Thank you, 2010

Dear 2010:

I really really couldn't have imagined what you would mean to me. Especially considering the state of my heart when we first met. But, honestly, you were exactly who you said you were. And I thank you for that.

You helped me think of myself as a runner (and now I am one!)

You helped me celebrate my bithday with my really best self. Loved it.

You helped me get honest about my life. Which actually prepared me for some really important changes.

You helped me see my name is courage. And it has been. All. Year.

You helped me meet Riley. And a hundreds of other girls. Oh, I needed them.

You helped me finish the book...one of the things I felt I was born to do. We almost didn't get it done. But, you came through.

You helped me want to fly, when all the other times, I worried I would fall. But this time, I flew.

And then, oh then, 2010, you helped me do the thing I thought I could not do. How you pulled that off, I'll never know.

From the bottom of my little heart,
THANK YOU.

I feel like I'm barely a reflection of the girl I was when we first met.
Sometimes I hardly recognize myself.
But you recognize me, don't you?
Of course you do.
You knew all along how this would all play out.
Of course you did.
(Thanks for that too.)

xoxo,
L

The real gratitude, of course, is to my Father in Heaven. He is really the one behind my 2010. And He's been there all along.

aunt laurel

I never planned to be "the favorite aunt"
because you typically get that title when you're the "single aunt"
and I never really planned on that.

But, for now, that's where I'm at.

And if the Lord needed me to be single for a season (because I actually believe He did...not forever though...let's be clear...but for a season), I assume He needed me to take the role of "aunt laurel" very seriously (and that part IS forever).
And I do.
Take it seriously. I mean.

I love these kids.
They are the source of so many good things that come in and out of my little heart.
And I'm grateful for siblings who share their children with that heart of mine...my mother heart.

I got to be with my family for a 48-hour Christmas (as a surprise...how fun is that?). It was delightful and much-needed and a blessing in many ways.

Sure, it was great to be with my parents and have my surprise appearance make them cry (because really...how fun is that?)

And sure it was great to see my siblings and have my brother David jump out of a closet and scare the living day lights out of me the first night (because really...how fun is that?)

But mostly, it was great because I give and get a whole lotta love from these kiddos:

(okay, so these kids aren't so much "kiddos" anymore. Isaac (15) and Hannah (13). Too tall. Too old. Too cool.)

(This is what "good-bye" looks like with my brothers kiddos. And I love it.)

Sometimes I think being aunt laurel is like the best job on the planet.
I get to just love them.
Without any of the responsibility.
Just love.

And though someday, I want to try my hand at the responsiblity part too, for now...
well, for now...
the Lord lets me be aunt laurel.

Keeping Christmas

I've been so caught up on the latest journey in my life, it's hard to believe it really is Christmas time. And when I think about where I was this time last year, well...I'm grateful for the reminder that God really does always know what's best...and that we can trust good things are around the corner.

So, because I was caught up in the latest journey, I was grateful for the opportunity to speak in Church today and get focused on Christmas. I based my message on this little gem found from the classic by Charles Dickens, A CHRISTMAS CAROL:

Fred: Uncle!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Nephew! Keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.
Fred: But you don't keep it!
Ebenezer Scrooge: Let me leave it alone, then. Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you!
Fred: There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say, Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round - apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that - as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!

So, the invitation to you...to me...
find someone IN YOUR LIFE this week...
not a stranger, but someone in your family or in your circle...
someone who could use a little more kindess, a little more forgiveness, a little more charity, a little more pleasantness.
Open you "shut up heart freely".
Write a note
Make a phone call
Have a conversation
Do SOMETHING that will help you KEEP CHRISTMAS by sharing to true spirit of this miraculous time of year.

Here's to a Merry Keeping Christmas!
xoxo

FAQ Part 2...and an invitation

I totally love and appreciate how interested some of you are in this new journey of mine. It just makes me all the more excited. And here are answers to more of the questions:

Will you share the details of your current plan? Like what do you eat and what is your daily work out schedule like?
Since I am not traveling for work right now, I have chosen to take advantage of a more "normal" schedule and be a little more aggressive in my quest for the next few months. So, I'm counting calories (all 1400 of them every day). No food is off limites and I don't have any "rules". But, I care much more about each of those calories and need to make sure they really count (i.e. give my body the fuel it needs). So, I'm eating lots of whole foods, lots of yummy soups, lean proteins, veggies, etc. and I'm trying not to ever drink my calories (and for a milk drinker, that's a pretty big change).

As for working out, I've committed to burn 800 calories a day (M-F) which requires at least one 1-hour session of intense cardio. I'm trying to do two. That's not easy or always realistic. So, Saturday is my "make up" day. I basically follow a lot of the workouts we did at the Resort and I also joined a gym (so I don't get totally tired of my treadmill and free weights at home). I never do the same thing everyday and that helps keep it interesting.

What is the difference between the Body Bugg and the Polar Watch you have?
There are a couple of differences.
BB has an armband. PW has a discreet band that goes around your chest.
BB has a slick way to calculate your calories in. PW does not.
BB however requires you to go online and download things and pay a monthly subscription. PW does not.
Bottomline, I didn't need all the "bells and whistles" of the Body Bugg. And I really love my Polar Watch.

How much does Fitness Ridge cost?
Rates are listed here for the Ivins location (Malibu is a little more).

Do we still get a discount if we only go one week?
Yes. The $100 off is for one week or 10 weeks. Either way, it's just $100 off.

What did you learn that is helping you stay motivated?
The answer might seem simple and borderline cheesy. But it's all true.
a.) I am worth it
b.) "Because I can"
c.) I'm done being the one thing standing in my way.

How can I overcome the feelings that I can't do this?
This is key. I personally had to make a conscious decision that I would choose to believe that I could do this (something I've been working on for a year). And then? I had to just start doing it. Everyday you actually "do the thing you think you cannot do" chips away at the belief that you cannot do that thing. This is a truth I now know to my core.

Can we meet for dinner and talk?
I would love to say "yes" but since I'm great at overcommitting myself, let's try this instead (here is the "invitation" part of this post and this might be crazy but it also might be really fun):

If you would like to come hear more about Fitness Ridge, what I learned, where my heart and head are now and what I'm currently doing, you are cordially invited to a little gathering at my home on TUESDAY, JANUARY 4th 7pm-9pm. I'll answer questions, we'll talk and I'll even share samples from yummy recipes I got while I was there. How fun, eh?

This gathering will need to be limited to just six women. If you'd like to come, email me at laurelDOTchristensenATgmailDOTcom. Include a little info about yourself if we don't know each other (just so I can confirm you're not a crazy person...grin). I'll reply with more details.

And then someday soon, I'll blog about something else.
Promise.

FAQ

Lots of questions about the past two weeks.
Here is my attempt to answer them.

HOW MUCH WEIGHT DID YOU LOSE?
First, let me say that this was NOT about the numbers for me. I told myself that going in. And the more I experienced the more I knew it was true. If I could have chosen to have my head change and only lose 2 lbs or lose 25 lbs but not have my head change, I would have chosen the 2 lbs. That being said, the number on the scale is a measuring stick and I was grateful for the jumpstart on this journey (in other words, from Nov. 28th - Dec. 12th I lost 12 lbs.)

WHAT WAS A TYPICAL DAY LIKE?
6am........optional yoga/pilates/stretching class
7am........breakfast
8am........leave for hike
11am.......return from hike
11:15am....cardio class
12:30pm....lunch
1:15pm.....lecture
2:30pm.....cardio class
3:30pm.....cardio class
4:30pm.....cardio class
5:30pm.....dinner
6:15pm.....lecture

HOW WAS THE FOOD?
Amazing. 1200 deliciously whole and clean calories. I had no idea that I could be so satisfied from so little food. But, that's what happens when you eat FOOD and not "STUFF". Food fuels your body. Stuff never will.

The chef trained with Wolfgang Puck and I bought the cookbooks and have already enjoyed several recipes. I'll share some if you're interested.

WERE YOU EVER HUNGRY?
The first two days, I definitely felt hunger. And then right before each meal, I was ready to eat. But, I was satisfied and it felt good to actually know how I felt before and after a meal. I was never stuffed. That felt best of all.

DID YOU EVER THINK YOU WERE GOING TO DIE?
Yes, actually. A couple of times. But, I didn't. Yay me.

WHAT WERE THE OTHER GUESTS LIKE?
There was a woman skinny as a rail who was recovering from an eating disorder.
There was a woman who had once trained to be an Olympic swimmer and just wanted to regain some strength.
There was a woman there who was well over 400 lbs.
There were people in their 20s and people in their 60s.
There were single men and single women.
There were attorneys and NBC executives and Police Lieutenants and stay at home moms.
There were a few married couples (classic line from one husband: "My wife told me we were going to a spa!")
The programs is for everyone and that is one of the things I loved about it.

WAS THAT MUCH TRAINING HARD ON YOUR BODY?
Yep. My left knee that is still struggling a little and I bruised my achilles tendon. But, I learned you can still work out even if you're injured. You just have to modify.

I COULD NEVER DO IT.
Yes. You. Could. I am telling you right now, if I could do it, ANYONE could do it. You are looking at a girl who loves food and hates (well, hated) exercise. I am completely changed. I had an experience that totally challenged and changed my beliefs about myself and my life and my priorities.

CAN YOU GET ME A DISCOUNT?
Yes. If you register and use my name, you will get $100 off. Not because I am special...it's a "referral program". And if you do that, I will also get $100 off my next visit. So...do it! (and please let me know if you do register)

ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT AGAIN?
Yes. My goal is to return next year, the week after Thanksgiving again. I WILL be at my goal weight. Come join me!

WILL YOU SHARE WHAT YOU LEARNED?
Happy to. But, I don't want to be obnoxious about it so you have to ask me. I'll tell you just about anything you might want to know about the experience and how it changed my life. Because it really really did.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW TO CONTINUE ON YOUR JOURNEY?
I am now a girl who counts calories. I am NOT on a diet. I am just choosing to live a healthy lifestyle. No food is off limits. But now, when I look at that pint of ice cream, I say, "um, do you REALLY want to work out 2 hours to burn that off?" I live with my polar watch and I make sure I burn the committed calories every day. My commitment is really big for the next four months. Why? Because I can. And because I really really want to. (oh, and I'm training for a half-marathon. But that's because I'm crazy.)

Someone yesterday told me I was glowing.
And I think I am.
And it feels really really good.

The real world

In the real world, people have to cook for themselves.
In the real world, people have to fight for every hour they can exercise.
In the real world, people have to juggle a job with a healthy lifestyle.
In the real world, people register for half marathons to make sure they do.

Wait.
WHAT?

Before I left the resort, I spent some time developing a plan. This change is permanent. I know that. But, I also know it will not be without its challenges and the hope is that a plan will help eliminate many of them.

As I drove I-15 today, I was thinking about the commitments I've made for the next 90 days (anyone can do anything for 90 days, right?). It will require a fairly significant overhaul of the way I do my life. But, I'm determined. And I'm committed.

One of the elements of the plan was to find something to train for...something that felt beyond the limits of what I could do.

And when I saw the billboard for the Utah Valley Marathon, I knew that was my answer. And I came home and hopped online. And registered.

Right now a half-marathon seems nearly impossible. But, two weeks ago most of what I have now done seemed nearly impossible too.

I've decided that in the real world, people work hard for things that seem nearly impossible all the time, right?

It feels good to be back in the real world.
Feels real good.

(We'll see how good I feel on June 11th! Who's with me?)

The day I stood behind myself [Part 2]

(Read Part 1 here)

She asked me what I was thinking.
There were so many thoughts racing in my head but I didn't want to talk about them. So, I said, "I just have a hard time running for long periods of time and I want to be a runner."

We talked about the process of running and Tiffany told me that when she runs, it helps to think about what she's running towards or what she's running away from.

"What are you running towards?" she asked.

"I have no idea," came my empty reply. "I don't know what's waiting for me. That scares me. I have no idea what I am running towards."

"Then let's figure out what you need to run away from. You're going to get on this treadmill and run til you know."

She put it on the "treading speed" and I started to run. Within a few minutes, I knew and the tears came.

Behind me was disappointment. The disappointment of not having the life I thought I'd have. The disappointment of relationships that hadn't worked. The disappointment of the hole in my heart.

Behind me was anger, though it was hard to admit. Anger at myself mostly.

Behind me was regret. The regret that if I'm really capable of making this dramatic change in my life, that I didn't do it sooner.

Behind me was fear. Fear of failure...AND fear of success. Fear that too much would change. Fear that not enough would.

We talked about all of that and I said everything I needed to give voice to. Everything that was in my head...and my heart.

And then Tiffany asked the next important question:
"So, what's in front of you?"

I almost didn't miss a beat.
"Me."

The problem was that I wasn't in front of me as a believing girl who was leading the way. I was in front of me, facing me, questioning me, fearing me.

"You've been fighting yourself long enough. You have to choose which army is going to win. So, what do you want, Laurel?"

"I want to be the girl I was born to be. I want to know I'm living life at my optimum. I want to do this."

"Then let's do this," she said quietly but sternly.

She told me I was going to run until I saw the girl who was standing in the way in front of me take her rightful place behind me where she could push me forward. And I was going to run...at a speed I'd never run before.

I wanted to say "I can't run that fast."
But, I knew I couldn't say it.
And I also knew I had to run.

And I ran.

It wasn't even a full minute.
But I was going at a speed I'd never gone before
And it transformed me.
The fight inside my head was quiet.
I felt like I was being pushed from behind.
And I knew...I KNEW...my body and spirit were truly one.

I cried some more (the wailing kind of crying).
"Let it all out," Tiffany said.
And I did.
All of it.

Then she said, "What do you want to do now?"
Out of my mouth came, "I want to do it again."

And I ran again at the same speed.

And it was the most freeing experience of my life.
I could feel my feet.
I was in the present and I was running.
No longer worried about the future and what might (or might not be) waiting for me.
No longer worried about the past and the "should haves" or "could haves".
I was just running.

I was finally free.
To run.

And when I was done, I took in a breath deeper than I ever have before.
I couldn't believe how good it felt to breathe.
The fear was gone.
Instead I felt excitement.
And light. I felt lighter.

I looked at Tiffany.
"You look completely different," she said.
I didn't even need a mirror to verify the truth of what she said.
I could feel it.
And I knew that I was.

And I know that I am.

The day I stood behind myself [Part 1]

It's almost over.
This unbelievably hard and amazing experience...
This two weeks that seemed to have every right piece perfectly placed to give me exactly what I needed...
It's nearly done.

And I have more things than I can share (a. because how do I really even recreate it and b. I don't want to be obnxious talking about it). But, I need to try and find a way to share what feels like the "turning point" of my life.

You know, I'm not sure what I thought would come from my time at Fitness Ridge exactly.

I trusted it would push my physical limits.
I had watched Biggest Loser enough to assume I would cry.
I was told I'd be taken outside my comfort zones.
I sensed that it would change my life.

But I don't think I had any idea.
Really.

I felt a deep connection with the trainer from my Treading experience and I was impressed to set up a personal training session with her this week.

I wasn't sure why.
I just knew that I needed to.

The morning hike had been really difficult.
And the class right after that had pushed my limits.
It was mountain class (increase incline every 3 minutes 12 times...no joke) and I hurt and had increased too much too early and by the last two increases, I was just spent. I heard Tiffany tell us to increase for time number 11 and I didn't say "I can't" because I had made a promise not to say that anymore.

But, I noticed my head was shaking "no".
It wasn't a conscious action.
That's just what I was doing.

I increased, but not without a little fight with myself.

The same thing happened for the last increase.
My head shook "no" when she told us to do it.

And, as is the case with me here, I was crying the last 3 minutes.
In part, because it was really really hard but also because I had proof I was still fighting myself. It was frustrating and confusing and discouraging. I thought I had had a breakthrough last week and that kind of behavior was behind me.

After the class I was so very tempted to cancel my private session but there was a part of me that knew I was right there...so close to figuring this thing out once and for all. I had to do it. I had to.

And so we started.

[to be continued]

There's no maybe about it

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

This is the song that speaks to my tired little legs after I've gone that last little push and I've earned the cool down.

LOVE.

I just didn't know

I have a new friend.
His name is Dr. Hoy.
He made it possible for me to sleep last night.
And to get upright this morning.
It makes me laugh that I even have a reason to know about him and his products.
But, I do...and I'm so grateful for my new dr. friend.

I honestly can't think of any other time in my life I have been this physically exhausted. I don't think there is a part of my body that doesn't hurt (okay, that's a little dramatic...my left ear feels totally fine).

I just didn't know
that I could go so long
that my knee could hurt so much
that I could hike so far
that I could feel so good
that I could own so many pairs of socks
that I would want something more
that my body has been waiting to do this
that my spirit would be so grateful

When you have an experience that makes you realize how many things you didn't know...that you didn't even know you didn't know...well, it really makes you wonder what else you don't know...what else you don't know that you don't know.

Because, I just didn't know.
I really really didn't.

And I want to know.
I do.

The thing [you think] you cannot do.

When I returned from "Stop Sign", I turned on my BlackBerry.

My dad was supposed to be finishing up another surgery (all went well, btw and he's home now. YAY!) and my mom had promised a text. And it was a text I was very grateful for.

I had committed to stay offline all last week and for the most part was really good about it. But, I noticed that there were some comments from my post that morning. I read (and was grateful for) every single one of them. Oh, I needed them that morning.

One in particular spoke to me, especially after "stop sign":
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the thing you think you cannot do." -
Eleanor Roosevelt (love you, Kara!)

But, I had no idea how much I would need those words just a couple hours later.

I had heard about "Treading".
I had heard it was hard.

By Thursday afternoon you become really close with some people in the class and I hopped on a treadmill in the middle of two of the best women...one much older than me and one much younger.

Treading is a high intensity cardio interval program developed by the founder of Fitness Ridge. This is how it goes:
5 minutes warm up
5 minutes as hard as you can go
5 minute recovery
4 minutes as hard as you can go
4 minute recovery
3 minutes as hard as you can go
3 minute recovery
2 minutes as hard as you can go
2 minute recovery
1 minute as hard as you can go
1 minute recovery
5 minute cool down

"as hard as you can go" means different things to different people. I asked one of the trainers what that should be. I wanted a number...something to shoot for. She said, "you know what it is."

And I did.

I have a speed on my treadmill that I worked up to when I started to become "a runner" earlier this year. But, my running took a back seat this fall to my schedule and it's been a long time since I've ever done that number. And even then it was a "5 minute on, 5 minute off" kind of thing. I knew if I was really going to go "as hard as I could go", it needed to be a higher number than that.

Problem was, I KNEW I could not do it.
KNEW.

I didn't just believe I couldn't.
I KNEW I couldn't.

But, my treadmill buddy on the left and I decided that's where we would start. And so we did.

At 2 minutes in, I was in trouble.
I got that feeling that when I get at home on my treadmill, I slow down...my heart felt like it could rupture. That's when I get scared. That's when I stop.

"I can't do it. I can't do it." I huffed out.

"Yes you can, Laurel. You can do this." my treadmill buddies said back to me.

"I can't. I can't."
And that's when one of the trainers saw what was happening.
She came over and stood in front of me.

"Don't you dare stop. You can do this. Don't be the thing standing in your way of finishing. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go!"

The clock was not moving fast enough.
And I found myself thinking of all the things I want in my life...all the things that seem so out of reach...all the things I tell myself I can't get...that I'm not good enough for.

And I just wanted to stop.

There was a minute left.
I couldn't breathe.
I was scared.
I was exhausted.

"30 seconds!" Trainer Tiffany yelled. "Don't you dare stop!"

"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...ONE!"

I hopped to the side and bent over.
And I sobbed.

Just five minutes earlier, I didn't just THINK I couldn't do what I just did. I KNEW I couldn't. I KNEW I was going to have to stop before it was time to stop. I KNEW it.

And here I was, in the five minute recovery, sobbing, trying to catch my breath, trying to grab some water...

Then it was time for the next interval.
Four minutes.

"I really can't do this again. I really really can't." I said out loud between gasping for breaths.
"Yes, you can, Laurel. You can do this," my treadmill buddies said again.
"Get ready to increase your speed" Tiffany yelled.

And we got to the speed again.
And again, I thought I was going to die.
And again, Tiffany saw what was happening.
And again, she came over and stood right in front of my treadmill.

"You know you want this. Don't doubt your ability to get it done. Don't be the thing standing in your way. You have this, Laurel. You have this!"

I thought of all those things again.
The sobbing started sometime during the last minute.
Breathing is hard enough without sobbing and that's when I knew I had to stop.
I was getting ready to jump off to the side but something in me kept going.
And the next thing I knew:
"30 seconds!" Trainer Tiffany yelled. "Don't you dare stop!"
Then "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...ONE! Recover."

My mind was spinning.
I had just done something I KNEW I could not do...not just once but twice.
Which meant only one thing.
I. was. wrong.

I didn't even have time to process it when it was time for the 3-minute interval. And I knew if I could do the speed I previously could not do for 5 and 4, I could do faster for 3.
And then the cycle started again.
Me thinking I couldn't.
People yelling at me I could.
The 10-second countdown.
Me crying at the side of the treadmill.

And the speed kept climbing.

And I kept going till the end of the time.

I cried the entire cool down.
I looked to my right and my left.
"Thank you" I quietly whispered to my treadmill buddies.
Tiffany came over.
"Don't you EVER forget what you just did," she said.

Something happens when you do the thing you think you cannot do. Mrs. Roosevelt was right. You DO gain strength, courage and confidence. But I also gained something else.

When I stepped off that treadmill, I had the "ah ha" of a lifetime.
I realized I was not who I thought I was.
I walked into that class with limits on my abilities and ideas about what my life was supposed to be like...what it COULD be like.

And, well, if the limits I thought I had were wrong, the ideas about what my life was supposed to be like or could be like were wrong too.

That's no small thing.

I gained an entirely new view of myself on that treadmill last Thursday. I walked out of that class knowing I could never be the same again.
Because the girl I thought I was just simply didn't exist anymore.

I'm now the girl who does the thing I think I cannot do.
That is who I am.

What about you?
What's the thing you think you cannot do?
And are you ready to do it?
Not TRY to do it.
DO IT.

Don't be the one thing standing in your way.
Trust me.

Lessons from Stop Sign

Thursdays hike was difficult.

It's called "stop sign" and apparently it's rather famous around the resort as a "breaker". It's 3.5 miles on a paved path (mildly up and down) until the first stop sign and then you exit to the road and go 1.2 miles all uphill to the next stop sign where the road of Snow Canyon meets Hwy 18. It basically runs the length of Snow Canyon.

Oh, and did I mention it's timed? You have to be to the top or to one of the parking lots along the road by 10:30.

Not everyone makes it to the top the first time.

The hike started and there was one person in my group ahead of me. She kept a good pace and I just wanted to stay in view of her. That was my goal. But, about a mile in, she decided to do a different hike (returning guests can do that).

So then it was just me.
(Well, me and Daughtry on my iPod).

No one ahead of me and my whole group behind me.
Now, I was setting the pace.

I made a conscious decision never to look back.
That was my first good decision.

Then, I made a commitment just to make it to the next "thing"...
a sign...a bush...a hill...focusing on mini finish lines and not thinking about the end of the hike.

I made it to the first top sign at the 3.5 mile mark.
I couldn't see a soul but I did see the little "outhouse" off the road and I was oh so grateful for it.

When I got back to the stop sign to finish out the last part of the hike, two of the guys from my hiking group were there. I love these guys (pictures coming. promise) and we decided to finish it out together.

Sometimes I led.
Sometimes one of them did.
We talked.
We didn't talk.
We laughed.
We moaned.
We stopped to take a breather.
We pushed each other every last step up that darn incline.
And. we. made. it.
Together.

And from the top, I looked down at where we had come from.
I couldn't have imagined at the beginning how hard it would be (and I'm so glad I didn't know) and I also wasn't so sure I would make it to the target. But, I did. And I learned a couple of important things along the way.

DON'T LOOK BACK
Once you start on a path of change, keep your eyes going forward. Don't keep looking back at what got you there or what mistakes you've made before. What matters is where you are. There is more to see out the windshield than the rearview mirror.

FIND MINI FINISH LINES
When the change seems hard, focus on the small step-by-step accomplishments. Don't get overwhelmed by the long road ahead. Just make it to the next day...the next week...the next increase on the treadmill. All the mini finish lines are what get you to the end.

STICK TOGETHER
Sometimes we do need to go it alone. Sometimes it's good to know what we can do on our own. But...we really weren't meant to do this life alone. So don't be afraid to ask for help and look around for others who might need you to get them to where they want to go too. Sometimes we all just need a little help getting to the top.

I'll never look at a stop sign the same way again.

The Journey

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."
-Lao Tzu

I have so many things spinning through my head tonight. And I just don't even know where to begin. But, I knew where to begin last Sunday.

And I began my journey here.

I just completed week one of two. And until I can share more, here are just a few highlights of this experience so far:

* I am now the proud owner of a Polar watch and I'm a little obsessed with it.

* If you run into me in a dark alley in the next few days, and if all I can rely on is my arm strength, you will win. But, if it's in a couple of weeks, watch out!

* On a day when I normally would have called in sick and stayed in bed because of the way I felt, I got up, went for a 2 1/2 hour hike and then burned 3000 calories the rest of the day.

* I can live off less calories as long as the calories are used on amazingly yummy food.

*Someday I'm going to be a Zumba instructor.

* I respond much better to a "Bob" than a "Jillian".

* Treading changed my life (details forthcoming)

* I can do hard things.

* I can do more hard things.

I've thought so much this week about that little quote at the top of my blog. Courage CAN'T see around corners...or over the next hill on a hike...or at the end of a cardio interval when you think you're going to die...or to the 4th fitness class at the end of a really long hard day...

But, courage goes over the next hill, to the end of the interval, to the 4th fitness class...anyway.

I have been stretched (literally) and pushed and encouraged and refined and brought to my knees and to tears. And I am determined to find the words to share a bit of this journey that I'm embarking on. It feels like one of the most important things I will ever do. And it's so much more than hills and hikes and intervals and Polar watches.

It's a journey of a thousand steps.
And I've already taken quite a few of them.

And I'll share a bit of it here just in case you're interested.

Not back just yet...

I guess I have not yet come up for air. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to stay away...keep out of touch...just be on my own.

But, I must be doing it. I must be taking it all in and giving it everything I have.

And I also suspect it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
The hardest thing I have EVER done...and I'm doing it for me.

SO...
if you're reading this, than I'm not back just yet.
And while I'm still away, will you do something for me?
I'd love to know your favorite encouraging scripture or motivating quote or inspiring thought.

I have a feeling I will be grateful for your words when I come back up for air.

So click that little "comments" right below and share.
Because if this little post has been published, I will have earned a little "atta girl" or "here's my favorite scripture" or "this is a quote that should be on your mirror". Really I will have. Just wait til you find out what I've been doing.

Just. you. wait.

xoxo

Pick up the pen

I have a lifetime of stories already written and there's a new one being created right now.
Part of it I know.
But, most of it I do not.

I used to think that God was supposed to be the author of this little life 'o mine, but I'm finally starting to see that He has just writing for me until I was ready to pick up the pen.

For myself.

I tell young women all the time that they "cannot behold with [their] natural eyes, for the present time, the design of [their] God concerning those things which shall come." (D&C 58:3)

I believe that so much for them. I truly believe that they cannot imagine any story better than what the Lord already is preparing for them.

And now, I have no choice but to believe it for myself too.
He has made that abundantly clear.
I just needed to pick up the pen so I could start writing the story He had waiting for me.

And you? What about you?
Are you ready to pick up your pen and start writing?
There's a story that waiting to be written.

Chances are, it's been waiting long enough.

Anything's possible

The theme for next year's tour is CHOOSE TO BECOME, based on the scripture in Mark 9:23: "All things are possible to him that believeth."

And I believe.
I do.
Not always in MY abilities.
But, I believe in GOD'S abilities.

Last weekend I was at our last TOFW tour for the 2010 Tour.
What a blessing the INFINITE HOPE tour was for me this year.

I heard something that spoke to me in a way that let me know it was a little mantra I would want to take into my heart.

"It's not about willpower. It's about God's power."
(Brad Wilcox)

I'm so grateful to know this isn't about my power.
Rather, it's about HIS power...that lies within me.


And that is what makes ANYTHING POSSIBLE.
HE makes anything possible.
Even this.

I'm counting on it.

(PS My dad is scheduled to have surgery on Dec. 1st, which should be tomorrow. I know that I will be praying and thinking about him...and anxiously awaiting text updates on him...all day. Will you join us in praying for him?)

(PSS No, I'm not in China...but I went there once. And climbing that Great Wall was an incredible experience for me. I hope I'm thinking about it today.)

He is my strength

I've had words going through my mind over and over since last week. So I was especially grateful when a friend brought me some "thought cards" on Friday night and one of them included this:

"But they that wait upon the Lord,

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with

wings as eagles;

they shall run,

and not be weary,

and they shall walk,

and not faint."
Isaiah 40:31

I already know, before this even begins,

that the Lord is my stength.

But, I sense I'm getting ready to know that a little differently as I call upon Him for strength in ways I never have before (it's a good thing, this need for this kind of strength. Trust me.).

I'm ready.

If someone had told me even four weeks ago that this would have worked out, I never would have believed them. It all happened so fast. And now that it's here, I can look back at the last year of my life (really, the entire last year) and see how so many details, even the little ones, were orchestrated perfectly by a Father in Heaven who knows me... perfectly.

You know that cliff I was standing on the edge of?
Well, I didn't jump really. Rather, I got pushed right off.

I had a conversation
that led to a phone call
that took me to this place.
As we talked, I had a sense my life was getting ready to change.

And it is.

I've left my life for a couple of weeks. And while I can't begin to share everything that's going through my mind, I've written a couple of posts to be published this week until it's time to get back online and share this amazing opportunity I've been given. The journey feels personal in so many ways, but as I packed up my car yesterday, I sensed this isn't just for me. And I'm feeling compelled to share it. I think I might owe someone that.

And so I will.

I'm being given the chance to step it up...
to become a little closer to who I'm meant to be.

I know it.
I feel it.
I could be scared of it.
But, I'm not.
Not anymore.
I'm thrilled by it.

And most importantly?

I'm ready for it.

Thanks-living

The art of thanksgiving is thanks-living.
It is gratitude in action...
It is thanking God for the gift of life

by living it triumphantly...
It is thanking God for oppportunities

by accepting them as a challenge to achievement...
It is thanking God for inspiration

by living to be an inspiration to others...
It is adding to your prayers of thanksgiving,

acts of thanks-living.
(Wilfred Peterson, The Art of Living)

My Favorite things: BOOKS

(this post brought to you courtesy of a blizzard.)

So, last night someone asked me what some of my favorite things are. You know, like if I was OPRAH and had a show and featured some of my favorite things?

Well, if I was and if I did, I thought I'd share some of them this holiday season.

First up...BOOKS.

Here are some of my favorite books that I love and would highly recommend.

THE BOOK OF MORMON Another Testament of Jesus Christ
(and btw, a friend tonight facebooked me and asked how he could get a hold of a copy and I realized what a horrible friend I am that he has to ask. SO, if you would like one, know that I'd happily send you your own copy...complete with highlights of my favorite passages OR fresh and clean. Just email me if you're interested. Really.)








A HEART LIKE HIS
This is the book I credit for making me nice. And if you don't think I'm nice, you should have met me before reading this book (grin). Really. It changed the way I view others and the way I view my impact on and role in others' lives. (plus the author is super darling and loves cute bags.)





MY GRANDFATHER'S SON
My crush on Clarence Thomas is no secret. I even once declared it on a nationally syndicated talk show I called into. I'm a lover of biographies and THIS, my friends, is one of the best I've ever read. It's a keeper. A story of a good man who's faith in God helped him overcome everything. I happen to believe that. Really.



LIFE AND DEATH IN SHANGHAI
This was the first "adult" book I ever read. I was a junior in high school. I felt alone most of the time (we had just moved to St. Louis) and I spent my lunch hours in the library. Nien Cheng spent 7 years in solitary confinement. SHE was alone. She inspired me. I felt like I knew her. And this book changed me. It really did.







THE GREAT & TERRIBLE SERIES Those who know me best know I'm not much of a fiction reader (in case you couldn't tell that from this list). BUT...I am a huge fan of this. Chris Stewart is a national bestselling author who specializes in techno thrillers. And he brought his skill to a religious "last days" series that feels like a realistic portrayal of how things could be "in the end" and how important it will be to stay close to God. I LOVE this series (work through Vol. 1...it's a critical foundation for the series but not quite as well written as the rest of the series).

Those are some of My Favorite Books.
What are yours?

Prepared?

At 4:55 p.m. I posted this on my facebook wall:
"hey DB peeps...the sun is um shining and the sky looks pretty blue. Why are Mary and I the only ones still at the office?"

I was cavalier and a little bugged the world had stopped because "a blizzard was coming". It was supposed to be here at 3...then 4...then 5.

Everyone was talking about it.
Businesses and schools were shutting down.
People were leaving the office early.

By 4:30, however, it was sunny outside and blue skies. Really. It just didn't look at all like anything that approached a blizzard. And I thought it was just all a bunch of hype over nothing.

Twenty minutes later since everyone else was gone, I decided to give myself plenty of time to gas up my car and get groceries "before the storm hit". Downtown was empty and it seriously looked like the Apocalypse.

And then it hit.
Before I even got to the freeway, it hit.

It was like the sky caved in on downtown and the snow started to fall immediately. And the wind! The wind! It was so fast. And so cold. And so...blizzardy.

My gas light was on "E".
I knew there was no food in my fridge at home.
Heat source if the power goes out? I don't have one.

I couldn't help but feel woefully ill-prepared the whole drive home. The parable of the Ten Virgins came into my mind and I knew which side of the story I was standing on.

An unprepared virgin. Literally.
(sorry...couldn't resist.)

I had the time.
I had a warning.
But, I pushed it.

It's just a little blizzard.
I'll be okay.

But, what about the next thing?
Am I prepared?
Are you?

Bittersweet.

I stood on the stage after the event yesterday. It had been an incredible weekend. I looked out at the 4000+ empty chairs. Those that were left were in their various groups engrossed in conversation. Behind me the tech guys were busily working to put everything away. No one seemed to know what it all meant to me.

And I stood on the stage alone.

I remembered in an instant last Spring when, after an event, the ballroom was completely empty and I stood in the back of the hall and cried.

I said a heartfelt prayer.

In the midst of my truly blessed-in-so-many-ways life, I felt alone, trapped, left behind...like all the women who left the event got to go back to their lives and I was just left.

I so wanted a change.

Within a couple of weeks, I was presented with a new opportunity at work. And when we first talked about it, I wasn't enthused. It felt like one more bit of proof towards this life path I never signed up for. Like I was climbing up one more wrung of a ladder I never meant to step on. But, after much thought and prayer and a direct communication from Heaven, I sensed it was actually an answer to a plea those weeks before.

He opened a door.

Yesterday as I stood on that stage, I knew it wasn't totally the end of my experience with this job that I love...but I also knew it was the end of a chapter in my life. While I will still be overseeing TIME OUT FOR WOMEN, I've been stepping out of the day-to-day operations to make time for a new responsibility as the Creative Director over product development. And I've been grateful for the change.

But sometimes change is hard.

So even when you know it's the right thing
and actually what said you wanted
it's still something new
and you like what's familiar
so though it might be just the thing you needed
you're still having to let go a little of this thing you loved
and the life you've known

And it feels bittersweet.

The Lord's Vineyard

Have you ever heard of Pak Kret?
Before today I wouldn't have had any idea where Pak Kret was.

It sounds far away.
It looks far away.
It feels far away.
And that's because it is.

Pak Kret is in Thailand.
Thailand!

Why do I care about Pak Kret?
Because today I got a message from a girl who lives there.

And do you know what I love?
She's doing her darndest to live like a daughter of God in Thailand.
And I hope I'm doing my darndest to live like a daughter of God here.
And even though we're miles (and years) apart, I feel a bit of a kindred-spiritness with her. And I love that.

We really are all in our own little part of the Lord's vineyard
doing what He needs us to do there.
He finds us where we are.
He watches us where we are.
He talks to us where we are.
He uses us where we are.
He loves us where we are.

...We are thus highly favored, for we have these glad tidings declared unto us in all parts of our vineyard. (Alma 13:23)

(I wonder what Girls Camp is like in Pak Kret?
I'd sure like to go and find out.)

Mail update

I finally mailed the books.

If you "earned one" but didn't get one, please holler and let me know. Despite my attempt, I didn't get addresses for everyone. Or maybe I did but I'm just a really bad personal assistant for myself.

(And I have a few extra left so if you still want to get one, just follow the instructions and report back. I'd love to get the last few out!)

Oh, and since we're talking about mail...

Well, when my mom was here?
Yeah...she *might* have found the notice from the Post Office about my PO Box renewal being due.

She *might* have.

But, let's just keep that between us, okay?

Blogging for Reeder

I love my friend Reeder.

She's a girl who completely changed my opinion about blue nail polish. Prior to Jenny Reeder, I judged people who wore "non-conservative" nail polish colors.
(I used to be judgey like that.)

But, Jenny Reeder showed up at a Relief Society meeting with light blue nail polish. And I actually said, "you have just totally changed my opinion about girls who wear light blue nail polish." Because, well, if someone as "with it" as Jenny thought it was okay to wear it, it must be.
(I'm super easily swayed like that.)

Jenny is my super cool smarty friend who is now in DC working on her PhD (in History of Mormon Women). She is the kind of girl you can see once every couple years and pick up right where you left off. She is also one of the best souls on the planet. Oh, and she loves Eliza. And might be responsible for my love of Eliza that started about five years ago.

So, when I was sitting at our event in Portland a couple weeks ago and one of our mutual friends told me Jenny was in trouble, my heart just sank. And through a series of texts, Jenny told me that she had just been diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

And I felt every ounce of everything go out of me.
It took my breath away.
I sat at our AV table, in the middle of the event, and cried.

Sobering news.
Things like this aren't supposed to happen to girls our age (I realize they happen all the time).
And not to healthy crazy marathon running girls like Jenny.

I so wish I could do something to just make it all go away.

But, maybe I wouldn't wish this away for Jenny.
I trust that God, the Father of us all, has things in store for her...some things she needs to experience...some things others who know her need to experience...and...moments with the Spirit that are unmistakable for her. I also trust that He doesn't let us suffer needlessly. And while I don't always like the way He chooses to teach us, I trust it.

I. Trust. It.

So, I'm one of many dear friends who are taking care of her blog while she's taking care of her little self and kicking Mr. Leukemia to the curb. My first post was today. You can read it here.

And as would be the case for any cute single girl who is in school to get her PhD because she is so super smart, insurance and thus finances are scary.
You might not know this girl.
But, you know me.
And every little bit would help.
If you feel so inclined to help, I would be so grateful. You can find out how to help here.

If you would rather donate through me, you can do that too. I'm starting a little "Christmas Jar" for Jenny and I'll happily include your donations in my jar.

And if all you can do right now, is say one little prayer for my friend, we'll take that too.

Love you, Reeder!

Thank. You.

Grateful for brave men and women today...SO grateful.

25 years.

25 years ago tonight.
It happened.

I just returned from another evening with another great group of remarkable young women.

And talking about the theme...on the actual anniversary of the theme...wow.

I am a girl who KNOWS...I KNOW...that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who LOVES ME.

HE. LOVES. ME.

And I. Love. Him.
So much.

And all these years later, the words of the theme are a part of me now.
They make up who I am.
They go with me everywhere I go.
They influence every choice I make.
They are powerful, powerful words.
And they are powerful because they are true.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.
We will "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things,
and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9) as we strive to live
the Young Women values, which are:
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity and
Virtue.
We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values,
we will be prepared to strengthen home and family,

make and keep sacred covenants,
receive the ordinances of the temple,

and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

(YW Theme, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)