The whole in my heart

"Blessed are they that keep his testimonies,
and that seek him with the [hole in their] heart." (Psalm 119:2)

I had a little discovery today.
And though the root of it pertains to something I don't talk about much because it is deeply personal, the issue has broad application.

Do you know what it is to feel like something is missing in your life?
For a single girl, that "missing" might seem very obvious. But you don't have to be single to be missing something...something deeply and righteously desired.

You might be missing the love of your life.
You might be missing the privilege of being a mom.
You might be missing a wayward child.
You might be missing the blessing of good health.
You might be missing a relationship with a parent...or a sibling.
You might be missing a loved one who has left this life.

Whatever the reason for the missing, the thing that is missed can leave a hole in your heart. You know what I'm talking about. It's not always felt, but when it's felt, it's deep and you can't seem to find anything to fill that space.

Yesterday I ran into someone I served with as a missionary more than 14 years ago. It was great to catch up on her "I've been married 13 years and I have 5 kids" life. It really was great. I was genuinely happy to see her...genuinely happy to hear about her life. This came after a weekend full of running into people from my past...girls I went to high school with...girls I babysat...women who were my leaders at Church when I was 16...sisters of boys I once thought I'd marry...you name the life option, and I ran into it this weekend.

I've been in St. Louis for our event here and it was a wonderful experience in so many ways. It was another one of those times when I knew I was in the right place. I do not doubt AT ALL that my life is where it's supposed to be and I am keenly aware of the blessing that is.

But, something about seeing those girls...now women...who have husbands and kids and "regular" lives that was a bit of a gut punch by the time it was all over. "Sister Dean" from the mission has FIVE kids. Her oldest is 12. She has a 12 year old.

I couldn't help but ask, "What on earth have I been doing with my life?"

Don't misunderstand me (i.e. I'm not looking for validation here). I get that we all have a life plan. I completely get that this is mine. But, the things that I am missing in my life leave a gaping hole in my heart that at times seems too big to fill with anything else.

And yet...and yet...

That hole has led me to a place I never would have gone otherwise.
That hole has brought me to my knees faster than anything else could.
That hole has required my heart and my soul to seek Him in ways I wouldn't do on my own.

That hole is what has helped me learn this truth:
Only HE can fill that space.
Only HE can make us whole.

He is the one that enables me to stand there with a smile on my face, content with the life I've been given.
He is the one that grants me the confidence to know that I am not measured or valued based on some pre-determined patterned life.
He is the one that encircles me with power to know I can do just as much good in this life as I could in that life.
He is the one who constantly and quietly whispers, "This is where I need you."

And that is what turns the hole in my heart into a space that He fills instead of a dark place of nothingness.

There IS a whole in my heart.
And, ironically, it's because of the hole that I have there too.
That is the miracle of Jesus Christ.

Through my faith in Him, He makes me whole. (Matthew 9:21-22)