The optimist experiment

"Well at least you're the most cheerful pessimist there ever was."

So said a dear older and wiser friend to me today.
I have a few people who have seen a side of me the past four days few ever see.

"You know, if you had a husband, you'd be cured of this. You just need someone to talk you out of your own head and tell you when you're being crazy."

I'm sure she is right.

Because by the time we were done talking tonight, I was laughing about how silly I've been. How "in my head" I've been. How "worst case scenario" I've been.

"If I was a superhero. I'd be 'worse case scenario girl'." I told her. We were both laughing then.

It's true, you know.
And I had no idea that's who I was until the past few days showed it to me loud & clear.
I mean, I knew that I have a tendency to get panicky.
I knew that I am prone to dramatics.
(Tammy and I used to jokingly say "shoulda seen that comin'" every time something went wrong or we suffered a disappointment.)
I knew that I have the ability to be a little fatalistic.
But, wow.

One of these dear friends said to me on Saturday (after hearing my free-flowing thoughts), "No one would know this about you. No one would think you 'go there' like this."

The truth is I am generally really positive and really happy and really believing.
I believe in happy endings.
I believe all things are possible.
I believe God hears and answers prayers.

But, I also know heart-breaking disappointment.
I also know that sometimes good things just don't happen.
I also know difficulty brings growth.

And the reality is that I have plenty of experiences in life to support both sides, but, if I'm being honest, I feel like I've been dealt the disappointment more than the met expectation.

And so, perhaps as a protection mechanism, when things go south, they go south quickly.
I panic.
I retreat.
I close up.
I go to worst case scenario.
Fast.

Not for other people though.
When friends are going through a divorce, I assume they'll get back together.
When someone is losing a child, I totally believe that child will be healed.
When some young girl has lost her way, I absolutely trust she'll make it back.

But me?

On Friday, I received some personally disappointing news. It shouldn't have been the end of the world at all. In fact, deep down I knew it was part of how this particular thing was going to play out.

But, in less than 10 minutes...TEN SHORT MINUTES...
I forgot everything I've believed or felt or trusted.
And I went "worst case scenario".

And then on Saturday morning, when my bless-their-heart back muscles seized up on me, I had already cancelled an upcoming trip. I had already backed out of the half-marathon. Heck I was practically choosing the color of the jazzy cart I would be stuck in for the rest of my life. Because, of course, I was never going to walk again. Worst case scenario.

Who does that?
Who goes to worst case scenario 0-60 in 2.5 seconds?

My "older but wiser" friend has been telling me I'm far to introspective for my own good. And she's probably right. But, I had to think about all of this because now that I know I do what I do, I want to figure out the "why" so I can change it.

And it was oh so helpful to talk it all through with her tonight.

Tammy (my not so older but often still wiser friend) told me recently I have "but if not"-ed myself to death. Do you remember the "But If Not" lesson? (I wrote about it here).

It was a much needed lesson for me at a critical time in my life.
And frankly, it has served me well for several years.

BUT...

It has also created in me a little bit of a pessimist.
It has also set me up to expect the hard thing.
It has given me permission to "worst case scenario" myself.
Almost as if I'm putting everything in its proper place ahead of time so that when things don't turn out, I'm totally okay.
My faith can still be intact.
Because, well, I am prepared for the "but if not".
Which makes me wonder...
which came first?
The hard thing or me preparing the way for the hard thing that then maybe even brought about the hard thing?

THAT way of thinking is not what changed my life in December.
THAT way of thinking will not get me across a finish line.
THAT way of thinking, honestly, wears me out.

And so...
While I do not discount the truthfulness of the "But if not" principle.
And while I don't make light of the profound way it saved my testimony.

It's also time to change.

A few weeks ago I was talking to another dear friend. "You have to want something bad enough that you're willing to risk being disappointed," I told him. We both thought it was pretty brilliant.

BUT..."risk the disappointment" is quite different from "expect the disappointment". I just had never made the connection until tonight. I never really realized what I was doing until tonight.

As we finished our conversation tonight, I was smiling.
Ah, it felt good to be smiling.
"So, I'm not crazy, right?" I said to my friend.
"No. You're normal. We all have our 'thing'. This just happens to be yours."

Well, I'm ready for a new "thing".

And so, I'm starting a little experiment. I might chronicle it here from time to time. From now until the half marathon (that I WILL be running), I'm going to start expecting things to work out just like I want them to.
I'm going to pray like they will.
I'm going to think like they will.
I'm going to live like they will.

I'm going to risk being disappointed.
But, I have a feeling I won't be.
Not anymore.

I'm calling it the optimist experiment.
If you're still reading this long post, want to join me?