the team doesn’t want to wait for his eventual retirement to add his plaque to Memorial Park in the spot once reserved for Bernie Williams.
C) Produced an unspectacular 2-3 record with a 4.26 ERA -- and a loss to the Mets -- becoming the most expensive middle-reliever ever and was ridiculed by people at the typically Yankee-loving Sports Illustrated by being branded one of the year’s “high-priced busts.”

7) Speaking of middle relievers, Scott Proctor decides to cleanse the team of its struggles by burning his equipment on the gravel near the field. Such equipment is often in demand from baseball card companies that slice it into pieces and attach them onto cards that are inserted into packs. In this case, card companies likely said:

A) What a shame. Yankee fans are denied a chance to own a slice of game-used memorabilia.
B) Too bad. Many teams auction game-used memorabilia and give the proceeds to charity.
C) Who is Scott Proctor?

8) Back to ARod again! Cynthia Rodriguez shows up in the section of the stands reserved for players’ wives, wear a shirt that says:
A) “I love Alex,” prompting the New York Post to declare him “Snuggle BunnyRod.”
B) “37 14 41 42” on the front and www.faithandfear.blogharbor.com on the back, prompting the Post to declare him “Well-ReadRod” and praising his wife for her fine taste in blogs and T-shirts.
C) “F--- You,” only without the dashes, apparently violating a Yankee Stadium policy about profanity, prompting the Post to declare him “F-Rod.”

Naturally, you realize that the final answer in each question is the correct one.

Wow. So it’s been a pretty eventual year in the Bronx. And the most beautiful thing? The season is only half-over!

In other words:

If you like funny baseball quizes, the friends at Yes, Joe. It's Toasted are the masters! Give them a read!

The Hallmark curse is real, keep D-Wright off my Christmas tree

Hallmark will probably announce its choice for this year’s baseball ornament, and I’m crossing my fingers it won’t be Carlos Beltran, David Wright or Jose Reyes.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see any of our stars dangling from an evergreen branch on my baseball room Christmas tree.

But as I pointed out last year, the award is cursed. Almost everyone depicted has seen their careers go down in flames shortly after Hallmark unveiled their pose in plastic.

Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Ken Griffey Jr. – all of them fell to pieces or suddenly came under an unsavory cloud.

Not even the dead were safe. The Ted Williams ornament was announced, and next thing we knew the Splendid Splinter’s presumed temporary resting place in the only cold place in Arizona was revealed and all kinds of controversy broke out.

Last summer I predicted Alex Rodriguez was doomed after Hallmark offered him up. Let’s see if the curse held true:

-- The former steady fielder soon could have been called ClankRod after an ugly spate of errors.

-- He got called out in the press by Jason Giambi for his lack of leadership and performance. That’s like being criticized by Ashlee Simpson for lip-synching. Nevertheless, Alex’s teammates and manager didn’t exactly come to his defense.

-- He slipped into a prolonged batting slump that became so bad that Manager Joe Torre batted him eighth in some post-season games. That’s probably the first time a reigning Most Valuable Player viewed the scenery from that far down in the line-up, but it earned him a neat new nickname: 8-Rod.

-- In the off-season it was revealed that 8-Rod might actually use an escape clause to get out of his record-setting contract after the season just to get the heck away from the Bronx. There’s something like $80 million left on the table he could potentially walk away from to sign with a team that might not bat him eighth.

-- During spring training Alex felt the need to announce that he and Derek F. Jeter aren’t best buddies. Now, there’s no shame in that. We’re talking about Derek F. Jeter here. Thank goodness he has some standards. But players typically don’t hold press conferences to tell which teammates they consider friends and the Jeter-lovin’ Yankee apologists that pass for the New York media pounced.

-- Rodriguez has a monster April. Sadly or him, the calendar flipped and then MayRod slipped back to Earth and he could no longer carry the gimpy, elderly Yankees on his back. The team slipped to sections of the AL East standings typically reserved for teams with bad names and bad uniforms like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

-- Alex decides he's in Little League again, and as a Blue Jay player went after a pop-up, the highest-paid player in baseball yelled, "Ha!" or "Got it!" or "Jeter is over-rated," depending on who you want to believe, to distract the player. The Jays were ticked, and Manager Joe Torre yet again didn't quite come to his star's defense.

-- Then last week happened. Alex might have been a slumper, a clanker and a whiner, but he’s always been squeaky clean. Then the New York Post trailed him leaving assorted establishments in Toronto with a young lady who didn’t appear to be Mrs. 8-Rod.

This might have been a family friend, a relative, Yankees front office employee, Ontario Province tour guide, pizza delivery person, body guard…we don’t know. But Alex’s response was “I don’t comment on my personal life.” That non-denial prompted the Post to bestow a new nickname: StrayRod.

Now, I don’t care who Alex spends his time with and one can debate whether it was proper for the Post to have photogs tracking ballplayers away from the stadium. But it’s safe to say it’s not the kind of attention an image-conscious ballplayer wants to attract.

In short, since Hallmark released the ARod ornament his career and life has crashed and burned.

So David, Jose and Carlos: Don’t return a phone call to anybody from Hallmark!


My past as wall art

My son’s exploration into classic rock continues.

I came across my old concert tourbooks while cleaning out the basement and thought my 14-year-old might want to check them out since he’s been filling his iPod with rock from the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s.

Then I saw him measuring an AC/DC book and found out he was liked it so much he wanted to look for a frame to hang it on his wall.

Heck, they make frames for album covers, and they were on sale this week. So we headed back into the basement and pulled out the boxes of LPs not seen since we bought a CD player years ago.

I told him he could pick what he wanted, and I would not try to influence him. It was fun pulling out the colorful old sleeves, each one a memory. And we pretended the Wham! album wasn’t there.

Here’s the six he picked:

1) Moving Pictures, Rush. Probably my favorite album cover, which just happens to be on my favorite album. I used lyrics from “Tom Sawyer” on my campaign posters when I ran for treasurer in my junior year. Neat play on words, too, with the front showing workers moving pictures into a museum, and the back showing a film crew making a motion picture of the activity.

2) Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin. The first Zep disc of course has the famous shot of the exploding Hindenberg. Aircraft disasters aren’t my idea of wall art, but I can’t deny the album is classic. It’s also a reminder that bad things happen in New Jersey.

3) Rocket to Russia, Ramones. The first and third Ramones album covers are pretty much identical, with a black and white photo of the band in all of its ripped-jean, leather jacketed glory. He’s been wearing my already ragged Ramones t-shirt for about a year, so I wasn’t surprised by this choice.

4) Ghost in the Machine, The Police. This was a surprise, since I know he’s been listening to “Message in a Bottle” from Regatta de Blanc, and I thought he’d pick that one. Regatta has a better cover, too, but he seemed to like this one better.


5) Paranoid, Black Sabbath. So ugly, so 1970s. And so confusing, too, with a blurry, cartoonish warrior jumping out of the woods at night. I recently read that the band wanted to name the album, “War Pigs” after one of the other songs, and that would make a little more sense. But it’s not like a lot of things related to Sabbath make too much sense. I noticed that the title song is rapidly moving up the play count ranking on iTunes and I’m not playing it.

6) For Those About to Rock, AC/DC. The band’s follow-up to Back in Black was not especially strong, but my son liked the copper-colored cover with the cannon. Probably his weakest selection, but then again he didn’t have to purge the memory of the Madison Square Garden concert and Angus Young’s extended solo and mooning.

I kept my promise not to push any personal favorites, though I did offer up “The Wall,” and Twisted Sister’s “Come Out and Play” only to be rejected. And I didn’t even try to suggest “Destroyer” or “Rock and Roll Over,” two absolute classics!

Thank you, Mike!

You'll notice some changes in the format. I finally figured out how to best use to awesome logo designed for me by my friend Mike at Tales of a Transplanted Mets Fan. What you're seeing is downtwown Grand Rapids, with the tall building being the Amway Grand Plaza Hotel. And of course, Shea Stadium.

Postseason scares on Friday 13th

As I’m sure you know, it’s Friday the 13th.

I used to like those movies when I was younger. I have no idea why. I guess any homicidal maniac who wears sporting equipment was OK. And he was far better than the other big baddie at the time, Freddy Krueger, who ran out of puns somewhere in the middle of the first film and seemed to go on for about a half-dozen more.

So I guess it’s a day where we’re supposed to be thinking about scary things. And so far this postseason we have seen some scary, scary things.

Let’s review the top 10 scary things so far:

1) That red thing on Scott Spiezio’s chin. If you’re going to grow a beard, then grow a beard. But that thing looks like a ponytail growing out of his lower lip. Is that some kind of hazing prank?

2) Fox announcers. I realize that Joe Buck’s dad is an all-time great Cardinals announcer. But it seems like he’s leaning way too far toward the Cards than an objective announcer is supposed to. I’m not saying he’s bordering on Klapisch-esque Yankee homerism, but I thought the guy was gonna break out in tears after Beltran launched that blast a third of the way up the scoreboard in Game One.

3) The Oakland Athletics. Do the A’s plan to show up at some point? After they ripped through the Twins, I thought they’d beat up the Tigers and we’d be looking at 1973 Part II without the benefit of having Willie Mays. Instead they’re tossing the ball around and need to go Red Sox v Skanks ‘04 if they want to stick around.

4) Kenny Bleeping Rogers is pitching like a man possessed -- seven years too late to do us any good. He’s due for a meltdown.

5) High school football. I had to run out to pick up my son Friday night, and I was thinking, "OK, I can listen to the game on the radio on the way there and back and not miss much. I got in the car and punched up the local sports radio station, and instead of Major League Baseball playoffs they’ve got a high school football game with announcers getting waaaaay too excited. I punched in a couple other sports stations, and it was the same thing -- but with broadcasters not mainlining Red Bull. What the heck? High school football is big out here. Not like Texas or anything, but there are people here who tailgate before games. Being a New Yorker living here is difficult sometimes.

6) NLCS umpiring. How come when the Mets are up, the umpires are suddenly calling strikes like they’ve got a date with Rachel Ray after the game?

7) Arod’s incident with the jet sliding off the runway. Not for nothing, but next time I board a plane I’m going to stand up and say "Attention please, are there any members of the New York Yankees on this aircraft?" If so, I am so outta there.

8) Snow. We expect snow here in Michigan. Some people even like it. I must say I don’t mind it in December. Sadly, we get it from November to April. And there is no way I want to wake up in the at the start of the league championship series and see an inch of snow on my lawn. We still have green leaves on some trees, for goodness sake.

9) A hot tub in Vegas, baby! The Verizon ad was funny the first time, and maybe even the 30th time. But by airing No. 325 I openly hate it. If I didn’t have cool David Wright wall paper on my Verizon phone I’d start a boycott.

10) Steve "Psycho" Lyons making fun of blind people. And this guy was traded for Tom Seaver?

Post-games scares:

OK, the Wagner meltdown hurt. But remember we had won eight in a row until last night and you're going to drop one once in a while. We're still going to win this.

Tigers, Yankees, pie and the spectacle

Remember the scene in “Stand By Me” where Gordie is sitting around the campfire and tells the story about the pie-eating contest?

The thumbnail version is that the overweight, picked-on kid enters the contest and plots his revenge against the town by downing a whole bottle of castor oil just before the event, eats the pies then hurls all over the place. As the smell of the vomit wafts through people in the crowd, they, too, start hurling all over everyone and everything.

As this is happening, the picked-on kid stands on the stage, proudly surveying the chaos he has created.

Friends, I submit to you that the Detroit Tigers are “Lard Ass” Hogan.

In the wake of their improbable triumph over the Evil Empire, the Tigers have unleashed chaos and despair over all things Yankee.

It’s a beautiful thing. Let’s chronicle the events since that fateful Saturday night.

1) There are rumblings that Yankee skipper Joe Torre will be packing his bags. I guess nine straight first-place finishes and six trips to the World Series are not enough to keep your job.

And when you think about it, this should polish off Torre as a manger. How can he go somewhere else with his reputation intact? It’s not like any team searching for a manager is ready to contend, unless you put a lot of faith in the “Sack Showalter, Soar to the Series” theory.

So wherever Torre lands next, when he finishes anywhere other than first place, people will say, “See, he can’t win without a $200 million payroll. A trained chimp or Don Zimmer could have manager to the playoffs.”

2) If No. 1 is true, then reports are that Yankee retread Lou Piniella will take over. Oh yeah, that’s what they need, a guy last seen bailing from the Devil Rays, right after bailing on the Mariners.

Anybody care to speculate how fiery Lou’s tantrums will go over in a Yankee clubhouse allegedly stocked by corporate executive types?

If Lou couldn’t motivate a bunch of juvenile Devil Rays, what makes anyone think players like Jorge Posada and Derek F. Jeter will do anything but chuckle when Piniella goes into his “Throw the Base” routines?

3) One of the arguments in favor of Lou is that he’s had success with Alex Rodriguez in Seattle. That may be true, except the universal consensus is that 8-Rod, too, is headed out of town.

Alex, of course, got lose with the “I sucked” comments while Tigers players were pouring champagne on Michigan State Police troopers’ hats.

Now, I’m not saying Alex is wrong. The stats don’t lie. He did suck, and for $25 million he could have mixed in an occasional base hit.

But the truth is that signs point to Rodriguez being banished even before his clubhouse confessional.

You don’t bat the reigning MVP eighth in a win-or-go-home game unless you are trying to make a statement. You also don’t sign off on Yankee hacks writing damning articles in Sports Illustrated the week before the playoffs unless you are trying to tell someone they are not wanted.

Heck, if the series had gone one more game, Rodriguez probably would have been assigned to the ground crew or being the bat boy.

Don’t blame this all on Torre. I don’t believe for a minute that any of those things could have happened without the higher-ups signing off. Maybe they even ordered the hit.

4) Speaking of ARod, the New York Daily News looked to bump it’s circulation among Mets fans by posting this headline on the back page on Tuesday: “Blame Jeter.”

I have no problem for that. I blame Jeter for everything from gas prices to the Blue Jays’ horrid uniform. But the News actually tried to back up their allegations with facts.

Jeter, the apparent pick among AL beat writers to take home an underserved MVP, got toasted for being a rather lame team captain and not defending ARod when he was getting pounded on all season, allowing the situation to snowball to the point that Rodriguez was a quivering pile of pinstriped pooh once the postseason rolled around.

It’s a major event when the fawning New York media implies that Jeter had a day that wasn’t quite as glorious as the day he is entitled to for all his greatness. To see these guys actually state that St. F. Jeter has a fault is just shocking. I’m sure apologists like Klapisch and Verducci will strike back in full rage during the next few days, possibly even picketing outside the News’ headquarters.

No doubt all of this was fueled by the Mets’ chipping their way past the Dodgers on the same day. I’m not a Newsday fan, but the “Sweep and Weep” headline was possibly the best ever.

When all this shakes out, here’s what I expect to see happen.

1) Torre is indeed fired, takes his $7 million contract and spend the year making occasional visits to the Baseball Tonight studios where he can join Steve Phillips in second-guessing his former employers.

2) Piniella takes over, throws a fit when Bobby Abreu goes only 3 for 4 in a game against the Red Sox, overturns the clubhouse spread and is stunned when Mariano Rivera shows no emotion when a piece of fried chicken bounces off his forehead. Silly Lou, cyborgs don’t show emotion.

3) After a year of meltdowns and a second-place finish behind the Red Sox, Der Boss decides that the Yankees need a more calming presence and rehires Joe Torre.

4) Alex Rodriguez is traded to the Los Angeles Angels for a Rally Monkey and Dean Chance, who despite being long retired is still younger than Randy Johnson, and Donnie Moore, who despite being, well, dead, is more useful to the team than Carl Pavano. The Yankees agree to pay whatever part of ARod’s $25 million contract that the Rangers aren’t paying.

5) ARod regains his form and is sent to Red Sox at the trading deadline for Manny Rameriz, Mike Lowell and Roger Clemens, who came out of retirement a week prior to the deal. Rodriguez, who does not bat eighth, goes on an eight-week power binge. In an important game against the Yanks, ARod strides to the plate to face Mo Rivera with the bases loaded and promptly clanks one off the Ruth monument. Jeter trips him as he trots past, prompting Verducci to write “Classless ARod tries to pass through Derek’s personal space.” Rivera shows no emotion because cyborgs don’t show emotion.

Remember, you read it here first!

Christmas in July: ARod is cursed

ARod’s toast.

As if the booing, the flopping in the playoffs, the shirtless activity in Central Park weren’t enough. Now the Yankee’s third-baseman is facing the curse.

I was almost giddy when I learned this week that Hallmark has selected ARod to be this year’s baseball player ornament.

First, it was $15 that I didn’t have to spend, because there’s now way I’m going to put a Yankee on my Christmas tree.

But the other reality is that the vast majority of the players tapped by Hallmark for ornaments in its “Day at the Ballpark” series have suffered mightily.

I have about 25 baseball ornaments. Long-time readers know what that’s code for. Truth is my baseball ornaments were taking over the family Christmas tree. One year my wife decided to get them out of sight by buying me a small artificial tree for the baseball room in the basement.

And at first it was pretty cool that Hallmark made reasonably realistic-looking ornaments of players that are about the size of the old Starting Lineup figures.

Then I started seeing a disturbing trend. Here are the players and the events that followed, most of them bad. I think there's a curse. Decide for yourself.

1996: Nolan Ryan

The series started out with Ryan, a safe, reasonable choice. But there was an obvious faux pas. The ornament depicted The Express as a Ranger, where he is best remembered for giving Robin Ventura noogies, instead of with the Mets, where he won his only championship.

1997: Hank Aaron

Also safe. Who wouldn’t want Hammering Hank ushering in the holidays? I hang this one front and center on my tree.

1998: Cal Ripken Jr.

And here’s where the curse kicks in. The Iron Man, of course, set the consecutive games record several years before this ornament was released. The next season? Ripken goes from playing in 161 games in 1998 to just 86 in 1999.

1999: Ken Griffey Jr.

It was hard not to love Junior in his Mariners days. Sadly, two months after Christmas, Junior browbeat the M’s into shipping him to the Cincinnati Reds.


2000: Ken Griffey Jr.

After the whole trade debacle, Hallmark asked for a mulligan and issued another Griffey ornament. It was actually the same pose, but with a new paint job. A bad one, in fact. It showed a solid red jersey with only a sleeve patch to indicate it was in fact a Reds uniform. And, of course, Junior has never been the same.

2000 Mark McGwire

This was he first two-ornament year. Hey, why mess with one player’s career when you can trash two? McGwire was hurt for much of 2000, but still hit .305 with 32 jacks and was rewarded with an ornament. The next season a broken-down Mac gimped with a .187 stick and 29 homers and four years later showed up before Congress all weepy and looking like a deflated balloon from the Macy’s parade.

2001 Mickey Mantle

After the double jinx of 2000, Hallmark played it safe by picking a player whose career couldn’t possibly be hurt. Heck, they picked a player who’s life couldn’t be ravaged by the curse – one who was dead for six years. Not that it appears on my tree.

2001 Sammy Sosa

Sammy hit 64 homers in 2001, and then showed up on Christmas trees. He had one more decent season before going from King of the Windy City to corking bats, ticking off teammates and getting run out of town. Next thing you know, Sammy, who seemed to speak English well enough in his assorted television ads, needed a translator to say practically nothing when hauled before Congress.

2002 George Brett

Brett, a clean-cut and respected guy, was already in the Hall of Fame when Hallmark decided to test the curse and make him an ornament. Truth be told, a guy like Brett was needed to off-set the horrible karma from the other guy selected for that year.

2002 Derek F. Jeter

Derek “Bleeping” Jeter. Why would somebody want this over-rated slacker on their Christmas tree? Hello? The holidays are supposed to be a happy time. How am I supposed to be wishing people peace on Earth and goodwill toward man with Mister Freaking Yankee dangling from an evergreen branch? Bad move. I refused to buy this one. I don’t put Yankees on my tree. On the plus side, Jeter has been cursed and the Yankees have not won a World Series since Hallmark cast him in plastic.

2003 Ted Williams

After the whole Jeter fiasco, Hallmark must have decided that it needed to salvage the whole line of ornaments. And why not the Splendid Splinter? He was one of the best players of all time, though a little crusty in his later years. And he had died the year before, so there was nothing embarrassing that could happen. Except, of course, when it was revealed that his goofy son talked Dad into lopping off his head and freezing his body after death, and having the rest of the family going to court to reclaim the body.

2003 Jason Giambi

Oh, if that wasn’t enough, the second guy selected was soon to be linked to a steroid scandal. Did Hallmark learn from Jeter? Apparently not. Look, when you dance with the Yankees, bad things are going to happen.

2004 Willie Mays

Ahhh. Here we go. The Say Hey Kid. No ‘roids, no goofy family members. It’s all good. Except, of course, that the former Met is for some reason depicted as playing for some other team.

2004 Barry Bonds

Well, Barry’s life pretty much went to hell after Hallmark dropped this baby. He barely played the season after the ornament was released, and we all know what’s happened since. Hmmm. With Bonds, Sosa, Giambi and McGwire, you could have a little theme tree working.

2005 Albert Pujols

I thought Hallmark was starting to learn from its past mistakes, and picked a squeaky clean player from a great baseball city. And Albert looked like he was going to survive until going down earlier this season for three weeks. He’s bouncing back nicely, a valiant effort to break the curse.

2006 Alex Rodriguez

Needless to say, I won’t be buying this one. But I wasn’t sad to see him selected knowing the carnage that is to follow. It was kind of like, well, a Christmas present in July.

Now if we can only stop Hallmark from discovering David Wright, we'll be in good shape.

Let's help the Yankees find some new songs

Not only do the Yankees and their apologists in the media think they are entitled to all the best players, now they are apparently claiming the best songs, too.

Withness this tantrum from WFAN's Mike Francesa after new Mets closer Billy Wagner dared to enter the game accompanied by Metallica's "Enter Sandman." Wagner's been using the song for years. But Mike, the radio version of Bob Klapisch and Tom Verducci, thinks it's off-limits because, gasp! Yankee closer/cyborg Mariano Rivera's been using it.

"I don't care if Billy Wagner did it in Houston and did it in Philly. Nobody knew he did it. The Mets announcers didn't know it. No one in the stadium knew this was his song. Nobody in America knew this was his song. I know he has a relationship with Metallica, but i don't care if he grew up and he was in the band. When you come to this town you cannot co-opt something, now that you're a Met sometimes you're gonna have to do a little changing, because you're coming to a town where a guy has turned that song into an event. Point is, at Yankee Stadium this is a huge deal, this is symbolic, it's known around baseball that this is a big deal. You can'tco-opt it. It's lame. Find something else."

I didn't hear this personally, but it was posted on my Mets listserv, and people there swear it's true. Apparently Mike was serious. Because you know, closer entrance songs are a big deal. Whatever.

Somebody go and get Mike a paper bag to breathe into. Meanwhile, I've taken the liberty of making sure this crisis doesn't happen again. I've found songs that assorted Yankee players can play when they take the mound or come to the plate.

“That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd: Jason Giambi
Yup, that would be the smell of shame, a smell that Giambi knows well. This is a guy who came back from spring training a year ago and lost a bunch of weight, coincidently after he testified before a grand jury about steroid use. But Jason told us yoga – not a forced de-juicing – made him so slender.

“American Idiot” by Green Day: Gary Sheffield
Gary’s another guy linked to the steroid scandal. He said he took the stuff, but he thought he was taking flaxseed oil. Idiot.

“Money (That’s What I want)” by the Flying Lizards: Alex Rodriguez
Alex left a very solid Seattle Mariners team for the off-the-radar Texas Rangers for 225 million reasons. Then Alex had the stones to complain that the team lost early and often. Of course, the mid-market Rangers had to skim the waiver wire for players because they were playing one guy $25 million a year. Can you guess who that guy was? Alex showed his appreciation by demanding a trade.

“Dude (Looks Like A Lady)” by Aerosmith: Derek Jeter
I don’t think we need to explain this one too much.

“Money Changes Everything” by Cyndi Lauper: Johnny Damon
Here is another guy chasing the bucks. But unlike SlapRod, Damon sold his soul by going from the Red Sox, where he was adored by the Chowds, to the devil.

“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” By Elton John: Bernie Williams
OK, I realize as far as Yankees go, Bernie’s a classy guy. But Bern, it’s over. You were overrated to begin with, and now you lost your job to a traitor.

“Hound Dog” By Elvis Presley: Jorge Posada
I realize Jorge can’t help the way he looks. But he might be the ugliest player in baseball in the post-Willie McGee era. Dude is homely, and breaking his beak at the end of spring training isn’t going to help. Good thing he wears a mask on the field.

“Fool on the Hill” by the Beatles: Randy Johnson
The Unit used to be cool. Now he’s a he’s a photographer-bashing jerk. Kenny Rogers roughed up a shooter and was suspended and booed at the All-Star Game just for showing up. Unit did pretty much the same thing on his way to a physical and all we got is a lame forced apology? Fool. Sorry Kenny, the rules are different for Yankees.

“What Have I Done to Deserve This?” by the Pet Shop Boys: Carl Pavano
Pavano had a career year, got lured to the Skanks and promptly blew out his arm. It’s karma, Carl. You should have stayed with the Fish. Well, they would have traded you last season anyway, but at least you’d still have your pride.

OK now, Mets. Don't take these songs! We don't want Mike and the Mad Dog to get all worked up.

The best part of his little tantrum was the notion that America didn't know that Wagner used the song, but of course all the nation knows that Rivera used it because, well, he's a Yankee and everybody follows them. Typical arrogance.

The best part was that this tirade came after the Skanks beat the daylights out of Oakland in the first game of the season. You'd think the Yankee apologists would be enjoying the moment. Instead, they're getting all hot and bothered about what's playing on the Shea PA system.

Guess we're winning.