Connecticut

What is it about this place?
I feel it as soon as I get here.

It was a haven for me in 1997.
I was graduating from BYU, dating a boy I wanted to marry who didn't want to marry me, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with a Speech-Language Pathology degree, and I needed a place to go...to run away to.

And I came here...to Hartford, CT (where I am tonight).

My sister and brother-in-law were living here in 1997. They had a small 2 bedroom apartment. Harvey had his first "professor job". And they let me come live with them. In a 2 bedroom apartment. Did I mention that?
My roommate was my 2 yr old nephew, Isaac.

Every morning, Heather put her 2 little ones in the Ford Escort wagon and drove me the 30+ miles ONE WAY to my temp job. On the way, I would teach Isaac about Photosynthesis ("What feeds the trees, Isaac?" "Foto-finsisis", he would say), I would talk to him about Heavenly Father in an attempt to try and help make Heather's life easier with two little ones ("Who's watching you while I'm at work?" "Hevly Fader and Jesus", he would say.)

I cried a lot and wondered a lot about what on earth I was going to do with my life.
I tried to get the boy out of my system.
I tried to lose my college weight.
I spent a lot of time watching PBS shows with the kids.
And flying Isaac around in a little plastic clothes hamper.
And eating Harvey's homemade pizza.
And going for walks with Heather.
And talking to God.
We talked A.LOT.

I fell in love with everything about Connecticut:
the trees,
the winding highways,
the homes,
the people,
the pace of life,
the spirit.
It all felt very familiar and I decided to make my life here.

And then one night I had a dream that was about as clear as any dream I'd ever had.
And when Heather woke me up that next morning for work, I said, "I have to go back to Utah."
I SO didn't want to go.
But, I left and went back to UT.
I didn't ask questions even though leaving didn't make any sense at all.
Not for a really long time.

Maybe not totally until tonight.

In some ways SO much has changed for me in 13 years.
And in other ways, there are still some challenges and questions.

BUT it's pretty amazing to see what the Lord has done with my useless little Speech-Pathology degree.
He had a plan in 1997.
And where I am in 2010 is no surprise to Him.
We chatted about that a little bit tonight.

He reminded me He's in charge.
That He's got it under control.
That it's all good.
And He reminded me that when He talks to me, I listen.
Because on really big things, I do.
And He likes that about me.

I love knowing that.

And I guess that's one of the things about this place.
Connecticut is one of the places I came to know God a little better.
And He got to know me a little better too.
I'm so grateful.

And that must be what I'm feeling tonight.

My first Independence Day

July 4, 1993

I'm almost scared to write this down--
writing and speaking seem to make things so permanent.

I can't remember if I've ever really mentioned my "mission struggles" in here [my journal] before. But it's been a struggle. I've toyed with the idea of going for a long time. I've partially wanted to but never wanted to say it. There have been a few times when it's felt good but I guess I've been waiting for thunder and lightning--outward signs. Kind of like "I don't want to go unless I have to." I know part of that was because I thought I needed to stay here to marry [name left out to protect the guilty]. Even when I didn't say it, deep down inside that's what I thought.

I went to see Jill Bell tonight. We small talked for a while and then I had to catch her up on the boy saga. About an hour later she said, "You know, Laurel, I think you should go on a mission."

I can't really describe it to do it justice but at that moment things changed. I started to cry. I knew she was right. And the more we talked about it the more peace I felt. I have not felt this peace in a very long time. And yet, I'm scared to death.

******

I've been a great journal writer most of my life (thank you, mom and dad!). It's interesting to read the entries before and then after that July 4 entry. I changed that day. You can see in the actual writing style.

I made my decision to serve a mission on July 4.
My papers were in on July 20.
I received my call to the California Riverside Mission on July 31.
It was a whirlwind.

But that was probably the first completely independent decision I had every made.
You see, I always knew I would go to BYU.
I chose my major out of peer pressure.
I always thought I'd get married before a mission was even an option. And since my parents didn't push a mission on me at all (and in fact, according to the later entries it took some doing to help them feel good about my decision), it was my first real experience making a decision that was just between me and the Lord.

17 years ago today, "Day of Independence" took on a whole new meaning.
It was MY Independence Day.