This is a story that was supposed to be kept in China.
Beijing, specifically.
But now that time has passed, it is pretty darn funny...just as I hoped it one day would be.
And today I'm in the mood to tell it.
Lucky, lucky you.
My first day in Beijing I got blisters on my feet.
And so, by the end of the day, I was in need of some band-aids.
"Can you take us to a drugstore?" I asked our cute guide May.
May took us to "oldest pharmacy in China."
Fine by me.
Erin and I walked in and went to the counter. It wasn't quite as easy as I had hoped but we did eventually figure out which box had band-aids. I quickly put them on my feet. They were medicated and WOWZERS. What a sting.
May asked us if we wanted to have a "learning experience" (this was our first day, people. We weren't yet wise to the ploy of the "learning experience"...watch the video) and offered to have us meet one of the Doctors.
Erin went first.
Her palms were read. Her eyes were looked at.
I think she was asked to stick out her tongue.
The nice old Chinese woman doctor said things in Chinese.
The cute young nurse acted as interpeter.
It was all a little odd but for sure interesting.
The dr told Erin all of her health woes (pretty sure she made several of them up) and tried to sell her a bunch of ancient Chinese drugs. Erin looked at me. She's no sucker.
But I was just glad it wasn't me in that chair.
Then it was.
(And seriously, people, these are not easy situations to get out of.)
The old Chinese doctor looked at my hands and into my eyes and at my tongue.
And then she started talking and talking and talking.
Something about my weight (and it was only borderline awkward)
and all the reasons I have trouble losing weight (which was semi intriguing)
and what was going on with my body (which was only mildly offensive)
But, then she told me what I needed in order to release my body of all the toxins that were causing all my problems. Oh, the sales pitch...I mean these people knew what they were doing!
"These pills change your life."
It all made so much sense.
And China money is so different it's hard to do the math in your head.
I looked at Erin.
She looked at me.
I was trying to figure out how to politely get us out of the situation
(and, frankly, trying to figure out how Erin got out of the sales pressure).
I knew only a sucker would actually buy.
Only a sucker.
When we got back to the hotel, I opened the boxes of pills.
You'd think I would have at least opened the box before the purchase, right?
Oh, the smell!
THE SMELL!
Little pellets of hamster food.
And there was no FDA label.
No promise of "the drug has been tested and you can take it and not die."
And the smell...did I mention the smell?
I looked at Erin.
She looked at me.
And we laughed.
Like we had never laughed before.
WHAT. ON. EARTH?
Who does that?
Who buys scary drugs from an old Chinese doctor?
Drugs that smell?
Who spends that kind of money on hamster food?
Hamster food that hasn't been FDA tested?
...Oh, and what did I do with the "you take these pills for 90 days and change your life" pills? I left them in a trash can in the Beijing Days Inn.
Who does that?
Who buys scary drugs from an old Chinese doctor?
Drugs that smell?
And that are expensive for crying out loud?
And then leaves them in the Beijing Days Inn?
Who does that?
Sometimes I can still hear that old Chinese doctor.
And I'm pretty sure she's laughing.
Happily, I can hear me and Erin laughing too.
(cool prize for the person who guesses most correctly how much I spent on the smelly hamster pellets. Erin & Kara, you can't enter. sorry.)
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