my unlocked heart

I've lived alone for 12 years now (and have discovered I'm a totally delightful roommate. Seriously. I get along with me so well.).
It shouldn't be a big deal to spend a night alone.
And it rarely is.

But, after having a roommate for just a few weeks...
a roommate that I love
and pray with
and eat with
and carpool with
and laugh with
and get frustrated with
and talk with

Well, after just a few weeks of that, I don't much like not having him around.

The boy is at EFY this week.
And Sunday as I sat with him at church and thought about how fast this has gone and how close it is to all being over, I got a little misty (okay, I actually cried. Full on tears).

Isn't that silly?

But, I thought about how much my life has changed in just five short weeks.
I thought about how my heart has discovered this new capacity to love.
As if loving him has somehow created more space to love others.
As if making room in my life for him has created more room in my life for others.

I've heard that moms find their hearts grow with each child.
Not that each child takes a less percentage of the same size heart.
But that a mother's heart actually has more to give the more it needs to love.
It should have less.
But, it has more.

I've always thought that a little crazy.
I knew that's how it probably worked for God.
But, us?

Yes.
Us.

My heart is not the same heart I had 5 weeks ago.
Even with it's ability to fall in love and get it's little self broken.
Even with a life time of experience loving and stretching and breathing.
Even with all the people I have loved and served and cared about.
Something has changed.
Something is different.

It's like the mother part of my heart has been unlocked.
And it got unlocked by a kid that isn't even mine.

I didn't even know it was locked.
I suspected and I felt inklings at times.
But, I really had no idea.

And so now...
now that I know what I've been missing?
Now that the part of this heart that I didn't know I even had has been revealed?
Now that I know what this feels like?

Well, I can't go back to the way my heart was before.
I can't go back to the way my life was before.

Because, while I didn't understand what I didn't have.
I understand that now.
Because I have it.
And my heart will never be the same.

Never.
And I'm so grateful.
So deeply and eternally grateful.


(image found here)

There's a boy in my life

[did reading that make YOU as happy as it made me to write it?]

It started a little before the technical beginning of summer.
And some recent adjustments to my life, because of this boy, include:

- Star Trek dvds
- buying chips and Ramen noodles at the grocery store
- seeing different movies than normal, like Kung Fu Panda 2 (i cried...don't judge.)
- family prayer at night
- reading scriptures out loud at the breakfast table
- cleaning up a mess without losing my patience
- learning to say "yes" whenever "yes" can be said
- changing my schedule to accommodate another's needs
- noticing the smell of "boy" everywhere (really...do they all have a smell?)
- trying to figure out my workout schedule
- getting up a little earlier so there is time to make sack lunches
- paying attention to the needs of another
- praying that I'll know what to say
- listening so I'll know what NOT to
- making room in my life for someone else
- reaching out for help in ways I've not needed before
- opening my heart so much that it hurts
- realizing how much I've missed out on

I'm a mom this summer.
(A single mom who is trying to date occasionally...)
And in just a few weeks it's been the hardest sweetest experience ever.
I almost don't remember what I was like before.
THAT is how much it is changing me.
And though this isn't what I expected, as it turns out, it's exactly what I needed.
And I'm learning things I realize now I could be learning no other way.
that I simply wasn't learning any other way.

For all the talk of "mothering" and for all my understanding of how all women nurture and mother in their own way, well...
there are simply some things those of us who aren't actual mothers will never be able to learn in the way those of you who are actual mothers get the chance to learn every day.

And that is why I'm treasuring every single day of this new adventure.
Not loving finding out how "about me" my life has been.
But loving finding out how much less "about me" I want it to be.

There's a boy in my life.
It's my 16 yr old nephew and he is here for a summer adventure.
But I think it's ME who is getting the adventure.

And I must say...I'm learning some important things.
And I'm really really loving it.

(to be continued)