the real finish line

In 10 weeks it will be Saturday, June 11.

10 short weeks.

And today I was thinking about the finish line that day...
Maybe even feeling a little anxious about it.
Imagining though what it will feel like to run towards it.
Trying to figure out why it's so important to me...
What it all represents.

And I'm figuring it out.

At the very moment Elder Oaks opened his mouth in the afternoon session of General Conference, I seemed to hear the spirit say, "listen. closely."
And I did. And heard whisperings beyond what he said.

But, his masterful message...my thoughts...that will have to be saved for a future post when I can watch/read/devour his words again.

(Desires + Labor + Faith. What a formula, eh?)

For now, let me just say, that while I fully intend to run through that finish line, this isn't about June 11 anymore.
Because this journey is about so much more.
And the real finish line has become something else for me.
The true desires of my heart.

Which would explain why I feel compelled to run.
Forward.

The finish line is sometimes merely
the symbol of victory.
All sorts of personal triumphs
take place before that point,
and the outcome of the race
may actually be decided
long before the end.
~Laurence Malone (cyclocross champion)


On another note, had a little chat with one my brother who was my mole tonight for the Priesthood Session.
And thus my facebook status:
from what I've heard, sounds like a whole lotta single ladies are going to need to send "thank you" notes to President Monson. I'll provide the stamps.

Let me know as soon as you need one.
xoxo

Just in front of my hope

While hope is about wanting what YOU want,
faith is about wanting what GOD wants.
-Me.

I had a pretty significant "ah-ha" yesterday at Church. My friend taught the Relief Society lesson on my current favorite talk, "Faith--the Choice is Yours".

I've been thinking a lot about faith and its place in my Optimist Experiment. I've also been thinking a lot about faith and its place in my life.

"Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.

Yes, faith is a choice, and it must be sought after and developed. Thus, we are responsible for our own faith. We are also responsible for our lack of faith. The choice is yours." (Richard C. Edgley)

I thought I understood faith when I came to understand hope.
Do you remember that?

But on Sunday during the discussion, my heart started to beat so hard I thought it would come right out of my chest. The spirit was trying to help me understand a very basic truth. And I couldn't keep from speaking.

"I have always thought I struggled with my faith. But, I see now that my faith only struggles when I'm focusing on faith in the outcome rather than faith in Jesus Christ. When my faith is focused on Him, I can always trust the outcome. Always."

Is that the most basic thing ever?
How on earth has it taken me 39 years to figure that out?

And that got me thinking about the TRUE relationship between faith and hope.
At least for me.

Hope really is about what I want...want I desire...what I pray for.
Faith is about HIM...what HE wants...what HE desires.

Hope lets me trust that what HE wants for me is amazing.
Faith lets me see that it is.

That understanding has completely opened up my mind and my heart.
And it's only been a day (I love that I'm not the least bit dramatic.)

I feel like for the first time in my life, I can confidently say my faith is strong.
Did you hear that? STRONG.
My faith is solid. SOLID.
Because my faith IS focused on Him.
It is.
And it always will be.
Only He and I know how huge that is for me to be able to say.

Now, of course, I still think about outcomes.
I still want outcomes.
In other words, I still hope.

But, I understand hope's place now in my life.
It's standing just behind my faith,
oh so tempted to jump in front of it...
But, hope won't.
Because faith is in front.
Just as it should be.


(image found here)

God's Will. My Will (Part 3)

Agency.

It comes down to agency.

Only I'm not talking about the agency we need to submit to His will.
Though I absolutely know that is part of this whole thought process.

But, I've been thinking a lot about our agency to choose our will.
You see, I believe God doesn't just sit around waiting for us to get to the point where we choose His will.
Rather, I believe He is waiting for us to learn how to have our will be His will.

Now, in some cases, that absolutely involves an actual "letting go" of what we want and trusting that what He wants is better.

BUT...in most cases, I do believe...or rather, I'm starting to understand...He is waiting for us to choose what we want and, if it is in accordance with that which is good, He can...and will...allow our will to be so. Then, He can and will accomplish His ultimate will through our righteous choices.

I have lately been even more intrigued by this truth contained within the definition of "prayer" from the Bible Dictionary:
Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them.

I think that definition is just as important for what it doesn't say as what it does. Read it again...even if you've read it before.

Is it possible that the Lord doesn't just want my willingness to do His will?
But, that He wants me to decide what my will is...based on those principles that are the foundation for His will?

Does that make sense?

In other words, it's not just about submission.
It's also about proactively living in accordance with what I really want...so that He can grant me those things He's waiting to grant me...but that I just have to ask for...and live for.

WHAT I WANT.
And what He wants to give me.

So many thoughts that I can't quite articulate. But, I'm understanding something in my heart...and when I pray...that I've never understood before.

Agency.
It really does come down to agency.

(If you want to read a great talk about this topic, enjoy this gem of Bruce R. McConkie from 1973.)

God's Will. My Will (Part 2)

Dear God:

It's Friday night. And I'm at the office.
Now, granted, I have a lot of work to do to get ready for our kick-off event next weekend. And so there really isn't a choice right now.
But...

I worry a little bit that I will get sucked back into this life of mine.
I worry a little bit that I'll forget what it felt like to believe.
I worry just a little bit that steps forward will mean a slightly different direction.

And I just want to make it perfectly clear that's not what I want.
And I'm kind of hoping that's not what YOU want either.

Oh, and I miss him.
And there's a little hole in my heart again.
And I need your help making my life enough again.

So, while I know there were a couple of things that needed to be figured out, and while I can't deny any longer it was YOUR voice I heard in the shower that morning (btw, you should do that more often...because that was about as clear as they come)...

I'm wondering if you could do something...
You know...if doing something is the right thing to do?

Because life was just a little sweeter when the start of a weekend meant the prospect of something...just a little sweeter.

I'm not complaining.
I'm not sad (well, not devastatingly so).
And I really will be okay. I know I will.

I trust you.
Promise.

But, I'm just kind wondering if we can talk about it a little more.

I didn't think we could...but I feel like you're willing.
And I know you have time to listen.
Because...well...you're God.

And that's what you do.
(And I'm so grateful to know that.)

SO...can we?

Love,
Your favorite girl

God's Will. My Will (Part 1)

My mind is racing and I can't sleep.
So, I decided maybe I needed to start sharing some of what I'm learning right now.

Last week a dear friend (who seems to always be the means for God's text messages to me...truly) texted me a reminder of a talk she & I shared while she was going through a difficult time. The talk was given by Jeffrey R. Holland in 1989 while he was the President of BYU. It's entitled The Will of the Father in All Things.

I've spent a long time and a lot of work getting myself to the point where I sincerely and deeply and honestly want to know that I am living a life in accordance with the will of the Lord. I seek His approval and confirmation for so much of what I do.
I crave it.
I long for it.
I need it.

BUT.

Today while I was talking with another friend, I feel like the spirit taught us both something I have not really let myself consider.

First...let's talk about the context of a couple of the most oft quoted scriptures dealing with "the will of the Father".

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." Luke 22:42

"I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning." 3 Nephi 11:11

I think, based on these kinds of scriptures and, for me, what I know about those early Mormons who also "suffered the will of the Father", I have associated "the Lord's will" with "the harder path".

As if God always requires suffering and sacrifice.
And always asks us to do hard things.
In order for us to prove our faithfulness.

BUT.

I was also reminded today that it IS God's will that I be happy.
He wants me to be happy...to experience joy.
Of course He does.

And so, while I expect Him to ask me to do hard things and then I think I need to do them as evidence of my willingness to "submit" and "suffer" His will, I have not let myself believe...really believe...that following His will can also mean He will expect me and ask me to do the thing that will make me happy today. Now.

And OF COURSE that is true.

And since deep down inside "my will" is often for that thing that will make me happy today...now...perhaps, sometimes (or often), His will really is MY will.

"Sometimes...we underestimate the Lord's willingness to hear our cry, to confirm our wish, to declare that our will is not contrary to his and that his help is there only for the asking." Elder Holland (emphasis added)

Elder Holland goes on to share an example of Marion G. Romney and his wife (you really must read it) where Elder Romney finally realizes that what he wants is not contradictory to what the Lord wants for him.

And that is very much what my "ah-ha" was today.

You see, with all the time and work getting myself to the point where I'm trying o live a life in accordance with the will of the Lord, I've made the assumption that it will mean sacrificing what I really want. And so, I've forgotten (or ignored) a little bit of my own will...what I want...what I need in order to experience as much happiness and joy as I possibly can in this life.

MY WILL.

Which, I knew today, happens to be His will too.